Unfulfilled and Incomplete at Home
“Hello. I actually have a vastly different view on this. I am, and always have been, the ‘provider’ in our marriage. I make more than my husband. My husband was even a stay-at-home dad for my son’s first seven years, and I am so thankful. Even when we are both working, my income is much higher than his.
“I see your point about God’s creation, and the order he established, however, there is room for the discussion about ‘times have changed.’ I, personally, would not feel complete, satisfied, or fulfilled if I was a SAHM while my husband worked. Several of my friends are SAHM and love it. That’s not me.
“I just feel that the blanket statement that men HAVE to be the provider and anything other than that is wrong, is, well, incomplete. Why should a woman sacrifice the giftings and talents God gave her, the drive and the passion, simply because she gets married? That sounds like the beginning of a life un-fulfilled and potentially lived in regret and resentment.”
Have times changed? Are women these days much more complete, satisfied, and fulfilled now that they have invaded the workforce? Yes, times have changed but God’s Word remains timeless and unchangeable. No, women are not more complete, satisfied, and fulfilled in the workforce. All she has to do is research the studies of women’s rates of depression and suicide skyrocketing to realize that this simply isn’t true. Women simply were not created for the workforce.
She believes that the order that she has created for her life is somehow better than God’s created order. Yet, I hear women often say that they simply couldn’t be home full time with their children. They need to find fulfillment elsewhere so out to the workforce they go. Is it our goal in life to find fulfillment, or is this entire idea unbiblical? It’s completely unbiblical for believers in Jesus Christ.
Our goal is to obey Him and glorify Him in all that we do. His ways for us will ALWAYS be best no matter what time period we live in. Children need their mothers home full time now just as they did since time began. We find fulfillment in obeying Him since His ways are good, and acceptable, and perfect (Romans 12:2).
It’s a selfish and worldly pursuit to seek fulfillment apart from God’s will for us. This is what many women blindly do since they’ve been told they’re supposed to do this, and most churches don’t even blink an eye at these false teachings so off women trot to find fulfillment apart from obeying God.
Here’s something to ponder, women. Maybe, God gave you your gifts and talents, drive and passions to use in being a wife, mother, and homemaker and not for some self-seeking, self-satisfying pleasure apart from His will. No one can take the place of a mother in a child’s life, no, not even dad. God commands that women be keepers at home, not men. Godly women will do everything in their power to obey God, knowing that nothing is impossible with Him, and His commands are not burdensome.
She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
Proverbs 31:27
39 thoughts on “Unfulfilled and Incomplete at Home”
I have known many high earning career women including my ex wife. They were all miserable. My ex never looked happier than when she took the day off work. I didnt understand at the time that she could say whatever she wanted but she wanted to b a sahm and wife. She asked me a few times and i shot it down because she would not listen to me with spending. And im not working all day while she spends money without restraint.
To say one is ‘unfulfilled’ in being a sahm is making it about you. Our role in the home is not about us. It’s about serving the Lord and our families. It’s also about being ungrateful. This Lady needs to humble herself and go home. Let God do the rest.
It’s a fantastic post, Lori. Thank you!
I wonder what desires would we women have without feminism? We think that our desire to have career etc. comes from our heart. But what if we have them only because we were brainwashed since our birth by media and others? Or what if we have them because of our sinful nature?
If I want something that doesn’t mean that it’s good for me and for family, and without it I can’t be happy. Paedophiles want sex with children so let’s give them some because they can’t be happy without it? Putting desire in the first place is sinful. God should be first. Think about Eve and her desire… She destroyed everything!
Amen amen!
There needs to be an intervention effort to help girls see the truth before they decide at a young age to be the next CEO. There are hardly any resources or role models that show homemakers as happy, fulfilled and valued. Young women do not even consider it as an option after all the brainwashing in school that teaches them they must work to ‘be somebody important’ and ‘make something of your life’ and to ‘not waste your talent’. Even the young men expect their future wife to ‘contribute to the family’ and to ‘not be a leach’. How backwards! Feminism has essentially taken the feminine out of being a woman. By working like a man you neglect your spouse, resent your time away from your children, wish your children would leave you alone so you can rest up for the next work day and then become lonely with no friends, just co-workers, and no strong family bonds (push that off on daycare, elder care). And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high, children are making bad choices, our health has declined and the depression rate is astronomical.
Over the years, I have heard MANY women say that she ought to be making more money than her husband because she is a much superior person than him.
Over the years, I have heard MANY women say that her paycheck is for what she wants to spend it on and the husband’s paycheck is to pay the bills.
In the “olden days,” there were actually TV shows will happy and fulfilled homemakers. This is no more, sadly, so young women aren’t seeing any examples of women happy at home.
But… but… but…
Are you suggesting that “Sex and the City” was not the instruction manual to empowerment, fulfillment, and everlasting happiness?
But their shoes were so great!
To see girls my daughters’ ages (21-24) glorify in their path to misery has, and continues, to break my heart.
In a perverse way I pray that the current dislocation in our society will continue and bring about a re-set to a simpler world. A loving world. And a just world.
Only those who love Christ and His ways will enjoy a simpler, loving, and just world but this ultimately will never happen upon this earth. It will happen on the new earth where Jesus Christ reigns forever with all of those who believe. Keep praying for your daughters, Peter. Never give up.
I will be praying for the woman that Lori quoted in the post, as well as other women that feel “unfulfilled” at the thought of being keepers of their homes. I do not know how they make those decisions in their family regarding who is the provider, etc..the only life I have ever known is being a housewife home with my children and serving my husband, so I don’t want to even sound like I know how other families should operate. My husband is the provider, I am not. He works, I don’t work and never have or will. I stay home where I belong taking care of our children until they were grown, and am keeper of the home. My husband makes all the decisions for our family and I am glad to follow his lead in everything. He takes his biblical role of leadership very seriously, and I support him by serving him and being totally obedient to him. This has always been our plan and I don’t know how I could be more fulfilled!!!!
Hi i have a question for Lori.
Are headcoverings biblical?
I think people focus on needing money to make a home, clothes etc, instead of the need for home making skills, such as sewing and cooking. A few years ago, a friend, standing outside an expensive cake shop with me, was trying to be clever by saying she would never waste money on buying fancy/elaborate foods, I opened her eyes by telling her I don’t need to “buy” fancy/elaborate foods because I can make them all myself. Sewing skills will get you all the fashionable clothes you want. Having said that, I find myself going for the ‘quick and easy’ route, buying clothes I could make myself.
I’m just curious what she does for a living?
I know a lot of women who ‘love’ their job and then you find out it’s something either VERY feminine (dance teacher 2-3 hours a day) or working-at-home (fashion blogger!) or, even worse, it’s really a vanity job and they are very much supported by the husband.
I never thought I’d get married, for a myriad of reasons, and neither did my parents, who pushed college education as a means to support myself. Praise God for my interest in nursing and nurturing and helping to heal the sick as I started work right after graduation and paid off loans within that same year. I did meet my husband, after I’d been in the workforce for 8 years and once we married, I quit working in the hospital, and at the encouragement of my husband, got certified to teach fitness classes and continue to teach a few classes a week.
I don’t know if any readers have walked a similar path as I have, and as difficult as it was to feel like I was doing “nothing” in my day-to-day activities of cleaning our home, making homemade meals, keeping up with my fitness routine, taking care of our dog (all these I did while working previously as I had my own home that I was responsible for before I met my husband anyway), with the Lord’s guidance I was able to find meaning in the simplicity of being at home and maintaining my health with my fitness gym job and serving my husband. It was certainly an adjustment coming from a pediatric intensive care unit caring for critically ill and injured children and babies, and I enjoyed my work immensely, to “just” having the responsibility of household tasks. I am grateful to God daily that He has made His vision for me known and I subsequently had a change of heart. Young women, I know it can be difficult to accept God’s true calling for us. Being a keeper at home is no less important that being a member of the workforce! I hope my little testimony can help other young women who may be in the same boat.
My mother was home when I was young, when I was in high school she did piecework at home for my father’s business. Later she joined him at the business. I also learned to do piecework at home for the business, my parents wanted me to earn money, and then they only let me spend 25% of it – but neglected to explain the purpose of ‘saving’.
My parents never talked to me about my value as a woman, wife or mother; nor marriage and family. They had a good marriage themselves and I hoped someday to model it.
I had outside jobs too. From high school on, I believed I was supposed to be out in the working world. When I got pregnant my senior year I made a terrible decision to abort the child and then I left the baby’s father – I was trying to be ‘so responsible’ and handle everything on my own. Worst decision and action of my life.
I delayed college for 2 years, and when I went to college I didn’t really know what i was there for – too many choices in life, no clear sense of direction, no real guidance from anyone. I got married in college, wanted us to build a life together, but he didn’t want children, and I felt I was going to want children, so after a few years separation we divorced.
When I married my 2nd husband I worked until our son was born. Then I felt so conflicted – that being home with the baby wasn’t ‘enough’ yet I wanted to breastfeed and couldn’t cope with the idea of shuttling back and forth to daycare, so I did not return to work. My father sent me piecework to do, and that’s what drew me back into working and the business. After our second child, my husband stayed home with the kids.
I became just like C wrote above and I was a terrible wife and mother – consumed with working, resentful of time with the kids, no friends, no family activities etc. Repeatedly I cycled from ‘what really matters’ to what working could provide. I loved the work too, it really exercised my mind and abilities. But the other part of me longed to be on a farm, working together as a family. I was always torn two ways.
Many years later I was born again and now I am learning who I am in Christ and how God created me to be, and becoming more feminine, soft, homey. If only we could get a ‘do-over’ in life! God has been very loving to me, and reconciled the situation with my first baby and his/her father. Praise God for his wondrous workings!!
Hi Lori,
I have been following your blog for a while. I am soon to be 30 and a SAHM to two under two in the U.K. My husband does work full time and I love keeping our home. But, I have a question. I am also a blogger, and I have thought about starting a YouTube channel since so many SAHM’s out there make a decent income doing so. Would you think this way of helping with the incoming household earnings would be considered going against the Bible? I love writing, and I have really enjoyed watching many Christian moms on YT. “Working” from home. What are your thoughts?
Amen and Amen! I’m with you on that Hortense.
That is so sad Lori. I loved watching those old TV shows portraying happy and fulfilled homemakers. Just goes to show that now more than ever we need this shown in real homes and families for others to see.
Once mom is gone, kids aren’t going to remember her for the long hours she spent at the office. They are going to remember her for the time she spent with them. Time with them is what they want.
If it’s necessary to work as it often is then it’s important to have a work/life balance.
“Creating a Better Brain through Neuroplasticity” by Debi Pearl is a book that I am currently reading. It has a wealth of knowledge and it’s so interesting! Read this book, perhaps just a chapter every day or so to digest and meditate upon all it says, and put it to practice with your children! This should help you to be a busy fulfilled Mom at home with your little treasures? I’m thankful that this book is available to us when our children are still young so that I can start implementing these good habits, etc. into to their lives NOW!
Sure, housework can be boring and tiresome and family members can be annoying, but isn’t work outside of home just as boring and tiresome after a while? Aren’t colleagues at work just as annoying? I know I won’t find my fulfillment in either, so I don’t try to. My fulfillment is in Christ who gives strength for the job He gave me. Currently I am the only woman in the house our small church lives in, so naturally the housework falls on me. The men are considerate and take turns cooking on the weekends to give me a break. And obviously once I get married my workload will inevitably increase. But with the workload I believe God will also give the strength and resilience to cope with it and this is what fulfills me. Do men work to be fulfilled? All men I know work to pay the bills. My boyfriend didn’t work night shifts at a postal service for seven years because he finds it fulfilling. He also didn’t switch to learning to be a bus driver because he was dissatisfied with his previous vocation. He did it because he wants to have a job that allows him to participate in family life more, so he can support his future wife and children better. Also is bus driving fulfilling? I doubt it. What I like about my boyfriend is that he never even thought to consider that question. His fulfillment come from Christ and his work is just a means to the end of living up to the role God has prepared for him in this life.
It’s fine to do, Vicki, as long as it doesn’t take time away from your husband, children, and home. These are your main priorities at this time in your life. Too many women allow their hobbies or other things to take precedence over what God has called them to do.
Amen and yes, praise God for His transforming power in your life to see truth and begin to live it out. He makes all things new!
Thank you for sharing, Casey. Beautiful!
I have a video on this topic on my YouTube channel. You can check it out there!
They are but the symbolism is the most important part. It shows submission to your husband and God’s creation order. Your husband is your authority/head. If you’re married ask your husband if he wants you to or not. If not married ask your father. The symbolism is the most important part not necessarily the covering.
That’s right. The entire chapter about the headcovering is about the husband being head over his wife, not a separate piece of cloth over one’s head.
The amazing thing is the goodness of God in fulfilling our deepest desires. When we obey with a cheerful, unselfish attitude we actually begin to thrive at whatever it is He calls us to. Even difficulties. When we choose to thank God for our circumstances He gives us joy in the midst of them.
Years ago I found myself grumbling at the lack of sleep a new baby can provide. God called me up short with my unthankful attitude as I thought of my childless sister, older than me, who was longing to have children, and never would. I began to thank God when the baby would cry at night, thank Him for that beautiful babe that wanted his mama. All of a sudden I didn’t dread those night awakenings anymore. I saw them for the privilege they indeed were. The same thing happens with all of life. God provides joy for the journey when we obey with a thankful heart.
Thank you for giving me the space to share, Lori. ?
To Erika: Co-workers can be incredibly catty and annoying, especially women, and I speak from personal experience!
I don’t think all men just work for the sake of earning a paycheck and are miserable/bored. My husband has a very fulfilling job he enjoys-doctorate of physical therapy and he trains with athletes and is very much passionate about health, fitness, and nutrition. He just lights up sharing his experiences with me about his career and I couldn’t be more respectful and proud of him for supporting us. I don’t see any problem with men enjoying their work as long as they already know their fulfillment is through Our Savior, and that a “dream job” is an added bonus. Many of his colleagues feel the same way!
That sounds great! Of course I would love it if every man could enjoy his job that much. I’m just proud of those men I know who are making the best of the jobs they have and are just grateful to be employed at all.
I’m not sure where you live, but here in New Zealand it is far cheaper to buy clothes than to buy the fabric to make them. Of course, having basic sewing skills means I can buy op-shop clothes and alter them, and mend etc. making them last a lot longer. But sewing clothes from scratch is certainly not a cheap option here.
Or you might find she is like I was.
I had no choice – I HAD to work. My husband required it, and if we were to avoid starvation and homelessness, it was necessary.
So I convinced myself that I loved my job and I was fulfilled, and I would be unfulfilled if I was at home full-time. Of course I was lying to myself, and more than anything, I wanted to be at home with my babies full-time. But it wasn’t an option for me, so I had to make the best of it. The only way I could cope with working was to consciously change my mindset and find fulfillment in my work and convince myself I was happy.
So true!
I feel this is a complex question, but I’m asking it in brief! … What about Christian husbands who require their wives to work, (and manage the children and home), because we live in a modern age and women should make a financial contribution? If the wife doesn’t work, the husband becomes resentful towards her lack of financial contribution. How can this work when the husband is the head of the home?
She must obey her husband, Georgina, and work. She must cast her cares upon the Lord and ask that He convict and change her husband’s mind. Maybe even figure out how much money she actually brings home. She will usually save more by being home full time and living carefully within her husband’s income.
Well this is lovely! I agree.
Yes. My husband feels the same way. He is completely supportive and wants me to succeed. But, we both agree on the priority list order and discuss any new hobbies I may want to attempt before I act on anything.
Thanks for responding!
V
Lori, there is absolutely NOTHING in me that wants or desires to be a provider. However, my hubby is unemployed and at his age he can’t find work here in our country. Financially we are in a bind. As a result I started doing an online TEFL course to give English classes online. Doing this course has taken my time from my children and household. My daughters 18yo and 12yo respectively, have been amazing and are managing it all and have been incredibly understanding and supportive. However, I have neglected my 12yo AND her school work(I also homeschool her). I feel under pressure and compelled to finish the course in an attempt to eventually help my husband and family financially. Am I doing the wrong thing?