Her Advice to a New Wife

Her Advice to a New Wife

Comments 45 comments

Written by Celina Eve

When asked by a new wife what your advice is to her, what do you say? These are the ones that come to mind after 22 yrs of marriage. What would you add?

1. Never say no to sex. It’s the glue that will bond you together through thick and thin. Even on the days where you’re not into it, put your husband’s needs above your own. You’ll be glad you did in the long run.

2. Take a humble place in your marriage and submit to your husband’s headship. Discuss things once and then then let him have the final say. Respect him. Build him up to others. Never tear him down. Be sweet towards him and hold your tongue. Pray daily for him and don’t argue with him.

3. Keep a clean and tidy home and stay on top of your housework daily. Even after little ones come, make it your habit that when you go to bed that the dishwasher is running, the floors are mopped, the counters are cleaned and the washer and dryer are running. Load your coffee maker the night before. (I have six children and four of them are under the age of six and I still do this daily. It feels wonderful to wake up to a sparkling clean home every morning!)

4. Keep a vegetable garden. Plant fruit trees if you can. Keep backups of everything in your home for your family’s needs; look and think ahead. Look well to the ways of your household.

5. Be loving and kind to your parents and in laws but don’t let them dictate anything regarding your marriage or your family. Never run to them when you have marriage troubles. Never vent to anyone about your marriage, ever.

6. Find an older godly woman who has a biblically healthy marriage and has raised a family. You’ll need a living example as a young wife yourself.

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.
18:22

45 thoughts on “Her Advice to a New Wife”

  1. Agreed. Well said. But at point no. 5 why do you suggest not to take suggestions from in-laws. I mean the mother in law is a person who can share the smallest details of the household with her daughter in law for the overall good of the family. I can understand that a daughter must not share each and everything with her mom/dad back home. But in-laws are now her family.

  4. Wow great advice especially #5. Too many times couples let family or friends micro manage their marriage. You guys are one flesh and what goes on in your household should be your own business. Yes if there is a serious issue going on bring it to the church biblically speaking but overall its your business.

  5. I liked the advice which said don’t vent to anyone about your marriage. If you are having marriage problems talk to an older godly woman who has a healthy marriage and has raised a family. I have learned that TALKING to someone who doesn’t have your best interest in mind will only tear down and destroy your family! Be wise and talk to God first.

  6. Love all the advice! Be careful not to put #3 too high on a pedestal as your husband may not be a neat fellow and may get upset if you clean or straighten his stuff up. And it may be a lot of stuff.

  7. To number 1 I would add: learn about your body so that there isn’t very many times you are “not into it.” There are Christian books that can teach you about your anatomy that you can share with your husband. Many times I find some young wives are already “over” sex because they didn’t even know what God had intended it to feel like for a woman. Yes, use it to bond with your husband, but just that can begin to feel like just a servant’s role instead of a mutual activity if you do not educate yourself.

  8. I cannot stress how important #5 is.

    That’s such great advice!

    So many relationships have ended because the woman confided in other women…even her own mother.

    – Keeping a good vibe in the house is really important. Fresh flowers make everyone happy…really!

    – I never turn the tv on without asking my husband first if it’s ok to have a little noise. A quiet house is a calm and peaceful house.

    – I also make sure to always be completely silent when he’s on the telephone.

    – I agree with the gardening, there’s something about having nature and flowers and happiness that makes everything better

    Here’s my Bad Advice but it works for me:

    – If you are angry at your husband, just yell at him fast and furiously. Painful but quick. But then drop it. Like completely move on and drop it.

    My husband has realized that I do get very angry, and I will not tolerate being controlled, bullied, or put-down. However, he also knows that 5 minutes later I’m totally cool again. I do not harbor a grudge or keep an argument going. I do not do the silent treatment. I defend myself and my boundaries when I feel it’s necessary, and then I MOVE ON.

    I do not punish my husband for anything, or at least I try not to.

  9. Yeah, your bad advice is bad advice. Seeing another woman yell at her husband is an awful site to behold. It’s complete disrespect towards him and what is it modeling to the children? It’s better to discipline yourself to not yell ever at anyone. The rest of your advice is great, Christine!

  10. i made the mistake of venting about my inlaws to my own mother early on. my mom caused even greater problems than the inlaws after that! nearly lost my marriage. we did counseling and that 3rd party advice helped dh see that his family was indeed destructive. especially when he took an objective look at the people in his own family they had destroyed. and these were supposed to be christians! long story short, we stayed committed, communicating and cut out both families from interfering any longer. we have had a civil relationship w/them since then as they backed off from us and our kids being offended that they could no longer manipulate. now 30 yrs later and happier than ever no regrets. our kids significant others actually like us as we do not meddle or impose our own opinions. thanks for writing about these things.

  11. Well congrats, Christine, that is the hands down worst advice I have ever seen a commenter give on this site.

    Nobody should be yelling at ANYONE in the household. What is that teaching your kids? That yelling at their spouse is OK?! That being yelled at is OK?! That is horrible.

    Kids need to see their parents talk things out as ADULTS. Respectfully, kindly and lovingly. If they are seeing their parents yelling at each other and disrespecting each other, that is what they will model in their own marriage. It will teach your kids to DO THAT and PUT UP with that (neither of which they should be taught).

    What the heck!

  12. Perhaps this “bad advice” could be modified to:

    If you truly disagree with something or are upset by something, tell your husband immediately, quickly, and clearly what & why and then move on. Do not harbor a grudge or bottle it up, or linger on it. The yelling part is not necessary (unless you are in physical harm and need to alert help).

  13. I was visiting a girlfriend the other day and she proceeded to Demean/Boss/Control her boyfriend with a very sharp, curt, Punishing voice that I found incredibly rude.

    She was not yelling at him. Yet it was so much worse than yelling!

    If someone talked to me like that they would definitely get the Dangerous Voice in return.

    I think people have all sorts of voices…Sneering Voices…and a Loud Voice May actually be quite benign and unharmful.

    I’m sure there are a lot of wives who manage to be quite abusive in a Very Soft Voice.

  14. I agree that a woman should NEVER yell at her husband or anyone. I came from a “non-yelling” family so I never learned to yell at anyone or anything. I kinda live by the adage, “Don’t sweat the small stuff and it’s all small stuff” so I’ve trained myself to NEVER get angry about anything and learn to let it go. (unless I see other people being deliberately cruel or mean to others…that’s more like righteous anger).

    Anyway, my husband came from a family of “yellers”…people were always yelling at each other. So he became a yeller (I get “yelled” at almost every single day of our 30 years of marriage, somedays multiple times ) but you can get used to this, and when you refuse to escalate the situation by NOT yelling back, it helps to diffuse many an argument and keeps the peace. I also learned (It took some time) that as a wife it really isn’t necessary or important to “give your opinion” on anything really. I mean that. Is it really (in the big scheme of things) important or necessary to have your opinion known?

    Maybe some husbands ask their wives for an opinion and that’s OK….but mine 100% does NOT WANT my opinion in anything and I’m also 100% OK with that. I let him lead and I just follow.

  15. But yelling at complete strangers online on a Christian blog is acceptable behavior.
    Truthfully, Jeannie, I would assume by your tone here that you’re the one with the anger problem. All caps, !, and “What the heck!” are immature responses that my teenagers wouldn’t even send in print.
    ?

  16. No husband wants a wife that is always second guessing his decisions but a godly husband should be open to hearing his wife’s opinion and they should try to make decisions together (she might have an angle he hasn’t thought about) but like the post said state it once then drop it. Follow your husband in what decision he decides. But submission looks different in every home and if it works for you guys awesome :).

  17. But what if the new wife is a working woman? I can see these working out fine for a housewife but I honestly have no time to start a garden or do housework daily. My husband is disabled so I’m strained as it is.

  18. Excellent advice!
    After 18 years in a marriage that has had some extremely difficult years I have wished so many times that I could start it all again.
    I’m married to a man who has always battled addiction so the difficulties in my marriage are likely different to others, but the advice given in this post is very good, regardless.
    Especially #1 – I think women inherently use sex as a manipulation tool and we have to consciously make the decision to not do that.

    And #5 is also very important.
    Our extended family is important – but there needs to be a literal cutting of the apron strings when we get married. Parents and siblings might be an important support network (or even a backup plan in cases of abuse etc.) but there is a line that should not be crossed because it will interfere with the marriage greatly.

  19. I’m making assumptions from your name here, but do you live in a culture where the bride moves to live with the groom’s family?
    In most western families, this does not happen. The bride and groom make their own lives, apart from their parents, and the details of their lives and households are none of the mother-in-laws business. Involving parents (or in-laws) in the details will drive a wedge between the husband and wife. I learned this the hard way.

  20. In no way am I trying to be disrespectful to any husband. If it seems as though I am you have every right to not publish my comment. But when a husband yells at his wife especially if he is a Christian husband he is failing in his protective role. No, we as Christian wives should not yell back that would not be doing our role with excellence. Just because he’s the husband doesn’t make it right to yell. If my husband yelled at me I would feel very scared and certainly not protected by him.

  21. I’ve been trying to think of a way to respond to Christine and anybody else who struggled with anger. As I’ve been there myself. So the following is my advice:
    Stop it.

    Yelling is not constructive and only damages relationships. There is never any need to yell or scream, unless you are being assaulted or abducted.

    I used to yell. I’ve had to learn various calming techniques to calm myself and others down. The Bible is correct in that a soft answer turns away wrath. But I had to learn what that looks like practically speaking. Done right, it can bless the other person. There are several techniques to self regulate emotions. Just Google it. But use discernment.
    Society is too ready just to accept anger and yelling as normal and it is not.

    You have the ability to stay calm, communicate effectively your position, and calm the other person down. I do not let my husband yell at me, and I do not yell at him. I set respectful boundaries around myself and that means shutting down a person who is yelling at me or being verbally abusive. (Calling names , making threats etc) when you’re husband starts yelling, it’s an indicator a primary emotion wasn’t met or heard. I tell my husband “I love you. And I want to hear and understand you’re side of the coin, but I can’t hear you while you are yelling. I would prefer to talk about this when you are calm.” And then readdress it when you are both calm. Empathy works great too. You should never just allow anger in you’re home. It sends a bad and potentially dangerous message to your kids. Anger and yelling is banned in my home. I suggest marriage counselling as well. As you seem to lack good communication skills with each other. And it is vital that we learn to communicate effectively. But you’re bad advice was abominable.

  22. I think my question got deleted, but seriously how do I be a supportive wife while working?

  23. Also in response to Christine’s comment. No matter how right you are about anything. As soon as you yell and demean and manipulate, you are automatically wrong. Because your attitude is wrong. You say you don’t like to be bullied or pushed etc. But ma’am YOU are the bully if you are yelling at your husband. You have a double standard. I know people who deal with sometimes violent and traumatized children and I can tell you they would say your behaviour and attempt to justify it are abominable. You need to apologize to your husband for your behaviour. And then to your children, especially you’re daughters if you have any. Then, you have some repair work to do.

  24. Would you be ok with your daughter having a similar marriage or treatment fro. Her husband? If you hear her husband yelling at her everyday what would your advice to her be? See it’s ok that this is your marriage. But this could lead to her being courted by a yeller who after marriage will become more than a yeller. This is where the cycle begins. I saw drug abuse growing up. It was allowed to slide and given a recreational spin. I tolerated recreational use in my first relationship which became violent abuse and near death experiences. You seem nonchalant. No woman nor man should be yelling in their household. It’s a poor legacy to leave children.

  26. Jeannie,

    My mom and dad always raised their voices and yelled at each other. They were so emotional, especially my mother! It made me really sad. And you know what? It made me realize what I DIDN’T want in my marriage. My marriage is peaceful because of me NOT modeling my parents’ behavior.

  27. My mother often yelled at me and my father, and I just think yelling in general is not a very productive way to deal with your own frustration. In her case, she grew up in an abusive home, so I think it was the only way she knew, but at the same time, it had a significant effect on me growing up.

    A lot of people point out it’s disrespectful to your husband, which I totally agree with, but no one mentions it’s also damaging the children. A child models that behaviour, and when my father told me, it’s not becoming of a lady to yell, it was hard for me to understand why or to find other ways to deal with my frustrations as my mother did that so often. As I grew up, I also remember getting the impression most women are just hysterical beings who cannot control their anger because my mother was like that, but that is just not the case!

    Everyone is frustrated and angry now and then, and I get that it’s really really hard to find another way to deal with things if that’s what you are used to your whole life but you would do a wonderful favour to your children, an investment in their future, if you learned how to express yourself in another way.

    I feel like some of the comments below were quite critical and unneccessarily harsh and I just don’t want you to feel like I’m judging or anything, though. My mother is a wonderful woman in every aspect despite this one flaw and I’m sure from what I’ve read in your comment you’re a great Godly wife, too! Every other advice you have is awesome and so helpful! ☺️

  28. Great advise! My favorite (and my hubby’s) is #1 – wink wink. #4 is my down fall, I don’t have a green thumb AT ALL, but, I’m going to give it a try (AGAIN!) this year – wish me luck!

  29. Appropos item 1. “Men are like microwaves, women are like crock pots” is a guaranteed laugh line at church when the topic of sex comes up.

    So let’s extend that analogy across the years. After a couple of decades that old microwave doesn’t fire up like it used to. Maybe it doesn’t work at all anymore. It’s wise to heat things up while the microwave is still in good working order.

  31. Good for you both! But this isn’t an example I would ever set for my children or allow around my children. Everyone has different standards, but yelling is totally beneath mine. To each their own!

  33. Yelling and the Difference between Anger and Neuroticism–

    By Christine 🙂
    —————————————

    I’ve given this a lot of thought and I realize there is a difference between Neuroticism and Anger.

    Anger: A good emotion triggered by injustice

    Neuroticism: Negative Emotions that overload the neural system forming a feedback loop in which the person devolves into a spluttering rage and is no longer thinking logically or coherently

    Many Men and Women are High in Neuroticism. This is often mis-construed as ‘Anger’ but it is not Anger. These people are Neurotic.

    I figured this out after reading Lori’s post ‘Angry Husbands.’ They are not angry…they are Neurotic Husbands.

    Neuroticism is a Genetic Component of One’s Personality that is Highly Heritable

    My husband’s family is Highly Neurotic. My mother’s family is Highly Neurotic.

    My husband’s brother had to see a psychologist after his neuroticism turned in a Negative Neural Feedback Loop of Obsessive Behavior after a bad breakup.

    Depending on how Neurotic your husband/wife/family member is will determine the correct course of action.

    For Example…My husband can be ‘shocked’ out of his neurotic breakdowns. Consider the following movie scene….cowboys are in a bar, and one cowboy starts to lose it emotionally, and the other cowboy slams something down on the table. Then the cowboy is like ‘Oh my goodness, I just need to calm down and breathe!’

    Other Neurotic People…this will not work…and when they are in A Negative Feedback Loop…the best thing is to Step Away and let their neural system work through the flood of Adrenaline….That would be KAR’s husband above. Her husband is actually undergoing a physical breakdown of hormones flooding his system and negative emotions. It’s not an outward emotion geared to KAR. Hence, why he has a loving wife.

    ——

    Christians need to realize that Anger is a Healthy Emotion. Anger is how you respond to Injustice or Mistreatment. Anger is not something to shirk away from. If you are in the right, defending yourself is Fine.

    Neuroticism is something to be overcome and worked on.

    I will, if the situation is appropriate, respond to mistreatment or injustice By Righteous Anger to Defend myself and Draw a Line in the Sand alerting the other individual that what they are doing is inappropriate.

    An Angry Person is not an Out of Control Person. A neurotic person is Out of Control.

  36. I think the Bible is referring to Neuroticism

    Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a [[hasty temper]] exalts folly.

    It doesn’t say for one to never feel anger. It just says Quick Anger is very bad and the sign of a fool.

    All of the quotes talk about Fast Anger…not a righteous indignation Anger.

  37. Agree, Christine. The same women who criticized you may give the silent treatment, withhold sex, or vent to others about their husbands and feel their abysmal treatment is somehow justified since they didn’t “yell”.
    I appreciate you taking the time to explain the difference between anger and neuroticism. I’m going to look into this further. I respect education in mental and social health as we are complex people created by the supremely intelligent God.
    Online communication is so prevalent these days and the yelling I see in print also goes against the counsel of James 1:20 and is disappointing that professed Christ-followers would pepper their “speech” with all caps and exclamation points. So many times, I shake my head and wonder if these angry, sarcastic, or condescending Christians are doing damage to the Kingdom and believe they’re “helping”. Our Savior’s anger in the Gospels was directed to the “religious”, not the lost.
    We are all in the process of sanctification, and should strive for effective conflict resolution techniques in all relationships. An important distinction is the necessity to effectively communicate with family, those we’re responsible to and strangers.
    Online communication is strictly optional, and if it’s not advancing the Kingdom but hindering non-believers due to a lack of love in the Gospel message or anger (which is hypocritical), then what’s the point?

  38. Wodenwife,
    Remember this is just one woman’s advice. Though most of her advice is biblical, it is not a command that you keep a garden and all that. My husband hates vegetables, he only eats meat and potatoes so a garden for us is a waste of my time and his hard earned money.Every marriage situation is different, what works for one won’t work for another. Don’t feel like you have to fit the mold of the wife next door so to speak. Ask your husband what you can do to make him feel honored.

  39. Ana, several of us mentioned it was bad for the kids.i don’t know how you missed it.

  40. I agree yelling in the household creates a poor environment for children and is not conducive to healthy emotional growth. However, by the grace of God, and because all things are possible with Him, I chose to not chase dysfunction and always remembered I wanted a marriage that was the complete opposite of my parents. As poor of an example I had of a marriage, I am grateful that my parents never divorced and I know I am loved. I choose to look positively that their poor behavior modeled exactly what I didn’t want and vetted my husband thoroughly and I have never been needlessly emotional.

  41. No1 . I thought this over and have a problem with the words “it’s the glue that will bond you together..”
    I don’t see the evidence for this. I know many here will disagree and I believe God’s word when we are told not to defraud one another in marriage. But, I don’t agree that it will keep you together. If it were true, then we wouldn’t have infidelity in marriage. Also, I think of my spouse who, before we were married, had a few partners. The sex didn’t keep him “glued” to them.
    I think it is a good thing to try to keep each other satisfied, but God and our healthy fear of Him and His word would, I think, keep couples together more.

  42. Sorry Christine. But I still disagree. You can still learn how to express yourself in healthy ways. As I said, I know people who work with violent and traumatized kids. In one situation she had an angry child who had come from an extremely violent home run at her with a knife. And she was able to calm herself and the child. I think you are referring to someone who has ‘flipped their lid’ letting them have an angry outburst infront of the kids is still completely unacceptable and damaging. It would be more beneficial to walk it off.

    You are right however that counselling still needs to happen for some.
    However I will also point out that if you are out of control, then you waited waaay too long to address the issue and the primary emotion before they got angry. And by whose standard are you going by when you say it’s over an injustice?

    It seems all you are doing is trying to justify sinful behaviour. I’m not buying it. If there was any diagnosed neurological disorder I’d understand. (Executive function disorders or damage to the prefrontal cortex)
    But that’s not mentioned here. I would strongly advise that’s checked out.
    When I am angry it’s more effective to whisper to my children than yell. Some children suffer trauma by seeing their parents yelling and it produces angry, sometimes violent, frightened, emotionally damaged kids.
    Please seek help.

  43. I would add: Know your role as a wife and do it with excellence. That role being: helpmeet, encourager and nurturer. Also, know what the husband’s role is and pray that he does his role with excellence. The husband’s role being: Provider, protector and spiritual leader. Remember that both roles are important, one is not better than the other. Both are crucial for a successful marriage.

  45. My husband has always yelled at me. Early on it scared the living daylights out of me. I told him it scared me and made me afraid of him and made me want to get away from him. It didn’t change anything. When I told him this, he said I was trying to change him.

    Sooo…..not a lot you can do in that case. You just have to deal with it. There’s only one thing for it….learn. You may want things different, but they’re not going to be different. It was the first step in many steps of acceptance. Things are what they are. If your husband doesn’t want you, you just have to deal with it. God always has a plan.

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