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The Divorce Fantasy World

The Divorce Fantasy World

“The kids are socially invisible. If they have a problem, we take them to therapy. We put them on medication. But we never admit that maybe the adults should have worked as hard on their marriages as they seem to work on managing their divorce. And we certainly never tell the adults not to remarry,” wrote Jennifer Roback Morse in her article Divorce Enablers: The Liberal Fantasy World is Wrecking Children’s Lives.

“In the Divorce Fantasy World, the children are all better off if their parents split than if they stay together. The children are delighted that their parents are happy. They have no ill-feelings about being asked to move every other week, a fate that few adults would willingly endure. Children are ok with calling their mom’s new husband, ‘dad’, or seeing their dad in bed with another woman. Children have no feelings at all about their family photos being taken down. They never feel jealous of the children of the new union, children who absorb the attention of their parent and new spouse. No, my goodness, no: the children from the original union never feel like leftovers from a previous relationship.

To keep the Fantasy alive, anyone who does not follow the Socially-Approved Divorce Script, must be silenced. This is bad enough for abandoned spouses. But for children of divorce, it is literally a nightmare.

The kids are socially invisible. If they have a problem, we take them to therapy. We put them on medication. But we never admit that maybe the adults should have worked as hard on their marriages as they seem to work on managing their divorce. And we certainly never tell the adults not to remarry.

The cultural elites love the Sexual Revolution and actively promote the Divorce Ideology. They provide a platform for happily-divorced people, jolly blended families and all the rest. They never mention the abandoned spouses or the shattered children. They need all this propaganda because that’s what it takes to convince people that biological bonds don’t matter either to children or adults.”

Why do you think I fight so hard to keep marriages together and even encourage Christian women to fight for their marriages? Nothing good comes from divorce. Nothing. Children live with scars the rest of their lives. I have seen couples divorce even after their children are raised and there is bitterness and scars the children and even grandchildren carry. Then I have seen my parents stick it out even though they weren’t happy together for most of their married lives but now they are deeply in love with each other and none of us nor my children or grandchildren have scars. Family gatherings are whole, complete, and full of laughter and fun.

This is a picture of my parents with my sisters and our husbands. 65 years + 36 years + 32 years + 30 years = abundant blessings to our family, our children and grandchildren, plus many others. (By the way, together we represent 163 years of covenant marriage!)

I will never encourage a Christian woman to divorce her husband because of the long-term pain it causes to so many. I have witnessed myself, heard first hand, or read about too many women who have won back their husbands in extremely difficult situations to not believe that with God all things are possible and why should a believing spouse be the one to divorce?

There is too much in Scripture that points to Christians staying faithful until the end. Now, if an unbelieving spouse divorces the believing spouse and marries another, then there is no hope of reconciliation but until that time, there’s hope.

A woman in the chat room wrote about her parent’s divorce: “My parents got a divorce when I was six. It was an amicable one. They cooperated. They got along. They never put us in the middle. They were mature. They were friendly. They did the divorce thing ‘right’ according to the standards of the day (my father later said that was totally my mother’s doing because she was so forgiving!). And guess what? It still left gaping scars in their children’s lives and hearts. I was in my twenties before I had truly recovered from the sense of abandonment and brokenness. It did shape the way I view marriage and family life, though: I’m all in.”

This is why women need to fight for their marriages by following God’s clear instructions to them in 1 Peter 3:1-6 if they have a husband who is disobedient to the Word. They need to continue living in subjection to him – what? Live in subjection to a disobedient husband? Yes, this is God’s method of using you to win back your husband! (No, you don’t submit to any type of abuse or evil which is clearly against God’s Word.)

Then be quiet. Live a quiet, humble life in front of him. Don’t preach, scold, quarrel, or be angry with him for “love bears all things, endures all things, and hopes all things.” Don’t speak evil about him but give all of your hurts and concerns to the Lord; for He has the power to convict and change your husband. For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers (1 Peter 3:12).

Find support from godly women. There are groups on Facebook of women who are standing for their marriages and finding support from each other. You don’t need to do this alone. (These are a few groups but I can’t vouch for how theologically correct they are: Standers United, The BTG Standing for Marriage, Rejoice Marriage Ministries, and Mend Our marriage.)

Finally, live a godly life. Be in His Word daily and hide it deeply in your heart so you won’t sin against Him. Meditate upon it. Memorize it. Listen to godly preachers and learn from them. Become like Christ to your husband and you are able since Christ lives inside of you and works mightily through you.

 But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear.
1 Peter 3:15

Having a Heart for Service

Having a Heart for Service

Last Friday night, we had an early Father’s Day dinner at my sister’s home. She fixed a delicious salad and ordered some pizza from a healthy pizza place that ferments their crust. (It’s great!) When we got there, she told all of us wives that we were going to serve our husbands first, so we each loaded up a plate of salad and pizza for our husbands.

I watched my sister that night. She noticed when her husband’s plate was getting empty and jumped up to get him more. If his drink was running out, she jumped up to get him more. She kept an eye on him to make sure he was happy and satisfied.

We ran into her and her husband on our walk at the beach the next day. I asked her what she was doing this weekend and she told me she had told her husband that she was going to do anything he wanted to do and fix whatever food he wanted to eat. She knows how to serve her husband and make him happy.

As we were all talking around her family room after eating, she said her happy place is in her home. She loves cooking and feeding people. Every morning, she and her husband sit in their family room and have coffee and devotions together. When he gets home at night, she makes sure a hearty meal is waiting for him. She knows he likes the home clean and tidy, so she’s always kept it clean and tidy.

She couldn’t wait for her children to grow up to have an empty nest with her husband. She brings so much joy and fun to his life. From the beginning of their marriage, he let her know that she wasn’t going to boss him around and as she has grown in the wisdom and the knowledge of the Lord, she has grown to be the kind of wife the Lord requires.

Her husband and home have always been her priority. This is the way it should be for all of us. It’s few husbands who would want to leave a wife who are treated by their wives the way my sister treats her husband. She knows what he prefers so she tries to please him in this area. Make sure your husband is a priority since you were created for him.

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
Genesis 2:18

One Long Temper Tantrum

One Long Temper Tantrum

Written By Ken

These past few years as Lori has been blogging she gets men who write looking for help with their difficult wives and she asks me if I can help. One of the things I have discovered is that although the behavior of these wives shows various levels of disdain for their husbands, the root of the contempt is often hurts from their past that get triggered leading to one long temper tantrum against their husbands lasting weeks, months, and for some years.

Bitterness is an evil pill to swallow because once it gets its roots into the life of a person it will grab a hold of many unrelated justifications that make it nearly impossible for any counselor to unravel the twisted thoughts of their minds. There is hope to remove the bitterness from one’s life and it is as simple as letting it go. Note that I did not say it was easy, but I did say it was simple. There is no magic pill that can be swallowed, nor a hundred counseling sessions that can do what an honest heart can choose to do at any moment and let it go. Any one of us can take our thoughts captive by grabbing a hold of the negative thoughts we are thinking and place them on the cross for Christ to heal. It begins by acknowledging the truth about oneself and one’s bitterness. Admit: 

I am bitter towards my spouse. I keep making excuses why I am not kind, why I do not desire intimacy and why I keep him/her at a distance from me, but the real problem lies in my heart. I am bitter towards my husband/wife, and worse than that, I have come to enjoy holding onto my bitterness and do not want to let it go. I have been hurt in the past and I want him/her to hurt with me. I am not living according to God’s will in my life and God’s Spirit has been quenched for a long time. I need to pluck out the root of bitterness from my heart and mind and hand it over to Jesus who can heal me of my sins. They may have at one time been sins committed against me, but they are now all mine.”

It’s that simple. To release oneself from the bondage of bitterness one must let it go and give it to the Lord. We are told that “the LORD searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever.” He knows what is in our hearts already. He knows our fears, our desires, our hurts and our pains. He knows every single thing about us, and yet some think they can compartmentalize their lives and hold onto both Jesus and bitterness at the same time. Be careful that you not become the end of the promise and be rejected by God forever.

The men I am presently coaching are married to wives who profess to be Christians and yet to watch their wives’ hateful behavior toward their husbands one can find no fruit in their marriage, except for the innocent children caught in the crossfires. The way these wives treat their husbands would not be fit for any marriage, let alone a Christian one. 

One in particular is so messed up by her bitterness that she is constantly lashing out at him and he can do nothing right. If you were to trace the root of the bitterness back it is mainly found in her childhood relationship with an angry Dad, but certainly she feels she deserves a better spot in life as finances are short and the fruit of her own labor scarce. Working 2-3 jobs with long 60 hour weeks, this poor husband comes home to a disaster of a home, nothing picked up or vacuumed, no food on the table and dishes everywhere. If he says anything about it, he is lucky if he just gets an argument or snide remark as he regularly gets a profanity-laced tongue lashing with one irrational comment after another. One moment she says she hates him and at other times she begs for his help. She is unwilling to see her own stubborn bitterness as what is destroying her life and her marriage.

And as you can guess, intimacy is rarely shared anymore in these homes, with one poor soul not even able to touch his wife or hug her without her getting all upset if he touches her with kindness. Here is a good looking, kind, thoughtful and most of all a godly guy, who has set about for over a year to try and win a marriage back. He has paid for a years’ worth of couple counseling and all he has to show for it is a wife who tells him he is “rushing things” no matter how he tries to connect with her. She has this warped idea that somehow he is being controlling when he asks her to be a wife to him and have food on the table at least a few evenings a week, and sex once or twice a month. His counselor says he needs to be patient and she acknowledges his efforts. She cannot define her needs or put them in writing, he is just told to be patient as she treats him like an island in his own home.

What we are witnessing is God’s Word on the matter that says bitterness makes people into fools, corrosively defiling them and those around them:  

Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools. (Ecclesiastes 7:9)

See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.
(Hebrews 12:15)

These are most miserable women and they all share one unique characteristic of an unwillingness to let go of their bitterness. And what we are seeing in these marriages is exactly what the Pearls have said they see. Once the bitterness takes root, these women are then moving into mental/emotional diseases.

Got Questions has a good summary on the subject:  In its figurative sense bitterness refers to a mental or emotional state that corrodes or “eats away at.” Bitterness can affect one experiencing profound grief or anything which acts on the mind in the way poison acts on the body. Bitterness is that state of mind which willfully holds on to angry feelings, ready to take offense, able to break out in anger at any moment. The foremost danger in succumbing to bitterness and allowing it to rule our hearts is that it is a spirit that refuses reconciliation.”

When I begin coaching husbands with difficult wives I am always hopeful that their Christian marriage will find a way to move forward into healthy patterns. The beginning of the process is to first be sure that you, as the husband, are not the problem but instead trying to be loving, respectful and considerate towards their wives while making few requests of them.

Be kind, gentle, smiling, and enjoyable.

Never lash out or do anything that is unchristian in your home towards her.

Talk to your wife in an honest and inquisitive way, asking her if there are three things that you could change that would significantly improve your marriage and make a difference about the way she sees in you, what would they be, then go about trying to do those things as best you can the next month or two to see how it helps.

Make no demands of her; help around the house; do anything and everything to see if you are the problem. At times, this works to unlock a difficult wife or one upset over the relationship. But if bitterness is at the root of the problem, no matter what you do she will twist and turn it to make you into her punching bag because she needs you to be upset with her so she can justify staying in her box of bitterness. 

Yes, it’s all backwards from what God’s Word says with the husband almost taking on a wife’s role, but hey, if Jesus can give up His throne for a little while to come live among sinful men, and show them how perfectly one can live, then a husband who loves his wife can, for a time, do anything and everything in his power to show her that he indeed loves her and wants to make a healthy marriage with her. For that matter, many wives have never been modeled what true service and love looks like, so showing them what they can and should do for you is not a bad way to help move a marriage forward.

Unfortunately, when a wife is trapped in her box of bitterness and cannot get out, all that happens when a husband loves her more and serves her seems to be a short period of peace with a self-righteous woman. Then the accusations, foul language and slander begin again and it becomes unbearable at times. Along side the light of a husband’s true love a bitter wife’s meanness is exposed to the light and she has a choice to let it go, or hold on more tightly. If these were women receiving the snide remarks and behavior these wives give to their husbands we would have many crying “Abuse! Abuse!” And it certainly does border on mental/emotional abuse with these guys leaning on the Lord to pick them up and keep them on their journey to try and be Jesus to their broken wives.

No matter how kind, how loving and considerate these guys will be, the bitterness their wives defiles them and their families day in and day out. We are watching them sink more and more into mental and emotional illness until a perfectly healthy woman will get a label of disease put upon her; BPD, Bipolar, Depression. You bet! For you cannot for long periods of time allow the corrosive effects of bitterness to stay in your heart and mind without it remapping the brain to a point where it no longer accepts logic or love as answers.

Worse yet, how can the Spirit of God work within a person who refuses to give up her bitterness, but prefers to wallow in it? One cannot violate their own stated values day in and day out without becoming very messed up mentally and emotionally. Strangely some are so sure they are good Christian people and can go regularly to Bible Study, post wonderful things about the Lord on-line, some even in Lori’s Chat Room, yet they live in a marriage where they treat their husbands worse than their dog. And sadly, this is no exaggeration.

Pastors are impotent in these circumstances with no time for the “he said, she said” stories trying to figure out the truth. These people are very sick, and I do not know how many of them there are across our country attending the local church each Sunday with their husbands, but Jesus calls them hypocrites, “whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness” (Matt 23:27).

Such hypocrisy is not exclusive to wives as there are husbands doing the same things; bitter, angry, aloof, and withholding intimacy and affection from a poor starving soul who all they wanted was a real marriage. Bitterness is not exclusive to women, but it does seem that once a woman grabs a hold of it, it is much harder for her to release it than a man.

So what is the answer and where do these Christians go from here? The answer lies in doing things God’s ways and allowing His Spirit into the closed box of bitterness that is the root of the problem. The person must let it go in an instant and hand it to God to heal the wounds, many of which may be self-inflicted. Perhaps the entire prescription is here where God says to:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, so that in due time He may exalt you. Cast your cares upon Him, because He cares for you. Be sober-minded and alert. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:6-8)

When sin has taken such long-term root the solution begins with humility and acknowledging our sin to ourselves, our God and those we have harmed. We must cast all of our cares on Jesus, and let him have the whole box of bitter root that is defiling us.

Please Christian, if you think that your unforgiving heart is not being corroded away by bitterness, think again. That devil is out to mangle your mind and he is doing so in thousands of Christian households today in spouses who are refusing to give up their anger and bitterness. Are you angry over something with your spouse today?

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. (Mark 11:25)

Go to your spouse and with humility ask for forgiveness for your part of the messed-up marriage, even if he/she has fault. You cannot change them, but you can allow God to change your heart so that your bitter suffering will end.

Then have them do what all must do in any relationship as we are going up into Christ: We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).

It is your thought life that is the root of the problem as the lies of Satan are propped up by all your arguments and justifications. Only when we stop justifying our sinful behavior and see it as it is, ugly sin, will be ever be able to get out of our bitter box and not be pushed back in. That devil will tempt you the very next hour, next day or next week with some major blow up where you will want to run back to your bitterness and get entangled again with sin. You can say “NO!” to sin and “YES!” to righteousness, taking every though captive that tries to point you back to bitterness against your spouse. You don’t have to go explore your past, but you must be committed to a future without your corrosive negatively.

Once out of the bitterness, and having laid it aside, I propose something perhaps radical to you, but it gets to the heart of the matter. We can simply decide one day to give up our bitterness, but we need help and accountability from those who love us to keep us from returning to it. After we have tearfully begged for forgiveness from those who we have defiled we must by true repentance show them that we are no longer bitter by going out of our way to smile and be joyful around them. We must find ways to serve them and prove that we are now on their side. If you sit back and do not take any different path, you will never heal the heart of others you have defiled.

The greatest change will take place not the first time you ask for forgiveness, but when you go back again the next day, the next week and the next month to say, “Hey, I really am sorry about the things I did to you and I do need you to forgive me. Tell me how can I help you with some housework as my consequences;” or “Can I give you the best sex of your life to show you how much I appreciate you standing by me all those difficult years?” Yes, these would be the two best ways to show a a wife or husband that you love them and feel great remorse for the pain you put them through. After all, there really should be consequences when we treat our spouse so cruelly, especially for so long. Call it penance, which God does not require, but others often do want to see it to understand that your new found life is for real.

Please pray for the husbands who I am coaching. There are four of them now who are really hurting and wondering why they are staying with their rebellious wives, except for their commitment to love God and do things His ways, not wanting to leave their children in the hands of messed of moms. May the Spirit touch these wives and convict them so that they may repent. Only then may they find the love and blessings of their hearts being met by God through loving their husbands. No longer their enemy, but now their lifelong friend.  

I am grateful that Lori, although being difficult with me for years, never allowed bitterness in her life. It would have been easy for her to justify as health issues and a husband seeking success made for a hard life. Not all difficult wives are bitter, but if they are not careful, any real or perceived imperfection in a husband can take root and destroy a relationship, and in turn their whole lives. Decide never to let that be you, for bitterness is exceedingly ugly and sinful.

It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a large house.
Proverbs 21:9

Wifely Submission as it is Fit in the Lord

Wifely Submission as it is Fit in the Lord

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord” (Colossians 3:18). I love reading and studying the Word every morning. Something new always gets my attention and yesterday morning “as it is fit in the Lord” popped out at me so I looked to see what Gill’s Exposition of the Entire Bible had to say about this phrase. (You can’t imagine, well yes you can, how much women fight us on this biblical concept!)

“…as it is fit in the Lord; that is, Christ, as the Syriac version reads it. Subjection of wives to their own husbands is ‘fit’ and proper in its own nature, by reason of the original creation of man, and of the woman from him: man was made first, and then the woman; and the woman was made out of the man, out of one of his ribs; and so, though not to be trampled under his feet, but to be by his side, and an help meet to him, yet not to be head, or to rule over him.”

I love this! There is so much in creation that shows the clear order between men and women. Man was made first for a reason. God created man in His own image (So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him – Genesis 1:27) and then saw that man needed a help meet, not an equal (meaning same) but someone who could help him in life by making his life better, easier, and more enjoyable. Do you make your husband’s life better, easier, and more enjoyable? Women were not created to be the head over men or rule them. It’s out of God’s created order and is not fit in the Lord, so it will never produce good fruit.

“Moreover, the woman was made for the man, and not the man for the woman; add to this, that the woman was in the transgression, and the means of the fall of man, which gave a fresh reason for, and made the obligation to subjection to him the stronger:”

Women are more easily deceived. This is a fact. Car salesmen or any salesmen are happier when trying to sell to a woman than a man. Who do you think are buying all those gadgets on the TV advertisements? Women buy more than 80 percent of all U.S. goods and services.  Wise women know that they are more easily deceived, therefore, they should want to be in subjection to their husbands who are not as easily deceived. This is for their protection!

“…and it is also a ‘decent’ and becoming thing for wives to be subject to their husbands; for as it is giving honour to them, it is a real ornament to themselves, and is one of those good works which women professing godliness should adorn themselves with; and makes more comely and beautiful than broidered hair; gold, pearls, or costly array, yea, than their natural favour and beauty:”

Do you want to be known as a holy woman? Do you want others to know that you love the Lord and can clearly see His work in you? Did you know that by being subject to your husband you are adorning yourself and making your husband look good in the eyes of others? For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands (1 Peter 3:5). This is what makes a woman lovely not only to her husband but to others.

I have seen elaborately decorated woman who were rebellious to their husbands and all of their finery didn’t profit them at all. Then there are women like Debi Pearl who doesn’t wear makeup or finery yet is beautiful in the way that she is submissive to her husband. I have met her and she is a joyful woman who delights in pleasing her husband. I am sure all of you have seen women like this. They respectfully listen when their husbands talk without interrupting. They smile at them often. They praise them and are affectionate with them.

Then there are women who rolls their eyes when their husband’s talk, interrupts and corrects them, and shows disdain for their husbands. You can clearly see who the truly beautiful woman is between these two types of women. Do you adorn yourself and bring honor to your husband by being in subjection to him?

“…it is what is fitting ‘in the Lord’: it is what he requires, not only what the law of God requires, see 1 Corinthians 14:34 and which was enjoined originally, see Genesis 3:16 and was charged as a duty under the legal dispensation; but is what is commanded by Christ under the Gospel dispensation, and is to be observed by all those that are ‘in’ him, that profess to be new creatures, converted persons, that so the word of God be not blasphemed, and the enemy have no occasion to reproach.”

Do you understand what Christ has done for you? If not, study Romans and learn, then decide to live lives worthy of Him. If you are a believer in Christ Jesus, you are in Him and new creatures in Christ. God requires you, as His child, to live in subjection to your husband. If you are not living wholeheartedly in subjection to your husband, you are acting evil against the Word of God. You are showing to a lost world that God is powerless to transform His children. You are pushing others away from knowing the Lord instead of drawing them towards Him. We are to shine the light of Christ to others and one way we do this, women, is by living in subjection to our husbands in everything.

“…see Titus 2:5 though this phrase may also be considered as a restriction and limitation of this subjection; that though it reaches to all things, yet only to such as are agreeable to the will of the Lord, and not contrary to the Gospel of Christ; for in these they are not to be subject to them, but to Christ the Lord; but in all other things they are, even as the church is subject to Christ: and when this is the case, such subjection is regarded by Christ as if it was done to himself; and indeed his honour and glory should be the governing view in it; see Ephesians 5:22.”

I am not sure how Titus 2:5 shows a restriction to our subjection to our husbands but yes, if they ask us to participate in evil which is clearly against the Word of God, we are not to participate since Christ is our ultimate authority, although I can tell you that in the thirteen years I have been mentoring women not one woman has told me that her husband has commanded her to do evil.

One woman in the chat room has a husband who wants her to buy him beer and she doesn’t want to do this but I told her she must since buying beer isn’t evil. If he had asked her to watch porn with him, rob a bank, or get into a car when he is drunk and wants to drive, then she can refuse but make sure that she is obeying him in everything else. Look at Sarah, she even obeyed Abraham twice when he told her to lie and say she was his sister, then she was put into the Kings’ harem!

The majority of husbands aren’t asking their wives to commit evil. They would like a clean and tidy home, yummy meals to be served, their children to be disciplined and trained, their wives to look pretty, be treated with kindness and respect, and enjoy having sexual relations with them. This is what most husbands would love from their wives. So instead of focusing on all the things you shouldn’t submit to your husband, as many love to do these days, focus on all the ways you should be submitting to your husband in everything instead.

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Ephesians 5:24

Ramblings on Affairs and Divorce

Ramblings on Affairs and Divorce

Affairs and divorce seem to be common among Christians these days and I have some ramblings I want to share with you about them. In order to do this, I am going to tell a fake story with fake names but with many truthful facts that are happening in couples we know personally.

Sue and Jim have been married for fifteen years. They have four children ages six, eight, ten, and twelve. Sue is a stay-at-home wife. She is a rebellious wife. She doesn’t keep the home clean. She doesn’t fix Jim meals after he gets home from working ten hard hours at work trying to provide a living for his family. She doesn’t do his laundry. She hasn’t given him sex for six years, since the last child was conceived. She uses foul language often and is a very bitter woman towards Jim.

Jim tries to do what he can to make her happy but to no avail. He is being mentored by godly men and still nothing ever seems to improve. Things just continue to get worse. There’s a kind woman at his work who he’s been getting to know. She encourages him and they enjoy each other. They finally begin having an affair.

About six months later, Sue finds out about the affair and divorces Jim. She takes half of what he owns and lets everyone know what a horrible husband he was for having an affair and being a covenantbreaker. All of their friends feel so badly for Sue and comfort her and give Jim a cold shoulder.

Now, I want you to be honest with me? Who was at the most fault for the destruction of this marriage? Yes, they both sinned against each other but according to our culture, Jim was far worse than Sue since he had an affair and according to Jesus, adultery is a reason for divorce. But Jesus also said that if a man lusts after another woman, he commits adultery in his heart. Therefore, if a man lusts after a woman, his wife can divorce him because he committed adultery in his heart and adultery is a reason for divorce.

If this reasoning stands and Christians believe it to be so, then all wives can divorce their husbands because, most likely, all men have lusted after a woman who is not their wife at one time or another. Here’s the conversation Jesus had with the Pharisees about divorce from Matthew 19:

The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?

And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,

And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?

He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.

And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

There’s no command there from Jesus to divorce. In fact, he stated that divorce was only given because of the “hardness of your hearts” and “what therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” Look at the book of Hosea; it is an example of Christ being faithful to His Bride even during her unfaithfulness to Him.

What am I trying to get at here? I believe that Sue was every bit as guilty, if not more, in tearing her marriage apart. She refused to submit to her husband’s leadership, she failed to be available sexually, and she failed to love, for love is patient and kind. No, it doesn’t excuse Jim for having an affair but most women who divorce their husbands because their husbands had an affair fail to give any explanation of how they were as a wife. Were they available as a help meet to their husband? Were they submissive and kind to him? Did they learn what pleased him? Did they follow their husband’s leadership as head of their home or were they so busy doing their own thing (in the name of ministry) that they failed to minister to their husband as a priority?

When I mentor women, the first thing most of them do is tell me how horrible their husbands are but then I ask them how they are as a wife? Without fail, there are many things they are doing wrong, too. It almost always takes two to destroy a marriage in the end and neither party is blameless.

This is all I wanted to say. I hate divorce. God hates divorce. It’s so destructive not only for the children but for culture and the name of Christ, too. I don’t like seeing these famous “Christian” women bloggers/preachers/teachers telling us about divorcing their husbands because their husbands had affairs, yet fail to say anything they did to tear down their marriage. They easily expose all of their husbands’ sins but none of their own and I seriously doubt they are completely innocent, then everyone feels so badly for the women and expresses what a jerk their husbands were. It all seems wrong to me, when yes, adultery is wrong, but there is more blame to go around than just on the husbands who had an affair.

At least, be honest about what really happened, give no details at all, or best of all, try to win back their husbands by practicing 1 Peter 3:1-6, for love bears all things, believes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. Aren’t Christians supposed to be different? Aren’t we supposed to have strong marriages that are examples to a lost world of Christ’s forgiveness and His unending and enduring love for His Church?

The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:39

Are Husbands Supposed to Submit to Their Wives?

Are Husbands Supposed to Submit to Their Wives?

Many people use the verse in Ephesians 5:21 to explain that husbands and wives are supposed to be mutually submissive. Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. I have heard this from the pulpit, from books, blogs, speakers, and teaching preachers on the radio. My question is how can that work in marriage when wives are commanded to submit to their husbands multiple times and husbands are never directly commanded to submit to their wives? I decided to go to the commentaries of old to find out what they had to say about this verse.

Elliot’s Commentary: In grammatical construction this clause is connected with the preceding verses; in point of idea it leads on to the next section, which treats of the three-fold submission of wives to husbands, children to parents, slaves to masters.

Barnes’ Notes on the Bible: Maintaining due subordination in the various relations of life. This general principle of religion, the apostle proceeds now to illustrate in reference to wives Ephesians 5:22-24; to children Ephesians 6:1-3; and to servants, Ephesians 6:5-8.

Matthew Poole’s Commentary: to those to whom ye ought to be subject in natural, civil, or church relations.

Gill’s Eposition: Which may be understood either in a political sense, of giving honour, obedience, and tribute, to civil magistrates, since they are set up by God for the good of men, and it is for the credit of religion for the saints to submit to them; or in an economical sense; thus the wife should be subject to the husband, children to their parents, and servants to their masters, which several things are afterwards insisted on, as explanative of this rule.

Cambridge Bible: The primary point in the spiritual ethics of the Gospel is humiliation; self is dethroned as against God, and consequently as against men. Here the special, but not exclusive, reference is to fellow-Christians. “[The precept] seems to have been suggested by the humble and loving spirit which is the moving principle of thanksgiving” (Ellicott). Special applications of this great principle now follow, in a study of the relative duties of the Christian Home.

I couldn’t find one that said specifically that husbands are to submit to wives. Some said we are to serve others in the body of Christ and I agree since we are called to be living sacrifices but these men of old were wise enough to take the Scripture as a whole and not make a doctrine out of one verse since there are other verses that specifically command wives to be submissive, subjective, and obedient to their husbands. God is very clear about this and there should never be any confusion.

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives (1 Peter 3:1).

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing (Ephesians 5:21, 22)

…and the wife see that she reverence her husband (Ephesians 5:33).

…To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed (Titus 2:5).

But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God (1 Corinthians 11:3).

For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man (1 Corinthians 11:7).

I am not sure how you can argue that a husband is ever commanded to submit to his wife with all of these verses. It would be the same as saying that parents should submit to their children and many are doing this these days which causes chaos in the home because it’s not God’s order, just as it’s not His order for husbands to submit to their wives.

Denmark’s Children are Not So Happy

Denmark’s Children are Not So Happy

Danish people are supposedly the most happy people on earth or so “they” say. Demark is a socialist country so the taxes are high and the government is large.  Here is what Helen Russell who loves living there wrote in her article called What Living Danishly Taught Me About Happiness. (You must sign up to get the first magazine with the article in it for free.)

“Most Danes don’t mind paying taxes of 50 percent or more, because there’s a trust that the government will spend the money wisely and that everyone else will also contribute their fair share…(This couple had a baby) and then we both went back to work, since kids are guaranteed a place in high-quality state-run day care from six months of age in Denmark, the cost 75 percent subsidized via taxes. All this at a time when friends back home (UK) have had to give up their jobs as they can’t afford child care. Because it’s totally doable to have a family and a career, 85 percent of Danish mothers return to work, and domestic chores are shared more equally between the sexes. It’s as if Danes recognize that caregiving is just as important as breadwinning—and it doesn’t matter who’s doing what.”

“Most Danes don’t mind paying taxes of 50 percent or more, because there’s a trust that the government will spend the money wisely and that everyone else will also contribute their fair share…” Many in our country are trying to turn it into a socialist country like Denmark (which it already is in many ways) but Denmark is only one-third the size of New York State so it would be an entirely different ballgame. It’s interesting that she believes that the people in Denmark trust their government to spend their money wisely. Most governments are known for their waste hence the large amounts of debt (trillions of dollars in ours). The Danish falsely believe that some impersonal bureaucracy will make better decisions on how to spend their money than those who actually work hard to make it. Governments are created to protect its people, not provide cradle to grave care, since this lays heavy burdens upon those who are hard working and encourages others to be lazy.

 The downside in Denmark is that it’s very expensive to live there, the educational system isn’t that good, depression, anxiety, and alcoholism are common, and personal debt is high. Socialism has never worked long term in any country and it never will. Anything that takes away people’s motivation to work hard (high taxes) doesn’t work for long since God created us to work. For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat (2 Thessalonians 3:10).

“…we both went back to work, since kids are guaranteed a place in high-quality state-run day care from six months of age in Denmark, the cost 75 percent subsidized via taxes.”  This sounds like a horrific nightmare to me! I can’t imagine they are “high-quality” because there are still strangers raising the children from the time they are babies. These strangers don’t love the children like their own mothers do. They don’t discipline and train those children as the mothers are supposed to do. These babies don’t have a mother to bond full-time with which will end up causing a lot of mental and emotional problems in the children when they grow up.

“All this at a time when friends back home (UK) have had to give up their jobs as they can’t afford child care.” As if mothers having to stay home with their children is the worse thing that can happen because the mothers’ jobs are much more important than raising their own children! No, it’s much healthier for children if their mothers can’t afford child care and they must parent their own children. No one can replace a full-time mother in a child’s life.

“Because it’s totally doable to have a family and a career, 85 percent of Danish mothers return to work, and domestic chores are shared more equally between the sexes.” Therefore, most of the children in Denmark aren’t being raised by their mothers. This is sure to have long-term terrible consequences for this small country as I have stated. Couples sharing domestic chores is supposedly the ideal situation according to feminists but Denmark sees record number of divorces. I guess sharing chores doesn’t ensure strong marriages.

In her article, she states that there are no “terrible twos” because two-year old children throwing temper tantrums are just normal behavior! “The idea of the “terrible twos” and “threenagers” are alien to Danes, who class toddlerdom as trodsalder, or “the boundary age,” when it’s accepted that pushing the limits is normal rather than naughty.” Of course it’s normal behavior when parents aren’t around to stop them from throwing tantrums. Those women in the “high-quality state-run day care” aren’t going to take the time with each child to discipline and train them to know that temper tantrums are unacceptable behavior.

“It’s as if Danes recognize that caregiving is just as important as breadwinning—and it doesn’t matter who’s doing what.” Do you see what she is saying in this sentence? She’s actually downplaying what God has to say about the different roles He’s given men and women. Caregiving has been given to women and breadwinning has been given to men. Feminists have caused women to believe that breadwinning is more important than caregiving so this is why many women work outside of their homes, but this isn’t true. They are both important to the survival of families

Denmark is a great place for those who don’t want to keep most of their hard-earned money, love large government intrusions, and want to have strangers raise their children, but I can tell you one thing, it sure isn’t a happy place for the children. I didn’t want the government and strangers raising my children. I wanted to do this and so should you.

And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.  You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.  You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
Deuteronomy 6:6-9

Most Marriage Books Hurt Marriages

Most Marriage Books Hurt Marriages

During my thirty six years of married life, I have read many marriage books. Even when we had a difficult marriage, I would be searching and reading for answers to our marriage problems. Now, I understand clearly why most marriage books didn’t help me.

There’s one I’m reading now and it is written by a woman but she writes to men, too. She explains a wife’s role and then a husband’s role in marriage. I am often told that I need to teach men to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. There’s a problem with this method that I have found.

In this book I am reading, she explains that in a marriage there should be at least nine encouraging words from each other before speaking any type of correction, exhortation, or rebuke. This made me ponder and I was thinking that I needed to inform Ken that he must give me nine encouraging words before any type of correction. Yes, I was going to tell him because so-and-so said this was how a good marriage worked!

I didn’t discuss it right away with him, thankfully, but began pondering it. What if I tell him this plan and he then only gives me three encouraging words and then corrects me. Ooppss! I then tell him that he was wrong for doing this and needed to give me six more encouraging words before he corrected me. Guess what? I have become the leader in our marriage instead of him. I have decided to make up the rules instead of him. It doesn’t work. I tried this for 23 years. Besides, I would rather he give me encouraging words because he wants to give them to me and not because it’s expected of him.

If I were to teach men to treat their wives as the weaker vessel, then guess who would decide what that looked like? Does this mean he has to take care of the children and clean the house every night when he gets home to give her a break? How about the husband loving her as Christ loved the Church? Does this mean she gets to do whatever she wants and he is to support her in it?

Then there are questions a couple is supposed to ask each other when they’re in an argument: 1. Repeat what the spouse said to make sure you understand; 2. Look in their eyes and see the emotions behind what they are saying; 3. Talk and pray until a compromise is reached, etc. What about all of the Bible verses that teach us to not argue and fight, but pursue peace with all men? How about the fact that the husband is the head over the wife and she is to be subject to him in everything? These are usually not mentioned in marriage books.

God instructs wives to win their husbands “without the word” for a reason. I don’t know any woman who has changed her husband by continually correcting him, nagging him, or even simply speaking to him about his sins/faults. It’s not our job to change our husbands. The more expectations we put upon them, the worse our marriage will become.

If your husband does have a sin, fault, or bad habit that you want to confront him about, make sure that you have learned to not have any contempt, bitterness, or anger towards him first. Pull that log out of your own eye before approaching your husband. Learn to love him, be kind, patient, warm, and affectionate towards him. After he knows that you truly do love him and want the best for him, then make a gentle appeal to him once, then leave it with the Lord to convict and change him.

It’s not my place to teach women how their husbands should act since it becomes a stumbling block to a better marriage for most women, plus I am not instructed to teach men in the Word. Husbands have the choice how to act and if your husband does not obey the word, then obey 1 Peter 3:1-6. There’s no better prescription for you in your behavior towards your husband. We are to live in subjection to them (not trying to change them) with godly behavior  and without the word (without preaching or nagging) which means having meek and quiet spirits. The less expectations and “rules” you place upon your marriage, the better it will become.

By living in submission to him, showing him respect, kindness, warmth, and affection, you will have a much better chance of having a great marriage. This will draw your husband towards you instead of pushing him away. Forget the suggestions of what he’s supposed to do and instead focus upon what you’re supposed to do. Read marriage books that only address your part in the marriage and learn from them. Plus, most marriage books write nothing about a wife being subject to her husband in everything and obedient to him. Find ones that teach these important principles and ask the Lord to change you into the wife that He has created you to be.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Ephesians 5:22-24

“Hath God Said…?”

“Hath God Said…?”

“Satan knows how to deceive her. She has a questioning spirit and a seducing spirit. ‘Hath God said…?’ (Genesis 3:1). There is confusion from women leaving their supportive role as a mother and seeking a career with devastating results.” These words were spoken by Denny Kenaston in his sermon “The Hidden Woman.”

Women question God’s Word constantly. They don’t want to do God’s will for their lives so they listen to women preachers/teachers/bloggers/writers that tickle their ears. These female preachers never tell these women to submit to or obey their husbands or be keepers at home. They fail to teach them what God has commanded they teach, for if they did they would no longer be popular.

Sadly, even “Christian” women question God, “Hath God said…?” Instead of answering their questions by going to the Word, they go to the culture or their feelings instead. “No, God couldn’t want me to obey my husband because that will lead to abuse. No, God wouldn’t want be to be unhappy. No, God wouldn’t want me to suffer. No, God wouldn’t want me to give up my dreams and career to be a homemaker instead. No, God doesn’t want me to have any more children.  No, God doesn’t really care if I wear a bikini or dress immodestly.” They make up their own god who is not God at all.

Women have told me that I hate women. No, I love God and His ways. I know His plan for women is how godly women are supposed to live and it’s perfect for them. Denny taught that a woman who has a career is a fish out of water. She’s not where she’s supposed to be. Therefore, women are getting many more diseases, anxiety, and pain than ever before because they are away from where God wants them to be in their home and with their family. Women are to be home. This is their water. This is what is best for them. They are to be busy at home, not running here and there or having a career.

Many women don’t want to be keepers at home and this is why God has instructed older women to teach younger women to be keepers at home. Most women would rather have careers, make a name for themselves, shop, eat out, waste money, go to Bible Studies, and do everything but be keepers at home. Why does God want women to be keepers at home? Home is where families are built, children are raised, husbands are loved, hospitality is shown to those in need, meals are fixed for the sick, and the family is nourished, given rest, and prepared to minister to a lost and lonely culture.

Here are how some commentaries defined keepers at home.

Matthew Pool’s Commentary: house-wives, not spending their time in gadding abroad, but in looking to the affairs of their own families.

Gill’s Exposition:  minding their own family affairs, not gadding abroad; and inspecting into, and busying themselves about other people’s matters. This is said in opposition to what women are prone unto…for there is nothing more beautiful for a woman, than to abide in the corner of her house.

Jamieson Fausett’s Commentary: as “guardians of the house,” as the Greek expresses. The oldest manuscripts read, “Workers at home”: active in household duties.

Questions you must ask yourself: “Is my home generally clean, tidy, and organised? Is my family being fed nourishing meals? Are their clothes cleaned and put away? Am I spending plenty of time teaching, training, and disciplining my children? Am I doing what my husband wants me to do for him? Am I looking well to the ways of my household?”

God created women. He knows our weaknesses and our strengths. He knows our strengths are best used in the home and men’s strength is outside the home being the provider. He created each of the sexes to operate in this way and it’s perfect. Listen to what God hath said. Don’t doubt like Eve did and question why, how, or when. Trust Him at His Word.

“Every ounce of good in this world comes from God. Nothing can possibly be good unless it comes from God. A joyful Christian believes this truth. She banks her life — and her joy — on it.” (Jim Johnston)

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
Psalm 119:105

Anything That Attacks the Family is Bad For Society

Anything That Attacks the Family is Bad For Society

The family is under attack today (as I have written repeatedly about) and no nation can last for long if the institution of the family is destroyed.  Dale Ahlquist wrote about this destruction and some prophetic sayings of G.K. Chesterton, who was a theologian in the early 1900s. (I enjoy these men’s teachings from long ago!)

“Chesterton was so consistently right in his pronouncements and prophecies because he understood that anything that attacked the family was bad for society. That is why he spoke out against eugenics and contraception, against divorce and ‘free love’ (another term he disliked because of its dishonesty), but also against…compulsory state-sponsored education and mothers hiring other people to do what mothers were designed to do themselves. It is safe to say that Chesterton stood up against every trend and fad that plagues us today because every one of those trends and fads undermines the family.”

He is right on! Sadly, our culture promotes birth control, divorce, free love, public schooling, and day cares. The Church remains relatively silent on all of these issues, unfortunately. Birth control prevents the life of human beings and most of it has dangerous side effects. Divorce is destructive to all involved. Free love isn’t free and it isn’t love. Public schooling (run by a godless government) takes children away from their parents all day long for most of their growing up years and teaches them anything they deem important, like it’s fine and dandy for children to have two daddies and sex education which has no biblical admonitions in it (like purity and abstinence until marriage). Day cares take mothers away from their babies. None of these destructive forces are promoted in God’s Word because they all attack the family.

“In 1926, he warned, ‘The next great heresy will be an attack on morality, especially sexual morality.’ His warning has gone unheeded, and sexual morality has decayed progressively. But let us remember that it began with birth control, which is an attempt to create sex for sex’s sake, changing the act of love into an act of selfishness. The promotion and acceptance of lifeless, barren, selfish sex has logically progressed to homosexuality.”

God created sex for a husband and wife to enjoy each other but also to be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth (Genesis 1:28). However, most Christian couples use birth control for a few years after getting married and then again once they have a couple of children. They have taken away one of God’s primary reasons for marriage and sex, for their own pleasures thus attacking the family.

If they don’t think they’re financially ready, they fail to trust God’s provision. If they have a lot of student debt, they were unwise in their youth to build up this debt unless it was for the husband to have a good career which will enable him to pay it off quickly, but there’s nothing shameful about living simply after marriage to have children.

“The world has made a mockery of marriage that has now culminated with homosexual unions. But it was heterosexual men and women who paved the way to this decay. Divorce, which is an abnormal thing, is now treated as normal. Contraception, another abnormal thing, is now treated as normal. Abortion is still not normal, but it is legal. Making homosexual ‘marriage’ legal will not make it normal, but it will add to the confusion of the times. And it will add to the downward spiral of our civilization. But Chesterton’s prophecy remains: We will not be able to destroy the family. We will merely destroy ourselves by disregarding the family.”

It saddens me to hear about so many “Christian” women who have gotten divorced. It’s definitely epidemic even in the Church. Thankfully, there are women in the chat room who are “standers.” They are standing strong in the Lord and winning their husbands back without a word (1 Peter 3:1-6). Some of their husbands are adulterers, others are addicts, some are worse than “infidels” by not providing (1 Timothy 5:8), and others are unkind. They understand what is at stake in their lives, in their husband’s lives, and in their children’s lives. They wait patiently while growing in godliness and resting in the Lord, even though there is a lot of suffering. They are willing to do this because they understand the value of family and God’s love for it. Today’s culture hates suffering but God uses it for good. (Study 1 Peter thoroughly.)

Contraception is abnormal. Married couples should want children. It’s culture who has warped their thinking. Our children are our greatest blessings. Abortion and homosexuality destroy families but thankfully as Chesterton said, “We will not be able to destroy the family.” As long as God is on His throne, which is forever, there will be a remnant who believes in family and will do all they can to make it strong and influence society for good. God created the family and no one can permanently thwart His will.

Build ye houses, and dwell in them; and plant gardens, and eat the fruit of them; Take ye wives, and beget sons and daughters; and take wives for your sons, and give your daughters to husbands, that they may bear sons and daughters; that ye may be increased there, and not diminished.
Jeremiah 29:5, 6