The Transformed Wife

We know of some couples who are going through some very hard times and the wives refuse to be intimate with their husbands. Yes, we can try to guess what the husbands are doing wrong that the wives don’t want to have sex with them but we must still focus upon obeying God even when the other spouse is not in some areas. Most times in these situations, the wives don’t want to talk to me because they know what I will tell them, so we pray.

I read an article by a woman, who is not a Christian, entitled What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity. She prefers married men because she doesn’t have to worry about the long-term emotional attachment since they have wives, children, and mortgages. She wrote, “What surprised me was that husbands weren’t looking to have more sex. They were looking to have any sex…I suppose I would hope his needs would involve fishing trips or beers with friends. But sex is basic. Physical intimacy with other human beings is essential to our health and well being. So how do we deny such a need to the one we care about most? If our primary relationship nourishes and stabilizes us but lacks intimacy, we shouldn’t have to destroy our marriage to get that intimacy somewhere else, should we?”

The answer is no. God is clear that we are not to deprive each other sexually. She found that most married men simply wanted sex and would prefer sex with their own wives. They live with them day in and day out and are attracted to their wives. This is what happens when members of the opposite sex live in the same house, dress in front of each other, and sleep in the same bed. This shouldn’t surprise women.

Men have ten times the testosterone than women and their sex drive is typically much higher than women’s. Wives need to know this so they will keep their husbands sexually satisfied at home so they won’t go elsewhere looking for it. No, the husbands shouldn’t do this but even God’s Word warns us about this. “Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency (1 Corinthians 7:5).” When wives deprive their husbands, they are opening up their husbands to be tempted by Satan. This is not good at all! We are to do nothing to cause our brothers to stumble, no, not even our husbands.

The author said these husbands didn’t tell their wives about their longing for sex and finding it elsewhere because they didn’t want to hurt their wives. The author thought the lie was worse than the affair. Most husbands probably tell their wives how much they want sex but not to the extent since they know how their wives will respond. More rejection. This is why God commands older women to teach younger women to love their husbands which includes satisfying them sexually. Husbands go to work daily even when they don’t feel like it. Wives need to be sexually available to their husbands even if they don’t feel like it. We lives our lives based upon obedience not feelings.

Yes, there are some men who will have affairs even if their wives are available sexually and there are times when a wife simply cannot be available sexually because of health issues, giving birth, and issues such as these. I am not speaking about these specific cases but if you are married to a man who loves you and wants sex with you, I am writing to you.

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
1 Corinthians 7:3, 4

A lie that many in the world believe is that only weak-willed women or women who are being bullied by their husbands are submissive. I read an article about this and asked my husband if I submitted to his leadership because I was weak-will or he bullied me. He laughed! I am not weak-will, nor has he ever bullied me. He doesn’t have a bullying bone in his body! I submit to my husband in obedience to the Lord. It actually takes a strong woman grounded in the Word of God and filled with His Spirit to be able to submit to their husband as unto the Lord.

A wife’s decision to be submissive to her husband does not mean she is weak-willed or that her husband will bully her because of her submission. Men who bully will bully women regardless of whether or not they have submissive wives and yes, may take advantage of a submissive wife but his bullying isn’t because of her submission. He’s a bully and she may need to seek help! And godly women who choose to be submissive are not weak-willed as many falsely believe today.

  I asked the women in the chat room if they lived in submission to their husbands because they were weak willed or bullied and here are some of their responses.

Debbie: “Lol. No one that knows me would ever accuse me of being weak-minded or try to bully me. Biblical submission is a reflection of a heart choice of a God-focused woman.”

Rebecca: “My husband has NEVER bullied me! And weak minded? I don’t think so! It takes great strength sometimes to be submissive but just like many other things in life, our lives are much better when we obey God.”

Katrina: “I try to be submissive because I love God and want to do what pleases him. ❤”

Paige: “People say the same things about Christ- what kind of God would die for his enemies? What kind of master would wash the feet of his servants? What kind of king would make peasants his co-heirs? His humility is why we serve. Not because we are weak or our husbands are mean, but because He is our example of servanthood.”

Lindsay: “I’m a very opinionated and strong woman. Nobody would get away with bullying me. I’m certainly not weak-minded. I submit to my husband because it’s what God’s word tells me and because life just works so much better when we all have our proper roles and aren’t fighting one another. I don’t want to compete with my husband or control him or fight with him. I married him because I love and respect him, so I wouldn’t want to undermine that respect by keeping him under my thumb, even if I could. I want him to take the lead so he keeps my knees weak and my admiration strong. A weak man I could control would not be very appealing to me at all.”

Verna: “Definitely not.”

Katie: “Raised in an atheist, feminist home. Strong minded enough to choose my own path, make my own choices, and go against my family’s ways. Would not class myself as weak minded at all.”

Chanse: “I probably wouldn’t be married still if it weren’t for Christ. It’s only through His power and submitting to His will that I continue to persevere and forbear through my difficult marriage. So, no I’m not bullied or weak minded. If I were, I’d be divorced.”

Robin: “These people just don’t understand how much strength and self control it takes for a woman to submit to her husband!”

Monica: “None of the above. I submit to my husband because God requires me to do so. This model has resulted in us having a very beautiful marriage. I would rather the wisdom of God than the foolishness of man.”

Kylene: “One of the reasons I’m submissive is because I used to be a feminist. I came to see feminism and the egalitarian (i.e. ‘two-headed monster marriage’ model) as being epic system failures that were detrimentally affecting both our culture and the Christian church. I’m no less than my husband. He seeks my perspective and input on everything of importance (the same way a CEO would brainstorm with the COO or other top executive) and then makes the final decision.”

Andrea: “My SIL was bullied by her husband, and lived for several years in submission because of him. She began to seek God and submit as he would have her, and their marriage was totally transformed! They are happy and doing wonderful. It’s amazing to see what a submissive heart can do.”

You see, women, these lies that only weak-minded women are submissive or women who are being bullied by their husbands are lies that the enemy of our souls wants women to believe. Satan doesn’t want women to obey God and live in submission to their husbands. He hates the Lord’s ways and comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Stop listening to the lies of the enemy and those whom he is using for his purposes. Listen to the Lover of your soul instead and do what He has commanded you to do. Only in Him will you find the peace and rest you are so desperately searching and longing for.

Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
1 Peter 3:6

The question of when a wife should disobey her husband comes up frequently. It seems that people are more concerned about when a wife should disobey her husband than obeying and submitting to him. We are told to submit to our husbands in everything (Ephesians 5:24), be obedient to them (Titus 2:5), and we are Sarah’s daughters as we obey our husbands as she obeyed Abraham (1 Peter 3:6). We are told that our husband is head over us (Ephesians 5:23). God has made it very clear that the husbands are the ones to lead their families, not the wives. But when should wives disobey their husbands?

As you know, I fully teach and believe that women should be keepers at home and raise their own children. What if a husband asks his wife to put their children into daycare and work full time? Should she disobey him because she believes it is sin? What if he asks her to fully vaccinate her children even though she believes this would be sin to pump her children “full of poison”? What if he asks her to put their children into the public schools even though she knows how sinful they are? What if he asks her to not spank their children when the Bible clearly tells us to use the rod on them? There are many things that are clearly stated in the Word of God that we should obey but what if the husbands ask their wives to disobey them?

I believe the only time a wife can disobey her husband is if he asks her to disobey a clear command of the Lord such as given in Romans 13:9 because God’s clear commands trump a husband’s. “For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”

A wife never has to obey her husband if he asks her to do anything that will defile the marriage bed as in having an affair, watching pornography, engaging in anal sex, or participating in a threesome. She would never have to obey him if he asked her to get an abortion, steal, bear false witness, or do anything that is clearly evil. Anything that is not loving others (harming the children or others), she would not have to obey BUT she must obey him in everything else.

Yes, she would have to work full time and put her children in daycare if he asks her to do this in submission to his leadership. Yes, she would willingly vaccinate her children if this is his will. She would put her children into public schools if this was her husband’s desire. She would not spank her children if he asked her to not spank. If he wants her to wear leggings and skirts above her knees, she would obey him. He is the one who will decide if she wears a covering on her head or not, what church they attend, where they will live, how to spend the money, etc. He is responsible for how he leads his family and she is responsible for submitting to his leadership. God is very clear about this! If she doesn’t like some of his decisions, she gives them to the Lord in prayer and allows Him to convict and change his mind if this is the Lord’s will.

If she wants to be a keeper at home and homeschool her children but her husband wants her to work full time, she lives carefully within his income and asks the Lord for daily strength and wisdom while she submits to her husband and works full time. If she must vaccinate her children because this is her husband’s desire, she feeds them as healthily as she can and gives them a lot of healthy probiotics like kefir to help keep their immune systems strong. She daily prays protection over her children whether they are in daycare, public school, or vaccinated. If they go to public school because this is what her husband wants, she reads the Bible and prays with them every morning before school and reminds them to clothe themselves with the full armor of the Lord daily. She continually teaches them the truth of God’s Word. If she can’t spank her children because her husband doesn’t want this, she is consistent in making them obey her even if it is time consuming and tedious. If he likes her to dress in clothing that she considers immodest, she wears it as modestly as she can but still pleases him. Remember, he will answer to God in how he leads her.

In all areas, she does her best to submit to him in everything, even the hard things that she disagrees with him about and in the areas that she doesn’t believe are biblical. Remember, we are told how a wife is to “win” her husband who is disobedient to the Word and it isn’t by disobeying him. No, it’s by living in subjection to him – obeying and submitting to his leadership (1 Peter 3:1-6) so she works hard to obey him in everything as long as it is not evil or harmful to others and prays daily that she will win him without the word. In the meantime, she finds her strength and joy in the Lord and doesn’t allow anything or anyone to steal her joy!

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
1 Peter 3:1, 2

“I just went to a wedding where the officiant talked about headship and submission. He told the groom that he was to love his wife unconditionally and sacrifice everything for her. He told the bride that submission did not mean she had to be a doormat and it did not mean her opinion didn’t count and it did not mean her husband was allowed to bully her. He said absolutely nothing about what submission really meant, only what it did not mean.

“This is also a problem with sermons about Ephesians 5 that spend 90% of the time talking about the husband’s responsibility, 9% about mutual submission, and 1% listing the things submission does NOT mean.”

Mitch made this comment on my post Why I Don’t Make a Disclaimer on Every Post About Submission. Can we ask ourselves why pastors and teachers of the word and even Focus on the Family are so afraid to teach about biblical submission? Has feminism impacted the Church so heavily that there are few preachers who teach the truth about a wife’s submission to her husband without softening it so much that it’s hardly recognizable and gives the wife many ways out of obeying her husband?

My husband married my youngest daughter and her husband four years ago. He laid out all of the biblical commands concerning biblical submission to his own daughter during the ceremony. It was great! Unfortunately at the reception, one man made statements against what Ken had said in the ceremony during his toast. It seems that almost everyone wants to water down what God has to say about it. They seem to fear women, instead of fearing God.

No, we don’t need to try to soften God’s Word and give all of the exceptions. This isn’t our job. It’s our job to speak the truth in love. Yes, wives are to live in submission to their husbands and be obedient to them. They are to submit in everything. They are to reverence their husbands and learn what pleases them. Let’s focus on doing this and see how many marriages improve instead of giving all of the exceptions and allowing women to be the decider of when to submit and when not to submit. (Of course, a wife should never submit to a husband who asks her to do evil or something that could harm herself or her children. God’s will always trumps man’s.)

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Ephesians 5:22-24