Marrying a Virgin is No Big Deal?

Marrying a Virgin is No Big Deal?

You would think from the reaction (even from Christians) from my viral post, Men Prefer Debt Free Virgins Without Tattoos, that marrying a virgin or not is no big deal. After all, there are few virgins, anyway, so what does it matter? Once one is forgiven, it’s all washed clean, right?

For one thing, God, our Creator, tells us that it matters. He commands older women to teach younger women to be chaste. This means to remain virgins until marriage and then faithful to one’s husband after marriage. If it matters to God, it should matter a whole lot to us!

Sex isn’t just a little and insignificant activity as our culture has tried to make it. It’s not just a physical act between two people with no consequences. No, it’s deeply spiritual. In the act of having sex, a new life can be created. This is supposed to only happen in the bonds of marriage – two becoming one flesh. Sex, my friends, is spiritual and meaningful. It’s not some inconsequential act between a man and woman.

We need to begin teaching the young people to wait for marriage. Their virginity belongs to their future spouse alone. It’s not something to give away freely. Most who give it away freely, struggle in marriage with sex. Teach your young daughters that they will want to save themselves so that when they meet a godly man, they can stand before him and tell him that they have saved themselves for him. Teach the same to your son – to wait patiently for a godly wife. Yes, promiscuity hurts men deeply, too.

Here is a comment from a man who made the mistake of marrying a woman who wasn’t a virgin. Yes, it can leave many scars. A woman who commits her life to Jesus Christ and is truly transformed by Him can find some healing but there are usually still scars from past sins she’s committed; for God tells us that one who commits fornication, sins against their own body. Many young women are infertile or have STDs from their promiscuous younger years.

“I forgave my wife for her pattern of fornication that she claimed was prior to her salvation. She cried and begged for my forgiveness. I forgave her and, thanks to nonsense I had heard preached in church, I foolishly assumed that was all behind us.

“On our honeymoon, her intimacy issues reared their ugly head. One week in, I felt tricked and trapped by my faith. Her ‘intimacy anorexia’ has made my life excruciating. She apparently was not repentant in the least; she just knew that she needed to appear that way to get me to marry her. She is currently bankrupting me in divorce court and has kept me from my sons for most of two and a half years of their lives so far.

“I made my sons swear to me that they will only marry a virgin, and that they themselves should keep themselves virgins to deserve one. Of all the stupid things I’ve done in my life, marrying a non-virgin has cost me ten times more than all the other mistakes combined. Learn from the ruin of my home.

“Also, please pray for my wife’s repentance. She doesn’t fear for her soul, but I do. Right now, she and the kids are on vacation with her entirely immoral family, and they’re probably telling ‘virgin jokes’ again to try to undo what I’ve taught my sons.”

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
Hebrews 13:4

42 thoughts on “Marrying a Virgin is No Big Deal?

  1. I do feel horrible for that poor fellow. I know I will definitely be teaching my children better than I was taught AND putting protections in place. I’m not looking to control them but if they are in my house or on our payroll there will be boundaries. If they leave our home unmarried they will have a clear understanding of the spiritual meaning of sex and the tools to protect themselves.

    The older generation really did drop the ball and that is why you have so much backlash from people who claim to follow Christ when you post about the most basic truths.

  2. Wonderful advice, Lori! But what should women who have previously been married, and divorced, and then become Christian, or widows do?

    1. Widows are free to marry, but only another Christian. The scripture tells us this directly. A divorced woman should remain unmarried or else reconcile to her husband. If her ex-husband dies, then she is free to remarry a believer just as a widow would be. If her ex-husband remarries, then reconciliation is no longer possible and she is free to remarry a believer just as a widow would be.

      1. Hi Lindsay! I have a question for you. What happens if a divorced woman cannot due to abuse be reconciled with her husband? Why should they remain unmarried? I am confused about that. Thank you.

        1. Marriage is a spiritual bond. Spiritual is not the same as ethereal which isn’t something easily held onto. Spiritual is reality. It is an unseen reality but just as real as a physical reality. When you marry God recognizes the covenant and joins you together. One finds that through the Bible God recognizes marriages of heathens and the Godly alike.

          So despite how mean one’s husband is, he is still joined to you. Remarriage is only permitted when one spouse dies and the spiritual bond is broken. Some site one scripture in Matthew that they feel may let them divorce (and by extension remarry) if their spouse is unfaithful but many faithful Bible scholars will point out that Matthew on writing to the Jewish audience was speaking of betrothal and use their understanding of Greek to back up this practice. Either way, God never gives a special dispensation or says He’ll dissolve a bond based on abuse.

          But don’t despair as God still watches out for those who call on Him. Read the story of Abigail from the Old Testament.

          1. I completely agree. Divorce simply is not part of God’s plan. If a woman is widowed she may marry without sin. But a married woman is married for life whatever sin her husband may be guilty of.

          2. Thank you for this beautiful explanation! I think it’s very important for young Christians to fully appreciate that divorce is not normal. God forgives, of course but divorce should not be an option for Christians. Even in abusive situations or infidelity that call for separation divorce shouldn’t be entertained. Loyalty to the covenant is more important than the feminist diatrabe of ‘you deserve to be happy and move on.’ That’s not how a covenant works. As someone who was courted by a divorcee I found that commitment was a recurrent issue, not even in the relationship itself but in terms of life choices and an inability to firmly plant themselves in a course of life, work, habits etc. It made me realized that as much as the Church is to open their arms to divorcees and certainly Christ can change hearts but there is something fundamental that is broken by divorce and it WILL manifest evil because what God has joined together cannot be torn apart without consequence.

            Welcome divorcees into Church but not to form invalid relationships which Evangelical and Pentecostal Churches seem to encourage. It goes against Biblical marriage. I think every Church should abide by the very basic rule that they don’t perform second marriages, except where two widows are getting married.

      2. I completely agree – of course a widow or widower is free to remarry, but divorce is fundamentally against Gods vision for our lives and has absolutely no Biblical validity.

        1. Hi Brenna, one should not conflate divorce with remarriage. We are told in 1 Corinthians 7 verses 10 and 11 these things, “And unto the married I command, yet not I but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband; and let not the husband put away his wife.

          So firstly, God reiterates here that no one is sanctioned by Him to divorce. He then goes on to tell us that if one does divorce (which again is against His will), there is to be no remarriage. This is where the passage in Matthew comes in that I alluded to earlier. “The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they Twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.

          So there is no excuse to divorce and definitely no permission to remarry if one is divorced no matter the situation.

          In a Godly society if the husband committed certain sins (molested children, homosexual behavior, raped women, etc.) he would be killed which would leave the wife a widow and free to remarry. Sadly we don’t live in a Godly society.

        2. Brenna, irrespective of the gravity of the crime (I fully accept domestic violence is a crime) it does not warrant divorce. Divorce is a topic Jesus speaks on, very clearly. He addresses divorce for the reason of fornication alone and explains that remarriage while the other party lives is adultery. There is no clause for violence or unhappiness.
          Frankly speaking is domestic violence results in a jail term its actually a level of success in addressing the situation. Most perpetrators of domestic violence do not ever face the legal consequences of their actions. A jail term will force a separation and if the criminal justice system worked it would actually rehabilitate the offender. Of course that’s not what happens but it’s what should happen.
          You should look at the Catholic Churches discussion and procedures on divorce. The Church has to dispense a divorce/annulment which is extremely rare. They also do not perform second marriages. What you will gather from it is that Christian marriage is not a Marriage Certificate, therefore it cannot be reduced to a divorce certificate. The covenant is greater than any piece of paper, Christian marriage is the design of God himself and it cannot be broken.

      1. Hi Lisa, I know I’m not Lindsay but I thought I’d reply to you concerning 1 Corinthians 7:14-15. The letters to the Corinthians were written to new Christians “Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. AND SUCH WERE SOME OF YOU: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.
        1 Corinthians 6:9-11 . So a number of the new converts were already married when they came to Christ. That is why Paul writes these words to them. So some people became Christians while their spouse did not. Apparently some of the unbelieving spouses then wanted to leave. Those are free to leave but as Christians we see in the verses just before verse 15, we are called to keep our covenants or restore them if need be.

        Being that this is the internet and it is inefficient to type out tons of verses I can see why you sited just the main one that boils down the question you had. But perhaps you will have time to read the whole letter of 1 Corinthians. I find that if one reads the epistles as they were read aloud to the church, as a whole letter, so many “discrepancies” get ironed out. In fact I think taking the letter of Romans in pieces instead of a whole letter has given rise to a whole doctrine that is widely preached in today’s churches. But I digress…

      2. I hope this helps, Lisa, and I have a bit more to say that is not directed toward you :). I have some literature that provides this understanding, “If a deserted spouse remarries or if a virgin marries, it is not a sin. (In verse 27 of 1 Cor. 7, the word “free” is in the passive voice in the original Greek, [literally, the word is “loosed”], implying that the person was deserted and was not the one who initiated the divorce. The phrase in verse 28, “but if you do marry,” is a reference to the situation in the previous verse of one who has been loosed from being bound in marriage.”…).
        The grammar and tenses and voices are so important.
        So many people want to throw others under the bus when it was not their choice to be divorced, abused, abandoned…. When in the hands of someone being used by the devil, they want to mar others. They want to blame you and choose your future for you, such as saying you cannot remarry, meaning no sex for you, no children for you, no one to cuddle with…The partner leaving the marriage will decide this for you too. Read Malachi, a man can “treacherously” depart from his wife, and God is not happy about it to say the least. As I have discussed with Lori before and she removed it from a past post of hers, it does not take two to cause a divorce and there can be an innocent party. To condemn the innocent is cruel! When one chooses to live out of their sin nature they received at the Fall, someone is going to get hurt. We are now a new bride and our desire is to Christ and His desire is to us (2 Cor. 11: 1-3, SOS 7:10- by the way, same Hebrew word for desire as in Genesis 3:16 , in which I would add, God did not sabotage marriage with women controlling men, but that behavior comes from the sin nature received at the Fall that wants to dominate without respects to gender or marriage, or it goes to the other extreme of being a coward without respects to gender or marriage. Because of God calling out to Adam in the Garden of Eden, we’ve been reconciled to God and each other, otherwise, we’d still belong to Satan.) Talk about remarriage! We’re married to the second Adam and our desire is to Him and He rules over us and will rule eternally over us, while Satan will be crushed. The Bride has a bright future!
        Please let’s stop keeping people bound to their past sins, and sins that, yes, they committed since salvation. So many of us received Christ as a child, and then going through adolescence, or even through neglect and not receiving protection from parents, siblings, friends,… were exposed to sins we never wanted to participate in. Let’s protect each other, and speak up when needed, and yes, provide teaching with grace.
        You are in Christ. Secure. If you have sexual sin in the past, shake it off. If you are practicing it now, confess it, flee from it, shake it off. Sure, it’s a sin against the body, but we are in Christ. No, the damage does not have to remain, and yes, STDs might, but they can be cured. Isn’t God big enough?

        Much Love

  3. All sins can be forgiven but preference wise being a virgin is so important. Don’t have to worry about sexual desensitization, STD risk, etc. As a guy a virgin is ideal but I know we live in a fallen world and I know God’s grace. If you’re a woman and had pre marital sex its ok just save yourself for marriage NOW.

    1. 1 Cor. 6:9-11  Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals,  nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. Such *were* some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God. 

      I love this passage because, while committing these sins is a very serious offense, those who are in Christ are no longer fornicators or adulterers or thieves or drunkards or homosexuals or any of these. We have been washed and sanctified. Those sins are gone and we can walk in righteousness from this time forward. Those who have had sex outside marriage can have those sins washed away and become as virgins, but they must repent and turn away from their sin.

    2. Why are so many people focusing so much on the woman’s virginity and not the man’s? Sex outside of marriage is a sin, regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman. Seems like a double standard to me.

    1. “I think marrying a virgin is a huge deal, as it means she is faithful to the idea of being devoted to her husband alone, and has actual self-control!” – What a powerful truth.

      1. I would add that keeping herself pure for marriage shows obedience to God, a respect for both her future husband and for the children she will one day (God willing) bring into the world.

        It is absolutely against the sexualised, feminist and sinful world view now forced down the throats of our daughters, but the fact is that God clearly places a woman’s virginity as incredible special and significant. So much so that his only son was born to a virgin.

  4. Iam entirely grateful for this piece of writing.

    I will be 23 years old on the 26th of August.I have just graduated from the university.

    Not yet physically engaged to my fiance but we are planning for our wedding by God’s grace December.

    I Have by God’s grace kept my self hoping for the promises of God for a Godly man who will appreciate Chastity and draw me closer to God. He has been faithful and he answered my prayers.

    My fiance through out our journey of 5 years In relationship Always has been faithful in that aspect. He also revealed to me more on God’s wish for chastity. We have promised not to defile our Bodies but wait until he blesses our Union.

    He is 30years old. I pray God will keep his little ones who are coming up in this generation not to be corrupted by evil knowledge of the world. May raise Godly women who will teach our younger women to keep themselves and conform themselves to chaste lives.

    I pray God to bless my family as we wait patiently for his will and time.

    Thank you for promoting Chastity. Reading through your writings has kept me alive. And I have hopes that one day our women and men will be proud of virgins instead of mocking them.

    1. Congratulations on your engagement — and graduation! I was a military wife for nearly 20 years and I can tell you from my experience and listening to other spouses, your experience with chastity prior to marriage has strengthened you both to do battle with the upcoming times of “worse”, “poorer”, and “sickness” that plague every marriage. Turn to each other when you physically can when those times come, and know that you have earned other’s trust when you can’t.

      Best Wishes!

      1. Maybe her experience with chastity will help her with upcoming times of “worse”, “poorer”, and “sickness” but im sure good communication skill, coping skills, knowledge of self, etc. would probably help a whole lot more. Not all virgins make good wives.

  5. It is sooo important to be clean before marriage as sex can become a ‘tool’ for those who have ‘wielded’ it before. Being chaste and giving yourself wholely to your husband eliminates that and brings you closer to each other. When you love, deeply love, your husband you will be filled with love which fills your house and children with love. Having lived in the ‘modern’ world, I did not understand this principle but I have seen it in other Godly households and I am learning it now. One of the godliest woman I know Never ‘witnessed’ to me or made me feel outcast. She lived her life as a Godly wife and mother and has the most amazing adult children who married amazing adult spouses. It is by her example that I have reexamined my life and through this post that I have sought to become a better wife.

  6. I wish I had not married my wife, as her sinful past followed us. She told me she had sex with her ex finance and no one else. She confessed to our pastor, who told me she was truly repentant.

    But her guilt from her past still controls her and it was been terrible on our marriage for over 20 years. Of course, I later found out her 1 partner was actually many……

    Please counsel your sons to marry virgins and to keep themselves pure. My wife and I continue to suffer from your bad youthful choices. I wish I had not married her, no matter how much I love her.

  7. I am so blessed to have been taught the importance of remaining a virgin until marriage and my husband and I are trying to teach our own children this, in our highly-sexualised culture.

  8. Oh wow. What a sad story. That poor man! Yes, there is always forgiveness at the foot of the cross, but that doesn’t always erase the earthly consequences.

    1. Courtney is absolutely right. Sexual sins can be completely forgiven if one repents, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be real world repercussions that can last a lifetime. Even if one is lucky enough to avoid physical repercussions like STDs and unwanted pregnancies, one cannot erase memories.

      Sex is a wonderful blessing from God. It’s meant to be more than a mere physical act. If one loves their neighbor as scripture commands, one will not rob their future spouse of what’s rightfully theirs. They will save themselves for their future mate and present themselves as a pure gift.

      That said, the modern church is often complicit in the sexual immorality that pervades our culture. How so? When we tell young men and women to hold off on marriage, build careers and material wealth, get an education, etc for many years after they are sexually mature, we are creating a heavy burden for many that will result in many (most) not saving themselves for marriage.

      What does scripture say? It says it’s better to marry than burn (1 Corinthians 7:9). Many modern Christians look the other way when their young adult children have relationships. The parents tell their children to not rush marriage, even though the children are adults who are having sexual relationships outside of marriage. What does scripture say? Better to marry than burn!

      1. Chris, you are right!

        I go often to a cafeteria. I live in the “Bible-belt”, most would think women here are more conservative. I see 20s-30 year old women studying at this coffee shop. Few men do I see studying for college (and all of the young men look single).

        When I happen to drive by their college, the majority of students I see walking on the street are girls. These are marriage aged women who most likely end up single later in life.

    2. Courtney – I completely agree. Of course a repentant sinner can be forgiven. But virginity once lost cannot be recovered and the damage that causes to a future marriage will remain

  9. Honestly, it sounds like her not being a virgin is not the main problem in the story- it sounds like he married a gold-digger!

    1. I wrote this in a previous comment but it was not posted – intimacy anorexia is partly about exerting control over one’s spouse. So yes, she was possibly a gold digger. She also wants to be in control, to manipulate her husband, and uses intimacy as a tool in doing that.
      But, just like any other addiction, it is treatable!

      Trauma is often the initial cause/trigger. It’s nothing to do with virginity (unless the trauma is from an earlier sexual partner; it most often comes from traumatic childbirth).

      A truly submissive woman is not going to have intimacy anorexia, no matter how many men she has slept with before marriage.

  10. It may not be fashionable to say it and it will certainly infuriate the feminist lobby. But it is incredibly important and significant for a woman to be a virgin on her wedding day. But more than that it is a beautiful tribute to God, her husband and to her children.

  11. I always thought that Gods will for me was to bear children. Sadly, due to me being divorced before I was born again this won’t happen.

    1. Lydia, please read my reply to Lisa. It wouldn’t have mattered if divorce took place after salvation. Again, look for my reply to Lisa. Paul was answering letters people wrote to him about their concerns. We can discuss this more if you like:).

  12. Curious to know if it matter who divorced who? For example if your husband divorced you because he was having an affair.

  13. I feel like I need to post this for any woman who is reading this who has sinned in premarital sex before:
    I had premarital sex, became a Christian, and went on to marry a WONDERFUL Christian man. He knows my entire sexual history, has forgiven me, and we have an amazing, Christ-centered marriage. Sometimes these comments make me feel sad, because a new Christian reading this who has had premarital sex will feel very discouraged. YES, sin has consequences, but that doesn’t mean they they are completely blacklisted as marriage material. I still found a faithly, Godly man who married me despite my sin.

    Ladies, if you have had premarital sex you can always repent. It doesn’t mean that a Christian man will not want to marry you. Lastly, statics show that men are more likely to engage in premarital sex at a younger age AND have more partners than women. So the unfortunate reality is that women have a harder time finding virginal men than the opposite.

    1. I don’t think anyone has ever stated that women who had premarital sex are completely blacklisted as marriage material and it’s still good and right to encourage young women to remain virgins until marriage because we know that God’s ways are perfect!

  14. Hi

    I believe that men & women alike should wait till marriage for sex. And tattoos get gross after a while. We waited for marriage & we dont have tattoos.

    Everyone always talks about a cheating husband, that the wife has to remain married to such a guy, but what about the wife that cheats (sorry women, it does happen, seen it firsthand) is the husband to stay with her? We dont hear anything about that.

    My husband & I both believe if both spouse are cheating on each other, then work it out. If only one is cheating, the other needs to go on with their lives, especially if their are children. Its a horrible example for both girls and boys alike, it show that wedding vows and marriages are not important, nothing to take seriously and that you can have as many sex partners as you like.

    If I hadnt been raised in church from the day I came home from being born, if I was new to christ, I would think that marriage is not important, and serving God is not important, because married people & professed christians are just freely sleeping around just like worldly people.

    Thanks
    God Bless

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