Moving Away With Your Husband

Moving Away With Your Husband

If your husband was offered a great job across the country would you be willing to go with him? Chris Christie, the Governor of New Jersey, “maintained that he would have landed a top White House job if only his wife would have let him.” It reminds me of a husband of a friend of mine who was giving a speech and mentioned that he was offered a great job up in San Francisco but his wife told him if he took that job, she wasn’t going.

A month after I was born, my mom moved far away from her home, relatives, and the city she had lived in her entire life to go to California with my dad for his medical schooling. She never gave a second thought of whether or not to leave her family behind to be with her husband. My youngest daughter has done the same thing with her husband and both of my daughters-in-law with their husbands. They go where there husbands go. This is what godly wives should willingly do.

There are women in the chat room who have left their family behind to go to another state. One woman shared how nervous and frightened she was about moving, then another one shared with this woman her experience of moving away from her family.

“A year ago, my husband accepted a job in another state. It was somewhere new, where I would not know anyone and I would be leaving all my family and friends way behind. I didn’t want to go. I cried. I was scared and sad. I secretly hoped he would change his mind but he didn’t.

“Fast forward to today, I am glad he went through with it. I love being here! I didn’t think I would. I honestly cried the first two months of living here only because I wouldn’t let go of thinking about what I lost back at home. I was being pretty selfish.

“But now, I love it! I’m still new and don’t know my way around perfectly yet but I’m learning. Best of all, we have found the greatest church. The only people I know here are the people that go to this church and that’s okay. I love them so much!

“It’s strange but our lives are so much richer and blessed since we have lived here. And although I still miss family and friends that I don’t get to see but maybe once a year, I would never leave where I am. I don’t want to go back.

“I’m so thankful God made my husband the head of our home. While I was fighting God on this move, my husband was obeying Him. Had it been left to me, we would still be back in our old home state and I wouldn’t have ever met the wonderful people and the rich gospel-filled church we go to now. I’m thankful my husband listened to God and not me.

“Trust God. Read Lindsay’s article (it helped me so much) and get your mind fixed on a new adventure. Life is about change. We can never fully grow in God if we stay caught in our comfortable and happy lives. He likes to shake us out of our comfort zones. Sometimes, He will use moving to a strange place as a way to shake us and cause us to grow more like his Son.

“Moving away with your husband may be giving you an opportunity to do just that. Embrace it! Being scared is okay but don’t be selfish about what you will lose…think about what God is going to bless you with instead.”

As godly women, we go where our husbands go since we were created to be their help meet, they are the head over us, and we are called to submit to their leadership. It’s this easy. He is the provider and protector and often this means he has to go where there is work. Trust him but more importantly, trust the Lord.

Look at Sarah. God told Abraham, “Go forth from your country, and from your relatives and from your father’s house, to the land which I will show you” (Genesis 12:1) and Sarah followed. “Sarah was an intelligent and capable woman. But when she married Abraham she made a decision. She established as her mission in life the task of helping her husband fulfill God’s purposes for him. That was not weakness. It was God’s will for her life: true biblical submission.”

For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement (fear).
1 Peter 3:5, 6

53 thoughts on “Moving Away With Your Husband

  1. This is so funny that you would post this. For a couple of days now, I have been thinking about this. And there isn’t a reason, my husband hasn’t been thinking of changing jobs or anything, but I have been thinking of it. I am ashamed to say that I didn’t start my marriage off right many years ago. After we married, my husband said what if I got a job making millions and we had to move to Chicago. To which I replied that he could move to Chicago, I am staying here. This makes me so ashamed to even think about that conversation and how it must have made my husband feel. I keep thinking that maybe I need to remind him of that conversation, apologize, and let him know that thankfully I have grown and understand my role as his helpmeet much better than I did at 18 and that my home is wherever his home is. Yea, I think I need to do this today!

    And thanks again Lori for all you do! I may not comment as much as I used to, but I still read your posts daily and they almost always get me thinking.

  2. This is a great post. I would move for the sake of my husband’s occupation as well, and pray that the Lord would give me the grace to submit and adjust.

    You know, I’ve actually seen men move for the sake of their wives’ jobs. That has always seemed backwards to me.

  3. A job isn’t the only reason that a man may choose to move. A Godly wife should be willing to follow her husband anywhere for any reason.

  4. I’ve been reading some of the comments on the Facebook post. It sounds so silly to me when I read a comment that said the wife needs to be happy about it too. As a godly wife who wants her husband to lead, why would it matter if I was on board with the decision? I trust my husband and his relationship with God. If God is telling him to move our family, we need to go! I would never want to be the reason my husband didn’t follow God’s will, because my husband was concerned for my desires. As a Christ-seeking wife, I know that my joy comes from the Lord, not where I live. Of course moving away can be severely difficult, but nothing that my big God can’t help me through. I just love this post! My husband is thinking about taking a different job, it wouldn’t relocate us but it makes me uncomfortable because it’s a risk. He feels God wants him to do this and we have seen doors already being open. I know it’s a little different situation than the point of this post, but it really made me think. I trust my husband so much to lead our family, and I need to trust him with this job situation too. Thank you Lori! I’ve truly grown from your posts. You make me think about things in a completely different way and bring me back to Biblical thinking.

  5. my boyfriend always talks about moving to an island (who doesn’t, but for the sake of privacy, I wont mention which one). i told him after we get married and my daughter has graduated from high school, we can go where ever he wants. he is a medic and a nurse, so he can pretty much get a job where ever he wants. and i could as well if i needed to. i have plenty of job skills and could easily walk into a hundred places and get one.
    i’d be nervous, because i love my sisters and my nieces and nephews, but i would definitely go! i can always get in the car and go home!

  6. Hi HappyHomemaker,

    I, too, had hard regrets about how I behave in certain areas the 9 first years of our marriage, and yes, I did asked my husband to forgive me. He happily did it, and it freed my conscience, and it freed my husband, knowing now that I will do him good all the days of my life ! His heart is safe with me :). We now enjoy a mix of love, trust and freedom together. Who has that without fully obeying God ?

  7. 10 years after we marry, my husband had the desire to serve God in Mexico. When he first told me about this, I decided to follow him everywhere on the earth… (if you read my reply to HappyHomemakeri in this post, you will read that I wrongly behave the first 9 years of our marriage). So in 2010, we moved from our peaceful Quebec to Mexico, in a highly dangerous city (Torreon). That’s when God profoundly impress in my heart that He is with me everyday until the end (Matt. 28.20). And it was then that I realized that our real home is where we are together, my husband and I. It may be a house, a bedroom, an appartment, a shack… it’s where God lead us to be together. It makes it easier and more peaceful !

  8. Perhaps you can advise me on a friend’s situation. Her husband wants to move, and she’d be fine with it, except for one thing. The new job offers higher status and more opportunity, but less pay. That, combined with the cost of the move, means my friend will have to return to the workforce (she has small kids who will go to daycare).

    For this reason alone, she opposes the move. She love being at home.

  9. The reason the pay is less is because the new job is in a slightly different field, more glamorous and exciting, and the husband wants to try it out. Since it’s considered more desirable work, the company can get away with paying less, at least at the start. She does expect that in a few years, when husband gets promoted, she’d be able to return home. But for 2-5 years, she’d have to work.

  10. I have seen and heard of this too, Lady Virtue, and it is not how it’s supposed to be but we live in such a feminized culture that it’s not surprising at all.

  11. Women today are taught that their happiness is all that matters. If they are not happy, divorce. If they wouldn’t be happy if their husbands wanted to move, don’t move. They have not conception of happiness being a choice and not a situation or circumstance. It’s a lie they’ve been fed and they believe it easily because their happiness sounds a lot better than sacrifice and submission.

    Thank you, Stephanie, and yes, their are blessings when we do things God’s ways and not our own.

  12. Thanks for your reply Daniele. One of my greatest desires is that my husband knows his heart is safe with me.

  13. I was worried when we first married over 20 years ago, but not moving with my husband was not feasible. My husband is active duty military. We have moved, 6 times. We have 3 children, a big dog, and a cat. Having faith and going along have made our marriage great and very happy. Thanks for the post.

  14. This post sure hit home for me! Only days after we were married, my husband was offered a job in a foreign country. Though it wasn’t the original plan for our first year of marriage, we put most of our belongings in storage and packed only what we needed and took a 14-hour plane ride! I was a little apprehensive and of course it was an adjustment, but it was an amazing adventure that I wouldn’t trade for the world! We lived as simply as we could and saved a lot of money for a down payment on a house when we returned to the United States. Our oldest daughter was born there! We had a chance to take her and her sister back to visit and meet our friends that we are still in touch with. What if I had given in to my fears and we had stayed home? We would have missed so much fun! My husband also had the opportunity to train and advance in his field and come back with added skills that allow for better pay now. Honestly, we did miss our families. God taught us just how important family is through that experience. We have never forgotten that and while others grumble about family and in-laws, we are very grateful. As wives, we must remember our vows that we took before God at the altar. As you often say, it is so much better done God’s way!

  15. Lori,

    Where you go, I will go. Where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people will be my people. Your God will be my God.

    Twenty-two moves in nearly 36 years of marriage: wherever my good husband is, that’s home.

    I say, “Yes!” x 18.


  16. It’s a hard one but her husband is her head and leader of the family so she must follow his lead and pray to the Lord asking Him for wisdom and making a way for her to be able to be home or even make money from home. With Him ALL things are possible!

  17. It’s been a year and a half since, my husband and I moved away from our home, family, friends, work, neighbors, church and our past.
    We both had never lived more then 10 miles from where we grew up.
    At the age of 64 we started all over, with everything!
    I can honestly say, our marriage is grown and blossomed.
    I do relate to Sarah! (Genesis 12:1)

  18. Wonderful post, we moved to a mission church in Chile almost 5 months ago, and I could hardly believe all the women that told me their husbands would love to do what we did- put them- they sure wouldn’t go along!!

  19. Most husbands would fully consult their wives when it comes to big move, very few would issue the order and expect the wife to remain silent on the subject, in fact most would want their wives input into such a big committement. My husband and I made two big moves across the country and both of us had long conversations weighting up the pros and cons and we reached the same conclusions together that it was a good idea, in particular the second move that would impact most on the children’s future opportunities.

  20. I agree wholeheartedly that we must follow our husband’s lead. When I was 18, I moved to from my home and family to live with my military husband in Italy. It was a very difficult time, for not only was I living away from family for the first time, I was learning to be a wife, with all that entails.
    I learned how to cope being alone, since my husband was in the field so often.
    Without a television or phone, I honed skills that have stood me for thirty plus years, and multiple overseas relocations.
    If you asked me would I do it all again, I would say yes, as I’ve always believed that a woman’s place is at her husband’s side.

  21. This is something I would struggle with. Actually, for the first 9 years of our marriage, we lived in my husband’s hometown, but I was absolutely miserable (to the point of being suicidal). I HATED it there. The fact that I was surrounded by abusive in-laws (and that he didn’t defend me from them) made it much, much worse. I dreamed constantly of going home. I finally reached a breaking point and found a job in my own hometown, and my husband followed me here.

    How should I have handled it, instead? I am a much better wife and mother now, and we are more financially secure in this low-cost area. I stay home now, which would have never been possible in his expensive area. And I would never have been able to find God again if I were still in the depths of my misery.

    My husband, too, seems to be more genuinely happy than before. Yet I know he is homesick. And I know he feels out of place, because the two areas are drastically culturally different.

    I know it was probably wrong to drag him away. But knowing how miserable we both were, knowing that there was in-law abuse involved, and knowing that going away brought us back to God, what should I have done instead? And what should I do now? (Even though he has not mentioned realistically moving back, the very thought of it is enough to almost send me into a panic attack.)

  22. This is a great reminder! And makes the smaller things look so much easier. 🙂 Not having family on the continent, I can relate to the moving part, but the Lord has really blessed me in SO many other ways that I can’t complain! I heard an older woman I know once say, “We’re all blessed, just in different ways.” She was so right!

  23. True, Jo. I think most men want their “helper suitable” fully on board and fully convinced of what they are setting out to do. Setting out together, knowing both are in agreement, makes a couple so much stronger!

    I moved here nearly 10 years ago to follow my husband. I knew he was coming here chasing a wild dream, with no proper plan, and that it would be really, really hard. The plan got us into all sorts of difficulties and we ended up with piles of junk in the basement, another pile of junk that costs money to store, and a lot of strife.
    When things have been really bad, I’ve wondered whether I did the right thing.
    Thankfully, God blessed us with a good church -he brought us back to the church we left, at my husband’s request-, and he’s blessed us with landlords that have showed us mercy even if they are not believers.
    Did that happen because I followed my husband? I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder what may have been if we’d stayed in the other country, away from his family and their bad influence.

  24. I’m sorry to respond to this post so late. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard wives say they refuse to move with their husband. We have some friends whom we would love to move here to AZ but the wife refuses. My husband moved us here to AZ last summer after living in CA all our lives. I’m so glad we did! I confess I wasn’t into living in a rural area at first. I wanted to live in the big city! But God worked on my heart and I love living in a small rural town. Lord willing, this is where we will stay.

  25. Would you say it’s better to live closer to work with a short drive time or live close to family and friends with a 45 min or longer drive time? My husband has been doing this drive for over 9 years and our area is starting to go downhill with more and more crime. We’ve been tossing the idea of moving closer to his work but then we’d be far from family and the kids activities. It would be nice to have him home sooner and not have to leave as early in the morning. Would you say it’s easier on the husband when he’s lives closer to work? My husband doesn’t complain about his drive but I know he is worn out from it.

  26. It’s much better for a husband to live close to his work, Amy, because every minute he is on the road is a minute away from his family. My dad worked 45 minutes away and sometimes it took an hour or more to get to and from work. We hardly ever saw him.

  27. Amy,
    Please consider the following. Women tend to look at the one or two factors that effect them the most in a situation like this but a man has to take ALL of the factors into consideration when making a big decision.

    You can certainly help him by sharing your thoughts, point of view and your preferences as those should be considered, but ultimately, the best thing you could do is to allow you husband to make the decision himself without pressure from you and knowing that no matter what decision he makes, he will have your full support.

  28. This is all very nice, and I agree, how ever, I have a husband who is not following the Lord, We moved to TN almost three years ago to help my Single Mother of four Daughter who was so depressed, she is the step daughter of my husband, and it was his sugestion to move here. He has bipolar, and when things arnt going his way, he runs !!, now because of the gun laws, he wants to sell our cottage, and move again across the country. He drinks every day, and is verbally abusive because I dont feel God telling me to go. I love him, and help him with his health, and do all I can for him, but just fallowing him where ever doesnt seam to me what God would want, and My daughter, and the kids also need me, please help, TY

  29. Hi,
    Any advice for me, I could really use it…and prayer. I sought the Lord very earnestly about my future husband and when we got married I knew I had to follow him to where he chose to live because of ministry. Im VERY close with my family and this move has been so hard on me. Im 30 yrs old and it has been 1 year since marriage and moving away. I feel like my faith has been ship-wrecked. I’m very shy so making new friends at church has not gone so well. Some nights all I can do is cry. Today hearing my mom’s voice on the phone made me quickly hangup as I bursr into tears. My neice cries because she misses me. I miss my sisters so much and no one understnds why I we moved away. I feel terrible, I want to be supportive of my husband but I feel like im withering away inside, I miss my family and friends so much that, yes as extreme as it sounds, it feels unbearable 🙁 I love the Lord, but this past year my prayer life has turned into consisting of feeling so heavy-hearted and not knowing what to say. Most days I can barely muster a “God help me please.” I love my husband, he is so good to me but I can’t shake this terrible grief and I don’t want my husband to feel unloved when he seems me sorrowful at times. My health has been affected and all I want to do is run away back home. I would never do that and I will never give up and I will survive but I don’t want to do it feeling the way I feel now 🙁 Some nights and mornings I experience such tightness in my chest because I feel so overwhlemed by thinking about living here another year. What should I do? I go to a very young church where there are no older women who i can confide in and seek counsel from. Please offer some advice or please pray for me. Thank you and God bless.

  30. Hello, I want to encourage you to begin studying the word of God and even begin memorizing verses; for we are transformed by renewing our minds with truth. You need to get to where you can say what the the Apostle Paul wrote when he was locked up in a dark dungeon yet wrote, “Godliness with contentment is great gain.”

    Read Philippians 3 and 4 and 1 Peter over and over again. Get up every morning and say, “This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.” Find a good Bible-believing church close by and get involved. You need an attitude adjustment and God’s Word is your medicine that will bring healing!

  31. Hi Lynn,
    I have never actually answered anyone on a comment thread but I read and then reread your comment and I felt compelled to reach out to you. I hope this will be wise advice for your situation. While I understand that as a Christian wife you are to submit to your husband, your husband is not doing his part in treating you according to the Lord’s spousal instruction. 1 Cor 7:15 states that if the unbelieving spouse departs, let him depart. You are not under bondage to him and God has called us to peace. You also need to think of the impact his addiction and alcohol abuse and erratic lifestyle will have on your children. You must forgive your husband (that is a mandate from our Lord) and true forgiveness will bring you peace but I have learned that forgiveness may not necessarily bring reconciliation. I am not telling you specifically what to do and you need to commit yourself to daily prayer and reading of the Word but if what you state about your husband is true, my advice is that you seek a way to find peace and a more stable environment for both you and your children. Find a good church with a good support outreach and stay involved in that. You’ll need that support. Be gently honest and loving about your husband’s issues with your children. Allow them the freedom to state their experiences and to respectfully express what their father’s actions have made them feel and then begin to practice and live by forgiveness and respect towards him but, again, we are not called to be abused as wives. Learn to discern the difference between worldly anger and righteous anger. I am sure there has to be hurt associated with his actions and you probably have had to carry the burden for everyone. I highly suggest you find something that makes you smile and makes you laugh every day. Again, you are called to be a peacemaker not a peacekeeper. I am not telling you to blindly pack your bags and flee the situation but I am telling you with all truth that your identity is not rooted in your role as a wife and mother but in your role as the daughter of The Most High God. My Father in Heaven does not call us to live in abuse and while I know that word needs to be carefully considered especially in marital relationships, I truly feel from your post that you and your children are suffering abuse. Love in the Lord. Prayers for you, too.

  32. I’m engaged and moving 50 minutes from home. I’m an emotional wreck about moving. I LOVE where I live and never thought I’d leave, but here I am making plans to do just that. This post and the thread made me feel a little better about it. I don’t want to break the engagement, but I don’t want to leave home either. I know I am supposed to submit to my (soon to be) husband, and every part of me wants to. My preacher made pointed out a couple of Sundays ago that a husband who is following God will be easy to submit to. Is this REALLY true? Because I’m devastated all. the. time. It’s just hard. But I appreciate all the encouraging comments. My joy comes from the Lord. His mercies are new every morning.

  33. My husband found an oil job that he loves in North Dakota and me and our two boys live in Arizona. He wants us to move but every fiber in my being is screaming out “NOOOO”. This place he picked is very small and and men outnumber women 30 to 1! Honestly this town scares me. I don’t want my children being raised in that environment. My husband has told me after being together for over 12 years and married over 7 that he will choose his job over me again and again. I feel hurt and not cared about. I’m a Christian woman and no I don’t believe that divorce is the answer to everything but I’m so hurt, so confused.

  34. What about if your husband is struggling with addiction issues. Has not been very nice , has not been financially stable for 3 years. His wife has been the main financial substance in the home and the head of a family of 4 for about 6 years. All of a sudden he comes back from a 30 day rehab ( a blessing from God) and wants to move to another state , away from my job , my family who has been my main support system and wants to just start a new life. Try to find work and a place to live with no plan, he wants to leave me here for a year or two while he gets settled , with two kids, 3 and 6, one who has just been diagnosed with mild autism. He just wants me to sit here for two years by myself and then when he is ready, just leave Everything I know and trust him.

    I don’t believe in divorce , I am a woman of God . But wow , I don’t know what to make of this.

  35. My husband passed away. I was raised to be a Proverbs 31 wife. I’ve met a wonderful man and we’re getting married. He owns 73 acres in a different state and wants to build a log cabin there. It’s beautiful there and very secluded. It’s an hour away from anything and I’m used to getting anywhere in 20 minutes. He’s a godly man and I love him very much. I have never lived outside of my county before. My church and friends and family are all here. I have waves of excitement but then get really sad and fearful about moving. I’ve been praying constantly.

  36. I think he wants to relocate poosibly to get away from his old chains that bound him to his addiction. Perhaps he is thinking a relocation will help him get away from his old cues of desiring drugs to cope with life. Maybe he is trying to flee old friends or bad influences or on him. Perhaps he sees relocation as the best way to break old habits or old worn out relationships that are holding him down to the confines of his addictive tendencies. Perhaps he is right. Getting away from people who encourage bad habits could help him stay clean. If relocating could give him a chance to help with sobriety wouldn’t that be worth the move? Perhaps he could your help to establish the new plans to kick away old behaviours by transferring your job to somewhere else.

  37. does this mean that the husband takes on full and sole responsibility for financially providing for his wife and family. If that’s the case, a lot of women would move. However, sometimes, expectations are the wife moves for husbands career, but also has to assimilate into the new culture and have a similar (or equal) role in contributing, because in this day and age, 1 income is not enough. What do you think should happen in this scenario , Lori?

  38. My just and I have 6 children . The youngest 3 months old. He wants to move an hour away to be closer to his dad. My support system is where we live now. My mom and his mom. He does not have to for work. He is not home enough to help me the way my and his mom do. I’ve prayed. I’ve cried. We talk until we know it’s going no where. I’m willing to move 30 minutes closer. He says no. What do I do??????

  39. While not specifically addressed to marriage, it is nonetheless fitting to recall how true dedication to someone is portrayed in scripture:

    “Where you go, I will go. And your people shall be my people, and your God shall be my God.”

    Frequently condensed to it’s shorter version: “I do.”

  40. A good husband who loves the Lord is certainly much easier to submit to than an ungodly man, but that does not mean it’s always easy. We wives don’t always agree with our husbands and we sometimes have fears or different priorities or even sins that make it hard to follow our husbands. That’s why we need to obey the scriptures and submit to our husbands even when it’s hard.

  41. My wife refused to leave when I told her we had to move. We are both Christians. Long story short, I felt and still do that God’s will for us was to move, move away from her family. We or she can visit one or two times a week. Two hour trip one way, she would not even talk about it. Put her family first before God and then me. My heart is still broken nine months later. Eight years and she would not even fight for our marriage. I gave it all I had. I will get over it someday, but I know the Lord has some awesome blessings heading my way. No bitterness here.

  42. This was so good for me to read. My husband has a strong desire to move to another state & I used to (am content where am now). A transfer came up at his work & he applied & got it. He would not go if I said not, but I could not tell him not to even though I wanted to so badly – just couldn’t get words out of my mouth. We have not moved yet or put our house up for sale, but if he now refuses the transfer he will lose his job. He is a truck driver so could get another quite easily, but hate to do that to him. This post has helped, although I still hope & pray his desire will go away & won’t have to go.

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