Feminism Has Caused Men to Retreat
This post was written by Tim Keller in response to my post about female preachers.
Men are designed by the Lord to fight for women, not with them. Most of the time when wives have an argument with their husband, the husband shuts down.
This is a part of how the Lord programmed the male mind to help deescalate the conflict and control his emotions. Invariably, the wife misinterprets his silence as unloving, but the opposite is usually true.
As we see Feminism take hold in society and culture, we have seen men retreat. The best way to get rid of men is to tell them they are not needed. This has been the constant theme being preached from entertainment to academia. Men are not designed to fight for themselves; only to sacrifice for ideals larger than themselves. This is why men volunteer for military service and in times of war, the enlistment rates increase. This speaks to the base instinct in a man, to protect the vulnerable and to serve the greater good for his fellow man. In return, he hopes to be rewarded with respect and love from his country and his family.
So now that the tentacles of Feminism have been increasingly enveloping the church, we see men, consistent with their nature, retreating from a fight they are unable to win. I have heard the lament from women for years saying, ”Where have all the good men gone?” Well, I will share it with you, they are hiding in plain sight.
Yes, too many have opted to retreat to their parents’ basement playing video games; to fight and win on the only platform they feel they can win on. Far more are working hard to lead and provide. Those are the hardwired tasks God has placed inside him; most without the adoration and respect they deserve.
So why have men retreated from church where the Word of God is preached? Why aren’t husbands involved more, why? I will tell you. The last bastion of hope and support for his role in the family and in the community was the church, and it has largely betrayed and abandoned Biblical teaching on headship. Most have not even heard the term. The church has gone the way of all the institutions where a man’s contribution was respected and cherished.
It was in the church where a man learned how the home structure was designed by God and was encouraged and fiercely defended.
It was in the church where a man learned what his role and responsibilities were in his family, church, and community.
It was in the church where a man learned that marriage is a picture of Christ and her bride. The church is led, rebuked, encouraged, loved, washed, sanctified, and purified by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Marriage should look like this.
It was in the church where a man saw the older women teaching the younger women to: 1) Love their husbands; 2) Love their children; 3) Be keepers at home, and the whole point of this mandate is so that the Word of God is not blasphemed (Titus 2:5).
It was in the church where a man learned to love his wife as Christ loves His church. This is the self-sacrificial life of the husband: to protect, provide, and pro-generate his family.
It was in the church where a man learned that he, along with his God, is enough to provide for his family. He learns to trust God to meet his needs and establish the work of his hands. It’s also where his wife was encouraged to accept the standard of living God has allowed her husband to provide, and be content with the things she had.
It was in the church where a man learned to invest his time, talents, and treasure to meet the needs of those closest to him, but also for those around the world.
It’s also where he learns women are prohibited from leadership positions. Paul expressly stated that women should not have leadership over a man in the church. But you see, this is just one of a long list of areas we have tossed to the curb of expediency. This is where Feminism has taken an obvious stand. More subtle areas would include things
Lack of standards in and out of church.
Lack of teaching on Biblical roles for men and women.
Lack of teaching on Biblical submission for wives to their husbands.
Lack of commanding men to take the leadership in their homes and church.
Lack of Biblical hymnody that exalts the power, might, and authority of God Almighty.
Lack of politically incorrect, Biblical worldview preaching.
Lack of fellowship times where people can share their Christian walk with the local body of believers.
Lack of encouragement for young women to seek marriage and family as opposed to career and worldly pursuits.
Men will rise to the challenge when they are needed and see a path for love and respect. Yes, men should be like Christ in that He was abused, betrayed, and crucified, and yet still endured the cross of shame for all of us, even for those that did and would reject him. Great men are all around, but few are great apart from great women. When the women get right with God and stop trying to “do it all” and “climb the ladder,” “break down the barriers,” and “my body my choice,” maybe then we will see men step up in the areas we need them to.
Yes, we need more good men, but when will the women allow them and encourage them to stand? When will the women see their ministry is to their husband first, to their children second, and everything else third? When will the lure of monetary success fade away to family success? When will we see our men as God’s gift to our family, church, and community?
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
Proverbs 31:11,12
65 thoughts on “Feminism Has Caused Men to Retreat”
Unfortunately, both men and women are in a terrible situation. We’ve been abandoned by our churches. It seems the churches job has now become about making us all feel good about our disobedience to God. The church is not talking about what is breaking down our families. The church is silent on biblical roles for men and women. The church is silent on the importance of those roles. The church is silent about rampant porn use and adultery in both men and women. Men and women lack purpose and when we lack purpose we escape into all sorts of sin. And honestly I can’t understand why the church is silent on these topics.
While everyone has equal rights in North American society, the amount of hatred? toward men is ridiculous. Especially white men. All these stupid “woke” people claim that white straight middle class Christian men are evil oppressors and have done nothing but harm to so called minorities. This is nonsense. Western men have developed much of the inventions and discoveries we use everyday. The Internet? Electricity? Just look at the building you are in. Who do you think built and wired it? We use them and at the same time we tell them that they are not valuable.
We also often forget about truly problematic men’s issues in society. I have no sympathy for incels or unemployed, uneducated, obese losers who won’t step up to better themselves. However, we can’t forget that many types of research of men’s cancers is underfunded and that men have higher suicide rates. Yes, I am a young female saying this. I don’t think that we should forget about genuine female issues either before someone gets on me. Breast cancer for example. But it is time to stop crying about the non existent wage gap and mythical lack of control over your bodies, women.
A wiser person I know sums it up better than me: we overlook and shame men for their ancestors wrongdoing, yet we don’t give them credit for the vast good in society that they have done.
He’s right.
When men are busy fighting for control in their homes, a society falls apart.
In the Revolutionary War, men didn’t have to worry about domineering women questioning them when they got home.
Today, Patrick Henry would likely be sleeping on the couch for his “Give me Liberty or Give me death” speech, or his wife would have divorced him or separated from him.
Today, men have to often check with their wives on whether they can take actions politically, which weakens the men, and the society. Men are needed to speak out in public, yet, domineering and strong willed women, constantly nagging the men, create their own destruction.
That said, a man who is subject to God, and who conquers his lust, rarely has any problem in a marriage with a Godly woman, and, if a woman does question him, he has no time for it, as David effectively silenced Mychal’s nagging. She questioned his service to God, and he never slept with her again.
The primary teaching men get from the church and its leaders is for men to be SERVANT leaders. With heavy teaching on being servants. There is very little teaching of men to be leaders in the home, church, and community. Every group in the and out of the church designed for developing of boys into men have been infiltrated or taken over by girls. So the girls are getting the training instead of the boys. This is where this retreat begins. Preteen and early teen boys at the age where they are to learn to be risk takers and leaders are being pushed aside.
So what needs to be done. Us older men need to take back control and reject the whole leadership from behind mentality and actually start teaching young men. This may mean that the daughters may not get the training and it may lol like we are being sexists but we have to bring order back in the home and in the church and ultimately into the communities.
“I have no sympathy for incels or unemployed, uneducated, obese losers who won’t step up to better themselves.”
“However, we can’t forget … that men have higher suicide rates.”
You dont think these two things might be related? Christ said that it isn’t the healthy that need a doctor but the sick. If you’ve decided that you dont have any heart for the exact kinds of men who have dropped out and retreated what hope would a successful man have that you will stand by him if he goes through a rough period in his life? Why shouldn’t a good man think you’ll stop sympathizing with him?
With women like you who needs feminism?
At 36 i wonder if i will live long enough to hear the end of “living in their parents basement playing video games” as a shaming tactic for all single men? They are going out and building society like they have since the begining of time. It just comes with a lot less respect than it used to.
The guys who play video games endlessly women are not interested in. Why should they spend their free time doing things women approve of? Single women watch the bachelorette a show that is damaging for peoples perception of relationships but were not shaming them. Single women are not being asked to police their activities to things men might want.
It breaks my heart to hear all the lies men are told about who they are. Instead of their role being honored, they are mocked and demeaned. Can the feminists not see that the destinies and purposes of men and women are inseparably linked (1 Corinthians 11:11)? You cannot separate the one from the other. When the role of one is minimized, the family and society becomes unstable until it falls apart.
I agree, Christian men are retreating. Or maybe a better explanation is that we are refusing to go along with the rebellious women.
A CLARIFICATION RIGHT UP FRONT, I AM NOT ADVOCATING NOT MARRYING.
I am a 59 yr old widower. I AM LOOKING for a Christian woman in the age range of 50-59 yr old to marry.
Christian women 50+ yrs old and claiming to of been a Christian for 10-20-30 years but they do not even know or practice the most basic of Christian doctrines.
“Are you sure that is in the bible?”
Then when you show them it is, they say “yes BUT!” trying to change God’s word.
I hear other women say they will ALLOW their husband to lead.
ALLOW????
You are not in authority to ALLOW your husband to lead.
You are COMMANDED by God to FOLLOW your husband’s authority.
I wonder how long you would last at work if you tried telling the boss what to do instead of the boss telling you what to do?
50+ yr old women who not only can’t cook but REFUSE to do that “degrading” keeper of the home “garbage”.
50+ yr old women who talk about finding a man who will support them in what the woman wants to do, her life, her career. After all, doesn’t the bible say the man was created for the woman?
50+ yr old women that have several children still at home, children whose dad (or dads) are still alive and would have a partial say in any marriage to her and all the drama that would be. And I am open to a woman with children.
But me being a widower that married late, so have teenagers at home; even though my children’s mom is dead and would not have a say about the children, the women who have children and expect me to provide for and help raise them, all say “no they do not want my children”. They do not even stop to give it consideration, its an instant NO!
50+ yr old women who say sex is not an important part of marriage. I unknowingly entered a basically sexless marriage to my late wife when I was 40 yr old. She found all kinds of excuses for no sex with me, but after her death, things came out that show that while she denied me, she had 5-6 adulteress affairs with different men lasting months each time. The bible says that things done in secret will be shouted from the rooftops. This from a VERY conservative Christian woman. So I will NOT knowingly enter a sexless marriage.
50+ yr old women that are massively deep in debt and expect a husband to take over her debt. I did that with my late wife, NEVER AGAIN! The bible says not to strike hands for another person’s debt. That means to be held liable for another person’s debt.
50+ yr old women that say they want to travel the country and the world and not be staying at home. I ask them where all they have traveled to on their own. Answer – no where. They are waiting on a man to pay their way.
50+ yr old women that are looking for the perfect Christian man that God will give them because they are a “daughter of the King”
The woman is very overweight, refuses to follow God’s word, is deep in debt, but expects the 50+ yr old man to have a 6 pack abs, bulging muscles, $100,000+ income a year, expensive fancy cars for him and her plus a big expensive mansion of a house with servants to tend it.
Being that “daughter of the King” and expecting a perfect man from God, THEY HAVE IT ALL WRONG.
What the woman ought to be doing is striving to make HERSELF THE PERFECT WOMAN for the husband that God will be bringing her to. She is to be a helper to him, not he being a helper to her career and life.
50+ yr old women saying “no man is going to tell her what to do” but then say I am not showing them grace and being judgmental because I say I am not interested in her.
Women from age early 20’s through 50’s showing interest in me.
OVER 50% OF THEM ARE MARRIED, ENGAGED, OR ARE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN!!!
Aren’t you married with that big ring showing on your finger?
Answer “yes, so what. He doesn’t own me. I do what I want.”
Well it matters to me because God SAYS NO!
A lot of the women are just offering physical sex.
I have been a widower for years now and I haven’t kissed nor even held another woman’s hand in that time. I do not want just sex.
I WANT A BIBLICAL WIFE!
I have not given up on getting married
BUT THE REMNANT IS INDEED EXTREMELY SMALL FOR FINDING A CHRISTIAN WOMAN.
Just to add a positive note, there are many godly women out there, such as my wife. She encourages me, allows me to lead our family, and is a great example for our children of what a wife and mother should be according to biblical standards, not just my opinion. Yes, there are far too many who claim to be Christians and yet do not live a Christian life, but all is not lost and God is not done.
Unfortunately, I was domineering in my marriage. I called the shots and my husband always had to check with me about big/little decisions. It was not until recently that I realized this travesty.
I had no idea the damage I was doing. All the while thinking that my way was the right way. I had no time for other opinions.
Not until I read a post, from Lori, about Biblical submission that I realized and understood what that truly meant. I read that I would have to let go of all control and submit that control over to my husband. This was a tough pill to swallow. I knew what I needed to do because of the convictions from God, but it was tough to imagine what the consequence of giving up control would do. I thought it would be terrible and that my husband would be unable to make such decisions. Yet I pushed forward and began submitting…. everything. At the time, I had a job I was seeking and I asked him to make the call on whether I should back out from the position or to continue to pursue it. He was baffled that I would let him make this kind of decision for me. He grinned and said he’d get back with me on it. He made the decision for me to back out and become a stay at home wife/mother. The decision was scary, but I would have to say- it was the best decision and way better than what I would have chosen. I had to trust God and choose to have faith in His ways. See, God is good and He works everything out for His glory and our good. My way is not correct, and my husbands ways are not always correct, but if we honor Him by obedience, we will know at least this – He works everything for His glory and our good, even when we can’t understand it or see the “good”. We must trust Him.
I continually submit everything (or almost everything – ughhh I still sin – bummer…never ending battle….) to my husband because this is Gods way. Gods ways are right. I have to let go of me me me. Women – let go.
Can you post the link to Tim Keller writing this. I can’t find it online. Thanks.
Hi, Lori, this is Craig again. I think you may be referring to someone named Tim Dale Keller who previously posted on your blog. Sorry for my confusion! Maybe you can just clarify that in this post by including his full name? We received inquiries about Tim Keller (Timothy J. Keller) writing this since he’s the first thing to pop up in a Google search for “Tim Keller”!
When the congregation is paying the Pastor’s salary, and a Pastor has a family to support, of course the church is only going to teach the things that people want to hear. He can’t risk driving people away from the church. He needs every single person in his congregation, because he needs that money they all obediently tithe every week.
And even when a church does get a brave Pastor willing to teach the truth, often the leadership behind the church have a vote and kick him out because a big congregation looks good.
I’m not saying people should not give money to their church. But when a Pastor is 100% reliant on money from the church to feed his children, he is not going to risk saying or doing anything that is going to potentially decrease his income.
Instead of just going out and preaching entirely by faith, Satan has gotten a hold of far too many churches and put doubt in there.
I forwarded Tim Keller’s response to five young women I know. I was really struck by his first two paragraphs. I have been married 37 years and I have never heard the reason men shut down, but it is absolutely true. I pray that this post will enlighten many women to the truth.
“When men are busy fighting for control in their homes, a society falls apart.”
Which is exactly what the Powers That Be Want, and they have the world’s largest army of useful idiots to make it happen for them.
Yes, Craig, it’s a Tim Keller that comments on my post frequently.
I had it linked to the wrong article and have since changed it to the right one.
https://thetransformedwife.com/most-devout-evangelicals-support-female-preachers/
Ok. I found it. Are you suggesting that this was posted by Pastor Tim Keller? Any proof of that? Just curious. I support your work but that just doesn’t read like something a more liberal Pastor like Keller would write.
Love your comment, kak. Wholeheartedly agree. my husband has said for years that pastors shouldn’t be paid because then there will never be a conflict of interest.
Hey Lori, I’m pretty young so I’m not really in the position as far as the aged women teach the younger women. I was wondering what your thoughts were on not exactly confronting but maybe speaking with somebody about their behavior with their spouse. I have a relative who just breaks my heart because all she does is control her husband, demean him, boss him around, etc. He’s not a very masculine guy and just takes it. He often says, “happy wife, happy life, hahaha!”. They are both Christians and do love each other, it’s just very painful to me to see her so controlling. and it’s really over stupid stuff. Like he wasn’t grilling the meat the way she wanted, or he had a story detail incorrect so she had to correct him and belittle him about it. Outside of prayer, do you think I should say anything about this to her? Or just leave it?
I should also add that they are childless, they both work, she’s very big into having him do his portion of the housework, and has feminist leanings, probably thanks to college.
Gotta be honest, I don’t see the equivalency of a good man going through a rough period and “incels or unemployed, uneducated, obese losers who won’t step up to better themselves.” As a woman, I am called to submit to and obey my husband. I made very sure the man who married me was a Godly man who would love me as Christ loved the church. Submitting to a “loser” is a very dangerous thing to do.
I am not and I have no idea who Tim Keller is who posts on my blog but he is a wise man. I don’t know anything about what the Pastor Tim Keller teaches.
One of the biggest mistakes that both sexes make is thinking that the other sex thinks, feels, reasons, acts and reacts like they do.
Women, there is probably a lot about men that you do not know or understand. If you would like to learn more about the inner working of men, I recommend a book called “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn
She has probably not been taught correctly like everyone else in the past 100 years. If she claims to be a Christian, buy and give her these three books and encourage her to read them.
“Created To Be His Help Meet” by Debi Pearl
“The Excellent Wife” by Martha Peace
“The Power of a Transformed Wife” by Lori Alexander
If the Holy Spirit is inside of her, this will give Him something to work with.
Agree. A man who doesn’t love Christ, who refuses to care for his body (but who believes he is owed a gorgeous thin wife!) and has no interest in getting a job to support a future family are men I’d steer far away from. It’s not MY responsibility as a woman to marry and “fix” man who is depressed, who suffers health issues as a result of poor diet and sedentary lifestyle, and who has no hope for his future. I pray for their souls that they might know our Lord, but I submit to my husband ONLY as provider and protector. A successful man going through a rough patch in life wouldn’t drop out of society, leave his wife and children with no support, and binge drink alcohol and eat fast food to escape his problems.
“Single women are not being asked to police their activities to things men might want.“
My local gym is full of young women working hard to perfect thier bodies for their husbands/future husbands. Seems to me that no matter how fit/beautiful a woman is, we can’t escape the messages of “Lose more weight! Don’t wear too much makeup but have a clear complexion, dress modestly but not too modest because men won’t notice you. Wear lipstick, because it’s feminine, but not red, because that’s for sluts”. We are bombarded with these policing messages daily about our bodies and appearances.
Except that very often, a “good man” can go through something that transforms him into a “loser”.
And very often, a “loser” can be transformed into the most amazingly successful man.
Often, the reason men “won’t step up to better themselves” is because they’re broken. Maybe they’ve never had anyone in their corner, who believes in them. Maybe they’ve had an incredibly rough childhood, full of bullying and shame. There are so many reasons.
But do you know what is never, ever going to help these men? Contempt.
And, incredibly, one of the things that can help these men is the love and support of a woman.
I am actually disgusted to see this attitude on Lori’s blog. I’m surprised she let it through moderation.
Nowhere in the Bible are we commanded to submit to only good husbands, who aren’t losers.
I have just finished reading Debi Pearl’s book Created to be his helpmeet and I’m going to go through and read it again because, as I’ve been applying it in my own marriage, I can see the incredible difference it’s making already, and it’s literally only been a couple of weeks. After a year of following Debi’s advice, I can only imagine the incredible transformation in the man I married – who, according to your comment, and one above it, falls into the “loser” category.
H,
I criticized men who, of course as you yourself quoted from my post, “won’t step up to better themselves”.
Please let me where I talked poorly about men who are going through a rough phase in their lives but are genuinely trying to improve themselves or life situation! Feel free to quote it from my post! To put it in simple terms, won’t in this context equates refuse. Basically, a man who REFUSES TO better himself is a loser but one who is truly trying the best that he can is admirable and I don’t expect anything more. A man who invested money in a business that failed and he committed suicide because of that is a prime example of the higher suicide rate I mentioned. Of course, a suicide of an incel or anyone is a tragedy too.
Christ also said that men are called to provide and protect. You would know that if you actually studied the Word. If you believe in it, you agree with this saying too. Please explain to me how a man who refuses to seek employment or education (if needed to enable him to provide for his current or future family, not always a need of course unlike employment. Well, maybe if a man is already has enough money to provide aka retired he does not need to have a job) is honoring the teachings of Christ!
As Michaela pointed out, “submitting to a “loser” is a dangerous thing to do.” Of course women should submit to their fathers or husbands, unless he is putting them in grave physical danger (ride in a car with him while he is driving drunk maybe) or telling them to sin gravely (to get an abortion for example). Or, also if he does not want to provide is another biblical reason for women to not submit. And when I say refuse to provide, I mean to keep the family out of poverty. No need to have a huge house or new clothes or private school. A man who is providing means that the basic needs of his family are met. A roof over their heads can be an apartment with 5 people and food on the table can be simple meals like rice and beans. Kids can be homeschooled by the older daughters and mother. Women obviously need to choose a husband who is willing to provide in the ways that I just described. If they choose a “bad boy” to marry, that is on the woman. However, it is not surprising if a woman chooses a good man who is going to provide instead of one who has a mentality of refusing to improve himself or fulfill his familial, godly duty at all. If I start searching for a husband with the help of my father mostly, this is what I will look for. I have no problem with submitting to a hardworking man who goes through troubling periods, because I am far from perfect, likely even further than everyone else I think.
And I should elaborate on what I think of women. I have no sympathy for the radical feminists either. If a woman is obese and tatted with neon hair, deep in debt with a gender studies degree, and promiscuous with no stable sign of marriage, I have no sympathy for her either. Or just some of these factors. However, if a woman tries to become or remain slim, pursues something worthwhile such as community college or a job working with children as she seeks marriage, and strives to improve her domestic skills and preferably productive hobbies like baking, I would feel sympathy for her if she slips up but works to improve herself.
Personally I will be the first to admit that I am very flawed. I just graduated high school, and I still have to work on important domestic skills like sewing or other crucial life skills. I can be quite outspoken especially around leftists and against left politics or social justice warriors, so I need to become quieter. I still need to lose 15 pounds to become the ideal attractive weight for my height.
However, I am currently working as a teacher for a science summer camp for young children. I plan to go to go to community college to study history and education in the fall, only due to a scholarship I had gotten. I cook meals from scratch on a daily basis and regularly do housework for my family. I am exercising frequently to lose weight. If my parents wanted me to look for a husband immediately, I would. My father initially wanted me to go to university but I suggested community college and he agreed, so I am submitting to the man in charge of me at this point in my life but also considering debt and future family. I listen to and learn from other conservative teachers and mentors I know. I strive to become an ideal person in all areas of my life, and I look to self improvement. If you want to find a spouse, I advise you to better yourself and then accuse others of not doing it!
I love this!
KAK & TinyTimm, this post from Tim Keller point to the root problem in “The Church.” The author and the modern “church” worship the church, the bride, and not the bridegroom. The bridegroom has the power to save, the bride does not.
In Genesis 3, Original Sin is letting your wife lead you instead of leading her. “Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat of it…” Genesis 3:17-19. What Keller is suggesting is that the Bride leads, and not God the Father
The system that God the Father instituted after the fall was patriarchy, because it reflects his rule. “For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name.”
Ephesians 3:14-15 NIV
Churchianity, the worship of church, wants to subvert that. It is really goddess worship, with platitudes like “happy wife, happy life” instead of “Happy God, Eternal Life.” The church is not supposed to teach you how to be a Godly family, the family is. The church exists because “Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.”
Ephesians 4:11-13 NIV
Amen Sister, praise God for older women like Lori teaching us younger woman Gods commands for biblical womanhood.
It’s encouraging to hear your testimony of God working in your heart and marriage.
May the Lord continue to bless you and your marriage and keep softening your heart to His will.
I honestly think that the problem often doesn’t stem up from the church but the home. Yes, the Church and the Pastor have a role to play but oftentimes parents neglect their role of teaching their children, prayer and study of God’s word is neglected and a lot of family time is spent on either television and or gadgets. While the Church plays an important role, the family is the primary setting for teaching. The media has more influence than the pulpit because people spend 6 days being influenced by it and we expect 1 day in Church to change our minds. Family worship is important, if any church is to be a warm environment with true teachings of Christ, it must begin at home. While our Pastors have a huge role to play, we cannot put over them a huge burden. It is therefore important for families to impart what is good and Church be a place of worship, a place where we share God’s goodness, accentuate the truth and receive power for the week ahead. It is our duty as Christians to take care of our Pastors, we are the ones who have failed them by treating them with less respect because we inwardly believe that we provide for them rather than being called to do our duty as God would have us.
Hello Thom, I am the writer of this comment. I am not the world renown author and pastor Tim Keller residing in New York. I will try to include my full name in future comments to avoid the confusion. Thanks Lori and Ken for your ministry and posting my humble words, Timothy Dale Keller, Spring Texas.
Why did he marry her? Poor guy
She’s nice and fun, I guess? I don’t really know. I don’t see them very often, so I don’t know all that goes on. I just see what I see when I see them so I can only imagine it may be worse when they’re at home alone or something. ?♀️
Don’t pay any attention to them, Casey. Do what you can to stay in shape and eat healthy. I believe men notice a cheerful and friendly attitude more than they do anything. Learning godliness with contentment is the best thing that young women can do. The fashions of this day come and go but God’s Word and His ways last forever.
To say there are MANY Godly women is a stretch. I have been in (what I thought to be) good churches all of my (55+ years) life and Godly women are very few and far between. Many put on a real good show for church gatherings but it’s just that, a show.
Kevin,
Women can be excellent actresses. They show you what they want you to see until they get what they want (a ring on it) and then, sometimes overnight, they revert to their true nature. To all young unmarried men, I give this advice… CAVEAT EMPTOR
For further clarification: I submit to my husband and to NO OTHER man and I vetted him and his family thoroughly knowing even if he’d ever find himself in a less than ideal situation such as job loss or a traumatic injury or catastrophic health problem, his attitude is such that he wouldn’t turn to drug abuse, physical violence, or remain unemployed out of sheer laziness (not disability). There are dangerous men, like incels, who do have a deep hate for women. The “love and support of a woman” for a man who finds contempt with women and the nuclear family is a recipe for disaster.
Like the comment below, if given the choice to “rehab” a man who had a rough childhood, who does not know the Lord, and who struggles openly with drug/alcohol abuse and as a result has many health problems versus a man who loves and fears God, who was raised by good parents, who cares for his body and his mind, and who is passionate about supporting a future family-I’d certainly choose the latter. I will pray for these men because they are my brothers in Christ and should not be regarded with contempt-but Jesus is their Savior, not me!
You choose the man you marry and who will be the father of your children…be wise.
Thanks for the recommendation. She likely has the first two, since her mom loves both those authors and always buys her children books for Christmas, but it would surprise me if she had read them.
Hi Trey,
If we lack knowledge it’s not because we don’t want to know. I spent 23 years trying to get my husband to share his thoughts/ struggles with me. I have read every book I know of
on men. I’ve even read books written for men about issues men face. I have read books on the differences between male and female brains. I would ask my husband questions from the books. I would ask him if any of the problems men faced were true for him. He would just lie to me and say no. It’s hard to understand someone who doesn’t want to be known.
I have a real question. What is the difference in both man and woman be willing to die for Christ (as in the bible is said) and man dying for their ideals like it is said in the post that they enlisted in militaty etc
All believers should be willing to give their lives for Christ and we are promised persecution on an individual basis. Defending one’s country by going go war is what God has called men to do.
I think you miss the point of the Church as how it relates to men. How is the church going to support men in their headship over the family when women in the church vote…
That most likely means that he does not trust you enough to confide in you. You might consider that it’s not him but you.
It sounds like you have put in quite a bit (a suspicious amount) of effort into this. What were your motivations for wanting to “understand” him better. Did you desire to use your new found knowledge to manipulate him or try and control him more? Some men can sense that kind of motivation and he certainly would not be onboard with that.
Was there a time that he did share something personal with you only to have you turn around and use it against him? Once bitten twice shy.
Was there a time that he confided a fear or struggle that he had, only for you to make light of it or dismiss it as petty? It only takes getting hit in the face once before a husband will not hand his wife that bat anymore.
Was there a time that he shared a weakness with you and did you make him feel small because of it? Never again he said to himself.
These are just some of the possibilities and may not be true of you at all but there is certainly some reason that he does not trust you enough to confide in you.
Maybe his mother was a battle axe who was horribly contentious to his father and from her hellish example he learned that it is not worth the risk to confide in or fully trust a woman.
Just some food for thought.
Casey – Incels and men who hate women don’t necessarily fall into the “loser” category. Many of them are highly successful.
Of course no woman should ever choose a man like that.
I’m talking about men who, in general, have a good heart, but have struggles. These are so often men who are called “losers” but they’re actually deeply sensitive, empathetic, kind, generous, and caring men who would willingly die to protect their family. But because they’re quiet, and have health issues making them overweight, and preventing them from working a full-time job (my own husband has a very severe back injury from his previous life as a very active dairy farmer. Surgery has a 30% chance of success, 10% chance of no change, and 60% chance of making it worse, including paralysis – so he lives in immense pain daily).
You don’t know how someone is going to react in these circumstances, no matter how carefully you vetted the family.
Until you’ve seen your big, strong husband crying in pain…. Prescription painkillers change personalities and have side effects even worse than natural (yet illegal where I live) drugs. You can only watch helplessly as addiction takes hold.
It’s so easy to be all smug and say “the man I chose would never do that” but let me tell you that EVERY man has a breaking point. And if he reaches it, if you want to be able to help him, contempt isn’t going to be particularly helpful.
Hi Trey,
Interesting. Actually the abuse he suffered was at the hands of his parents not me.
Why was I interested? To be a better wife and to try to understand why he had a propensity to lie about even the smallest things. We’ve now learned after a couple of years of him being in counseling that is how he learned to survive growing up with an angry, mean, drunk father. So it has nothing to do with me at all. It was a habit that he used growing up and continued to use in our marriage.
His mother was a quiet woman. She had to be to keep her angry husband happy to keep the peace in the family.
Have I been a perfect wife? Nope I have dealt with a lot of hurt myself from my husband. I have been distant from him to protect myself. At times I have even felt hatred toward him But, I’m working on being grateful for where we are today and focusing on the present and letting go of the past. This blog has been a wonderful place to help me with that.
In case your interested I will tell you the man I have as a husband today is not the man I had for 23 years. He is amazing! God has been so good in healing his wounds. I am enjoying getting to know him and I am grateful to be his wife.
AMW,
It is good that your motives were pure and you were persistent and faithful in your pursuit of being a good helper to your husband.
May your husband and children call you “blessed” and your testimony be an encouragement to others.
Can you please post an article or video from a christian pastor shaming women in their 20s to go to the gym? I dont believe such a thing exists. Your claiming it does. Im responding directly to language that appears in many or most christian articles and videos about single men.
One of our pastors told me how they have to skate around and b sensitive to anything criticizing women. He said if there is anything criticizing a woman in the sermon attendance will b down 10% the next week. It really makes me wonder what % is saved. Because we are talking about the lightest nicest with jokes added in hey your great mothers and men make mistakes critique.
I wanted to leave this link from Family Life Today with Dennis Rainey because this podcast and the book discussed has really been an eye opener for me and has shown me I am guilty of more hurt to my husband than I was aware of. I understand the basis of this book was about her husbands porn addiction and not every man uses porn, but the message to women on what we do to hurt our men is so helpful and I’ll be honest sometimes hard to hear.
Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2uUw0nQx4Q&t=595s
If you listen I would love to hear your thoughts.
Are you meaning voting in an election or voting on Church issues? If the latter, I don’t understand why voting on church issues even happens. I mean, the Bible lays out the standard for churches to uphold. Why would there be anything needing a vote? Shouldn’t God’s word be enough?
Aside from that, the church leadership should be men, and the Bible outlines the hierarchy.
So why would voting ever be necessary?
Oh, no, I didn’t mean shaming women into going to the gym. That’s not what I said-I said women’s bodies and appearances are policed by Christian men and the gym is just one example I see of women working HARD at fitness and nutrition to maintain their figure.
Again, “ Single women are not being asked to police their activities to things men might want.” Yes, they are-men want thin and beautiful, and the pressure is on for women to do so. There are endless articles, videos, books, and blog posts from pastors and other Christian men about this.
Hi KAK,
In churches I have attended women get to vote on the elders and deacons of the church. And sometimes there are votes to approve church budgets.
Thank you for your reply and words of encouragement, Lori. I often feel pressured to fit into a very narrow standard of beauty by both the Lord and by the world. It’s always “those last 5 pounds” then it’s another 5, and another, and calorie counting…it can become a very unhealthy obsession for young women.
It’s not the Lord who wants you to lose weight, Casey. The Lord doesn’t care what you look like.
1 Timothy 2:9 tells us how the Lord wants us to adorn ourselves, and our weight isn’t mentioned there at all.
1 Peter 3:3-5 speaks of a woman’s appearance too, and again, no weight is mentioned.
God is interested in our spirit. Our heart.
He does command that we not be gluttons, however, so we must keep this in mind and discipline ourselves. We are to be known for our temperance in everything.
The first “institution” God created was the family. The family is the foundation for the other “institutions” God created: church (The body of believers, but with a given biblical structure) and civil government. It is the family that has been the source of these failings. We need to teach the biblical truth and command of biblical male headship and leadership and female helping and submission and live them in all of life. So again, the biblical role of women is so very foundational, so incredibly important. We help our men be who and how God made them by joyfully fulfilling or role as respectful, submissive helpers. And thus we engage in Christ’s work of building the church. How amazing is that!
I also wanted to say that I think it is a command that the church members support their pastor in the tithe. It is sinful for a pastor to trust his own devises and tailor his ministry and message to garner or influence the tithe (as if it is his income when it is instead the church members’ faithful and joyful returning to God what is already His own). It is sinful for church members to use the amount they tithe as a method to encourage their indulgence (man centered messages, etc). The tithe is not principally the pastor’s income. We are not to think of it that way.
So true! The family is the foundation of society. If it isn’t correct all other society institutions will also be incorrect.
Isadora,
While the point is well taken, the Bible actually says to pay your pastor.
However, we need to be hiring men who have a fear of God, not man. If he does not, he is not worthy to be a pastor.
Kevin, I am sorry you feel this way. Men, as well as women, can be hypocrites. I counsel all young people to keep the butterflies out of their relationships, court for a year, and seek advice and counsel from older people who have their best interest at heart.
I love James Dobson’s advice to keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut after.
I am way behind in all my readings so I just read this today. WOW!! So timely for the church.
As a 52 year old woman, I agree completely with this gentleman. I bought into the Rockefeller Women’s Liberation nonsense in my teens and up to my forties. It doesn’t work because it wasn’t created by God.