Ramblings on Affairs and Divorce
Affairs and divorce seem to be common among Christians these days, and I have some ramblings I want to share with you about them. Divorce is becoming a pretty common thing now unfortunately. As soon as people have a problem in their marriage instead of trying to fix things, they go straight into filing for a divorce.
Keep on reading to hear my ramblings though, in order to do this properly, I am going to tell a fake story with fake names but with many truthful facts that are happening in couples we know personally.
Sue and Jim have been married for fifteen years. They have four children ages six, eight, ten, and twelve. Sue is a stay-at-home wife. She is a rebellious wife. She doesn’t keep the home clean. She doesn’t fix Jim meals after he gets home from working ten hard hours at work trying to provide a living for his family. She doesn’t do his laundry. She hasn’t given him sex for six years, since the last child was conceived. She uses foul language often and is a very bitter woman towards Jim.
Jim tries to do what he can to make her happy but to no avail. He is being mentored by godly men and still nothing ever seems to improve. Things just continue to get worse. There’s a kind woman at his work who he’s been getting to know. She encourages him and they enjoy each other. They finally begin having an affair.
About six months later, Sue finds out about the affair and divorces Jim. She takes half of what he owns and lets everyone know what a horrible husband he was for having an affair and being a covenant breaker. All of their friends feel so badly for Sue and comfort her and give Jim a cold shoulder.
Now, I want you to be honest with me? Who was at the most fault for the destruction of this marriage? Yes, they both sinned against each other but according to our culture, Jim was far worse than Sue since he had an affair and according to Jesus, adultery is a reason for divorce. But Jesus also said that if a man lusts after another woman, he commits adultery in his heart. Therefore, if a man lusts after a woman, his wife can divorce him because he committed adultery in his heart and adultery is a reason for divorce.
If this reasoning stands and Christians believe it to be so, then all wives can divorce their husbands because, most likely, all men have lusted after a woman who is not their wife at one time or another. Here’s the conversation Jesus had with the Pharisees about divorce from Matthew 19:
3 The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?
4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,
5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
7 They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?
8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.
9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
There’s no command there from Jesus to divorce. In fact, he stated that divorce was only given because of the “hardness of your hearts” and “what therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” Look at the book of Hosea; it is an example of Christ being faithful to His Bride even during her unfaithfulness to Him.
What am I trying to get at here? I believe that Sue was every bit as guilty, if not more, in tearing her marriage apart. She refused to submit to her husband’s leadership, she failed to be available sexually, and she failed to love, for love is patient and kind. No, it doesn’t excuse Jim for having an affair but most women who divorce their husbands because their husbands had an affair fail to give any explanation of how they were as a wife. Were they available as a help meet to their husband? Were they submissive and kind to him? Did they learn what pleased him? Did they follow their husband’s leadership as head of their home or were they so busy doing their own thing (in the name of ministry) that they failed to minister to their husband as a priority?
When I mentor women, the first thing most of them do is tell me how horrible their husbands are but then I ask them how they are as a wife? Without fail, there are many things they are doing wrong, too. It almost always takes two to destroy a marriage in the end and neither party is blameless.
This is all I wanted to say. I hate divorce. God hates divorce. It’s so destructive not only for the children but for culture and the name of Christ, too. I don’t like seeing these famous “Christian” women bloggers/preachers/teachers telling us about divorcing their husbands because their husbands had affairs, yet fail to say anything they did to tear down their marriage. They easily expose all of their husbands’ sins but none of their own and I seriously doubt they are completely innocent, then everyone feels so badly for the women and expresses what a jerk their husbands were. It all seems wrong to me, when yes, adultery is wrong, but there is more blame to go around than just on the husbands who had an affair.
At least, be honest about what really happened, give no details at all, or best of all, try to win back their husbands by practicing 1 Peter 3:1-6, for love bears all things, believes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. Aren’t Christians supposed to be different? Aren’t we supposed to have strong marriages that are examples to a lost world of Christ’s forgiveness and His unending and enduring love for His Church?
The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:39
38 thoughts on “Ramblings on Affairs and Divorce”
I agree with you, Lori. I also find it so sad when a woman exposes all of the sins of her husband to people that are practically strangers just to get emotional support and comfort, yet will say nothing about how she contributed to the destruction of her marriage. And this is particularly ugly if they have children that are exposed to this type of bad-mouthing against their father.
The story you just wrote is almost identical to a friend of mine. Sadly. When her husband had an affair and ultimately left his wife for the new woman, we were disgusted at him. After finding out more about their relationship, I was no longer shocked that he did this. It does not excuse it, but the road was paved. It was heartbreaking. Now, that it’s been years, she realizes the error of her ways and is deeply regretful. He happens to be friends with my husband and he has openly told him “I gave her the world and she didn’t appreciate me at all nor did she respect me as a husband. “Jane” did. ”
As well as many of the things written, not everything is just black and white. Sometimes men just stray. A wife can be the epitome of the Word, and husbands still sin deeply or leave the marriage. Sometimes, it is JUST the man’s fault. 🙁
This is a powerful post and one that everyone should read… It spoke volumes to me. Thank you so much. Your posts never fail to challenge us all to live according to God’s ways, even when society says so much otherwise. It’s just sad when you see Christians falling for it too.
The Bible says except it be for fornication it does not say except it be for adultery. This is a very important point. Only Matthew mentions this and only Matthew mentions that Joseph sought to put Mary away. Why? Because of fornication. (At least till the angel enlightened Joseph) Once marriage vows are done it really is till death do us part. . . Not adultery or abandonment or whatever else. The problems may be severe enough to seek separation or divorce but if there is a living spouse in the picture it’s adultery to remarry.
It’s very sad, Mrs. G., but I believe they do it to justify their divorce. It would be better to just say they are getting a divorce without giving any details than to speak evil against their spouse. It would be best if they tried to win them without a word by being in subjection to them with godly behavior, as the Lord instructs.
Thank you. I needed to read this today!!
Yes, there are a few truly “evil” men who no matter how amazing the wife is will do bad things but I believe they are very small in number and most men wouldn’t have an affair if their wives were godly, kind, tender-hearted, servants, who deeply loved, care for, respected, and submitted to them. Why would they want to go any place else?
It is sad, Katie. It’s heartbreaking since strong nations are built upon strong families and if Christian families can’t be examples of strong families, who can? Divorce is devastating to children.
It does indeed say fornication which means (according to the 1828 Webster’s Dictionary): “The incontinence or lewdness of unmarried persons, male or female; also, the criminal conversation of a married man with an unmarried woman.” According to the dictionary, it includes a married man having inappropriate relations with an unmarried woman which is adultery.
Oh man, you hit the nail on the head with this one. I realized many years ago after reading Debi Pearl’s book, that my sins were just as big, if not bigger then my husband’s – but oh so much easier to conceal. Our church has some very “strong” women in it and personally I almost would not blame their husbands for having an affair. (None are). The sad thing is I am seeing the pattern repeated in their daughters now. Attitudes are so important.
Your story could have the names of several of my family members in it… 🙁
The organized church is falling apart, yet the real church of God lives in the hearts and minds of those who love Jesus and prove out their live by walking in obedience. In most cases, divorce is nothing more than telling Jesus, “Forget you! I want to do things my way. You may be the God of the universes who made me, and you may be my Lord and Savior, but I know what is best for my life, and I know you want me to be happy!”
It’s the same old lie from Satan repeated over and over again: “Did God really say that? Who knows better than you how to run your own life?” Being the god of one’s own life is what even far too many Christians are all about even as they go week by week to church.
Although in many marriages the fault for divorce lies some with each party, that is not true in others. There can indeed be a godly and faithful spouse who is divorced by an ungodly, unfaithful one. It is not unusual to see the guys I mentor working ever so hard to show love and sacrifice to their wives and the wife still treats them cruelly because of her past bitterness. It can happen the other way around, but emotional baggage carried by a wife in a marriage can defile everyone around them.
Yes!!! I love this so much, and completely agree. I feel bad for the men of this culture. They sure get the short end of the stick many times. Good for you, Lori, for standing on the Word of God and speaking truth. I’m sure you get blasted for it at times. I hope it doesn’t get you down and that you keep blogging! I have benefited from what you write! ?
The Greek word for fornication is porneia which is the sexual relations between unmarried persons. Jesus is referring here to the Jewish betrothal custom.
It seems to be common in our feminized church these days, sadly, and the older women are not teaching the younger women to love and obey their husbands and be keepers at home. So few Christian women are doing these things which are vital to strong and happy marriages.
Thanks, Lori, for speaking the truth in Love.
Why was Sue so bitter towards Jim?
It sure can and we see it way too often, unfortunately, and continue to pray for healing in these marriages.
Yes, I get blasted but you get somewhat used to it after a while, Courtney. There are a few good verses that I cling to and give me strength. Speaking the truth in love is never easy since most see speaking truth as harsh yet it’s the most loving thing we can do!
You’re welcome, Holly! I love the truth of God’s ways, even when they are often they are contrary to the ways of the world.
Many wives are bitter towards their husbands for no reason, Opus. I was for 23 years until I saw how destructive it was to our marriage. Women have a tendency to focus on all of the negative qualities of their husband instead of the good.
I have never been bitter against my husband in my 35 years of marriage. No he isn’t perfect, but neither am I. We have never held bitterness against each other.
Lori and friends, I want to say this with respect and kindness. There is something very dangerous here. While we are focusing on this imaginary couple and pointing out the obvious and glaring errors made by the wife, it is very easy to think to ourselves: “No worries for me. I ALWAYS say yes to my husband and provide plenty of sex, I keep the home, I guide the children, I respect him and I submit. It CAN’T happen to me. My husband won’t have an affair, no way!” Ladies, we deceive ourselves. Yes, it CAN happen to you or to me, even if we do everything right. Ladies, God has not promised us that our husbands will return our fidelity and love. Be careful of pride, it does indeed go before the fall.
You are right, Tam. A wife could be doing everything right and her husband can still be unfaithful but the odds are much greater that it won’t happen. But if it does, she must fight for her husband’s eternal soul and her marriage because it will be worth the fight in the long run. We are called to suffer for righteousness sake and many women have done this and won their husbands back and had fabulous marriages afterwards. God is in the business of transforming lives.
Wives can be bitter against their husband’s for many different reasons. Eg, he doesn’t a precise all I do for him, he didn’t notice my new haircut, he works to much, he won’t let me sell our house and get a nicer one, he doesn’t work hard enough so we have to live in a dump, he won’t let me get a new car, he won’t repair damage to the house, he won’t talk to me, he watches too much TV etc etc. And so many other reasons a wife might be bitter. Particularly if well meaning friends have been in their ear.
Domestic Engineer,
If you haven’t done so already, please read divorce and remarriage by Michael Pearl.
Ugh! I so wouldn’t have much time for a woman like that. Just their house being a mess would speak volumes. Messy house often means a messy life and a messy mind. Combined with messy emotions.
God designed marriage to be a partnership between two sexes each with clear roles and responsibilities and each providing half the ingredients to make the cake. Feminism has destroyed that recipe by making women try to be men and men afraid to be men. They have then promoted contraception and divorce to further waken marriage.
Of course no husband is perfect, no wife ever could be either and of course men can stray into sin but that is of course a million times more likely if as women and wives we forget God’s design for us and if as a society we allow contraception and divorce and if we do not allow husbands to lead their families.
This post is spot on.
But remember, men are not the only ones who commit adultery. Women sometimes cheat on their husbands, too. But no matter who does the cheating, it is possible to get the marriage back on track again, if both spouses want to. I’ve seen it happen. With God’s help, anything can be overcome.
I agree but listen to the feminist outcry if you suggest submission in the abstract then try suggesting that husbands have a reasonable right to expect sex with their wives !
That’s right KAK, my marriage is a restored marriage. 🙂
The loveliest, most Christ-like woman I know has the messiest house I have ever seen. Honestly, you can’t even see the floor most of the time. It is an absolute tip. But she is the kindest, sweetest, most generous, loving woman you could ever encounter. She is the mother of 5 incredible girls, is always encouraging to everyone, and is truly one of the most beautiful-spirited people I know. I have never heard her say a bad word about anyone, and she always has time for others. Christ’s light shines forth brightly from her.
Please don’t “judge a book by its cover” as the saying goes 🙂
Lori,
Bold article. Yes I have thought that men and women can divorce because if lust is adultery than then many have committed adultery.
After my “submissive”, “respectful” wife got done dragging our family from church to church and let me have a say in the church we attend, I pointed out that our current church had 3 divorces in 9 months. 2 of the divorces were affairs by the husband. Only knowing the wives through small conversation, they were cold and “soveriegn” women.
We have not been to that church in 2 years but apparently there has been a rash of divorces.
I think you can easily say any problems in a marriage are the husbands fault.
The most frustrating thing besides lack of passion in my marriage is that my wife wants full authority with zero accountability or consequence.
A wife can certainly try to win her straying husband back, but if he is sleeping with other women, then she cannot let him to have sex with her until he stops his sin and goes through a thorough STD screening. There’s a huge risk of him bringing an STD into their marriage bed and infecting her. It’s a big health risk for the wife. This has happened to a couple of my clients before and it was devastating.
So yes, pray and try to win your husbands back, but if he’s making love to other women, for your safety you cannot allow him to make love to you until he ceases his dangerous behavior.
I don’t lust after other women. And no, I’m not homosexual and my libido is fine. All it takes is to decide that you no longer want to look at women as sexual objects, and choosing to look at their faces instead of other parts. Everything is possible, more so if you believe in Christ.
My wife is the only woman I want to look at.
Firstly, do you see her behind closed doors? And secondly, why is her house a mess? If she always has time for everyone else. But her home is suffering, there is something amiss.
Your wife is a very blessed woman indeed! I hope she realizes that. Oh how so many women wish it were so for them. It is a horrible thing to go through. Especially when you try so very hard to do everything “right”.
Yes I see her behind closed doors, that’s how I know what a beautiful person she is. I even lived there for a couple of months.
Her home is probably always a mess because she cares so much for others, and is very busy helping her husband’s business be a success. She is his help-meet in every way – including being right there by his side when he stops taking his medication for bipolar and needs hospitalisation. She is incredibly strong emotionally – she needs to be! But she insists she gets her strength from the Lord, not from herself.
Her husband doesn’t care about the state of the house; he cherishes his incredible wife and she’s a fantastic cook and always has delicious meals on time, it’s just the rest of the housekeeping side of things that is totally neglected. It could be because she is so much to so many people, that she simply doesn’t have the time to clean. But her daily life is a beautiful testimony to the love of Jesus.
You’d have to actually meet this woman to know what I mean, but her spirit is one of those who you just *know* is shining Jesus’ light brightly. She has so much love in her heart.
This happened to me. I gave 18 years of faithfulness and long suffering of intolerable criticism / attacks (she actually taught the eldest children to call me “bad Daddy” when she wanted to punish me) before SHE moved a college girl into the house (against my advice, but I was so emasculated by that time that I didn’t stand up to her). If complained so long about the lack of intimacy in our marriage (emotional and physical) that I actually tracked our sex life for two years so I’d have the evidence to prove it. (She made some effort… We went from 1.64 times monthly to 2.12. We were in our late 30s with all the kids in the local charter school and she only worked 10-15 hours a week as a personal assistant to a rich older widow.)
When the you’ve woman saw how I was treated by “the Warden” – how unhappy everyone was around her – she felt she could be a better companion. Wife took children on an overnight trip instead if letting me do it (I pleaded for her but to leave me alone)… And I woke up with this young woman naked in my bed doing her best to make my frustration go away.
I’m not saying what I did was right.. it was wrong to the core. But I get some blame for the breakup of the marriage. She gets the sympathy tour from casual acquaintances and HER friends. The people who’ve known us for 2 decades see through it (including her oldest sister & BIL); without excusing me, they acknowledge that I tried for so long to be a good husband & give her the life of a SAH mom. All I got was resentment, disrespect (public AND private), isolation from others, and alienation from her affections.
I find myself in my early 40s single again. Ours wasn’t a great love story to begin with. But I tried every day to make her happy. I praised her in the gates. I covered her many indiscretions (esp. financial ones). And I taught the children to honor her wishes, respect her commands. But none of that matters because in the end I was so starved for attention and respect that when I was at my lowest, I accepted it from a source she had brought in.
Hear me on this very clearly: just as it is a sin to have sex outside of marriage, it is equally sinful to refuse sex inside a marriage. It doesn’t have to be everything. Some people can’t have it as much as they want for physical – or even psychological / logistical reasons. But let your husband know, several times a week, that you understand his needs and want to meet them. Let him know that you appreciate his faithfulness. Let him know that even if you’re too tired, sore, or whatever to make love that he is welcome to delight in your body. Even non-nude contact will elevate oxytocin levels (the hormone that binds us to other humans). Make him yours every single chance that you get. If he has a decent heart, he won’t want another so long as he knows he’s wanted by you.