Christian Wives’ Bad Thinking

Christian Wives’ Bad Thinking

Written By Ken

The bad thinking of the world that many Christian wives have adopted:

“My husband’s role is to meet my needs. I may not know exactly what those ‘needs’ are, and they certainly will change from time to time, but any loving husband will try to chase down my perceived needs and make me ‘feel’ better about myself and our relationship. After all, he is to love me like Christ loves the Church.”

“Men need to understand that women are often not looking for solutions to their problems, but just a friend to talk to. Just listen to me, and wait until I ask for a solution before giving it to me. Most of all, don’t use the Bible as it’s demeaning to me for you to quote scripture for everything and makes me feel disrespected and unheard.”

“Sure, God wants the wife to submit to her husband, but a husband has to try to make himself worthy of her respect and submission. It’s easy to love and submit to a husband who loves you the right way, but if we are not connected, how do you expect a wife to submit?”

What is the problem with each of these? The wife sets herself up as judge and jury of what works in a marriage with disregard for what God says. And unfortunately, this thinking is far too often taught in our church marriage and communications classes. “Hath God said…?” is not just a lie of Satan in the garden, but the fundamental lie at the root of the unhappiness for many Christian wives. A commitment to doing things God’s ways means allowing one’s husband to lead and using God’s Word as the judge and jury, not the lies of modern psychology and human relations.

It is ironic that the things that many Christian wives desire most in their marriage are prevented by their own bad thinking and inability to be vulnerable to God and their husband. They want their “needs” met, but they will not let their husband in to meet those needs of love, protection and leadership, because it means giving up control and most of all, giving up feeling that they are right when they are wrong.

Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5

14 thoughts on “Christian Wives’ Bad Thinking

  1. I get so tired of seeing teenage girls post the ridiculous memes that they put on facebook, you know the ones that always imply that a man isn’t WORTHY of you unless he treats you like a queen. It’s disgusting really and I honestly feel sorry for any man that winds up marrying someone that believes that. These parents that raise these “princesses” should be ashamed of themselves. These same girls that post this also post memes that talk about what they “deserve”, I just want to say “Sweetie, you deserve to die for your sins (along with the rest of us), but thankfully Christ paid that price for all of us, and now I want to ask you What does the guy deserve?” He deserves a girl that will treat him with respect and not be treated like a child or an idiot because he doesn’t live up to “YOUR” expectations of what a man is—and honestly, some women these days aren’t really wanting a man, they want a man that is feminized and more lady like and “in tune” with his feelings, in other words, a man that thinks like she does and lets emotions lead him. I for one am glad my husband does not lead with emotions and that he is a man. God created us different for a reason, and man and woman compliment each other beautifully.

    To be honest though, sadly I probably felt the same when I first got married. Raised with all boys and not really treated as a female, I thought I could do anything a guy could do and would go to great links to prove it. For several years into our marriage, I am absolutely ashamed to say that I expected my husband to know what I was thinking and what I needed at all times and to always be lovey-dovey and he quite frankly refused to put up with my nonsense, so of course with coworkers whispering in my ear that I didn’t have to put up with it, it made my thinking even worse. Thankfully, my husband allowed me to quit work and once I read CTBHH, things changed. I finally realized that I was so wrong, and that even though I didn’t want to, God called me to submit to my husband. To obey him. So I did, but with a bad attitude, with an attitude of “Ok God your word says I have to submit, but look what he said”. Thankfully, God wasn’t through with me, and even with submitting with a bad attitude, things started to change. Then when the attitude got right, things got even better. And of course, just when I think I have it all figured out, God throws another couple words at me—- honor and respect. Ladies, if you think submission changes things, you should try honor and respect in ALL things. I began praying that God help me to honor and respect my husband in all things, especially my thoughts, because I know if my thoughts are honoring to my husband, then my actions and deeds will be as well. I am so very blessed and God just keeps showing me more and more how great His plan is. It is amazing to me that He has changed me so much. I think back to the old me, and I wish I could go back and shake myself when we first got married. But hind sight is 20/20. Thankfully, I have Mrs. Lori’s blog, her book and CTBHH to keep me straight. When my marriage starts to feel “tense” I will go back and re-read these books and blog posts to make sure I am not straying from my calling. And if I am to be honest again, 9 times out of 10, I have let myself fall into bad thinking and it affects everything.

    1. You’re welcome, Rebecca! Ken not only lived with me when I lived this way for many years but now he is mentoring husbands who are married to women like this. It’s very difficult and sad to see.

  2. I read this over the weekend and following yesterday’s guest se mom at church I started thinking. What if you changed the words a bit. Instead of “husband” we make it “God” or “Christ”. Instead of “wife” we make it “believer” or better yet “church”. We start seeing that we are painting God into these boxes we have defined and not letting Him work through us as individuals and as bodies of believers.

    For the first comment we tell God how He is to love us. Tied with that is the horror we get when we are reminded of His Word and the associated punishment or chastisment for not following His solutions. And the third statement is so true, I hear from non-Christians and some Christians “How can I follow a God who I cannot respect because He does not love me the way I think He is to love me?” Or the best “If God is such a loving God how can He allow such and such of bad thing to happen to me or to us?”

    Just something more to think about.

    1. I completely agree Tiny Tim,

      When I was struggling for years to try and get Lori to see her bad thinking, I would plead with the Lord over it asking Him to open her eyes. The response I sensed from Him was something similar to what you say, as He would remind me that her lack of love, respect and submission was the same I was giving to Christ in too many areas of my life :{. So you are spot on with your comments.

      I will add that truth stands on its own without needing our personal behavior or attitudes to match it. In other words, a husband’s own spiritual battles is not justification for a wife to sin and go against God’s clear Word in how she relates to her husband.

      “Well, you are not perfect either” is just a self-justifying excuse and sends the relationship further into its crazy cycle until one or the other or both decides to start doing things God’s ways, irregardless of what the other spouse does or says. It’s the only way out and into an abundant and satisfying marriage and life… God’s ways are always best.

  3. I would like to comment on this, my wife is holding over my head many hurtful experiences we have had in the past. I know I need to give her time to heal, but she places 100% of the blame on me and feels completely justified with every bad attitude and action she does now. I am frustrated because I feel she is using the past as a way to derail the future. I don’t really know what more I can do but pray that God opens her eyes, but at the same time, I must guard my own heart against temptation.

  4. Ken,

    I think women are told all the time that they need to allow their husbands to lead. That is the problem. Read that first sentence over and over.

    Now read this. Submit to your husband in everything. Follow him. Help him. Support him. Encourage him.

    Women, and I believe you on this blog, have written that women do not need to submit to their husbands if __insert straw man here____.
    This allows wives the idea that they can decide that ______insert request or area the husband wants to lead____ is a sin with the pastor’s support and other women’s support.

    Pastors do nothing but muddle God’s word in women’s hearts and will be accountable to God for what they have done and continue to do.

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