This was a comment by Trey on my post Giving Men a Voice on Being Starved for Sex.
There is not enough plain talk in the world theses days. Here are some plain words, spoken in love to all of you women out there.
Too many women want to try and make this a complex issue and discuss it (ad nauseam) from every possible angle. Women have a thousand excuses for why they don’t “want” or “feel” like having sex with their husbands but when you blow away all of the smoke and smash all of the mirrors it all boils down to just… one… thing. SIN! Women withholding sex (and not just sex but intimacy) from their husbands is just another way that they are not obeying God by submitting THEMSELVES unto their own husbands in EVERYTHING and are sinfully maintaining that CONTROL for themselves.
I will say this as plain as it is. With very, very few exceptions (rare health issues, addictions, or physically abusive situations), if you are a woman who calls herself Godly and thinks she is following Jesus Christ in her life but withholding sex from your husband you are living in a delusional fantasy. You are not serving Christ but Satan and Christ (if you even know Him) is severely grieved by your wretchedly SINFUL behavior. PERIOD.
You cannot even fathom the amount and depth of damage that you are doing to your husband, your marriage, your children and consequently… yourselves. This is yet another area where women are their own worst enemies! If you engage in this wretchedly sinful behavior, you are heaping tons of damage and pain and suffering on yourselves and everyone you claim to love most!
God made sex for marriage and he tells you in the Bible that you should be having it and that you should not cease from having it often except by mutual agreement and then only for a short specific time period for a specific purpose (1 Corinthians 7:2-5). God made sex to be enjoyed by men and women equally. “Most” men are driven to it by their hormones. “Most” women must often (out of obedience) choose to do it.
And speaking of hormones ladies, if it were not for testosterone and the sex drive that God put into men making them attracted to women for sex, I personally don’t believe that the vast majority of men would choose to have anything to do with women at all. Women are in so many ways different than men and are so confusing, emotional, irrational and so much trouble that without the sex drive, the vast majority of men would not give a woman the time of day. This is my personal opinion and might not be true.
So in essence, the thing that so many women despise about men is the only thing that draws them to you and gets them to marry you and provide for you and protect you in the first place! Then you take it away from them and they are forced to stay married to you because of their commitment to God? SERIOUSLY!?!?! And women are constantly complaining about how men physically and emotionally abuse them?! The vast majority of women (in our society) have never experienced physical abuse and I would contend that most of the emotional abuse they have experienced is of their own making. I will assure you that every man married to a gate-keeping or refusing wife is both physically AND emotionally abused by their wives!!!
God made sex to bring a husband and wife together in body, soul, and spirit. Among other things, it is the magnet that draws and the glue that binds your husband to you. You women want to have a close and intimate “oneness” relationship with your husband? Sex is the path that God created to draw your man to you and bind the two of you together. Your husband not only has a Physical NEED for sex (just like he needs to eat food and drink water to survive) he also has an Emotional need for it. Both of these needs were God created so if you despise them, you are despising God.
Even if you give your husband all of the sex he wants and his physical needs are met, if you do not emotionally participate (rather just give him Duty Sex), his emotional needs are still not met and no intimacy will be created between the two of you. Women, there are no half measures here. You have to give YOURSELF COMPLETELY (physically and emotionally) to your husband for God’s blessings to be realized.
Lots of men will just fake it and apologize when they are not even in the wrong and force themselves to do nice things like the dishes or vacuum and pretend to show kindness toward you… all in an effort to get sex because their physical need is so overwhelming but their words and actions are not real! It is just a show they are putting on to try and get you to have sex with them and in their hearts they resent it and it damages any true intimacy that might be between you! If you want their feelings and kind/thoughtful actions to be real toward you, then they require “quality” sex on a regular basis. God made it that quality sex on a regular basis ACTUALLY causes a man to feel closer to and have more loving thoughts and feelings toward his wife. It MAKES him feel more loving toward her. It MAKES him want to do things to please her and make her happy! It binds the two of you together in a oneness relationship! The lack of it does just the opposite.
What do I mean by “quality” sex? You must not just make your bodies “available” to your husband so they can use it to satisfy their physical needs, you must fully (mind, body, spirit) engage in the act with them. Don’t just have sex… MAKE LOVE!!! You must choose (yes it is a mental choice on your part) to become aroused and give YOURSELVES fully and completely to him with no reservation. This level of trust and commitment might take some time and effort to achieve but it is the goal you must never cease in striving for and practice-makes-perfect.
So many women cry and lament and are depressed that they don’t have a close and intimate relationship with their husband. Why does your husband not spend much time with you? Why don’t you share in deep and meaningful conversations and share your feelings together? Why don’t you feel the love, affection and adoration coming from him? Why are you not cherished by your husband? If you find yourself asking those questions then ask yourself this one. How fully and how often do you give yourself sexually to him? This is the primary key to achieving what you so deeply desire.
Women, as with so many things in marriage, you hold the keys!!! Obey God and do it his way and you (and your entire family) will reap His bountiful blessings. Disobey God and do it your way and it brings nothing but misery and pain.
Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:5
***UPDATE: For women who commented about having husband who don’t desire sex often, it may have to do with low testosterone and I was sent this article that may help.