Suffering in This Life is Unavoidable

Suffering in This Life is Unavoidable

A comment by Mother Dearest on the post Christian Men Going Their Own Wrong Way

It’s a matter of urgency, Christians, both men and women need to be disabused of the fanciful notion that suffering in this life is avoidable. No amount of spouse vetting can guarantee a successful marriage, yet God says it is not good for the man to be alone. In fact, in 1 Timothy 4:1-3, one of the doctrines of demons to come in the latter days is forbidding marriage. No matter how obedient a woman is in being a keeper at home, submissive to her husband in everything, etc., she is not guaranteed exemption from widowhood, an adulterous husband, or involuntary divorce – yet God calls women to be keepers at home, to love their husbands and children. Failure to do so is said to bring about the blaspheming of the word of God in Titus 2:5.

The MGTOW man’s response to suffering in this life is akin to that of the young lady who in the attempt to hedge against marital failure takes out exorbitant student loans to earn academic qualifications and spends her youth climbing the career ladder only to find in the end that the opportunity cost is unbearable and regrettable.

We need to chose to obey God without trying to put safety nets of our own making in place first. God is our only refuge in this life and in the life hereafter.

We need to bear up under suffering knowing that God is sovereign over all His creation. He sees that cheating spouse. He sees that gate-keeping wife. He sees that porn addicted husband. He sees that contentious wife. God knows it all and He is in control of it all. Let’s go to God’s Word and see what He says to do in each circumstance rather than creating our own “response tactics” which are diametrically opposed to God’s Word even if it includes suffering.

Strive to obey God even in circumstances where you are ill-used and let God use that to fashion you further into the image of His Son.

 Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator.
1 Peter 4:19

33 thoughts on “Suffering in This Life is Unavoidable

  1. Hi Lori.
    The comment by Mother Dearest on the post Christian Men Going Their Own Wrong Way was on the post I made. To clarify, I am not forbidding marriage.

    Here are some things the Lord showed me in His word on this topic. Proverbs gives us a wealth of knowledge and wisdom for this time.

    The below is from a mother to her son:
    Proverbs 31 New King James Version (NKJV)
    The Words of King Lemuel’s Mother
    31 The words of King Lemuel, the utterance which his mother taught him:
    2 What, my son?
    And what, son of my womb?
    And what, son of my vows?
    3 Do not give your strength to women,
    Nor your ways to that which destroys kings.

    Proverbs speaks 5 times about the danger of the immoral woman. What does wisdom declare:
    Proverbs 22:3 New King James Version (NKJV)
    3 A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself,
    But the simple pass on and are punished.
    You can’t blame a man for using wisdom.

    Paul wrote this:
    1 Corinthians 7:28 New King James Version (NKJV)
    28 But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you.
    Note: Paul spoke about sparing someone from trouble. Also, the above speaks about a virgin. How many virgins are being rejected by men for marriage? How many partners does it take to make a woman unmarriageable?

    Finally, a man’s priority is to God and the mission he receives from Him:
    Matthew 19:29 New King James Version (NKJV)
    29 And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life.

    It is vitally important for us all to be wise and discerning especially in regards to relationships.

    In His service.
    Sean

    1. I do not disagree with what your write Sean, but feel it is important to point out that for the vast majority of men of God the greatest ministry we will ever have is in raising the next generation of godly children. Notwithstanding Paul’s words that he wants to spare us from suffering, there are few men who do not “burn” for a wife, and for family, and must recognize that it is our mission to fulfill in bringing godly offspring into this world. It is the first mission of “be fruitful and multiply” along with out greatest discipleship opportunity.

      If one is truly singularly focused on the things of God, or even believes themselves to not be marriageable materiel, these two types should not pursue marriage. But to the man who burns and yearns for a wife and family, he should trust in God and not what he sees in this world. Vette any potential candidates well, protect yourself as best you can, but recognize that love only flourishes in sacrifice. That includes marriage for God’s sake and the advancement of the Kingdom.

      1. Indeed I believe Ken has put it aptly. There are very few men who can walk in sexual purity before the Lord outside of marriage.

        Incidentally in the chapter that Sean highlights (Matthew 19), in verses 1 to 9, Jesus responds to the Pharisees’ question on divorce basically saying the provision for divorce is because of hardness of heart, otherwise marriage is for life. In the very next verse 10, we see Jesus’ disciples saying, “if the relationship of a man with his wife is like this, it’s better not to marry.” Doesn’t this response sound like some Christians today? “If marriage is (insert regret/fear/preference) it’s better not to marry” Why wasn’t their response to Jesus’ discourse on the permanence of marriage “May God protect us from hardness of heart in our marriages?” because we humans seek comfort and short cuts to ease in life and if foregoing marriage is an option, some are tempted to it.
        But what was Jesus’ response to the disciples?
        11 But He said to them, “Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given.
        12 For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.”(Matthew 19:10, NASB)

        The last category of “eunuchs” is rare, and few should be quick to reckon themselves as such, after all even marriage is a godly ministry and no less of a holy calling.

    2. Sean, I agree with you that it is vitally important to choose a spouse carefully and biblically. That being said, the best selection process cannot rule out suffering in marriage. I’m not saying don’t obey the biblical guidelines on how to choose a spouse; I am saying having done so, don’t be surprised when a spouse walks out years later, or cheats, or cuts you off sexually or turns out to have been a manipulator who tricked you by saying all the right things until after the wedding. Many women I know are paralyzed in the face of suffering because they saved themselves for marriage expecting that doing so would guarantee a pain free marriage yet they now find that they are going through God’s school of sanctification with no exemptions on the basis of the virginity they brought to their marriage beds. So is purity the problem? Shall we now claim that it’s worthless to wait until marriage to be sexually active? By no means. God requires it of us, so we obey Him, but not in a quid pro quo sense, but because we love God and keep His commands.

    3. Sean you quoted Matthew 19:29
      Matthew 19:29 New King James Version (NKJV) in light of sparing oneself trouble in marriage.

      29 And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life.

      This was in response to the disciples saying to Jesus:

      Then Peter said to Him, “Behold, we have left everything and followed You; what then will there be for us?” (Matthew 19:27, NASB)

      I don’t think that the context here means that the disciples left their wives and children behind in the sense of abandonment for the sake of their mission to follow Jesus. They may have been away from them for considerable amounts of time but we read of Simon Peter’s mother in law being healed by Jesus, elsewhere in the Bible so the family ties must have still existed. Matthew 19 opens with Jesus discussing the permanence of marriage so we can safely conclude that Jesus would not allow the wives and children of His disciples to be made destitute for the sake of the mission.

      Similarly when Jesus says in Luke 14:26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.”

      He’s not advocating hatred plain and simple, because God is love after all; He’s talking about priorities, with Himself in first place in a believer’s life.

      I think similarly the context of Matt 19 is not to put away wives to follow Jesus or even to forego marriage to follow Jesus but rather to have one’s priorities straight with Jesus well above all else.

  2. I’m not sure what you mean by ‘gate – keeping wife’ . Is it a good thing? The Bibles gatekeepers we’re trusted officials and high priests that made sure nothing unholy entered God’s house and were responsible for the temple items and treasuries. Is that what you mean here?
    Thank you.

    1. She may respond for herself on your question, but I take “gate keeping” wife as one who wants to be in control of her marriage and husband. I see it all the time in Christian marriages as the wife cannot see her on control, all the while complaining about his lack of leadership. When the husband steps up to take leadership she cries out “are you going to hit me?” Sorry that just happened this week to a young man… as she says this to him when he is the one walking away from her argument… humm… control of the gates of the marriage.

      1. Jane, I agree with Ken on this one. Another grievous display of gatekeeping, is sexual gatekeeping where intimacy happens on the wife’s terms. Many Christian wives are sexual gatekeepers and they may not know it. It’s not just about a high frequency of intimacy in the marriage, it’s relinquishing control of terms and conditions as well as being a joyful giver. A Christian wife should have the heart attitude of cheerful readiness towards intimacy with her husband and a generosity of spirit that dispenses with controlling tendencies.

        This article puts it much better than I ever could; it’s a good way to examine my attitude in this area every once in a while:

        https://www.uncoveringintimacy.com/are-you-the-gatekeeper-of-sex/

  3. Yupp.

    A large portion of men and women are VERY skilled at hiding their true personalities while dating.

    Humans are organisms trying to pass along their genes and engaging in Duplicitous Behavior is an adaption that allows that to happen.

    We all do it to some extent.

    My advice, when a husband or wife is acting like a right royal pain:

    – Raise Your Eyebrow
    – Calmly Put the Facts out that Clearly Show they are Crazy and Wrong (but don’t say they are crazy even if they are)
    – Don’t Give in to them Totally…if your husband is raging with anger and wants you to clean the bathroom (because instead of cleaning it the other day he wanted you to go on a 4 hour hike with him so you didn’t have time to do it)…don’t clean it right away…make it clear that you will get the work you had set aside for that time done first, then if You So Happen to Feel like It You Will Get to The Bathroom When It Suits You

    I know Lori will disagree with that last one…But if you give in to a controlling, whining, nagging, or raging person Once…They just never stop

    My Dad always gave in to my Mom and she just got worse and worse and worse.

    1. Yes, can’t agree with your last one even if get the concept. Follow the Spirit inside of you but think about a better away to handle this without being unsubmissive as God will provide the way. Remember our promise,

      “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” (1 Cor. 10:13).

  4. This is not me saying a wife shouldn’t clean when her husband wants her too…

    When he comes home from work, she should have cleaned.

    BUT, if he asks her to do something else on bathroom cleaning day, it’s irrational for him to get mad the next day at a dirty bathroom.

    I am in NO Way talking from personal experience here.

    1. Hi Christine,
      I’m assuming you were being sarcastic when you said you weren’t speaking from personal experience. . . 😂
      I don’t see how your husband being irrational is grounds for not doing as he desires, or cleaning the bathroom right away. Just because he may act like a child sometimes doesn’t give you the right to o treat him as one. I don’t see anything wrong with calmly telling him why the bathroom wasn’t cleaned when he expected it but it should be left there and the bathroom cleaned right away, not when you get around to it or feel like it. If nothing else, God knows your situation and will be pleased with you submitting, even if it’s not fair that he was upset with it not being done, since he was the reason it wasn’t cleaned yet.
      Also, your example of your parents doesn’t apply to how you should treat your husband because men and women’s roles aren’t interchangeable, and your dad was the one who wouldn’t put his foot down when he should have.
      There is a hierarchy for a reason.
      ♥️

  5. I disagree men going their own way AKA not getting married. Is not akin to a woman who takes on debt just in case her husband leaves her or she doesn’t like her marriage. What it is is men saying I’m not going to get married until women start behaving like women should.

    1. We get that Joe. It’s like taking the ball away so that many can’t play the basketball game until two of the ten guys stop fighting and bickering.

      No wife, no children, no legacy, no one to go old with, no eternal rewards for marriage and family until “those women” get their act together. I never thought there was a wide pool of women to choose from… very narrow, but it only takes one who will truly commit to a lifetime together no matter what.

      Isn’t it better to say, “I only need one from the godly remnant to marry and live a family life God’s ways, so let me look for her with hopeful expectation waiting upon God to confirm that I have the right one?”

      1. Better to remain single than to marry in a system where women initiate 80% of divorce and 80% of unresipicated domestic violence. And then lose half of all current and often future earnings… not only that but then have a church’s tell you it was your fault and disallow membership..

        But I will conceded it is better to marry than to burn. But i would rather church stand up to government and to women. Why are church leaders to cowardly tward women and culture in general?

  6. Before I found this blog I had held out hope of one day finding a wife. But after reading and really absorbing your message, it has become clear to me that the type of woman who is truly worthy of marriage no longer exists. It is true that suffering is not avoidable, but you have made it very clear that there are so few women willing to follow your teachings that the risk is just too high.

    I have shared your blog among many of my male friends, so that they can also understand the pointlessness of marriage in a modern age. The smartest thing a man can do these days is to stay single, get a vasectomy, and avoid financially supporting any woman (other than his aging mother).

      1. Maybe start a Christian marriage vetting service for both men and women.

        As a father of 6 daughters I am having a real hard time finding quality young men.

        And as a father of 2 boys I am fearful of the types of women that will be available for then.

        I raise my daughters to be submissive and obedient and loyal.

        And my sons to be submissive to God and His Word to be a loving decisive leaders providers and protectors.

        I want SIL like I raise my son’s.

        And DIL like I raise my daughters.

        Most “Christians” have wildly lower standards as to what they let their children (and themselves) watch listen to and read. Most don’t even homeschool. And even fewer still are quiver full. And less than that (including pastors) find debt abhorrent.

        Bottom line is the vast majority of “churches ” have strayed so far afield from the Word that it is exceedingly difficult and rare to find like minded christians.

        When even on here the false idea of 2/10.. more like 6/10 or higher. And that doesn’t even include the church leadership or the civil courts that white knight for awful women. And no I’m not saying men are without fault. But how do we expected men to lead at home when men in leadership refuse to support mens leadership in the home.

        I would honestly love to see a Christian “matchmaking/arranged marriage site”
        I would love for Christians to abandon state and civil authority over marriage and have the church that they married in be the arbitrator of their covenant. I would love to see both sides of the marriage convent be upheld by the churches. Instead of churches running away from the messy and hold a biblical standard for both instead of choosing not to offend the world or worse the feminism that has worked it way into the church.

        Sorry for the long post but I feel that this is a paramount issue in the church today. But Pink and Tozser and many others saw it in their day as well. But we seem to be far less vigilant or rather our forefathers failed as much as we are failing to keep the world out of the church and our selves.

        It’s a fine thing to say that there will be suffering. But not to offer remedy or worse to shame those seeking remedy just seems awful.

        It’s like telling a woman to stay with an abuser. Or in this case men to marry one to which you have zero actual authority but all the responsibility and blame should things go wrong.

        My best friend just got divorced from his abusive wife he is now required by law to pay his abuser and doesn’t even get the children 50/50.

        Telling the men that they must play a game where the rules are stacked against them (because some women might be fair until they no long feel like being far) is offensive.

        1. “I would love for Christians to abandon state and civil authority over marriage and have the church that they married in be the arbitrator of their covenant.”

          Amen. I have thought for quite a while that the Church should have stopped performing state-sanctioned marriages once No-fault became the law of the land.

        2. Well, if you’re quiver full,
          it stands to reason you have family friends that have the same practice, so finding a spouse for your children in your friendship circle is a great start!
          We are a Christian family who attend a Biblical, Gospel-centered church. We do not homeschool, but our children of accountability age have made professions of faith and walk obediently with the Lord.
          I would suggest seeking Christians who live their lives in response to the Gospel. Many follow Biblical mandates, yet allow their children to attend school and may only be raising several children. Your tone and requirements already weed out dozens of Christian singles that I know. Might be time to look at the heart, Joe. Given your recent comments, I doubt marriage looks attractive to any of your children.

          1. Anonymous said – “ Might be time to look at the heart, Joe. Given your recent comments, I doubt marriage looks attractive to any of your children.”

            Amen to looking at the heart. The only advantage my husband and I had coming into marriage was our faith in Christ. We were both sexually pure but not necessarily because we were Christians but more because we each lived with our respective parents and they culturally place a premium on virginity for unmarried sons and daughters. My husband was a product of a broken marriage and I was a feminist with a bright corporate future, and no heart for motherhood, BUT GOD. He didn’t just stop at saving us, He is changing our hearts daily and teaching us to value what He values, not what the world values. My husband amazes me with how wise he is, and what a godly loving father and husband he has become over the years, yet it was not modeled for him as a boy. I have abandoned feminist pursuits and I delight to be a keeper at home, to bear and raise children in the fear and admonition of the Lord and to submit to my husband as unto the Lord. Look for a heart that is truly transformed by the Gospel in a future spouse and all else will fall in line, through thick and thin.

        3. Quiverfull – I only recently heard the understandings of scripture behind this myself. I can’t say I agree with the understandings of it or have any particular conviction to just keep having as many kids as possible. I only by accident missed condemnation by having kids. But I don’t have a lot so maybe I would be judged unworthy anyway? In your thinking I would be an unworthy Christian? Well, what about your different understandings from others? Quiverful is not the basis for unity, it’s the gospel of Jesus Christ and what he has done and when we believe that we obey it as he teaches us and that we love him and others the best we understand. I’m not saying we accept false doctrine, but if someone genuinely has a different understanding of something in scripture? I’ve seen this on many things, even things like head coverings, etc. They are to be rejected as a “good enough” Christian? I don’t know, I admire so much you know, and learn a lot, would like to say that.

          It’s disgraceful that Lori has been smeared all over the universe, shows no fear of God really. We all can learn from each other, humbly asking God to show us our blind spots too. We all can’t forget where we came from, how God had mercy on us and are in a process called sanctification. But we can’t forget we were purged from our old sins…….
          I just praise God for his mercy to us all.

    1. Well, that’s a bunch of crap! But I suspect that you know that already, and are just being provocative =)

      My wife blew my mind the first time we met, and she continues to amaze me! God knows what he is doing. Be fruitful and multiply! It sounds like you are completely self-absorbed.

      Get in the word, and let it change you.

      1. Your own positive experience does NOT negate the veracity of his statement that accurately describes the travesty that is today’s Marriage Marketplace (MMP), which includes the “Christian” MMP.

        You might want to look up the word “solipsism.”

    2. Stay single if you wish, but a Christian man who remains single will of course remain chaste, fleeing fornication and all forms of sexual immorality, unlike those loose women that turned him off of marriage, right?

      So why oh why would he need a vasectomy, praytell?

  7. Men are being crazy

    I was almost 30 when I married my awesome wife. My younger brother who is about 10 years younger than me has his too. They are out there men. Our wives have college degrees that are paid for and were debt free, tattoo free virgins.

    You’ll don’t know what you a missing out on, you’ll understand when you get the right wife God has for you.

  8. I am a single woman, and I have been made fun of and told some very unbiblical things by men because I believe in biblical womanhood. I have been told by married people that it is better not to marry because marriage is so hard. None of these people told me these things in a mean spirit, but they are nonetheless not speaking according to what the Bible says. I just tell them that marriage is a sacred institution ordained by God and that I am going to value what God values because I am His child. Believe me, I get it. I am single myself. I know it is hard to find people who are walking with the Lord. But that does not mean that we give up on God’s promises. We know in Scripture that His will is for most to marry. So, if He has called us to marry, then He will make it come to pass in His perfect timing. Or do we not believe that God is more powerful than our circumstances? He is God, and there is none who can thwart Him. His promises are sure. If there is anything that I have learned in my Christian walk, it is that God’s Word is the highest reality. What we see in this world is not more real than His Word. “For we walk by faith and not by sight” (2Corinthians 5:7). Now is not the time to be living in doubt. Keep trusting God. He has not forgotten us.

      1. Lori, thank you so much for your kind words. And thank you also for all you do with this blog. I have learned so much here. Blessings.

  9. I was trying to respond to the quiverfull comment. I don’t ever really respond on hardly anything so might have put it in in the wrong place.

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