He Wants Porn More Than He Wants Her
On my post Women Prefer Men Who Aren’t Porn Addicts, one woman shared a comment about a friend whose husband is addicted to porn and since I know this is a common problem, I thought I would share it as encouragement for those of you who don’t feel desired by their husbands because of their addiction to porn.
“A friend of mine shared how she grew up so sheltered that she didn’t know much about porn. She married a godly man, and they were both young virgins. A few months into the marriage, he had no interest in physical intimacy and when she found him watching filth, he confessed that he married her in the hope that it would fix his problem with porn, however, it had not and so they settled into an almost sexless marriage. They have children together and a blessed home, welcoming home. I would never have guessed in a million years. She’s more content and calmer than many Christians I know and even though she’s technically not an older woman by Titus 2 definition, I look up to her because of her faithful walk with the Lord.
“I once asked her why she didn’t divorce him and she said that she was thoroughly persuaded of God’s sovereignty and goodness over all of her life and that she didn’t think her marriage was an accident or mistake so she looked to God every day to help her cope joyfully. She reminded me that Jesus, unlike us, was sinless but suffered, so she doesn’t expect to live a suffering-free life either. She has taught me to appreciate the gift of my husband’s sex drive, to cherish it, and joyfully receive it rather than rolling my eyes and mumbling, ‘not again.'”
This friend of hers has eternity in her vision. She cares more about her husband’s eternal destiny than her own sexual fulfillment. Our sexual fulfillment is a blip on the scene of eternity. Eternity is forever. She must know that God is good and His plan for her is good so she trusts Him even though her marriage hasn’t turned out how she thought it would.
Dear women, every marriage has its trials and goes through suffering. The life on this earth was never meant to be easy and carefree. We grow through our trials. They cause us to be more like Christ. Many of you are married to difficult men. Read and study 1 Peter until you almost know it by heart. It will be so much comfort for you and give you inner peace and strength. Find your joy in Christ and live your life for Him. Then the things of this world and the way your husband may treat you will not effect you, since you know he is most likely lost or blinded by his sin, knows not what he does, and needs Jesus’ transforming power in His life.
If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God.
Colossians 3:1-3
***Here is how TheJoyFilledWife won her husband from his pornography addiction.
11 thoughts on “He Wants Porn More Than He Wants Her”
Amen have to keep your eyes on Christ! God can heal and change people, He is always working.
It seems to me that the wife in this marriage is doing all that could be asked of her in living a Godly life. She is fortunate to have been blessed with Children and in understanding the purpose of intimacy.
Her husband’s sin is all too common and a feature of our oversexualised and sinful culture and media. It is also perhaps the result of a lack of Godly parental (especially father) guidance from childhood onwards. Although it is surprising that a man who was committed to wait for marriage does not see the sin in self abuse and in neglect of his wife.
I am impressed with this woman’s wisdom in seeing that a life without suffering is unnatural, her dedication to supporting her husband, and her understanding that her pleasure is not more important than helping her husband through his sin. With the popularity of “hook up” culture so many woman just want what makes them happy and selfishly desire the best husband without recognizing their own sins.
I remember reading that original post and being greatly encouraged by it. Reading it again has encouraged me more.
Sometimes our men are difficult and our struggles are great but Jesus is enough. There is peace and joy in Him.
The faithfulness of this woman is beautiful to see.
Thank you for sharing this!
It’s possible he *does* see his sin but the addiction is strong. We know that God can help us overcome; but someone mired in addiction may not have strong enough faith to believe. Hopefully this woman’s graciousness and faithfulness will be able to help him.
Sad that’s the reality for some men!
This was a most powerful post and testimony. Thank you for also posting the update on the husband’s deliverance from his addiction. It seems a lifetime ago, even hard to believe it WAS my life, that I was formerly married to an addict. Their addiction is more powerful than their love for wife, family, etc. I wrongly took it personally, as I didn’t understand this at the time.
With regard today’s hook up culture, as another commenter correctly pointed out, I have shared this post and previous posts with my own daughter, who rejects that culture. She has had many challenges and very painful moments in her young life. Sharing these testimonies with her I pray will strengthen her to keep walking the straight and narrow path of God, depending on Him for each step, as she waits for His will to unfold in her own life.
I certainly admire this woman and the grace she’s been given and eternal perspective she is keeping. However, I would like to see in this article, some more explanation on if he is persisting in his disobedience and/or how she is trying to help her husband to overcome this addiction – because there is help available – if the husband will avail himself to this! I certainly hope she is not simply accepting, or passive in this situation.
I agree with you Lydia. There is help available. The husband should go to the male leaders of his church and confess his sin. He needs to be held accountable by godly men. I’m sure he could get some counseling somewhere and there are other resources to help as well. The most powerful help we have as Christians is the gospel of Jesus Christ. Also, the author described the young man as being godly. A person can be addicted and still be a saved Christian, but I’m unsure if it’s correct to describe that person as godly. Godliness should permeate all of life, not just what other people can see on the outside. This man probably has deep sin issues of lust and idolatry that he obviously needs help dealing with from a male pastor. A wife shouldn’t have to suffer alone, part of being a help meet is to help our husbands on towards godliness. And the pastor and church can have a role in restoring this marriage if the couple would take the risk of exposing the sin.
Some men become very angry if it is suggested they get help. Things can get critically ugly very, very fast, and oftentimes a wife may realize it is imprudent and dangerous for both her and the children to mention it at all. Since we are in the more vulnerable position, we run a far greater risk. When you realize that asking him to get help could result in divorce, it’s just not worth it. Too risky, especially if you grew up without Dad, the last thing you want to do to your children is have your words and actions precipitate the loss of theirs.
You really cannot win much, I’m afraid, if you are the wife in this situation. You are probably just going to have to accept the fact that your husband does not want you. Period. Your best bet is to take it one day at a time, and pray for the graces of perseverance and fidelity. The difficult thing is that on blogs such as these and others like it, wives are being admonished all the time regarding their sexual duties to their husbands……while, when the tables are turned, there is silence, or at least a tremendous amount of quiet.
It is what it is. Twenty-four hours. That’s all you have to think about. The grace is there. Just ask for it. Since I started my job at the Christian school and overcame a few hurdles that presented themselves, I have a newfound peace. I am so busy that my thoughts are always occupied with lesson plans, the students, my own children and their studies, interesting women colleagues who are teaching across the hall…..plenty of work to do, and my days are full and interesting. It gets my mind off things that I cannot change.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Don’t forget also to ask God to take your loneliness and turn it into solitude — the former is sadness, while the latter is happiness. That can happen, too. It has happened for me. There are times when I long very much for my husband, but the number of those times is diminishing. I am learning to find great contentment and joy in the solitude. It took a long time, but I’m getting there, and you can, too.
I was addicted to pornography for several years. I had no will to abandon it. It helped ruin my marriage.
I feel for this man, and his struggle with sin. It’s a lonely walk I tell you. It’s good if his pastor would counsel him, like mine did. But it won’t help to raise fingers in judgment.
I also married for the same reason this young man had. It didn’t help my ex-wife was indulging in food, and was obese, but it was my choice to sin nonetheless.
After some tragic events in my life, I realized porn was killing me, and asked the Lord to give me the will to abandon it. Over time I was able to stop watching it altogether.
It’s been a year and a half now since this.
There’s got to be the initiative from the heart. External events may help, maybe discipline in love may help, but it has to come from oneself, with the help of God, I believe.