Living Like An Abigail
Her husband is an angry, bitter, and unkind man. He isn’t a believer. She loves the Lord deeply and wants to live in obedience to Him. She’s worried about her husband’s eternal soul. He doesn’t physically abuse her in any way, is a good provider, and is faithful to her. He’s just incredibly difficult to live with, and she suffers because of it.
She read what I wrote about obligatory sex. She knows it’s true and applies to her since she knows God’s Word is true. She understands that God’s will for her is to win her husband without preaching to him but by living in subjection to him with godly behavior. She asks the Lord for wisdom and to give her the strength to obey him in this area.
This is how godly women respond to Truth. They don’t make exceptions and try to get out of obeying. What God asks of us is hard! Everything He asks of us is hard, but it’s good. When we obey Him, even in the hard things, we are storing our treasures in heaven.
The question is, are you a godly woman who loves God and His Word and desires to obey Him in everything, even in the incredibly hard things he asks of you?
Here is a comment from a woman in my Facebook group after I shared this:
I’m going to share this because I believe maybe it might help someone. I have never and would never want to bad mouth my husband. But for anyone that has never lived in an emotional tsunami, you may not understand. You walk on constant eggshells. Nothing you ever do is right, and you live in constant fight or flight mode. You just pray and beg God to help you be a better wife and sometimes nothing you do is enough. Because the problem is not with you.
There is spiritual warfare going on in your home, and you’re just in the way. I recently saw a guy on the internet that said that emotional abuse is biblical grounds for divorce, and you need to get out. He has even written a book to teach you how to leave. Most of the women he councils haven’t been married nearly as long as I have. And although it was nice to hear other stories and realize I’m not crazy. It just struck me as so sad. Someone explained to me how this would bring glory and honor to God.
I chose my husband, and if I remember correctly, I vowed for better or worse. This is my mission field. Would I bring the devastation of divorce into my children’s and grandchildren’s life? God forbid! I just keep saying, the joy of the Lord is my strength, over and over. And I take great comfort in reading the story of Abigail. I love that God took the time to say that she had a beautiful countenance. I love that. Like Nabal, if God was done with my husband, he would be gone.
So I continue to fight the good fight and continue to run the race. And I don’t grow weary in doing well. I do this because I love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and spirit. If I do this to please God, then I have His help and strength. But if I do this to please myself, then l’m on my own. To me, the choice is clear. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. Or at least I will. I hope this encourages someone and that God’s Word will not return void.
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
1 Peter 3:1,2
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10 thoughts on “Living Like An Abigail”
I know, no buts when it comes to following Gods word, but I struggle with the off and on, up and down. Way better in the last couple years, back to more normalcy.
Went through a rough patch of absolute misery about 4 years ago for what seemed like an eternity ( married 33 ) putting kids in middle, constantly checking my back to see if being talked about under breath or faces made behind my back to kids again and again
Like I said it’s WAY better but still go through lots of emotional ups and downs depending on if he gets offended or not. He is Always trying to please now adult children ( still live with us) more than cares what I think of him. I have gotten to the point of terrible anxiousness ( again wrong ) over SO LONG of how the day/night will go. He’s not like this with others/kids just me so not everybody knows although kids have heard some not so great outcomes.
An example, not so terrible, just an example, terribly unkind argument then he goes downstairs and I can faintly hear him being sweet and soft with our dogs, it’s heartbreaking.
He has been reading his Bible steadily, listening to sermons and praying with me for about 6 months now. Still when he’s on great off so hard!! Doesn’t really talk about God to the kids, or in the open but will say he does.
I love Jesus with all my heart and trust His word I really do, I’m just struggling with doubt. Advice , please. These stories hit such a chord with me!!!
Hi B, Every time he says something cruel to you, put up your shield of faith in front of you and ping those cruel comments straight up to the Lord. Don’t allow him to steal your joy; for the joy of the Lord is your strength. Remember that a soft answer turns away wrath.
Find a godly, older woman who you can meet with on a regular basis to encourage you and give you wisdom. You can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you. This means you can do everything that He commands of you. Yes, you can love and submit to him with a meek and quiet spirit. Pour love and grace upon him as Christ does for you. Show him Jesus. He’s most likely miserable and needs to see the joy of Jesus in and through you. Remember, this is a spiritual battle.
Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. (Eph 6:16)
I’m really struggling. I’m currently pregnant with our 5th baby. Their ages are 6,3,2 &1. I stay home with our kids, cook, clean, and all the things. My husband works really hard, six days a week, and basically 12 hours a day. We don’t go to church because he haven’t found one that is teaching truth. My mother works a lot, he doesn’t want me to hire a sitter to help me some days. I can’t get kitchen help. I feel so alone.
My husband’s personality is disagreeable and argumentative. He is particular and often finds issues with things I haven’t done or things I didn’t do to his standards. I hate arguing with my husband. However my husband enjoys debates. He pulls me into a debate with him often.
I don’t believe in divorce. I believe in separation. I don’t want to leave him. I’ve repeatedly said I wouldn’t but I’m really struggling with hanging on to hope. I’m struggling with wanting to even pray for the situation because I’m so sad and hurt by my husband’s actions.
There’s more detail that I need to add but I have to tend to a crying baby..
Hi Nita,
Please read this new blog post: https://thetransformedwife.com/the-problem-always-seems-to-be-the-husband/
Here is my advice to you:
Every time he says something cruel to you, put up your shield of faith in front of you and ping those cruel comments straight up to the Lord. Don’t allow him to steal your joy; for the joy of the Lord is your strength. Remember that a soft answer turns away wrath.
Find a godly, older woman who you can meet with on a regular basis to encourage you and give you wisdom. You can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you. This means you can do everything that He commands of you. Yes, you can love and submit to him with a meek and quiet spirit. Pour love and grace upon him as Christ does for you. Show him Jesus. He’s most likely miserable and needs to see the joy of Jesus in and through you. Remember, this is a spiritual battle.
Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. (Eph 6:16)
Please ma’am I need advice concerning submission during courtship. And please at which point will you tag flaws ( like criticism, unforgiveness) in a man professing Christianity a red flag.
Hi Victoria, If you are considering marrying a man, you should be submissive to him. If you can’t be submissive to him, please don’t marry him!
I hear so many Christian wives these days talking about how bad their husbands are. The problem even seems to exist with Christian husbands who are reading their “Bible steadily, listening to sermons and praying”. The one actually causing the problem in the marriage never seems to be the wife though, it is always their husbands fault.
And then I hear statements like these… “just an example, terribly unkind argument then he goes downstairs…” and that she is going “through lots of emotional ups and downs depending on if he gets offended or not”.
This raises a few questions. Since it takes two people to argue, if a wife is submitting to her husband in everything (Ephesians 5:22-24) and showing him the utmost respect mingled with fear (Ephesians 5:33b), even if he is not being obedient to the word (1 Peter 3:1-2); how can there ever be a “terribly unkind argument” between them?
How is it that a Christian wife is doing things (or not doing things) that offend her husband on a regular basis? Why would this Christian wife expect her husband to change his behavior based on what she thinks of him? Does she know better? Is he supposed to be submitting to her and following her leadership? Something is just not adding up.
As a man, I do not ask these questions in a vacuum or without experiential knowledge on the subject. The bible tells me that I am to submit to my employer… with the utmost respect, mingled with fear, even if they are harsh and unreasonable (1 Peter 2:18), even if if causes me to suffer (1 Peter 2:19). Over the past 40 years, I have worked for some pretty harsh and unreasonable employers. Early on their was a failure or two (before I understood 1 Peter 2:18-19) but for the past 30 years, I can tell you that I have not had an argument of any kind with any of them.
How is it that a Christian wife who claims to “love Jesus with all my heart and trust His word” be so often offending and having arguments with her husband and it all be HIS fault? Is he not the head of the wife? Is he not the leader in his household? Does he not set the standards that need to be met in the household? Does the Christian wife not strive to submit to, reverence, serve and please him in all that she does? It seems that in so many Christian marriages these days that things are just not well and according to the wife, the problem always seems to be the husband.
Is is possible that there is more to it than that? Is is possible that the wife is missing something? For those seeking answers, and for any woman who desires to be a Godly wife, I recommend that you read the following books.
“The Power of a Transformed Wife” by Lori Alexander
“Created to Be His Help Meet” by Debi Pearl
“The Excellent Wife” by Martha Peace
Allow these Godly older women in the church to teach you how: “to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” (Titus 2:4-5)
Amen, Trey. Thank you!
I thank you Trey for taking the time to send out a comment in response to mine.
your valid points made in response to my comment are well noted and I appreciate the accountability.
I realize what I had written is easily regarded as one way and essentially is.
It was just a matter of looking for advice from a lady I admire on a situation that is more complicated than can be put into such minimal words.
Im a sinner doing my best to obey, failing more than I should, praying for strength in it.
I realize my faults more than could be known from that small space I wrote in, you can trust that.
I battle to let go of most ways I’ve been or things I’ve said over all this time
I just needed to release a bit to a lady whom I consider a mentor, that’s really all there was to it.
I’ve given it over to God only to take it back again, too many times, I’m ashamed.
I am thankful for your advice Lori.
Hi B, Trey was responding to the post, not any comment in particular.
Every time I feel sad about being single… I remind myself I could be married to man like the ones listed here and I will 100% accept my singleness vs being married to a man like that and then when asking for help, I get told the opposite, that I’m the problem. I’m sorry ladies. I would be drinking and borderline suicidal if I was in your position. My prayers are with you if this comment makes it out to the public.
Hi Kaylin, It’s not easy. Nothing God asks of us easy but there are many blessings in obedience and they are able to live in obedience to God because His Spirit works mightily within them! We are all promised tribulation on this earth. This isn’t our home.
Every time I hear people talk about their “reasons” for divorce, my heart breaks. Why do people these days give up so easily?
My father loves to talk about an elderly sister in the church where he became a Christian. This lady was a simple, lower working class woman, who loved the Lord with all her heart, had memorized all the most well-known passages of scripture, wasn’t afraid to share her faith with strangers, and clung firmly to the hope that eventually the rest of her family would be saved as well. She was married to a physically abusive (as in he beat her) alcoholic.
Everyone nowadays would have told her to leave this situation, but she didn’t. She wanted her husband to be saved and saw patient, faithful submission as the only way to get there. In the meantime, since she couldn’t get her husband to stop drinking, she volunteered with a group that helps other people to become free from alcohol addiction. Her children saw her example – her hope, joy, faith, patience – and became believers, passing their faith on to their children.
Towards the end of his life, her husband finally truly repented, and seeing the change in him confirmed for her that her many years of waiting, praying and hoping had been worth it. They had a few years of truly happy marriage together before he passed away. Even as a widow she was one of the brightest jewels among the members of that church. A testimony, and encouragement that no one could have said bad things about if they had tried. I wish I had had the chance to get to know her, but her testimony remains, proving God’s faithfulness to those who trust Him.
Wow, Erika, she had her eyes on eternity rather than on temporary things. What a beautiful witness to the power of the Lord Jesus Christ living in and through her.
I’m struggling hard. I know this is true. I know what the Bible says. I do my best to live it. But some days, it’s so hard. If you haven’t lived with being called a sl*t, a b*tch, wh*re, slapper, two-bit wh*re or “two bit” for short, every single day, and sworn at, screamed at, belittled and accused of cheating on a daily basis and told to get out, you don’t know how hard it is. Walking on egg shells, waiting for him to get home because you don’t know what kind of mood he’s going to be in.
It’s so hard. Every day I pray for strength because I can’t get through without it, but it’s so hard to keep the faith because every day I keep praying, and nothing really seems to happen. Is this how I am destined to live forever? Sometimes it feels like God has deserted me.
Dear K, If you are a believer in Jesus Christ which it sounds like you are, you are not destined to live like this forever. This is a blip on the scene of eternity. Your eternity is glorious! We are promised tribulation while on this earth. Read 1 Peter 2 carefully. We are promised suffering as Jesus suffered. Cling to Him. Cast your burdens upon Him, and trust Him. Remind yourself that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you and that the joy of the Lord is your strength.
I will pray for the women who have husbands like they have described because I know a Christian woman whose husband is exactly the same. She raises the children. She stays home, cleans house, laundry dishes, mows the grass, fixes the plumbing , tv, moves most of the furniture when they moved 6 times in 1 year and whatever is needed. She has some kids up in their teen years.
The husband is never home, but when he has time when he is home, he starts fights. He picks at her and the children. He gets them to side with him. He is very argumentative when he is in a bad mood, but so nice when things he thinks are going his way. He follows her around the house to constantly pick and yell at her when she tries to go to another room not to argue. He follows her. He uses money he has all these extra curricular activities. He spends spends and spends. And pretty much has anything he wants and wants to buy. He is constantly on to her if the house isn’t clean and perfect. He laughs.at her He belittles her and mocks her to the kids.. He lets the kids do the same thing and thinks it is funny. She is very submissive. She has-put up with more than any woman I know and can write in this article because this just scratches the surface. He truly is a whole lot worse. He definitely needs prayer and saved and the woman needs strength and PRAYER.
Please find an older, very godly woman who truly serves and loves the Lord to council with and pray for you and your husband and family. Let’s remember these women and husbands and children in prayer in Jesus name amen..