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Author: Lori Alexander

The Divorce Fantasy World

The Divorce Fantasy World

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“The kids are socially invisible. If they have a problem, we take them to therapy. We put them on medication. But we never admit that maybe the adults should have worked as hard on their marriages as they seem to work on managing their divorce. And we certainly never tell the adults not to remarry,” wrote Jennifer Roback Morse in her article Divorce Enablers: The Liberal Fantasy World is Wrecking Children’s Lives.

“In the Divorce Fantasy World, the children are all better off if their parents split than if they stay together. The children are delighted that their parents are happy. They have no ill-feelings about being asked to move every other week, a fate that few adults would willingly endure. Children are ok with calling their mom’s new husband, ‘dad’, or seeing their dad in bed with another woman. Children have no feelings at all about their family photos being taken down. They never feel jealous of the children of the new union, children who absorb the attention of their parent and new spouse. No, my goodness, no: the children from the original union never feel like leftovers from a previous relationship.

To keep the Fantasy alive, anyone who does not follow the Socially-Approved Divorce Script, must be silenced. This is bad enough for abandoned spouses. But for children of divorce, it is literally a nightmare.

The kids are socially invisible. If they have a problem, we take them to therapy. We put them on medication. But we never admit that maybe the adults should have worked as hard on their marriages as they seem to work on managing their divorce. And we certainly never tell the adults not to remarry.

The cultural elites love the Sexual Revolution and actively promote the Divorce Ideology. They provide a platform for happily-divorced people, jolly blended families and all the rest. They never mention the abandoned spouses or the shattered children. They need all this propaganda because that’s what it takes to convince people that biological bonds don’t matter either to children or adults.”

Why do you think I fight so hard to keep marriages together and even encourage Christian women to fight for their marriages? Nothing good comes from divorce. Nothing. Children live with scars the rest of their lives. I have seen couples divorce even after their children are raised and there is bitterness and scars the children and even grandchildren carry. Then I have seen my parents stick it out even though they weren’t happy together for most of their married lives but now they are deeply in love with each other and none of us nor my children or grandchildren have scars. Family gatherings are whole, complete, and full of laughter and fun.

This is a picture of my parents with my sisters and our husbands. 65 years + 36 years + 32 years + 30 years = abundant blessings to our family, our children and grandchildren, plus many others. (By the way, together we represent 163 years of covenant marriage!)

I will never encourage a Christian woman to divorce her husband because of the long-term pain it causes to so many. I have witnessed myself, heard first hand, or read about too many women who have won back their husbands in extremely difficult situations to not believe that with God all things are possible and why should a believing spouse be the one to divorce?

There is too much in Scripture that points to Christians staying faithful until the end. Now, if an unbelieving spouse divorces the believing spouse and marries another, then there is no hope of reconciliation but until that time, there’s hope.

A woman in the chat room wrote about her parent’s divorce: “My parents got a divorce when I was six. It was an amicable one. They cooperated. They got along. They never put us in the middle. They were mature. They were friendly. They did the divorce thing ‘right’ according to the standards of the day (my father later said that was totally my mother’s doing because she was so forgiving!). And guess what? It still left gaping scars in their children’s lives and hearts. I was in my twenties before I had truly recovered from the sense of abandonment and brokenness. It did shape the way I view marriage and family life, though: I’m all in.”

This is why women need to fight for their marriages by following God’s clear instructions to them in 1 Peter 3:1-6 if they have a husband who is disobedient to the Word. They need to continue living in subjection to him – what? Live in subjection to a disobedient husband? Yes, this is God’s method of using you to win back your husband! (No, you don’t submit to any type of abuse or evil which is clearly against God’s Word.)

Then be quiet. Live a quiet, humble life in front of him. Don’t preach, scold, quarrel, or be angry with him for “love bears all things, endures all things, and hopes all things.” Don’t speak evil about him but give all of your hurts and concerns to the Lord; for He has the power to convict and change your husband. For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers (1 Peter 3:12).

Find support from godly women. There are groups on Facebook of women who are standing for their marriages and finding support from each other. You don’t need to do this alone. (These are a few groups but I can’t vouch for how theologically correct they are: Standers United, The BTG Standing for Marriage, Rejoice Marriage Ministries, and Mend Our marriage.)

Finally, live a godly life. Be in His Word daily and hide it deeply in your heart so you won’t sin against Him. Meditate upon it. Memorize it. Listen to godly preachers and learn from them. Become like Christ to your husband and you are able since Christ lives inside of you and works mightily through you.

 But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear.
1 Peter 3:15

Leading Captive Silly Women

Leading Captive Silly Women

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In the last days, we are told that “perilous” times will come because of the increase of sin. We are seeing this in our own nation, sadly. People have become “lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God.” Then we are given a warning about what these sinful people will do:

For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts, Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. (2 Timothy 3:6, 7)

“And lead captive silly women; the coming of antichrist is after the working of Satan; as Satan attacked the woman, and not the man, and beguiled Eve and not Adam, so these his instruments and emissaries, work themselves into the affections of the weaker vessel, and into the weaker sort of women, as the diminutive word here used signifies; and gain upon them, instill their principles into them, attach them to their interests, captivate them to them, and lead them as they please:”

Yes, we are the weaker vessel and are more easily deceived. Most women who call themselves Christians are not sound in doctrine. They don’t know the Word of God. They don’t “study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth” (2 Timothy 2:15). Instead of listening to biblically accurate male preachers/teachers/writers, they listen and learn from other women who teach them things that aren’t scriptural.

These silly women also watch godless shows on the television and bring evil into their homes. They don’t believe that “bad company corrupts good morals” as their good morals become corrupted by the ways of the world. Silly women, they hate those who teach truth and mock and bully them, instead of listening and learning the ways of the Lord.

“…laden with sins; covered with them, full of them, and so ready to receive any set of principles that would encourage them to continue in them; or else were pressed down with a sense of them, their consciences being awakened, and they under some concern on account of them, and so fit persons for such deceivers to gain upon, by pretending to great sanctity and religion, and by providing them with pardons and indulgences, and putting them upon penance, &c. though the former sense seems most agreeable, and is confirmed by what follows,”

What was once known as sinful, they now openly celebrate and try to force others to believe the same, thus leading them astray. They are foolish women who are tearing their homes down with their own hands. They fail to stand as guards in their homes from the attacks of the enemy but allow him full access into their homes instead. Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof (2 Timothy 3:5). There is no fruit of the Spirit in their lives even though they speak about how spiritual they are to others.

“…led away with divers lusts. The Alexandrian copy adds, ‘and pleasures’; that is, sinful ones; though this may be understood, not of unclean lusts, but of the itch and desire after new teachers, and new doctrines, and practices, which prevail in weak women, and by which they are governed and led away.” (Gill’s Exposition)

And they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables (2 Timothy 4:4).

Don’t be a silly, women. Don’t follow “new” teachers with “new” doctrines because they heard a “new and improved” word from the Lord. Be a like a Berean who searches the living and active Word to make sure that what you are learning and who you are learning from lines up with the pure wisdom of the Bible. Hide God’s Word deeply in your heart so that you won’t sin against Him and be easily led astray.

But continue thou in the things which thou hast learned and hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast learned them;

And that from a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.

All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:

 That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.
2 Timothy 3:14-17

Having a Heart for Service

Having a Heart for Service

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Last Friday night, we had an early Father’s Day dinner at my sister’s home. She fixed a delicious salad and ordered some pizza from a healthy pizza place that ferments their crust. (It’s great!) When we got there, she told all of us wives that we were going to serve our husbands first, so we each loaded up a plate of salad and pizza for our husbands.

I watched my sister that night. She noticed when her husband’s plate was getting empty and jumped up to get him more. If his drink was running out, she jumped up to get him more. She kept an eye on him to make sure he was happy and satisfied.

We ran into her and her husband on our walk at the beach the next day. I asked her what she was doing this weekend and she told me she had told her husband that she was going to do anything he wanted to do and fix whatever food he wanted to eat. She knows how to serve her husband and make him happy.

As we were all talking around her family room after eating, she said her happy place is in her home. She loves cooking and feeding people. Every morning, she and her husband sit in their family room and have coffee and devotions together. When he gets home at night, she makes sure a hearty meal is waiting for him. She knows he likes the home clean and tidy, so she’s always kept it clean and tidy.

She couldn’t wait for her children to grow up to have an empty nest with her husband. She brings so much joy and fun to his life. From the beginning of their marriage, he let her know that she wasn’t going to boss him around and as she has grown in the wisdom and the knowledge of the Lord, she has grown to be the kind of wife the Lord requires.

Her husband and home have always been her priority. This is the way it should be for all of us. It’s few husbands who would want to leave a wife who are treated by their wives the way my sister treats her husband. She knows what he prefers so she tries to please him in this area. Make sure your husband is a priority since you were created for him.

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
Genesis 2:18

Dealing with Unruly, Vain Talkers, and Deceivers

Dealing with Unruly, Vain Talkers, and Deceivers

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Yesterday in the early morning, my handwritten page at the bottom of this post was published on accident on my Facebook page. I woke up to find many encouraging comments. Then I sat down to read Titus chapter one in my Bible. As I read it, it all became clear to me. Imagine that, God spoke to me through His Word! (This is how He speaks to all of us, by the way.)

There are many who hate what I write, as I am sure most of you know. Yes, I have many detractors and sometimes I will respond to their contentious comments and others will tell me that I am not kind when doing so. At times, I wonder why they want to spend so much time writing about and against me on their evil sites where all they do is gossip and slander those they hate. In Titus, I found all of my answers!

For there are many unruly and vain talkers and deceivers…Whose mouths must be stopped, who subvert whole houses, teaching things which they ought not…but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled. They profess that they know God; but in works they deny him, being abominable, and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate.

How does God tell us to respond to these people? “Wherefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith.” If I respond to them at all, yes, I rebuke them sharply because I know they are wrong, have evil intent, and hate the ways of the Lord. But I don’t do this often because it will then take away from what I am trying to teach and instead the lies they are writing may lead others astray from the simplicity which is in Christ: “Whose mouths must be stopped, who subvert whole houses, teaching things which they ought not.”

I have been scolded by a few women who tell me that I must speak to them kindly and in love. Speaking the truth in love rarely comes across as kind or loving to those who hate the truth. For one thing, truth sounds mean and harsh to them but speaking truth to them is the most loving thing that I can do in hopes that the Lord will plant some seeds in their souls that may one day sprout into repentance and belief in Almighty God.

These vain talkers will scold me for not being open to ways that are contrary to the Bible and continue to badger me telling me that I hate women, teach dangerous things, and am a cult. Often, the reason I don’t rebuke them is because when I do, instead of quoting scripture to tell me where I am wrong, they will attack me personally. If they can’t back up their arguments with truth, they attack the messenger and this is fruitless.

Therefore, I am quick with my delete, ban, and hide button on Facebook. As I have mentioned before, I am not going to allow them to poop on my Facebook page, Instagram, YouTube, or blog. No, these aren’t open forums as they try to convince me; my blog is a teaching blog and I don’t want those who hate the truth to draw others away. I pray that they will one day repent since God’s Word doesn’t come back void, but it’s not my duty to allow them a “voice” on my stuff.

I have seen godly men and women shut down their blogs because of vain talkers. What I have noticed is these godly bloggers allow every and all comments to remain on their blogs and/or Facebook page, even the cruel and heartless ones. We are commanded to dwell on the lovely and the good, thus when we dwell on the bad and mean, we are disheartened and quit.

Therefore, my encouragement to all of you who have blogs is to be diligent about what you allow on your blog, Facebook page, Instagram, etc. I have NO problem deleting, banning, and hiding comments if they are not beneficial in any way but only used to scold and belittle. Their entire purpose is to kill, steal, and destroy, just as it is Satan’s so don’t give up; for greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.

Mark them which cause divisions and offenses contrary to the doctrine which you have learned and avoid them.
Romans 16:17

Seek Those Things Which are Above

Seek Those Things Which are Above

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Written By Ray Ortlund

Think about your resurrection in Christ.

First, let’s illustrate it this way. When God created the world, He created it with history already built in. The stars, and also the light from the stars – that light that takes thousands of light-years to get to earth – everything was created in one act. God created it “old.”

When He created man, He created him, too, with history already built in. Adam was created a full adult; he didn’t go through the process of growing up. He was made in an instant with an age factor already built in.

When you were born again, you were placed into Christ, and the history of Christ was accounted, was credited, to you. You were given the advantages of His history, so that the experiences Christ Himself went through are now yours as well.

That’s what Colossians 3 says; now live like it!

If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory. (Colossians 3:1-4)

“Seek those things which are above,” “set your affection on things above.” Bishop Lightfoot comments, “You must not only seek heaven, you must also think heaven.”

Sometimes we, if a problem comes along, say to each other, “Keep looking down!” It always brings a chuckle. If we were to say “keep looking up,” we’d be indicating we’re in the pits. But what we’re doing is reminding each other of our exalted position in the heavenlies in Christ – and everything immediately looks better.

 

The Destructive Nature of Peaceful Parenting

The Destructive Nature of Peaceful Parenting

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No one would say that children are better behaved than they were generations ago when parents weren’t afraid to discipline their children and say “no” to them. Now, there are a bunch of entitled adults running around acting as if the world revolves around them and feeling entitled to having anything they want when they want.

A man who believes that “peaceful parenting” is the best way to raise his son wrote this on Facebook:

“I have no interest in raising my son to be obedient or compliant with my demands.

What I am interested in is his well-being.

Therefore, the questions I ask myself are things like: Is he happy? Is he feeling connected with me? Is he satisfied with life?

The questions I don’t ask are: How do I get him to behave? Why doesn’t he listen to me? How can I stop his whining or, how do I just make him leave me alone?

And when that kind of contentious attitude comes up in myself, I don’t try to fix him or change his behavior as the solution.

Instead, I look within myself to see where it is that I need the attitude adjustment.

It’s always that way.

Peaceful parenting is all about a change in our own attitude and behavior, not trying to change our children’s attitude and behavior.

When we adults learn to change our attitude first, is when everything else works out with our children. As simplistic as that may sound, it is the way it works.

What we are really after is our own inner peace, our own inner wisdom and our own well being, and from that place of wholeness, we are then better able to take care of our children, lovingly, peacefully, joyously.”

He has decided to be a friend to his child instead of parent him, sadly. Here are responses to him from the wise women in the chat room:

Verna: “It sounds like he will be raising a selfish person who expects everyone to cater to them. Which is not how I want my children to behave. Furthermore, this child will likely have problems obeying and surrendering his will to God, since it wasn’t a concept available to him as a child. I would be very concerned for his soul.”

Sarah: “Honestly, I feel teaching your children how to mind and be obedient/compliant IS in their best interest and for their well-being.”

Lindsay: “It is in the best interest of children to obey their parents. Children don’t know what is best for them. That’s why God gave them parents to make decisions for them and to train them in what is right.

There are certainly times that we parents need to change our own behavior and attitudes. We are imperfect, after all. But if we approach every conflict with our child as if we are the ones who need to change, we are simply incorrect. Children are not born perfect. We shouldn’t treat them as if they are. They need parents to train and guide them, not to worship them as if they are little gods.

Treating children as if they are correct and we are the ones who are wrong is basically worship of the children and is not only misguided, but not good for the child either. A child who grows up worshiped by his parents will have no respect for others and will be dependent on others to stroke his ego. This makes for very unhappy children who also are not inclined to obey or worship God because they think they are the ones worthy of worship.

If you want your children to grow up to be happy, healthy, well-balanced, and properly understand their relationship to the world and to God, you must train them and discipline them, not treat yourself as the problem that needs to be fixed.”

Samantha: “This kind of parenting leads to spoiled rotten brats that have no respect for anyone or anything in my opinion. I am appalled at some of the behavior some parents allow their children. When my husband and I were waiting on a table at the Olive garden there were four boys with their parents and all four were just yelling at the top of their lungs and the mother just gave them a pouty face and never once told them to be quiet. I get complimented quite a bit by how well behaved my kids are when eating out. I would of pulled my hair out years ago if I had allowed my kids to act like that.”

Brooke: “I feel like a lot of this parenting is a direct result of the first generation of real daycare kids now becoming parents. So many people in my generation have been left with gaping holes in their heart and development because they were raised by daycare while both parents worked full time. They KNOW something was missing from their life, and they often don’t want to blame their parents, so they think if they do something different than how they were raised, their children won’t have this emptiness they feel.

This happens at the same time as my generation was raised during the evolutionary boom of technology. Instead of searching within themselves and identifying the problem, it’s easy to go online and find ‘studies’ to prove how things should be done differently. You can support any side of an argument off the Internet, but that doesn’t mean any of them are correct.

A generation of parents were dropped off at six weeks old to be raised by the industry. Then sent to school and overwhelmed with extra curricular activities so they weren’t considered ‘latch key’ and those whose mothers were too busy working the feminist agenda to care for them. Now feeling sad, hurt, neglected and empty and trying to raise their own children without the same hurt they experienced.”

Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.
Proverbs 19:18

One Long Temper Tantrum

One Long Temper Tantrum

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Written By Ken

These past few years as Lori has been blogging she gets men who write looking for help with their difficult wives and she asks me if I can help. One of the things I have discovered is that although the behavior of these wives shows various levels of disdain for their husbands, the root of the contempt is often hurts from their past that get triggered leading to one long temper tantrum against their husbands lasting weeks, months, and for some years.

Bitterness is an evil pill to swallow because once it gets its roots into the life of a person it will grab a hold of many unrelated justifications that make it nearly impossible for any counselor to unravel the twisted thoughts of their minds. There is hope to remove the bitterness from one’s life and it is as simple as letting it go. Note that I did not say it was easy, but I did say it was simple. There is no magic pill that can be swallowed, nor a hundred counseling sessions that can do what an honest heart can choose to do at any moment and let it go. Any one of us can take our thoughts captive by grabbing a hold of the negative thoughts we are thinking and place them on the cross for Christ to heal. It begins by acknowledging the truth about oneself and one’s bitterness. Admit: 

“I am bitter towards my spouse. I keep making excuses why I am not kind, why I do not desire intimacy and why I keep him/her at a distance from me, but the real problem lies in my heart. I am bitter towards my husband/wife, and worse than that, I have come to enjoy holding onto my bitterness and do not want to let it go. I have been hurt in the past and I want him/her to hurt with me. I am not living according to God’s will in my life and God’s Spirit has been quenched for a long time. I need to pluck out the root of bitterness from my heart and mind and hand it over to Jesus who can heal me of my sins. They may have at one time been sins committed against me, but they are now all mine.”

It’s that simple. To release oneself from the bondage of bitterness one must let it go and give it to the Lord. We are told that “the LORD searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever.” He knows what is in our hearts already. He knows our fears, our desires, our hurts and our pains. He knows every single thing about us, and yet some think they can compartmentalize their lives and hold onto both Jesus and bitterness at the same time. Be careful that you not become the end of the promise and be rejected by God forever.

The men I am presently coaching are married to wives who profess to be Christians and yet to watch their wives’ hateful behavior toward their husbands one can find no fruit in their marriage, except for the innocent children caught in the crossfires. The way these wives treat their husbands would not be fit for any marriage, let alone a Christian one. 

One in particular is so messed up by her bitterness that she is constantly lashing out at him and he can do nothing right. If you were to trace the root of the bitterness back it is mainly found in her childhood relationship with an angry Dad, but certainly she feels she deserves a better spot in life as finances are short and the fruit of her own labor scarce. Working 2-3 jobs with long 60 hour weeks, this poor husband comes home to a disaster of a home, nothing picked up or vacuumed, no food on the table and dishes everywhere. If he says anything about it, he is lucky if he just gets an argument or snide remark as he regularly gets a profanity-laced tongue lashing with one irrational comment after another. One moment she says she hates him and at other times she begs for his help. She is unwilling to see her own stubborn bitterness as what is destroying her life and her marriage.

And as you can guess, intimacy is rarely shared anymore in these homes, with one poor soul not even able to touch his wife or hug her without her getting all upset if he touches her with kindness. Here is a good looking, kind, thoughtful and most of all a godly guy, who has set about for over a year to try and win a marriage back. He has paid for a years’ worth of couple counseling and all he has to show for it is a wife who tells him he is “rushing things” no matter how he tries to connect with her. She has this warped idea that somehow he is being controlling when he asks her to be a wife to him and have food on the table at least a few evenings a week, and sex once or twice a month. His counselor says he needs to be patient and she acknowledges his efforts. She cannot define her needs or put them in writing, he is just told to be patient as she treats him like an island in his own home.

What we are witnessing is God’s Word on the matter that says bitterness makes people into fools, corrosively defiling them and those around them:  

Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools. (Ecclesiastes 7:9)

See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.
(Hebrews 12:15)

These are most miserable women and they all share one unique characteristic of an unwillingness to let go of their bitterness. And what we are seeing in these marriages is exactly what the Pearls have said they see. Once the bitterness takes root, these women are then moving into mental/emotional diseases.

Got Questions has a good summary on the subject:  “In its figurative sense bitterness refers to a mental or emotional state that corrodes or “eats away at.” Bitterness can affect one experiencing profound grief or anything which acts on the mind in the way poison acts on the body. Bitterness is that state of mind which willfully holds on to angry feelings, ready to take offense, able to break out in anger at any moment. The foremost danger in succumbing to bitterness and allowing it to rule our hearts is that it is a spirit that refuses reconciliation.”

When I begin coaching husbands with difficult wives I am always hopeful that their Christian marriage will find a way to move forward into healthy patterns. The beginning of the process is to first be sure that you, as the husband, are not the problem but instead trying to be loving, respectful and considerate towards their wives while making few requests of them.

Be kind, gentle, smiling, and enjoyable.

Never lash out or do anything that is unchristian in your home towards her.

Talk to your wife in an honest and inquisitive way, asking her if there are three things that you could change that would significantly improve your marriage and make a difference about the way she sees in you, what would they be, then go about trying to do those things as best you can the next month or two to see how it helps.

Make no demands of her; help around the house; do anything and everything to see if you are the problem. At times, this works to unlock a difficult wife or one upset over the relationship. But if bitterness is at the root of the problem, no matter what you do she will twist and turn it to make you into her punching bag because she needs you to be upset with her so she can justify staying in her box of bitterness. 

Yes, it’s all backwards from what God’s Word says with the husband almost taking on a wife’s role, but hey, if Jesus can give up His throne for a little while to come live among sinful men, and show them how perfectly one can live, then a husband who loves his wife can, for a time, do anything and everything in his power to show her that he indeed loves her and wants to make a healthy marriage with her. For that matter, many wives have never been modeled what true service and love looks like, so showing them what they can and should do for you is not a bad way to help move a marriage forward.

Unfortunately, when a wife is trapped in her box of bitterness and cannot get out, all that happens when a husband loves her more and serves her seems to be a short period of peace with a self-righteous woman. Then the accusations, foul language and slander begin again and it becomes unbearable at times. Along side the light of a husband’s true love a bitter wife’s meanness is exposed to the light and she has a choice to let it go, or hold on more tightly. If these were women receiving the snide remarks and behavior these wives give to their husbands we would have many crying “Abuse! Abuse!” And it certainly does border on mental/emotional abuse with these guys leaning on the Lord to pick them up and keep them on their journey to try and be Jesus to their broken wives.

No matter how kind, how loving and considerate these guys will be, the bitterness their wives defiles them and their families day in and day out. We are watching them sink more and more into mental and emotional illness until a perfectly healthy woman will get a label of disease put upon her; BPD, Bipolar, Depression. You bet! For you cannot for long periods of time allow the corrosive effects of bitterness to stay in your heart and mind without it remapping the brain to a point where it no longer accepts logic or love as answers.

Worse yet, how can the Spirit of God work within a person who refuses to give up her bitterness, but prefers to wallow in it? One cannot violate their own stated values day in and day out without becoming very messed up mentally and emotionally. Strangely some are so sure they are good Christian people and can go regularly to Bible Study, post wonderful things about the Lord on-line, some even in Lori’s Chat Room, yet they live in a marriage where they treat their husbands worse than their dog. And sadly, this is no exaggeration.

Pastors are impotent in these circumstances with no time for the “he said, she said” stories trying to figure out the truth. These people are very sick, and I do not know how many of them there are across our country attending the local church each Sunday with their husbands, but Jesus calls them hypocrites, “whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness” (Matt 23:27).

Such hypocrisy is not exclusive to wives as there are husbands doing the same things; bitter, angry, aloof, and withholding intimacy and affection from a poor starving soul who all they wanted was a real marriage. Bitterness is not exclusive to women, but it does seem that once a woman grabs a hold of it, it is much harder for her to release it than a man.

So what is the answer and where do these Christians go from here? The answer lies in doing things God’s ways and allowing His Spirit into the closed box of bitterness that is the root of the problem. The person must let it go in an instant and hand it to God to heal the wounds, many of which may be self-inflicted. Perhaps the entire prescription is here where God says to:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, so that in due time He may exalt you. Cast your cares upon Him, because He cares for you. Be sober-minded and alert. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:6-8)

When sin has taken such long-term root the solution begins with humility and acknowledging our sin to ourselves, our God and those we have harmed. We must cast all of our cares on Jesus, and let him have the whole box of bitter root that is defiling us.

Please Christian, if you think that your unforgiving heart is not being corroded away by bitterness, think again. That devil is out to mangle your mind and he is doing so in thousands of Christian households today in spouses who are refusing to give up their anger and bitterness. Are you angry over something with your spouse today?

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. (Mark 11:25)

Go to your spouse and with humility ask for forgiveness for your part of the messed-up marriage, even if he/she has fault. You cannot change them, but you can allow God to change your heart so that your bitter suffering will end.

Then have them do what all must do in any relationship as we are going up into Christ: We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).

It is your thought life that is the root of the problem as the lies of Satan are propped up by all your arguments and justifications. Only when we stop justifying our sinful behavior and see it as it is, ugly sin, will be ever be able to get out of our bitter box and not be pushed back in. That devil will tempt you the very next hour, next day or next week with some major blow up where you will want to run back to your bitterness and get entangled again with sin. You can say “NO!” to sin and “YES!” to righteousness, taking every though captive that tries to point you back to bitterness against your spouse. You don’t have to go explore your past, but you must be committed to a future without your corrosive negatively.

Once out of the bitterness, and having laid it aside, I propose something perhaps radical to you, but it gets to the heart of the matter. We can simply decide one day to give up our bitterness, but we need help and accountability from those who love us to keep us from returning to it. After we have tearfully begged for forgiveness from those who we have defiled we must by true repentance show them that we are no longer bitter by going out of our way to smile and be joyful around them. We must find ways to serve them and prove that we are now on their side. If you sit back and do not take any different path, you will never heal the heart of others you have defiled.

The greatest change will take place not the first time you ask for forgiveness, but when you go back again the next day, the next week and the next month to say, “Hey, I really am sorry about the things I did to you and I do need you to forgive me. Tell me how can I help you with some housework as my consequences;” or “Can I give you the best sex of your life to show you how much I appreciate you standing by me all those difficult years?” Yes, these would be the two best ways to show a a wife or husband that you love them and feel great remorse for the pain you put them through. After all, there really should be consequences when we treat our spouse so cruelly, especially for so long. Call it penance, which God does not require, but others often do want to see it to understand that your new found life is for real.

Please pray for the husbands who I am coaching. There are four of them now who are really hurting and wondering why they are staying with their rebellious wives, except for their commitment to love God and do things His ways, not wanting to leave their children in the hands of messed of moms. May the Spirit touch these wives and convict them so that they may repent. Only then may they find the love and blessings of their hearts being met by God through loving their husbands. No longer their enemy, but now their lifelong friend.  

I am grateful that Lori, although being difficult with me for years, never allowed bitterness in her life. It would have been easy for her to justify as health issues and a husband seeking success made for a hard life. Not all difficult wives are bitter, but if they are not careful, any real or perceived imperfection in a husband can take root and destroy a relationship, and in turn their whole lives. Decide never to let that be you, for bitterness is exceedingly ugly and sinful.

It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a large house.
Proverbs 21:9

Wifely Submission as it is Fit in the Lord

Wifely Submission as it is Fit in the Lord

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“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord” (Colossians 3:18). I love reading and studying the Word every morning. Something new always gets my attention and yesterday morning “as it is fit in the Lord” popped out at me so I looked to see what Gill’s Exposition of the Entire Bible had to say about this phrase. (You can’t imagine, well yes you can, how much women fight us on this biblical concept!)

“…as it is fit in the Lord; that is, Christ, as the Syriac version reads it. Subjection of wives to their own husbands is ‘fit’ and proper in its own nature, by reason of the original creation of man, and of the woman from him: man was made first, and then the woman; and the woman was made out of the man, out of one of his ribs; and so, though not to be trampled under his feet, but to be by his side, and an help meet to him, yet not to be head, or to rule over him.”

I love this! There is so much in creation that shows the clear order between men and women. Man was made first for a reason. God created man in His own image (So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him – Genesis 1:27) and then saw that man needed a help meet, not an equal (meaning same) but someone who could help him in life by making his life better, easier, and more enjoyable. Do you make your husband’s life better, easier, and more enjoyable? Women were not created to be the head over men or rule them. It’s out of God’s created order and is not fit in the Lord, so it will never produce good fruit.

“Moreover, the woman was made for the man, and not the man for the woman; add to this, that the woman was in the transgression, and the means of the fall of man, which gave a fresh reason for, and made the obligation to subjection to him the stronger:”

Women are more easily deceived. This is a fact. Car salesmen or any salesmen are happier when trying to sell to a woman than a man. Who do you think are buying all those gadgets on the TV advertisements? “Women buy more than 80 percent of all U.S. goods and services.“  Wise women know that they are more easily deceived, therefore, they should want to be in subjection to their husbands who are not as easily deceived. This is for their protection!

“…and it is also a ‘decent’ and becoming thing for wives to be subject to their husbands; for as it is giving honour to them, it is a real ornament to themselves, and is one of those good works which women professing godliness should adorn themselves with; and makes more comely and beautiful than broidered hair; gold, pearls, or costly array, yea, than their natural favour and beauty:”

Do you want to be known as a holy woman? Do you want others to know that you love the Lord and can clearly see His work in you? Did you know that by being subject to your husband you are adorning yourself and making your husband look good in the eyes of others? For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands (1 Peter 3:5). This is what makes a woman lovely not only to her husband but to others.

I have seen elaborately decorated woman who were rebellious to their husbands and all of their finery didn’t profit them at all. Then there are women like Debi Pearl who doesn’t wear makeup or finery yet is beautiful in the way that she is submissive to her husband. I have met her and she is a joyful woman who delights in pleasing her husband. I am sure all of you have seen women like this. They respectfully listen when their husbands talk without interrupting. They smile at them often. They praise them and are affectionate with them.

Then there are women who rolls their eyes when their husband’s talk, interrupts and corrects them, and shows disdain for their husbands. You can clearly see who the truly beautiful woman is between these two types of women. Do you adorn yourself and bring honor to your husband by being in subjection to him?

“…it is what is fitting ‘in the Lord’: it is what he requires, not only what the law of God requires, see 1 Corinthians 14:34 and which was enjoined originally, see Genesis 3:16 and was charged as a duty under the legal dispensation; but is what is commanded by Christ under the Gospel dispensation, and is to be observed by all those that are ‘in’ him, that profess to be new creatures, converted persons, that so the word of God be not blasphemed, and the enemy have no occasion to reproach.”

Do you understand what Christ has done for you? If not, study Romans and learn, then decide to live lives worthy of Him. If you are a believer in Christ Jesus, you are in Him and new creatures in Christ. God requires you, as His child, to live in subjection to your husband. If you are not living wholeheartedly in subjection to your husband, you are acting evil against the Word of God. You are showing to a lost world that God is powerless to transform His children. You are pushing others away from knowing the Lord instead of drawing them towards Him. We are to shine the light of Christ to others and one way we do this, women, is by living in subjection to our husbands in everything.

“…see Titus 2:5 though this phrase may also be considered as a restriction and limitation of this subjection; that though it reaches to all things, yet only to such as are agreeable to the will of the Lord, and not contrary to the Gospel of Christ; for in these they are not to be subject to them, but to Christ the Lord; but in all other things they are, even as the church is subject to Christ: and when this is the case, such subjection is regarded by Christ as if it was done to himself; and indeed his honour and glory should be the governing view in it; see Ephesians 5:22.”

I am not sure how Titus 2:5 shows a restriction to our subjection to our husbands but yes, if they ask us to participate in evil which is clearly against the Word of God, we are not to participate since Christ is our ultimate authority, although I can tell you that in the thirteen years I have been mentoring women not one woman has told me that her husband has commanded her to do evil.

One woman in the chat room has a husband who wants her to buy him beer and she doesn’t want to do this but I told her she must since buying beer isn’t evil. If he had asked her to watch porn with him, rob a bank, or get into a car when he is drunk and wants to drive, then she can refuse but make sure that she is obeying him in everything else. Look at Sarah, she even obeyed Abraham twice when he told her to lie and say she was his sister, then she was put into the Kings’ harem!

The majority of husbands aren’t asking their wives to commit evil. They would like a clean and tidy home, yummy meals to be served, their children to be disciplined and trained, their wives to look pretty, be treated with kindness and respect, and enjoy having sexual relations with them. This is what most husbands would love from their wives. So instead of focusing on all the things you shouldn’t submit to your husband, as many love to do these days, focus on all the ways you should be submitting to your husband in everything instead.

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Ephesians 5:24

Ramblings on Affairs and Divorce

Ramblings on Affairs and Divorce

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Affairs and divorce seem to be common among Christians these days and I have some ramblings I want to share with you about them. In order to do this, I am going to tell a fake story with fake names but with many truthful facts that are happening in couples we know personally.

Sue and Jim have been married for fifteen years. They have four children ages six, eight, ten, and twelve. Sue is a stay-at-home wife. She is a rebellious wife. She doesn’t keep the home clean. She doesn’t fix Jim meals after he gets home from working ten hard hours at work trying to provide a living for his family. She doesn’t do his laundry. She hasn’t given him sex for six years, since the last child was conceived. She uses foul language often and is a very bitter woman towards Jim.

Jim tries to do what he can to make her happy but to no avail. He is being mentored by godly men and still nothing ever seems to improve. Things just continue to get worse. There’s a kind woman at his work who he’s been getting to know. She encourages him and they enjoy each other. They finally begin having an affair.

About six months later, Sue finds out about the affair and divorces Jim. She takes half of what he owns and lets everyone know what a horrible husband he was for having an affair and being a covenantbreaker. All of their friends feel so badly for Sue and comfort her and give Jim a cold shoulder.

Now, I want you to be honest with me? Who was at the most fault for the destruction of this marriage? Yes, they both sinned against each other but according to our culture, Jim was far worse than Sue since he had an affair and according to Jesus, adultery is a reason for divorce. But Jesus also said that if a man lusts after another woman, he commits adultery in his heart. Therefore, if a man lusts after a woman, his wife can divorce him because he committed adultery in his heart and adultery is a reason for divorce.

If this reasoning stands and Christians believe it to be so, then all wives can divorce their husbands because, most likely, all men have lusted after a woman who is not their wife at one time or another. Here’s the conversation Jesus had with the Pharisees about divorce from Matthew 19:

3 The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?

4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,

5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

7 They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?

8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.

9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

There’s no command there from Jesus to divorce. In fact, he stated that divorce was only given because of the “hardness of your hearts” and “what therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” Look at the book of Hosea; it is an example of Christ being faithful to His Bride even during her unfaithfulness to Him.

What am I trying to get at here? I believe that Sue was every bit as guilty, if not more, in tearing her marriage apart. She refused to submit to her husband’s leadership, she failed to be available sexually, and she failed to love, for love is patient and kind. No, it doesn’t excuse Jim for having an affair but most women who divorce their husbands because their husbands had an affair fail to give any explanation of how they were as a wife. Were they available as a help meet to their husband? Were they submissive and kind to him? Did they learn what pleased him? Did they follow their husband’s leadership as head of their home or were they so busy doing their own thing (in the name of ministry) that they failed to minister to their husband as a priority?

When I mentor women, the first thing most of them do is tell me how horrible their husbands are but then I ask them how they are as a wife? Without fail, there are many things they are doing wrong, too. It almost always takes two to destroy a marriage in the end and neither party is blameless.

This is all I wanted to say. I hate divorce. God hates divorce. It’s so destructive not only for the children but for culture and the name of Christ, too. I don’t like seeing these famous “Christian” women bloggers/preachers/teachers telling us about divorcing their husbands because their husbands had affairs, yet fail to say anything they did to tear down their marriage. They easily expose all of their husbands’ sins but none of their own and I seriously doubt they are completely innocent, then everyone feels so badly for the women and expresses what a jerk their husbands were. It all seems wrong to me, when yes, adultery is wrong, but there is more blame to go around than just on the husbands who had an affair.

At least, be honest about what really happened, give no details at all, or best of all, try to win back their husbands by practicing 1 Peter 3:1-6, for love bears all things, believes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. Aren’t Christians supposed to be different? Aren’t we supposed to have strong marriages that are examples to a lost world of Christ’s forgiveness and His unending and enduring love for His Church?

The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:39

Does Your Church Encourage Child Bearing?

Does Your Church Encourage Child Bearing?

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Churches today seem to have lost their desire for children and no longer encourage their members to have children which is sad since God tells us that children are blessings from Him. One woman asked the women in the chat room if any of our churches encourage child bearing.

Lindsay Harold responded, “Our church has a lot of families with several kids, but rarely have I heard a pastor encourage families to have more children and I certainly never heard them say that having more children is a way to spread the gospel (except for my dad). It’s so sad that this important aspect of winning the world to Christ is so neglected. We aren’t told only to make converts, but to make disciples. This involves both making converts who become disciples and literally making disciples by having children. The church should be growing biologically, too.”

In my 58 years of attending church, I have never heard a pastor from the pulpit encourage couples to have children. Bearing children isn’t easy. It’s not gratifying to our fleshly pleasures. No, most of us are sick when we are pregnant. We are also very uncomfortable most of the time. Childbirth is extremely painful and scary, then comes the hard part of raising them by training, disciplining, and teaching them. Yes, it takes a lot of time, energy, money, and sacrifice to have children, but it is what God calls us to do.

In his book Adopted for Life, Russell Moore says that “Satan hates children and always has. History would say the same. In Scripture alone, we see the slaughter of the infants in Pharaoh’s Egypt and Herod’s Bethlehem. Every time the demonic powers forcefully oppose Jesus, ‘babies are caught in the crossfire.'” Who do you believe is the author of abortion, birth control, and all of the other harm that comes to children? Surely, not the Lord Most High.

There is a war on children, and we are all, in one way or another, playing some role in it. Every time we move forward as faithful parents (or care for kids in any capacity, including advocating for the voiceless not-yet-born, and volunteering for nursery duty on Sundays), we are wrestling demons — because there is little the demons hate more than little children.”

Then there is this view from Jessica Loewen Mason:

“A concerning new and popular trend in the Christian community. ‘Put off having children so you can focus all your efforts on spreading the gospel.’ Which family depiction below will have more influence in the world for Christ!? Parents of big families shoot their Godly arrows into society at multiple levels and impact the world for generations.”

Thankfully, we, as believers, can take heart because Christ has overcome the demons and their master that Russel Moore wrote about! We can bear and raise children for the Lord but we must be finding our strength and wisdom from His Word. If you’re afraid of bringing children them into this depraved culture, remember that Jesus called the generation He was walking among a “wicked and adulterous generation” (Matthew 16:4) and the Apostle Paul called it a “crooked and perverse nation” (Philippians 2:15) so nothing has changed!

Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.
Deuteronomy 31:6