How Important is Attraction in Who You Marry?

How Important is Attraction in Who You Marry?

A man on Facebook named Dr. K. N. Jacob wrote the following:

“If you are not attracted to him, DON’T MARRY HIM.

“It’s never too late to get married. Marriage matters, never act out of panic. It’s better to be single than with a man you are not attracted to. The primary purpose of marriage is intimacy. Companionship can be found with your family and friends. Children can be adopted.

“A lot of ladies past 30 years make this blunder and later complain how their marriage is sexless. Intimacy cannot be sustainable if you were not attracted to the dude in the first place. Very few men make this mistake. Most men are real on this issue – they go for the woman they’re attracted to.

“The Man of God Moses advised single men to marry the girl they see beautiful and attractive.

“Deuteronomy 21:11 (NIV) – If you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her as your wife.”

Do you agree with him? I don’t completely agree with him since he makes it seem that being attracted to someone is solely based upon their looks. For women, this isn’t everything. When I first met my husband, I was not attracted to him physically, but I was attracted to his personality, his height, his athletic ability, his love for the Lord, and his intelligence. (I didn’t know how good looking he was until he stopped parting his hair in the middle, wearing his big horn-rimmed glasses, and wearing a rust colored sweat suit! :)) He was NOT trying to attract any girls at college, that’s for sure.

So, it wasn’t his looks that attracted me to him but who he was. I believe this is far more important to women than the man’s outer appearance. This is why you see some beautiful women married to unattractive men. It’s rare to see the opposite, since men are highly visual. The downside for only marrying for physical attractiveness, which there are probably many, is that our looks quickly fade. What we look like in our twenties is far different than what we look like in our fifties and beyond.

For most women, it’s the personality, the way a man treats them, and the closeness they feel to the man that’s more important than how they look. Yes, most women do want a man who takes care of  himself, is in reasonable good shape (shows he has self-control), and dresses like a man. Most women do want a masculine man. I believe this is more important that physical looks. They want a man who will work hard to provide for them and can protect them. Most women don’t want a wimpy, effeminate man.

Finally, we must remember that love is a choice. It’s a choice you make each day to be patient, kind, and loving towards your husband. It’s a choice to be led by Truth rather than by feelings. Once you have committed your life to your husband, your body is not your own. Your body belongs to your husband, so give it to him freely (1 Corinthians 7:4). In this way, you have a far greater chance of growing old with the man of your youth, and it’s a HUGE blessing!

Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.
1 Corinthians 16:113,14

8 thoughts on “How Important is Attraction in Who You Marry?

  1. Realistically, it is just as easy to find a soulmate among the beautiful people as among the plain. However, all of us, male and female, ought to attend to our appearance, because it is the initial bait. When I was single, I would cross the floor to make the acquaintance of an attractive woman, but not a plain one.

    One the other hand, I remember one lady I met who had an attractive personality. No doubt I should have asked her out then and there, but I was not that competent with women. Over the next three years I met her only casually a couple of times. But she stuck in my mind. When she later turned up at our singles’ club, I did not recognize her. However, when a mutual friend called our her name, I thought: “I’ve got to make my move tonight.” Across the table on our first date, I noticed that she had, not only an attractive personality, but also an attractive face. Nine months later we were married.

    But the point was, I hadn’t recognized her. So if any single ladies are reading this, a man is not really interested in your body, let alone your mind, but in your personality.

  2. I believe it is important to have an attractive husband. I agree that looks don’t take up a lot of the pie chart for how women view potential husbands but they do still matter. My husband is extremely attractive and sometimes I enjoy just looking at him. But I don’t think most men (or women) have to go to extreme lengths to be attractive. Most men would be at least somewhat attractive if they kept in shape, had clear skin and even features (perhaps braces if necessary).

    I know the trend in a lot of discussions is how the beauty fades on women past 35 (and they are correct) but often men seem to be blind to their own appearances and expect to land a beautiful woman while they sport a computer tan and dungeons and dragons body.

  3. “If you are not attracted to him (in some way), DON’T MARRY HIM.”

    Fixed it. Of course then it becomes obvious. Who would marry someone they aren’t attracted to in some way? Only princesses being forced into it in some Devil Mouse movie.

  4. Dear Lori, I have found your blog in recent weeks and have spent a great deal of time going through it. I think your doctrine is sound but sometimes I just can’t fathom how to live this way. I am a man, turned 21 and in flight school, and men are very wicked.

    Do you know how many men in the world beat their wives mercilessly?
    Men rape and steal and kill. Our nature is aggressive and it causes us to do the most horrific crimes.
    This is why I have a hard time having fait in Patriarchy. You say a lot about the victim mentality of women but most of the time they ARE the victims. They did nothing wrong, they have no control over what happens to them.

    God created females and made them lovely and sensitive. The man was supposed to honor that. He didn’t. Even though I haven’t done crimes like this personally I am still associated. Because I am a man it is in my nature and I can’t escape it. I would never be worthy of a submissive wife no matter how much I try to pursue God

    I feel like young innocent women will read your post only to be taken advantage of. It’s a horrible reality. It makes me ashamed, but it’s how we are.

  5. “Women should freely give sex to their husbands”

    From what I hear from other men, in real life that is the exact opposite of what happens.

    I have heard husbands of all ages say that before marriage, the woman was freely giving them sex. But after marriage, within a very short period of time, the woman quits giving sex.

  6. Dear Lori:

    You probably won’t publish this comment. But you are 100% wrong in your thinking that women should marry men they aren’t sexually attracted to. No woman should ever marry a man she doesn’t want to have sex with. Not “is willing to” have sex with. She must WANT to have sex with him.

    Anything less totally destroys marriages today. I know you hold yourself up as an example. That’s fine, but you are an extreme outlier and the exception to the rule. No woman should base her decision to marry on your example. By your own admission, you and your husband had a very hard go of it when you first got married. Maybe if you had been attracted to him, it would have been easier.

    Women’s lack of sexual attraction for their husbands is the number one cause of marriage failures today. It is absolutely destroying marriages everywhere. The truth must be told on this.

  7. I was actually always attracted to my husband but this didn’t make a good marriage. Nowhere are we told we must be attracted to our husband. We are told to love him, submit to him, obey him, please him, and be a helper to him. These are what make a good marriage. Attraction can come and go. Love, true biblical love, does not. Love is a commitment.

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