To Warrior Wives of Straying Husbands
Written By Robin Jennifer
I just want to encourage any wife who is standing for her marriage in the face of infidelity. Personally, I know the pain, as this is why I divorced my first husband twenty-three years ago, (and at the time, in my ignorance, I felt completely justified). He went on to marry The Other Woman (or the “strange” woman, as the Bible calls them) after our divorce was final; I may never know if he may have chosen differently had I chosen to stand in faith for our marriage restoration. The LORD has redeemed the years that the locust ate, in many ways, yet my adult son still suffers from our choices.
Ladies, if you are standing for your marriage, trusting the LORD to use you to be a minister of reconciliation, may I offer suggestions for what NOT to do, and what TO do, as you stand:
1. Resist insecurity. He isn’t with her because you are a failure as a wife, or because she’s prettier, or sexier, or better in bed. He isn’t with her because you are less than her. He isn’t with her because you are boring. He is with her because he has been ensnared by the LIAR and is being used by the THIEF to try to steal your marriage. Period. It’s not about you. So, turn your thoughts to rescuing him: ezer (ancient word used in Bible for helper (wife) means, according to Rabbi David Freedman, the word ezer is a combination of two roots, meaning “to rescue/to save” and “strength”. The Hebrew word ezer is a combination of two roots: `-z-r, meaning “to rescue, to save,” and g-z-r, meaning “to be strong.” So, be strong for your man and “rescue” him from the snare of the fowler by cooperating with the Spirit of God within you. Kenegdo (the second word in “help meet”) means “corresponding to him”, “suitable to him”. So, think of yourself cooperating with Jesus to rescue/save/be strong for your husband, as YOU are the one God made to be suitable for this job for him! What an HONOR and privilege! The LORD is your security; your Strong Tower and place of Refuge as you are rescuing your husband.
2. Tame your tongue. The power of life and death is within the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). NEVER speak insecurely or victimized around your husband. You ARE more than a conqueror in Christ! Take these thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ immediately. IF you are tempted to say, “I just want you to love me like you love HER!” or “I see the way you want her – why don’t you want ME that way?”, TOSS those thoughts BEFORE they become words. Remember point one: you are STRONG, and working as rescuer for him, and God is YOUR rescuer when your husband needs you to be strong.
3. Bless your husband whenever possible. The word for bless is eulogeo, from which we derive the word “eulogy”. No one ever speaks poorly of another in a eulogy; we are to “speak well of” the one who is “despitefully using you” and “persecuting you”, separating the person from the principality trying to bind them to wickedness. Further, bless the other woman. Do not speak poorly of her; pray the Word over her life that she might enjoy salvation. This is loving her with agape love. Oh, you can do as Jesus did and curse the root and fruit of the (lust-based) relationship, and trust that it WILL dry up and die (the sinful relationship), just as the fig tree that Jesus cursed (Matt. 21:19). But when speaking of the other woman, to curse her is to cooperate with the adversary instead of cooperating with the Holy Spirit. This can only be done by His power and strength in you, but He is well able to empower you by His limitless grace! The LORD is your Source of the Word of blessing, even as you feel cursed. Remember point two, and SPEAK LIFE!
Be encouraged, Warrior Wives of straying husbands. The LORD is your Salvation as you war in rescuing strength for your husband’s salvation! The LORD is your Helper (John 14:26) to contain your thoughts and tongue, teaching you all things as you wisely navigate these waters. The LORD is your graceful Source of LIFE and blessing, giving sweet and Living Water flowing out of you toward your husband, and even the other woman, as a minister of reconciliation!
The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.
Exodus 14:14
12 thoughts on “To Warrior Wives of Straying Husbands”
This is the one area of mrriage that I have little to zero tolerance for. I’ve been married 18 years and could come up with many excuses to divorce. The same for my wife. She could come up with many reasons to divorce. For men that stray I have zero tolerance for. The hurt that caused when you stray is one that will last a life time Before I was married to my wife I was engaged and she left me for a friend of a friend So that would be 20 some odd years ago and it’s still every once in a while on my mind because it crushes you inside thinking you aren’t worthy
For wives that can overcome that hurt when a husband strays that shows the true power of Jesus Christ
I’m gunna say this and it’s not an excuse for husbands, because I’ve had my tempatsrions but never crossed the line
Why men stray isn’t because of physical love. In my opinion it’s beause they have lost that emotional connection with you. Do you mother them, or are you so croxtical of there hard work or do you make no time for them(I don’t mean sex). I’m telling you men don’t cheat for sex. They don’t They are either scolded constantly belittled and they cheat to feel important again to someone.
Believe me I don’t agree with it and I’m not excusing it when men Cheat because they are not only breaking a vow to their wife they are breaking a commitment to the lord and we all know the punishment for sin.
Men if you read this. Don’t do. And wives make your husband feel important again. Make time for him
If he is emotionally connected to you he won’t cheat
And if your husband cheats and you are able to keep it together you are a warrior wife
Men don’t cheat
Wives don’t leave
Wives don’t cheat
Men don’t leave
We are here to serve the lord not our urges and pride
What a powerful post! These points resonate so much truth. Even if your husband is not necessarily cheating on you these points are so valid in blessing the man we’re created to support.
I have counseled with a friend in the past that was going through this and I was the ONLY one encouraging her to fight for her marriage and allow God to use her for reconciliation. Anyone else she talked to (including a few preachers) told her she didn’t deserve what her husband was putting her through and one said he wouldn’t blame her if she divorced him. I was the only one encouraging her to fight for her husband, and praise the Lord, they are reconciled today!! I don’t say that because I did anything great, but because we have a great God who can do the impossible. And it surprises me that so many Christians are quick to tell a woman to move on because of what their husband has done. I so much appreciate this post as I know it will encourage other women to be Warrior Women and fight for their marriages, and it’s not so common for them to find that encouragement they need.
Does this message relate differently to wives who have husbands who have strayed with other men? My husband believes he is gay. He believes the only solution is divorce because he doesn’t want to live a lie anymore. I still love him and always will. Here is the hard question that I struggle with: Do I have the right to ask God to change him?
Jill,
I am where you were once with your friend, yet my friend has believed the others, including preachers, who have counseled her that she doesn’t deserve this, shouldn’t put up with it, go ahead and leave– you have our blessing. My husband and I did not give her our blessing to leave and showed her truth in God’s Word plus testimony after testimony of mates who chose to fight for their marriages. But she chose the easier way instead.
Connie Hultquist always comes to mind, whose husband lived so sinfully for the first 12 years of their marriage. Connie married Jim, a prisoner in jail, and so their life together began. But when she came to know Truth and watched godly aged women live faithful lives for God which honored their husbands who didn’t live for Him, she chose Truth and set a place at the head of their table for her wayward husband for every meal. She fought for Jim on her knees and it took 12 years to win and she did. Glory to God alone.
We personally know of a woman who years ago would not allow anyone to sit next to her in church. She saved the aisle seat for her husband though he had no desire to set foot through the door of that church. We relocated so we don’t know the outcome, but that wife did what she could in faith, believing one day they would be sitting joyfully side by side, attending THEIR church together.
My own mother gave up, believing the lies that Dad, an unbeliever, would never come back to her after he left her for a once-divorced woman who was having the affair with Dad against her second husband. Dad wasn’t married long to that woman, and my prayer today is that before breathing his last breath, my dad will be saved and my parents will remarry and live for God for the rest of their days.
Rob,
Do any men do anything right in your eyes? I know of 2 men that cheated on their wives purely because their wives stopped having sex with them. One of them made it because the rebellious sinning wife realized her controlling manipulative ways and woke up to the fact that her husband worked 70 hours per week to provide for her to stay home with their twin girls and son. He cooked, he cleaned, he coached the sports, he took her on dates, on trips all over the world. He could fix anything and had the money to buy anything, and never said a bad word about her to me or anyone I knew. He gave her family money. He never laid a hand on her and you could tell by the look on her face that she was loved by him and loved him as well, but started refusing within 2 years of marriage. They pulled through.
The other couple didn’t make it. He cheated do to her refusals and as a guy that could have many beautiful women he decided to do just that. He is way better off now than his first wife. She is still bitter, single and alone and blames him. He is happily remarried to a woman that is there when he needs her and he is always faithful to her.
Why do women cheat? I don’t know.
Why do men cheat? Sex and respect. This I do know. Someone at work or someone they know gives them respect and admiration or flirts sensually and the husband caves. Call it what you want, the devil, the lie, anything you want, but there are two people in a marriage and when one cheats, the cheater is responsible for the decision, but the other is responsible for, as Trey put it, vaccinating them against temptation.
I have never commented on here before, although I read regularly. Yes! Pray for your husband..because as Christian s we know that being gay is not of God. No one was created gay, it is not born into one, it is a sinful, learned behavior..period. Prayers to you.
I will pray for your parents. Thank you for sharing these stories!
Jeff,
Firstly, I’m married to a philaderer. Have been for 30 years and know other philanderers (all men, though I’m sure some women engage in this too). In my experience, it’s not about the wife. It’s about the “opportunity” and the fact that humanity says that successful men can have something “on the side.” Women buy into this, and even try to destroy the marriage for the sake of having a better social-economic status. You’d be disgusted with what I have personally seen women do to “get the guy”, and sometimes in front of the wife (!). When it fails to “work out,” they have the nerve to play the victim and accuse the man of being a “victimizer” or some such. They may even try to take it out on the wife. I’ve been “confronted” by a couple of my husband’s mistresses. I’ve tried to be civil to them, and have largely succeeded, but it was hard and tested the “Jesus in me.” Anyway, I’ve come to the conclusion that we’d have to fundamentally change humanity to stop this scourge. There are so many “reasons” people cheat … but it’s not always a reason for divorce. Some philanderers will never give it up… then we can look at divorce legitimately because they will not honor their vows and the two are unequally yoked, which is a legit reason for divorce.
Hi Rob. I will say that of all the women I know, they all agree on one thing. It is hard to have sexual relations with someone you don’t feel close to. A man working 70 hours a week is just not going to be home enough to maintain a emotional closeness to his wife. There has to be another solution than working those many hours. That leaves little time to have a decent conversation with his wife which leads to a loss of connection, resentment and a loss of sex….because women need the emotional connection, affection, tenderness to feel ready to be sexually intimate. There is no “on/off button”. There has to be more couple time. It’s like having sex with a stranger…that’s a fact. No spouse: man or woman should be a stranger. They have to be present. Marriage is more than bringing home a paycheck. The emotional need to connectivity, companionship, affection have to be met for the marriage to be successful. There has to be “lovemaking” not just intercourse for a woman to enjoy. Too many men don’t know how to make love because they have learned from pornography….which depicts woman as someone who is always ready needing no love, affection or foreplay. Just some thoughts from the female side. Blessings to you!
My husband did it. After twenty years together. Twenty years of love and twelve years of marriage.
We actually met very very young and I was the only woman he had sex with.
We have always been very connected. From the very first day !
We are great lovers and great friends too…. But, someday yes he cheated, a young lady tried to seduce him at work. She was cute and way younger. She made jokes. She told stories and compliments, she was very seductive. He was so happy, feeling like a teenager again… (I saw nothing of that little “fling” because as I’ve said , we had great connection. Physical and emotional! I would have never imagined that)
But… Seven months later he “fell” for her, that young co worker. He told me the truth before he “started” the affair. I cried … And cried but I told him I was “ok” I couldn’t say anything. I understood, that he was free, that I know it would happen… I knew it but I imagined he would have cheated behind my back.
So, I let him go that night. He left for that one night only and returned home immediately. Before the sun rises.
He was crying and said he couldn’t leave our family (we have a daughter !) he told her he had to fight harder for his family…
That what he did. He did it great. Today I forgive everything. Truly. We moved out of the town, he found another job, Six months later I was pregnant with our second child. Our son.
It’s been three years now and we are truly happy because he knows what he has to do as a man, a husband and a father. Our family is our treasure.
This is the meaning of our life today.
I love him more than ever.
FIGHT!