Fighting for Her Marriage and Learning to Please Him

Fighting for Her Marriage and Learning to Please Him

There are women who acknowledge their wrong past behavior in their marriage. Their husbands have left them for other women. These wives can see how they pushed their husbands away with their indifference, withholding sexual intimacy from them, and their lack of affection. They won’t give up on their marriage because they are not only fighting for their husband’s eternal soul but for their family to stay as one, especially for their children’s sake.

There is one such woman who has allowed me to share some of the letter she has written to her husband in trying to win him back. There is definitely a softening on her husband’s part as he can clearly see the change in her and that she is fighting for him as Hosea fought for his adulterous wife. Here is what she said concerning the topic of arguing which most marriage books and conferences teach are part of all marriages. She has humbled herself in front of him, admitted her mistakes, and by God’s strength working in her promises to do better.

“I do not want to argue with you anymore. Seriously. I’d always heard that you will fight in marriage but that you have to learn to fight fair. Is this really true? I think that was just about one of the worst pieces of advice one can give. I actually don’t think God wants married couples to fight with each other at all! The husband is the head and the wife is to submit to his leadership. So there should be no arguing on my part period! Gently discussing differences of opinion or differing suggestions, yes, but there is absolutely no value in arguing to get my point or thoughts across.

To your point, yes, we should act like we are on the same team! Arguing, even done ‘fairly,’ just serves to drive a wedge between two people and leaves them on the opposite sides of chasm. I don’t want to argue with you ever again and do not intend to! I give you full permission to address any tone, words, or interactions that come across disrespectful and argumentative. I plan to guard my tongue on this but you are still welcome to call me out. I think in the past if you had been able to gently and in a loving way point out how damaging my arguing was instead of stuffing your feelings inside it could have helped, too. But ultimately it was me who was responsible for my stubborn and argumentative spirit.”

Another area her husband is unhappy with her is in the area of her messy homemaking.

“Sigh. I will say I am NOTHING like your mom. My mess is not everywhere but contained to a few usual areas which I am actively working on getting cleared up. There are many houses I’ve been to that are much, much messier than ours. You might not believe me but I truly do prefer to have things organized and in their place, just like you. Where I fall short is getting from point A to B of how you get messes organized. I get completely overwhelmed and it’s like I freeze up, wanting it to be done perfectly and not knowing how. This is another area where I believe your strengths are a great complement and asset to my weaknesses.

What if instead of losing your patience or insulting me about areas of the house that stress you out, if you gently offered suggestions for how things could be better put in place? Still it’s on me to do a better job but this is just a thought. I should have listened to you early on in our marriage about how important this was to you to try and circumvent the issue building up. Nonetheless, I am trying to go back and clean things up the way I should have a long time ago.

And when you say to throw something out (instead of keep it), I should have. Another thought to throw out there is that, I believe, if you had felt more satisfied in some of the core areas of our relationship (emotionally, sexually, generally feeling good about the relationship) you would have been less inclined to have a critical attitude toward my flaws. Not that I am saying I should be off the hook, because, like I said, things like organization, fitness, etc. are areas of personal frustration for me too and I want to change and be a good model for our girls. But I’m saying if overall the relationship was stronger, the little things probably wouldn’t have grated on each of us as much.”

As godly wives, we are to learn what pleases our husbands and then do them. Today’s “enlightened” women don’t want anyone to tell them what to do (except their bosses, of course). There is little respect for authority and zero respect for a husband’s authority. This woman has seen her lack of respect for her husband’s authority, confessed it, and wants to change for him. She wants to learn to please him. Let’s learn to please our husband in everything. Yes, this takes a humble and teachable spirit but this is what we are all called to have in order to become more like Christ.

She that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
1 Corinthians 7:34

60 thoughts on “Fighting for Her Marriage and Learning to Please Him

  1. Can you expound upon what you mean when you say “they are not only fighting for their husband’s eternal soul”? I am not quite sure I understand what this means. Can you provide scripture with this for further understanding? Thanks.

    1. People who live in continual and unrepentant sin will go to hell according to the Word of God, Tamra. Any man who would leave his family and live in an adulterous affair with another woman is most likely not saved. Read 1 John.

      I have a friend and her sister’s husband moved out of their home and lived in an adulterous affair with another woman. My friend’s sister didn’t fight for him and now he is on his third woman and a mess; far from the ways of the Lord. If he doesn’t repent and believe, he will suffer in hell for eternity.

      Other women have had the same things happened to them but they fought for their husbands (as the woman who wrote the above letter is doing )and have won them back. These husbands have repented of their sins and believed in Christ as their Savior. Their marriages are strong, their children are happy, and they attend church regularly. These women fought for their husbands’ eternal souls, as God has told them to do in 1 Peter 3:1-6, and won them to the Lord and back to them.

      1. Is there a specific verse that says a man will go to hell for this? I guess I am not understanding how divorcing and repenting is not like any other sin? Some people divorce and repent but don’t reconcile their marriage. They will still be in heaven. Isn’t saying that basing salvation on works?

        Almost 2 decades ago, I was divorced. I was married very young. Under absolutely no fault of my own, my young husband left me after a few months and divorced me. I don’t believe that he will spend eternity in hell for that. He still loves the Lord and believes in Him as Savior and follows him. That is the only ‘act’ for salvation. And it certainly would not be MY fault if he lost his salvation. I guess I just don’t see the connection, biblically.

        1. “For the unbelieving husband is set apart for God by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is set apart for God by the husband. Otherwise your children would be corrupt, but now they are set apart for God. ” (1 Corinthians 7:14)

          As long as a believing wife is in an unbelieving husband’s life, he is seeing Jesus who lives in her and this sanctifies him. There is a much better chance that he will repent and believe if the wife fights spiritual warfare for his soul.

          “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;” (1 Peter 3:1) Disobedient husbands are won to the Lord by godly wives who are willing to live in subjection to them, without preaching the Word to them, but showing Jesus to them by the way they live. This is powerful stuff!

    2. Dear Tamra,

      We are not wrestling with flesh and blood in this battle for the souls of our mates and children. We are engaged in spiritual warfare with the principalities and wickedness of the rulers of darkness. But greater is He within us than the enemy of our mates’ or children’s souls.

      I Googled verses to “help a fallen brother” and a myriad of powerful and lovely words divinely inspired by God Himself came up, to name only a few:
      Ecclesiastes 4:10
      Hebrews 6:10; 13:16
      John 15:12-13
      Philippians 2:4
      Proverbs 3:27
      Romans 15:1
      1 John 4:19-20
      Matt 25:35-40 and 44-45
      Galatians 6:1
      James 5:19-20

      Without the life-giving breath of God, each of us would be destined for hell. Some must be resuscitated, and could it be that that’s why you’ve come? Why you are here? Could you have come to the Kingdom for such a time as this, for the very saving of our man’s soul? My husband’s?

      The season when my own dad left my mother is one we call “When Dad lost his mind.” Literally, the vapors– if you will– of evil consumed every centimeter of his life, so much so that he would leave his wife of nearly 25 years and their youngest 14 year old child for another woman who was on her second husband. “What is he thinking?!” haunted us over and over. “What is he thinking?”

      Until her prodigal husband “came to his senses,” as the Word says about the prodigal son, Widow Connie Hultquist cried out to God daily for her wayward man, setting a place for him at the head of their dinner table for 12 long, horrific years. She did battle for him on her knees in prayer, listening for the door, ears cocked for the sound of his footsteps. He came home numerous times, and she asked no questions. That’s what shame does, asks why did you leave me? Asks, what were you thinking? She never shamed Jim. She said she just poured her love out on him, helped him bathe, exchange his rags for clean clothes, poured in the oil, massaged his broken body, filled his stomach with a delicious, hot meal that she had stirred with love and seasoned with reverence and compassion.

      Widow Hultquist fought on her knees in obedience to the Word of God for the soul of her ungodly husband. Finally, after 12 long years of running from God, Connie’s faithful prayers chased her husband down; Jim couldn’t refuse that kind of deep love for another second. He yielded and humbled himself before God and went back home. He decided he wanted Connie’s God. His widow says it was worth every tear shed, every trying moment of every lonely night in their bed. Jim was Connie’s Jesus, and when she acted upon her faith in these ways toward “the least of these,” she had done it unto Jesus.

      See, we forget that our husbands are Jesus wearing size 32×32 Levi’s or size medium Fruit of the Looms or a 15.5 x 33-inch dress shirt. This man is a soul, and every spiritual battle we fight, every prayer we pray, every meal, swept floor or pair of clean socks is worth it so he’ll never whiff the fumes of hell. If we wouldn’t wish hell on Jesus, we must do everything in our power to see that our husbands don’t go there either.

      Baptize us, Lord, with a love for our husbands’ souls!

      *hugs*
      ~Kelley

      1. This is so beautiful, Kelley. I actually have tears flowing from your inspiring and lovely words. I was reading Connie’s letters as she was trying to win her husband. She is an amazing, godly woman. I was reading when her husband finally came home and she was able to minister to him and see him repent and believe in her Savior. I was so happy for her. I was also reading when Jim had a heart attack and died and the sorrow I had for her but joy that he was saved and they would spend eternity together.

        I am going to use your beautiful comment for a post of its own. I will pray it encourages the many women out there who are willing to fight for their husbands.

        Did your mother ever fight for your dad?

        1. Lori,

          Sadly Mother fought back the flames of hell on behalf of her man for a season. Of course I don’t know Mother’s heart, but I know mine, and I stand today in the gap for my father’s soul.

          *hugs*
          ~Kelley

          1. It would be difficult without other women encouraging her in this battle. This is what makes Connie so amazing. She fought it on her own with the Lord fighting it for her, of course, but she stood her ground on the solid Rock and never gave up. She reaped what she had sown.

          2. That is beautiful Kelley. I will have to look this woman’s teachings up.

            Should a woman still pray for the return of her husband if he has since gone on to get remarried? Have children? I don’t think that is biblical. I also don’t believe there is scripture that supports that he stays unsaved/lost his salvation and will perish to hell (speaking to my situation solely). I spent a long time on my knees praying for my husbands return. He did not. He remarried. I couldn’t continue to pray for another woman’s husband.

            The scriptures quoted above speak about an “unbelieving” husband. Believing husbands get divorced too. As mine was a believer. Is there a scripture that says a person will lose their salvation if they are divorced? I don’t believe there is. I am not trying to be argumentative, just trying to get a biblical foundation for this. It is a sin, just like any other sin. Just as a person would not lose their eternal salvation for lying, cheating, murder, etc… a person surely would not lose theirs for divorce.

            I am waiting a reply from my Pastor on this topic. I have never heard this.

          3. I encourage wives to fight for their husbands until their husbands get remarried, then it’s over. He has abandoned his wife for another woman.

            The ONLY unforgivable sin is the sin of unbelief. Anyone who doesn’t repent of their sin and believe on the Lord Jesus Christ is damned for eternity.

          4. Lori I ask that you please post this to the young lady whos husband is remarried. The man is living in adultery. According to Matthew 19:9 and Matthew 5:32. Also 1 corinthians 7. This is a salvation issue because if she were to remarry then she will be living in adultery as well. I noticed you dI’d not post my other comment. Did I say something rude or disrespectful that it could not be posted?

          5. Submissive,

            He has been remarried for over a decade. I have remarried as well. No, this is not a salvation issue as I am still very much saved. So is he. Saying that his (or my) salvation is now lost is saying that Christ’s redemption on the cross was not enough to cover the sin of divorce. It was enough. It is enough. Even though I didn’t want the divorce, I have repented. I believe he has as well. Divorce is a sin, yes. The same as any other sin. Jesus’ blood was enough to cover every.single.sin. Like Lori said, the only unforgivable sin, that the Word says, that WILL send you to hell, is to deny Jesus as savior.

            It would be sinful of either of us to leave our respective spouses and children to rejoin after many years of faithful, God-filled marriages. I went through many years of pastoral counseling and guidance for this. I trust the wisdom of my Godly pastor who has been doing this for 30+ years.

          6. In response to the idea that a divorced and remarried person is living in continual adultery or that they should go back to the first spouse, this is completely unbiblical.

            In Deteronomy 24 and Jeremiah 3 it tells us that when a woman is divorced and remarries, and then her second husband divorces her or dies, she cannot ever go back to the first husband. It would be, not only sinful, but an abomination, for her to do so. This can only be the case if the second marriage is actually a valid marriage that breaks the first marriage.

            Given this Biblical evidence, we can see that Jesus’ clarification that divorce and remarriage are adultery must be a one-time act of adultery in that making new marriage vows is a violation of the first marriage covenant, and yet it breaks that first covenant and sets up a new one that God views as binding.

            Never in scripture is further divorce commanded or even recommended. Going back to a first spouse after remarrying is wrong. We are told in I Cor. 7 that we should continue in the marital state we are in when we repent and not seek to leave a spouse. It doesn’t tell people to try to go back to a previous spouse they never should have divorced.

  2. Oh my, thats a MASSIVE promise to never fight with him. If i felt my husband was being unreasonable i would really struggle to hold back the tears or being blunt. I dont really nag, i just tell him bluntly and leave it at that. I think i would really struggle during those times.

    1. I encourage you to look up all of the verses about a quarreling and contentious wife, what God has to say about anger and strife and being peacemakers, and see if you don’t change your mind. Fighting never produces the righteous life that God desires from us!

      1. Oh, im quite familiar with those. Im just saying thats something i would struggle with particularlyif i thought he was being unfair or unreasonable. Not saying my actions are ok.but for instamce if he told me we are selling our house so we can live on a boat and sail around the world, I’d think he had lost his mind. And id bluntly tell him im not happy with that and i think your insane. Not a great reasponse mind you. (By the way, he had lightly suggested it to me after we had spoken to another large family with kids the same age as ours and i said no way jos’e. I dont think he was serious though. Just teasing.

  3. How do I get my wife to truly embrace being a Titus 2 woman? Maybe I can’t; only God can. I have told her about this blog. I suppose now my only option is to pray for God to work on her heart. I love my wife greatly. I simply want her to truly “own” her roles as wife and mother. I don’t want her to do it out of guilt or some sense of obligation. I want her to see her role as homemaker and help meet as God’s design and in obedience to that role is where she will find true joy and peace!

    Blessings!

    1. Phil,

      Could you teach your wife what your Word says? Could you patiently show her how she is in disobedience to God’s Word? Could you start by teaching her in humility how YOU obey AND disobey God? How you want to have a marriage relationship that pleases God? Not only one that pleases you? What does that look like? Could you learn together what pleases God in a marriage relationship? I’ve found that when we teach, we learn.

      Leave out the “disobedience to me (her husband)” part until the revelation comes from God. From personal example, if a husband will confess his own sins to God, in a prayer, and he lets his wife ‘in’ on this in her hearing, with his beloved lying in his arms in their marriage bed, I have personally experienced the sweet presence of the Holy Spirit as it melted some of my own blinders away. I have found that when my husband verbally and physically displays his love for my soul, my heart softens toward him and the truth of God’s Word sets me free.

      I don’t know if Ken’s counsel would agree with my own testimony here as a good man’s wife, but I pray you’ll seek Ken’s help. Your beautiful wife is worth it. Thank you for being patient with her and caring enough for her soul to want to align your marriage with the Word of God and a multitude of wise counsel on the matter.

      Blessings to you and your precious wife. Keep up those prayers for her!

  4. I’m the wife who keeps screwing up. I’m too ashamed to go into detail, but I screwed up in the worst possible way last evening. I don’t know what my husband knows, but he hasn’t been as “friendly” as what he has been. I don’t blame him. I just know that we’ve been doing good and it seems as though God answered my prayers to heal us as individuals and as a couple, and it seems as though God did. Yet, I keep screwing up. Why doesn’t God prevent it? Now,I just don’t know. I never did. If I had any answers, I wouldn’t be in this mess (to say the least). I don’t know what to do.

    Thank you. This writing paralleled nicely with what I was thinking last night (when I realized I could have ruined everything worse than what I’ve done.)

    1. You ask, “Why doesn’t God prevent it?” He doesn’t prevent you from “screwing up” because He has given you a free will. You are not a puppet on a string. We reap what we sow. If you sow to the flesh, you will reap from the flesh. If you sow to the Spirit, you will reap from the Spirit. It is your choice.

      You need to begin believing God. I encourage you to listen to Michael Pearl teach Romans at The Door on Facebook. You must begin believing who you are in Christ and that you can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you. You are transformed by renewing your mind with God’s Word so dig into His Word and begin believing what He says about you!

    2. Laura,

      Could you go to your good man and say, “Honey, you are such a good husband to me. On this earth, you are God’s greatest gift to me from Heaven above. I need to confess to you, Babe. I know the Truth of God’s Word says that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just. And WHEN we confess our sins, He will forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

      “Honey, I need to confess to you. Last night I really messed up. I can tell that I have hurt you and I know that I was so wrong. I said some things I deeply regret. I regret saying them because they’re not true, and saying things that aren’t true is lying. I am sorry, so sorry for saying those things and for hurting you with my hasty, thoughtless words. I will try my best not to talk like that or say that to you again.

      “And for what I did last night when I _________, that was just plain wrong for me to do that. In reflection, I should have instead of done A, B and C. You don’t decide how I act. I take full responsibility for my actions. I was wrong, wrong, wrong, and I am so sorry for what I did.

      ” The reason I wrote all this out and am reading it to you is because I have asked God to help me confess to you and not leave anything out. If His Word says that He is faithful and just to forgive me if I confess my sins to Him, well, I believe that somehow, some way, hopefully in time you will find it in your heart to forgive me, too. I love you so much, and I thank you for listening to my confession. I mean every word.

      “I really need your prayers, Babe. I want to be a good wife to you, and I want to stop messing up our relationship. I need to teach myself to keep quiet and keep my mouth shut. I love you very much, and because you are an excellent husband, you deserve an excellent wife. So, unless you have something you might like say to me– and I want to hear it– but after you say whatever you want to say, would you put your arms around me and pray over me to be a better wife to you than I have been? I really need God’s help!”

  5. Lori, I was just wondering, if that wife makes that sort of a promise to her husband, and then during a really trying time starts arguing with him again, is the solution to just make sure you apologise quickly? I don’t like making promises that I will struggle to keep. So I just wanted to settle this question in my mind. But I know if I stuff up my husband would typically take a jab and accuse me of lying or making it up. So how do we deal with this hurdle?

    1. When I was deciding to not argue with my husband, I would tell him that I’m never going to argue again and shake his hand. If I blew it, I would do the same thing. I kept speaking truth to both of us and what my goal was to do. This is good! I don’t want to argue with him anymore. Ken knows this is my heart so he helps me but I can’t even remember the last time we argued. You have to start somewhere and I don’t want to live in disobedience to the LORD.

      1. I asked my husband what he thought about the concept and he was like, why is that such a surprise to you? How can you not get it? But you argue with me all the time. Ouch! Glad he was honest though. Will have to work on that area.

  6. Tamra, you say that’s it not not the unpardonable sin, which it is not. BUT if you continue to live in sin this is the issue. Repentance mean to stop what your doing and turning away from what is called sin. If you and your husband were never married before then you are still his wife and he still your husband. It is called adultery according to the scriptures I posted earlier. There us no condemnation to those who repent and turn from there ways, but if you continue in sin this is the problem. A murderer cant say they repented and continue to kill people. I say this in love. I pray you seek the Lord and ask Him if your marriage is acceptable in His sight because I don’t know all the details but if you and your husband have never been married before you two got married then you are still married and no divorce paper can change that in God’s eyes.

    1. In response to the idea that a divorced and remarried person is living in continual adultery or that they should go back to the first spouse, this is completely unbiblical.

      In Deteronomy 24 and Jeremiah 3 it tells us that when a woman is divorced and remarries, and then her second husband divorces her or dies, she cannot ever go back to the first husband. It would be, not only sinful, but an abomination, for her to do so. This can only be the case if the second marriage is actually a valid marriage that breaks the first marriage.

      Given this Biblical evidence, we can see that Jesus’ clarification that divorce and remarriage are adultery must be a one-time act of adultery in that making new marriage vows is a violation of the first marriage covenant, and yet it breaks that first covenant and sets up a new one that God views as binding.

      Never in scripture is further divorce commanded or even recommended. Going back to a first spouse after remarrying is wrong. We are told in I Cor. 7 that we should continue in the marital state we are in when we repent and not seek to leave a spouse. It doesn’t tell people to try to go back to a previous spouse they never should have divorced.

      1. Actually, and I mean no disrespect it says to either reconcile or remain unmarried. Dueteronomy 24 was a law that was given under the old covenant. We are to hear what Jesus said about marriage. The Jews understood what this passage meant. It’s actually quite wrong to pick and choose what you want to follow from the law of Moses. We are to hear what Jesus himself has said. The whole bible is about a marriage. Right now we are in a bethroal period. We are not married to Jesus yet. When he returns if there be any uncleanness(sin) in us he has the right to put us away. The word fornication used in Matthew 19:9, and Matthew5:32, is speaking about the bethroal(engagement) period. I can sit here until I’m blue in the face to explain it but if you are already set in your own ways and doctrine then sadly I can’t help you. You have to search the scripture for yourself. What you are saying is incorrect. We are to hear what Jesus said about the matter, not what Moses said. Remember you cannot pick and choose what you want to follow from the law so you can feel comfortable in sin…..

        1. “Actually, and I mean no disrespect it says to either reconcile or remain unmarried.”

          I agree. That is what should be done after divorce. But if remarriage occurs, further divorce isn’t prescribed in the Bible and instead scripture tells us that going back to a first spouse after remarriage is wrong.

          “You have to search the scripture for yourself.”

          That’s how I developed this view. I’m basing it on very clear passages of scripture, which you have not yet addressed.

          “We are to hear what Jesus said about the matter, not what Moses said.”

          Jesus said it is adultery to divorce and remarry, and I agree with that completely. I haven’t said anything to the contrary. But Jesus could have meant a one-time act of adultery or on-going adultery. We have to look at the rest of scripture to determine that. The Deut. 24 and Jeremiah 3 passages are very clear that God considers it an abomination to go back to a first spouse after a remarriage. This is evidence that a second marriage breaks the first marriage, and thus that it is a one-time act of adultery, not on-going adultery, to remarry. I’m not ignoring Jesus’ statements at all. I’m refusing to read my own ideas into his words and instead using scripture to interpret scripture.

          “Remember you cannot pick and choose what you want to follow from the law so you can feel comfortable in sin…..”

          I am not doing this at all. Nor does this have anything to do with me. I am still married to my first and only husband. I am telling you what the scripture says, not trying to justify sin.

      2. I fully agree that divorce and remarriage is sin, but I think the Bible is quite clear that it is a one time act of adultery that breaks the first marriage. The Bible does literally tell us it is wrong to go back to a first spouse after remarrying. The remarriage shouldn’t have happened, but further divorce isn’t the right course of action. The Bible never tells anyone they must divorce, so we shouldn’t either.

        1. I have addressed your comments, but you failed to read it and comprehend it. You say you agree that no one should divorce and remarry but yet you contradict everything you said by following the Moses. Lastly you are justifying sin by saying you should not divorce a second a marriage, but that marriage is not honorable in the sight of God. Lastly read the book of Hosea and read the story about David and Michal. Again search the scriptures for complete understanding. To divorce someone for a act of adultery is showing the hardness of the persons heart….

    2. Submissive, I highly recommend you get the book ‘divorce and remarriage’ by Michael Pearl. Please read Lindsay Harold statement. I thoroughly agree with her.

      1. Hi anonm just because you agree with someone does not make it right..is the bible not sufficient enough where we have to look to man to get approval for what we want to do. The scripture is clear so that is enough for me and it should be enough for you too.

        1. Submissive, I have indeed looked up the passages myself. If what you were saying is true, then what about the woman at the well? If she was committing adultery and she was supposed to go back to her first husband, Jesus would of told her to do so. Yet he did not. I can make up my own mind. Lindsay just said it so much better than I could of. But once again, read Michael pearls book on the matter, then test it against scripture, then come to your own conclusion. I take to heart what Jesus said. But I believe the bible as a whole. The old law was surely done away with, but it still has some merit in the life of a believer. We just aren’t bound by it. It genuinely makes me sad to think you are condemning some one for that. I will leave my commenting at that.

          1. Smh, correction is not condemning anyone…you also have failed to read my comment but agreed with someone who believes as you did….We can make righteous judgements in love. That’s why there is so much sin in the body of Christ because no one’s corrects sin any more…

  7. Tamra, to add to your comment on never said your soul is Lost. I said that you are continuing to walk in a adulterous marriage. And why trust a pastor instead of seeking the Lord. He lives and he speaks it’s up to you to listen

    1. Submissive,

      So, what you are suggesting is that I divorce my current husband (whom I have multiple children with, and have been married to for some time) and ask my first husband to divorce his wife, (whom he has also been married 10+ years with children) so that we can reconcile? That would be more biblical than walking out the marriage that I am currently in? No. I don’t think so. Please, show me a verse that supports that.

      Please, do not assume that I just listened to a willy-nilly newbie pastor and never sought the Lord. I spent countless hours literally on my face before God seeking and pleading. What more should I have done-prayed for his new marriage to dissolve? Is that biblical? I think not. And if a Pastor is not there to give sound godly advice/teachings than why do any of us go to church to listen to a pastor? We should all just stay home to listen to the voice of God. No. We seek godly counsel/teachings.

      1. I’m not suggesting anything. All I can tell you to do is to continue to search the scripture regarding this matter. God is Holy and He wants us to be perfect before him. But as for the scripture as you asked for here they are. Ezra 10, 1 corinthians 7, the book of hosea, Matthew 19 Matthew 5. This is why John the Baptist wad beheaded because he told herod about Phillips wife and how it was unlawful to have her. (Matthew14:3-10).

        1. It would be sinful to leave my spouse and children and seek another married man praying/asking for his divorce and for him to leave his family. The sin that was committed 20 years ago was repented for and forgiven through Christs blood. To repeat that sin, causing others to sin, and destroying lives is not at all scriptural.

          Lori, is there any way Ken could weigh in on this? I would love to hear is sound advice/wisdom on this matter.

          1. I was going to ask the same thing Tamra. Lol. Their theology on this topic can be very dangerous and has destroyed many people. Even the world says two wrongs don’t make a right. Besides which, as far as I know biblically, you had every right to remarry. Particularly if your ex-husband remarried first. Even if your current spouse’s died, you still couldn’t marry him again. They are saying we can’t pick and choose, yet they are doing just that themselves. We may not be bound to adhere to Moses law, but it has many valuable lessons for us and can be used as a guideline. They would also have to dismiss Paul writings on the matter. But the biggie is, God was behind everything. No matter who said it, they only said it because God allowed them to say it. I find it just as foolish as women who argue they can teach men or be in positions of leadership or work outside the home because Deborah was a judge over Israel. And if it’s good enough for her, it’s good enough for us. Ugh! So out of context or misinterpretation it’s not funny. But if Ken can weigh in on this or write a post about it etc that would be great. But we understand he is very busy.

        2. Submissive. The verses you gave have been so taken out of context it’s not funny. Firstly, Ezra 1, the children of Israel were told not to marry foreign women. They are a holy, set apart people and to do so is an abomination. But the women they chose to marry were evil. They believed in other God’s. 1 Corinthians 7v 11 is not referring to a situation where one of the spouse’s is remarried. If I separate from my husband but don’t remarry, I am free to be reconciled to him. However if I remarry, it is a sin for me to divorce my second husband to be reconciled to my first. I would be considered an adulteress.and verse 15. If her husband chose to end the marriage and she did not. Then she needs to fight for the marriage until he remarries.then she is free to remarry herself. I won’t even go into the other passages at this point. As you have already proved that your basis for your argument is totally twisted and out of context. If you are going to try and use scripture to back up your point, please make sure it is in context. Blessings to you.

          1. First you say that “my theology” is twisted and then you “lol” like this is some fun and game situation.Secondly this has nothing to do with my theology. If you would only read the scripture then you would see what thus saith the Lord. Thirdly you can keep your blessings because of the statement you just posted was very rude and full of rebellion. You think this situation is funny and Cleary it is not. .. I gave you the scriptures now it’s up to you and everyone else on this forum to read the bible for yourselfs….smh

          2. Submissive. I was ” loling” to Tamra”s suggestion that Ken weigh in a’s i was thinking tye sam thING. Not at you. Taking scripture out of context is not funny by any means, You still have neglected to provide accurate, in context scripture to back up your claims. Therefore, I can assume that there are other areas of your life where you have taken scripture out of context as well. Which I find concerning. I was not being rude. I was pointing out parts of Scripture that proved my point. I only ask that you do the same.

          3. Submissive. In Matthew 14 3-10, John condemned Herods marriage because firstly, Herod was already Married and living with his current wife. And second, because the woman he was attempting to marry was still married to and living with her current husband. The book of Hosea talks about Hosea marrying a street woman and she does the run around on him. Which is a picture of Christ and Israel. It does not say she is married to another. She commits fornication. And if you read Matthew 5v28, then every married man is guilty of committing adultery. A married, Christian man can use some self control.but women make that ability even harder by the way they dress. My words are not full of rebellion, they are full of concern and holding you accountable to remain true to scripture by staying within context. You can’t just pull scripture out of anywhere and apply it to your life. Many Christians believe that we should still practise the sabbath day,I disagree. That command was NEVER given to Christians. It was for the Jewish people. But even today, once a Jewish person comes to know Yeshua as Messiah they are no longer required to keep the sabbath. As Christ is our sabbath rest. For a Christian to try and keep the sabbath they are trying to put themselves back under the law. Context is vital. And for me to request it is completely reasonable. If what you claim was able to be accurately backed up with scripture, you wouldn’t have a problem with coming up with in context scriptures.

  8. @lindseyharold You share a very widely and accepted view on divorce and remarriage, yet it’s one I can’t personally come to terms with scriptually and do agree with Submissive’s point.. First there’s David and Michal, he abandoned her for a very long time and she was given into a second marriage and much much later David made arrangements to get his wife back and literally had her ripped right away from her second marriage, (second husband crying behind her and all) God never condemns David for this, throughout scripture, stating “For David had done what was right in the eyes of the LORD and had not failed to keep any of the LORD’s commands all the days of his life–except in the case of Uriah the Hittite.” 1Kings 15:5 So it couldn’t be an abomination to God for a remarriage to be dissolved to restore a covenant marriage. Also, if 2 gay men were married before they turned to Christ, would Paul tell them to stay as they are? I do not believe so, even if there are children in that relashionship, most would agree that they would need to divorce and it would be hypocritical to say that only applies to gay marriages, not adulterous marriages or for that matter incesteral marriages… the repentance ought be the same, i.e. leave the sin. As for what’s said in Deuteronomy, there were many laws that we don’t follow today, such as duet. 25:5-6 about the widow being forbidden to marry outside the family if her husband dies without having a child. (She would legally have to marry her brother in law) And in Jer 3, in the same verse you are speaking of God says “yet I am still calling you back to me” despite it being “defiled” by the law at that time.

    1. Very well said Ginnie. The scripture as I states above is enough. Thank you for pointing out David and Michal .I completely forgot about that. Also the book of Hosea. We are not here to preach a message of condemnation but of repentance. ..which is a act of Love.

    2. There is no such thing as gay marriage. It isn’t a marriage for two men or two women to set up housekeeping together, so it isn’t really divorce either if they break up. So, yes, a gay couple should stop living together when they repent, but this says nothing about divorce and remarriage.

      I fully agree that divorce and remarriage is sin, but I think the Bible is quite clear that it is a one time act of adultery that breaks the first marriage. The Bible does literally tell us it is wrong to go back to a first spouse after remarrying. The remarriage shouldn’t have happened, but further divorce isn’t the right course of action. The Bible never tells anyone they must divorce, so we shouldn’t either.

    3. David did not abandon his wife. She was taken from him and married off to another man. When he was to become king of Judah, a stipulation was for him to have his wife back. Not at all the same as what we are discussing.

      1. David never returned for her, he was on the run and started a new life, and married other women during all those years apart from her until about 14 years later, I think it’s clear he abandoned Michal for all that time, her father had given her into marriage to someone else and her father legally (by man’s law) had the right to do that (since he was king and her father and David never returned for her.) As complicated as that was, by law she was now another man’s wife legally and David took her away from that marriage, pretty forcefully… which was never something God disproved of according to scripture, which was my point. Given that he walked away from her for over a decade and married other women, plus she was legally in a second marriage, I don’t think it’s such a stretch to glean from that story. Is it exact? No, but none of our marriage stories are exact, I happen to know of several marriages restored after divorce and remarriage, in those situations God convicted both spouses to return to one another, usually one at time, I do not believe we can use duet 24 to forbid such a restoration or we would also have to use deut 25 to forbid a childless widow to marry any one other than her brother in law… which is a mere several verses away from the deut. 24 passage. They beauty of this article is it encourages wives to fight for their marriage, we may all have opinions but the Lord will convict and lead a wife submitted to Him, exactly how to fight for hers, regardless of the obstacles and details.

        1. I urge you to read the full story and get a better understanding as this is not how it happened. David ran for his life because Saul hated him. He wanted him killed. Michal was married to another man because she was in love with prestige and power. That’s why she disgraced David when he danced before the Lord because she was embarrassed by him.

  9. Lol. If I haven’t gotten that written letter from my wife a dozen times only for her to turn around and continue to do the same things over and still does.

    It’s her spirit. Raised a feminist by a feminist. Now a Christian feminist. Oh everyone sees her as great, but they are California Christians.

    I would bet a million dollars the woman’s​ husband did talk gently in the beginning. I knew I did. Only to be bashed for being “mean” and there after stuffing my feelings and words.

    My advice to any of you is that your husband will believe what you do, not what you say. If that sounds harsh, you are not inclined to hear what he is saying no matter what.

    1. Hi Jeff,
      I see your point, my husband is very much a “talk is cheap” type of person. I would hesitate to get it on paper for that reason. I also understand where your wife is coming from. I would find it a very difficult promise to keep. I don’t go out of my way to argue. But if I feel my husband is being too harsh or unreasonable or makes a wrong conclusion then I try and defend myself. Which he sees as arguing. I think it’s important to express how I feel respectfully or explain ‘no, it actually didn’t happen that way’ or ‘ that child was punished for something they didn’t do’. I’m just not good at it. It frustrates me every time I try and be respectful, but it comes out wrong and then he is too cross for me to explain it came out wrong. To him I’m just trying to cover up my true feelings on a matter. Staying silent if I don’t know how to word my answer doesn’t gel with him either. It makes him more angry. So I feel like I’m constantly losing. Your wife may truly want to refrain from arguing with you, but it comes out the wrong way or she hears conflicting messages from others that confuse her. If she is anything like me she may feel terrible about it. But doesn’t know how to fix it. Frustrating for you, yes.

      1. Anonm, for the last time I have gave you the scriptures and you choose by your own twisted idea of the scripture to try to explain every scripture that I gave is out of context. What I say mean nothing, so for your own soul salvation read the whole entire bible in its context and pray and ask the Lord for revelation. I can’t reveal anything to you only the true and living God(not some false idol or a picture of a man that’s not Jesus ) can reveal the truth to you. I’m done with this conversation because you my friend will be held accountable for your false interpretation of the scripture . Your blood be upon your head….

        1. You failed to even give me the one scripture reference that Jesus himself said that seemingly supports your viewpoint. And yet I did. But you refused to search the scripture for yourself to work it out. I am not out of line in anyway to demand that if you are going to use scripture to defend a scriptural viewpoint, that you need to defend it within its proper context. To do otherwise is foolish and dangerous. Any words Jesus spoke were never in conflict with scripture, but could always be backed up or were in harmony with other scripture. I feel sorry for you that you are living by a twisted version of Scripture. And you are deceived to think that I am. My husband is a stickler for making sure I back my scriptural statements up within context and has spent many hours pouring over the scriptures himself. You won’t look up other scripture because you know you can’t prove your point within context. I have no guilt because I know I’m not wrong. And your response was quite rude. Yet I have tried to be patient and polite. I also, will close my thoughts on the subject here. As I stated above, I would love Ken’s thoughts on this. But understand if he doesn’t or is unable to.

          1. My apologies. It was Paul. Doesn’t help it was early in the morning ànd my eyes were blurry and I hadn’t put my glasses on. Oops. Lol.

      2. AnonM,
        I know this is a late comment, but might I suggest a few things for you to consider.
        You are having this ongoing problem with your husband because you still have not come to the realization as to what the Bible says about WHO you are and WHY you are here. Have you ever asked yourself the question, “Why was I created and what is my purpose on this earth?”
        The Bible says…
        You were created to be your husbands helper. Your are not your husbands equal on this earth. You need to quit acting like it. You are not his judge; you are not his Holy Spirit; and you are certainly not his boss.

        You are not in authority over your husband, he is in authority over you. You need to treat his position with reverence… because God says so. God did not give you the job of determining if your husband is being too harsh or unreasonable. God did not give you the job of judging whether the conclusion that your husband has come to is right or wrong.

        If you would quit telling your husband how to do the job that God has given him, then you will all-of-a-sudden, find yourself in ZERO arguments. And by definition, if you are arguing with your husband, YOU are sinning. You can’t be submitting to your husband in everything and arguing with him at the same time. It’s impossible. A woman who argues with her husband is a contentious woman. The Bible has plenty (bad) to say about a contentious woman. How long do you think you would keep your (outside of the home) job if you were constantly telling your boss how poor a job you thought he/she was doing? It would be measured in days. Then you would be fired because a subordinate does not get to be disrespectful, argue with the boss and tell them how to do things.

        Ladies, look at it this way. In marriage, a husband and a wife are a team. There can be only one team captain and God (the owner of the team) has assigned that role to your husband. The team captain calls the shots. You need to get on your husbands team and start being a help to him instead of being a hindrance. If you will start actually functioning as God intends for you to, you will find that your husband will not be so harsh or unreasonable toward you. Quit being his enemy and he will quit treating you like one.

        Eventually, once he sees that you are really on his team, and that you are making every effort to actually do him good, (you know the job you WERE actually created for) he will begin to trust you and He will probably be more willing to listen to what you have to say and give your counsel more weight. With more information, this might even help him to reach better conclusions. But none of this is EVER, EVER, EVER going to happen as long as you are showing him disrespect, challenging his position of authority, and arguing with him all of the time.

        A woman who does not play the role that God has given to her is creating and self-perpetuating her own problems. She is bringing the trouble upon herself. If she continues to be against her husband, and it goes on long enough, she might just find herself in the position of the woman in this post. Don’t be naive and think that it can’t happen to you because it can.

        It is soooooo much easier to repent from your sin, and get yourself in the right position now and keep your husband, than to try and get him back once he has left. What is more important to you, your pride or your God and your family?

        1. Thank you Trey for your thoughts. It’s much appreciated. My husband and I don’t argue much. Part of that is because I couldn’t be bothered with petty arguments. But once every now and then it surfaces. But we make up quickly. But I did start to fall into a pattern of being argumentative. And he was quick to point this out. I didn’t realise I came across this way, so I am trying to catch myself when I start to feel like I need to ‘defend myself’. It’s hard sometimes. But I know it’s a necessary skill. Blessings to you, I will take on board what you shared.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *