Can Sex Be Separated From Intercourse?

Can Sex Be Separated From Intercourse?

What is sex? Is it just intercourse? Are unmarried couples who are fooling around and ejaculating with each other but not having intercourse having sex or just fooling around? President Clinton told the world that he did NOT have sex with that woman. He only had oral sex so was he telling the truth? What exactly is purity and being chaste before marriage?

How about anal sex? I found out about some young women who pledged purity until marriage but are having anal sex because they think that this keeps them virgins. Is anal sex not sex? What about fondling? Does this count for sex? Does this defile the marriage bed? Can young women proudly proclaim they are virgins on their wedding day who have participated in some other sexual activities with men?

I believe you need to have strong convictions about this so that you can teach your daughters truth since they will be hearing a whole bunch of lies in culture about what sex is and what it is not. It has been so watered down and trivialized in our culture that the sanctity of sex is no longer taught nor sought after.

Here are what some women had to say about this topic in the chat room:

“Any act that is meant to be a FORM of sex is sex. So oral sex, hand jobs, and fooling around are all sex. They all have an emotional and physical component to them. They all are meant to cause pleasure in a sexually intimate way.” (Cassie)

“From my understanding of God’s Law, a woman is to be untouched/a virgin until a man takes her as his wife. This was and still is very important in most ancient cultures. A man ejaculating with a woman in any form other than anal sex is something designated for marriage. There have always been prostitutes, but a righteous man is meant for his wife.” (Paige)

“Days we live in are evil and the devil perverts absolutely everything. Killing millions of babies is called ‘women’s rights.’ Try calling it murder publicly and you’ll be called a ‘women hater.’ Sex and pleasure of any kind is meant for the wife and husband.” (Slavik)

“Kissing can be very sexual! Usually it’s what opens the floodgates. I made sure that my husband and I didn’t do anything beyond a (not too long) kiss before we married and we don’t regret it one bit.” (Zelma)

“Anything designed to sexually arouse one or both partners is sexual. That certainly includes oral and anal sex, caressing and fondling, hand jobs, and so on. Making out is sexual. That’s why we’re disgusted to see two men doing it or angry if a married man does it with someone not his wife. All of these things cause arousal and are intended to. They prepare the body for intercourse. Thus, they are sexual.” (Lindsay)

I strongly believe that a young couple who becomes engaged should marry quickly in order to keep their purity. The engagement time should only be a time to plan a wedding. Marriage between a husband and a wife is the most sacred relationship on this earth. Every time a young woman flees any type of sexual involvement with a man, she is glorifying God.

Mothers MUST talk with their daughters. Daughters need to hear truth. Truth gives boundaries to their lives and then they feel protected. Teach your daughters to keep their marriage bed undefiled and be a true virgin in every way on her wedding night. Marriage is sacred. Do it God’s way. His ways are perfect.

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
Hebrews 13:4

57 thoughts on “Can Sex Be Separated From Intercourse?

  1. I believe technically someone is a virgin until vaginal intercourse but doing other sexual stuff is just as bad. Yeah you might still be a virgin to an extent but you’re still sinning. Stay away from anything sexual till marriage guys then you’ll have the rest of your life to have sex.

    1. Well if that sort of technicality is the focus, then maybe “being a virgin” shouldn’t be the standard. Are you/we treating “older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters in all purity?”

      Purity isn’t a line – it’s a direction.

  2. Isn’t that the truth!

    The whole problem is this idea of long courtships to ‘get to know’ one another.

    But Lori, it doesn’t come from the daters though. It comes from the families.

    I could have easily married my husband almost immediately. I just knew, even my Dad knew! My mom was in troublemaking mode and my Dad simply said, “He is definitely marrying her.
    He loves her.”

    But my husband’s family was truly awful…still are in fact!

    This isn’t something you need to change with the people dating (when your with the right person, you just know), it’s something you need to change with the parents.

    Sex ed and Marriage ed for Parents of soon to be Teenagers

  3. Hello Mrs Lori, I know it is really late, but I was reaching out to you because I am really struggling applying biblical womanhood in my marriage. I have the basics down when it comes to homemaking, but I am really having a hard time respecting my husband and loving him tenderly. I would really love your advice, prayer, and council to help me get to the next step as a woman in my marriage. I really admire you and look up to what you are doing. I would love to have you as a mentor if you do not mind or if you are not busy. I know you are helping a ton of women around the world, and I would be very appreciative and thankful if you could help me to. I was never taught how to be a wife and a mother and this is my first and only marriage and I want it to be my last. Thank you for your time, With Love -Mrs White

    1. Asher, I am experiencing the same thing as you described and have a very similar story. I just want to pray for you and I believe that the more we lay down our flesh to be more like Him, the Lord will help guide us in our marriage!

  4. “I strongly believe that a young couple who becomes engaged should marry quickly in order to keep their purity.”

    Wise words. Once a couple knows that God’s will is for them to marry, they should not put it off longer than necessary. I believe this is one of the reasons our culture has dishonored sex. They reject marriage for all trappings and none of the commitment.

  5. There are so many sacred cows that one doesn’t question because they’re a part of one’s culture – long engagements are one of these. I never would have considered a shorter courtship or engagement, because it was my lifelong experience that these stages took years. We had a long dating/engagement (two and a half years), and it was a bad, bad, BAD idea. Yes, you have to know someone, but pushing the time out unnecessarily is a recipe for disaster and sin.

  6. Very good post! But this raises a question that’s been troubling me and my husband. Since all sexual acts fall under the category of sex, even if no vaginal sex occurs, is it a sin for me to perform any sexual acts with my husband while I’m on my period? Leviticus 20:18 says the reason it’s a sin is because of the “fountain of blood,” but Levicus 18:19 simply says not to have sex.

    1. We are no longer under the Law, Rose. Christ died to free us from it and ushered in the New Covenant of grace. It’s between you and your husband what you want to do while on your period.

      1. We are under the Covenant of Grace, yes. But sexual purity is still something God commands us for today. So, shouldn’t the command to abstain from sex while I’m on my period still remain? I don’t see why it wouldn’t.

        1. You can still have “sex” during your period. No, not intercourse but there are other ways to have sex that aren’t dangerous (like anal sex) and can bring pleasure to both.

          1. I was thinking that, but I was hoping you knew a Bible passage that explains this because I haven’t been able to find one. I usually take the “better safe than sorry” approach when it comes to Scripture, and since God never really explained why He forbids sex while I’m on my period, I’m a bit stuck. I know it’s not fun to have vaginal sex while I’m hurting, but I don’t see a reason for God to forbid it, and it would be nice to be able to do other things.

          2. Hi there Lori, are you saying anal sex is Biblically okay? Sorry, I just wasn’t to sure and haven’t heard of it before!
            Thank you in advance!
            Love and Blessings. 💞💞💞

          3. NO, it’s not okay. It’s VERY dangerous for all. I have changed a few things that the women said in the post to make sure that people know that anal sex (sodomy) is NOT okay. I am sorry I didn’t catch this before publishing, Jilly. I have been consistent on this issue ever since I began writing.

          4. Kaka, I think you mean well, but what you say is umbilical. You can’t ignore God just because your husband wants you to do something. If my husband wanted me to get a tattoo to be more appealing to him, I would have to say , “No, God forbids it.” Thid issue is no different.

        2. As married women, our bodies belong to our husbands, and their bodies belong to us. 1 Corinthians 7 is very clear on this. So what does your husband want to do when you have your period? Mine wants intimacy in some form, every single day and would not be willing to go without it while I have my period. Denying him because of an Old Testament verse that doesn’t apply to us anymore is not honouring our husbands.

          1. I think there is a deeper issue here (no pun intended), than just personal preference. In Leviticus we are told, “18 And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people.” Scripture repeatedly tells us that life in the blood. In the book of Acts there are only three things that were specifically called out as being carried over from the Old Laws, “20 But that we write unto them, that they abstain from pollutions of idols, and from fornication, and from things strangled, and from blood.” Blood was still to be avoided by the Gentiles.

            This is where my knowledge ends, but I think it is an important enough concept that it may be worth it to you to study it out.

    2. Hi Rose, I don’t know about a Bible verse that explains why we can’t have sex in our period, but I can give what scientists have found on the subject. Statistically speaking, Orthodox Jewish women have some of the lowest rates of cervical cancer in the world (after virgins and nuns). Their rates are even lower than monogamous married women. They found that during menses, a woman’s cervix is opens more, which increases the risk of infection with STDs, such as HIV and HPV. It is less firm during that time as well. They have also found that the pH of that particular organ increases, which makes it easier for yeast to grow. The risk of UTIs also increases. No, we don’t need scientific validation to know that we must obey the Word, but it is nice to have. I feel so honored that God loves His daughters enough to give us commands that will protect us from disease. He knew all this before man ever figured it out.

        1. I agree, Lori; I’m just telling you what the statistics said. And the stats were for cervical cancer, not HIV. I’m sorry I didn’t make that clear.

        2. I didn’t realize my comment was not clear; let me rephrase. When speaking of UTIs, HIV, etc., I was speaking merely of the physiology of the cervix at that time of the month. This is for women in general; I was not speaking of any demographic of women. She is more vulnerable then. That’s just the anatomy. As for the stats, I was surprised myself. But the stats ran that virgins, then nuns, then Orthodox Jewish women, then monogamous married women had lowest rates of cervical cancer. That’s all I was trying to say. I am a science geek; I find those sorts of things fascinating. I really was not trying to create problems.

          1. You didn’t create problems, Sarah. You pointed out a scientific study that suggests God’s design and protection of women’s bodies which align with His Word regarding sexual intercourse during a woman’s period.
            I find the study informative, thanks for sharing.

    1. No, kissing isn’t sinful BUT it does get the motors running so it can lead to sinful behavior outside of marriage. This is why some couples wait to kiss until their wedding.

      1. Thank you Lori, I didn’t think you did.
        I just can’t believe people could think that it is okay! Eww, Eww and Eww. I am embarrassed to say I had to look it up but wanted your input and was hoping no one else thought you agreed with it.
        I must have had a very shielded life (which I know I did my Mama and Daddy even in our 60 – 70 try to protect us girls) Another one I had to look up was oral sex and again Eww! That’s trully disgusting and I can’t believe that is in any way God’s plan for marriage! God is never found in perversions!
        I pray you and yours have a wonderful and blessed weekend!
        ❤❤❤

        1. Hi Jilly,

          Read your Bible, specifically Song of Solomon. There are a lot of references to oral sex acts, for both women and men. Of course no couple HAS to do acts they find “disgusting,” but it certainly doesn’t go against God’s plan for marriage.

          I wouldn’t just look it up on the internet — you will get a lot of debased pornographic actions. Use a Biblical reference.

          1. No, there is no oral sex in the Song of Solomon, Kate. You won’t find one commentary of old that says this verse is about oral sex. It’s only recently since it’s been twisted to mean this.

          2. Hi there Kate, I have read it and like Lori, I don’t see what you are trying to say at all. I think we need to read God’s Word in the light of the character of God and the knowledge of what is good, wholesome and respectful in all ways!
            Blessing to you and yours!
            💞💞💞

          3. Song of Solomon 2:3 and 4:16 both mention oral sex, although it’s unclear to me if it was sinful or not. What are your thoughts, Lori?

            As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

            Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.

        2. Oral is about foreplay and I’d say you are missing out if you think it is perverted. Women have been proven to require more than just missionary to orgasm. Our bodies were created with an organ with no other purpose but pleasure. It’s called a clitoris. When it is stimulated women orgasm. In order to stimulate it it requires touch of whatever variety. Not everything unusual is perversion. Anal is of course sodomy and an alternative for our homosexual friends to indulge in please not biblical. But pleasure in the marital bed is biblical.

  7. Newer to your blog, so my first question that arose while reading: “I believe you need to have strong convictions about this so that you can teach your daughters truth since they will be hearing a whole bunch of lies in culture about what sex is and what it is not.”

    What do you teach your sons? Or is it not a mother’s job to guide and influence her sons as well. Wondering what your view is, since women are singled out here.

    I also realize your quotes came from a chat and not authors (after re-reading), because when I saw this quote, I wanted to read more of this person’s perspective: “Making out is sexual. That’s why we’re disgusted to see two men doing it” (Lindsay)

    I don’t like put words in people’s mouths or make assumptions, but I assume Lindsay doesn’t believe gay people should marry? The two men kissing could be husbands.

    I did agree on the part about engagements, from a practical perspective at the very least. I would never say yes to someone if I wasn’t ready to marry them. And I always thought engagements should be short. I’ve known so many who were engaged for a year – or even five – and I never understood why. At that point, you’re just extending the dating period.

    1. Yes, we did teach our sons. My husband spoke to them about it and I gave them good books. I would encourage sexual purity to them often too.

      Yes, we are against same sex marriage. God is the Creator of marriage and He said it is to be between a man and a woman. Homosexuality is clearly sin in God’s Word.

  8. My husband and I had fooled around one time, cuddling and kissing and touching each other and after he made a comment about it being sex. I said it wasn’t sex, thinking it wasn’t because we didn’t have intercourse, and he replied, “Would you want your unmarried daughter to do that?”
    Good way to look at it 😁

      1. Growing up, my daughter was very close with our Pastor’s wife, when I had an inkling she was falling under peer pressure, I would tell her “Don’t do anything or say anything you wouldn’t want XXXX (Pastor’s wife) to know.” Made her rethink some things.

  9. Question: Can sex be separated from intercourse?

    From a biblical perspective, where in the bible is the word intercourse used? I see where the word sex and sin are used together when it is talking about sex outside the marriage.

    And nowadays it depends on who you are asking this question of and also when and who else is around when you ask this question.

    I am 59 yrs old so unfortunately I have seen and heard a lot, especially in the years that I have been a widower.Since this is a blog for women, I will only talk about what I have heard women saying.

    If a wife gets caught committing adultery or confesses it to her husband:
    *It wasn’t sex because it didn’t mean anything to her
    *It wasn’t sex because she didn’t have an orgasm
    *It wasn’t sex because he didn’t orgasm
    *It wasn’t sex because she later didn’t like it
    *It wasn’t sex because it was only oral
    *It wasn’t sex because it was only anal
    *It wasn’t sex because it was only her using her hand
    *It wasn’t sex because she was drunk at the time
    *It wasn’t sex because she was high on drugs at the time
    *It wasn’t sex because she called the other man by her husband’s name

    I also personally know of one case where the wife said she was a virgin on her wedding night. When finished she even came back from the bathroom with a tissue having blood on it, claiming it as a sign of her virginity to her husband. Turns out later it came out that there were many other guys before him.

    In my own case, my late wife (a rock solid “Christian” woman vouched for by 2 different preachers) had told me there was only one other guy in her past when we married when she was 35 yrs old. Again years later it comes out that there were many other guys before me and up to 5 guys after she married me.

    If you buy a new house, a new car, a new etc…….
    Does it matter that someone else has “slightly” used it a few times before you get it?????????

    Or even after you get married that someone else uses your wife (with her willingly participation) a few times?????????

    1. I just wanted to comment that bleeding is not a guarantee, or even a sign of virginity. This comes from the long (and very untrue) myth that every girl has a hymen that is supposed to “break” the first time she has sex. The hymen can vary in shapes and sizes but very rarely will a hymen cover the entire (or even most of the) vaginal opening. If this is the case, then it actually must be surgically corrected before menses begins. If a woman is properly lubricated and aroused, there should be no bleeding during sex. There is also no way to tell for sure if someone is or is not a virgin simply by physical examination.

  10. The following comment posted in the article is disgusting and wrong! Anal sex, even in marriage is wrong and against God’s word! “A man ejaculating with a woman in any form other than anal sex is something designated for marriage. There have always been prostitutes, but a righteous man is meant for his wife.” (Paige)

      1. The quote BD points out is still in the article as of 12:59
        EST.

        I would also caution Lindsay’s categorization of anal sex in her comment included with arousal techniques. That may appear to some as approved acts. You’ve made it clear you disagree, thankfully.

  11. I truly believe that even in most Christian marriages the marriage bed has become defiled. The trivial view of sex has trickled into the minds and hearts of many Christians and husbands and wives are bringing sin into their marriage bed every time they have sex because of birth control they No longer view sex as a beautiful intimate act to bring life into this world. Sex in most Christian marriages is no different than sex out side of marriage because of the skewed mindset toward sex. There would be a less sexual frustration in marriages if husband’s and wives saw sex as God does. Being able to have sex even in marriage using birth control cheapens the act because it feels that no responsibility has to be taken.

      1. That’s really sad. I’m “young” myself, only having just turned 27 a couple weeks ago, but that’s certainly not a view I hold. Then again, I have a lot of views people my age don’t necessarily have! 😂

      2. Sad but true. The reason anal sex is common among young people is because of pornography. By seeing anal sex so common among heterosexuals, it weakened arguments against homosexuality. Satan works all of this debauchery together to corrupt us.

  12. Lori, I just read on your Instagram about the death of your husband’s father. My prayers are with y’all during this difficult time. May God comfort your family.

  13. sex is only for married couples, nothing wrong with pleasuring your spouse. my husband says there is nothing more awesome for a man in bed than a husband being able to pleasure his wife.

    we were both virgins before marriage and I will be teaching our daughter the same way.

    im younger, and the perversions in school, etc were bad, but I never had the “temptations” when we were alone on our dates, we also kissed before marriage, its not that difficult to have self control. we even tried to plan the wedding so I wouldn’t be on my period, and still ended up on it 🙁 he didn’t care, he said, we waiting this long, we can wait another week.

  14. We live in a very sexed -up society, so much so that it has greatly influenced Christian marriages to the point where sex in marriage can become as sinful as the world’s view of sex. The only focus of sex in most marriages is for pleasure only and not making babies due to the use of birth control. Sex is an important part of a healthy marriage. However, there are many other aspects of marriage.

    1. How can sex in marriage be as sinful as the world’s view of sex? Sex in marriage is good, the Bible tells us that.

      God created sex, and He created it to be pleasurable. He created the clitoris (for the sole purpose of pleasure – it has no other use) and He created in us the ability to orgasm (purely for pleasure – a woman does not need to orgasm to get pregnant). He created us to find our husbands attractive and to *want* to bed them. I don’t understand why God would create us like this, and command us to not deprive each other, if He actually *did* want us to deprive each other. That doesn’t make any sense to me.

      Sexual pleasure isn’t limited to just tab A into slot B – it’s so much more than that! Exploring each others bodies with your spouse can be so much fun. Why would you want to limit that? Even worse, why would you want to limit that and claim it’s Biblical?

  15. Sex was made by God to bring husband and wife together and for them to join him in creating new life. Sexual pleasure was made to be a part of that – it was not meant to be a means to its own end outside of that and anything which takes us away from God’s purpose and design leads us on from one sin to another.

    Any deliberate sexual activity outside of marriage between man and women is sinful and anything which is not open to God’s blessing of life in the womb is sinful.

    A husband and wife physically unified in natural vaginal intercourse without birth control and open to life are fulfilling God’s purpose and the pleasure they feel is his reward. All else is sin and perversion.

  16. Technically speaking the bible does not define what sex is, nor terms like “sexual immorality”. We will not get a full list of activities that are allowed or forbidden. The closest we can come is that the bible talks about “lying together” in Lv 18 “You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.” Clearly, for a man it’s impossible to “lie” with a male as with a woman if “lie with” would mean vaginal intercourse, hence it must mean a broader term. That also means that sex is not limited to vaginal intercourse, but can include other activities. Another biblical way of speaking is that of becoming one flesh. Also here, that’s technically not defined, but we know that having sex with a prostitute will result in becoming one flesh. It does not say what kind of sex is involved, although usually it is assumed it involves vaginal intercourse, because of the strong connection between “one flesh” and getting offspring, which can only occur through vaginal intercourse.

  17. I had things to regret when I got married even though it was not even close to intercourse, but in my consciense I very well knew it was not good. I repented of it and know I am forgiven, but I am still sad that I have not really been pure. Unfortunately I know about many christian couples who also sinned one way or the other before marriage in spite of wanting to stay pure. Obviously its a big spiritual battlefield.
    I believe it all starts with what parents teach and model to their children from a young age, like dressing modest, or the difference between being in love and real love. Another thing is self discipline and not living by feelings. Its so much harder to learn as an adult. Then talking with your teenage children (12 or 13, not 17) openly about relationships and how things work…why you should never be alone in his / her room with your “boyfriend / girlfriend” and many other things that are considered normal today while they are really not. I strongly believe in being honest here (to some degree not in details) about ones’s own failures if there were any, rather than just give a big list of dont’s. Unfortunately many parents don’t have a good relationship with their teens so this kind of talk will never happen. I have always been proud seeing friends of my older brothers come to my dad and ask him all kinds of questions because he was open and took them serious.
    He also told me when i was quite young how men are strongly attracted by what they see, how I need to dress to not make them stumble and also not to look down on men because of it, cause after all its the way God designed them. I found it very helpful to be aware of these things, yet I almost never met any other girl or woman who was or is aware of it.
    Last but not least, if a man and a woman are really born again and by the power of the Holy Spirit seek to lead a holy life and please the Lord, I think they have the best chance to truly stay pure until they are married.
    And what a huge blessing is that!
    Its so sad to see teeagers take a wrong direction and way too often even christian parents let them have their way (14year olds dress like prostitutes…).
    A big part of the problem is not only the sin of fornication itself, but that it makes one blind and emotionally dependent and thus unable to choose wisely whom to marry or not…

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