A Sexless Marriage is a Catastrophe for Men
“Research shows men and women have affairs for different reasons. For men, it’s almost always a result of a sexless marriage. For women, it’s a result of emotional deprivation: the husband is too wrapped up in his job or his hobbies or whatever else to give his wife the time and attention she needs. That’s a great example of the research shows men and women have affairs for different reasons. Many wives are all too happy to go years without sex. For men, it’s a catastrophe.”
This is a quote from Suzanne Venker’s new book “How to Be a Wife.” My husband mentors men. Many, if not most, of the men he mentors tells him that their wives don’t want to give them sex. It’s as if these wives have decided they don’t want it, so they don’t want to give it. They falsely believe that it’s not part of the marriage vow that they made to their husbands. They are tearing their homes down with their own hands.
The Apostle Paul commands those that burn to marry; for it is better to marry than to burn. He also commands us to not deprive our husbands for lack of self-control. Most godly men marry because they burn. They want sex. They want a wife who is available to them to meet this need. If you are married, you are to fulfill that need for your husband. If you don’t, you have some part in his seeking out porn or an affair if he does.
I know women hate to hear this, but it’s true. God warns of this happening if we deprive our husbands! He commands us not to deprive our husbands because of this. Yes, if the husband begins to look at porn or have an affair, he will stand guilty for his sin but the wives will stand guilty for depriving their husbands.
As Suzanne said, going without sex is a catastrophe for men. They were created to want and need sex. God gave them this strong sex drive to marry and bear children. It’s a good thing when used within the bonds of marriage. Don’t deprive your husbands, women! Build your homes up and be a willing partner for your husband. This is a huge part of keeping your marriages strong.
Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:5
49 thoughts on “A Sexless Marriage is a Catastrophe for Men”
Amen the bible is clear on this matter. A sexless marriage just leaves the door wide open for the enemy. Sex is a need in marriage, its a biblical duty for both spouses to fulfill each other needs.
Also this lady has some very good advice, she isn’t a christian but her advice is mostly biblical. Her blog has some good articles on there.
Any answers here should be interesting.
As a 59yr old widower, I can speak from personal experience and from what I have heard other men and women say.
Quote – For women, it’s a result of emotional deprivation: the husband is too wrapped up in his job or his hobbies or whatever else to give his wife the time and attention she needs.
From what I have heard women say over the years, that is SOMETIMES the reason but not the major reason.
It seems like what women say is that her husband will only get sex if he behaves according to her standards and he will get sex on the wife’s terms.
And the women laugh when they say that.
But those terms do not apply to the man she is having an affair with.
With that man, she is the obedient woman submitting to all his sexual desires. Whenever, wherever and however he wants it.
So in my experience of hearing people talk, the husband being too wrapped up in his work, buddies or hobbies is not the main reason for a wife to start an affair.
Quote – For men, it’s almost always a result of a sexless marriage.
From what I hear men say, I will agree with that quote.
I hear many men say that before marriage their wife was always giving him sex and that she was initiating the sex as often as he was.
Then once they are married, she quickly stops wanting sex and refuses him.
I hear this from young men to even older men in their 70’s.
Sadly then, this withholding of sex after marriage by the wife is not a new thing, nor is it a rare abnormality.
What is it about a woman that as soon as she says “I do” then her sex answer is “I don’t” ???
From my own personal experience with my late wife of 13yrs marriage.
I was 40 and she was 35 when we married.
There was NO sex before we married.
We talked about sex and what we expected after the wedding.
She had told me numerous times that she would never ever tell me no to sex and that she would be my every desire.
Well we got married and it turned out she KNOWINGLY scheduled the wedding for her period.
Her “I’ll never say no to sex” to me turned out to on average being 1x every 3 months and often up to 5-6 months without sex and it was on her terms of wanting it in the complete dark and her on top. And that sexlessness was from the very start of the marriage.
Well long 13 yrs into a short post, I have found out that she was never faithful to me from the very start of meeting her.
From the start of courting her and during our marriage, I have found out about at least 5-6 affairs that each lasted months.
Her “I’ll never say no to sex” she kept her word to those other men. And it did not involve being in the complete dark and her on top.
The men I have found out about are all “bad boy” types and would of treated her like dirt.
Reminds me of the previous post about “50 shades of gray” and women wanting a man who treats them like dirt.
As for the emotional deprivation women say causes them to have an affair. My late wife said I was smothering her with attention. I would come straight home after work to be with her. I did not go out with the guys, no separate vacations, I worked 4 days a week for 10hr shifts, off 3 days a week. She saw my paycheck, which was then put in the bank and she saw the bank statements of where every single penny was spent.
For the record. I was never unfaithful to her.
I have been offered sex many times since becoming a widower but I want a biblical wife, not just physical.
The women are only wanting sex with no commitment.
And 50% of the women coming on to me are married, with a big plainly visible wedding ring on their finger.
They are not even trying to hide the fact they are married.
They just want sex with other men, but not with their husbands………
I’ve been married for over twenty years and as a wife I would find it very selfish to assume that just because I’m not in the mood for sex my husband is not in the mood either. That would be as selfish as saying I’m not hungry so I’m not cooking dinner for my husband and children tonight. I do believe that it is very important to keep a guard and not let sex become a god in your marriage. I have known couples personally that had a very active sex life with each other as well as with people outside their marriage because of sex/porn addiction and obviously they are divorced now. So it’s not only sexless marriages that can be detrimental to men. There are so many aspects of marriage that need nurturing, not just the sex( however it is important) There is no room for selfishness in area of marriage. Believe it or not if a husband and wife are together long enough there will be a day when both the husband and wife are to old to physically have sex; how sad it would be to be together all those years and have nothing in common outside of sex because that was the only thing you nurtured in your marriage. Also,wives if you are having issues with sex due to age or some other physical ailment, talk to your husband,he will understand. I am in the beginnings of menopause and,well all women that have been through it know what that entails in the bedroom. I communicated that to my husband and guess what, he totally understands and we still have a healthy bedroom life even when we are limited on what we can do.
The article does not address a man entering his marriage not disclosing his sex addiction already in existence years before ever meeting his wife. (porn/m*sterbation/strip clubs/massage parlors etc).
All of this changes the frontal cortex of the brain for the addict. Porn and sex addiction is more difficult to conquer than crack and heroin COMBINED!
In the case of a husband entering a marriage with this issue research is clear that no matter how “submissive” the wife is it has almost no bearing on the sexually acting out behaviors of the husband.
So, respectfully, in summary are you saying wives submit yourselves to object sex where your husband is habitually fantasizing about the latest prostitute he visited – or the person he’s having an affair with while he’s having sex with his wife?
Here’s how a woman won her husband from his porn addiction, Beth. NO ONE is so far gone that they can’t be transformed by the power of Almighty God.
https://lorialexander.blogspot.com/2014/09/how-thejoyfilledwife-won-her-husband.html
The fact that she is not Christian but still practices God’s model for marriage and advocates for it just shows how following God’s plan for our lives is always best (even for non-believers).
I would challenge women to consider why they are “not in the mood.” Is it because you are feeling sick, stressed, self-conscious, tired, or repulsed by your husband? Is the sex not pleasurable, or even painful?
All of these things can be remedied. See a doctor (and seek out the culprits that make your hormones wacky) if you never feel arousal. Lower stress levels during the day so you are ready to go at night. Understand your husband probably doesn’t care about the things you are self conscious about and that the marriage bed is a safe place. Take naps or re-organize your schedule, or initiate sex earlier, so that you are not tired. If your husband’s personal hygiene habits are lacking, offer to shower with him as foreplay, or help him do his nails, or playfully remind him to brush his teeth before bed. If you are not satisfied during sex, get a Christian anatomy book and suggest reading it with your husband to “get in the mood.” Be honest with him and say that sex is fulfilling because you feel close to him, but that you’d like to explore your bodies more so that it feels good physically, too.
Finally, if you think you have underlying trauma from childhood affecting your sex life, you need to see a therapist or counselor or someone with a similar testimony so that you can safely overcome PTSD or whatever it may be.
Hi Lori,
Can you please take down my comment. My husband agrees but does no want my email to be associated with a sex post, hah.
Beth, this is in no way trying to make light of your situation.
This sin is equally on men AND women.
This is also happening a lot where the woman has not been truthful about her sexual past before the marriage to her husband.
I see / hear a lot of married Christian and secular women bragging about their sexual past with “bad boy Johnnies”
They sit and brag about doing EVERYTHING with the “bad boy”
There is no trace of sorrow in their voices which tells me they never repented of their sins with the “bad boys”
You look at these women and a lot of them have crooked noses, scars, misshaped fingers from being broken during their time with “bad boys” (50 shades of gray)
They admit to 10+ men plus 1-2 lesbian affairs.
So I have learned that if that is what they admit to, the count is higher.
About a year into my marriage to my late wife, she told me that in her unsaved days that she would wear very short loose shorts and skimpy low cut tops. She would sit on the city bus across from men and put on a “show” for them, then run off the bus. From what I know now, my thoughts are she did not run away much.
Before marriage she had told me that at 35yrs old, that there was only 1 man before me.
Lies, all lies from what I know now.
Many, many men in her life.
Even though I have found a lot of this out since I became a widower several years ago, I have not given up on finding a biblical wife.
God can do anything.
After all, He saved me, a wretched sinner.
No one can see your email but me.
So true! If it was up to me, I would probably only desire sex a couple times a week but my husband ideally likes it twice a day, so we usually meet in the middle at once a day. ?
I often initiate too because I enjoy the bonding of our bodies being close, even though I don’t really crave the sex itself. It has been a journey for me, though. I have been pregnant/nursing nearly our entire marriage so there were a lot of times I didn’t feel like it and it was hard to shift my perspective on it. Debi Pearl’s book has helped in that regard as well.
MY question.. is what should a man do.. when his marriage has died? Mine died a long time ago, but believed that I had no Biblical alternative but to stay together… living like roommates. Part of the reason it died was her becoming obese — a solid gain of 65 lbs. — but she also has a hang-up over obeying, despite the vow. She contributed the majority of the reasons why I no longer love her. She claims to love me… but such has no effect on me anymore. She’d rather over-eat and argue… than become a ‘team’ again……
More importantly, the fact that many “Christian” women will rebuke her, a non-believer, for following God’s commandments with more fidelity than they do is a damning indictment of the fallen state of the church today in all matters marital and sexual.
Ugh! I have to be honest I hate these posts. You are in a whole different ball game when your husband is using porn. A few years ago my husband would say I never wanted sex and of course it was not his fault. It was all on me. He would also never tell you that he was a compulsive porn user. He always left that little bit of information out.
He will admit now that he really didn’t love me and that all I was to him was body parts. He didn’t ever think about my needs or wants and he didn’t really care about them either. My job was to get him off. I hate to even type that because it sounds awful. It’s a terrible feeling to be used sexually. So no most women in this situation are not excited about sex.
Fast forward to today he is not the same man. God is doing an amazing work in him. He has been porn free for a couple of years. He is no longer critical, he is kind, compassionate and loving toward me. He studies his bible daily, reads it to our children, helps around the house without me asking. He talks to me about his struggles or temptations and prays with me. Has our sex life improved? Dramatically! God is doing an amazing healing there as well
I don’t want to paint an evil picture of men who use porn. Often times they are using it as a coping method for pain they don’t know how to deal with. So they justify their behavior by blaming others, minimizing it and denying it is a problem. They believe their own lies. It is quite sad because porn will rot their marriage and their soul if they don’t stop using it.
I prefer complete honesty. If my husband wants me to pleasure him, I am more than happy to if he takes a quick shower first if he’s had a long day. It doesn’t have to be all one sided for only one person’s pleasure. Pleasure should be the goal of both spouses. I would do the same for his requests so it’s only fair to have that same love and respect. It makes me only want to please him more. I agree with Suzanne in that aspect.
I am a young man in mid twenties and this topic is the source of a lot of trust issues. I am one of the people who burns so they need to get married, I can’t think of a worse outcome in marriage than no sex. Instead of dealing with the burning via a wife, the burning would still be there and I would be committed to a woman and not allowed to seek an outlet for passions. I feel like this would wreak havoc on my mind and body. I would develop resentment for the woman who tricked me and I would be in anguish because of temptation to deal with my natural desires. I hear so many stories about this happening and I personally know people in this situation. I think I already have trust issues but the thought of being tricked by feminine wiles is a big block in my mind for committing to marriage with a woman. I currently have no outlet for passion that is good but a marriage with no outlet would be a life sentence that I couldn’t handle. I wonder if women denying sex is a modern problem or if it goes back through history. It seems like something that could only exist in this modern world of people who are called lovers of self. I know it will require faith on my part to trust in God to give me a woman who will fulfill her natural purpose. Did all the men I have heard about with this problem have no faith? I don’t know, seems unlikely.
Lori…you have no idea how true this article is. My wife has refused to have sex for over four and a half years. She has said that just because we are married does not mean we should be having sex. I am dead on the inside and we are both in our early 40s. Off subject a little, but related: I have come to believe that the lie of feminism is not that men and women are unequal, but the lie feminism sells is that women don’t sin. And unfortunately this idea has taken root in our churches, even the conservative ones. 🙁
Oh, I agree, AMW. Porn is a horrible and destructive habit and WAY too easy for men and women to access. TheJoyFilledWife is stunningly beautiful and she didn’t know her husband was addicted to porn until after marriage. She was always available sexually to him but there came a time when he wanted porn over her. These are NOT the women this post is referring to. (I posted above the link to her post about how she won her husband.) We must not put our experience into everything we read. If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t wear it! There are plenty of women who deny their husbands sexually which is incredibly sinful of them to do. Some deny them for months and even years on end. And yes, they are partly responsible if their husbands sin when they seek satisfaction elsewhere. No, they should not but neither should the wives deprive their husband. THIS is who this post is speaking to.
So true, amen.
Men are wired for sex this is true. It’s the primary way they show love to their wives. Women should not withhold sex from their husbands as this is emotionally devastating to them. Anything goes in the marital bedroom as long as both parties agree to it. 1st Corinthians 7:15 says to come together often. How often is often depends on what is agreed upon, in my view.
I would love to have relations with my husband, but he is 2 time zones away and will be for the next 10 months! How can I make sure he is not turning to p*rn or m*sturbation while we are apart?
Dear Lori and Friends, could be the wife is dog-tired, after another 14-16 hour day, working two full shifts. The first one at the office, and the second at home – cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, and the uphill battle of dealing with clutter – which, by the way, she doesn’t have adequate time/space to deal with. Such is life in the real world…of the two-income family.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 KJV
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
What I want to look at is the word used in the King James bible which will give us a better understanding of when a wife (or husband) denies their spouse of sex.
DEFRAUD ye not one the other……..
From Websters 1828 dictionary:
DEFRAUDED, Deprived of property or right by trick, artifice or deception; injured by the withholding of what is due.
And for the folks that want a more “modern” definition, it still means the same.
Cambridge dictionary:
defraud: to take something illegally from a person, company, etc.,or to prevent someone from having something that is legally theirs by deceiving them:
So in context of Lori’s post about a woman is withholding sex from her husband without his mutual consent for a short time, when she DEFRAUDS her husband she is refusing to give her husband what is rightfully his due.
God is the one that says that in His word, not me.
God says that a husband or wife getting sex from their spouse is their rightful due.
Over the many years of my life, I have heard many men, both Christian and secular men, say the same thing – that before marriage the woman was giving him sex very often and also often initiating the sex as often as the man was.
Then very SHORTLY after marriage, the woman quit giving her husband sex on a regular basis.
That sounds like it is intentionally planned by the woman.
Before marriage, lots of sex.
Shortly after marriage, little to no sex.
Deprived of right by trick, artifice or deception……..
Prevent someone from having something that is legally theirs by deceiving them……
Both definitions from 2 dictionaries are are saying the same thing about a wife denying her husband sex.
Before marriage, lots of sex making him think this is what she is really like.
Then shortly after marriage, the sex is denied.
That is plainly a deception / deceiving of the husband by the wife.
And it isn’t because the wife no longer wants sex.
She just denies her husband, not other men.
As I have said, 50% of the women offering me sex are married women or are engaged to be married.
They do not hide the fact that they are married and are plainly telling me they want sex with me.
I will guarantee that these married women are offering sex to me, but at home she is denying sex to her husband.
For the record, I am not taking any woman up on her offers of sex.
“if the husband begins to look at porn or have an affair, he will stand guilty for his sin but the wives will stand guilty for depriving their husbands.”
This is doubtless the most insightful and spot-on quote I have ever read on a Christian blog.
Next 10 months? Is he in the military? Can you not visit him? He should have self control but waiting 10 months for sex would be hard for any man. Tough situation.
I have been married going on 5 years and we have two children and Im pregnant now with our third. I have wavered on both sides of full submission as well as some rebellion through our marriage. I can with no reserve or hesitation say I am so much happier when I’m fully submitted. I feel deeply loved, protected, provided for, and physical attraction and sexual desire mutually increase for both of us. When I’m not fully submitted, exhibiting some rebellion, our marriage is harder, there is less affection, there is a tangible distance between us, sexual desire and attraction are decreased, and it just doesn’t feel good.
Men respond much differently to a sweet, loving, submissive wife than one who is moody, unappreciative, a complainer, or who refuses sex.
Wives, simply put your husbands will treat you better when you fully submit, especially in the bedroom. Who doesn’t want her husband to want to do nice things for her, buy her things she likes and be more loving and affectionate?
Ladies, if sex isn’t comfortable or is painful for you there are a lot of ways to make it more comfortable. I have had two kids and I’m pregnant again and know what it feels like when things don’t seem the same down there. There are workouts that can fix a lot of women’s problems without surgery. From diastasis recti, to a weak core, to pelvic floor issues, etc. The program I have had success in bouncing back from childbirth is called MuTu and its recommended by doctors and physical therapists alike. Its fully done online and easy to implement. I also like to do stretches. I normally have tight abductors and hamstrings, which sometimes make different positions difficult. So I do various stretches so I can be more limber and do more fun things with my husband. When I think about my husband I think “How can I make myself the hottest and most attractive woman to him and fufill all of his desires, giving my body to him freely?” I actually will include God in those thoughts as well, turning them into prayers, so God can show me how/where I need to step it up. My last piece of advice to any woman struggling in this area is to pray that God helps you to see the role he created you for, including to give your husband sex and to enjoy it! Its so much better to have sex when you actually really enjoy it, and God can change your heart so you will!
This is a fantastic article. When I got married 26 years ago, my mom and my aunt told me that sex was “75% of a marriage”. I don’t know if I believe that, but I did learn to never turn down my husband unless I was ill. Which never happened, by the way. I f I were ill, my husband knew it and was more concerned with helping me heal than with his own physical pleasure.
But I don’t understand women who refuse to have sex with their husbands. Something else must be going on. If you love your spouse, why would you hurt him in this way? Why are these women so angry with their husbands that they refuse to do this?
Hi Lindsay,
Thanks so much for your post. I feel the same way you do about our roles regarding sex and intimacy with our husbands. I have always totally submitted to my husband and obey him in everything, and so very happy and excited to do so! I am my husband’s, I belong to him. We have been married for 24 years now, I was 19 when we married and we figured out very quickly what he liked and how I could fulfill his needs (he got me pregnant on our honeymoon so I guess I did ok!) Together we have always had a wonderful and affectionate sex life, which I certainly enjoy as much as he does! Like you, I pray for God to always guide me to be everything my husband wants in all areas, including sexuality. I totally submit to him, whatever he wants, whenever he wants it and how often he wants it. I have no choice in the matter and love it that way. I have never said no to him. In turn, he treats me so very well, respects me, and completely takes care of me. All to say, sex is part of our total submission to our husbands and is a vital tool is keeping a marriage strong and healthy.
As a Prior Service member myself. Being away 9+months was easy. It was being 3 ft apart with my wife not wanting sex for weeks and months on end(longest was 9mo) that was killing me. Literally KILLING me.
And yes porn is always a temptation. Just as the romance industry is to women as is disobedience. Which is the worse sin.. IDK but before you start to pick at your husband’s/wife’s sin make sure you clean up your own.
To be frank I think this is why God allowed men to have more than one wife.
What is the need for the two incomes? My wife and I did it on just mine KNOWING it would be a hardship. But we did it for the Children and we are blessed because of it. Debt and desire for the world is killing us.
What is the need for the two incomes? My wife and I did it on just mine KNOWING it would be a hardship. But we did it for the Children and we are blessed because of it. Debt and desire for the world is killing us.
It’s not always anger that prevents a woman from having sex with her husband. Sometimes it’s fear. Rick Thomas wrote an interesting article about this topic. https://rickthomas.net/sex-for-a-woman/
“Understand your husband probably doesn’t care about the things you are self conscious about and that the marriage bed is a safe place.”
I think this is brilliant. I have had six babies and it has taken a toll on my body. I feel unattractive, but my husband does not see me that way. As women, we need to learn that our husbands do not see our bodies the way we do. Letting that self-consciousness interfere is a BIG mistake.
AMW, I read the article, but it did not make sense to me, as a woman. Women are withholding sex as a way to punish their husbands. Why would you “punish” someone you love and have vowed to respect and obey? Something else is going on here. I get that you don’t want to have sex with your husband after you’ve had a huge argument over the kids, the finances, the dishwasher, the whatever, but consistent withholding (4 years?!?!?!) is indicative of a bigger problem.
This is an excellent article, AMW-thanks for linking!
You’re right not having sex shows there is a huge breakdown in the marriage somewhere and most likely will need biblical counseling to get to the issues.
The article shows sometimes there are other reasons for sex to be off not just to punish, but because of hurts that need addressed. Rick has a lot of articles on sex that are really good.
I don’t understand withholding sex either as a punishment. But I do understand not wanting to have sex due to hurts in the marriage and not feeling loved and safe. I guess I can’t jump on the bandwagon that these women who are withholding are evil. Most likely many of them are hurting women that don’t know how to go about finding the help they need. And I can have compassion for them and their husbands.
Just something to think about, but maybe a woman creates “terms” in the first place because this is how they receive their affirmation (however warped it may be) that the husband cares about her – since the husband doesn’t show it in other ways (e.g., emotional deprivation). It’s possible in some or even many cases it’s all linked.
In any case, I’m sorry for what you had to suffer. The Bible teaches us that if we bear our injuries patiently we will receive heavenly rewards. Hang in there.
What is the cause of your worry? Has he done those things before and violated trust in your marriage? If he has not, would it be fair for your husband to worry that you will be unfaithful to him for the time that he is gone, if you have not been unfaithful in your marriage? The point is that make sure the root of your worry isn’t insecurity or fear and if it is, give it to God to take care of. It is a horrible feeling to know your spouse does not trust you or feels the need to “make sure” you do not violate trust, when you have done nothing to violate that trust. If your husband has engaged in these behaviors and been unfaithful ,you should be honest with him and pray with him that God will keep him from temptation. Your husband needs to be accountable for his actions and I am a firm believer that what is done in the dark, God will bring to the light.
Please don’t think that I think these women are evil. I do not. And there are a lot of reasons for which women would withhold sex. The women I think are wrong are the ones using sex to control their husbands. If a woman is withholding sex because her husband is an addict or abusive, that is completely different from withholding sex because her husband did not buy a new refrigerator. I think we see this the same way.
I wholeheartedly agree! The sinful Women know that legally you can only have (without penalty). If she knew you could take another WIFE she would be on her best behavior.
Ok. Wow. I’m learning here.
BUT, I’ll say that again, BUT!
I’ve been married to my one and only husband (and first ever sexual partner) for 19 years. I didn’t know about his porn addiction until few years into our marriage. Sex was great and then I found out. I was hurt, I felt violated, betrayed, like he had an affair with the women he’d scroll through.
Sex became less and less over the years. After each child we had. I knew we weren’t doneven having children (total God thing, not just “awwww, I just want a baby”, it was a knowing we weren’t quite done)…he didn’t want to, because it would be a strain on the marriage.
A little background on us: I grew up not seeing any affection between my parents at all, nothing. So how would I know what to do? Obviously I didn’t know how to be a wife. I became an emotional anorexic.
My husband found porn at the age of 8. Addicted his whole life because he wasn’t getting any love from his mom the way any son would need, alongside abandoned by his father & beaten by his stepfather. So he had years of healing from that starting at age 18. Had lustfull moments with women that weren’t close relationships, porn craziness continued, had many lonely times too. Then he met me. The one he’d committed too. But I wasn’t easy. ..I’m stubborn. I didn’t believe in God. He did. He would talk to me about God this and that, it would bother me. Months later and many prayers from him later, I came to the Lord. Then we got married.
Sex became less and less because of the pain I’ve been dealing with catching him with porn thanks to the new smart phones. Easy access. I would always catch him. …it turned into wanting to catch him to make sure he felt my anger.
Years of that, after 2 children later, I was a mess. I hated him, resented him, because he blamed me for his “mess ups”, he basically told me I wasn’t the right shape and that he ended up imagining other women…. that was the last straw. It was over. But God intervened. I couldn’t mess up our children’s lives without a daddy. He was a good dad. Definitely wasn’t like my dad or his dad. He treated our children as a dad should. But we were not happy as a married pair.
I had stuff and he had stuff.
He eventually realized he needs the emotional & tenderness he never recieved from his parents, especially his mom. His mom, worked, was always busy doing stuff, never talking turn time time cuddle and love on him. So this is what he craved….. from me. Oh, trust me, he got it from me early in our relationship &marriage…. but that fizzled away the more I learned about the lies and his secrets about his porn addiction.
Fast fwd to today. We’re still struggling. I’m 41 and he’s 47, we had twins last year. These twins were the result from trying for#3 (back to my knowing we weren’t doneven yet). 5 years after our 2nd child. No sex since the last try. Something he was concerned about. Basically, my body is falling apart, I don’t feel attractive, 40lbs over what I used to be, belly is warped from having twins, basically it’s a joke right now. We’re so apart right now. Like roomates. BUT we still talk and are together on spiritual things in what’s going on in the world today. But not emotionally close.
I’m so busy with the twins that are quite needy as tiny tots would be. We’re both tired as heck. He has sleep apnea, so he doesn’t get the rest he needs. Basically it’s a cluster f___. You fill in the blank. We’re definitely “fine”, but ultimately not. Basically in survival mode. We both want to be closer, but it’ll take time to connect again and absolute effort onot both ends.
I need to stretch out where I’m not the best at- connecting with him emotionally, talking to him about my feelings, touching him, etc. I guess I’m like the typical male that women end up having and my husband is the female wanting that attention from the other like most women are lol.
Ugh. Basically, what I think I’m saying here is, that it takes time to heal…. we must let the Lord work on us. The less we let him the longer it takes. Remember I mentioned my stubbornness? Well, there you go. But I’m also forgetful & easily distracted. Which doesn’t help the progress.
Please pray for our connection to blossom like it’s meant to be.
I must say this idea of giving or withholding sex by a woman is somewhat strange to me. Sex is something both spouses share… My husband even says it’s a man who gives it and a woman gets it. He claims she really needs sexual relations so that she can be fulfilled, relaxed and smiling. Thus a man is a provider (which is his role) of something very special and important. Among many positive aspects of sex for me is the feeling of gratitude for this wonderful gift. Is there anything wrong in our attitude..?
I’m a guy and I certainly don’t care I’m in a sex less marriage. I was the one who wanted it, married for 53 years and about 40 with out sex. My wife actually started all this and I’m at fault also. When first married my wife had all these rules that I was to follow when it came to sex and intimacy. I couldn’t do this and I couldn’t do that. I needed a rule book plus after we were married she dressed terribly. So I put up with all this, and she didn’t want my side of our problem. So I just decided to move myself to the midnight shift, and moved all my things to a room in the basement. I worked 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, all holidays, and took no vacation. With all the stress I had depression, stomach problems, head aches, sleep issues, plus I forced myself not to think about sex and with the pills for my problems I developed erectile dysfunction. And that was super and as very happy. I have no interest in wife, we don’t talk cause she’ll yell and scream as always. I take care of the outside of our house and do what I want to do.
I was thinking I had commented on this post but I guess I didn’t. I’ve so much to say and doubt I’ll get it said. I was remarried in 2009 after being 9 years single after a divorce. I believe my wife had faced some rejection in her past marriage as she seemed quite concerned that I may not be pleased with her on our honeymoon. By its nature … from my perspective anyway…. sex is always great. The worst is fantastic, the best incredible. So there was no problems there with me thinking things were somehow inadequate. As time went on, however, I noticed that she really seemed awkward and was feeling things were too rough or too this or too that and she seemed to be taking forever during a period which grew longer and longer and then even when subsided she was distressed and troubled to re-engage. (We abstain during that time) This stressed me greatly, not so much because I was not able to have self control during abstinence, but because it strongly appeared to me that we were progressing into an outright loathing of our times of conjugal union. I began to feel avoided and despised. On one such occasion the period time went on like forever and I was pretty much to a point about it, and she comes back from the restroom having gone to check if she was “done” as I had mentioned that it had been way past any normal time and she was highly agitated saying she was over in a VERY frustrated tone. Something completely snapped in me. I felt like she had repudiated marriage because that IS marriage. That defines marriage. Without it you’re room mates. I felt like she wasn’t mine. I think she may have tried to initiate even once or twice after that but I felt like it would be adulterous almost. Perhaps this is called “marital alienation” or whatever but she became “esstranged” to me. I had this overwhelming irresistible feeling that she was not mine. I dont know what you even call that.
While I feel it was grounds for divorce yet I just was absolutely not going through that again. I was not going to go around marrying and divorcing. This was/is my last marriage. (Unless she passes before I do). So I buckled down for the hard ride home. And a hard ride it’s been. I think my frustration has been evident to other women and I’ve had subtle things happen, all the way down to a woman taking her clothes off in my office. But the Lord sustained me in every instance from failure.
I have just determined that I will love this woman no matter what, and despite this bizarre indifference to fulfilling a sacred vow before witnesses I have grown to love her more than ever and way more than any woman I’ve ever had any sort of relationship with. At our ten year anniversary …. I don’t remember how…. intimacy was briefly renewed but I again felt it was forced and resented for several reasons…. mainly because she meticulously concealed from me her secret beauty and would never be seen in her native condition my my presence but only fully clothed. I outright told her that it was abundantly apparent that she still loathed me because of this and that while telling her presented the extreme risk of her again faking marital normalcy and forcing herself to present as though married and hence “not ashamed”. I told her that this is how I knew her true feelings…. that she truly despised being my wife. From that day to this she has without exception withheld the glorious view of her secret beauty to me. Despite making this perfectly plain to her. Without one single exception, while imagining herself available. I’ve not mentioned it again. We’ve had sex less since that fateful day in 2013 than we would normally have had in half a week. (During that brief respite in 2018)
I don’t know if she has someone else. Sometimes I think so. Women who were abused in youth (she was) go through strange trials. But while she imagines she’s made me happy with other delights of marriage I’m here utterly devastated making her breakfast in bed every single morning and diligently serveing all of her needs. The unspeakably bizarre result has been that Ive fallen in love with her so irreversibly for some reason…. perhaps just by reason of the committment level…. that I find myself constantly ripped in two emotionally. It’s utterly and perfectly indescribable. Meanwhile … day in, day out…. Without variation…. she remains fully clothed at all times. While massaging her feet the other night her night gown started to creep up her leg a bit and she quickly reached over and pulled it down. That hurt so badly …. there’s no putting it into words. I’m sure many people think me a fool at this point and that I should find a woman that wants to be married. But I’m Just not going around marrying over and over. This is it. And it’s the most bizarre tincture of joy and pain imaginable.
But the worst was …. last night. I was moving some image files around on hard drives and stopped to look at some of them. As I began to see the ones of her and I in the same bed … over and over I was just absolutely ruined beyond repair. (Nothing imdecent… just family pics) I was so utterly devastated, that even with the most extreme disappointments I’ve faced in life, (and they’ve been extreme) I’ve never experienced anything like it. I was was utterly crushed. Thanksgiving eve. There just no way to say it. So…. done.
Correct a sexless marriage is a fate worse than death
Am I the only woman out here in the world who’s on the other side of marriage?
After nearly 45 years of marriage we found out hubby is a high functioning autistic.
Such a relief to find out why he has never wanted any kind of intimacy. We did have
Sex in our younger years, but it was never good and always seemed like something was missing and was kinda just cold. He told me he didn’t care to touch my skin, no hugging, or kissing. Now I know why. We have a sexless marriage at this point and I’m hurting inside..every day, craving some thing that is just unavailable. How am I supposed to be a normal loving passionate woman with a hubby who doesn’t want or need any of it.
He says he’s happy with the situation but I’m dying inside.
We love each other, been together for nearly 47 years, 47 years of no closeness of hearts, no
Passionate nights of love. Im 66 now, fearing Ill die never knowing the true intimacy of marriage. Hubby is a wonderful person, does anything for me, is sweet at times, but just not available for the other side of marriage. What am I to do?