How to Be Loved and Adored By Your Husband

How to Be Loved and Adored By Your Husband

“Directing your husband’s traffic undermines this goal by setting up a mother/son relationship rather than a husband/wife relationship. That’s why the sex wanes. What kind of man wants to have sex with his mother? So, what does it mean exactly to not direct your husband’s traffic? It means not making any comments—ever—about what you think your husband should be doing or how you think something should or shouldn’t be done. If you find this difficult to do, keep in mind that every time you refrain from telling your husband what to do or how to do it, you’re getting closer and closer to being loved and adored rather than being avoided or ignored. When a wife takes on the husband’s role by demanding to be the one who’s right and who’s in control, the natural synergy between them dies.” (From Suzanne Venker’s new book “How to Be a Wife.”)

This sounds like a GREAT book by Suzanne! I have only read an excerpt of it on her Facebook page but this is excellent advice. Most of her advice is excellent. I don’t know if she is a Christian. I haven’t seen her ever confess to this nor has she ever used any Bible verses, and from what I have read, she doesn’t use the term “submission” even though she describes it better than most Christians. I teach from the Bible. She teaches from her experiences in life and counseling others. I can see why she has come to the conclusion that biblical womanhood is the way to live. God is her Creator, even if she doesn’t admit it, and His ways are perfect for every human being.

When I teach women to win their husbands without the word (1 Peter 3:1,2), they will protest that this doesn’t mean they can’t say anything to them. Of course, they argue, they should be able to give their opinions to their husbands! But, wait. Maybe it’s not a good idea after all. Maybe God really meant that we aren’t to give our opinions but simply want our husbands to lead in the way they want to lead. Maybe we are to be quiet, trust our husbands, follow their  lead, and only give our opinions if they ask for it. After all, God does command that we submit to our husbands in everything (Ephesians 5:24). Women want to tell us that this is the recipe for abuse. But maybe, it’s the recipe for a great marriage!

God did create men to be the providers and protectors. I can see this in the young men in my life. They want to make sure their families are provided for and protected. They are driven by this. If something were to happen to them, they are doing everything they can to make sure their wives don’t have to worry about finances by having larger insurance policies, paying off all debt, and working to save money they earn. They want to care for their families even in the event of their deaths. Of course, these young men are godly men who love the Lord and His ways, but I believe it’s instinctual in most men to be this way, unless they’ve been so deceived by feminism that they no longer understand their innate God-given responsibilities.

Women, God is a patriarchal God and created men to be the leaders and the ones in authority. He didn’t create women to do this. We are to rest in this, not fight it. Respect the position that the Lord has given to your husband. Stop second guessing him and begin trusting him. Try it for a couple of weeks and see what a difference it will make in your marriage.

Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
Proverbs 31:10-12

17 thoughts on “How to Be Loved and Adored By Your Husband

  1. Yeah not sure of this woman is a christian or not but she does believe in gender roles and traditional marriage. She’s against feminism. Good post.

  2. I have complained in the past to my husband that he is not “leader” enough. Through your blogs Lori I have realized it is not him with the problem it was me!! I was so controlling and untrusting that I wasn’t even giving him the chance to lead! He could’ve been the greatest leader and I still wouldn’t have thought he was good enough because of my selfish perspective!

  3. My husband and I make most of our decisions together, but it’s because he wants my opinion on things. I will tell him flat out if I don’t have an opinion, for example if he should buy more stock in this company or that company, because I don’t know anything about it, and he’s fine with that. He’s a very strong leader and I trust him. And I think I have a great marriage! ♥️ very good advice from this woman. It’s very true, no man wants to have sex with his mother.

    1. My husband and I are the same. He asks for my opinion all the time. The final decision is always his, but he often asks me what I think he should do, especially if it’s a big decision.

      I’ve never thought of it the way this writer has put it, but it’s actually quite profound. No man wants to be married to his mother.

  4. If your husband is doing something you asked him to do (clean the garage, fix the light switch, paint the bedroom, whatever):
    1. Don’t insist on it being done the way you think is the right way (you want him telling you how to load the dishwasher?)
    2. Don’t interrupt him while he’s working (unless it’s a bona fide emergency like the house is on fire or the baby’s choking).
    3. Don’t criticize it when he’s done if it doesn’t come up to your standard (you want him to say “you missed a spot” after you vacuum).
    4. Give him a chance to catch his breath before your next ask

  5. My husband and i have been married 30 years and we have a very practical marriage. We determined/agreed early on that I was to defer to his opinions in EVERYTHING (big and small) and not to offer an opinion on ANYTHING. This has worked out well. From time to time he will “test” me to see if I’m being truly submissive…and ask “What do you think about….” I have learned and welcome responding “Whatever you think is best, honey” It is very important to have order. His job is to lead and mine is to follow — not in some things, but all things. Honestly, I’ve taken some criticism about this over the years from people who don’t understand. But is it really worth contention and disagreement?

    1. Hi KAR, My husband and I have been married 24 years and have the same type of marriage you are describing. My husband makes EVERY decision for our family and I follow and obey in EVERYTHING and our marriage has been blessed. We should follow our husbands in all things. I also am questioned about why I enjoy “obeying and submitting” to my husband, why I’ve never worked, you name it! Every marriage is different but my husband took me for his when I was 19 years old and I feel very loved and protected…and don’t have to make any decisions!!

  6. Lori I need help finding a church! I used to go to a larger newer age church and really enjoyed the upbeat and lively music and sermons but the more I’m learning the more I see how unbiblical it was… or woman preaching, working outside the home and I don’t feel the support as a godly wife there. However my husband is not saved and does not attend church with me. Can you PLeASE do a post on how to find a biblical church? What I should be looking for or questions to be asking? It’s been much harder than I thought and I need guidance! Thanks so much ! 💕

  7. There’s a lovely fairytale that we went over in homeschool reading many years ago called “What the Goodman Does is Always Right” by Hans Christian Andersen. No matter what trade the goodman made, the goodwife was thrilled. She had complete trust and confidence in her husband’s decisions. This spoke to me. I wanted to be like that goodwife. It’s a daily yielding to the HS and somedays a real struggle to keep my opinions to myself. (Need to be more like you, KAR😌) I agree, contentions and disagreements … totally not worth it.

  8. I have made so many mistakes in this area during 35 years of marriage. I am a domineering person and very headstrong so it was always hard for me to not take control in every situation. I always wanted to drive when going somewhere, have things done my way, and control every situation. Some of it was my husband was immature and we had a very rough start. Truthfully, I just felt smarter that him and felt things were out of control if I didn’t take the reins.

    Now that I am a born again Christ follower, I know I greatly hampered my husband’s growth to manhood. We have survived these years without divorce, but I see now that I did cripple him in some ways. I have to work at this every day. I still want to correct him, direct his work day and tell him how to do chores. Ugh!!! This is something I have tried to repent of and pray for strength to let him be the man and have a spine.

    We have a good marriage but it is truly a miracle from God that we made it. God’s transforming power has helped us both through what could have become a disaster. I keep praying for His help to allow my husband to lead and be the man I know God wants him to be. But…above that, I pray that I will change, and that God will help me to be the supportive wife my husband needs instead of a battle ax!

    1. What Is Becoming A Proverbs 31 Woman Today All About?

      It’s important to realize that becoming a Proverbs 31 woman isn’t the lie that has been sold for so long that you need to strive to be excellent at all things homemaking.

      The truth is that it’s about embracing God’s grace, bearing God’s image, and fulfilling God’s call on your life. The Proverbs 31 woman shines Jesus brightly.

      Becoming a Proverbs 31 woman is not a matter of checking off a list of accomplishments to attain the perfection of the virtuous woman in the Bible. Rather, it is studying the virtues described and living a life where they are evident. The real Proverbs woman is one of virtue and character.

      It’s not at all about doing and it’s everything about becoming. And this becoming is through God’s grace, not exhausting yourself through striving. That’s why it’s important to do a Bible study on Proverbs 31 and sink into God’s Word on the subject.

      Proverbs 31:10 (ESV) says: “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.”

      The immense value placed on a virtuous woman is unmistakable; those who read the Bible and take away that woman aren’t appreciated have clearly missed this verse. The Proverbs woman was treasured.

      https://www.gracefulabandon.com/becoming-a-proverbs-31-woman/

  9. Sounds like an interesting book. I’m going to look for it . My husband and I work mostly as a team. We work very well together and enjoy each others company. So we clean the garage, do home repair etc. together. We also make decisions together because he likes my opinion. He makes the final decision though if we don’t agree.

    One thing I have learned recently and been putting into practice is when I find myself thinking of past offenses, wanting to make a comment on something like an annoying habit he has etc. I stop and immediately say a prayer of blessing for him instead. It focuses my mind on gratitude and love instead of negativity. Then the thing that seemed annoying a minute ago no longer is. So simple yet so helpful. I wish I would have started doing that years ago.

    1. What wonderful advice, AMW! I just finished her ebook. It’s very short and like I said, she’s not a Christian but she does have some good insight. I don’t agree with all of it and wish it wasn’t quite as expensive for such a short book but I am sharing a few of the things that I loved in it.

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