Do Women Have to Compensate for Men’s Weakness?
A woman wrote the following comment to me trying to explain why she divorced her husband and why feminism is so badly needed.
“Let me say this though, I was married for 14 years and it ended in divorce in 2015. While we were married, he believed that all he had to do was provide and then his ‘obligations’ as a man were covered. Always obligations never with gratitude or recognition of his blessings. It seems to me a lot of men believe that providing is enough.
“Men put provision on such a scale and uplift in an attempt to guilt trip the women in their lives from complaining. I was holding down the home with three young kids. Cooking, cleaning, homeschooling, and completely exhausted by the end of the day. He wanted 30 minutes to unwind before being bothered with kids and family when he came home. Thirty minutes turned into hours in the garage tinkering with cars always with a promise to eventually join the family. When he finally joined us he was p**** off for having to do so and treated the kids with disdain.
“Every Sunday, I dragged his sorry self out of bed for church and got everybody ready by myself. He’d still be laying in bed and make us late for church week after week.
“Now I am a single mom with three kids and I have the added luxury of being a provider and student as well. The providing is the least of my difficulties, if all I had to do was get my self out of bed and go to work while my spouse did EVERYTHING else…it’d be an easy life. Now I do it all.
“Men today are such crybabies and that’s why the feminism we’re experiencing today is so extreme, the men are weaker so the women have to compensate.”
So let’s see, she divorced her husband because he wouldn’t do what she wanted him to do. Let me ask you a question: Is this woman’s life easier or harder since she divorced her husband? When she was married, she had to do everything concerning the home and children, but her husband provided the money for her to stay home full time. After she divorced him, she still had to take care of everything concerning the home and the children but now she had to do the providing. She tried to use her example to prove that her husband’s life was easier than her own, thus her husband was weak and this was a reason for divorce.
In reality, she had it made when she was married. She had the entire day to take care of her home and children. She didn’t need to worry about making money to pay the bills or the stress of working outside of the home. Did she ever show her husband appreciation? Did she ever ponder how she treated her husband and the words that she said to him? I seriously doubt it. If she had he may have been much more willing to help her and even want to be around her when he got home but if he came home to an angry and disappointed wife every day, it’s not much motivation for a husband to want to be around.
Has feminism become popular because men are so weak, as she claims, or have men become weaker because of feminism? I believe it’s the latter because feminism has confused the roles. They have caused women to not appreciate husbands who work hard to provide. Too many women now expect their husbands to come home and help with the children and housework and they are continually angry at their husbands when they don’t live up to their expectations.
I know there are many similar cases as this one because of my viral post. The fact that I would suggest that wives be content if their husbands don’t help around the home sparked outrage. I expected my husband to help around the home for the first few years of my marriage and was continually upset with him which tore down our marriage. This is what I was taught in culture and by others. These expectations only harmed our marriage.
Oh, and can I let you in on a secret, women. Most men like to have at least 30 minutes after a long day at work to rest and have peace. Let him have this time to himself if this is what he needs. Men are out there “slaying dragons” as Dr. Laura used to say and it’s not easy to carry the burden of providing for the family. Greet him with a hug and a kiss then let him rest. In this way, he will look forward to coming home and being with you!
Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.
Proverbs 14:1
24 thoughts on “Do Women Have to Compensate for Men’s Weakness?”
Gross. If people think men are ‘such cry babies’ it’s because the feminism movement has done it to them! They have emasculated men to make them more feminine and then get angry at them for being that way! You want your men to act like men when it benefits you, but most of the time, you want them to just be like women! Raise your boys to be MEN and we will not have this problem. I am so sick of this movement that is destroying families!
Thank you for this post this morning, Lori! My life and marriage have become so much sweeter and more peaceful since I repented of these very expectations and all of the discontentment that fuels them. Posts like this one help keep me on track. I do many of the things the woman who commented did, and yet on my fullest day I don’t work as hard as my husband!
Right now I am sitting in my cozy living room drinking coffee while my sweet baby plays on the floor and my other two children sleep. My husband just bundled up and stepped out into the 20 degree morning to saddle a horse and spend the next 10 or 12 hours in the cold wind moving cattle, fixing fences, and doing all manner of hard physical labor. He has a nasty cold and was suffering a touch of food poisoning last night, his old injuries ache in the chill, he has a mile-long list of stressful responsibilities, and yet he left without the merest complaint to provide for his family. I am so thankful for him! I could never do what he does!
I am so glad that God is instructing my heart toward thankfulness and away from bitter complaining and fault-finding. And I am thankful that He uses your writing as one means to do that. I know the Bible commends a man for finding a good thing in finding a wife, but lately I find myself wanting to remind other women (and myself) that God has given us something so, so good in giving us our husbands!
Thanks again, Lori! Keep writing truth!
~Jolee
This is a great post and wonderful comments. It truly saddens me to see marriages fall apart because of a contentious wife. When I start feeling overwhelmed I remind myself that my husband provided long before the kids were around and he will provide long after the kids are grown. Yet, my life will have times of busyness but also lots of down time as my responsibilities change. Homeschooling is also such a blessing. I am a few years in now, and it is paying off. My kids are fun, sweet, and helpful. There is truly so many blessings when we follow God’s plan.
Hi Lori,
I am so glad I am beyond this stage of life. I am enjoying my retirement years. When I retired (several years before he did), I did most of the house and yard work. Now that we both are retired, we share duties of the house and yard – and he does this not under duress, but gladly.
I am blessed! 🙂
Jolee, Farmers/ranchers have it harder than some others. When there are animals to care for, they can never take a sick day!
Yeah I don’t give my husband 30 minutes of quiet time (I don’t nag him to do anything, I just follow him around trying to give kisses and chatting about what happened during the day cuz I’m basically a human cat) and he does get frustrated with me over that.
What are these easy jobs all these women are talking about? And why did I never have one! Why did my dad never have one??? Why does my husband get called in on weekends at 4 am?
My mother of all people had a very easy job and she’s a Feminist…my dad admitted to me once that he knew for a fact that my mom would take a 1 hour nap after lunchtime every day…plus 8 weeks or more vacation a year.
I have a hunch there are a lot of bureaucratic jobs…maybe state jobs…that our (meaning MEN) pay for so that women can be Single Moms and feel all superior because they wear cute clothes to work everyday while typing a bit on the computer.
Actually it’s not a hunch, it’s a truth. My husband’s ex was a single mom (never married…she just wanted to sleep with an F list celebrity which she did) with the Classic B.S. State Job of being in charge of Troubled Children…My husband himself came from a very troubled home and I heard them talk on the phone twice…once when she had no idea he was dating me…she was very mean and he talked to her like she was his mom…almost frightened…and the second time she knew I was there…It was fascinating…she was very manipulative…I could see her talking to troubled children
My dad had the best line though…
I said…’She’s a single mom who slept around and then plays the victim (also she had a second child from another man a few months after she broke up with my husband…so two children two fathers…no marriage)…and now she’s the woman in charge of troubled children for the state….yet she has no values or morals
And my dad said….
“Job Security.”
IF that is really the reason why she divorced. I was thinking she divorced my father!! (no, just sounds like my Dad in the description who was a wonderful provider and leader of our family) .
Thank you for the reminders… even as a poster child for feminism (HAD high powered career that I certainly do not miss!), I too believe feminism has done more harm than good, and weakened our male leaders. I am SO thankful for the wonderful husband that I have and my ability to work from home and first and foremost run the household and tend to our kids.
I am encouraged by the tone of the comments as well, Thank you ladies. Let us be teaching beacons to the younger women in our lives and show the gratitude we feel for the conditions in our homes.
Bless you all.
I hope this woman apologizes to her ex-husband for her bad attitude. I’m surprised she actually wrote this. She sounds like a spoiled child. If my children complained like she did I would remind them of the griping Israelites in the wilderness and what God did to them. It reminds me of the verse that says it is better to live on the corner of a rooftop than with a contentous woman. Her ex-husband is probably enjoying the peace he finally has.
My husband comes home and tries to decompress for a bit. I think that is normal. He also has hobbies that he enjoys. We just join in on his hobbies. I’m sure if this woman and the kids went out to the garage to watch, be helpful or quietly learn, perhaps regularly bringing him a dessert they could have begun to have quality family time.
This ridiculous feminist attitude that is so prevalent in the Western world is so off-putting. I told my husband that if I pass away before him he should look for a non-Westernized Christian wife.
I wish she had found your blog earlier. Any husband should be won to the Lord by the wife’s behavior not nagging to get out of bed every Sunday. She should have happily left him in bed and prayed for him continuously but treated him with kindness.
I am, too, Katie. It’s been so destructive on everyone! We can stand in the ways of the Lord and pray that the way that we live our lives and the truth that we speak will be light to a decaying culture.
So beautifully written, Jolee. Thank you for sharing and being an encouragement of the beautiful ways of the Lord!
This is wonderful, Ginger! Yes, we are promised that we will reap what we sow and you are reaping beautiful fruit from what you are sowing.
My mom is in her last stages of her life. My dad worked hard to provide for us until he retired and my mom always took care of the home and children. Now, my dad waits on my mom, keeps the home clean and tidy, and it’s a beautiful thing to watch. There’s nothing more wonderful than seeing love that has lasted for many, many years and they are more in love with each other now than ever before.
It’s very sad, Christine. Most women have lost their way since they have walked so far away from God’s path for them.
Yes, Yvonne, we must show the culture around us that God’s ways are best so we must choose to be joyful and content in the place where He wants us to be. This will attract people more to the ways of the Lord than anything else could.
The sad thing is that most of them can’t see how ugly feminism is and the destruction that it has caused. Yes, she should have obeyed 1 Peter 3:1-6 and she would probably have a wonderful marriage today since it didn’t sound like her husband was evil in any way. It sounded more like he simply didn’t enjoy being around his discontent wife.
I think some women are just evil no matter what time period or ruling ideology…that’s just who they are…they always do evil
And that’s the goal of all of this…so that Even The Good Women fall into traps (like getting pregnant out of marriage, or becoming a careerist etc etc)…and then
the Bad Women Can Hide
And then the men can’t tell or aren’t taught to distinguish between Good and Bad Women…
All men know ‘You can’t take a whore and turn her into a housewife’
But what happens when all the women act like whores?
A man can only feel pity for a single mom because she’s just the unlucky 9 out of every 100 were birth control failed…because all women are having sex outside of marriage now…(Even though I disagree based upon my experience with women, but that’s how men think)
Some women will get their act together and revert back to being good…But for the men who got the True Whore…well he and his children are pretty much sunk
That’s one of many problems.
Amen! ???
Jolee, my husband grew up on a farm and it is hard work. I often talked with my late father-in-law about what it was like to run chores and move cattle on horseback. Having grown up in the suburbs, it was all so different to me. My husband’s work ethic is deeply ingrained in him, although he is not a farmer now.
Lori, it is sad that this woman divorced for these reasons. Did she ever ask her husband about his work? Maybe he went to the garage to spare her the stress he was feeling. Men do that; they try to protect us by not telling us about the worst of their day. Maybe he didn’t care for the particular church they were attending, or maybe he wanted to go to church at a different time of day? I would never drag my husband out of bed. If he needed to sleep; let him! The thing is, she will never know. Sadly, the children will suffer the most for her choices. She tore her home down with her own hands.
I came across something similar in a comment section on a money website. The woman had called in asking for advice on what she should do financially. Her husband had left her, he was filing for divorce, and she was a SAHM. First of all, there’s always two sides to every story. I’d be interested to hear the husband’s point of view. Secondly, the comments amazed me. One woman said, “This is just another reason why none of us should be SAHM’s. We are going to be left high and dry, so we need to be prepared.” Another woman said that she would never trust her husband if she were married. I found these comments to be so sad. :(The second woman is already preparing herself with the mind set that her marriage will fail. Our Heavenly Father must be so grieved at what His creation is doing, not only in this area but in so many other ways as well.
As a part-time working mother, I do kinda understand the resentment this woman felt. But at the same time, I don’t have an awful lot of sympathy. Because the fact is, if you’re not working, it is totally to be expected that you keep everything going at home, and it is totally to be expected that the working person is going to want a little bit of down-time to unwind after walking in the door.
When I was at home full-time and my husband was the only one working, he fully expected me to do ALL the housework and kids stuff, and he enjoyed a coffee and down-time when he first walked in the door, before being bombarded with family/life matters. And it made sense for it to work that way.
Now that I’m working, I would *love* to be able to have down-time when I first walk in the door but it never happens! My down-time starts after the kids are all in bed. My husband does share the domestic load, though. He doesn’t have a choice – he wants me to work, so he HAS to help me. I’m not superwoman!
M – That was my thought, too! He clearly did not want to go to church, so why try to force the issue?
I went along to church just myself and the children, for many years. When my husband chose to join us it was great, but when he didn’t want to, that was up to him. He’s an adult – he’s fully capable of making his own choices.
Like you, I think leaving him in bed, praying for him and being kind would have been a much better idea.
Lori, I am sorry that your mother is so ill. It does indeed sound like true, godly love that the two of them share and so glad he is willing and able to help her and keep the home clean and tidy.
Men are indeed able to perform household duties, but when the man is working full-time outside of the home and the woman is home, I agree that she should be handling them. When circumstances change, as in illness, or with both being at home, I see no issue with both being involved in caring for the home. Sometimes people are called to rise up to meet challenges in a different season of life.
As a single mum who works and takes care of everything at home I can both empathise with the homemaker and the wage earner while recognising that both of their positions are considerably easier than doing everything alone!