A Testimony of Healing After An Affair

A Testimony of Healing After An Affair

A comment from my post “Wives Cheating on Their Husbands

Lori, this may be too long to post and I know I am late to post on this, but I read through many of the responses and I feel compelled to add some of my story, not just for the men asking for stories of marriages redeemed, but also for women who are dipping, or are tempted to dip, their feet in the same sin of adultery, as I was that strange woman as well – and a dip quickly changes to a slippery slope into hell without you ever realizing it. Please, DON’T DO IT.

I recall during those times of my affair telling myself, “I don’t care” about what I was doing, because I didn’t feel like my husband cared either. I became more and more dead to doing the right thing. I increasingly only cared about myself and my own needs. It’s a time I look back on with more shame and regret than I could ever truly express.

Thankfully, though, God was present and working behind the scenes. Through a series of unexpected events, I came to repentance in my heart, but it wasn’t enough. The shame and guilt of what I had done ate at me every day. All I could think was that my husband didn’t know who I really was, and it was unfair for him to be married to me not knowing the truth. Although I had confided separately to two persons during those years of my affair, and they told me to end it long before I actually did, they both advised me to never tell my husband. Yet, God was clearly pointing me to confession.

So finally, almost a year after I ended the affair, in terror and despair I confessed it to my husband. This began the hardest time of my life to date, but I believe my confession out of love for him and believing he should know the truth was one of the major factors of my husband’s forgiveness. In fact, he has admitted this. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a pain so absolute as watching my husband’s trust in me disintegrate before my eyes and the utter disgust he had for me, knowing I had caused it, and that my marriage was forever stained with the filth of all I had done in the name of my own self-love.

But God manifested His grace to us even during this horrific and painful time. When I feared my husband would divorce me, when I finally uttered that question in dread, I watched his face change from uncertainty to wonder as he told me he heard at that moment a voice inside him that was not his, clearly shout at him, “NO!” to a divorce. I still believe this was the Holy Spirit. Then my husband asked me to do something he never had before – he asked me to pray with him. Together we knelt and prayed to God for His guidance, and we asked His will to be done.

It has been almost ten years since that day, and we are still married and have been blessed with a family. I can not express how thankful I am that my husband heeded that voice not to divorce, when he had every right to do so. For a long time, it was one day at a time. There were ugly periods, sometimes after years of peace, when the past and hurt would surface and we would have to deal with the same horrific pain all over again, groping our way through the dark. At these times of feeling so low and so lost, we have to turn it over to God, because there is just no way to carry the pain alone and survive. The knowledge of what I did those years, I still carry with me. It still knifes into my gut and soul, and I know that it still does to my husband, too. But we continue to carry on despite the pain, because we still have love for one another.

Our relationship is not perfect. It never was. WE are not perfect. We never were. We still screw up, we still struggle with sin. We still struggle to forgive. But by the grace of God, we are still here for each other. I give thanks to God Almighty that He has not thrown the first stone at me, when He is completely righteous. God is a God of mercy and compassion, the Author of Love itself. And His Word teaches that love covers a multitude of sins.

If any of this puts me in a position to offer advice, it would be this: No matter your situation, no matter how dire it seems, GIVE IT TO GOD. HE CARES, even for the worst of us, even despite the worst things that we do. Repent and do not lose faith, and do not try to take matters into your own hands without first seeking Him. If you feel you are not being loved, that does not give you the right not to love. Jesus commands us to love those who don’t love us, and to pray for them. Whether we are the ones who need forgiveness or whether we are the ones called to forgive, Jesus calls us to put others’ needs before our own. We should place ourselves last, even when it’s unfair.

Jesus on the cross is the ultimate example of that. I will wish for the rest of my life that I did not make the choices I made back then, but I can not change the past. I can only change the present. I can be a voice to others. I can point the way to our most compassionate, loving, and merciful God. He is Sovereign, He is in control. And He will not leave those who love Him orphans. Trust in God! He is mighty to save.

What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
Mark 10:9

12 thoughts on “A Testimony of Healing After An Affair

  1. Thank you for the testimony you gave and prayerfully it will prevent other women from committing the sin of adultery too. Praise the LORD that you and your husband were able to overcome the broken trust. The VAST MAJORITY of the time when the woman commits adultery and breaks the trust of her husband, the marriage is over and never ever can be repaired. As a man I can tell you what a MAJOR destroyer it is when the wife commits adultery.

    It is the sin of adultery. I hear a lot of people say “cheating” or “made a mistake” but let’s not sugarcoat it with worldly feel good terms. Making a mistake is adding salt to a cake mix instead of sugar. Committing adultery is making a conscious DECISION to give your body to someone other than your spouse.

    I think the key part of you and your husband’s healing over your sin was your REPENTANCE and acknowledgment and confession of the sin you committed. In my case, my late wife never repented of the adultery I knew about and on her deathbed talk, I learned of several more men after the first man she committed adultery against me with over all the years of my marriage to her. Committing adultery more times with other men tells me she never repented of her sins.

    The nearest she MAYBE? came to asking my forgiveness was the day before she died. She had suddenly looked at me and out of the blue said “I love you and thank you for taking such good care of me over the years” Whether that was her repenting, I do not know. It is between God and her now.

    What has really helped me in getting past it is God’s healing and also in understanding the “why it happened” is reading Dalrock’s blog and some articles on Christian Men’s Defense Network titled So your Christian Wife Cheated on You, a 3 part series. I had kept asking God what was wrong with me that my late wife had gone and committed adultery. Now I know that thought was straight out of the lies of feminism, that the husband is always to blame when the wife sins. My late wife FREELY CHOSE to commit sin and it was nothing wrong I did.

    1. Committing a sin is usually easy, and doing the right thing can be hard. In your case, your wife chose an easy but si ful path, while you did the right thing for your children and by God by staying in the marriage. I would urge other men (and women) to do the same! You really are a wonderful example for everyone around, showing how even in the most difficult of circumstances, divorce should never ever be an option.

      The only thing I wish for you is that you find it in your heart to forgive your late wife, despite the gravity of her sin. I get the feeling from the text you are still bothered by her acts, still wondering why this occured and still resentful to an extend. Forgiveness is not excusing what she did, it is a gift to yourself, as once you forgive, you can move on. I wish you lots of healing and peace!

        1. Blair,
          I am a wife that also committed the horrible sin of adultery and though my husband and I are still together seven years later it is still very difficult at times. I’m sure he would benefit so much from the blog you speak of but when I Google it it takes me to a page that says it’s being shit down. I see a link to pt1 and pt2 but when I click on them it redirects me. If you have access to it, could you post a link in the comments of this post? Thank you for your testimony, it always help to hear a man’s perspective on this issue. I truly hope you find healing and are able to trust again one day. What an awful thing it must be to have that taken away from you. Another thing I would like to say quickly is that sometimes people (or maybe woman I dont know) but sometimes it’s just emotional issues from childhood or trauma that prevent someone for ever really facing themselves. I personally took a long time to repent for what I did. I had a long time of unhealthy, manipulative ways of thinking which kind of made me think “If I face it’s real, but if I act like it’s nothing it’s not”. This was wrong. I didn’t realize I had this warped way of dealing with things until I got deeper in the Word and also through long fights and discussions with my husband where he basically forced me to face myself and what I had done to him and our marriage. Your late wife obviously had some issues considering the things she confessed but try to have mercy. Some people have learned really bad coping skills early in life and a lot of times by the time they are older it’s too hard to change, if they can even see it in themselves.

          1. So Your Christian Wife Cheated on You part 1 is here: https://cmdefense.wordpress.com/2012/04/06/so-your-christian-wife-cheated-on-you-part-1/

            The links to part 2 & 3 are in the side bar there

            Dalrock’s blog is here: https://dalrock.wordpress.com/

            Scroll down the right hand side to archives and select the year and month. I suggest he start at the beginning of the blog and read forward from there. Its starts with June 2010.

            Dalrock writes from a Christian man’s perspective. He has stopped posting but has left all his blog posts up for reading. He has disabled any more commenting.

  2. Thank you for this post and her testimony. As we go through our dark valley because of what I did, this is an encouragement for me to remember that He has this marriage and I will continue to submit to Him and my husband. Your words are exactly what I see and hear in my own marriage and walk with Him and I hope that some day I will be able to share this very testimony of mine and hear that someone like me was touched by it. God had you write for a reason and I know that not only myself needed to see God move in a hurting marriage, but two other regulars that read your posts (and the post of others on your blog) that needed to see this post, too.

  3. What an encouraging testimony for those who are in agony over this sin. I was on the receiving end of adultery as a woman and the emotions one feels are varied, from gut-wrenching pain, to feelings of self-hatred, as you feel you must be ugly to have had this done to you. I give God the glory- He was able to heal them, but also I give so much credit to this couple for listening to Him and obeying. God does hate divorce and most certainly can heal it! Praise him.

  4. An affair tarnishes the image of the adulterer not only for the spouse but for many, many others. My sister’s husband verbally and mentally abused her for years and had an affair with a co-worker (she was a “good friend only” – ha). Even before the affair and the abuse surfaced, my family never cared for him, his upbringing made him feel “entitled”. She loved him through all the abuse and the affair and knew how we all felt but never faltered away from him. He died a few years ago from a painful illness (karma?).

    1. A Christian’s vocabulary should not include the word karma.
      Your sister should be commended for her faithfulness to her late husband. Hopefully, she has been able to heal from her emotional abuse and the challenges of losing a spouse.

      We watched my sister-in-law go through a painful divorce and also a couple from church who were friends that I grew up with (I was in their wedding). Both of these divorces happened years ago. It is so difficult when infidelity is an issue (usually more, the unfaithfulness seems to be a symptom of additional problems).

      I believe we need to use this post and the commenters’ warnings to not even consider this heartbreaking sin.
      However, we must not be arrogant if this issue has not effected our marriage. We ALL have sinned and fall short of God’s glory. We only deserve God’s judgment and punishment, but by His Grace and Jesus’ gift of His birth, death on the cross, and resurrection, we are forgiven! And so are men and women who’ve repented from the sin of infidelity. When the gravity of this forgiveness and peace of knowing our eternity will be spent in His presence, we need to focus on our reliance on the Holy Spirit each moment. This blog is a wonderful reminder of the Bible’s instruction for women, but we must spend time praying, reading God’s Word, worshiping and serving in a local church for our lives to glorify our Lord and Savior.

  5. What a beautiful and loving message. I truly appreciated this writer’s advice and perspective on a compassionate, merciful, and loving God who is in control and to whom we should take our problems. I pray she will one day find the peace that passes all understanding despite her affair. She seems to have suffered enough.

  6. Thank You for sharing your story of success. I am struggling so hard right now after what my own wife revealed she had done for three months. When she cofessed to me, I had the door open ready to tell her to get out when the Holy Spirit screamed at me to wait and try and remain married to her. It has been three months and satan still tries to poke me to anger with her, but with God.s help and grace the attacks are getting fewer and I am better able to push Satan away. We have three minor children and that is part of why I continue to forgive her and love her. But only with God’s help. I could not do it without HIS help every day. I have never been given a reason for her affair, and that makes me continue to blame myself and consider myself unloveable. I doubt I will ever be the same trusting husband again, as the scars run too deep.

    1. “and that makes me continue to blame myself “
      Dave, it was not your fault. You have to understand that. I also believed that it had to be my fault for the longest time. Why else would she commit adultery unless I was doing wrong to her. It was not your fault Dave. You did not twist her arm behind her back and force her to commit sin. SHE FREELY CHOSE TO COMMIT SIN. We have been taught by feminism and also the church that it is always the man’s fault for the sins of his wife. THAT IS NOT TRUE and we have to unlearn that lie. Was it Adam’s fault when Eve sinned? No it was not.

      This is someone else quote from Dalrock’s blog I thought was wonderful in explaining.
      “In Genesis Chapter 3… before the Fall… before Eve even had a sin-nature and Adam was literally perfect… she rebelled.
      Eve didn’t even have to do anything – and all she had to do was to refrain from doing one thing… not eat the fruit of one tree while she was living in a veritable forest of fruit trees… yet she rebelled. A women who was created without a sin nature, in daily personal communion with God Almighty, with no responsibilities, no children, no other women to compete against, and a sinless husband… yet she still rebelled. A woman who had an entire pristine world at her fingertips… and a personal, dire warning from God to not eat of that one tree… yet she still rebelled. It’s such a trivial-sounding thing to say, “All a husband has to do is keep one woman happy.”Really? Is that all? If the daily, in-person presence of God Himself was not sufficient to keep a sinless women from rebelling against Him in paradise, what chance does any mortal husband have now, if his worthiness to lead is measured by his wife’s level of emotional satisfaction at any given moment?”

      “I have never been given a reason for her affair”
      Dave, you may never hear her tell you the real reason why she committed adultery. Because it would force her to show her real nature that she does not want you to know. A 3 part series of articles that really helped me is titled “So Your Christian Wife Cheated on You” It was a real eye opener for me and helped me to see and understand why she did it. Once you read the articles, you will have a better understanding of things. Also a blog called “Dalrock” is written from a Christian man’s view and it is extremely eye opening to the truth. Use his side bar to go back to the beginning of his blog and read. It starts back to 2010.

      “and consider myself unloveable”
      Dave, I had the same feelings. For years I would poke fun at myself to other people so that I would beat them to it. If I couldn’t keep one righteous Christian wife from committing adultery, there had to of been something ugly and unlovable with me. No it was not my fault and no it is not your fault Dave.

      “I doubt I will ever be the same trusting husband again”
      Has she showed real repentance for what she did? It will be hard to trust again and will likely take a time to do it.
      Have you and her had STD tests done? “A prudent man seeth the danger” Myself, if I were to find a woman that I would like to marry, I would insist upon and pay for a complete battery of tests for me and her of all known STDs. Some STDs are incurable. Also I am considering lie detector tests for me and her a few days before marriage to make sure there is no infidelity already. But I am not sure how reliable lie detector tests are. Anyone know?????

      So in ending, DAVE IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
      Your wife FREELY CHOSE to break her marriage vows to God. She FREELY CHOSE to break her marriage vows to you.

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