Saint John Chrysostom (c. 347–407 AD) was a prominent early Church Father, Archbishop of Constantinople, and one of the greatest preachers in Christian history.

An appreciation of the mutual need that man and wife have for each other can serve to resolve and strengthen love and harmony between spouses. “God divided the activities of our lives into two areas, public and domestic. Wives were entrusted with the household, and men were given civic duties, in commerce, in the courts, in councils, in war, and such things. A wife may not be able to throw spears or shoot arrows, but she can operate a spindle, weave cloth, and successfully engage in similar domestic duties. She cannot give opinions in the councils, yet she can advise at home, and often when the husband suggests something concerning the home, it turns out that the wife’s suggestion is far superior. She cannot manage the state treasury, but she can raise children, notice ill intent of maidservants, keep watch over the honest behavior of servants, freeing the husband from all these troubles, personally taking care of the pantries, the handiwork, the cooking, keeping clothes presentable, and all else which is unworthy of a husband to do, even difficult for him, no matter how many times he undertakes it.

“In other parts of the Old and New Testaments, the husband is given great authority over the wife, for example: ‘thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee” (Genesis 3:16). Paul also makes this distinction: ‘Let every one of you… love his wife…; and the wife see that she reverence her husband’ (Ephesians 5:33); and here nothing more or less is meant than that there be one authority. Why? Because previously he spoke of chastity. In other areas, says Paul, the husband has the prerogative, but not when it concerns chastity.

The husband doesn’t own his own body; the wife does. Here, there is total equality and no prerogative. “Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time” (1 Corinthians 7:5). What does this mean? “Let not a wife decline to fulfill the will of a husband,” he says, “and a husband not decline to fulfill the will of the wife.” Why? Because terrible ills result from this kind of abstinence – adultery, fornication, and destruction of homes.”

The causes that tempt husbands to be unfaithful did not escape the caring eye of Chrysostom. First among them are theaters, in which immoral songs were sung, and seductive shows were put on, often featuring naked women. Chrysostom cautions husbands against such entertainments. Our age also has many similar temptations against the chastity and faithfulness of husbands. Thus, not literally, but in their essence, the condemnations and warnings of St. Chrysostom are relevant to contemporary society.

Because she lives in the quieter environment of home, and because she is meeker and more tender in her essence, the wife has the full opportunity and the essential obligation to calm the husband, harried as he is by the burdens and cares of public life. With her tender involvement in his affairs, she can foster in him a renewed energy to take care of business and a new desire to work. The wife should conduct herself so that the husband sees his home as a safe harbor, a place where he can always find love, peace, calmness, and numerous other joys, so that, having completed his affairs, he hurries home to her, his wife, and does not seek entertainment in other places.

“Nothing can be more injudicious and harmful to the happiness of family life than when a wife meets her husband after his labors and tasks not with love, but rather with capricious wants or reproaches, irritations, discontentment, and even scolding. If this occurs, she has only herself to blame if her husband flees from their house, and her family’s happiness is destroyed. A husband, spending time in commerce or in the courts, is buffeted by worldly concerns, as if by waves. But the wife, staying home, as if in some school of wisdom, and focusing her thoughts deeply within herself, has the opportunity to pray and read and pursue other pious activities.

And just as she can cultivate these virtues in herself, she can also, meeting her care-worn husband, soothe him, comfort him, distract him from crude thoughts that are harmful to the soul, and then release him again into the world rejuvenated with positive thoughts and emotions.”
The wise love for her husband serves as the underpinning of all good qualities of the wife. In illuminating the words of the Apostle, that wives should be modest, clean, tidy, care-takers of the home, and kind, Chrysostom says: “All this creates love. The wife can be kind and attentive in taking care of the household. For modesty is born of love, and love will stop any arguments.

If her husband is a pagan, he will soon believe in the truth (the Christian faith); and if he is a Christian, he will become a better one. If the family life is happily settled, then spiritual life will also become settled, and if not, then the latter will not be sturdy. A wife who is the caretaker of the home will be modest and a good housekeeper. She will not pursue luxuries, imprudent expenses, and such things.”

But, to earn the love of her husband and, through it, obtain moral influence on him, a wife should not only in word, but also in her actions, show that she loves all that is good and just, and should try to be pious. “It is not so much with words,” says St. Chrysostom,” but rather with deeds, that one should improve a husband. How? When he sees that you are serious, not wasteful, indifferent to jewelry, and do not require a large income, but rather take joy in the present, and when you do not ask him for gold, pearls, or expensive clothes, but rather when you will love modesty, chastity, and gentleness, then you can demand the same from your husband. Then will he listen to your advice with patience?

Chrysostom especially disdains extravagance and love of clothes in women, justly seeing in these faults the cause of trouble and discord in many homes. So he explains to the wife: “If you want to please your husband, then you should beautify and adorn your soul, not your body. For it is not gold jewelry that will make you pleasing and appealing, but rather moderation, attentiveness to him, and the willingness to even die for him. This is what conquers husbands most of all, while jewelry pains them, because it brings harm to their bank account, causing great expense and trouble. In this way, family affairs and income are in their best shape when gold is not worn on the body and around the wrists, but rather on necessities, such as keeping servants, educating children, and other needs. If, on the other hand, it flashes before his eyes and tortures his heart, what use is it?”

“The shine of gold cannot entice a sorrowful heart. Know and be sure that though you may be the most beautiful of all women, you will never appeal to him whose soul you distress; for this you need a cheerful and calm spirit. But when all the gold is spent on jewelry for the wife, and this contributes to shortages at home, there is no pleasure for your husband. So, if you want to be loved by your husband, be pleasing to him, which you will do when you stop attaching too much importance to clothes and make-up.

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