Giving Men a Voice on Being Starved for Sex

Giving Men a Voice on Being Starved for Sex

Yesterday, I received a comment on a post I wrote years ago called A Sex Starved Husband. I thought his comment would make a great post so I went to the post and began reading the comments from men regarding the lack of sex their wives are giving them. Ken is mentoring a man whose wife hasn’t given him sex for over six months. I wept as I read these heart-felt comments from them. The main reason men marry is for sex and a lot of it. If they are godly men, they probably dreamed about getting married for years before getting married and being able to sleep every night with one woman they loved above all and having frequent sex, but unfortunately, this isn’t the case for way too many men.

This is the only comment by a woman but it concerns her husband: “Lori , your timing on this post was, well, God’s. It popped up in my reader last night while my husband and I were sitting on the couch together playing Words with Friends with each other. I said, quite casually, (knowing the answer) ‘Are you a sex-starved husband?’ This opened up a conversation. My husband read the post while I was getting the kids ready for bed. When I came back into the living room, he was crying. As we talked he began to sob!

Do you know that he revealed to me that he plays so much golf in the warm months as a SUBSTITUTE for the intimacy we don’t have in our marriage? And I thought he just really liked golf. We had a long discussion. We have had this discussion many, many times. But, here of late, before last night, I had REALLY been feeling a stirring from God about my lack of intimacy in my relationships, not just my marriage. I have known that it was something that I needed to let God change in me. Always before, though, it has been out of fear or guilt But, as of late, it has been a stirring in my heart of something that I want to change FOR GOD and myself, as much as for my husband.

I am hoping, no earnestly praying, that God can change this in me. I do enjoy sex with my husband. I am just not an intimate person. I believe ‘cold-hearted bitch’ has been thrown around a few times. I don’t really know where to start, but I know that I am starting with God. I want to be the woman and wife God wants me to be. I know that discontinuing this sin in my life with benefit my husband and our marriage. Thank you for your wisdom and timely post.”

“Is it ever okay to leave someone over this? I’ve been playing the ‘good’ husband for over 20 years.  The worse it is the more I pretend – fake it until you make it stuff – the more it feels like a lie. The worst point was when I fell in love with a friend and had to cut off the friendship for the marriage.  It isn’t like we haven’t done years of therapy and it isn’t because she is mean. She just doesn’t feel like it for a million reasons, maybe the biggest feeling guilty about not being interested. In the meantime I can’t sleep. I’m so tired but at what point does personal integrity and self respect enter the picture?”

“I see mostly women commenting here. I am a man; my circumstances are because my wife has a personality disorder, which she will not acknowledge. But a few years ago, a stranger gave me a book for my wife to read. She won’t read the full book. But I made all three of my daughters read it because I believe it really captures the heart of a man and it was written by a pastor’s wife. I actually was in tears reading some of it, because I could identify with it so much. I believe every woman who intends to get married or is married should read this book. There is much godly wisdom backed by a ton of scripture for women and how their man feels and functions. The book is Created to be His Help Meet.”

“I am trapped in a sex-starved marriage. The irony of this is that my wife loves me, but doesn’t have a clue about the damage she has caused in me and our marriage for over twenty years. She thinks that she is doing well. She loves me. She cooks meals and washes my clothes. We have children, and for the most part, all is well. But the marriage and relationship could be so much better. Most of the time, I tolerate the relationship and exist in it. But I wish I could reach a state of numbness and feel nothing because the emotional hurt is real and painful.

I should be grateful for my wife, and I am for the things she does. But she keeps me starved and craving for physical intimacy. She says I am asking too much of her. She says she doesn’t like the feeling of being used. So, our physical intimacy is enjoyed three or four times every six months. Currently, we are going on two months of abstinence. We have gone abstinent for as long as a year. All I can do is ask. The answer is up to her. I am stuck having to cope with the rejection.” (He has a very long comment. You can read the rest on the post.)

“Hey, Anon. You speak for me. That is almost a carbon copy of my 22 year marriage pain. My wife is a ‘no’ wife. Best part of my life is wasted. Thanks for what you wrote. I am going to print it out.”

“It’s useless. She doesn’t have a clue about the pain. She won’t talk about it. I’m not even sure if she knows how wonderful it could be. Should have run a long long time ago. Now I’ve just given up. Whatever.”

Stop depriving your husband of the sex and intimacy he deserves and is required by God from you.

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:4, 5

79 thoughts on “Giving Men a Voice on Being Starved for Sex

  1. A woman depriving her husband of sex is just as sinful as adultery. Sexual immorality is any kind of deviation from God’s plan for sex, and that includes sex outside marriage as well as withholding in marriage.

    The Bible also refers to sex withholding in marriage as fraud. “Do not defraud one another…” The word used is a legal term meaning to cheat someone out of what belongs to them. It’s a violation of the marriage vows by refusing to give what was promised.

    It’s not a little sin to deny our husbands sex. It’s a very serious sin that is tremendously destructive to marriages. Unfortunately, the church usually says very little about it and thus many women don’t realize the depth of the pain they are causing or the breadth of the destruction in their marriages or the level of disobedience to God.

  2. There is not enough plain talk in the world theses days. Here are some plain words, spoken in love to all of you women out there.

    Too many women want to try and make this a complex issue and discuss it (ad nauseam) from every possible angle. Women have a thousand excuses for why they don’t “want” or “feel” like having sex with their husbands but when you blow away all of the smoke and smash all of the mirrors it all boils down to just… one… thing. SIN! Women withholding sex (and not just sex but intimacy) from their husbands is just another way that they are not obeying God by submitting THEMSELVES unto their own husbands in EVERYTHING and are sinfully maintaining that CONTROL for themselves.

    I will say this as plain as it is. With very, very few exceptions (rare health issues), if you are a woman who calls herself Godly and thinks she is following Jesus Christ in her life but withholding sex from your husband you are living in a delusional fantasy. You are not serving Christ but satan and Christ (if you even know Him) is severely grieved by your wretchedly SINFUL behavior. PERIOD.

    You cannot even fathom the amount and depth of damage that you are doing to your husband, your marriage, your children and consequently… yourselves. This is yet another area where women are their own worst enemy’s! If you engage in this wretchedly sinful behavior, you are heaping tons of damage and pain and suffering on yourselves and everyone you claim to love most!

    God made sex for marriage and he tells you in the Bible that you should be having it and that you should not cease from having it often except by mutual agreement and then only for a short specific time period for a specific purpose. (1 Corinthians 7:2-5) God made sex to be enjoyed by men and women equally. “Most” men are driven to it by their hormones. “Most” women must often (out of obedience) choose to do it.

    And speaking of hormones ladies, if it were not for testosterone and the sex drive that God put into men making them attracted to women for sex, I personally don’t believe that the vast majority of men would choose to have anything to do with women at all. Women are in so many ways different than men and are so confusing, emotional, irrational and so much trouble that without the sex drive, the vast majority of men would not give a woman the time of day. This is my personal opinion and might not be true.

    So in essence, the thing that so many women despise about men is the only thing that draws them to you and gets them to marry you and provide for you and protect you in the first place! Then you take it away from them and they are forced to stay married to you because of their commitment to God? SERIOUSLY!?!?! And women are constantly complaining about how men physically and emotionally abuse them?! The vast majority of women (in our society) have never experienced physical abuse and I would contend that most of the emotional abuse they have experienced is of their own making. I will assure you that every man married to a gate-keeping or refusing wife is both physically AND emotionally abused by their wives!!!

    God made sex to bring a husband and wife together in body, soul, and spirit. Among other things, it is the magnet that draws and the glue that binds your husband to you. You women want to have a close and intimate “oneness” relationship with your husband? Sex is the path that God created to draw your man to you and bind the two of you together. Your husband not only has a Physical NEED for sex (just like he needs to eat food and drink water to survive) he also has an Emotional need for it. Both of these needs were God created so if you despise them, you are despising God.

    Even if you give your husband all of the sex he wants and his physical needs are met, if you do not emotionally participate (rather just give him Duty Sex), his emotional needs are still not met and no intimacy will be created between the two of you. Women, there are no half measures here. You have to give YOURSELF COMPLETELY (physically and emotionally) to your husband for Gods blessings to be realized.

    Lots of men will just fake it and apologize when they are not even in the wrong and force themselves to do nice things like the dishes or vacuum and pretend to show kindness toward you… all in an effort to get sex because their physical need is so overwhelming but their words and actions are not real! It is just a show they are putting on to try and get you to have sex with them and in their hearts they resent it and it damages any true intimacy that might be between you! If you want their feelings and kind/thoughtful actions to be real toward you, then they require “quality” sex on a regular basis. God made it that quality sex on a regular basis ACTUALLY causes a man to feel closer to and have more loving thoughts and feelings toward his wife. It MAKES him feel more loving toward her. It MAKES him want to do things to please her and make her happy! It binds the two of you together in a oneness relationship! The lack of it, does just the opposite.

    What do I mean by “quality” sex? You must not just make your bodies “available” to your husband so they can use it to satisfy their physical needs, you must fully (mind, body, spirit) engage in the act with them. Don’t just have sex… MAKE LOVE!!! You must choose (yes it is a mental choice on your part) to become aroused and give YOURSELVES fully and completely to him with no reservation. This level of trust and commitment might take some time and effort to achieve but it is the goal you must never cease in striving for and practice-makes-perfect.

    So many women cry and lament and are depressed that they don’t have a close and intimate relationship with their husband. Why does your husband not spend much time with you. Why don’t you share in deep and meaningful conversations and share your feelings together? Why don’t you feel the love, affection and adoration coming from him? Why are you not cherished by your husband? If you find yourself asking those questions then ask yourself this one. How fully and how often do you give yourself sexually to him? This is the primary key to achieving what you so deeply desire.

    Women, as with so many things in marriage, you hold the keys!!! Obey God and do it his way and you (and your entire family) will reap His bountiful blessings. Disobey God and do it your way and it brings nothing but misery and pain.

  3. Therefore a wife should strip and spread her legs, even if she finds it boring, just to ease her husband? If she pretends to like it, as part if her dubservient, er, wifely duties, is that fraud? I’m curious, because I do that just to please my husband and to get what very few and pathetic perks I get in my imprisonment.

  4. My husband and I have a very active sex life, usually twice a day and he loves me for it. However, I am in the middle of a complicated pregnancy and the doctor has advised us no sex. I feel torn between satisfying and submitting to his needs in that area and following doctor’s orders. Whose authority trumps in that situation? My husband isn’t too concerned as the evidence that sex will make my problem worse is not that strong, so he still wants to keep at it, just slightly modified. I can’t enjoy sex now because I keep worrying what if we something happens to the baby. The wife is suppose to submit to the husband in everything, not the doctor, but I really question that when my health could be at risk.

  5. “And speaking of hormones ladies, if it were not for testosterone and the sex drive that God put into men making them attracted to women for sex, I personally don’t believe that the vast majority of men would choose to have anything to do with women at all. ” Ken and I have spoken about this and we agree. Way too many wives make their husband’s life miserable.

    “So in essence, the thing that so many women despise about men is the only thing that draws them to you and gets them to marry you and provide for you and protect you in the first place! Then you take it away from them and they are forced to stay married to you because of their commitment to God? ” So good and so true.

    Yes, sex is more than just a physical need, as you described, but an emotional need to men. I believe few women understand this and this is why they feel “used” by their husbands who want sex frequently.

    Excellent comment, Trey. I pray many women will read your comment and be challenged and convicted.

  6. Wow! What a great post!

    It’s do sad that some do not know and benefit from an intimate sex filled marriage. They are robbing themselves and their spouse of real life itself.

  7. L,

    I am sorry you find intimacy with your husband so unpleasant. Sex is meant to be mutually pleasurable and help bond husband and wife through mutual giving. Sometimes it can seem that we give and don’t get much in return, but true love keeps no score. In marriage, you are one, and thus you can’t hurt your husband without also hurting yourself.

    I have written a blog post about this topic. And maybe it will help change your mindset about sex. The fact that we have a responsibility to meet our husband’s sexual needs does not mean we should resign ourselves to going through the motions. Instead, we can work toward learning to enjoy pleasing our husbands and being intimate in this way.

    Maybe it would also help to talk to your husband about how to make sex more pleasurable and more frequent for both of you. This can include talking about what feels good to you and how he can help you get aroused and even showing him where you would like him to touch. But what isn’t a Biblical option is simply refusing to consider or meet your husband’s needs.

  8. Yes, and we do those things too, but its just not the same to him and I know he wants more and I want to give him more and feel guilt that I can’t.

  9. If the doctor says that sex would be dangerous to you or baby, you should appeal to your husband not to engage in intercourse with you until it is safe. And then work on other ways of satisfying him (hands, oral, etc) during the time that intercourse is not safe for you. If your husband insists on intercourse, which hopefully won’t be the case, then it depends on how serious the risks actually are. If there is only a very marginal risk, then it’s probably not a big deal to have sex once in awhile. If it’s a large risk, especially risk of death (e.g. embolism or stillbirth), then I think it is acceptable to refuse until that risk no longer applies as long as you are willing to do other sexual things with your husband that you can do. If you’re meeting your husband’s needs in other ways and have a good relationship, this will probably not be an issue.

  10. Thank you for this post, which reminded me why I am not married. I sometimes dream of having children of my own, but the thought of marrying and having sex stops me cold.

    If I marry, I will obey and submit to my husband, but I have never felt sexual or romantic attraction to anyone, so I do not date. I fear that if I marry, I will become the wife who gives sex just to have children and please her husband. Maybe I was born this way, maybe I was made this way by others.

    I have prayed and talked to my mother about this circumstance. While she still prays that I be married, she will accept whatever God’s will is for me. If this is the case, would it still be a good idea for me to marry?

    Matthew 19: 10 – 12 comes to mind.
    The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”

    Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

  11. Yes, Joyce, it sounds like you shouldn’t marry if you can’t stand the thought of sex since it’s a huge part of marriage, although with Christ ALL things are possible.

  12. It sounds like cruel and unusual punishment for a woman to deliberately deprive her husband in this manner. I don’t think we women really understand how important sex is to men and to our husbands. Especially if it took a while for you to marry, it seems you’d want to please your husband in this arena every chance you get! Although rarely preached on, I do have a sermon I found on this topic on my phone. You or your readers may wish to give it a listen:

  13. I think if Trey dislikes women so much (“. . .I personally don’t believe that the vast majority of men would choose to have anything to do with women at all. ), this may explain his difficulty with intimate relationships. He seems determined to blame his wife for all things. This is not a recipe for a healthy relationship.

    What do you think, Lori?

  14. Hmm, it seems to me that a lot of men are being one sided when. It comes to intimacy. I have read the man’s post you have mentioned and not once did I see him offering up prayers for his wife. There are two sides to every story and his just seems one sided. He’s talking about his wife’s sin yet he is complaining about it to everyone else instead of bringing it the Lord. There is a reason she is withholding intimacy from him. And instead of praying and fasting for his wife he complains about it. But then again if he has all these things in his heart against his wife the Lord won’t hear his prayers anyway…As the head of the household seek the Lord aND fix yourself and stop complaining about your wife and The Lord will do the rest because he is faithful. See what he is teaching in this situation….Longsuffering…Love is longsuffering as Christ is long suffering with us. Adam did it in the garden with eve and eve blamed the serpent. Men fix yourself first so you can be in a proper position to rebuke your wife for her error. The Lord is not looking at your wife’s sin but he is looking at yours. Seek him for true deliverance. That is all..

  15. I know it is tiresome to always hear this. But husbands deny us wives sex also. And I also feel starved and very very hurt. I cry myself to sleep quite often. I have done my best to please him and continue to do so and he tells me it is not my fault and that he loves me. Words just start to feel empty after a few years.

    I take care of our home, our kids and cook his meals. I never spend more than my allowance unless I discuss it first. I try to be respectful and am in fact in better shape than before our children. He just “doesn’t feel like it”.

    So wives and husbands please do not deny each other.

  16. And to add: yes, I know my husband is good man. He is a believer and he works hard every day. I am blessed and tell him so often. I just miss our intimacy.

  17. Hi Lori, next to Titus 2:4,5 and related verses I think this is the next most important topic for you to regularly encourage discussion on. Thank you for this. I do not, however, think “the main reason men marry is for sex.” It was not my reason. My main reason was because of the very recorded words of God: “It is not good for man to be alone.” This is GOD’S REASON that men marry and the only reason that He stated for creating the woman (and did He ever do an incredible job in creating her). I can do nothing about this. Nor can Ken, nor can any other man. I am sick of men taking the blame (not you Lori) for the way God created men and their desire for a woman.

    Sex is certainly the most intimate and revealing part of marriage and as it goes so goes the marriage. It is no coincidence that scripture uses sexual relationship words to express our relationship with Christ: bride, fornication, adultery, to “know,” “whore” of the world, etc. Our depth of desire and intimacy with spouse models it for our depth of desire and intimacy with Christ. Sex is the ultimate communication and communion; as it is limited so is the marriage. It is HOW husbands and wives become one. It supersedes raising kids and evangelizing and everything, for it models our love of Jesus. “Do not defraud each other” is almost anti-climactic because “They were naked and not ashamed” is the target for our fallen marriages. But those are Paul’s words and we can trust them, and there are no listed exceptions, so let’s keep His commandments and see God reward.

    I agree wholeheartedly with Trey’s comments above; he articulates well.

    I would also suggest that a wife saying no to sex comes much more often without using the word ‘no.’ While my wife of 38 years has said no fairly often, the ‘no’ has come 20x more often in that EACH AND EVERY TIME over 38 years there was some form of inhibition, reluctancy, ridicule, scoffing, resistance, “duty,” lack of interest or wholeheartedness, “let’s get this over,” …some lack of respect or desire for me. When I was younger the lack of experience and physical aspect caused me to overlook and down play this but as I got older and craved a deeper relationship the years of burden weighed heavy. And yes I have been talking to her about this for 15-20 years in both subtle and formal ways.

    At the core of the lack of sexual desire is ignorance of the importance of sex, distractions in life, and outright rebellion (material health issues excepted). Yet all these come back to the lack of heart desire for her husband.

    And this is all important because the marriage models our heart desire for Christ.

  18. Michelle,
    He didn’t say one thing about his wife but he is a man so he knows how men think and what’s important to them. I am sure he’s seen plenty of marriages where the wife is continually disrespecting her husband. I sure have! Even women who are leaders in BSF (a popular Bible Study) nag their poor husbands mercilessly and this is why God specifically calls older women to teach younger women. There is no such command to men. If you want to understand your husband better, it’s good to learn from men.

  19. Thank you, Lady Virtue. Yes, part of what older women are to teach younger women is to love their husbands and this includes a healthy sex life with them.

  20. How do you know he isn’t praying for his wife, praying, and fasting? There is no way you can make this judgement against him. He is using that post to show women how important a sexual relationship is for men and the pain he is suffering in his marriage. They are important words for women to hear.

  21. As a reader wrote to me last week, it seems few women are willing to submit their whole selves to their husbands which is a loss for both husband and wife. Thank you, Dave.

  22. This is simple but true advice. It’s just not always easy. :). Love your blog…. It is a breath of fresh air!

  23. Michelle,
    My husband has also said the same thing. And I have also heard other men say it. It has nothing to do with hating women. If a man finds no pleasure in interacting with women other than the physical side, because it brings garunteed pleasure, then women need to quite their nagging, gossipping and controlling behaviour to give him something additional to find pleasure in. No one finds joy in an unpleasant person.

  24. Im finding this area particularly difficult at the moment, while my husband is a good man generally, he says he has lost respect for me and will often call me names and be harsh and critical. When I say he is a good man, he works hard at everything he does. Is an avid reader of the bible and does a great job at teaching it and serving others, but he seems to think that his harshness is ok and that it will spur me on to become more motivated in all areas of life. Ive told him his words hurt and he tells me to get over it. So when he wants some action its difficult to believe its because he cares about me. Even though he says he does. I dont refuse him very often. And most of the time I only indirectly refuse because I fall asleep before he does. But I find it very difficult to be a cheerful participant. Nothing I do seems to gain his respect. Just criticism. Not sure how to handle this other than try to improve the areas where there is a grievance. But I dont seem to make much progress.:-(

  25. Continue to be Jesus to him; 1 Peter 3:1-6. No, he shouldn’t be harsh to you but you can’t change him. Take it to the Lord in prayer and do what He has told you to do. When he is harsh, be silent and focus on all of the good about him.

  26. Thanks Lori, he has even started saying harsh words to me infront of others. People arent sure how to take it. Im just hoping that eventually someone will confront him on it. But at the moment I just try to stay silent and do what he asks. Im too too tired to bother arguing. It doesnt get anywhere and just damages the children and relationship futher. Thankyou for the encouragement.

  27. Are you saying she should disobey her husband? I’m confused. What is your advice if he continues to request this, and is unsatisfied with other options?

  28. Wow! I feel saddened for the men who commented here that are being deprived of sex by their wives. I guess I just don’t understand this. If you love your husband how can you not want to have sex with him? Women are hurting their husbands and themselves. I feel so blessed to have my husband. God has given us both more desire for each other the longer we are together. I literally find my husband more attractive with each passing day and can’t get enough of him!
    Lori, you are right about this area being one that needs to be taught to the younger ladies. This is what I advised my niece of before she got married. I told her not to use sex as a weapon against her husband when she is mad at him or he doesn’t do what she wants and that the Bible says you are not to deny each other. She seemed surprised when I told her this because she had heard from other women, that are committing this sin, that it is ok.
    I will pray for these husbands and wives for God to heal their marriages.

  29. She never said anything about her husband asking for it and disobeying him. Men have sexually needs, yes, but in sickness, injury, difficult pregnancies like she is having, there are other creative ways to fulfill that need of her husbands’s.

  30. I said “he still wants to keep at it, just slightly modified.” By that I meant he still would love it twice a day and sometimes I say no and sometimes yes depending on how I am feeling that day. This is where I get confused too because the bible doesn’t say submit in everything except when pregnant, sick, etc. It just says everything.

  31. I, too, had a husband who was critical and harsh, both in private and in public. Having read your blog for several years, I followed the advice you gave to AnonM and ignored his verbal abuse. I tried to serve my husband as best I could and praised his good qualities at every opportunity. The result? My husband had an affair and left me for a coworker 14 years younger than us. He willingly says that I was a fantastic wife, taking care of his every need. He said that for every nice thing I did, he felt worse about all the mean things he did and that he had absolutely no respect for me because he could yell and criticize me whenever he wanted and I would just smile and continue serving him. I asked him how things would have been different if I had stood up to him. He said he still wouldn’t have changed his behavior, just that it would have been easier for him to leave me.

  32. Thank you, a thousand times thank you, Lori, for posting on this. I pray that someday soon my wife will read this and your other posts on this subject and that God will touch her heart and bring healing to our 36 years of marriage.

  33. She says, “My husband isn’t too concerned as the evidence that sex will make my problem worse is not that strong, so he still wants to keep at it,”

  34. Tammy,

    You are only accountable to the Lord for your behavior and no one else. You did what He has called you to do and have stored treasures in heaven. He saw Jesus in you but I am sorry he chose to do evil. Keep praying that he will one day repent and believe because I am sure you still care for his eternal soul.

  35. I don’t know if this is applicable to your marriage or not but there is a possibility that it might be, especially if your husband is a “command man” personality. I hope you will give it consideration.

    Often there are issues in a marriage that are much more important to the husband than they are to the wife. In fact, it might be of utmost importance to the husband and the wife just does not understand what the big deal is about it. The husband typically starts out gently trying to get his wife to do (or not do) whatever it is that is important to him. It could very well be sex and intimacy as this post is bringing to light. It could be other things like how she disciplines the kids, how much effort she puts into cooking, how she dresses, her adherence to the budget, not keeping herself physically fit, how clean she keeps their home, or any number of things. Some things a husband can compromise on, some things he cannot.

    If your husband is saying that he has lost respect for you, then there is probably something that he considers to be YOUR responsibility that you are not handling in a way that is acceptable to him. Whatever the issue is, it is something that is of critical importance to him and unless it is done in a way that satisfies him, he will not have respect for you and it will materially impact his life in a negative way. It could be something that is a conscience issue with him and he sees the way the wife is or isn’t handling it as sin. His conscience will not let him just ignore it.

    The husband often starts by talking to his wife, giving hints and suggestions, then making requests, making his thoughts and desire(s) known to her but she is either oblivious to what her husband wants or (because of how SHE feels about it) chooses to discount him and do it her way regardless. I guess in some cases she might just be contentious and rebellious and tells herself that she has the right to do it the way she wants to and that her husband will just have to get over it.

    A steady man or a visionary might let it pass (even though it damages the marriage) but a command man is just not going to be able to do that. In most cases, his conscience will not let him. He wants or believes that it must be done a certain way, and he knows that before God he is the one responsible for it all and that his wife is supposed to be being his helpmeet and submitting to him in everything. He strives for patience and continues to try different things to get his wife to comply but for whatever reason, she does not.

    Suggestions become complaints and requests become demands but eventually, (and it has most likely has taken years to reach this point) if his wife continues to contend with him and refuses to help him to accomplish life in the way that he is convinced is right, he looses respect for her. He finds it hard to love her and impossible to like her. Instead of being his helpmeet, she is a constant hindrance to him. Instead of being his best friend, she has made herself his (possibly worst) enemy.

    He will try and persevere but at some point the accumulated level of frustration and pain that this contentious wife has created in her husband becomes more than he can bear and he begins to respond to his wife (at times) in sinful ways. He might withdraw from her physically and emotionally (to try and minimize the pain). He might get angry and yell and say harsh things. The harsh things that he is saying might be absolutely truthful but he says them in a less than loving way. He is beginning to give up on his wife and his marriage. Instead of being the best thing in his life, it/she has become the worst. He has become miserable due to the exhaustion, pain and frustration of having to constantly be contending with his uncooperative wife who is continually blocking his goals.

    Wives, if you find yourself with a husband that is unhappy, complains a lot, is emotionally unavailable, physically withdrawn, or all the way to the point where he is treating you like an enemy, it might just be because of your sinful attitude, behavior and actions. You might want to consider what the Bible says about a contentious woman. Better yet, consider what it says about being your husbands submissive helpmeet. Get this part right and your marriage and the sex WILL be so much better for the both of you. Continue to get this part wrong, and nothing but more pain and despair will follow.

    If you want to figure out what the issue might be in your marriage, here is what you need to ask yourself. What is it that your husband has complained to you about the most over the years? Is there an issue that you often argue about? What issue are you just sick of hearing him talk or complain about? What ever this issue is, and no matter how petty or insignificant you might consider it to be, it is very important to your husband. If it weren’t, he wouldn’t have spent so much time and effort complaining to you about it!

    Also, if you are convicted that just in general you are more contentious than cooperative with him, that would be a great place to start also. I hope this might help some wives out there to understand their husbands and their marriages better.

  36. I can absolutely see this being married to a command man. I used to be very bothered how “harsh” Ken was with me when I wouldn’t do things the way he wanted me to, like keep up the checkbook. He didn’t ask much of me but what he did ask he expected me to follow and would be upset with me if I didn’t. I have learned to try to do what he asks to the best of my ability now but since he knows that I have a submissive heart towards him, he shows me more grace.

    I just read an article about Melanie Trump and how she handles her command husband. She seems to easily accept the way he is and doesn’t try to fight him about it because I am sure he is harsh with her at time. “You cannot change a person. Let them be. Let them be the way they are.”

  37. Trey, isnt it also possible that this woman was a wonderful wife, and her husband chose to leave anyway because of his own sinful nature? Because sometimes it is the man’s sin and disobedience that is to blame when a marriage goes wrong?
    I am asking because your words give the impression that it is always the wife, never the husband, who is the cause of marriage problems, and I’d just like clarification. Are marital problems always caused by women, and never by men?
    A simple “yes” or “no” is sufficient. Thank you ?

  38. Trey is blaming the wife for the husband’s harshness. Theres no evidence she was neglecting anything. I think he was just unkind. Sadly that is the case sometimes

  39. He is a man and knows how HE thinks. My husband would disagree with many of Trey’s blanket statements.

  40. Thank you for the question but I am sorry, a simple “yes” or “no” is not sufficient. To answer your question, yes it is possible that the husband is the main problem in the marriage. I am sure that there are many marriages where the wife is more Godly and the husband is the root cause of the marital problems. No man or woman is perfect. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. But a sinful husband does not in any way, shape or form get a wife off of the hook for obeying God’s word. God has given women a specific verse to tell them how to handle this situation. (1 Peter 3:1-2) Consider the fact the husbands are given no such verse.

    I say the things I say here so directly pointed toward women for several reasons.
    1. Because this is a Blog to teach women and I am doing my best to give women a different point of view and tie it into the truths of Gods word.

    2. It is human nature to always think it’s the other persons fault but my observation in life is that women are much worse at this than men. Men tend to take responsibility for their actions (more often than not resulting in resolutions) but women tend to blame others (and the same mistakes are often repeated over and over because they have never been acknowledged as a problem). It seems to be harder to get a woman to admit her faults.

    3. Is it husbands who are typically going around complaining about how bad their wives are? Or is it by a 50 or 100x factor, wives that are going around complaining about their horrible husbands and trying to get all of their girlfriends to sympathize and agree with them to make them feel better? I have NEVER heard a man complain about his wife to another man except in a one-on-one counseling session (and those are rare); never in a group setting. Women complaining about their husbands has reached epidemic levels both in and out of the church. Again, women seem to need much more convincing to look inward than a man does.

    3. I am an engineer by trade, trained to find the root causes of problems. I am also a very objective person by nature and what I see is that although women most often want to blame everything that is going wrong on their husbands, they are in fact, (most often) the root cause of the problems in a marriage and the reason is because they are not doing it as God commands.

    I am actually very reluctant to contribute here and try and post as little as possible and only when I think I can proved something helpful. I know that I can come across as harsh but I certainly do not hate women. I am actually showing love to all of you by being here and sharing something that you have no direct access to, a mans point of view. I am trying to share some of the knowledge that I have obtained in this life with you in the hope that your marriages might be improved. Understand that I am also telling you things that many of your husbands would never be able to tell you and even if asked directly, they might deny it because of how sensitive these issues are to them.

  41. Godly men are welcomed to comment on my blog to teach women since there is absolutely no biblical prohibition against it! I enjoy hearing men’s perspectives.

  42. I am not blaming anyone. There is no evidence because we are only hearing the wives point of view. Without the benefit of the husbands side of the story, I am limited in the advice that I can give.

    It does however strike me as illogical that a husband who is described by his wife (AnonM) as “… a good man generally, … he works hard at everything he does. Is an avid reader of the bible and does a great job at teaching it and serving others” is being harsh with his wife for absolutely no reason whatsoever. That does not make sense.

    I am just encouraging her (and any other woman in this position) to take a look at themselves. After all, she has no ability to change him, the only thing she can do is change herself, if she realizes that she has a problem. In my experience, otherwise Godly men do not tend to be harsh with anyone (especially their wives) for no reason at all.

    Also, I am not excusing his harshness and if I witnessed it I would take him aside and call him out on it.

  43. Well, it would have been sufficient because that was really what I wanted to know–but thank you for taking time to provide further explanation. I understand your intention is to be helpful by providing a man’s perspective, and didn’t mean for my question to sound like a challenge. I do think that sometimes your posts can give the impression that the man is never to blame, so I do feel better having that point clarified.

  44. Thanks Trey,
    I have found your advice and Lori’s advice quite helpful. My husband and I do get along quite well. And laugh often. But he doesn’t like the way I’ve raised the children, the way i dress ( I do ask his opinion on what he does like and try to dress that way) the way I keep the house etc etc. I think he can be a bit harsh sometimes with the kids. But so can I at times. I tend to be weaker in that area. And while he likes my cooking, tells me the meals are too complicated. (Spaghetti bolognaise too complicated??) He said he wants simple meals. Now beyond a peanut butter sandwich, I’m clueless as to how simple he wants. And he doesn’t seem to know himself when I ask. And when I do manage something simpler, he complains because its not uber healthy. ( meat and veg not healthy enough?)

  45. Thank you so much for this. I used to think I was married to Mr Steady. But this made me think that maybe, just maybe, my engineer husband is also a command man. And maybe this is our issue too. Even though he tells me all the time his “not feeling like it” is not my fault, I can totally see a few issues where he is “harsh” with me when I do not do it exactly as he wants me to. There are not many of these, but a few recurring ones. Thank you again. My husband is not really a big talker, his reply is most often “I don’t know”, as he has a hard time articulating how he feels. So thank you.

  46. Maria,
    The harshness (might) have something to do with you and how well he feels that you are cooperating (the opposite of contending) with him in your marriage. But that effecting his desire to have sex… I have some doubts about that.

    I am not a doctor, but I will try and share what I believe is true based on my study of the subject and personal experience. Regarding men and their sex drive, I have read that there can be some emotionally driven negative effects on it, but what I believe is much more common (and what I have experienced) is that a mans sex drive is driven by his hormones.

    It is my understanding that women (as a rule) can mentally choose to open up and allow themselves to become sexually aroused and their bodies (and desire) will follow. They can also mentally choose not to emotionally participate and their bodies (and desire) will (not) respond. Men (as a rule) do not have the ability to make this mental choice effecting their desire. Unfortunately, we are at the mercy of our hormones.

    I had good health and normal testosterone levels for the first 24 years of my marriage that DROVE me to have a strong desire to have sex with my wife multiple times each week. No matter how I was emotionally feeling about her or anything else at the time; I NEEDED sex. At times of extreme stress or exhaustion from working too many hours, my drive might go down slightly, but not much. If a mans drive is already on the low side, I guess that it might be possible that stress and exhaustion could cause it to disappear.

    A few years ago, because of a health issue, made worse by some medication that the doctor put me on, I experienced very low testosterone. This not only greatly reduced my drive for sex, it caused ED. Over the period of one week, almost like a light switch, I was turned off and I physically could not engage in the act, even if I wanted to. Even now, after seeing a doctor and taking different medication, because of my health and low free T, I have reduced ability and the frequency in which I am able to perform is only about once a week now. This is purely health/hormone controlled and might I add, a real BUMMER emotionally.

    As a man, experiencing ED is a terribly embarrassing and humiliating situation to find yourself in, especially at first when you don’t understand what’s going on. As men our ability to perform sexually is closely tied to our masculinity and sense of well being. Doctors say that, “Men who experience ED can suffer the effects of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and decrease in quality of life (QoL) (Feldman et al., 1994). Men who have ED are not just affected physically but emotionally as well. … Men with erectile difficulties tend to emotionally and physically withdraw from their partners.” When this first happened to me, I experienced all of these. It was ugly.

    All of this to say, it might be a health issue that is affecting your husband. ED and the libido can be affected by low T and other health problems as well and since we men HATE to go to the doctor for ANY reason and especially this one, he might need some encouragement to go and have things checked out. I encourage you to encourage your husband (in a non-combative and very loving way) to go see a doctor and have his hormones and overall health checked.

  47. Trey, thank you for the reply. And I am sorry for your situation.

    I guess I am just desperate to find fault with me so I alone could resolve our issues regarding sex. Since my husband just says that time will solve everything.

    My husband and I are both in our early thirties. We have been married for just five years (known each other for ten) and have a two-year-old daughter and one-year-old son. Our “issues” in the bedroom started right after the birth of our daughter. It was like night and day, the difference I mean. We went from mutually satisfying at least once a day sex to virtually nonexistent very rough sex. And then little by little to even less.

    My husband did not come to see the birth of our son, as part of the reason for our situation seems to have been seeing the three-day birth of our daughter. It seems to have traumatised him somehow. So I gave birth to our son with just a midwife and a doula, hoping it would help the situation. Did not. I have a very high sex drive and this lack of intimacy is really hurting me.

    I have suggested a doctor, a therapist, couples counselling and tried to please him anyway I can. He is a very good man. This area of our marriage just is not working at present.

  48. Michelle, I agree with you. By his comments Trey seems to despise women. This is one area of a biblical marriage that can be abused by husbands and he seems the type to do so.
    Sex is an integral part of a good marriage. I do not agree, however, that a man only marries a woman so he can have sex with her and have sex often. I would hope a man marries a woman because in the beginning they liked each others company. From enjoying each other’s company they become good friends that share each others dreams and hopes for the future. They spend time getting to know each other. From getting to know each other and enjoying it, intimacy will begin to grow in their relationship eventually leading to marriage and the wedding bed. If a husband wants to have a healthy sex life with their wife they will make their main goal pleasing her sexually. HE will get her aroused (if a man if a selfless lover) rather than the wife having to psychologically talk herself into enjoying sex. When a woman is married to a selfless lover their sex life will be healthy and sex will happen a lot more than if the man is a selfish lover. A woman who gets no physical pleasure from the act of sex is most likely a woman married to a man who expects the woman to pleasure him any time he wants and puts little effort into satisfying her. I do have health issues that at times interferes with the amount of times we can come together as one. Since my husband loves me for more than just sleeping together he understands that.

    However, I understand that for my marriage to be fulfilling to him I have to find other ways to be intimate. When I am feeling good we will have a full blown, blow me out of the water experience. He makes sure that I am satisfied during those times. And believe me, I don’t have to become aroused by mentally preparing myself. I become aroused because my husband takes the time to lovingly touching me in ways and in places he knows will get the show on the road. My husband loves me enough for things other than my bedroom duties that he can see if I am really feeling horrible and not even expect sex. He will just hang out with me to do other stuff we enjoy or he will let me relax and read a good book. There are times that his needs need met even when I feel bad physically. I love him enough I can tell when those times happen. I don’t want him to feel rejected so I will tell him that sex would be nice, I am more than willing to give myself to you but we need to make this one a quickie! Because of our friendship outside of the bedroom and because of the fact our marriage is more about our relationship than just our sex life I make sure he knows it is ok to be quick about sex. No, I most likely will not orgasm. No, more likely than not we won’t cuddle afterward but his need is met and he knows that even though I wasn’t there heart, body and soul neither one of us was deprived. Because my husband is a selfless lover it took a long time for him to not feel guilty if I didn’t orgasm everytime we had sex. I finally got him to realize that woman are different sexually. Men MUST orgasm everytime for them to feel satisfied. Women do not. An orgasm is wonderful, it’s certainly a tall glass of cool water on a heat filled night but I was still more than satisfied with the act. Our sex life is solid because he isn’t a selfish pig who only married me to get me into bed. He doesn’t abuse God’s word and act as though sex and sex as often as he wants it is his right.

    If someone is in a sexless marriage,(I’m speaking to a man who may be in that position) you may want to look at how you approach your wife when asking for sex. You may also sit down and really think about whether or not you are pleasing your wife sexually or if you even care if you are. There are women in the world who don’t have sex with their husbands just as a way of control. That situation is one that needs to be addressed with therapy or at least a long conversation about why she is acting that way. But there are women who do not want to have sex with their husbands because their husbands are selfish lovers who could care less whether their wife is enjoying themselves. There are women who do not want to fulfill their marital duties because their husbands treat them as maids, incubators or sex objects. If a man wants a good, healthy sex life they need to make sure they are doing their husbandly duty of being her best friend, her support system, her help mate with the children and by making sure he is doing all he can during sex to make it as enjoyable to her as he expects her to make it enjoyable to him.

  49. There is a Christian song named “Use Me.” That is what I pray to the Lord frequently, to use me, and use me up …in any fashion He so desire. He is my Lord. My focus is not to be on the world or on my needs but on Him and His desires and His instruction. Since marriage is to model this a wife is to say to her husband “use me” in any fashion he so desire, as her lord. Carnal thinking responds by saying ‘but what about this, and about that…”(including ‘but the Lord is to please me, too’). Spirit filled thinking acts on faith in His word, keeping His commands.

  50. Shelli, Seriously, I do not despise women. I wrote what I wrote in the context of this post; not to women in general, but to women who are starving their husbands for sex. Context, context, context.

    What you wrote about how a man and woman should meet and spend time together getting to know each other, enjoying each others company, growing in their relationship and then getting married, leading to the marriage bed sounds great! I would hope that everyone could have that wonderful experience. But understand that it looks much different from the man’s point of view than from the woman’s.

    Here is the point though, once the marriage happens, there should be sex and enough of it for the lower drive partner (most often the woman by God’s design) to keep the higher drive partner (most often the man by God’s design) satisfied. PERIOD. The Bible makes this very clear. (1 Corinthians 7:1-5). These verses call it his/her marital DUTY. The definition of duty is: “something that one is expected or required to do by moral or legal obligation.”

    When you say “If a husband wants to have a healthy sex life with their wife they will make their main goal pleasing her sexually.” I agree that this is certainly something a loving husband should do. In fact, it’s in his best interest to do this because much of a husbands pleasure in sex (the intimate part) is the woman’s arousal and the experience leading up to and including her orgasm.

    But when you say “and HE will get her aroused (if a man if a selfless lover)”, I have to take exception. Certainly his effort is part of the process and no one said that it wasn’t but if a woman is in contention with her husband and she does not want to get aroused, the man can sit there for hours and try to get her aroused and it most likely won’t happen. She has to cooperate in the process and at times when she might not “feel like it” it is appropriate (her duty) to “to psychologically talk herself into enjoying sex” or at least choose to willfully participate.

    You say, “When a woman is married to a selfless lover their sex life will be healthy and sex will happen a lot more than if the man is a selfish lover.” Sounds good but, millions of men would testify under oath that this statement is simply not true.

    Your statement “There are times that his needs need met even when I feel bad physically. I love him enough I can tell when those times happen. I don’t want him to feel rejected so I will tell him that sex would be nice, I am more than willing to give myself to you but we need to make this one a quickie!” Bless you for your selfless act! Bless you for being obedient to God’s word! There is nothing wrong with this as long as it only happens this way occasionally.

    You say “I finally got him to realize that woman are different sexually.” This is great, I am trying to get women to realize that men are different sexually! A noble effort on both our parts! 🙂

    You say “Our sex life is solid because he isn’t a selfish pig who only married me to get me into bed.” You are right, it’s typically not godly Christian men who marry women just to get them into bed. It is the Godless men who do not even bother to get married but do everything else under the sun to get women into bed. I would think they would be the pigs, not the Godly men who just expect that sex in marriage should be as the Bible describes.

    You say “If someone is in a sexless marriage,(I’m speaking to a man who may be in that position) you may want to look at how you approach your wife when asking for sex.” This attitude is completely against the word of God. Men should not have to jump through any hoops at all to get all the sex from their wives that they need to be satisfied. Remember the definition of DUTY above. God’s word, not mine.

    You say “There are women in the world who don’t have sex with their husbands just as a way of control. That situation is one that needs to be addressed with therapy…” This is the exact issue that I am addressing in my post. The curse put on women courtesy of Eve in the garden… Control over their man! Let me make this clear, “therapy” is not the answer to this or any other sin problem. Repenting from your sin and being obedient to God’s word is the only answer.

    You say “If a man wants a good, healthy sex life they need to make sure they are doing their husbandly duty of being her best friend, her support system, her help mate with the children and by making sure he is doing all he can during sex to make it as enjoyable to her as he expects her to make it enjoyable to him.” I agree that a husband should be doing his best to do these things showing love for his wife, but whether or not he gets all of the sex he needs should have nothing to do with it. That is what the word of God says. I can tell you that from my experience, getting all of the sex I need certainly makes me WANT to put more effort into doing those things for my wife. 🙂

  51. I would love to get a man’s perspective on what I can do to help in this area.

    I have never said no to my husband. I would like to believe that I have a good understanding of how important this is to husbands.

    My issue is that when I have tried to initiate, often times my husband will refuse, whether verbally or by just ignoring my attempts to initiate.

    When we’ve talked about frequency, he says he would love to be intimate much more often than we are now. When I’ve mentioned how I try to initiate, he tells me that my methods of initiating are not romantic. In response to my inquiry as to what would be romantic to him, all he has suggested is a candlelight dinner. I did that once, and I distinctly remember him making some comment/joke about me expecting sex now. However, a year or two later, he doesn’t even remember that I ever made that effort to please him.

    {Side note: we are currently living with my parents, so the opportunities for a private candlelight homemade dinner are practically non-existent. Also, when I do try to plan a nice dinner, he often will come home late, or tell me he isn’t hungry, or he will get upset that I’m “scheduling” his time for him.}

    It’s not like I can prepare a candlelight dinner 3, 4, or 5 times a week. Especially considering I work full-time at his request, and we have a child. It’s also not like sex can be planned every single time either. Sometimes you just get in the mood.

    I can’t tell him verbally that I want to be intimate, because that’s not romantic to him. I have tried gently caressing him, and he tells me that’s not romantic. I’ve tried leaving notes for him, or texting him, telling him that I’m thinking about him and would love that time together, and his replies are always very enthusiastic, but then something happens at work and he comes home late in an off mood (quite possibly having been drinking) and it doesn’t happen.

    When he wants intimacy, his method is to caress me. But as I said above, when I do the same, he tells me it’s not romantic.

    I am not quite sure what else to do in order to satisfy both of our desires to be intimate more often. I would truly love a male perspective on what I can do to please my husband.

  52. Hi Seeking Personal Improvement:
    I certainly can’t offer a definitive answer to your husband’s a-biblical response to your requests but since I am a man, as you requested, we will see if the Lord leads [as I’m a week late]. I’m married for 38 years this year; I’ve never once had my wife initiate sex and never once NOT had her say an outright no or in most cases some level of no via some level of resistance or embarrassment, so what you describe in you is unknown to me. I could never imagine rejecting a sexual advance except for being dead tired or pushing it in the middle of I-95. Some thoughts that may apply to your marriage:

    1) living with in-laws is problematic

    2) he has grown up in a very restrictive sex discussion background [most of the church] and does not know how to be intimate in discussing it. While I was the one to imitate, I came from a background of no discussing it and that has restricted my ability to be fully free in word and in action.

    3) you may not be intimate in discussing sex yourself

    4) he wants to do more ‘things’ and you are resistant

    5) he has unrepented sin in his past/present; tell him you don’t care, just release all [and be prepared to hear anything]

    6) he is at odds with God over something in his life; keep praying for him

    7) you are not intimate or respectful of him OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM [I see this most often in marriage so I suggest you deeply consider this]

    8) keep proceeding with initiations while considering all these thoughts; This is the only place in scripture [‘defraud not each other’] that I know of for a wife to command her husband, overriding ‘obey him in everything’ so don’t stop trying and living out the word and God’s desire in you for personal fulfilment, for his fulfillment and for God being glorified. Discretely [to others] be frisky with him in car or restaurant or ?? I highly suggest People love this or think this is scandalous. But read the comments and you can see that it is for real. I am not saying I agree with everything but it covers so much good and so well that I don’t think it should be ignored. Those that put it down tend to be bashful to talk of sex or place some man-made restrictions on sex. Tell your husband that an old guy, a preacher’s kid told you to give him this address. I suggest that worse than pornography is the restriction of sex, which the church has committed, effectively creating the porn industry.

    I swear that if husbands and wives spent more time in bed, the church would be a VASTLY better place. SPI, you may already know this but I want the world to know this. Next to no greater love than laying our life down for another comes laying our life down in bed with our spouse. God does not need us to save anyone; he does that. First and foremost He needs husband and wife in perfect union and again, I say that starts in bed …throughout the whole marriage life. It is powerful, so powerful.

    Heavenly Father, hear the heart of SPI and cradle the marriage of her and her husband in your bosom, releasing all constraints and lies into a full-flowing mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical experience. In the all-powerful name of Jesus, so be it. Come Lord Jesus, come!

  53. Boy L, you sound like a real breath of stale air! I’ll bet it’s a real blast to live under the same roof with you. I guess your marital issues are all your husband’s fault. Why don’t you take a proactive approach to the enjoyment of marital intimacy. I’m sure you took a keen interest in getting your fiancee to pop the question, pick out a ring, plan the wedding, etc, etc, etc. If you put as much enthusiasm into having a better marriage as you did getting married, maybe you see your prison as a sanctuary instead.

  54. Yeah, Trey I guess those parts of the marriage vows (forsake all others),
    (to have and too hold) are really part of God’s covenant and directions when a man and woman marry and “becoming as one.” L, if you married the man just for financial reasons you will have an unhappy and hollow future.

  55. Too many people have fallen into the “divide and conquer” intententions from the Cultural Marxism of the radical feminists’ agenda. This vile, intellectually dishonest verbal excrement from the far left never accomplishes anything but divisiveness within society, which is their primary intent. Those that practice this stupid nonsense cannot create anything; their accomplishmen’s are only destructive in nature.

  56. Beyond awesome for me. Great comments and truth shared. A blessing to know that I am not alone as a sexual intimacy starved husband. 1Corinthians 7:1-11

  57. What if your God-fearing husband claims he will seek sexual intimacy elsewhere…if we don’t have sex a minimum of 8x a week? Or when he chooses pornography when I’m asleep, because I can’t meet his needs at that moment? I then fear he’s not seeking strengthening for his lack of self-control and I don’t want to ask him to do so, as he will see it as nagging. It can be hard to negotiate or find balance with a mate who sees it their way, or the highway.

  58. With the advent of social media, husbands cannot compete for the perception of intimacy the wife is now getting by all the “touches” she reads about online whether it’s the perception of other wives getting more intimacy from their spouses – or the various precious moments that warm her heart- like funny pet pics, baby photos, birthday parties where folks appear to be having special times with their spouses or others, and of course don’t forget the warmth created by commercials inserted as real life situations throughout the online experience. How can a husband compete with that?

  59. Lori/ thx for giving a voice to sex starved men. I am one but working on it with my living wife

    Context for my post: Ephesians 5:25-33. You see, while I’m not enjoying sex nearly as much as I would like, God convicted me several years ago with these passages. We cannot possibly be the spiritual leaders of our homes if we excuse ourselves from this mandate while demanding our wives adhere to Ephesians 5:22. Placing those demands on our wives (weather for sex or whatever) without us first adhering to 5:25 and beyond is completely out of context. I’m convinced that the Lord is grieved when we point our wives to 5:22 without us digging into 5:25-33. Demanding more sex or more submission on any front while excusing ourselves from the scriptural mandate to lay our lives down for our wives is not only backwards but grevious and contrary to the character of God. I love Christ today because he first loved me. He’s the initiator of Agape love. He died for me while I was still in sin.

    So I would say this to Trey: her sin of withholding more than you and I might like doesn’t relieve you and me of the scriptural mandate of Ephesians 5:25-33. If we are the picture of Christ in the marriage relationship, we must really reflect Him.

    In Christ,

  60. In my post about men living out the mandates of Eph 525-33 was not intended to diminish the pain felt by those who are trying to be like Christ in the marriage, and are also deprived of God ordained intimacy with their wives. I do understand—


  61. Dwight, I’m replying to you because I see you have cited 1 Corinthians 7:1-11. So, if you read that passage, you know that Paul begins by saying it is not good for a man to touch a woman. In verse five and six Paul implies that sex should be abstained from during times of prayer and fasting. I wonder how many men complaining about sex starvation have been praying and fasting regularly. My guess – NONE. Paul concedes in verse 6. But he suggests that if it were up to him, we’d all be single. That way we could concern ourselves with the things of God instead of playing around with sex. Men in the west act more like muslims than Christians. Did it ever occur to these men, that GOD is trying to kill their base desires? And all this BS about how sex is such a beautiful gift. Animals have sex and enjoy it. If they didn’t, there wouldn’t any mammals on the planet. Sex isn’t a toy. It’s for procreation. Get on with growing in God. There is an eternity at stake.

  62. I am a starved husband. I am a Christian man who desires to honor God and love my wife and family as He commands. She refuses intimacy no matter what I do to try to please her and live with her in an understanding way. Realizing that God created sex to be experienced within marriage, there is no other means for this that doesn’t cause me to sin before God. I’m trying to get a grip on how to Biblically live in this reality and let go of my desire for her and be ok with it for the long term. I feel myself becoming bitter, constantly feeling rejected, detached and disappointed. I don’t want to live the rest of my life that way. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks

  63. I am sorry, JS. She is in rebellion to the Lord’s way, thus is tearing down her home and marriage with her own hands. All you can do is keep loving her and praying diligently that the Lord will get a hold of her heart and transform her into a godly, submissive wife. It’s a tough road you’re on but you’re not alone. The Lord promises to never leave nor forsake you.

  64. I know this is written in a way for us to think deeply on this matter in our mariages but i would like to say that it can work the other way as well. Since our son died 5 years ago and then my husband who has never had a high sex drive was diagnosed with a hereditary disease ( Huntingtons) there is no more sex. He says he does not feel like it nor want it. Before he was diagnosed i noticed the changes in him since the age of 35 and he is now coming up 50. I do wonder if some women have an illness which in their thinking means they love their husbands but do not want an active sex life. I know my husband loves me the best he can. He still like to have hugs. Kisses have been falling away but when he hugs me i make sure i kiss him. I have had to pray for God to remove any sexual feelings i may have.

  65. My wife has many good qualities but one of them is not a normal sex life. If I had sex twice a month, I’d think I died and “gone to heaven”. We’ve had no sex the past 15 years and sexless 29 years before that. The only time she was interested was getting pregnant with our two daughters, other than that, sex was a nuisance done out of duty.
    As a result, I’m at “peace “ with my situation. I’ve become insensitive to this sinful lifestyle realizing it will not change. God allowed a prostate operation which has lowered my sex drive which helps. Nevertheless, I enjoy living with my roommate wife, praise God anyway!

  66. I am so grateful that I am finding alot of these articles on Pintrest right now. I feel for each of these that has commented. My wife and I havent had the relationship we once had for quite a while and when we changed churches and we begin to go to Marriage Conferences and get around more Godly friends everything begin to come back. But at the beginning of this year that all changed and went away. We went from once to 3 times a week to nothing for working on 2 months now and when I mean nothing that includes the basic kiss goodbye or goodnight( sometimes a peck on cheek or top of head regardless not a I Love You type gesture). I honestly don’t bring it up to my wife anymore because the answer is always the same of bringing it up makes her not want it that much more . The feelings of defeat and not feeling good enough are definitely real and Satans temptation are most definitely real, but in my situation you cant bring that up without doing more damage. I just continue to pray that God intervenes before what he has brought together can be destroyed. Thank you for putting this out here for all of us to know we are not alone.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *