I Don’t Want to Be a Strong, Independent Black Woman
A guest post by a black woman who wishes to be anonymous. May you be blessed. I know I sure was!
I want to be strong, but in the counterculture way of having a meek and quiet spirit. The world tells us that a ‘good’ Black women is one who essentially acts like a man and I am taking a stand against that lie! How can we expect have strong marriage and be a wife if we aren’t even acting like a woman! If we, as Black women, started acting more like Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton instead of Beyonce and Nicki Minaj, we would truly be treated as the royalty we really are and not settle for cheap counterfeits.
As a 24 year old black female, Mrs. Lori Alexander’s blog has been such an oasis of hope to me. I thrive from reading her marriage posts. I’ve studied her book like it was my homework, and I pretty much digested all of her first blog, Always Learning. I also have a journal full of notes I have taken while reading The Transformed Wife. But I have to admit, sometimes reading her blog feels like a guilty pleasure, or like I’m doing something wrong. Why do I feel this way? Well, God used Lori’s ministry to fuel my dream. A dream I never knew I had but a dream I sometimes feel embarrassed to have since the world would tell me black girls can’t have that dream.
What dream is that? To be a housewife! (cue thunder sounds, screams and dun dun dun dramatic sound effect lol) Let me share more of my story to explain.
I have always been an overachiever and I thank God for every opportunity I have had. I was a popular cheerleader who was a leader in her high school. I attended my dream university, The University of Texas at Austin, on over $60,000 worth of academic scholarships. I’ve studied abroad for a summer in Hong Kong at 19 years old. I was a star in a play at UT (acting was my passion). I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Radio-Television-Film in three years at 21. I’ve done mission work in Argentina and Honduras and I was part of a feature documentary film. All these things the world and other Christians praised me for.
I am so grateful for all these opportunities and I praise Jesus for them but after I graduated I knew the Holy Spirit was telling me to live back at home with my parents and serve them. I was so embarrassed to move back home! What would people think of me? I’m suppose to be in Hollywood writing movies! I graduated from one of the top universities in the world; people would think I’m a failure. Even though these thoughts came to my mind I’m so glad I yielded to Jesus. It’s been over three years since I’ve started this journey with Jesus preparing me to be a wife and it has been glorious.
I’ve been able to serve my parent’s church. I’ve used my writing skills to start a blog. I have a YouTube Channel. I’ve had the opportunity to serve my mother who was sick and be with her at every doctor’s appointment. I was able to go to Hawaii with my grandmother who I adored with all my heart and who unexpectedly got diagnosed with stage four cancer February of this year and died this April.
With all my heart, I’m so grateful to Jesus I didn’t listen to the world and go chase money because I had the privilege to drive my grandmother to the grocery store, help her run errands, take her to the doctor, and love on her. Most of all, I was able to be with her during her last days of hospice care and always tell her how much I love her. God knew she was about to die even when I didn’t. I also got to feed the homeless with my mother at the park and my boyfriend and I have a love that is so pure and sweet because I’ve learned to treat him with the respect he deserves and, in turn, he showers me with love. I thank God I entered the graduate course of “How to be a Wife 101.”
When I started to dream small, others thought I was a failure, but I was making a world of change in the lives of my family members. I wanted to attend graduate school at UCLA, but God had other plans for me. I had no idea about respect and submission but I thank God that I have learned these principles these past three years.
It makes no sense to me that we can train for a job or go to college for years to prepare for a career, but we think we, as women, don’t need godly training on to how to be a wife. Would you trust a doctor who never went to medical school? Would you fly on a plane with a pilot who never attended aviation school? So it makes sense that we have so many wives crashing and burning in their marriages because they don’t even know their God-given role. I am so glad God has been training me. I will be able to avoid so many pitfalls just because of the knowledge of have. “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge” (Hosea 4:6).
We often wonder why divorce is rampant and marriage seems like a sham, especially Christian marriages. Satan comes to women first to get to the man (the snake went to Eve first) so if women get in line with God’s plan, marriage would be revived. My role models used to be Victoria Secret models and Britney Spears, but now it is women like Lori Alexander and my mother. Talk about a “transformed mind”!
My dream now is to be a stay-at-home wife and mom. I love that idea! But I know many people think I “threw my life away!” especially as a young black girl. A lot of people want me to make a lot of money and be famous. I’ve even had a lot of backlash from extended family. But I can respond with confidence and love now because I know they just don’t have the right teaching. I am not throwing my life away, I’m giving it to God! When I lost my life, I found it!
So many Black women know nothing about being submissive, pure, meek, gentle or kind because we are taught by society and even family to be loud, not to need a man, to be sexually promiscuous, and to take care of ourselves. These stereotypes we are conforming to are ruining families and children are suffering from it! That is the Jezebel spirit running rampant in our community and that is why our men are falling and there are single mothers everywhere.
Everyone is teaching us how to be Oprah but no one is teaching us how to be Ruth, Esther, or Sarah! A submissive wife changes generations! I’m am so blessed to have a boyfriend who supports me in every way and encourages any dream I have–but my ultimate dream after pleasing Jesus is to be his help meet and make his dreams come true and raise godly children! We are preparing for marriage but are waiting on God’s timing. I’ve learned that when I give my life to God, that’s when my true dreams come true! I’ve been all around the world but never have I had more joy than being right here at home!
To be honest, I used to look down on girls from my high school who got married young and had babies. I thought I was better than them because I was at college living the dream! Oh, how God hates pride! But God has a way of teaching us. Now I see how good they had it!
Lori’s teaching has made me a much better daughter, girlfriend, and future wife. I’m so much kinder, loving, and I serve God any way I can. I am so glad I left my dream behind of making it big in Hollywood and have a new dream of making Jesus famous in my life with my gentle and quiet spirit. For years, I was a cheerleader which taught me to always be sexy, popular, and attention-seeking from a young age so God is still renewing my heart. I prayed for God to make me sweet, that people will see the kindness of Jesus in me. Now wherever I go people tell me, “You are so sweet!”
Lori is such an inspiration to me. When I feel those desires of wanting to be sexy, hot, and famous, I come up and pray to God that he would give me a heart like Lori’s; that only seeks to please him! Lori gets a lot of hate from this world, even from Christians, but she is a true soldier in the Lord’s army and has many crowns awaiting her in Heaven. She has a boldness that we all should desire.
I don’t have to hide my dream of being a housewife anymore. This is a biblical desire and I can own my dream. Why is it people can tell me I can be anything I want but when I want what God wants for my life, to be a Titus 2 wife, then I receive backlash? I’m here to tell Black girls everywhere that you are still smart if you want to be a wife that obeys the Lord and serves your husband. Don’t feel belittled because they tell you only smart black girls are “doctors or engineers.” God’s way will change our Black men and will reverse the generational curse of destruction on the black race. Of course, this is for every race and every color but as a black girl I know how engraved it is in our mind to be trained like a Jezebel.
My mother and grandmother were strong Black women, but not because of their degrees, money, or any other thing the world defines as strong, but they were strong because they loved Jesus, loved their husbands, and loved their children more than anything and that’s what I strive for.
So thank you for reading my story. I give all Glory to God and I thank Ken and Lori Alexander for allowing God to use them to transform my life!
Jesus loves you all!
I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
Romans 12:2, 3
25 thoughts on “I Don’t Want to Be a Strong, Independent Black Woman”
Bravo! Not all in the black community want to act like welfare mothers and criminals! Some want to build a future and live by more virtuous behavior! The crisis of unwed black mothers is rampant, so kudos to those who want a marriage, not a welfare check! One of my former high school classmates got knocked up while still in high school, and the deadbeat baby daddy left her high and dry and also impregnated another woman a year before her! She used to bully me, and think she was so much better, but look who’s better now! This is a fine young lady who wants more for herself and her community! Bravo! Thanks Lori, also, for sharing these wonderful stories! Not all women embrace radical feminism!
You’re so right! I love that she can be a role model for so many young women and speak truth into their lives. She is living out God’s plan for her and finding how wonderful it is. It’s a small remnant who won’t embrace radical feminism but it’s the remnant that will be blessed since all of God’s ways are for our good.
Well written Stacie! I can relate to your post as I too was celebrated and encouraged for being an “independent, black career-driven young woman.” However, I chose to obey God by coming home to serve my husband, and raise my children. (And I know that it was the best decision I could’ve made, and I dont regret it! ) Over the last 11 years, I have dealt with criticism and ridicule because of my decision, but I have also seen the women in my life gravitate and appreciate our lifestyle which gives me comfort that God’s way is the best way and He gets all the glory!
“God’s way will change our Black men and will reverse the generational curse of destruction on the black race. Of course, this is for every race and every color but as a black girl I know how engraved it is in our mind to be trained like a Jezebel” so true! Even when we do come home, we need to study God’s word to know His truths and our role as women. I have noticed that when we dont study His word, we can easily get distracted by building platforms, getting recognized with titles and ordained as pastors, prophetesses, coaches, bossgirls, etc. When we should be careful not to blaspheme God’s word, and neglect the duties of serving our husbands and allowing them to lead , training our children and being keepers of our home.
Praying the best for you!
Thank you Lori, for covering topics like this…much appreciated!?
You’re welcome, Nisha! I love doing it and seeing how God’s truth transforms lives!
Thank you Lori for this encouraging letter. As an older black woman myself, I hear this lie of being a ” strong black woman” a lot and it is a lie straight from the pit of hell.
I’m grateful the Lord is continuing to mold me into the wife and mother I’m supposed to be. The celebrity black women that are so popular today are not women I choose to model after. I choose to be like Jesus! Thank you again to Stacie for writing this and Lori for posting it here. I hope it will encourage young black ladies reading this and even older ones too.
Thank you for covering this topic! I agree with everything Stacie said. As a black woman you’re expected to carry the weight of the world. I’ve always known in my heart that’s not what God called me to be; a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man. That’s false! I’m a helpmeet and I’m excited for the day when I become a helpmeet. Reading this blog let’s me know that I am not alone and that there are other likeminded women out there too! This just encouraged me so much. Thank you Lori! Your guest blogger just encouraged me to live in the truth of desiring me to share my dream of being a wife and mother and to not be ashamed. Thank you both!
What a beautiful story and testimony. I am sure that you will be a shining light among black women or among any race. I really enjoyed reading this one. God Bless you! ~Diane
Excellent!! This will give so much hope & faith to young women in the faith who are already sensing their calling to the Home/Motherhood but is lacking confidence & understanding. I truly felt that heart of a woman who loves & is submissive to Christ. Such a beautiful godly post!
i am an older black woman, married 41 years to the same man. we have 9 children. seven of them are young ladies. it’s so sad that the message of true womanhood is not being taught in the black church. Lord, help us. our communities are suffering because too many preacher want the double tithes of working couples, and are too afraid to tell shacked up couples that they are wrong, stay strong, stacie.
Beautifully written Stacie!!! This was so wonderful and encouraging to read! I am 37 years old and have been a stay at home wife and mother since I was 19. I am so grateful for the life the Lord has given me. Being a wife and mother aren’t easy jobs….but they are the most rewarding and *such* a blessing! 🙂 We’ve been homeschooling for 11 years. I wouldn’t have it any other way! I am thankful the Lord has touched your heart and that you, too, are following His will for you and all women! 🙂
A big Amen! Black women need to stop looking to Hollywood to define them. Since the beginning of movies Hollywood constantly show black women as sassy, masculine women. This is a misuse of the beautiful sweet demeanor God created women to be. It is horrendous. Hollywood’s latest attack is the movie Black Panther where there was a whole squad of ultra masculine “ strong independent” women who were celebrated for these attributes. It makes me sick.
I call all Christian women, black, white or who cares to be radical feminine women who display the internal beauty God desires us to have. To be the total opposite of the lies Hollywood and the world tell us.
Amen! Women who have meek and quiet spirits are extremely attractive and have beauty radiating from them unlike many of the women today. We must seek to be feminine rather than feminists.
Lori, I thank you also for printing Miss Dickson’s guest post. Indeed, the black community is extremely pro-feminist and matriarchal. It’s refreshing to see someone love and embrace and want to follow God’s ways–they are best and it goes well with us when we obey Him. I pray Miss Dickson’s future marriage will honor God and that she and her husband will rear their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Amen! The more young women who decide to obey the Lord in all areas of their lives, the more impact they will have for good on those around them.
Amen! I love this line: “Satan comes to women first to get to the man (the snake went to Eve first) so if women get in line with God’s plan, marriage would be revived”
Remember that men, even while they are leading, are leading in the direction that they think women want to go. You women set an example for us just as we try be strong for you. The woman says “we must build a larger house for our growing family” and the man sets his mind to that task. So wives, if you don’t mind my advice, set an example of goodness so your husbands can see it shining.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story. Thank you Lord!
Thank you for posting this lovely lady’s testimony. It has been a blessing and an inspiration to me! And thank you also for speaking the truth no matter the cost.
Thank you for that encouragment!
Thank you Nisha for that encouragement!
This was very sweet to read. What a sweet spirit she has and how nice that she found the right focus. The fact that it is counter cultural for a young adult to take care of her mom and grandmother is pretty telling isn’t it?
Thank you so much for sharing this! As a black former career woman who was told “you are crazy for turning your back on wealth and a prestigious career to stay at home”,I can tell you that you are on the right track, the Jesus track. Relationships, first to God and then others are the basis of Jesus’ commandments to us. Jesus promised that following wealth and materialism will always lead to destruction. I would love ❤️ to see you share your testimony in more places. The truth is women AND men of all races who want to follow Jesus in the midst of the corrupt, materialistic American culture need to hear your message. My son just graduated and is staying at home for now. He is such a blessing to our family and we are building stronger relationships daily. Stacie, may God continue to bless you as you follow him. Please contact me if you would consider guest posting on my blog or being on my podcast. Lori, thank you featuring this post.
I could genuinely cry seeing this post and may even at a later point. It is a major encouragement to see because I feel there is a major lack of black women who publicly take this stance, and it is so disheartening! I’m just beginning this journey of figuring what it means to be a woman, and a Godly woman most importantly, but to see a black woman be bold in biblical womanhood makes my heart swell.
I don’t get the chance or opportunity to see that. It is rare to see black women that are feminine, modest, and professing Christians all at one time! It is difficult and nearly impossible to find public examples of black homemakers or anything of the sort. And I hate feeling this way and thinking like this because it is probably divisive and ignorant, but the lack of said women hurts me and makes me feel even more lost. It makes me feel so sad and as if I am doing something forbidden by reading these posts and even considering living like this. I know the way I’ll be perceived and spoken to for just thinking the way I do will be horrendous.
I’m expected to be independent and go out and get what I want on my own, because “I don’t need a man” and relying on a man is the worst thing in the world. I’m supposed to go to college and make something out of myself because my brain is too intelligent to waste. I’m supposed to be strong and proud because I’m black, and wanting anything else apart from these things apparently means that I don’t want to be and would like to be another ethnicity. This is the narrative that I have been fed and continue to be fed, and I just don’t want it :(. I want to be feminine and gentle. I want to learn to be submissive and I want to have a meek and quiet spirit.
I *want* to learn to led by my future husband and submit to him. It feels hard enough to learn to be a woman at all because this is not what we are taught in the world in general, but I can personally say being a black woman makes it feel even more difficult. My mom was a stay at home mom for the most part, but I feel like she regrets it. She always says she wants me and my sister to be better than she was, and that seems to mean not relying on a man for anything and going to college. I know she wants what is best for me and once she even said to me to be the best at whatever I did, even if that was a housewife.
But I feel that at best she’d be disappointed and at worst, she’ll be livid. She doesn’t know I feel this way or read these kind of posts. As someone who has struggled with identity, it makes having *any* kind of journey feel like slamming into a wall. I have so much healing to do and wisdom that I need, but I know I must trust in the Lord because His will and plans are far more important. I can’t fear man, and ethnicity really means nothing in the kingdom of God. I just feel that this is going to be a rough road for me in every way. Thank you for this post and just for your blog in general, Lori. I hope to learn a lot and grow to be the woman God would have me to be. Forgive me for my constantly long comments ?.
I must say that I’m highly disappointed because after checking, her blog and YouTube don’t really seem to be from the same person who wrote this wonderful message :(. I know this post is from some time ago, but I feel rather let down. That’s alright though, the comments are still encouraging and there are still older Godly women like you, Lori :).
I usually don’t post but this message really spoke to me. I’m 32 years old and have been married to my loving husband for two years. We are expecting our first child in two months. I am reminded daily of my role as a woman when I feel my baby kick while I’m trying to focus on my clients or when a bout of nausea washes over me as I try to finish reports. How much better could I take care of myself if I were home? I was a ” strong independent black woman” up until I married. I’m a manager at a big cooperation and it’s hard to walk away from. According to culture I’m doing it. I’m winning. But on the inside I’m chronically stressed, tired and do not want to be there… ever. I help strangers every day but I’d rather help my family. I’d rather focus on being a wife and keeping the house. Living for paid work is the most unfilfilling drudgery one could aspire to. My husband is on board with letting me stay home. I just need to get out of the years of societal mind control. These posts help tremendously.