Recently, I shared a post on social media about Debi Pearl and her angry dad. He worked hard to support the family, but would flare up in anger and even cuss at her mother and children at times. Yet, Debi’s mother remained cheerful and kind. She eventually won him over with her godly behavior. He never became perfect (imagine that!), but he was a far better man due to Debi’s faithful mother. Some felt her mother should have gone to the elders.

I asked this question on my Facebook page and Instagram: “Should wives, who are married to disobedient husbands, ever go to the elders of the church about it? Have any of you ever done this and had success? I’m just not sure how it would help a marriage. It seems like it would just make the husband bitter? I do see it happening if a husband is an elder or pastor at the church. I tend to believe that wives winning their disobedient husbands by their godly lifestyle have a better chance of saving the marriage, as stated in 1 Peter 3:1,2.” This is what one woman, who was in a difficult marriage, answered privately to me:

“I’d like to answer these questions but want to remain anonymous. Yes, I had to go to our pastors/elders. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and I didn’t go until many years after first trying to win him without a word and never saying a word about what he was like to a single soul. My husband did not begin the process of change until the pastors knew. He was angry at first, but now he is glad that I did. That accountability, dragging things into the light, is what began to sanitize his severe sin habits (just as God’s Word tells us bringing things into the light will do).

“The truth is that general marriage principles, which produce great fruit in a relatively healthy marriage, do not tend to produce the same when someone is dealing with addiction, abuse, or unfaithfulness. Yes, respect and submission still apply— AND more is needed. 1 Peter 3 is clear that we are not guaranteed to win him without a word. God tells us that we ‘might’ win him, but that means we also may not.

“My husband and I both deeply regret the years that I kept his sin a secret (even eventually sharing with an older, wiser woman was not at all enough). I was trying to do the right thing, but I did not realize that in cases such as abuse, addiction, and adultery, much deeper work and help are needed. The roots of these things go much deeper than most people realize.

“In the end, my covering his sin only made it possible for him to continue in it for longer, and for both of us (and our children) to suffer as a result. We both regret, with agony, the years that we can never get back, which may have been much sweeter had we only known. We love where we are now and all we have learned, but there is much heartache and damage to heal from, which could have been avoided if I had not been so set on ONLY trying to win him without a word. I realize this is not true for everyone, but it was for us. I know more than several other couples for whom this was their story as well. Sometimes praying and waiting result in change and repentance. But, more often than not, especially in circumstances such as ours, more is needed. So many have suffered and died, never knowing what could have been. Addicts and the like need a ‘big stick,’ if you will (not from the wife, of course); theirs is very, very rarely a case of being won without that. People need to know.

“And yes— it was a good pastor and good elders that we were blessed with! But they pointed us to resources that were outside the norm. That’s what really did it. Honestly, if we had stuck with a method that looked at it as a ‘marriage problem,’ we would still be stuck, because in our case, it really was a set of sin issues that were specific to my husband, regardless of what I was doing, and they started long before I came along. If we had continued within the normal rubric of biblical counseling, we would not be where we are today. Not because the Bible is insufficient, not at all, but because we needed counsel from people with experience in our extreme circumstances— people who could apply biblical principles correctly to what was going on.”

We both agreed that this wouldn’t be a good thing if the husband was not a believer and not a member of a church. Thankfully, this woman’s husband was. One woman came to me who was in a difficult marriage. Her husband was an angry man. One of my good friends mentored her for many years. A few years ago, I asked my friend how this woman was doing. She told me she was doing great, not because she had won her husband but because she knew how to handle the situation by finding her joy and strength in the Lord.

Another friend of mine won her husband from a deep porn addiction through help from her pastor and a counselor. Her husband did go to church and claimed to be a Christian. You can read her testimony HERE. Another friend of mine won her husband “without the word” while he was openly committing adultery. He claimed to be a Christian and was involved in a church, but she never went to the elders or pastor. She won him over with her godly behavior, and he later thanked her profusely for doing this.

So, I don’t believe there’s a perfect answer to every situation. Each wife in a difficult marriage needs to seek the Lord in wisdom and use all avenues that are open to her, then wait upon the Lord. Trust Him to convict and change her husband while He is working on her, too. He promises to give wisdom to those who ask.

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
James 1:5

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