Feeling Guilty For Having Sex After Married
Hollywood makes sex out to be absolutely amazing with fireworks the very first time a couple has sex so young people grow up to believe that it must be amazing always, UNLESS they are raised in a godly home by Christian parents. I was out to lunch with some friends the other day and they were all taught to be pure until marriage. They taught their children the same thing. The problem was that they weren’t taught that sex was supposed to be fun and enjoyable once married and they didn’t teach their children, either, so on their honeymoons and for a while after, it was difficult for them to enjoy sex because it was always forbidden in their minds and they felt guilt.
I asked the women in the chat room if any of them were raised this way and felt guilt once they were married and had sex, since I had never heard of this before. I was raised by a mom who clearly let us know that sex was wonderful in marriage and we taught our children the same. Many of the women in the chat room said that they did have guilt feelings concerning sex after marriage and it seems to come from the lack of being taught by their parents.
One woman wrote, “I was raised this way. Sex was never talked about except in terms of waiting till marriage. When I got married, I very much enjoyed sex, however, I had a feeling of guilt I couldn’t shake for probably a few months, like I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to do. I’m determine to have much more open conversations with my daughter.”
Another one wrote, “Yes! I was definitely raised this way and I’ve been married 17 years and still sometimes feel guilty or feel like a bad person when I do have sex with my husband. My mom made me so afraid to have sex that when I actually did (I waited until I was married), I was terrified of it.”
Yet another, “I was told very little but I knew you weren’t supposed to have sex before marriage and my mother said that once you’re married, ‘Everything is okay.’ I didn’t know what ‘everything’ was but I knew it wasn’t bad. Labels like ‘pure UNTIL marriage’ contribute to this issue. I think we are so used to them that we don’t realize what we’re saying. Yes, we are to be pure before marriage but sex in marriage IS pure. We need to teach our children that married sex is an extension of purity and not the end of it.”
The following comment was written by a wise, older woman named Paula on this YouTube about sex after marriage and children: “You treated this subject very tastefully, Kathryn, and this is the opinion from a 70 year old~~not quite Victorian woman! I would like to add that physical intimacy does not always have to be WOW to be beautiful, good for a couple’s health and closeness, and to be rewarding. Just having each other and being able to hold and love each other is a gift. You did not mention performing, but I think some people think that is necessary. Love and caring are key.
“Also, women need to appreciate that their husbands like their bodies and not try to hide them or be embarrassed by them. Do not make negative statements to your husband about your body, and be grateful for any compliments, even when you do not see it the way he sees it. In this case, remembering that ‘love is blind’ is helpful! One more tip, if you will: asking God to give you grace to bless your husband in this way, even while experiencing physical intimacy. This is a prayer He will gladly answer with a ‘yes’.”
Mothers, it’s your responsibility to be open with your children about sex at the proper age. It’s usually when they begin asking questions. You don’t have to go into details (unless they are asking right before they get married) but let them know that they are to be pure before marriage and make sure they know all of the benefits to this. God’s commands are ALWAYS for our best! Then, tell them how wonderful sex is after marriage and how God created it for us to enjoy. Teach your children to not deprive their spouse since this is a command from God (1 Corinthians 7:5).
Make sure your daughters know how very important sex will be to their husbands and that they need to be available to them even if there are times, like after birth, that they must be creative. Help them to make the decision in their minds that this will be a priority in their lives. They need to understand that their husbands should not take the place of a back burner once their children are born. If they have time to watch their favorite TV show or scroll through Facebook, then they have time to bring pleasure to their husband!
Proverbs 5:18, 19
11 thoughts on “Feeling Guilty For Having Sex After Married”
Completely agree!!! children need to know about the truth about sex so it won’t be mysterious and scary when they marry and have it! A young lady, while resisting promiscuity and hook ups before marriage, should look forward to that amazing milestone in her life upon marriage! One can be ever devoted to a person, such as a dear family member, but what crosses the line from familiar dedication and love to romance and a marriage vs, a familial bond only is indeed sex! Therefore, it is sex that makes a marriage what it truly is. Without it, you an be just as devoted, loving and faithful to a person, but not in a romantic relationship nor a true marriage. Enjoying and looking forward to it with your husband is a gift and a milestone!
I can understand though that many raised to view sex as dirty until marriage will have a hard time transitioning when it is condoned within marriage after a lifetime of abstinence. This does not mean however, like some suggest, to condone promiscuity or premarital sex! It just means that it may take time to get used to being allowed at last to have sex. Just tell yourself that you have nothing to feel guilt over, as you have waited and now can reap the rewards for your patience in a righteous union!
I believe this is a significant part of the reason so many otherwise good men seek out pornography. This has been part of the damnation ‘preached’ by the church and why the church heads for the things of the world.
As a man commented on your blog a few weeks back, the prostitute that was requested most was the one interested in her client.
Yes, each wife should be like this towards her husband. At its root, a husband wants a wife that is interested in him and interested in enjoying herself with him [Actually interested in glorifying God TOGETHER]. It does not basically matter if she is somewhat overweight, or her skin is wrinkling. It is her smile and her engagement.
God knows we will fail Him everyday, but He desires we quickly re-engage Him with a desirous smile.
Sex is such a simple yet complex subject. I recall being disgusted the idea of sex and the messages I received as a child didn’t help. I was discussing with my husband how we would communicate with our children about sex since neither of us were particularly impressed with our introductions to it.
I mentioned to my husband what we would say to a son going to college and I used the Hollywood cliche, “If you get a girl pregnant I’ll kill you.” My husband said he would never say that to a child because he has no intention of teaching his children that pregnancy or children are a curse. I was impressed with my husbands thoughts and asked what he would say then to discourage a child from sex before marriage. He is still thinking about it but every example he or I came up with either promoted guilt over sex or shame over pregnancy and having kids. It was very eye opening about how rampant evil messages are in even seemingly innocent statements to our children about sex!
Key to accepting the beauty of sex between husband and wife is openness to the gift of life. Birth control perverts Gods purpose for that union.
You can say that virginity is a gift your son will give his future bride. Remaining pure from pre-marital sex or porn will ensure that his first sexual exploration with his wife is untainted by porn expectations, comparing his or her body to anyone else, or the threat of STDs. He will be delighted by her body and she will be happy to know he has saved his first sexual experience and images to always be only of her. No one will wonder whether they are “good at sex” or feel the need to perform for the other person. He will not be confused by how another woman likes to be touched but only listen to the pleasure needs of his wife. He will be able to fully enjoy sex without being scared of STDs, a baby being born to a broken home, or the fear a woman is just using him. In turn, he will not be using a girl for sex. Learning how to please each other will be a lesson in communication essential to building strong marriage. Explain how oxytocin released during sex bonds you to others and how this special bonding should be reserved for his wife. Lastly, you can quote the scriptures to show him this is what God wants for him!
Another tip would be to find someone who can witness to him about NOT saving their virginity before sex and how they wished they would have for reasons x, y, or z. Ideally these reasons should not be about regretting having a child, feeling dirty, etc.
These messages are more practical and do not paint sex as dirty, but simply show how saving your virginity as a gift for your future wife holds many blessings and positive side effects.
Beautifully and perfectly stated, Kate. I think it may be worthy of its own post! Thank you.
One of the many things I’ve taken away from this blog is to focus on the word of a god not in the arguments of the world. It’s easy to get caught up in the exceptions. God deals with us individually and has a plan for each of us, but his commands apply to us all.
It’s better to give children positive commands rather than negative ones–instead of telling your toddler not to run, tell him to walk.
Likewise, with sex, it is best for us to present a healthy view of our bodies and sexuality–healthy meaning having a Biblical worldview. This most certainly includes lots of sex–within marriage. Indeed, one of the few specific duties Paul gives to married spouses is not to deprive each other of sex!
I think it is a good idea for husbands and wives to show physical affection in front of their kids. Nothing too graphic, to be sure (although our own attitudes are shaped by the very recent trend of having enough privacy to have sex in a different room from the kids), but it can only help for children to see that Mommy and Daddy love each other in a special way and that someday they, too, can enjoy this particular intimacy.
My friend told me of a conversation with her young teen daughter. Her daughter told her mom that she wasn’t sure she wanted to be a virgin when she got married. Why? “What if he turns out to be terrible at sex?” That was a new one to both of us. I thought my friend handled it pretty well under pressure. She told her daughter to firstly pray about it- to keep herself and her future husband pure. And that it was okay to pray that they be physically compatible, as well. Then she told her daughter that she shouldn’t expect sex to be all fireworks the first few times. Like anything else done in pairs, it takes time. And she winked at her daughter and said, “Practice makes perfect and once you’re married, you can practice all you want!”
I’ve no idea how that turned out, but I liked her answer. I thought it would’ve made sense to me at that age. Far better than, “Why? Are you thinking about having sex?” and getting her knickers all in a twist about what I saw as an honest question. My guess is that one of her friends told her that sex wasn’t so great and she began thinking about how to avoid that issue.
This site should be required-reading by all offering Christian premarital councelling.