During my thirty six years of married life, I have read many marriage books. Even when we had a difficult marriage, I would be searching and reading for answers to our marriage problems. Now, I understand clearly why most marriage books didn’t help me.

There’s one I’m reading now and it is written by a woman but she writes to men, too. She explains a wife’s role and then a husband’s role in marriage. I am often told that I need to teach men to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. There’s a problem with this method that I have found.

In this book I am reading, she explains that in a marriage there should be at least nine encouraging words from each other before speaking any type of correction, exhortation, or rebuke. This made me ponder and I was thinking that I needed to inform Ken that he must give me nine encouraging words before any type of correction. Yes, I was going to tell him because so-and-so said this was how a good marriage worked!

I didn’t discuss it right away with him, thankfully, but began pondering it. What if I tell him this plan and he then only gives me three encouraging words and then corrects me. Ooppss! I then tell him that he was wrong for doing this and needed to give me six more encouraging words before he corrected me. Guess what? I have become the leader in our marriage instead of him. I have decided to make up the rules instead of him. It doesn’t work. I tried this for 23 years. Besides, I would rather he give me encouraging words because he wants to give them to me and not because it’s expected of him.

If I were to teach men to treat their wives as the weaker vessel, then guess who would decide what that looked like? Does this mean he has to take care of the children and clean the house every night when he gets home to give her a break? How about the husband loving her as Christ loved the Church? Does this mean she gets to do whatever she wants and he is to support her in it?

Then there are questions a couple is supposed to ask each other when they’re in an argument: 1. Repeat what the spouse said to make sure you understand; 2. Look in their eyes and see the emotions behind what they are saying; 3. Talk and pray until a compromise is reached, etc. What about all of the Bible verses that teach us to not argue and fight, but pursue peace with all men? How about the fact that the husband is the head over the wife and she is to be subject to him in everything? These are usually not mentioned in marriage books.

God instructs wives to win their husbands “without the word” for a reason. I don’t know any woman who has changed her husband by continually correcting him, nagging him, or even simply speaking to him about his sins/faults. It’s not our job to change our husbands. The more expectations we put upon them, the worse our marriage will become.

If your husband does have a sin, fault, or bad habit that you want to confront him about, make sure that you have learned to not have any contempt, bitterness, or anger towards him first. Pull that log out of your own eye before approaching your husband. Learn to love him, be kind, patient, warm, and affectionate towards him. After he knows that you truly do love him and want the best for him, then make a gentle appeal to him once, then leave it with the Lord to convict and change him.

It’s not my place to teach women how their husbands should act since it becomes a stumbling block to a better marriage for most women, plus I am not instructed to teach men in the Word. Husbands have the choice how to act and if your husband does not obey the word, then obey 1 Peter 3:1-6. There’s no better prescription for you in your behavior towards your husband. We are to live in subjection to them (not trying to change them) with godly behavior  and without the word (without preaching or nagging) which means having meek and quiet spirits. The less expectations and “rules” you place upon your marriage, the better it will become.

By living in submission to him, showing him respect, kindness, warmth, and affection, you will have a much better chance of having a great marriage. This will draw your husband towards you instead of pushing him away. Forget the suggestions of what he’s supposed to do and instead focus upon what you’re supposed to do. Read marriage books that only address your part in the marriage and learn from them. Plus, most marriage books write nothing about a wife being subject to her husband in everything and obedient to him. Find ones that teach these important principles and ask the Lord to change you into the wife that He has created you to be.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Ephesians 5:22-24