Married to Angry Men
The road that we walk as believers is narrow and it’s not easy. Everyone goes through trials and sufferings, but as believers in Christ Jesus, we don’t run from them and try to numb ourselves as those on the broad path are prone to do. Debi Pearl added a great chapter to her book Created to Be His Help Meet for women who are married to very difficult and angry men. I want to post a few meaningful paragraphs from this book to encourage you who are in this situation to buy the book and find encouragement from her.
***For any of you who are being physically and/or emotionally abused or fear for your life in your marriage, please click on this link.
Debi gives three responses how women who are married to angry men typically react: become a doormat and cower in his presence, fight back and cause more tension, and a third one which I recommend.
“The third response is the road to healing; your healing first, and then the kids and possibly your husband’s. This is the hard part. It will take a woman filled with the Holy Spirit and the grace of God. You will have to endure abusive words without feeling abused. You will have to live in the love of God when you are not getting love from your husband. You will have to gain your self-image from what God thinks of you instead of what your husband says in his selfishness and anger. You will need to put on the whole armor of God to stand against the fiery darts of the wicked one – yes, the devil in your husband.
“You must wear two hats at the same time: the loving, submissive wife who honors her husband, and the prophet who will not cover sin nor call evil good. You will not hide his sin from your children nor make excuses. When he acts inappropriately with you or the children and you see they are hurting, later, in private, explain to them that he does not have the love of God in him and that he is being controlled by an evil spirit. Let them know that it is his problem and not theirs, that he is unreasonable and they are normal. Tell them to try not to provoke him and together you will seek his healing. They should understand that their daddy is temporarily possessed of a debilitating moral disease that God can heal.
“Stand taller. Look him in the eye. Do not return to your corner or wear the dunce’s hat. When reviled, return a blessing, when persecuted, suffer it without bowing your head or apologizing ( 1 Corinthians 4:10-13). Look your antagonist in the eye and let him see compassion and forgiveness, but not fear, not guilt, and not apology. You should grow taller as he gets smaller.
“I do know one thing for sure: Total surrender to God and a walk of faith will cure any and all marriage diseases. A good Christian is a good spouse, a good parent, and a good friend. We have seen terminal cases of marriage malignancy cured through loving God with all of one’s heart. Where Christ is there is wisdom, judgment, forgiveness, grace, love, mercy, and especially joy. The power of holy joy exceeds all human ills.
“So before you blame your husband, and decide to stand up to him, make sure you are kneeling in the presence of God, seated in heavenly places, and standing in faith. If grace is not your daily diet, don’t expect that you can work wonders in another blighted soul.”
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye.
Luke 6:41, 42
***Here is another good article by Michael Pearl on this topic, The Devil’s Hug but gives this warning: This article is rated R—not for children under 18, and possibly not for any unmarried person who wishes to remain in innocent ignorance. (The most tragic part of this article is the fact that the number of angry men is increasing due to pornography and I also believe due to rampant divorce and the break down of the family and biblical values. Divorce makes children angry who grow up to be angry adults.)
***If your husband is having an affair, click here.
***If he is a persistent porn addict, click here or here.
***Here are multiple articles about domestic violence for anyone in this situation.
33 thoughts on “Married to Angry Men”
I am married to a man who often struggles with anger and fits of rage. He is a Christian. This post contains the most helpful advice I have ever been given on how to deal with my husband, particularly the post you suggested by Michael Pearl. I have wondered for so long how to appropriately interact with my husband, and now I know what to do. Thank you so very much for this!
You’re welcome, Sara. It has helped me know how to mentor women more effectively who are married to angry men.
I encourage you to listen to Michael Pearl’s Bible teachings. He’s the best preacher of the Word that I’ve ever listened to since he is a wise man who has studied the Bible for many years. Our lives have been changed by his solid teachings!
We really have to lift up our brothers and sisters who suffer from anger issues as well as those who suffer as a result. May they be blessed with the fruit of the Spirit!
But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace. From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?
(James 3:17-18, 4:1)
Eph 4:31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
Very good article!
I have not just read this advice from the pearls, but authors with counselling and psychology degrees. (Obviously christian) seems easy enough in written word. Very difficult in practise. For the woman who desires to undertake this. Please find a Godly mentor to guide you thru the process. Often in these cases, a woman is in an emotionally and mentally weak state. She feels beaten down and confused, so to speak. So please find someone to pray with you, give you guidance and encourage you thru the process ( not a gossip. And not someone the same age or younger. An OLDER WOMAN who displays Godliness and is known to be trustworthy and wise)
Dear Lori, please post my comment only of you think it’s relevant…
I had an angry daddy. He used to tell me that I wasn’t a wonder when he was angry with me. He was very aggressive, squeezing my arm or shoulder, banging objects, cursing, and he made my Mom spank me until I was 17 and half. I was very ashamed of that…
Now I’m 40 and I still must remember that nice verse of Psalms 139:14 :
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
Psalms 139:14 KJV
To replace a lie by the Truth is very effective ! And yes, how it is important to see ourselves like God Himself sees us !
My Mom told me this summer that when my siblings and I were hurting by the things my Dad had done or said, she was seeing that we were hurting, but she didn’t sense the liberty to come and talk with us, because she feared to “destroy” the “work” my Dad had done and his authority…
It was difficult to her to see my Dad’s faults.
And I think he had and still has some mental health problems, caused by natural weaknesses and the fact that his mom let him in an orphanage when he was a baby until he was 5, and then he returned with his mom and an angry adoptive father…
I think he never recovered from that, but I know God’s grace could heal him…
Anyway, God’s grace is healing me, I know I’m cherished by Him, so cherished that He gave His Son for me !!! I’m a thankful child of God ?!
This is one of the best articles like this I’ve ever read. I don’t normally dig on Debi Pearl because I don’t like how she calls people names and is rude a lot but this is a pleasant surprise!!! I lived with an angry husband for a loooong time and I’m not even going to pretend there weren’t times when I wanted to give up but God told me to keep rowing and I did and I can’t believe how different he is today. I think it helps to emotionally detach yourself from the situation as much as possible.
I did a bible study on the Armor of God once and the writer talks about taking her son to a fair and there being a giant Whack-a-Mole game there. Her son decided to pull back the curtain underneath it to see how it works and saw the Mole being controlled by people. This is what I think of when dealing with impossible people. Our enemies aren’t people. Our enemy is the forces of darkness in the spiritual realm. And it helps enable me to show grace to angry people, especially my husband when I stop and remember that we’re all the Mole sometimes. And also when I remember that looking down my nose at someone else for any reason, especially for being a sinner, makes me like a Pharisee, it makes me want to show grace and compassion and lift those people up to the Lord. Ick, the LAST thing I want is to be like a Pharisee ?.
What a wonderful and encouraging comment, Heather! Yes, I am always encouraging women who are married to disobedient and/or angry men to remember who the true enemy is and that their husband’s future is dark and horrific. They need Jesus! They need to see Jesus’ love and light shining through them. Is it hard? Yes! But the end results can be amazing since God’s ways are always best. Blessings to you!
Yes, but many times angry men are in bondage to Satan and his ways. They need to find freedom in Christ and the way the Lord instructs women to do this is by cultivating godly behavior since there’s nothing more powerful to change others than a transformed life!
You are so right! They do need support and encouragement from other women. I am seeing this in the chat room; there are women who are beaten down and weary from the battle with their husbands but as soon as they receive encouragement and support from the women, they begin to gain strength and eventually, they are strong in their faith and ready to do battle for their marriages. It’s a beautiful thing to witness.
Isn’t it wonderful to know that the Lord brings beauty our of ashes! I have seen people come from horrific childhoods to being transformed into new creatures in Christ. I encourage them to study Romans 6 and 8 to see that they no longer have to be in bondage to their past because Christ freed them from it so they can now walk in newness of life. Thank you for sharing your testimony! May it richly bless others.
Please tell them I said that it’s not in vain. Even though they may not see it now, if they’re saved and praying, God is working and they’re steadfastness will be rewarded. I’ve got a testimony like you wouldn’t believe! Now my marriage isn’t perfect….please don’t think it is but what it has now is two imperfect people who are surrendered to daily growth in Jesus, sanctification, and grace and that makes all the difference in the world. Would you be interested in reading my story?
Absolutely and I may even make a post from it if you wouldn’t mind! You can email it to me at [email protected]. Thank you!
I agree, it is an incredibly hard undertaking, especially when it seems we can’t even find that support anywhere, the world as it is. Most women in my life do not practice being a true Christian wife and mother, and their advice is not Godly/biblical. For those feeling alone and needing support, I want to encourage you to give it to God and trust in Him and His plan – sometimes as hard as we try to do the righteous thing, God keeps us in a desert. We must trust Him in His timing, and draw even closer to Him. He has promised us that He will not leave us orphans; have faith! Remember, there is always the Word and prayer to root us in that faith until the answer to our prayer comes along.
I have been praying to God for almost a decade now for support and guidance through tough times in my marriage – this blog has been a sort of answer to that prayer! My main struggle is that I feel I am the cause of my husband’s anger, due to my own past sins. So it’s very, very hard and nearly impossible not to feel the weight of guilt sink your head with tail between the legs, so to speak, despite years of repentance. I just want to thank Lori and all the others who are here to encourage each other and provide wisdom for those of us in such desperate need, as I feel certain I’m not the only one. It is helpful to have these topics discussed.
God bless you all!
I encourage you, D, to listen to Michael Pearl teach through Romans, especially chapters 6 through 8 and find the healing from past sins in Christ’s death and resurrection. You are a brand NEW creature in Christ. All of your sins have been washed away and you are as white as snow. You are clothed in Christ’s righteousness and now walk in newness of life. Your job is to renew your mind with this truth and believe it!
Ladies, there may be another reason why your husbands are angry besides being addicted to porn. And I may have to rewrite this several times because my blood is boiling so much after reading the explanations as to why these women’s husbands are angry. Your husbands may be angry because they are stuck in a miserable marriage with a woman much like the ones described by Lori in some of her other blog posts here. The selfish, headstrong, unsubmissive, always right, never wrong, wanting to engage and argue with you just to prove her point, dominant, self righteous, fully self actualized “enlightened” woman who may ask your opinion occasionally, but never actually listens to it.
THIS is why I’m angry and miserable. I regret getting married every day to the woman I am now hitched to, but what am I to do? Malachi 2 tells us God hates divorce, and being a Christian man I feel I am stuck. I got married too young for the wrong reasons into an unhealthy relationship. I was tired of burning with passion and foolishly thought getting married would fix the issue. Now after many years, I am finally getting more mentally healthy and am slowly trying to retake ground I have surrendered to her, but it is PAINFUL. There are many days that I question if I can continue, telling myself it is not worth it. It is sad when you contemplate suicide as a viable option to your current problems as a means of getting away from your spouse, and in a way finally being able to get the last word in. This is why I’m angry.
You could ask me what is a helpmate, and I wouldn’t’ even know what to say other than I’ve seen it in other marriages. I saw a lengthy, honest response here from another man that was brutally descriptive begging women to give us sex, respect, and being the helpmate. It has largely been ignored as brash, just a man being a pig. I read his response and jumped up and down yelling, YES! Ladies, it really is that simple!
But please note, you can say all the right words, but it is the TONE, delivery, and inference in which you say it. Finally, you must realize You may be a large part of the problem. You cannot read these blogs and not take something away. The problem could be you are blind to the fact that YOU are the problem. The narcissist never asks if they are the narcissist. Ladies, Love your men well. Tell them you appreciate them, and what they do. Tell them you appreciate their hard work, and sacrifice. Tell them thank you for going to a job they may HATE because they need to provide for you. Don’t complain that you are so busy at home with this or that. Your vacuum cleaner fiasco may not stack up to the way his boss tore him a new anus at work. Don’t subvert his authority. Think before you speak. For the love of God, show him some respect. He probably is trying hard to do the right thing. It isn’t easy, don’t make it more difficult for him.
i had a childhood like this and i am just learning to use God’s word to help me realise who i am in Him. i have battled self hatred and shyness for many years. when i was baptised i was given that verse by my pastor about being fearfully and wonderfully made. The Holy Spirit knew i needed to hear this truth. bless you sister
yes, i agree. Beauty from ashes describes my situation perfectly. i will check out those verses from Romans….. blessings to you too
It was hard to get past your introduction, that as christians we don’t run from trials or try to numb ourselves as those on the broad path do; this sent a lot of condemnation immediately into me. I think it may have been better to say that: “As Christians we will face trials, but we have something the rest of the world doesn’t, and that is hope because of the Lord. We don’t have to run from difficult trials, we can be faithful through them, for we have been saved from the way that is hopeless.”
I feel we all use things to cope with. Alcohol for some, food, entertainment, shopping and anything else you can think of, are idols at worst and crutches we lean on instead of the Lord, at best. I used to be addicted to alcohol, I am a christian and it took a lot of help and prayer, some honest confession and pleeding to Lord for me to stop.
We are all prone to stumble in many ways, and sometimes, like samson, david, solomon too, we can really fail! And its ok.
God bless you.
I too am going through hard times in my marriage, which effects every other area of my life. As of right now, I’m having to be my own support and looking for advice on my specific situation. Dealing with his anger because of the grudges and accusations. I know that in my case, God is my only hope. When it comes to changing the heart and mind, we cant even fix that within ourselves on our own, let alone our spouse’s. Thank you for making me feel not so hopeless, or alone.
I’ve recently found a book with little bite sized daily readings to help a women living with an angry man. It’s called “daily wisdom for why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. It’s very good, but certainly not from a Christian perspective. Do you know of something similar you could recommend from a Biblical perspective?
Lori, This blog and your writings makes sense. But I feel like I’m at my wits end. I’ve been married to a dear man for 16 years. He suffers from great anger and discontent within him. The majority of this according to him is my fault. He seems to be my competitor not my companion I’m tired of the arguing and really I just want to be his wife and I want him to feel happy inside. Where do I go from here?
Sarah, try re-reading my comments above. You could very well be my wife. If you truly want to save your marriage, then DO what Lori writes about. Yes it is unpopular. Yes it flies in the face of what you feel is right. But I promise you, if you actually put into practice what Lori teaches, your husband would guard you closer than Ft. Knox. He wouldn’t want you to get away, vs. He probably wishes you would go away currently.
I think it’s important to consider whether emotional abuse is present in a marriage. It can be present in a very hard-to-recognize way. For any woman who feels like a victim in her marriage, I highly recommend Leslie Vernick’s book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. It is very scripturally based about how to recognize and respond to an emotionally abusive spouse.
Dear Lori, thank you for letting God use you to inspire women in hard marriages. Lori, I have been married for 29 years, and have endured the same trials with my husband all these years. I love my husband and I want to do what’s best for our marriage. I love a clean and organized home, but my husband likes to collect a lot of things. The problem is that he likes to keep things that we do not need, and hates to throw things away (i.e. empty food containers, old clothes, broken/worn out items). All seven of our children are grown, and we have two adult children, who are self-sufficient, that still live at home. I don’t like clutter and like to keep a nice organized home, but my husband could care less about this. This has brought tension into our home because I cannot keep it clean and things are piled up because he doesn’t want to get rid of anything. What are some suggestions on how to handle this. If you have already written an article concerning this, would you please give me a link to it. Thank you and may God continue to bless you and your family.
So what do you do when your husband is an unbeliever? My husband’s is in a false religion and has been for the past 4 years. I recently got saved and I am struggling to deal in a marriage with such an angry man. He hurts me often with the things he says and his lack of remorse for saying them. He recently told me he believes in plural marriage and that the Bible teaches men can have more than one wife. I pray continually for him and I know that it’s ultimately God’s will If my husband will be saved or not.
Look women, Some men have very good reason to be angry as hell. There are horror stories and done by married wives that would enrage most men but not all of course because some men don’t Care. My wife had affair with three women and done so before she married me and throughout our marriage with women friends and kept this hidden for 16 years and 2 children later. so there are some very good reasons some men are angry. 3rd wife bi polar and very abusive and to such an extent i suffer from panic attacks and in counseling for. so there are some very good valid reasons for some men to be angry and you would be too if two women took 36 yrs of your life and flushed it away. i apologize in advance i just saw the title and needed to tell another side of a story/ A lot of men are angry for good reason/ My wife who was abusive to me passed away last year so now i finally have PEACE
Thank you so much Lori!
I needed this encouraging post to pass on to my sister. May God Bless your labor of love.