Desiring to Promote Your Husband’s Happiness

Desiring to Promote Your Husband’s Happiness

Comments 30 comments

Let’s study God’s instructions to us about sexual relations in a marriage. 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 shows us clearly what these are. If you don’t like them, you will have to take it up with the LORD since I am simply teaching what He commands.

“Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” God forbids all sexual relationships outside of marriage. He wants one man to marry one woman. This is His plan for us. “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh” (Matthew 19:5). What this means is that sex is a very important part of marriage. It helps us to avoid fornication. Marriage is a safe and holy place where a man and woman can enjoy each other’s bodies.

“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.” What does due benevolence mean? The 1828 Webster Dictionary defines it this way: “The disposition to do good; good will; kindness; charitableness; a desire to promote another’s happiness.” Do you desire to promote your husband’s happiness? Do you have a disposition to do him good? Do you show him kindness? Men enjoy sex. IF you want to promote your husband’s happiness, do him good, and show him kindness, you will be available to him sexually.

Years ago, a bunch of my friends went on a trip together and during one dinner, we were talking about how often we have sex with our husbands. We had all been married for many years by this time so we were considered older women. One of the women piped up, “We have it every day!” Another woman asked her why and she quickly responded, “Because it makes him happy!” This woman promotes her husband’s happiness. I know this man. He is very happy with his wife!

“The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” Your husband has power over your body, women. Most women recoil at this idea. They want to be in control of their own body but God tells us that our husbands have power over our bodies. Therefore, we are not selfish with our bodies. We allow our husbands to freely enjoy our bodies. We don’t insist on having sex in the dark. Men are visual and your husband likes to see your naked body. Be naked and unashamed with your husband. This pleases God.

“Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” Defraud means to “deprive of right; to withhold wrongfully from another what is due to him; to defeat or frustrate wrongfully.” When you withhold sex from your husband, you are defrauding him and depriving him of what is rightfully his. This is sin, women. So many women do this to their husbands. I know. Ken hears from them often. This must not be the case with us! You are frustrating your husband wrongfully when you do this and withholding what is due him.

Look at the last phrase in this verse and why we should never deprive our husbands: “that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” This means that if we are withholding sex from our husbands, we are allowing Satan to tempt them. Do you want Satan to tempt your husband to look at porn or go have an affair? NO! Now, this is no guarantee that if you are available to him sexually, he won’t look at porn or have an affair BUT we are only accountable for our own actions and as far as it depends upon us, we don’t want to do anything that will allow Satan to tempt our husbands sexually.

God created sex for marriage to bring pleasure and produce children. This is very good. Satan distorts what God calls good, uses sex to destroy people’s lives, and convinces women to prevent having children. Satan has completely divorced sex from marriage and sex from having children in our culture. This is not from God. Sex is good and to be thoroughly enjoyed by married couples. Children are good and a beautiful fruit from sex between married couples. All of God’s ways are good, and acceptable, and perfect!

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
Proverbs 31:12

30 thoughts on “Desiring to Promote Your Husband’s Happiness”

  1. So many women only care for their own happiness, as I’ve said before in previous comments, expect to be treated like queens while their husbands treated like peasants! Honoring your husband is now anathema to the radical feminists, who want a lap dog rather than a strong man, a leader to protect and provide! What double standards it is that a wife and denigrate and deridingly joke about her husband behind his back and society laughs, yet if the husband ever did it, he’s labeled a sexist! When I marry, I will honor my role as wife, not make it into a big joke!

  2. I just want to add this: If you are having an actual physical problem with intimacy, such as bladder issues, pain, etc., first of all, be honest with your husband about it. Tell him what is going on. Second, be willing to seek help, go and see a doctor or health professional. A GYN or urology doctor/professional would be a good place to start. I know bladder issues have been discussed before, and I can speak from experience about this after child #3. Pain with intercourse is NOT normal and should be checked out.

    Also, if you’re too tired at night (especially when children are little), get creative with times and places! Sometimes mornings can work well, or if hubby is around, nap times!

  3. Lori, do you have any suggestions for women who wish to have better communication with their husbands in this area? I am so blessed that both me and my husband endeavor to “make each other happy” *wink* during sexual intimacy. However, what I hear from some in my circle is that although they are always available to their husbands, they don’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him that sexual relations aren’t pleasurable for them. How does a woman delicately suggest this to their husband, and if their husband does not care (Sadly I have heard this too), how to keep being available without feeling disrespected?

  5. Pain with intercourse can be normal for a woman past menopause, unfortunately, but the key is to always use a LOT of lubrication and decide that a little pain isn’t that big of a deal (IF it isn’t causing harm) and worth it to please one’s husband. And usually the first several times a woman has sex, it hurts a lot, plus times after childbirth even after healing from it but a bit of pain shouldn’t cause us to deprive our husbands. As an older woman who has lost almost all of her hormones due to a radiated and severely damaged pituitary and pushed into early menopause at 45 years old, I write with knowledge and experience about this issue.

    Bladder and kidney issues have healed right up with “Clear Tract” for me. (You can buy it on Amazon.) I have used it numerous times and it heals it up each time without fail and no side effects as with antibiotics. I always go for natural means before seeking medical advice. The body has an amazing ability to heal itself of most infections if given the right nutrition and supplementation.

    Concerning having little children and being too tired, I encourage young women to have quiet time each day for an hour or so in order for the young women to be able to rest, too. Also, put the children to bed early. Remind yourself that your husband comes first. Don’t forget his needs just because you’re too tired!

  6. A woman in the first situation should easily be able to explain to her husband how she would like to be pleasured. I believe most husbands wouldn’t mind a wife doing this at all!

    If he does not care, she needs to continue to obey God in this area. Her obedience to God needs to become more important to her than sexual pleasure or feeling respected by her husband. In 1 Peter 3:1, wives are told how they are to behave towards a husband who is disobedient. They are told to live in subjection to them with godly behavior. These women need to understand that their worth and value comes from God, not from their sexual pleasures or their husband’s respect or lack thereof.

  7. I would think that that is wrong no matter what! Why marry a man you don’t respect, and why deride one you purport to love forever??? Amazing how out of touch with morality radical feminists are!!!

  8. I will not be posting any more of the comments from women about their opinions, exceptions, and experiences when it comes to this post. These are unfruitful and waters down the message. I am simply teaching what the Word of God commands. How each couple and spouse responds to these commands is up to them. We will all be held accountable for our own actions, not those of our spouse’s. Every exception doesn’t need to be discussed in detail. Most women need to hear and be taught the perfect and clear commands of God without being given a lot of exceptions.

  9. Why marry a man you don’t respect… ?

    That’s not how it works. He would have never even considered marrying her if she didn’t show him some respect while she was dating him. The problem lies in that, after trapping the man into marrying her by showing him respect, once he is hers, she cruelly, selfishly, and foolishly, chooses to no longer value and respect him. He most likely did not really change after marriage in any way to deserve to be punished so harshly for marrying her. She just quit giving him his due respect, since our culture, led by our churches, clearly teaches not to respect husbands as the Bible commands wives to do. His only change was likely to react negatively(which is appropriate) to the unexpected disrespectful treatment he is now continuously receiving.

    I can’t blame unsaved men for using most “modern” women as sex toys and then discarding them. They know the sex, respect, and submission, all usually drop to nearly nothing shortly after marriage, and then after being relationally defrauded for years, your kids, home, and future earnings, are eventually all stolen from you. Many foolish women are now being repeatedly used, devalued, and disrespected by a long list of men, before they even get the chance to use, devalue, and disrespect that one special man who marries them. SMH Feminism has destroyed the dream of a traditional Family for most people, exactly as it set out to do, with the aid of “seeker friendly” churches that are ashamed of God’s word.

    Sorry if that sounds cynical, But when foolish people defy God, nothing goes well for anybody. A society defying God’s loving commands, is people kicking against the goads, it results in a hard knock life, and then eternal judgment. We all need to repent of our wickedness and cry out to God against the selfish sins of our generation. You can’t escape from all the fools, you can only separate yourself from their folly and their judgment.

  10. Amen to the whole article!

    And thank you for not giving in to a bunch of caveats and exceptions, that God did not feel needed to be given in His word. The excuses and backpedaling from what God gives as the desired state, are usually signs of people either being ashamed of God’s word, or just not wanting to obey it. Those who think God’s word needs to be constantly defended with excuses caveats and exceptions, obviously don’t have a right understanding of why God gave His word. Part of why God sent his word is to convict us. Those who try to soften the blow, are dishonest flatterers, watering down God’s word for personal gain. There are creative ways women could please their husbands if they cared to try to fulfill their side of the marriage vows with something other than excuses.

  11. @Elias, I blame Hollywood for a lot of the crazy, unrealistic notions that women bring into their marriages. I was a bit older when I married; that helped me keep my expectations realistic and it gave me time to delve deeply in to the Word. I was also blessed with a mother who impressed on me how very important it was to respect and never belittle a man. I can still hear her voice saying those words.

  12. I was told to Pray about intimacy with my husband. After all God created it! And boy, does it work. It feels a little awkward at first. But after a while it feels natural to pray about it. Wonderful article Lori

  13. I know you’ve taught on this area before, Lori and thankyou for it. It’s not an easy nor comfortable topic to discuss.

    My heart is bleeding for personal friends whose Christian marriage is severely under the evil one’s attack right now. Without going into the details of the breakdown of this marriage, one of the reasons is exactly what was explained above. The marriage bed was defrauded. He had dabbled in porn before becoming a Christian, and returned to the hard stuff after having marriage bed issues for many years. This led to affairs. He begged his wife to have sex with him for years. Ladies, do NOT with hold yourselves from your husbands. Exactly what God’s Word says, WILL happen in your marriage. The thing is, my friend still loves his wife so very much, and she loves him the same. But…. you can’t undo the effects of sin on your lives. Trust has been severely broken. She’s angry, withdrawn and hurting beyond belief. He’s incredibly repentant, but he’s been hiding this and deceiving for so long, his conscience is seared. His ability to determine between right and wrong is so warped. Lines of communication are almost non-existent. Their children are suffering so badly.

    This couple wants to stay together and make it work, but their road to recovery will be a struggle. Satan is a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour, and he’s not stopping on this couple.

    So, please, obey these Scriptures. Be in the Word. Put on your armor everyday (Ephesians 6), and above all pray. Pray for your husbands and sons daily as they are bombarded by every phone, computer, TV screen out there in this sin soaked world. If you’re in the same shoes as my friends, FIGHT for your marriage like crazy. Lay down your pride and seek good Christian counsel. Remember that God is faithful and will keep His promises.

  14. I agree that women need to be generous with their husband’s desires in order to strengthen the relationship. My husband says that, for him, sex is how he feels loved. We have found that aging and disability can affect that relationship and its closeness. My husband and I have found that a sense of humor about the situation, ability to talk directly about problem areas in a loving and supportive way, along with a willingness to find creative ways to remain close goes keeps the marriage happy. I have learned that is is better to bend in some areas to lessen the danger that your marriage will break.

  17. This topic is joked about in TV shows where the wife threatens to withhold sex from the husband if he did something she didn’t like. It’s just downright ridiculous and how ungodly tv shows have gotten.

  18. This is why I watch very little TV. I refuse to watch anything where women are continually angry and upset with the men or trying to manipulate them in some way. It truly is disgusting!

  19. Great post!

    As a man, I believed that one had to wait for marriage to have relations, and that marriage was for children, with birth control not being endorsed by scripture.

    I liked plenty of women, and was handsome and affable enough. I also was responsible, avoided drugs and alcohol, and was a good provider. However, I wasn’t going to pursue a woman unless I recognized she knew God and didn’t believe in birth control.

    After waiting for 33 years, with occasional lapses into masturbation and porn, I finally grew exhausted, and lost my virginity with a Rahab. This led to two years of massive falls in this area, which left me miserable and wracked by guilt. I finally got out, though God punished me severely.

    Now, I’m content to wait, at 39. I see the effects of impatience and discontent.

    However, had I lived in a society like 1942, where porn was illegal along with abortion and contraception, and women were encouraged to be stay at home mothers and have children, I’m convinced I would have married at 19 or 20. Instead of being alone and childless at 39, I’m persuaded I’d have at least 10 children and be happily married. While having a wife who is sexually available isn’t a total remedy to a man’s lust, it sure is a powerful helper to alleviating it.

    We live in a death culture. We used to live in a life culture.

    Mourning past sin is a part of repentance.

    Young women are encouraged to get an education and a career, and it’s expected that young men will simply take care of their sexual desires on their own. Not how it works. It creates weak men, as I can attest from having been one.

    I absolutely love these posts, and share them with any woman I am interested in. Their response lets me know if they are marriageable or not.

    There is a dearth of older men mentoring younger men and older women mentoring younger women into being good husbands and wives, respectively.

    The backbone of America was the church and marriage, and both are under severe attack.

  20. Totally agree Elias, as a fellow man.

    And Emily is so right as well.

    Hollyweird and hellivision are destroying marriage and the church. I never watch any movies, and have no hellivision. Never bought one in my life, but still saw plenty of garbage on it.

    Also, our nation needs to ban porn, contraception, abortion, and homosexuality again. The Declaration of Independence says that our laws come from nature and nature’s God. As such, nature and nature’s God forbid porn, contraception, abortion, and homosexuality.

    ‘An unjust law is no law at all’ Augustine

    ‘Because We have no Government armed with Power capable of contending with human Passions unbridled by morality and Religion. Avarice, Ambition, Revenge or Galantry, would break the strongest Cords of our Constitution as a Whale goes through a Net. Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious People. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.’
    John Adams

  21. Lori,
    I looked up ‘clear tract’ on Amazon, and they have a powder or capsule. Do you recommend one in particular? I’ve been suffering with chronic UTI for a year now since having a bladder sling surgery. My doctor has been threatening to keep me on antibiotics all the time. I’ve been drinking cranberry juice and taking AZO, but it hasn’t fixed it. I’d try anything to avoid antibiotics at this point. Thanks.

  24. I completely agree – it always seems to me that people search endlessly to find exceptions and excuses to pick away at God’s clear commands and justify sin.

  25. Elias nailed it.

    And no, I cannot blame Hollywood [as noted by another commenter]. Hollywood was given endorsement by the church in no different fashion than Hitler was endorsed by the German church.

  26. Lori’s point in the comment section about moving away from experiences and sticking to Scripture is life; moving from carnal to Spiritual. If not, the woman very effectively choses to discard Christ, to deny Christ the Word.

    And, “If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you” in John 15:18. Think of the principle in this women: that hate can be a lukewarmness also. If you hate [oppose] your husband, even in a lukewarmness to them, it is because you first hate Christ or you are first lukewarm to Christ.

    With Christ, you are either for Him or against Him [Matt 12:30]. Same with your husband; he senses even your subtle lack of interest in him. Consider “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her…” in Prov 31:11 [ask your husband if he trusts in you. Then ask him again, because he may not know how to express it].

    Next, think of the bride in Song of Solomon: she was all over her man in an explicitly physical way. Certainly, how this is shown may somewhat change with age and circumstance, but I see nowhere in Scripture that it would materially decline or effectively stop [similar to men who are commanded to be thrilled with the wife of their youth: I’m thrilled with my 67 year old wife of 40 years; you are beautiful as you age women if you reasonably take care of yourself].

    Lastly, consider 1 Cor 11:7: it is clear that the man is to glorify God directly, and in that verse Paul notes by association that the root of the man’s ENTHUSIASM to glorify God is the woman’s ENTHUSIASM to glorify him. The woman, desiring to glorify all aspects of her man [and men in general] clearly passes on her glory to God through her husband. I suggest the woman has no higher calling than to [get married and] glorify her man.

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