Does His Happiness Matter More Than Mine?
“Why does his happiness matter more than mine? Why should I have to know what makes him happy and what his favorite foods are? I would love to make my husband happy but only if he’s willing to do the same for me. Both of our happiness should matter equally, but this article makes me feel like his happiness matters more than mine. Please, help me understand as to why this is.” (Aubrey)
This was a recent comment left on a blog post I wrote for Crystal and Co. in January 2015 but I still receive comments on it. The post was called Are Wives Supposed to Obey Their Husbands? Aubrey may not find my answer to her questions on this blog since she may not even know about it, but I think they are good ones to tackle since this thinking isn’t uncommon. (I don’t think Crystal is still publishing the comments.)
The bottom line is that we are all bent towards sinfulness and this is what destroys marriages. We go into marriage thinking of ways our husbands should be pleasing us and if they are not, we become angry and unhappy. It’s all about us and our pleasures. We are selfish and self-centered without Jesus Christ’s transforming power.
As I was just writing this, I went to check my Facebook page and Regina Kay Williams wrote this: “It’s because we have it seared into our brains that we are what matters most. Instead of putting ourselves in the role of a servant as Christ did, we feel the need to be served. It becomes all about us and satisfying our fleshly needs. When we reach for Christ and allow him to do His most precious work in us, then we become more about serving others and putting ourselves aside. And doing this with a glad heart leads us into a life more fulfilling than any career. We can then wrap ourselves in the presence and bask in love of Christ and serving others.” She nailed it!
Jesus Christ told us that the greatest of all is the servant of all. We are to be living sacrifices for Him. We are also told that we reap what we sow. Therefore, Aubrey, if you want a good marriage, go into it thinking of ways to serve and please your husband. Take your focus off of yourself and put it onto him. The more you learn to do this, the more content and at peace you will be; for selfish expectations destroy marriages.
How will a husband love and treasure a wife who is continually upset and frustrated with him? He won’t. He will love and treasure a wife who loves to please and serve him. If you want a good marriage, do it God’s way, not your way. He is your Creator and He knows what is best for you. You were created to be your husband’s help meet, not vice versa. This may seem unfair, but our God is a just God and His ways are perfect. His ways bring beauty and order. The world’s ways bring chaos and disorder.
She that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
1 Corinthians 7:34
39 thoughts on “Does His Happiness Matter More Than Mine?”
I teach a women’s marriage class and it is so amazing to see the way God opens their eyes to the truth that serving their husbands and children actually brings more fulfillment and joy than when they were seeking fulfillment outside of their homes. The only way to find true fulfillment is by fulfilling the role for which you were designed.
Amen! Even if it does differ from eachother.
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A marriage is happy and satisfying when both people put serving one another above their own desires. But you can’t wait for the other person to do it first or both of you will be waiting on the other and your marriage will fall apart. Be the one to take the first step by putting the other person first. Put their needs above your own. Do the right thing, even if your spouse doesn’t. Be selfless. In most cases, they will return the favor and you will build your marriage. But selflessness is what we are called to, even if they don’t respond in kind.
This post is perfect timing for me. The past few weeks have been very (and I mean VERY) trying for me, my husband suffered a health crisis and I felt overwhelmed with quilt on bitter thoughts I had towards him. Uncertain times make you look back at what was said (aloud or muttered under ones breath), felt, and thought with deep, deep regret. I pray not to go down that path again. His happiness is, in turn, your happiness.
This tendency of ours to think more highly of ourselves than we ought is very real. It can be the root of so much anger. I realized this when I’ve gotten angry when people have cut me off on the road, cut line in front of me or taken the parking spot I was there first for (even unknowingly). I have yet to let those things go and always get caught up in the moment and angrily respond. I know it isn’t marriage related but those examples of my bad thinking stand out to me and I believe the root is the same.
Last night I was upset by a very minor perceived “slight”. I told myself to let it go and even quoted to myself that a wise woman builds her house but the foolish one tears it down with her own hands. I still *had* to support something and then of course regretted it. Praise God he is merciful and I prayed to our Father. He is a constant help.
I absolutely love to serve and obey my husband in everything! I try so hard every day to please him, learn from him and make sure he’s happy. He works very hard all day and needs a soft place to fall when he gets home. In return, he treats me like a queen and takes care of me totally and completely. Contrary to some teaching, there is no “mutual submission.” Wives are instructed by God’s word to submit to and obey their husbands, nowhere does it say that it is equal and husbands should submit to their wives! Feminists have turned the passages in Ephesians and in other books of the Bible around to fit the unfortunate state of the world today. Too many wives I know think the world revolves around them and “it’s all about me.” It’s all about serving God, which we do when we serve and obey our husbands. When we do this we lift them up and give them the confidence to be the men and providers God intends them to be!
As soon as you have a “what can I get out of this marriage?” mentality, your marriage is already being destroyed
Quote = Does his happiness matter more than mine?”
1 Peter 3:6 KJV
Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: ……..
Nowadays, I can see the steam shooting out of wives ears at the thought of calling her husband lord.
Am I correct?
Okay now, put down the pitchforks, whips, ball bats and the buckets of tar and bags of feathers and let me ask some questions.
No need to publicly answer. Just think your answers.
Most woman place the happiness of others WAY ABOVE her husband’s happiness. Many come before the husband.
Wife’s boss, wife, children, committees, sports teams, etc…. The husband is in last place. Even though the wife made a vow to God of forsaking all others.
Your boss wants a cup of coffee. You know he likes it with 1 sugar and lots of cream. Do you bring him a black coffee? Or do you also snag a cookie beside the coffee pot to bring to the boss because the boss likes them?
Now husband wants some coffee. Do you even know how he likes his coffee? Would you also bring your husband something extra?
Or tell him some snippy remark about why you are not?
Do you know the food that makes your husband happy?
Do you prepare it often for him?
How about if you dislike that food? Do you still make it because it would make your husband happy?
If longer hair makes your husband happy, do you let your hair grow longer if you are physically able?
Or keep it in a short, manish butch cut?
If modest clothing makes your husband happy, do you wear a nice dress / skirt?
Or continue to wear skin tight / revealing clothes because you want other men looking at your body?
If your husband would be happy to have sex with you, do you say yes?
Or find a dozen excuses not too?
But the man you are committing adultery with says he wants sex and you immediately say “when and where”
And husband is left to wait another 3 months for sex with you?
If it makes your husband happy to go to XYZ place and do XYZ thing, do you go along?
Or find excuses not to?
If you tried to pull 1/100th of the things with your work boss as you do to your husband, how long would you keep your job before you were fired?
A husband and wife are 1 flesh. They should be working together to do the best they can for each other.
The selfish mentality of the “it’s all about me” has led to women initiating divorce up to 80 percent of the time! It’s devastating on every area in our culture. We are seeing the result of fatherlessness being played out on our streets right now. Even abortion, which makes our culture a culture of death, is wreaking havoc upon us. You are modeling to your husband and others what Christianity looks like, Summer. You are bringing glory to God!
Minor correction: I think if you look back to the 1940s and 1950s you’d see that short hair is not “manish” or “butch.” As a man I recognize that women can be feminine with all sorts of hairstyles. In most cases, short hair on a woman in no way makes her look like a man.
“But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.” (1 Cor. 11:15)
Long hair is feminine and a woman’s glory. I know not all women can grow long hair but if you can it should be long. Man is the glory of Jesus, Woman the glory of man and the woman’s hair is her glory.
My thoughts exactly, Lindsay!
The only thing I would add is, well, sometimes, you are not going to be happy. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you won’t make your husband happy. There are ups and downs in life, and that is okay. That does not mean you should stop trying, though. Like you said, be selfless, and in most cases, you’ll be rewarded (maybe not immediately but definately in the long haul).
One area that I struggle with in trying to please my husband is sometimes I feel, for lack of a better word, stupid, after I try. For example, I make a meal that I think will please him and he’ll make a negative or, what I perceive as a slightly mocking comment about it. Then I just feel foolish and embarrassed, I want to pull into myself and just sort of back off, if that makes sense. It’s not that he’s a bad guy, I know he loves me and he’s good to me, he just doesn’t realize how his offhand remarks can sting. This may seem silly, but it’s something I have a hard time with.
I keep a collection of prayers and psalms to pray when I need help putting my thoughts and feelings into words. I think this prayer, attributed to St. Francis, would be good for women who struggle, as Aubrey does, with caring about their husbands’ happiness.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
But I think in your case, you can still bring this up to him. Not when your angry and not with the attitude of starting a fight but just in a sense of saying something along the lines, “I know you don’t do this on purpuse but when you do A, B and C, it sometimes really hurts my feelings”. Sounds to me like he just has that kind of sense of humor and he doesn’t even realize he’s upsetting you, and there’s no way he can know unless you tell him. I don’t think you are any less of a submissive and Godly wife if you are honest about your feelings with your husband, as long as you articulate these things in the right manner.
I totally get that. But in my case it’s because my husband is very capable, far more capable than I and I feel that my efforts just don’t measure up to what he could have done. He is very kind to me, though I never says anything mean or cutting about my efforts. I’m very blessed.
Thanks for this post! I really appreciate your blog! It’s always spot on to exhort, edify and encourage me in my walk! I need it!!
I find humor really helps in these types of situations. If my husband made a negative comment about my meal I’d say something like,”if you keep being mean I’m gonna have to get my belt and teach you some manners!” Then I’d look really tough with a slight smile. If you’re ever challenged on whether or not you can actually mete out the discipline, it would give you a chance to wrestle (put your assets forward) and have a happy evening for you both. 😉
I can relate to this so much! It is a constant battle for me, too.
Have you told him how his comments make you feel?
My husband is sometimes the same. If I try a new recipe often his first reaction is “ew!” before he’s even tried it! He had no idea it upset me for him to react like that, it’s just the “way he is” but I keep telling him (nicely) and he keeps promising to make an effort. I *think* he’s getting better.
You’re welcome, Carrie!
I ask my family to rate my meals on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest. My daughter’s rate is usually 6 to 9, occasionally a 10; however my husband holds fast at a 7 on 95% of my meals. It’s a silly thing we do and if I try a new recipe and ask how they liked it, they may say “it was good, but I wouldn’t want it again”. They appreciate what I do and I appreciate their honest feed back.
One of the most mature things a wife can do is not allow her “feelings” to be hurt. I used to be this way but when I just read what you wrote, it seemed so childish. The more we learn to not allow our emotions and feelings to control us, the better off we will be.
There is a couple that just made a video about the dangers of women in the workforce, lies of universities, and women being help meets thought I’d share :).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spg3-5CHDGE
Loved that! Such an encouragement to hear their journey. Thanks for sharing and Lori for posting it.
Absolutely. Learning to put his needs above my own has saved our marriage. It has been freeing to me and I have more happiness now than I ever have. The feminist propaganda is all lies. What a complete turnaround I’ve experienced. I can’t describe how freeing it has been to put his needs before mine. He always naturally put my needs before his and he didn’t need to be told to do that. He naturally wanted to. That could be why there is no directive for men to do that because they already want to. Women have a tendency to henpeck and need to be reminded to honor their husbands.
Your husband is blessed, Vakota!
I am currently really struggling with this. I have always tried to please my husband. He is the critical type. Then to top it all off several years into our marriage he decided porn was important to him at the recommendation of some “friends”. So off and on for over 20 years I have had to deal with being compared to porn and told of my “lack”. He is now getting help for addiction, but I struggle to love him. Honestly, I struggle to even like him. Most days I just feel hatred for him and I know I shouldn’t. I am stuck. I don’t know how to push the negative emotions aside and allow new positive ones to take hold. He is trying to change, but I just see him as who he was before and I am afraid I always will.
I was wondering if any other ladies on here have been through a similar situation and how they worked through all the negative emotions to get to a new relationship?
“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but Until seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:21, 22)
Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Maybe even memorize it.
Thank you Lori. I am working on forgiveness, but for me it has been a move forward move back event.
On my good days I know that my husband was deceived by Satan and I have compassion for him. But then the next day I wake up and I am angry with him for being deceived. I feel like a crazy person. I know the kind of wife I want to be. And this is not it. I want to be rock solid in loving him through this. I want to be rock solid in forgiving this and moving forward to a new marriage free of the baggage of our past.
How did you renew your mind when changing for Ken? I understand our situations are a bit different, but I would think some of the same tools could apply. I can’t get a handle on the negative thoughts that run through my mind. I have days of such clarity of mind and then I think “yes I can do this. With God’s help he can change, I can change”. Then I have such low days where I think “nope this will never get better, I will never be enough for him, he will always be a liar and manipulator etc.”. I really do feel like I’m going crazy. I was told by a friend that once my husband gave his life to Christ and turned from his sin that Satan would attack me instead. Maybe that is what I am experiencing.
I will work on memorizing the scripture you suggested. Thank you.
I am just getting caught up on some of the articles you have written.
Life is not about happiness, but being obedient to God. My wife submits and obeys, an unpopular concept in this society, because of her obedience to God, in the power of the Holy Spirit. I love my wife not because she makes me happy, but because God has called me to do so as Christ has loved the church, and impossible task, but that is the goal. When we both are doing what God has called us to, we find we both enjoy more happiness and satisfaction in our marriage. Imagine that … God knew exactly what He was doing when He wrote the instructions for a blessed marriage.
Hi Again, I have really been going over the verses you gave me today and praying. Really taking the time to read them slowly and think about the words. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I AM being run by my feelings. Feelings of fear, insecurity and mistrust. I am not rejoicing in the truth and the truth is after years of living in sin my husband has repented and given his life to the Lord. I should be rejoicing! Who cares how we got here, we are here! It’s like I’ve been sitting in my protective bubble of hurt and I have missed the bigger picture. The bigger picture is eternity in heaven. The bigger picture is being obedient to my Lord. If I know the wife I want to be, then I need to be that wife. What’s keeping me from being the rock solid loving, forgiving wife? Me and my feelings! So I have been allowing my feelings to lead me to “truth” (lies actually) instead of allowing truth (God’s Word) lead me to the correct feelings and actions. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, just wanted to share that I see that I’ve been doing it all backwards and that’s why I’m stuck. I feel like an idiot!
Thank you so much for always speaking truth even if it hurts our feelings. HaHa.
You’re welcome! We must learn to be led by the Truth in God’s Word rather than our emotions or feelings.
Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ and faithful renew your mind with the Truth of God’s Word. This is how we are transformed!
I am married to an addict and it’s like being married to two different men. Sometimes he’s wonderful, sometimes I struggle to even live him. It is so hard!
For me, I have found that simply praying helps the most. I thank God for the man He gave me to love, and ask Him to help me to love my man more, even when it’s hard. God has been faithful in helping me, but I do still struggle.
I agree with you 100%. The world may look at us like we are crazy but as long as we are living out our wifely and motherly duties as God intends everything we be just fine. I love the way God has designed marriage it is the world who has twisted ideas about it.
I agree with you 100%. The world may look at us like we are crazy but as long as we are living out our wifely and motherly duties as God intends everything we be just fine. I love the way God has designed marriage it is the world who has twisted ideas about it.
It is interesting, my husband prefers me with short hair, not long hair. I look much better with it short.