A Message For Wives Who are Depriving Their Husbands
If you haven’t noticed, I like to be blunt in my teaching; teaching that is straightforward. I like teachers who are blunt in their teaching. I don’t need to be coddled, and I certainly don’t want my ears tickled (2 Timothy 4:3). This kind of teaching never helped me. It was Debi Pearl’s blunt teaching that finally helped me. She told me exactly where I was at fault in my marriage.
It’s probably why I love the Apostle Paul’s teaching. He’s straightforward and preached the truth regardless of who it offended. Truth will always offend those who hate truth or have never heard it before. This should never be a reason we don’t speak truth to others.
The issue of women depriving their husbands sexually is a hot topic. It infuriates MANY women. They falsely accuse me of promoting marital rape. It’s not rape when a wife decides to not deprive her husband sexually. It’s sacrificial love and obedience to God Almighty. Many can’t comprehend a wife living a self-sacrificial life, since they’ve only been taught to look out for number one. We, as God fearing women, don’t live like this. There is no joy in living like that.
Michael Pearl is blunt in his teachings too. I have learned who I am in Christ from His clear teachings of Scripture. I have learned that I am dead and freed from sin, and a new creature in Christ. I now focus upon this rather than who I was before Christ! Here is an exhortation that he gives to wives in his book “The Bible on Divorce and Remarriage.”
“Dear lady, if you think your husband can just pray and do without, you must think you are married to Christ or the Apostle Paul. Has your husband proven to be the most disciplined and self-denying man you have ever met? Does he strike you as the martyr type? No? Well, has he been castrated? No again? So you now expect him to exercise the most extreme form of human self-denial? If not, then stop defrauding your husband and start pumping him dry about every day or so. If he is younger than 25, make that every day and twice on Sunday. When he begs for mercy or claims a headache, you will know you have met his quota. The key is to be available and willing.
“If you do not cheerfully, joyously make yourself a willing participant, you are the tool of Satan to bring your husband down. ‘The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband’ (1 Corinthians 7:4).”
Some will most undoubtedly complain, because it’s their husbands who are not sexually available to them. If he’s struggling with pornography, have him read this post by Michael Pearl. Your teenage sons need to read it too! Here’s the post for women with higher sex drives than their husbands.
Do not deprive your husbands, women! The Apostle Paul tells us “…to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband…for it is better to marry than to burn” (1 Corinthians 7:2,9). If sex hurts you, seek out help but continue to find ways to sexually please your husband. He married you because he was burning, and he didn’t want to commit fornication! God created men with a high sex drive for a reason. He wants them to marry and have children with the wife of their youth, while working hard to provide for them.
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
***There’s a HUGE difference between being unable to sexually satisfy your husband due to illness, pain, childbirth, etc. and intentionally depriving your husband. Husbands know the difference. One is not sin, and the other one clearly is sin.
34 thoughts on “A Message For Wives Who are Depriving Their Husbands”
Good to read.
I forgot about these biblical passages.
Very important message. Sex is a beautiful thing in marriage and couples should be having sex often. It varies from couple to couple, husband to husband of course but every other day seems very common. The enemy is just waiting to attack your marriage please don’t leave any cracks for him to come through.
When I was in my early twenties, the married men in the late twenties told me not to marry, since once you get married the wife shuts off the sex. I listened to them and married way later. If they were treated better by their wives, I likely would have married in my early twenties, as they had influenced my opinions.
Very good. There is also a spirit of jealousy that is encouraged among women unfortunately. “He’s mine” is common, but the ability to provide help to the husband is a low priority. This will make women even more upset, but here is the Greek, what Paul actually wrote, for 1 Corinthians 7:2 “…to avoid fornication, let every man have his own (exclusive) wife, and let every woman have her own (shared) husband.”
This has always puzzled me. Assuming good physical and mental health, why are women depriving their husbands? Sex is fun! And even if a woman is “not in the mood”, why deprive your husband (and yourself) of that very special intimacy? Something else must be going on here. I have never refused my husband and the effect on my marriage is very obvious. Women who deprive their men are foolishly tearing down their homes with their own hands.
Polygamy was never God’s plan for man. All one has to do is look at God’s original creation to see God’s plan and will for marriage. The proof that ONE woman is all that a man needs to satisfy him is the fact that God only gave Adam ONE wife!
Not all jealousy is ungodly. God is jealous over us. A woman should be jealous for her husbands love, affection and sexual attention. These things should never be shared with any other woman!
Do you have a post on what marital rape really is? Sometimes I wonder when he just starts doing it without asking or waiting for any kind response from me but I don’t know if this is the world influencing my thinking. I mean I obviously wouldn’t say no if he asked, but sometimes it’s physically too much when we’ve already done it multiple times that day and he keeps grabbing me and making me take more, or if I’m sleeping and he starts.
Only physically abusive men rape their wives. It takes a cruel man to do this. They may do it when they’re drunk and angry, then demand sex and force themselves upon their wives. Men who aren’t physically abusive don’t rape their wives. They may want sex in the middle of the night and begin having it with her. At this point, she can either continue on with him or ask if he would wait until the morning. I venture to say that this has happened with most young couples. It’s nothing new or extraordinary, and it’s certainly NOT rape.
Thank you for the post. After two back surgeries and menopause, I sometimes struggle to able to please my husband. He still has a stronger sex drive than I do. There are only a few positions in which I can be comfortable now due to scar tissue from the surgery. I get no pleasure from it, usually some pain, but understand this is still important to him so I make the best of it and keep a smile on my face despite the pain.
That is incorrect. The Greek word used for the wife’s “own” husband is idios. This is a reflexive pronoun that demonstrates a sense of privateness. It is the same word used in Mark 4:34, when Jesus refers to his “own” disciples. The meaning of the two words in question, heautau and idios, were also becoming blurred at the time 1 Corinthians was written as seen in contemporary Greek texts.
The Bible does not endorse polygamy in any way, as it is contrary to the Gospel. Christ has one bride, His Church.
They certainly don’t sound like credible men because if the sex stopped when they got married…does that mean the sex was going before they got married? That’s not someone you what advice on life or morality if you ask me.
I’ll be the one to point out the taboo obvious here; you can’t advocate “marital rape” as such a thing doesn’t exist. Cruelty exists, legitimate abuse exists, but words mean things and one cannot rape ones spouse. There is a reason such a concept didn’t even exist until like yesterday, that’s because it’s absurd on it’s face. Now, does this mean it’s acceptable to be violent or to lack understanding with ones wife? Of course not, these thing’s are sinful and wrong, but our understanding of sex is very different than that of the world. The world says consent is the standard, God says marriage is the standard, end of story. This is a hard truth in today’s world, but it is truth nonetheless.
Only physically abusive men rape their wives. It takes a cruel man to do this. They may do it when they’re drunk and angry, then demand sex and force themselves upon their wives. Men who aren’t physically abusive don’t rape their wives. They may want sex in the middle of the night and begin having it with her. At this point, she can either continue on with him or ask if he would wait until the morning. I venture to say that this has happened with most young couples. It’s nothing new or extraordinary, and it’s certainly NOT rape.
I may be painting with a broad brush here, but one of the most common bible verses that gets overlooked is 1 Corinthians 7v3-5. And a person’s insistence as to having personal rights, including the right to be offended. Many women have indeed read that verse, but they don’t like it so they pretend it’s not there or twist it to suit their own agenda.
My mother would often overshare with me (first mistake, even though I was in my late teens) and after she divorced my dad the year before I married, told me and others she was a victim of marital r*pe. However, she also revealed her overall attitude as a person and as a wife. And over 20 years later. She is not following God and has multiple health issues, is bitter and keeps bringing up the past or ways others have hurt her. It’s clear to me that the root was a non existent walk with God, a bad attitude, femenist mindset and influence. I doubt any lady known for her Godliness and upright behaviour would go around the same way. Those that become combative over the issue, particularly when confronted with God’s word on the matter are exposing their motives and hearts, which is why their men have given up trying to talk with them about it. Even more shocking is these women will flat out refuse to have a calm, respectful and frank talk with their husband about it. Most of the time, because they know they are in the wrong and don’t want to hear the answer.
Good post Lori.
My wife claims to be a biblical wife.
She claims a biblical woman must be submissive and she says she is. However, when it comes to the bedroom she feels it’s her duty to point out that she need not comply because there are other parts of the marriage that need to be fixed.
She agrees to counseling but I know that is her finding someone who claims to be a “christian ” counselor to ironically also feel that wives need not submit in fact it’s the husband that needs to submit.
Beyond lost ….
True. Never understood why the world encourages the act with strangers who could not careless about you, yet the one person who is there for life for her she rejects. Its all gone backwards. No wonder the divorce rates are so high
How long have you guys been married? I agree with Lori when you use the word “rape” we’re talking about physical abusive men. Your husband just may have a high sex drive. You guys need to communicate and try to get on the same page. Nothing wrong with asking for a “raincheck” till the morning every once in awhile.
Amen Ashleigh! Good point, be set apart guys.
I agree 100% Michaela! Sex is fun and enjoyable and I would never deprive my husband of intimacy and never say no or “I’m not in the mood.” I believe frequent sex with your husband is a vital part of creating a great and godly marriage. I think it is a part of supporting and building your husband up as a strong godly man who will do everything in his power to take care of his family. As his wife, let him enjoy what he works so very hard to provide for and take care of. Just my opinion!!
Sadly lost a year ago I was in a similar position to what you describe. Were I to guess, you may have many of the same struggles and hurts that I had. If you would like, I would be happy to share my experiences with you, what I did, what I didn’t do and what has changed since then. [email protected] If you think it might help you and your marriage email me.
Dear R,
Please ignore the response you have been given by Ms. Alexander. I am so infuriated by her words I could spit. Men who love and respect their partners do not just start having sex with them. I have been married 9 years. Both my husband and I have been sexually aroused at times the other was not. What do we do? We touch, we kiss, we talk, we check in on the other’s responsiveness both physically and audibly. You saying you “obviously wouldn’t say no if he asked” tells me two things: he doesn’t ever ask (i.e. he takes what he wants, which you also said, leaving no space for your feelings aka he does not respect you) and you believe you are supposed to say “yes” anytime he is interested. Um, no. No, you are not. Your husband has raped you. I am so sorry Ms. Alexander’s words are here to make you believe otherwise. How in the world is it God’s plan for a spouse to be suffering and uncomfortable just to bring their spouse pleasure? What if you cooked a meal daily that your husband didn’t like? What if he asked you to stop cooking it and you said, “No, I like eating this every day, so it is what you will eat”? Your husband then resists eating, so you come over and shove the food in his mouth, forcing him to swallow. Sounds pretty outrageous, right? So is your husband having sex with you when you do not want to. End of story.
P.S. Ms. Alexander’s response to you is word-for-word her response to another person with an entirely different comment (see below). She obviously did not even care to give you personal advice, which I have. I hope you see where the value lies.
Biblically speaking Lori’s advice was spot on, so disagree with your comment.
Preach it, Lori. It is too late to help in my marriage but there are plenty of other Christian wives out there who might be reached by your teaching them that God’s word says that this is sin and they should repent of it.
There are too few if any older women teaching the younger women anything of God’s word or to love their husbands and children. God bless you.
@lori serious question here, and not being flippant. If a husband was to ask his wife to change her appearance because it would please him sexually, is that wrong? Some may prefer short hair to long, or having her be clean shaven to razor free on the other side of the spectrum? I have asked my wife to honor my preference, and she feels it is uncomfortable. If I truly loved her, I would not ask her to change anything about her appearance. Also, if I truly loved her, I would not ask her to do something she doesnt want to do. I feel she is in rebellion, but she will have none of that. Am I being unreasonable?
R don’t listed to Rachael. God clearly tells us to be available to our spouse sexually. What that looks like your marriage is up to you and your husband to work out. Kevin’s comment addresses this some. Rachel’s feminist mindset is poison to marriage, so for the sake of your family learn to recognize it and avoid it. Her suffering and uncomfortable statement is a distraction in her foodie fascism example. In fact, being uncomfortable is part of the curse of sin. Sex is commanded in marriage as is work as long as you want to eat, so if we take Rachel’s logic and apply it using the “don’t want to/uncomfortable standard” then a husband that does not want to work, feels soreness and pain from work but feels compelled to is being enslaved. And a woman can bring the full force of the legal system upon her husband if she wants to, so spare me the the wife can’t physically force him to work nonsense. So ladies, if you want the best possible chance at a long happy marriage try to get your husband to the point where he simultaneously begs for mercy and praises God you’re his wife.
You are right and your wife is wrong. Wives are to submit to their husbands in everything, the Word tells us, unless it is something against God’s Word that they are asking.
Taking money from your husband is not theft. Taking sex from your wife is not rape. Nobody anywhere has been convicted of this mythological crime. It does not exist in any state. Post an article about a marital rape conviction. Your so infuriated your hissing like a snake ?!
Is she saved? She is clearly in rebellion here brother.
I don’t disagree without some significant thought. Frankly, my wife has enjoyed being taken. It let’s her know that she is still the one that gets in my head. She knows she can always slow things down if she would like. However, she is the one who instigates this at times. Which tells me that she simply wants to know that she is still wanted, even after nearly 30 years of marriage.
Don’t Listen to Rachel. She’s only been married 9 years. Not a lot of experience to be honest. I’ve been married 20 years this april. And by that time, have had 11 children by him. ? But I still have much to learn.
Scripture is clear that our body belongs to our husband and his body belongs to us. (In terms of the marriage bed) something that should be pointed out during marriage counseling and given proper thought and study. Once the marriage ceremony is over. That verse comes into play. However. There needs to be constant and open communication between each other as to frequency and times when it can be held off till later. But there are times when a man desires his wife so badly that he needs that connection with her. Sleep is a mere blockage to fulfilling that need. I treat those times as a romantic gesture and a sign of his strong desire for connection and despite feeling tired. It’s more often than not been the best times that we’ve come together. ?
Rachel’s opinion has been shaped by the world. And carries an element of selfishness.
Men who are violent, high on drugs and alcohol and brutalize or sodomize their wives I personally would consider rape. A man who initiates intercourse with his wife in the middle of the night in a loving and considerate way is not raping his wife. Often women who claim that are femenazis who are damaging their men and marriage in the long run and have a nasty and entitled attitude in regards to the marriage bed. My husband often gets told off for getting me pregnant so often. Thinking he is making me have all these babies. Truth is, he has a hard time stopping me! ??
It’s one of the most wonderful and fulfilling parts of marriage when we give ourselves fully to the other. Rachel I doubt has experienced that level of joy and intimacy. ?
You are correct, this is a theoretical sin in the religion of liberalism, not an actual one. The whole concept is alien and absurd to the Christian and God’s word.
Wow, spot on, thank you for sharing that personal story.
Is there any way you could possibly see a physical therapist for this or do any type of massage to help with the pain?.. this is often not talked about enough but I don’t think God has ment for sex to be painful. There are different types of physical therapy for this matter. Also many pelvic floor exercises that can be done etc. to strengthen muscles etc. I’m not saying it’s bad to submit to your husband in this way but u should talk with him about the pains you’re feeling because I’m sure he doesn’t want to hurt you unnecessarily and if you have scar tissue he could possibly be causing you more damage in the long run. Take care
Women now claim to be spiritual and pray against the devil of strange women while depriving their husbands of sex.