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Feeling Guilty For Having Sex After Married

Feeling Guilty For Having Sex After Married

Hollywood makes sex out to be absolutely amazing with fireworks the very first time a couple has sex so young people grow up to believe that it must be amazing always, UNLESS they are raised in a godly home by Christian parents. I was out to lunch with some friends the other day and they were all taught to be pure until marriage. They taught their children the same thing. The problem was that they weren’t taught that sex was supposed to be fun and enjoyable once married and they didn’t teach their children, either, so on their honeymoons and for a while after, it was difficult for them to enjoy sex because it was always forbidden in their minds and they felt guilt.

I asked the women in the chat room if any of them were raised this way and felt guilt once they were married and had sex, since I had never heard of this before. I was raised by a mom who clearly let us know that sex was wonderful in marriage and we taught our children the same. Many of the women in the chat room said that they did have guilt feelings concerning sex after marriage and it seems to come from the lack of being taught by their parents.

One woman wrote, “I was raised this way. Sex was never talked about except in terms of waiting till marriage. When I got married, I very much enjoyed sex, however, I had a feeling of guilt I couldn’t shake for probably a few months, like I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to do. I’m determine to have much more open conversations with my daughter.”

Another one wrote, “Yes! I was definitely raised this way and I’ve been married 17 years and still sometimes feel guilty or feel like a bad person when I do have sex with my husband. My mom made me so afraid to have sex that when I actually did (I waited until I was married), I was terrified of it.”

Yet another, “I was told very little but I knew you weren’t supposed to have sex before marriage and my mother said that once you’re married, ‘Everything is okay.’ I didn’t know what ‘everything’ was but I knew it wasn’t bad. Labels like ‘pure UNTIL marriage’ contribute to this issue. I think we are so used to them that we don’t realize what we’re saying. Yes, we are to be pure before marriage but sex in marriage IS pure. We need to teach our children that married sex is an extension of purity and not the end of it.”

The following comment was written by a wise, older woman named Paula on this YouTube about sex after marriage and children: “You treated this subject very tastefully, Kathryn, and this is the opinion from a 70 year old~~not quite Victorian woman! I would like to add that physical intimacy does not always have to be WOW to be beautiful, good for a couple’s health and closeness, and to be rewarding. Just having each other and being able to hold and love each other is a gift. You did not mention performing, but I think some people think that is necessary. Love and caring are key.

“Also, women need to appreciate that their husbands like their bodies and not try to hide them or be embarrassed by them. Do not make negative statements to your husband about your body, and be grateful for any compliments, even when you do not see it the way he sees it. In this case, remembering that ‘love is blind’ is helpful! One more tip, if you will: asking God to give you grace to bless your husband in this way, even while experiencing physical intimacy. This is a prayer He will gladly answer with a ‘yes’.”

Mothers, it’s your responsibility to be open with your children about sex at the proper age. It’s usually when they begin asking questions. You don’t have to go into details (unless they are asking right before they get married) but let them know that they are to be pure before marriage and make sure they know all of the benefits to this. God’s commands are ALWAYS for our best! Then, tell them how wonderful sex is after marriage and how God created it for us to enjoy. Teach your children to not deprive their spouse since this is a command from God (1 Corinthians 7:5).

Make sure your daughters know how very important sex will be to their husbands and that they need to be available to them even if there are times, like after birth, that they must be creative. Help them to make the decision in their minds that this will be a priority in their lives. They need to understand that their husbands should not take the place of a back burner once their children are born. If they have time to watch their favorite TV show or scroll through Facebook, then they have time to bring pleasure to their husband!

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.  A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
Proverbs 5:18, 19
STOP Living With Your Boyfriend!

STOP Living With Your Boyfriend!

Younger women, God calls you to be chaste regardless of what our culture promotes. Chaste means “pure from all unlawful commerce of sexes. Applied to persons before marriage, it signifies pure from all sexual commerce, undefiled; applied to married persons, true to the marriage bed.” Therefore, no type of sexual activity before marriage and once married, sexual activity is only between a man and his wife. Sex is wonderful but it was created by God, not only to create new life, but to be enjoyed and bring pleasure to married couples.

Many young, unmarried couples today live (have sex) together before marriage, including many Christian ones, and think nothing is wrong with it since it is so common. We live by the commands of God, not what is acceptable in our wicked generation. God wants you free from all sexual activity before marriage for very good reasons, so don’t move in with your boyfriend no matter how much he persuades you to do so!

Once you move in with your boyfriend, he has little reason to ask you to marry him. You are already there to provide all that he needs: cook, cleaner, maybe financial benefit, and someone to have sex with him at night. Why should he have to take on all the responsibilities of marriage (commitment, provider, protector) when he can easily get the benefits of marriage (sex and a woman who helps him) for free?

The longer you two cohabitate, the more things you will share: rent/mortgage, utilities, furniture, pets, and sadly, illegitimate children. It always leads to one of two paths: marriage or separation. When your highly inevitable break up occurs, you will need to decide who keeps what and who moves out. It is hard to decide who keeps what when you have been splitting everything 50/50 for years. You can’t exactly cut your table that you both paid materials and labor into in half, or make larger decisions like how much and when to sell the home you bought.

Hopefully, you haven’t already gone as far as having sex, making children together, and moving in with your boyfriend. Even though society, family, and friends may think you two should live together while dating, DON’T DO IT! All of this is foolish behavior and will reap unhappy results. Find a godly, older person who will keep you accountable with your boyfriend. Seek purity in everything! Don’t spend too much time alone together. It’s not wise to do so.

But women say, “It’s cheaper,” or “We want to see if we want to marry each other,” or “We need to ‘try’ each other out.” Living together while dating each other is very different than married couples living together. You aren’t wondering if you paid for the movie tickets last time, or if it’s your turn to drive and buy groceries. You’ll always have in your mind that you can leave at any time since there’s no commitment which is what true love is. Plus, if you have been unfaithful before marriage, it is much easier to be unfaithful once married. There are many good reasons God commands young women to be chaste!

There is something beautiful and precious about becoming one flesh in the bonds of marriage. It’s not bondage as our culture tries to convince you. It’s freedom! Freedom from fear of getting pregnant. (So what if you’re blessed with another baby!) Freedom from sexually transmitted disease. Freedom from fear he will just up and leave you with no strings attached. Commitment is a wonderful thing and the commitment in marriage should be “until death do you part.”

Save yourself a lot of time and get a female roommate, if you aren’t living at home anymore. It costs less than what you may lose if you breakup, but more importantly, the largest cost by far is falling away from your faith which continuing in sin does to people. Sin hardens hearts away from the truth and then you will begin believing lies. It’s a very slippery slope to be on.

IF you have already moved in…

Move out if you aren’t married!

Are you waiting for your boyfriend that you live with to “pop” the question? If so, move out until you are married, not just engaged but married. Marriage is a commitment for life. Love is commitment, not doing what you feel like doing or want to experiment with. No, it’s a lifelong, beautiful commitment between a man and a woman.

You know how hard it will be to separate the stuff you share, so do it now while you are still dating and are on good terms with each other. Imagine having a conversation about how to get your checking accounts back to just your own name when you need his signature, or who gets the fluffy dog that greets you every night at the door while you still adore each other. Now imagine doing that after finding out he found a new gal. Better to do it now, right?

Still want to marry him? This isn’t going to slow down that process. If he for some reason breaks up with you because of it, he obviously didn’t intend on marrying you ever. You are free to go find a future husband while you are still young. I believe if a man doesn’t want to marry a woman after a year of dating/courting, it may be time to move on, especially if she is over 21 years old.

Finally, if you have already had sex with your boyfriend and/or are living with him, please turn away from this sin, then remind yourself that the moment you believed in Jesus Christ as your Savior, every single sin you ever have committed or will commit was forgiven. Remind yourself who you are in Christ (a new creature in Christ) and begin again to walk in newness of life. Thank the Lord for forgiving you for your sin of having sex with your boyfriend or living with him, repent (stop doing the sin), and begin to live in obedience to the Lord (“sin no more”).

His ways are good, dear women. They are perfect. Yes, you may suffer from scars of your past sins but you can move on knowing that you are completely forgiven and now have the power (Christ’s power living within you) to do the right thing!

Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
1 Corinthians 6:18

Only 12.3 Percent of Females are Virgins After College

Only 12.3 Percent of Females are Virgins After College

“‘We are sliding backward’; STDs hit record high in US as resistant gonorrhea emerges. The US saw a record number of cases of sexually transmitted diseases in 2017, marking the fourth straight year of sharp increases in gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia, according to preliminary data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.”

Sixty percent of teens have had sex by graduation. The average “American loses his or her virginity at age 17. Virgins make up 12.3 percent of females and 14.3 percent of males aged 20-24.” Yet, don’t try to teach young people to be virgins until marriage or you will be blasted even by other Christians! Ridiculous. I aim to obey God rather than man (or woman).

God’s ways are perfect. He made sex to be between one woman and one man in the covenant of marriage. It’s not to be tried out before marriage to make sure the parts fit. The parts will fit! It’s not to be played around with before marriage. No, we are called to be chaste before marriage meaning no sex whatsoever before marriage; for the marriage bed is to be undefiled.

The consequences of not obeying God in this area are deadly. STDs can cause “infertility, stillbirth and an increased risk of HIV.” Besides the physical consequences, there are emotional consequences, too. We weren’t created to have sex like animals. No, we are made in the image of God and God calls us to take care of the temples (our bodies that He has given to us).

Did you notice that more males are virgins between 20 – 24 than females! While only 40 percent of high schoolers are virgins, only 12.3 percent of females are virgins after college. College is a breeding ground of sexual immorality with the drugs, alcohol, and hormone levels at an all time high and it’s only going to get worse. We live in a highly sexualized culture and we are not to see the things that most young people are seeing. We are to dwell on the lovely and the pure for a very good reason and take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

I am becoming more and more convinced that the way the Duggars handle the relationships between young men and women is the way to go! When a testosterone-filled young man and a vulnerable young woman who “loves” the young men have too much time alone together, usually nothing good comes of it. It’s good to set boundaries for our children before marriage to protect them from sexual immorality.

It’s best to have them do things in groups as they are getting to know each other and then have chaperons if they want to go on dates. The Duggars only allow side hugs and no kissing until marriage. I do know that kissing gets the “motors” running and when there are chaperons around, there won’t be much kissing going on! Make sure that your children are taught that whatever they do, they are to do for the glory of God, even their behavior with the person they are attracted to before marriage.

I believe we take the command to be chaste much too loosely these days but we need to begin taking it seriously because it is serious to God and has serious consequences if disobeyed. We must never go along with the flow of culture since it’s on the broad path that leads to destruction. We must ponder our paths and the paths our children are on and do all we can to protect them from the evil influences around them.

Unfortunately, there was NOTHING in the above mentioned articles about the lack of virgins in high school and older that encourage young people to stay virgins until marriage. No, our culture would think this is a set back to their modern agenda of free sex and doing whatever feels good. Teach your children the value of virginity before marriage. As my grandmother taught her five daughters, “Your virginity is not your own. Your virginity is a gift you save for your future husband.”

We are the Church of the Living God. Let’s begin acting like it and teaching our children His perfect ways. If we don’t, the culture will influence them towards godlessness and horrible consequences. Nothing good comes apart from God’s will.

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
Hebrews 13:4