Her Husband Doesn’t Want a Stay-at-Home Wife
Her baby is ten months old. She gets a year paid maternity leave but since being home with her baby, she no longer has any desire to go back to work. Her husband doesn’t understand that she actually prefers being a mother to her baby rather than having a career.
“We met when we worked at the same company many years ago, and one of the things I was most attracted to was her ambition and tenacity. It’s really surprising to hear that her career isn’t that important to her anymore….Honestly, I don’t want her to quit her job. She earns about the same as I do, and while we could make ends meet on my income alone, it would impact our ability to save, and we’d need to give up one of our cars and cut way back on ‘extras’ that make life more enjoyable. I also just … don’t want a stay-at-home wife. I really admired my wife for her work ethic, and I want her to set a good example for our daughter, too. Seeing her give up like this is really disappointing.
“I gently asked her if she thought her change in attitude could be related to a possible mental health issue or postpartum depression, but she didn’t take that well. She says she only cares about our daughter and that’s where all her energy needs to go right now, and that if I love her, I will let her do this. I do love my wife, and I’m not interested in divorce, but I’m seeing a whole new side of her that I just don’t like or admire. What should I do?” (From this article)
Unfortunately, this isn’t uncommon. Men have been steeped in the feminist doctrine their entire lives too. They see having a career wife and all of the stuff they can have as far greater worth than having their wives mother their own children. He admits they could make it on his income, but it would be a sacrifice, something that is foreign in today’s culture. Even the poorest in our country have the latest cell phones and technology. Few want to sacrifice for the greater good anymore, and our country is crumbling.
He relates her desire to be home with their child as a possible mental disorder. This is how far we, as a culture, have drifted from what is best for children. He desires stuff over what’s best for his own child. Anyone with any common sense at all would easily understand that no one can replace the love and time of a mother in a child’s life. Children need and want their mothers.
He also acts as if she has no work ethic, since she wants to be home with her child. Most mothers will admit, if they’re being truthful, that it’s easier to spend the day at a career rather than being home full time with one’s children. His wife wants to continue to work hard investing her life into her children, however. WHAT can be more important than this?
So he may consider divorce since this is a “whole new side of her” that he doesn’t like nor admire? As Dr. Laura frequently said on her radio program many years ago, “Why have a child if the mother isn’t going to be home to raise him/her?” Sadly, this it the tale of many families these days. Mothers want day care and public schools to raise their children rather than themselves which has led to chaos in our country.
Young women, discuss this important topic BEFORE marriage. Make sure the man you marry wants to have children and wants you to be the one home raising your children. If you married without discussing this and your husband isn’t in agreement, give it to the Lord daily in prayer. He is the one who can convict and change your husband’s mind.
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
1 Peter 3:1, 2
36 thoughts on “Her Husband Doesn’t Want a Stay-at-Home Wife”
Why do people spend hours and hours picking out wedding colors and venues but never bother to discuss the actual marriage? My husband and I discussed everything on our second date: how many children, would I stay home, would the bank accounts be joint or separate, etc. Mom staying at home was non-negotiable for both of us, if he had wanted me to return to work (I was a software developer making more money than him) it would have been a deal breaker. If I had wanted to go back to work after children were born, he would have walked away. The page you are on matters, and it needs to be the SAME page. If this man divorces his wife, she will certainly have to go back to work. If he doesn’t, there is going to simmering resentment that will likely lead to an affair at worst and a horrible marriage at best. Everyone is losing here.
I was in this situation and I just prayed so hard while on my 3 month unpaid maternity leave that God would show my husband the way he should go. On his way home on a business trip, a man about 20 years older than my husband sat next to him in a plane. They hit to talking and the stranger said he had those same thoughts but his wife stayed home with their kids and he has thought it was the greatest blessing and the best choice. My husband became convicted from that conversation and we’ve lived happily ever after. God is the ultimate fixer, deliverer and healer. I pray any couple struggling with this just pray like you’ve never prayed before because lifestyle choices and raising your own children are so important!
I had a friend wisely tell me when I was buying a bed for my upcoming wedding to never buy a king sized bed. This is not to knock those who have them; please listen to her reasoning and adjust accordingly. She was divorced and she honestly believed that the divorce from her first husband (she currently had a good second marriage) had something to do with the size of the bed. They stopped cuddling was her explanation.
My husband and I took that seriously and went all the way with it. When we had children we sat, as a couple, between them in church in order to separate the littles, but never allowed them to separate us. (Occasional circumstances with toddlers excepted to this rule.)
Our bedroom was ours, not theirs, etc.
If I was counseling this woman from the article, I would encourage her to put her husband first, not their child.
Clean the house more, put the baby to bed early and meet him at the door in lingerie, learn to be a gourmet cook, etc.
In other words, her desire to be a stay at home wife must trump her desire to be a stay at home mother or he may learn to resent their child/ren. How often have I seen children being put ahead of daddy, and how detrimental this is for a marriage!
Before my husband and I had children, we made a firm decision for me not to work until the children went to school. Of course, things change! We were lucky enough to be able to buy our first (and only) very modest house. We also decided that it had to be affordable on one income. We are considered low income earners where we live. We got social security payments for both children, and myself. It turned out I couldn’t go back to work due to circumstances out of my control. Having a disabled child tends to do that! Did we struggle? Absolutely. One time we needed help from a charity to afford the very basics of formula. I was so embarrassed. We have never had a lot of stuff. I made sure that the children had good quality clothes- they last longer. Charity shops were great! We had to figure in school uniform, shoes and excursions. They got toys. Somehow, and it still puzzles me, it worked! And now? They are grown up! My son married, and in a good job. My daughter still at home (she has her own pension). And we still manage on one income! (Though I get a carers pension).
Proves that women aren’t the only ones capable of blasphemy against God’s word.
It’s not the baby that’s the problem with this guy. It’s that he cared more about money and a lifestyle that more focus on wants than needs that he believes requires two incomes.
I agree with both Michaela and Faith. When my now husband called for our first date I said, “If you aren’t looking for an at-home wife to be the mother of your children, there is no reason for us to go out.” We also touched on the deal-breaker topics within the first two weeks of meeting, and by the time we were engaged we had discussed important things in detail. Of course people change and grow, and we learn new things and may change our minds in accordance, but the foundation needs to be the same.
However, like Faith says, prayer really does work miracles in people’s hearts.
This man’s attitude makes me sick, but too many women also don’t realize before a baby is born how much it will hurt to leave them every day. It comes as a shock to them, which is so sad that they had believed the feminist lies.
I’m hoping that the wife will be able to be more attentive to her husband and bless him by remaining at home, and that he will see that their lives have improved. If they are Christians, his attitude is even more troubling. Pray for them!
I think some men are worried that a wife who is a SAHM will not “earn her keep.” That is a lack of understanding and lack of trust. Lack of understanding because he does not see the many ways a SAHM can contribute. Lack of trust because he is afraid she will “slack off” and be lazy. The wife shares the blame if her husband does not understand what she can contribute and does not trust her to share the load.
Oh brother, talk about catch 22! If she walks away from her career, she’ll lose her edge – and possibly her marriage. If she remains in the workforce, she’ll be dumping alot of her pay into an industry that pays their workers next to nothing. During those important staff meetings, will be the question in the back of her mind, will she get that call from daycare to come right away and pick up her child – who had sneezed. Five days a week, she’ll be running back and forth between work and daycare. By day’s end she’ll make another stop for takeout – more money dumped into the swill-industry that pays their workers about ziltch! Hopefully, she earns enough to hire (another underpaid) someone to come in once a week to vacuum the floors and wipe down the kitchen and bathroom.
The woman did agree with her husband, but changed her mind. I think his attitude toward SAHMs is repellent, but she doesn’t get to unilaterally decide she’s going to stay home. I hope they can work this out with no bitterness on either side.
I think many young men these days think a stay at home wife is just being lazy.
She married a male feminist.
It is all about priorities. Sure, I would have liked to have some extra material stuff during my life, but God always ensured we had what we needed. As far as which is easier all depends on the support of the husband, the temperament of the children, and the stage of life. I have worked two jobs until just a few years ago to allow my wife to stay home. Our youngest is now a young adult. I would argue that there have been many years where staying home was easier for her. However, that really isn’t the point. She didn’t stay home for her, she stayed home for our children. She was able to pour Christ into their lives by reading Bible stories, talking about scripture, and encouraging them in their walk with Jesus. I had limited time to do this, such as reading a children’s Bible story at bed time when they were younger. I believe if more parents put their family as the third priority (God, marriage, then family), more mothers would stay home with their children.
I agree completely!
This is so sad!
Sad times we live in. Hope men out there wake up and see the beauty of God design.
Amen!
I agree I find it amazing that people don’t discuss the fundamental and obvious life choices which come with marriage.
Like you, my staying at home as a wife and mother was non-negotiable for both of us.
I am thankful that my husband was always in agreement with me staying home with our children (whom we ended up homeschooling). Now that our nest is empty, he STILL enjoys me being home and putting my all into making a warm, loving, peaceful home.
I think men sometimes do not understand how strong God has made women’s desire to have children. Ten months since her first was born is perfect timing for her fertility to be returning. I remember when my period came back after our first, I was just about climbing the walls with need for my husband around ovulation. They call it baby crazy for a reason.
It sounds like the wife in the quoted article made the mistake of presenting her husband with an all-or-nothing proposal. Here are three things that she might have done differently: 1. She might have approached him with a list of ways that they would be able to save money with her at home. No daycare costs, no commuting costs, saving money on new clothing and dry-cleaning, perhaps a willingness to give up or reduce costly personal care items such as hair care, mani/pedi, massages, etc., probably less eating out and take-out and much more. 2. she could have explored part time work from home options, even if it meant having a sitter come into her home for a few hours a day. Right now, and probably ongoing, there will be significantly more opportunities for people to work from home. 3. not treating her decision as a decided fact, but at least talking with her husband earlier to see if they could work something out that they both could live with. I can understand him not appreciating his spouse making a unilateral decision of this magnitude. They have both now staked out their territory and no matter how it turns out, one of them is going to be resentful, which may have been avoidable.
I completely agree that many women are truly surprised to discover they want to stay at home with their babies. But then debt and a lifestyle based on two incomes forces them back to work anyway.
What a wonderful testimony! Love hearing stories like this. God is faithful and longs for us to trust in Him even when (and perhaps especially when) things seem dire. Thank you for sharing – I hope this will bring hope to others in similar situations!
Breastfeeding my delay it but of course – God designed us as wives and mothers. It it is natural and Godly for a fertile wife to desire her husband and to want to make babies.
The extraordinary thing is that we are here having to justify that fact !
Any guy who wants money more than a wife staying at home making babies and making supper is probably a closeted pervert.
I think 18 months to two years apart between births is just about perfect!
Dear H E, king sized beds are a pain in the neck, they take up too much space, and the sheets do the same in the washer. When my husband was alive, we slept on one half of it. He was tall and so wanted the length.
Sadly, that is true Jenifer, I have heard both men and women say this kind of thing or say that a SAHM/SAHW is a kept woman. I remember that doing the rounds when I was a young Wife and Mama and then they would laugh it off in the end. I invited some to spend a day with me – that worked really well. People started to stop saying it. When my precious Hubby heard people say that kind of thing he used to tell them how hard I worked and that as far as he was concerned I put in a good days work and just as much as him – I am so grateful to God for his attitude.
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Great comment. The scenario is a typical post-modern marriage. One spouse putting a decision on the table and becoming irate when the other is trying to make sense of it (the mental health jibe is inappropriate but he is clearly trying to understand her and in his own feminist mindset can’t). The wife needs to be accountable for having changed her mind and also accountable for SHOWING her husband that this is a positive change. It’s sad but someone is going to resent the outcome and therefore a painful seed has been planted. Couples don’t really know how to communicate with each other anymore. They are steeped in the individualism they have absorbed from society and it is sad.
What do you say to a husband that refers to a mother staying at home to take care of 4 children( with one on the way) as looking as an “excuse” and saying that we are not living in “those days” anymore! It’s tough when feminism persuades biblical men to believe it’s not something to be grateful for and that kids, home& meals are all being taken care of! I pray daily that his eyes are opened, the Bible is so very clear about this topic and Gods Word is the same yesterday, today and forever!
I would ask him so you believe that money and more stuff are more important than raising the next generation?
Exactly Patti! Just because the kids are grown up doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be at home where we belong taking care of our husbands and homes. And if we have some free time during the day to relax….so what!!!!
My parents had four of us. Mom also had to work full time. No wonder she was usually tired and grouchy. While us kids helped somewhat with housework, mom never had the time nor energy to teach us things. Needless to say, the house was more cluttery than cozy – because mom didn’t have the time nor energy…
THIS!!! A LOT of people, even on here, are going to hate you for speaking very important truth. The order of God for the married woman is her Husband then her house. Similarly to the husband it’s to his wife then his house. Yes, I put house and not children because they are under the husband’s and wife’s covering as long as they humble themselves to their authority in their house. When they get out they are gone. You go above and beyond because we love them, yes love is that powerful, but they are NEVER first. This is the big thing pushed in western societies about how a real this or that would put the children first yet the Word says “…. and children are their oppressors.” In order to be oppressors you first have to be in a position of power over the thing youre oppressing. It’s unbiblical.
This wife is in a lose-lose situation. Her husband has clearly stated that he does not value or respect housewives/SAHM’s – he presumes her desire to stay home with her baby is a “mental illness”, and was attracted to her initially due to her career ambitions! If she returns to work at his insistence, she will resent him for the rest of their marriage. If she honors her (correct and natural) hearts desire to quit and stay home, he will lose admiration for her, he will probably become contemptuous and resentful as well. This story is sadly very common – young women need to be told how drastically their desires will change once they become mothers – young men need to understand and anticipate this in their future wives.
Hi Jillian,
She is NOT in a lose-lose situation if one day her husband repents and believes in Jesus Christ, then spends eternity with Him! She is also storing many treasures in heaven. We are promised tribulation and suffering in this life. The Lord will welcome her into his kingdom with open arms!