The Power of Silence

The Power of Silence

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The other day, I tweeted this: “She pours so much love and grace upon him that he can’t help loving her. When he’s short with her and may say something cruel to her, she may shed a few tears but she never returns his words with anger or gives the silent treatment, but forgives quickly and pours grace and love upon him.” Oh, and did this offend some women as usual. They can’t stand the idea of being silent in the face of ill treatment and even called this abusive behavior by the husband. But women, this is God’s perfect prescription for us!

Women who fight this are fighting God’s will for us. “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear” (1 Peter 3:1,2). Pouring love and kindness upon a husband who is not perfect is God’s prescription for wives. And who has a perfect husband? Are you perfect? No! You want love and grace poured upon you from your husband. We are told to treat others how we want to be treated so try God’s methods instead of your own and see if He knows better than you.

“Shouldn’t women be able to confront their husbands if their feelings are hurt?” Women don’t need to be taught to confront their husbands. The vast majority already do. They need to be taught how to not have their feelings hurt and to win their husbands to themselves without words of disappointment and disgust. You will never be able to argue your husband into treating you better or loving you more. Never. It’s your kind and loving actions that have a much better chance at winning him than anything you can say, unless you’re saying words of encouragement and kindness.

So how does a woman become this type of woman who can control her tongue and not respond in anger towards her husband? The key is to know who she is in Christ, that she is filled with His Spirit that works mightily within her, and that she can do all things through Christ who strengthens her. She needs to be in God’s Word consistently, renewing her mind with truth and being transformed by His Word. She needs to learn to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. “No, I don’t need to respond to his harsh words by giving him the silent treatment or responding with anger. I can trust that God will change my husband while I learn to be a wife who pours grace and love upon him.” There’s NOTHING more powerful than a transformed life.

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
Romans 12:2

32 thoughts on “The Power of Silence”

  1. Amen I couldn’t imagine having a wife who constantly went back and forth me, always being contentious. I’m not saying never give your opinion or speak up but the majority of the time being quiet and having a cooperative spirit is all that is needed.

  2. Amen.

    Women who confront, contend, argue, fight with, and try to manipulate and/or punish their husbands do NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, but make the situation worse.

    It makes about as much sense as putting more wood on a fire in hopes of putting it out. It will just make it burn longer and hotter.

    This is but one of the many ways that women are their own worse enemies AND how they tear their houses down with their own hands.

  3. I think in general most women just love to hear themselves talk-I know my mom did! I’m really introverted and don’t really talk much in general-which my husband appreciates. He always says it’s easy to know when I’m really concerned about something because I’ll bring it up to him. I just don’t feel any need to talk incessantly to anyone, really, much to my mother’s displeasure. But especially to my husband.

  4. Dear Lori, I needed this today. It definitely has to be His Spirit working mightily within us. When we humbly submit to His will in this area, we are going to find an outpouring of grace from above. No man can tame the tongue; it is an unruly evil. Thanks be to God for the victory He can give through the Lord Jesus Christ!

  5. In my experience (married 26 years) if my husband says something unkind to me in an angry voice, one of two things is happening:

    1. I did something wrong. I wait until he’s finished admonishing me and I apologize (sincerely). Even if his anger is out of proportion to what I’ve done, I say nothing outside of the apology. I do not fall into the trap of “But you did this! I’m not the only one who is wrong!”

    2. He is upset about something that has absolutely nothing to do with me and just needs to vent his anger/frustration. That’s fine, we all need that. I cry in the shower, (so no-one knows), he may snap at me. In that case, I say absolutely nothing. I am glad he trusts me enough to vent when he needs to and knows that I will still always be his loving, submissive wife.

    Arguing with your husband is not only a waste of time, it shows a lack of submission.

  7. Yes, there’s a time and a place but it needs to be done with much prayer and wisdom, and with love and kindness. It shouldn’t be often. It should be a rare event.

  11. Hi Avril,
    No, I don’t think I’ve ever confronted my husband. To me, that reeks of disrespect. I do not confront him, argue with him or admonish him.

    When I’ve needed to tell him about something about our marriage that was bothering me, I’ve done it when he is NOT angry. When my husband is angry enough to shout at me, he can’t listen. If he says something that indicates he has misunderstood something I did, I usually wait at least 24 hours and I start like this:

    “I know you were very angry at me yesterday, and I don’t blame you, but can I say something?” If he says no, well, that’s the end of it. If he says yes, (and he almost always does) I’ll explain my side. The misunderstanding is always resolved.

    If I want to talk to him about something he did/said that is bothering me and has nothing to do with our marriage, I’ll start with: “I’m confused about something, can you help me?” And then ask about the thing that is bothering me. I make it very clear that I don’t blame him or think he was wrong, I just don’t get it. And sometimes I have changed his mind, just by asking questions.

  12. I disagree. I don’t think a wife EVER has reason to confront her husband in ANYTHING. No where in the Bible does it ever say its okay for a woman to do this or give an opinion on ANYTHING, even if its with a gentle manner. A wife’s role is to follow her husband’s lead in everything. Her opinion doesn’t matter. i don’t mean this meanly or rudely…but it just doesn’t. As a wife of 30 years, I’ve lived this and know this. it’s 100% not important to me at least to have an opinion — it may seem important to some in the short term — but in the long-term most issues are superficial at best.

  14. “You will never be able to argue your husband into treating you better, or loving you more.” If only I knew this as a young bride. I learned over the years that the more I submitted the better everything goes. He is absolutely way more in love and treats me so much better when I am submissive. He is a very masculine man, (not abusive) which is why I fell for him in the first place.

  15. Amen, you are a very wise wife and one with the heart full of love and the desire to be helpful in all areas, even the difficult ones. May God bless you for your obedience and faithfulness.

  16. Lori, I am probably not your intended audience, and I have not entered your chatroom on Facebook since I am not a believer and I don’t think you want non-believers there. But even so I want to thank you most sincerely for providing me with such comfort. I come here to read every day. I have written before and thanked you because before Christmas my husband wanted to leave me and our two children – the youngest only three months at the time. But because of what you’ve taught me, I asked him for every single reason he would want to leave and I was able to change things around completely. It’s been most of a year now and our marriage is stronger than ever. I am truly enjoying being a submissive wife and also I am very much enjoying the leader this is enabling my husband to be. It makes me content and happy living this way and it’s not an effort as the rewards are so evident. Listening to our elders is far too little done in this time, and it is a shame. Thank you very much Lori, and also Ken, for modelling to me what I would like our marriage to be.

  17. I am not sure “confront” is the right word.

    Websters 1828 dictionary defines “Confront” as:
    CONFRONT, verb transitive [Latin]
    1. To stand face to face in full view; to face; to stand in front.
    2. To stand in direct opposition; to oppose.
    3. To set face to face; to bring into the presence of; as a accused person and a witness, in court, for examination and discovery of the truth; followed by with.
    4. To set together for comparison; to compare one thing with another.

    I guess it (could) depend upon which definition above you were thinking of.

    When you think of a marriage in the light of Ephesians 5:32, where Paul explains that marriage should be a living representation of the relationship between Christ and the church (where the husband represents Christ and the wife represents the church), is there ever a situation where it’s appropriate for the church to “confront” Christ?

    How can you submit to your husband in EVERYTHING and “confront” him at the same time? (Ephesians 5:24)

    Would it be “reverencing” your husband (treating him with the utmost respect mingled with fear) to “confront” him? (Ephesians 5:33b)

    When you see Peters admonition (1 Peter 3:1-2) for a wife to submit to her husband, WITHOUT A WORD, even if he is being disobedient to The Word, does that sound like it would ever be appropriate for a wife to “confront” her husband?

    That said, would it be appropriate for her to talk to her husband, share her concerns, even make a plea for additional consideration or reconsideration in some circumstances? I think that the church does that with Christ on a regular basis but “confront” Him? I have a hard time thinking of a situation where it would be appropriate for me to “confront” my Lord (owner and master) in ANY of the above definitions.

  18. Hello Lori (or anyone else who can answer),

    I know that it is biblical to have a meek and quiet spirit, but what if your male head of household says otherwise? I’m a single young woman, adopted by the by my uncle and his family in my late teenage years, who lives in their home. My uncle’s entire immediate family is very loud and talkative, but particularly my uncle! He asks and literally insists that everyone, including all females living in the household, proclaim their opinions at the dinner table, when we all eat together. Not just opinions about mundane issues, but things like current events and politics. My uncle wants us to proclaim any opinion, from left wing to right wing. He wants the whole family to participate in essentially debates at the dinner table. I am quite loud, but right wing, so I had no issues with talking about controversial topics and politics as my uncle insists. But after reading this article, I don’t know what to think! Am I sinning by doing this, because it doesn’t seem to be biblical, my uncle aka male head, insists that I debate. What should I do in this situation?

    I also go to a Christian college (on financial aid as I am was/am? an orphan, so I don’t have debt) and there I am taking classes where discussions and debates are mandatory. I even sometimes talk to the professors, obviously right wing at this school, and ask them to learn more about various topics that we covered in class or current events. Is this unbiblical behaviour? I should also clarify, I am in school because my uncle wants me to attend.

    Finally, my country may have an emergency federal election (not the USA as most commenters here) soon. Our government is turbulent right now, hence the potential election, and is essentially a two party system at the national level, with one left wing party and the other is right wing. My uncle is right wing himself, but fed up with both parties and doesn’t plan on voting in the potential upcoming election. He says that me and his wife, the adult females in the household, he doesn’t care what we do, for what party we vote for if we vote at all. I was going to vote for the mainstream right wing party, but now I’m not sure what to do. My uncle does not clearly support them, but has no objection to me voting for the mainstream right wing party. I should note that there are a number of other tiny parties, from the entire political spectrum, running federally, but they realistically don’t have a chance of winning. The only two realistic choices are the mainstream left and right wing parties. This article made me hesitant about the election, who should I vote for or should I even vote?

  19. In this post, I am writing to married women. It’s fine in discussions to state your opinions as long as you aren’t loud and so strongly opinionated that you may say something you regret that is unkind or mean. There are many verses about learning to control the tongue. May the word of our mouth and the meditations of our heart be acceptable to you, Oh, Lord. (I love this verse.)

  20. God bless you, Michaela. I can certainly sympathize with your situation, though I am so blessed to have a husband who has literally never raised his voice to me in over 6 years of marriage. I can imagine that would be a very emotional thing to experience. God bless

  23. Wow Lori, you set me straight with this. I have been doing well, but I must confess last night, I was awful towards my husband at dinner. I usually would not say anything to my husband in public, but for whatever reason I was a nag. I had to outwardly apologize and repent. It was minor, but prior to us getting out the car my husband gave me a card to run into Publix. I still don’t know where the card is and when he went to pay for dinner at the table with everyone he didn’t have the card. I told him I am working on silence more and that I don’t need to control everything. I confessed with my mouth to God the desire to do better and be better as well as to my husband. I’m on medicine for an infected tooth, my husband said, “we will blame that on the medicine because you have never embarrassed me like that before” striving to be better and seek guidance from the Lord.

  24. wow this just about made me cry. God bless you and your family Alexandra. Lori is a seasoned woman of faith and she has much wisdom to impart. I am here for it

  25. I submit to and obey my husband in everything. He makes each and every decision in our house. On rare occasions when he asks my opinion I always answer “whatever you think baby.” I Love to be taken care of and and totally fine with not being a part of making decisions. We have had a great marriage for nearly 25 years now and I wouldn’t want things any other way!

  26. My husband is blunt and speaks his mind. If he has a bad day, our entire family knows it. It took me years to understand that sometimes he is venting or fuming about something at work. I am not responsible for his anger or hostility. I have learned not to take it personally because trying to defend myself or justify my actions only leads to frustration and more anger on his part. He also struggles with health issues and the discomfort of this can also lead to irritation and a sharp retort. I apologize if I do wrong, but no longer need to take responsibility for something that I had no part in. Marriage is much calmer since I chose to quit justifying my actions.

  27. Thanks for sharing, El. I had to laugh at what your husband said to you. . . It sounds like something my husband would say. I strive never to embarrass him though I’m sure it happens occasionally.

  28. Thank you for commenting, Alexandra. As you’ve seen in your own marriage, God’s ways are best. I would encourage you to watch the YouTube channel Living Waters and watch Ray Comfort minister to unbelievers. I pray your heart will be soft and you will be open to receiving Jesus. ♥️

  29. I have at times had to confront my husband in serious matters. I tried to pray before and do it with love but I have to be honest when he responded I crumbled. The pain was so great that I just sobbed and cried. I don’t argue with him over stupid things like laundry in the hamper or toothpaste caps left off. That stuff doesn’t even matter.

    I do love him and have so much respect for him even with all the problems we have. And you are right Lori he doesn’t even know what to say when I love him after all that has happened in our marriage he just cries.

  30. Anytime we feel we need to approach our husband on a matter, I think much wisdom needs to be used. We need to check our own motives and examine our own hearts and ask God for direction on the matter. And then it’s important to broach the matter privately and in a calm and respectful manner. The only time I would immediately alert my husband to something is if there was an immediate danger he didn’t see coming. But that is exceptionally rare. My husband always tells me the more words spoken the more our words and opinions lose their value. I have little problem bringing issues before my husband, but it should be few and far between, NEVER done flippantly or hastily and always respectful and privately.

  32. KAR, as a wife of 34 years, I dissent. There are situations that must be confronted if a life is at risk. I am not a contentious wife; I loathe arguing. But as I type this, my husband is on day seven of an alcoholic bender. I would not wish this experience on anyone. I have asked him, gently, what his plans are. I have told him that he needs medical help to detox. To no avail. Tonight I will confront. And the deputies will escort him to the hospital for a 72 hour hold. I am his next of kin and have a duty to ensure his safety. THIS ISSUE IS NOT SUPERFICIAL.

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