The Problem Always Seems to Be the Husband
This is a comment given by Trey on my post Living Like An Abigail:
I hear so many Christian wives these days talking about how bad their husbands are. The problem even seems to exist with Christian husbands who are reading their “Bible steadily, listening to sermons, and praying.” The one actually causing the problem in the marriage never seems to be the wife though. It is always their husband’s fault.
And then I hear statements like these, “This is just an example, terribly unkind argument then he goes downstairs…” and that she is going “through lots of emotional ups and downs depending on if he gets offended or not.”
This raises a few questions. Since it takes two people to argue, if a wife is submitting to her husband in everything (Ephesians 5:22-24) and showing him the utmost respect mingled with fear (Ephesians 5:33b), even if he is not being obedient to the word (1 Peter 3:1-2); how can there ever be a “terribly unkind argument” between them?
How is it that a Christian wife is doing things (or not doing things) that offend her husband on a regular basis? Why would this Christian wife expect her husband to change his behavior based on what she thinks of him? Does she know better? Is he supposed to be submitting to her and following her leadership? Something is just not adding up.
As a man, I do not ask these questions in a vacuum or without experiential knowledge on the subject. The bible tells me that I am to submit to my employer with the utmost respect, mingled with fear, even if they are harsh and unreasonable (1 Peter 2:18), even if if causes me to suffer (1 Peter 2:19). Over the past 40 years, I have worked for some pretty harsh and unreasonable employers. Early on, there was a failure or two (before I understood 1 Peter 2:18-19) but for the past 30 years, I can tell you that I have not had an argument of any kind with any of them.
How is it that a Christian wife who claims to “love Jesus with all my heart and trust His word” be so often offending and having arguments with her husband and it all be HIS fault? Is he not the head of the wife? Is he not the leader in his household? Does he not set the standards that need to be met in the household? Does the Christian wife not strive to submit to, reverence, serve and please him in all that she does? It seems that in so many Christian marriages these days that things are just not well and according to the wife, the problem always seems to be the husband.
Is is possible that there is more to it than that? Is is possible that the wife is missing something? For those seeking answers, and for any woman who desires to be a Godly wife, I recommend that you read the following books:
“The Power of a Transformed Wife” by Lori Alexander
“Created to Be His Help Meet” by Debi Pearl
“The Excellent Wife” by Martha Peace
Allow these Godly older women in the church to teach you how: “to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”
Titus 2:4-5
***Subscribe to my blog HERE
12 thoughts on “The Problem Always Seems to Be the Husband”
Sometimes husbands can have unreasonable expectations, based on not understanding the physical limitations of their wives. If that is the case – if the wife is truly incapable of getting everything done he expects of her – she does not need to defend herself. In fact she probably shouldn’t try, as is would likely lead to an argument. God is her witness, and so she should rather turn to Him for help.
She should show willingness wherever possible. Maybe in a less stressful moment ask her husband what his top priorities are for her. What’s more important: Dust-free floors or a sparkling clean bathroom sink? How much does he care about the nutritional quality of the food, and the effort that therefore would need to go into preparing it? Now the ideal wife in an ideal situation would always be healthy and energetic, able to keep a sparkling clean and tidy home, cook elaborate, delicious and nutritious meals, raise their children well, and and focus almost entirely on her husband’s needs whenever he is home. But we aren’t always healthy and energetic, and can’t even really compare our varying capacities amongst ourselves. It’s ok to recognize that.
To dial back and focus on priorities – specifically the husband’s priorities. Maybe add laundry and dishes to his priority list, even if he didn’t think to add them. When you know what absolutely needs to get done, you can structure your time accordingly, making sure you get the rest you need, to not be completely wiped out when your husband gets home. It’s important to show an attitude of caring and wanting to please, rather than an attitude of entitlement. If your husband doesn’t appreciate your efforts, can’t see you’re doing the best you currently can, don’t lose your patience. God knows your limits better than your husband ever can. So don’t be afraid to stay quiet and keep serving cheerfully as well as you are able. Chances are, he might get bored of trying to pick an argument with someone who won’t retaliate.
I think a lot of issues in marriage can be traced back to feminism. Women aren’t being taught how to be wives or they don’t have good examples. We live in such a selfish culture. Morals and values are being stripped away from society. Being a wife means self sacrifice. Putting away your desires/wants to bring glory to your husband. Basically the opposite of what girls learn today. I’m thankful I have a strong husband who didn’t let me walk all over him or disrespect him. He set the tone early on. Godly men are labeled as “toxic” in our society when society desperately needs them. Feminism gave men the pass to act like pigs then women want to blame men for the consequences. It’s a mess, y’all. Women want to blame everything but ourselves. “The Proper Care and Feeding of husbands” by Dr Laura Schlesinger is also a great read. She addresses this issue.
I want to explain a comment I made on an earlier post.
I never said my husband is “always the problem.” We both have our faults as none of us is perfect. However I was trying to figure out how to respond in difficult circumstances like the ones I mentioned. I don’t have an issue with staying quiet. But what do I do when he tells me to do something, and I genuinely don’t understand how to do it and he won’t tell me but I’m expected to do it anyway? How can I do something I don’t understand?
In fact, I went out of my way to say he was otherwise a good husband and father. Just because a woman is saying “hey, I’m having an issue with a concept here” does not automatically mean she blames every issue on her husband nor does it mean she is a Jezebel. I was honestly puzzled at how I am expected to stay silent in those moments when I can’t seem to even politely ask a question, desiring to do as my husband has asked without getting a blunt response and a demand I do something I genuinely don’t understand.
I can point out plenty of my own faults. (And I often do! 😂) But sometimes, in order to do something I need to understand how to do it. Or, how to navigate tricky circumstances. My husband is highly intelligent and I am not. I struggle a lot more than he does.
Erika,
I agree with some of what you said and overall commend your attitude on the subject but I would like to comment on two things.
1. Getting work done in the home.
Currently, stay at home wives/mothers have it the easiest they have ever had it in all of history. With all of the modern day appliances: washing machines, clothes dryers, dishwashers, electric/gas stoves, electric mixers, bread machines, crock pots, vacuum cleaners (including robots that do 99% of the work for you) and grocery stores that have endless assortments of food you can just pick off of the shelf, the typical housewife’s work load has been cut by at least 50% (and I am being very generous here). Women of the past, that typically had even more kids than most women have today (and did not even have disposable diapers) would absolutely laugh at how easy the modern day (stay at home) woman has it.
2. Regarding your last sentence (husbands picking arguments).
Peace in the home is one of the most important things there is to a man. He has to deal with stress, conflict, drama, struggle and strife all day long in the work place and when he gets home, the last thing that he wants is more.
I believe that what you are doing in the last sentence is called “projecting”. It is not typically men who pick arguments for no tangible reason, it is commonly known that women do this and the reasons they do are numerous but a quick search of the internet suggests the following list of possibilities:
1. The are bored. (Too many women thrive on drama.)
2. They’re craving attention. (Do women ever get enough?)
2. They like to see how far they can push him. (Fitness test.)
3. They’re seeking the upper hand in the relationship. (Curse from the garden.)
4. That’s how they learned to communicate as a child. (Mothers were bad examples.)
In short, men do not initiate conflict for no good reason. I am going to repeat that for those in the back row. MEN DO NOT INITIATE CONFLICT FOR NO GOOD REASON. If the husband is bringing up an issue that is going to cause conflict, you better believe that it is something that is tangibly important to him. If the husband brings up an issue again and again and again over a long period of time, you better believe that it is something that is critically important to him. He is not doing it just for fun and ignoring him is tearing your house down with your own hands. (Proverbs 14:1)
Some of the time the husband might be being unreasonable and your suggestion with how a wife should handle it is commendable. Far too often though, the problem is, too many wives just don’t hear what they don’t want to hear.
And no, I’m not just making up scenarios To be difficult. Nor am I exaggerating. As my husband is an intellectual, he will get frustrated with others that don’t have his level of intelligence or understanding. And can get very frustrated. He’s not asking me to sin, and refusing to do a task until he explains it isn’t being submissive either. Trying to gently press him to explain only makes him more frustrated and snappy. And if I attempt the task and I don’t get it right he resorts to name calling and gets angry. I love him and want to please him, and I’ve tried to respond the best I can. But I don’t have other women I can ask without getting lectured or a rude remark about him.
We can go to extremes when either husband or wife brings up an issue, “so you’re saying it’s the other spouses fault?” But that’s not always the case. And doesn’t help anything. Sometimes digging a bit more exposes the person’s motive, rather than assuming the worst.
Ladies, this is why you need to be picky about who you choose to spend the rest of your life with. How does he react when things don’t go his way? Who does he blame? What are his reactions when he’s at his angriest/gets his buttons pushed? How does he treat those around him when he’s not in the best mood? These are all important things.
Hi M! I don’t know what type of scenario you mean really but I feel like this is one of those “wife catch .22”, meaning there’s not a solution that will feel good to the wife, if you understand what i mean by that. Since we’re under our husbands, if he’s not able to articulate something to you or gets upset, we have to take the proverbial hit.
I’ve had a few times where I remember something different than my husband does and he will not accept that perhaps he is the one who is misremembering. Since I can’t prove it, I have to let it go.
That’s not a solution tht “feels good” to me, but he’s my head and there’s no other solution without being unsubmissive. And mind you, for anyone who will come at me thinking I’m trying to start a problem, that’s not the case. He was misremembering things that questioned my intentions and that was the only reason I discussed it with him.
Hugs, M 🥰
I remember your comments on here from years ago and always thought we could be friends.
I can answer Trey’s question. I’ve been married for nearly 23 years. Our children are 21, 20, 17 and 12. My husband, although a believer, has battled drug addiction all of his adult life and is such, is very paranoid and is convinced I am cheating on him. I am not; but the truth doesn’t matter to him. I have even offered to submit to a polygraph test and cooperate with a private investigator. He has full access to my phone and laptop and his fingerprint unlocks it. He has a tracker on my phone, which I take everywhere because I use it as my wallet. He can see what I am doing (or at least where I am) every second of every day. I have done everything I can to set his mind at ease.
Every day, the last words I hear at night and the first words I hear in the morning are: betrayer, slapper, cheating slapper, sl*t, b*tch, wh*re. His nickname for me is “two bit” which is short for “two-bit wh*re”. I don’t argue with him. Sometimes I say in a soft voice “I am not cheating on you, I never have.” Sometimes I walk away. I don’t argue with him because it is pointless. I haven’t cheated on him, and he chooses not to believe that.
We separated before, and likely will again, because it gets to the point where sometimes I just spend the whole day in tears. My children hear him speak to me like this and don’t understand why I stay.
Sometimes, it is the man. Sometimes, it is because a man has been deeply hurt by a woman before, and that broke something deep inside of him, and he turns into something unrecognisable. It goes in cycles. He will be awesome for a few days, then horrid again.
A hymn I love says “I will leave it all to Jesus for I know He understands. Things in life I cannot alter I will leave in Jesus’ hands.” And that is what I try to do every day; it is literally the only thing I can do.
My Dearest M;
I have read your original comment along with your follow-up comments several times to ensure my understanding of your question. Although Mr. Trey has responded; and if you shall permit; I would like to add a bit to this discussion.
You stated several times that your husband’s intellect exceeds your own to such a degree that misunderstandings of his request(s) have become an unfortunate normality within your home. With no disrespect towards your husband inferred, true intellectuals; the very essence of intelligence itself; is the ability {for a man} to concisely convey his thoughts in such a way as to be readily understood by his intellectual inferiors. In other words Dearest M, his intellect alone should apprise him of your inability to fully understand his instructions or requests. I doubt the incomplete explanation of what he wishes from you is deliberate.
No husband is desirous of creating confusion in his home; deliberately creating confusion to ensure his wife’s failure in her task(s) will lead to conflict; extended conflict will lead to the destruction of peace within the home; the destruction of peace will ultimately lead to the loss of intimacy, tenderness, and the sexual relationship. Men communicate with action not necessarily with words; to lose peace and risk the loss of the sexual relationship would strip him of his most effective means of communicating with {you} his wife: this is simply not an option entertained by any men.
Dearest M, your writing, grammar and composition belies your belief that you lack intelligence. This leads me to believe that the problem you’re encountering is more likely to be timing. Please allow me an anecdote:
When I arrive home at the end of the day, Mrs. Williams greets me at the door very happy to see me. She takes my hand and walks me over to a chair; as I sit, she kneels and begins the long process of unlacing and removing my boots; she reminds me that my clothes are in the bathroom waiting for me after my shower; when I return downstairs she has prepared a place for me on the couch. She then informs me of the approximate time she will be ready to serve dinner; asks if there is anything I need; and leaves for twenty or so minutes allowing me to unwind. She’ll return, sit next to me and patiently wait for me to address her as I know there is something important she needs to ask or say. Her issues can now be discussed and rectified. Although her concerns or problems are urgent her timing is strategic: she knows that a few minutes down-time alone will reset my focus to efficiently address her problem(s).
Perhaps your husband requires a bit more time between his arrival home and your desire to understand his request left you earlier that day? Although men try to explain things clearly, our minds do function differently from women’s minds: the task your husband sees you clearly completing in his mind’s eye might not have been explained sufficiently enough to have the same clarity in your mind. Your intelligence is not in question; the differences in how our minds process concepts and the steps toward completion of tasks most likely play a significant role in the misunderstandings you are encountering with his requests.
No man wishes his wife to fail in anything. Give him some time to unwind and ask him to explain his desires to you; tell him you are doing your best to honor and obey but are just having a bit of trouble completing the task. A gentle and feminine approach to the problem will encourage a gentle and loving response from your husband.
After reading all of this… I think I’m perfectly content single.
The key, J, is to marry a good man! Don’t marry one in which there are any red flags.
For the first time, someone isn’t listening to the girl crying wolf. Women and wives in general love to avoid accountability and play like the husband is an evil boogie man for standing up to her, which women never truly experience until marriage. The reality is women are completely opposing God, men, masculinity, order and the Bible. They are angry, vengeful and full of judgement against their husband bc modern women believe they know right and wrong better than their husband better than God. They’ve become foul demonic creatures who can not accept they are wicked and need to change. Instead they focus on trying to change their husband into a weak effeminate submissive demon like her.
Thankfully, it’s not all women, Ras! There will always be a remnant who love the Lord and His ways.
There is a very simple answer to this problem. READ THE WORD OF GOD. How do I know?
Because I too went to the LORD complaining about my husband. The LORD clearly told me, “Laurie you work on you, I’ll work on him.”
Well there you go. I was as much to blame as my husband. And at that time I was reading my Bible. BUT I was NOT putting the words into ACTION.
In the scripture that talks about the husband being won by the Conversation of the wife the Greek word for Conversation is NOT with words of the mouth. It IS in her ACTIONS.
The other CLEAR understanding from the Word of GOD is that we as Christians ARE the Bride of Christ.
Now let’s put that into perspective.
We as woman need to treat our husbands the way we would treat CHRIST.
On the other hand our husbands have to do double duty. They need to see themselves from a woman’s point of view in their relationship to their husband CHRIST and lead their home as the Man of GOD they were created to be.
This being said women we need to give our men a BIG break. They are carrying a huge responsibility that they carry BECAUSE they love us. Just as GOD carries us.
And IF we still can’t seem to get it then we had better take a close look at the cross because the answer is there. GOD the Father selflessly sent HIS Son to die for the world. Then His Son selflessly was obedient to His Father. Even after asking the Father to take the cup from HIM. HE Obeyed. What do we see here? A HUGE example set not once but twice.
We too need to die to SELF.
We are a selfish people.
Forgive us LORD we Pray.