Does Duty Sex Become Dull?
Apparently, explaining to women that they are not to deprive their husbands since God is the One who commands this, creates a scenario where sex becomes a “duty” and they no longer enjoy sex. Sex becomes dull. Can I tell you what this attitude boils down to? Rebellion, plain and simple. God commands many things of us, many, and they are ALL for our good! When supposed “sex teachers” are teaching women that duty sex is wrong, they are teaching against God’s Word.
It’s our duty, as believers in Jesus Christ, to obey God regardless of our feelings. It’s not only our duty to obey God, but it’s our privilege to serve and obey the Living God Almighty. Nothing He asks of us should be seen as a duty, especially as we understand that His will is perfect. Then, whatever we do, yes, even make love to our husbands, we can do heartily as unto the Lord (Colossians 3:23).
You see, women, it all comes down to our thoughts. If we view not depriving our husbands as duty, we will view it as drudgery. But if we view it as something that is good and right since God’s will is for our best, then we will not want to deprive our husbands. We will take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ and renew our minds with truth. This is what transforms us as His Spirit works mightily within us!
Women of the world won’t understand this. They continually mock me and tell me that what I teach is dangerous. They accuse me of promoting marital rape. They want me to stop teaching these things, but I won’t. I am not looking to be popular in the world’s eyes. That’s a dangerous place to be! I want to be known for teaching truth, yes, even the truths that are not popular and even offensive in this day and age.
God wants our marriages to flourish. He created us as sexual beings. He knows that sex is an essential part of marriage. He knows that one spouse will desire it more than the other. This is why He commands that we don’t deprive each other. Then, even if we’re not in the mood, we will take those moody thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ and do what’s right instead of what we feel like doing. This is part of becoming a mature Christian; when we allow truth to lead us instead of our emotions, moods, and feelings.
Yes, I have taught about this topic a lot recently. It’s because there are so many counter and ungodly messages being given to women due to what I am teaching. Remember, always, always go back to the Word of God and this is what God’s Word commands of you:
Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
1 Corinthians 7:5
***Definition of defraud: “To withhold wrongfully from another what is due to him.”
22 thoughts on “Does Duty Sex Become Dull?”
The fact that this is even an issue is crazy. Keep speaking truth Lori.
Over 27 years of marriage, sex has been a lot of different things to me, but “dull” is definitely not one of them. I think women who are using sex to control their husbands might find it dull when he has finally done whatever it is to merit sex, but there are so many problems with that mentality I don’t even know where to begin. And I’m still puzzled. Why withhold such precious intimacy from the man you love? What is wrong with these women?
Blessings to you and your ministry! Ignore the detractors, because they oppose God’s word. You are doing a great service to countless couples.
I don’t understand why women consider duty to be a turn-off. Imagine the following scenario: your husband strides up to you and says, in a voice full of authority, “Get in the bedroom, woman, you’ve got a duty to perform!”
Then compare to: your husband sidles meekly up to you and says, in a quiet, shy voice, “Um, uh, honey? Could… maybe, if- IF you’re in the mood… you know… It’s totally ok if you’re not, but, um, may I… please…?”
Which one of those makes your skin crawl and which one would have you ready to go? Duty is sexy.
If sex has become dull, talk about it as a couple. Sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed between a husband and wife. The answer is to figure out how to better give and receive love together, not to give up. Conversations have been very helpful for my husband and I because, as he puts it, “I can’t really see what’s going on for you. You have to explain to me what makes you feel good.”
There are lots of things we have a duty to do, but that does not mean they have to become a drudgery and something we hate. We can control our attitudes and choose to engage joyfully because it is good and right. Sex being a duty within marriage is true. We don’t have to be afraid to speak the truth lest people be unhappy. Have sex with your husband because it’s your duty, but choose to enjoy it because it’s good and fun and meant to be for your benefit and the benefit of your marriage. Those things don’t conflict. Having a sour attitude because you are expected to think of something besides your own immediate desires is childish and selfish. If you can’t enjoy sex because it’s your duty, that’s a heart problem you need to get right.
Outstanding post, Lori.
Shamefully, young women are taught to reject obeying their husbands, and to deny him sex and children, but they are encouraged to get jobs, go to college, and to dress and act like whores.
Kim Kardassian, who just got the predictable second divorce, is a poster child for the modern feminist. Governed by her feelings, she acts like a whore, dresses like one, and is utterly unfit to be the wife of any Godly man, with her current attitude and immodesty.
I guess this will be controversial but here goes.
Sociosexually, when women are allowed to choose (not arranged marriages) they categorize men into three groups: “men they want coitus with”, “men they will negotiate with” and “no thanks.” Alpha-beta-gamma (you can call it something else if you want). Yes, the categorization is imperfect with some woman-to-woman variation. Let’s call it cat1, cat2, cat3.
This is just our fallen nature and I don’t blame women for this – they cannot help who they are and are not attracted to.
Most men are not, psychologically-speaking, rapists. That means they want “desire sex.” Unfortunately, “desire sex” is usually only given to men who are, well, desired (cat1). You can quibble about the numbers but cat1 guys are maybe 10-20% of men (context and woman dependent). Not enough cat1’s to go around.
“They accuse me of promoting marital rape.”
That’s because for a lot of women who get a cat2 or a cat3 hubby, coitus with their husbands probably feels like rape or prostitution since they’re not viscerally attracted to their husband. You’re right of course, it’s not “marital rape” (a category that probably didn’t exist a couple of generations ago).
The solution? I don’t know. From a female perspective (I’m not a woman so I’ll guess) don’t sleep with men premaritally because that’s probably going to even further skew your categorization of men (cat1 vs cat2). If you’re married, I guess pray to God that he allows you to be attracted or at least not repelled by coitus with your husband. The overwhelming theme in male oriented pornography is “desire sex” – the woman really wants you – why do you think so many men watch porn (yes they do it for the attractiveness of the women too)? And yes it’s a sin.
For men? I think the answer is “be skeptical of marriage.” By this I mean don’t assume you have to have sex and a wife. You can pray for the gift of chastity (men can be chaste too). Be very careful screening a wife. Don’t marry unless there are clear signs that she if very attracted to you and be aware that women can temporarily fake this to get a ring.
Haha good way to look at it.
It’s because the vast majority of these women didn’t marry the man that they truly wanted but they settle for what they could get and for financial support. There is also some divorce women who are against that and because misery love company they want to make happily married couples miserable. The other ones who hate that teaching are lesbians womens.
Chore is the correct word because Paul said that it is the husband duty to fullfill the desire of his wife in that area and same for the wife. Every woman who have genuine burnimg desire for their husband never refuse intimacy with him. That’s another reason why the ideal woman to marry is a virgin.
Ummm, both can be sexy.
If someone is not in the mood to be told to have sex but rather would like some gentle persuasion, then the second option can be hot. Also, if a woman cannot say no to sex even if she is sick etc, it creates lots of problems.
Unfortunately Ryan, there are men who wife up women like Kim K. and someone else probably will. In a society where divorce and remarriage is an option (and an easy one) men are more likely to select a wife based on her raw sexuality (for lack of a better phrase) rather than her chastity. These men don’t want beautiful women (beautiful inside and out) they want “hot” women. The message to young men is: “go for the hottest woman you can get because it’s not necessarily for life.” Men bonded to a woman for life (and those who want to be bonded to a woman for life) tend to prefer chaste women, women with inner beauty.
This one is on men, although it’s also a function of our laws and customs which are now un-Godly to say the least.
I completely agree. I have also found among my friends that the marriages that have issues with pornography are the ones where the wife consistently denies the husband. If you are going to marry someone and have a vow of fidelity between you, you cannot then deny him access to your body, it scars your marriage in one way or another. Honestly if the roles were reversed it would change women’s tunes quick enough in my opinion. Thank you so much for not being afraid to state the truth that so many choose to ignore and deny. Your blog is refreshing to read.
Ummm… neither. The 1st scenario is treating the woman like a child, the 2nd is acting like one. There is a healthy balance between the two, & it’s called invitation. BOTH spouses should be regularly inviting the other into intimate pleasure together- and as the Bible demonstrates, it should be mutually pleasurable.
This is why I never encourage people to marry for the sake of marrying.
This sounds a lot like the manosphere philosophy, and speaking as a woman who knows other women and has read about psychology, women don’t really sort men into categories. While looks are important, women care a lot more about what a man’s personality and character are like. This can be backed up by the fact that women are more concerned with an emotion connection with their man as opposed to a physical one.
Quite true, B Gordon. Ten years ago I would have happily married Kim Kardassian.
“All this the world well knows, but none knows well,
To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell”
Women try to become what the dominant men of the era desire. Today’s most powerful (externally) and wealthy men are the Talmudic Jewish bankers who own the Federal Reserve, the porn industry, and the drug industry, so, women who desire superficial men flock to corrupt and superficial men. Birds of a feather flock together. Those who are spiritual discern those who are spiritual. Most men and women are carnal, few men and women are spiritual.
The native Americans of North America, long ago, when at councils to make key decisions, would consider if their decision would have good or bad effects on seven generations in the future. Today’s typical man and woman can rarely look further into the future than seven hours.
I was at Burger King today, though I detest franchise food establishments, but was nearly starving so I had to go there, and I had on an American hat and a Donald Trump face mask, because even though this is a hoax, you’ll starve if you won’t wear a mask and want fast food, and as a truck driver I have no choice.
The cashier was younger than 25, and quite an impudent young man, which I could tell from his brusque manner. So, I decided to challenge him and see where he stood.
“Do you know where your 30% income tax goes to?”, said I in a calm voice. Of course, 99% of the population does not, education is why we are all slaves. It goes to the Talmudic Jewish owners of the Federal Reserve who not only steal from all Americans with the income tax, they steal doubly with the Federal Reserve, where they can print money out of thin air and give it to their buddies in corporations (bail outs), and in foreign countries (foreign aid), and oh yes, American taxpayers have to pay all this money back with interest.
What do you suppose his response was. Typical apathy. “I don’t care” he sings out. “You don’t care that you’re a slave”, sez I.
“No, it doesn’t affect me, I go to college, own a house, and a car, so why should I care”, says the impertinent brainwashed youngster.
Changing tones, I informed him college was brainwashing, and he was a brainwashed slave. In the stunned silence following, he collected my order, gave it to me, I thanked him, and left. How many other millions of impudent youngsters like this dunce are there in America? The worst are the older men who are apathetic about what is going on. They are chiefly to blame.
Great comment on the three categories of women. Very true.
She was married to a so called godly man. The first lady of his invented church and dresses rather feminine by today’s standards. Kim K brought back dresses (obscenely fitted ones), she brought back a big family (4 children with the aid of surrogacy), she brought back the idea of an extended family, she actually stays home and has no career to speak of bar a line of apparel that makes money without her doing much. She is a practicing Christian belonging to the most ancient Armenian Church. What Kim K represents is the great perversion of the Christian wife. Her famous for being famous ‘career’, her leeching off a billionaire to attach her fading star to and her hyper femininity is the darkest end of the spectrum of the Christian wife. It’s a major turn off to most men but a mentally ill one like Kanye. As much as you want to label Kim K a feminist she is not and is disparaged by feminists. She is actually what makes feminism attractive, it’s Christian’s job to give the world a better example. Because for a while Kanye and Kim were a Christian couple Evangelicals/Pentecostals pointed too! Kanye was given a microphone to speak about God and Kim was given magazine spreads to talk about her children’s baptism and not a single Christian organization or leader spoke out against them. Now they have proceeded to make a mockery of mental health, politics and marriage while destroying four children and NOW Christians are coming out to shame them.
Hmm what he said has merit. While prioritizing emotional connection it’s the physical connection that is often diluted in it’s meaningfulness. If a woman is choosing to marry a man for emotional connection then good sex is a bonus not a priority. This is why she ends up being uninterested or repelled by sex later on! The men she would entertain to not marry are/were probably sexually desirable. Many women as mentioned above settle. It’s a given. Marry a good man is the order of the lifetime; good entails his job, character and personality. It doesn’t involve sexual compatibility in the criteria.
Since my wife became a Christian in spirit as well as name, she has never seen an issue with “duty sex” and she agrees with your views on this, Lori, in your excellent book, The Power of the Transformed Wife. Years ago, we were at a church function and were talking to a couple we knew and this subject came up – I can’t quite remember the context but I have found that, as I have a much younger wife, “bedroom matters” appear to be of interest to others! Anyway, I stated my position at which point the other man’s wife took my wife’s arm and said,
“You poor dear, whatever do you think about it?”
Charlotte replied, “Good for Mark.”
Another time we were having dinner with a couple and the husband looked at me and said to Charlotte,
“You know he’ll want sex right up until his late eighties.”
Charlotte replied, “Oh good, I do hope so!”
Not quite the responses that were expected!
Only one problem with what you’re saying. How did they “settle” if that’s the only man they could get? As if the men are beneath them and they could get better. If they could have gotten better they would have.