The Transformed Wife

Written by Trey 

It is possible for a Christian man to train himself and his eyes to not look at and lust after another woman but I will tell you the best way that a wife can help her husband to win in this never ending battle. By being obedient to scripture, she actually can make it easy for him to not be tempted to look at and lust after other women. If she is disobedient to the scripture, she makes it much more difficult for him to win this battle. Wives, you were created to be a helper suitable for your husband. Here is one of the primary ways that you were created to help him.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 – The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Proverbs 5:18-19 – May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

A wife should absolutely make it one of her highest priorities to keep her husband 100% sexually satisfied at all times. She should do this by visually pleasing him (your husband takes pleasure in seeing you in various states from all the way clothed to completely naked and every way in between), physically satisfying him (sex in all of its lawful forms), and emotionally nourishing him (your arousal, participation and response). All of these are critical. Your husband should sexually want for absolutely NOTHING…. ever, as long as you are not Providentially deterred (injury, sickness, etc.).

By doing this, you will make winning this battle (against lust) for your husband infinitely easier (almost effortless in most cases). Failing to do your “duty,” will make your husband’s life much more difficult (miserable) and he will be unnecessarily forced to (wastefully) expend energy to win the (never ending) battle against lust that he could be (gainfully) spending on other things, like serving the Lord, ministering to others and loving, caring for and nourishing you and your children.

Wives, you hold the keys to so many of the riches and blessings that can come from a Godly marriage if you will just choose to be obedient and do it.

Ken’s additional comments on this subject:

Trey is speaking of an important Biblical truth that has been lost in many Christian marriages. Regular intimacy two to three times a week is God’s prescription to vaccinate a marriage against infidelity and porn. The gift of a sex drive that God has been given to create closeness between husband and wife is often trampled upon by long hours at work, stress, and the challenges of every day life. For this reason, the spouse who wants sex needs to say so, and the other spouse oblige in as timely a manner as possible, just as God has proscribed.

If a spouse is withholding regular sex, they are living in sin and selfishness; barring injury, sickness or extraordinary circumstance. I am not talking about the occasional headache or “not now honey,” but the regular denial of sex that violates one’s wedding vows to love and serve the other. It’s easy to mistake that such sins only affect the bedroom when in reality they affect all of a marriage and family life. It is true that each spouse must own their own sin, and withholding of sex can never be justification for the sins of fornication by the offended spouse.

But when Christian couples are not doing things God’s ways, Satan can take the stronghold and wreak havoc on a marriage and in turn the entire family. How many children are gravely harmed by a mother who refused to love dad the way she promised she would on her wedding day, or dad who felt betrayed seeking sex elsewhere, only to find that the fleeting moments of sex has destroyed his family?

Thank you, Lord, that even in the midst of our disobedience to the Word, you beckon us to quickly return to your will and ways, and from the ashes of our sins you can and will redeem us! Wife or husband, if you are withholding sex, or into porn, don’t walk, but run to the one you have harmed and beg their forgiveness. Find joy in serving your Lord and in turn honoring Him at His Word. He will then honor you, and not turn his back on you in the day of judgment.

Do not be one of those “christians” who go to church every Sunday arms in the air and singing His praises all the while carrying hidden rebellion in your heart. For sin and Christ are not compatible, and God’s blessings are not derived from sin but from living out righteousness from our love for God.

 Choose you this day whom ye will serve; but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.
Joshua 24:15

Some of you are ultra-conservative but I am not. I wear dresses and skirts just above my knees because this is where Ken likes me to wear them. I would wear them to the floor, if this is what he wanted from me. I even wear shorts once in a while around my home and some of my thigh shows. (One woman told me there is a verse about the thigh not showing so I asked her for it but she never responded.) I watch some TV (Hallmark, Fox News, The Duggars and The Bates Shows, and a few others) and go to the movie theater (but am careful about what I see – no nudity, sex scenes, vulgar language, etc.).

Recently, someone grabbed a picture that my daughter-in-law posted on her Instagram story of me with a skirt on with shorts underneath and some of my thigh showing. It was the Fourth of July and I was with my sons and their families and Ken. My legs were up on a footstool so more of my thigh shows than normal. (I have posted a picture of the jean skirt I was wearing that almost comes down to my knees when standing and I always wear shorts underneath it.)

If I knew my daughter-in-law was filming me and even if another man besides my sons or husband were around, I would have put my feet down on the ground but I didn’t know and had no clue that some woman would use it against me but this is what they do. They search and scour everything I write and every picture they can find about me (even from my children and their spouses) to try to destroy my ministry and make me into a hypocrite.

My family knows about it and they think it’s silly because they all know that I dress modestly. I never wear leggings unless I have a dress over it. I never wear low-cut tops, bikinis, short shorts, or a short skirt or dress. My modesty standards may not be the same as yours (some women were upset with a comment Ken made about some thigh showing) but that doesn’t mean we are wrong. I listen to godly men and what they consider immodest and dress accordingly. I don’t believe we need to wear burkas (as some women have told us) and cover our hair, faces, shoulders, and ankles. This isn’t what the typical man lusts after.

I have heard that some men have foot fetishes but this doesn’t mean we can never go barefoot. This is a problem with the men and yes, there are men who are perverts and will lust no matter what women wear but this isn’t our problem. It’s theirs. As godly women, we need to know how the typical man thinks and dress to not be a stumbling block to them.

No, I am not Amish and I’m not Mennonite or ultra-conservative, I am a believer in Jesus Christ and I love His ways. My greatest desire is to walk in obedience to Him. It’s the least that I can do for all He’s done for me. I am careful with what I see, what I wear, and what I do but my standards may not be the same as yours and this is okay. This is where our freedom in Christ comes; not to walk in sin, but to walk in obedience according to His Word, not legalism.

Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.
Galatians 5:1

There’s something strange going on among women concerning the issue of modesty. They seem to want to believe that all men who lust are perverts and good men never lust. They also want to believe that a woman can dress however she wants (thong bikinis, leggings, etc.) and if a man lusts, it’s all the man’s sin. They don’t want to explain to their daughters that they should dress modestly so as not to cause men to lust after them. Instead, they only want to teach them modesty because they are valuable and should dress in a way that brings them honor.

First of all, all men who lust aren’t perverts. Every man has lusted at one time in his life or another. Jesus addressed the issue of lusting after women to men for a reason. They are attracted to the naked bodies of females. This is a God-given desire to help populate the earth and it’s good within the boundaries of marriage. Outside of marriage, it is sin if they lust or take it farther than this.

Secondly, women cannot dress however they want and expect men not to lust and if then the men do lust, they falsely believe that it’s the men’s fault alone. We are warned not to cause others to stumble and when a woman dresses so a lot of her flesh is showing and the clothes are tight-fitting, she will easily cause men to stumble so yes, she is partly responsible for their sin.

Women get all hysterical about this. They don’t want to take any blame and they act as if this is shaming them. It’s all about them and what they want and heaven forbid anyone explains to them the truth of men’s struggles. I don’t understand this because to me, I clearly know that men are attracted to immodestly dressed women and it can cause them to lust, therefore, I dress modestly. I don’t feel any shame about it and I certainly don’t want to be blamed for causing men to stumble so I cover up.

I have no idea why mothers have problems with explaining how the male mind works. I believe it is protection for their daughters and will make them wiser in how they dress, how they relate to men and eventually being a wife. It’s good for them to know male’s struggles just as it is good for males to know female’s struggles. Knowing that dressing modestly is not only in obedience to the Lord but to protect the men around them is important.

It continually amazes me how easily offended women are today. There’s no reason to be offended about any of this; it’s simply the facts of life and a command from God. He calls women to be shamefaced and not to draw attention to themselves for a reason. Godly, honest men have told me that the more flesh that is shown, the tighter the clothes fit, and the shorter they are, the harder it is for them not to lust. Don’t ever be a stumbling block by wearing any of these in front of men who are not your husband; for if you love the Lord and His ways, you will obey what He asks of you.

Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother’s way.
Romans 14:13

When I began writing this post, I meant to write about the undressing of women in the warmer months which is happening here in California. I decided to do a word study on the word ‘modest’ and did you know that it appears only one time in the Bible? “In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with modesty and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array” (1 Timothy 2:9).  Modest in the dictionary means “free from ostentation or showy extravagance.” Since it appears only one time in the Word, I decided to go to the commentaries to see what the men of old had to say about it.

“Being present and taking part silently—avoiding especially in these services anything like a conspicuous dress or showy ornaments—anything, in fact, which would be likely to arouse attention, or distract the thoughts of others” (Elliot’s Commentary). This verse about modesty appears in the context where the Apostle Paul is explaining worship in a church setting. Men are to lift holy hands; women are to adorn themselves in modest apparel and good works, learn in silence with subjection, and not teach nor be in authority over men.

Therefore, what we wear to church should not be anything that attracts attention to ourselves or distracts others from worship, but it seems that it should be this way in our daily lives, too, since our lives should be lived in worship to Him! (I do love how this commentary describes women in the church service; “being present and taking part silently.” A good reminder for us all since this is a discipline women must learn and many are rebelling against today as we can see from all the women preachers on the scene.)

“What the apostle especially forbids is that immodest manner of dressing which is calculated to excite impure desires in the spectators, or a vain admiration of the beauty of those that use it: also that gaudiness or showiness of dress which proceeds from vanity, and nourishes vanity, wastes time and money, and so prevents many good works” (Benson Commentary). Our culture is obsessed with clothes. Our closets are packed full with them. Styles change often so we mistakenly believe we must too. Most of us spend way too much money on clothes and on ourselves, yet the Lord wants us to spend our time and money on good works instead. Let’s not dress to attract undue attention from others since we are called to be shamefaced. The only thing that should attract others to ourselves is our joy and kindness towards them.

“Good works are the best ornament; these are, in the sight of God, of great price. Modesty and neatness are more to be consulted in garments than elegance and fashion. And it would be well if the professors of serious godliness were wholly free from vanity in dress. They should spend more time and money in relieving the sick and distressed, than in decorating themselves and their children. To do this in a manner unsuitable to their rank in life, and their profession of godliness, is sinful. These are not trifles, but Divine commands. The best ornaments for professors of godliness, are good works” (Matthew Henry). What are good works? Joyfully serving our families and taking good care of them. Helping those in need. Being generous with our time, money, and energy. Praying for others. It’s being living sacrifices as the Lord has asked us to be. Let’s learnt to care a lot more about this instead of how we look; for true beauty is the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit (being gentle and kind).

“A female may as truly violate the precepts of her religion by neglecting her personal appearance as by excessive attention to it. The true idea here is, that her attention to her appearance should be such that she will be offensive to no class of persons; such as to show that her mind is supremely fixed on higher and more important things, and such as to interfere with no duty which she owes, and no good which she can do, either by spending her time needlessly in personal adorning, or by lavishing that money for dress which might do good to others, or by neglecting the proprieties of her station, and making herself offensive to others” (Barnes’ Notes). There needs to be balance. Yes, let’s do our best to look neat and tidy. Our husbands do like us to look pretty and clean. Some women go to the opposite extreme and live in sweats and t-shirts all day without even fixing their hair. This is just as wrong as spending too much time and money on ourselves. We are daughters of the King and so let’s look like it!

“Your appearance is the first thing people will notice about you and thus creates an impression of who you are and what your influence will be. You are often faced with a dilemma of choosing between contemporary fashion trends and the commitments to purity and holiness of your faith…Just as I assume that the label on a product is accurate, so God’s Word challenges me to dress in such a way that my outward appearance is an accurate label for my character.” (Pat Ennis)

But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation.
1 Peter 1:15

***Now, onto dressing modestly for the warmer months! I found this skirt I’m wearing in the picture at Zappos. (It was on sale when I bought it and you have to buy it one size smaller than you usually wear.) I love it! It is so comfortable. The first time I wore it was on a walk near our home that Ken and I take every day. At the end of the walk, he said to me, “I like you a lot more in that skirt than in jeans!” I was actually surprised but happy since it’s a lot more comfortable. (I wear these soft bike shorts under them for comfort and more modesty.) I used to wear shorts in the warmer months but I’m switching to wearing more dresses and skirts since I do believe they are more modest, especially as I grow older. How do you dress modestly in summer?

Do wearing dresses, skirts, high heels, and long hair make a woman feminine? Many dresses and skirts are a lot more feminine than pants and shorts but are these what make a woman feminine? No. According to God’s Word it has nothing to do with our outward appearance and everything to do with our behavior. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price (1 Peter 3:4). It is the hidden man of the heart; a meek and quiet spirit that makes us feminine!

What is a meek and quiet spirit? It’s so easy to forget because it’s not modeled very many places. Feminism has stolen the meek and quiet spirited women, even in the Church. Our culture spends a lot more time encouraging us to adorn our fading exterior rather than our eternal interior. As godly women, we must care a whole lot more about our inward beauty rather than our outward beauty. The Apostle Paul even encourages this of wives in order to win their disobedient husbands. Yes, most men enjoy their wives looking feminine but what they enjoy even more is having a wife who is gentle, kind, and loving. And you know what God wants us to adorn ourselves with? For after this manner in old time the holy women also, who trust in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands (1 Peter 3:5). We must learn to adorn ourselves by living in subjection to our husbands rather than wasting a lot of time and money beautifying our outward appearance.

What does a meek and quiet spirit look like? I know I sure want to have one. If it’s important to the Lord, it’s important to me.

Barnes’ Notes on the Bible describes a meek and quiet spirit this way: “Of a calm temper; a contented mind; a heart free from passion, pride, envy, and irritability; a soul not subject to the agitations and vexations of those who live for fashion, and who seek to be distinguished for external adorning.”

As you can see, the opposite of having a meek and quiet spirit is feminism! We are called to not allow our emotions and feelings control us, but to control our emotions and feelings instead and make them subject to godliness. A contented mind comes from being satisfied with what the Lord has given us for godliness with contentment is great gain. The way to be freed from passion, pride, envy, and irritability is to be in the Word consistently and allow it to transform us into His image. Let’s not care about the latest fashions as much as we do about modesty and pleasing the Lord in everything. Finally, growing older shouldn’t cause us distress since it is part of God’s magnificent plan for us! Gray hair and wrinkles are fine. I know. I have them and you know what, I can still enjoy life!

Jamieson-Fausset-Brown Bible Commentary defines a meek and quiet spirit this way: “meek, not creating disturbances: quiet, bearing with tranquility the disturbances caused by others. Meek in affections and feelings; quiet in words, countenance, and actions.” Our culture is not quiet. Everyone is yelling for and demanding their “rights” as if they are owed something for doing nothing. Godly women don’t demand anything. They quietly work at home and do what the Lord has called them to do.

I love what Timothy Hammons wrote about the National Day of Women that was just celebrated by many women refusing to show up for work to show the world just how important they are in the workforce. “In honor of National Women’s Day, I would like to praise all the women who forego the world’s call to false importance and choose to live God-honoring lives by staying home, raising their children, and submitting to their husbands as to the LORD.

These are the true women of importance. Instead of seeking their own glory, they seek to serve their children and husbands in all humility. This is what is pleasing to the LORD. They don’t protest. They don’t grandstand for false causes. They know that their true happiness is doing what God has called them to do in being mothers and wives. They know that the most important calling on a woman’s life is the family. They know that they are raising and shaping the minds of the next generation. They are not led astray by the false promises of the world. They know their Savior and follow His direction for their lives.”

Stephen Martin wrote this on my Facebook page yesterday: “A woman who is this way has a strong effect on the masculine spirit of a man. The masculine energy is aggressive and problem solving. It fights opposing masculine energy. But it receives and loves a feminine, cooperative energy. Furthermore, the feminine energy has the ability to subdue the aggression of the masculine. The more aggressive a man is, the more emotional. When the woman allows herself to be subdued, that aggressive energy in the man switches from combat to immense love for the woman.”

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation (behavior) of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
1 Peter 3:1, 2

Women wear yoga pants these days and they wear them every day and every where. I’m not sure about you but I wouldn’t dare wear them out in public like many women do today. My main reason for not wearing them is how immodest they are because they show every single curve of a woman’s front and back side; some are worse than others. Yes, honest men will tell you that they are immodest as well. Kerry Folan has another reason why women shouldn’t be wearing yoga pants all the time. She wrote an article in the Washington Times called Yoga pants are comfy. They’re also an assault on manners and a nihilistic threat.

Yes, I had to look up what nihilistic means since it’s not a word I use. The definition: “rejecting all religious and moral principles in the belief that life is meaningless.” Wow! I thought I was hard on yoga pants! She in essence wrote that women wear yoga pants because they’re too lazy to get dressed and look put together. They care more about their comfort than anything or anyone else. I agree with her. Yoga pants aren’t something that women should be wearing outside of their home or exercise class. They are classless.

We, as Christian women, should care more about others than we do ourselves. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves (Philippians 2:3). When women wear yoga pants, they are not thinking about anybody else but themselves. They don’t care about all the men who will see them and either have to look away or possibly lust. They don’t care about the grandparents who will see them and wonder what happened to having manners and putting proper clothes on for the day. Women who don’t wear yoga pants and are modest won’t enjoy having their husbands see other women in yoga pants.

“Yoga pants make a statement about comfort and modernity. When we board a flight or run to the grocery store swaddled in cotton-lycra, we are saying to the people around us that our own comfort is our first priority. We are expressing a new kind of modern vanity where dressing down, rather than dressing up, is the power move.”

We, as Christian women, are the representatives of Christ on this earth. We should look different than the women of our day and dress in a way that brings glory to the Lord, not dishonor. We should care about our clothing, how it affects others, and how others perceive us.  We don’t live for ourselves and our own comfort. We aren’t selfish – looking out for number one. No, we’re looking out for others and care about them and yes, even their husbands.

Every morning, I get dressed. I put on a bit of makeup, brush my hair, and put on clothes that are appropriate to be seen in public. I stay this way all day long until I go to bed and I’m mostly home all day. The only time I wear sweat pants all day is when I am sick. (I don’t ever wear yoga pants.) If I can do this, you can too!

In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.
1 Timothy 2:9, 10

Written by Kenneth Wieske

A woman walked into my study a few days ago. She was nearly naked, wearing only a bra and panties.

There is just one woman in the world who, while dressed like this, can be around me: my wife. But the woman who walked into my study a few days ago was not my wife. I was very embarrassed.

She, however, was not embarrassed at all. Let’s call her: “Shameless.”

The reason Shameless was not embarrassed was because she had swallowed the lie of our modern society. This lie says the following: if the bra and panties are the same color and made of a fabric that can be used in water, then walking around in them is completely different than walking around in underwear because they are, after all, swimwear.

Shameless is a professing Christian, yet, because she has bought into this lie, she has no problem exposing her body to the whole world. I imagine she might be embarrassed to walk in the mall, or visit her grandparents, dressed only in her bra and panties. But for some reason, she does not see any problem in choosing a photo of herself dressed this way as her Facebook profile photo.

That’s how she came into my office: by my computer screen.

I have hundreds of “friends” on Facebook that I hardly know. I accept friend requests from anyone who professes to be Christian, because I want to expand my network of contacts so I can promote the work of the various Reformed organizations and institutions I work with.

However, when a contact posts things on Facebook that promote indecent thoughts, or attitudes or actions that are not Christian, I delete them immediately.

Three reasons:

Let me share with you the reasons why I deleted Shameless.

Her body belongs to her husband.

If she is not married, she must keep her body for her future husband (1 Cor 7:4). Her body is not to be exposed for the world to see, much less is to be displayed on my computer screen.

My passion belongs to my wife.

Seeing the body of another woman does not promote my sanctification or edify my marriage (Prov. 5:15-20; Job 31:1). God created man so that he experiences a very strong reaction when he sees the body of a woman. This reaction within marriage is beautiful and promotes true love. Outside of marriage it is shameful and brings destruction and sorrow.

In this world, mired as it is in immorality and sexual perversion, vigilance is necessary for a man to keep his sexual purity. When other women present themselves almost naked to him, that surely does not help in his fight against sin.

Public nakedness is a denial of Christ’s work.

When man fell into sin, his nakedness was exposed. God then gave clothes to cover the shame of Adam and Eve. An animal had to die so that their nakedness was covered. This was a foreshadowing of Christ’s work, in which He was exposed and naked on the cross, taking upon Himself our shame, and shedding his blood for us so we could be covered with the white robes of His righteousness.

The way we dress reflects something about our understanding of the Gospel. When Christian men and women expose their bodies in public, they are obscuring the manifestation of the power of Christ’s work in their lives – instead of dressing in decent apparel, with modesty and good sense, they mimic the world, which glories in its shame.

Conclusion:

Sadly, many readers will find this article too radical. Christian women can’t wear bikinis? Men should vigilantly avoid looking at such exposed women?

There’s a reason this seems radical: we’re so mired in worldliness that we don’t even notice it. Today’s worldly, superficial Christianity produces worldly, superficial Christians. However Christianity as taught by Christ and his apostles is a total transformation of life in all respects, accompanied by a radical commitment to holiness. The change in us is not meant to be a slight one – we are to be transformed into something else entirely: “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come” (2 Cor 5:17a). Now that’s radical! And that is Christianity!

For many walk, of whom I often told you, and now tell you even weeping, that they are enemies of the cross of Christ,
whose end is destruction, whose god is their appetite, and whose glory is in their shame, who set their minds on earthly things.
Philippians 3:18, 19

Used with permission from Reformed Perspective
The original title was “Facebook and the 7th Commandment”