Is Your Husband Truly the Head of Your Family?

Is Your Husband Truly the Head of Your Family?

There is a lot of contention among believers over many things. This should not be named among believers in Jesus Christ! “But if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another” (Galatians 5:15). Yes, hold firm to your convictions but share them in kindness, not to dominate others. How about all the issues that can cause contentions in a marriage? What about them?

In all of these things, women, is your husband the one who decides? Does he decide whether or not you celebrate Christmas and Easter? How about vaccinations? Is he the one who has the final say on this issue even if you disagree? What about headcoverings? Do you wear one if he wants you to and do you not wear one if he doesn’t want you to wear one?

What about the issue of spanking? Do you follow his leadership in this area? If he wants you to spank your child, do you? How about the family bed? What if he doesn’t want the children in bed with both of you? Do you obey him in this area? How does he feel about modesty? What are his standards and have you asked him? Do you let him set the modesty standards in your home?

What about the translation of the Bible that you use? Is this important to him and if it is, do you use the translation that he believes is best? How about the issues of circumcision and birth control? Do you honor his wishes in these areas or do you fight for what you want?

Another big issue is how to school your children. Do you live in submission to his wishes even if you disagree? What about the TV shows and movies that are allowed in the house? Do you cause contention about this in your home or do you let him decide since he is the leader of the family? What about the kind of church you attend? Do you let him pick what church your family will go to?

All of these are big issues to many of us and most of us have very strong convictions about them BUT we must remind ourselves that God made our husbands as head over us (the ones in authority) and we are commanded to live in submission to them. God has given our husbands the authority to decide these issues, not us. Sure, we can share our opinions and what we believe is best, but we must not quarrel or cause contention about them. Pray about the way the Lord leads your husband instead. Pray he will be a wise leader and make good decisions.

Remember, if your husband is making decisions that you don’t like, you won’t “win him” by arguing and being contentious with him. No, the Lord commands that we live in subjection to our husbands even when we believe they are wrong. No, we don’t submit to evil but none of the above are clearly in the “evil” category even though some of you would like to make them be such as vaccinations. (The evil things are evil in the sight of all strong believers such as your husband asking you to watch porn, engage in a threesome, rob a bank, have an abortion, any type of physical abuse, etc.)

I am a firm believer in not getting vaccinations. I believe they are full of toxic ingredients and have many potentially harmful side effects. An argument can even be made that aborted fetuses are used in the making of vaccinations BUT most people believe  in the benefits of vaccinations, even many strong believers. If your husband wants your children to get vaccinated, he wants this for their good. A wife has no physical ability to stop a husband from vaccinating his children nor should she. She should kindly state her case and then pray. If her children are vaccinated, pray diligently over them and feed them a healthy diet. This is a husband’s decision in the end, women. Don’t fight him on it or on any other issue. We are called to live in submission to our husbands with godly behavior.

What I have noticed is that it seems that women tend to have much stronger convictions on some of these issues than men, but it still doesn’t mean that they are right or that they get to decide. God didn’t give us this role. He gave it to our husbands so in all of these areas, talk to your husband about it, share your opinions, and then obey him. As you are submitting to him, you are submitting to Christ since this is what Christ commands of you. Trust God as you submit to your husband and do not be afraid.

Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
1 Peter 3:6

80 thoughts on “Is Your Husband Truly the Head of Your Family?

  1. Thankfully there is very little my husband and I dont agree on. But when there is, I go with his wishes. The overwhelming majority of the time we women just want our way and it’s not over anything of much significance.

    The issue of vaccines, though, would be very tough and I pray for those with children who are faced with this choice. I, too, am adamantly opposed to vaccines which are poisoning and injuring our children! (And adults).

    I know this because for a short time I worked for a vaccine company! I observed it first hand!

    I understand what you’re saying, Lori, and it’s true none of us could physically stop our husbands from taking the child to get vaccinated. But this is something I would attempt to persuade my husband on. Calmly, rationally. Present data.

    Most of us, including our husbands, have been indoctrinated about vaccines and we just don’t know! It’s a difficult paradigm shift in our thinking and understanding!

    1. I agree, Dana, but in the end, wives must submit to their husbands’ wishes. They can state their case in a kind manner and then pray about it. They must trust that the Lord will hear their prayers and lead their husbands in the right direction. If it’s not the direction that they want, then they must trust the Lord (after all, this is what trust is all about – trusting in the hard times) and do what they can to keep their children healthy.

  2. Important topic for sure. Many wives say their husbands are the head of the home and they live in subjection to him but do they really? The bible is clear that a wife is to submit in EVERYTHING. As unto the Lord of course which means not submitting to CLEAR sin. The goal is unity in marriage one flesh there shouldn’t be arguments or fights. Submission brings peace and oneness. Lets remember its all about Glorifying God nothing else matters.

    1. And just because a woman acts submissive to her husband in public, does not mean she is in private.

      I am 58 and a widower of several years now.
      I married her when I was 40.
      2 preachers knew her for years and vouched for her as being a Godly Christian woman.
      I courted her – no physical contact of any kind til marriage.
      We talked a lot before marriage about different topics.
      When engaged she requested I already start assuming the headship over her.
      Before marriage she told me she would NEVER deny me sex with her.

      Got married and on wedding night it was a 180 degree change. She even KNOWINGLY scheduled wedding for a day of her period. She constantly told me NOT which to her did not apply to the 4-5 other guys she committed adultery with over 13 years of our marriage.

      In public she acted very submissive and made people think I was very controlling of her. Had marriage consulting with 3 different preachers. After each session she would laugh the whole trip home on how she made them believe her and not me.

      When she died, her last words were still trying to order the doctor and nurses around.

  3. My copy of Love and Respect just arrived and I can’t wait for us to start reading it. I know I lack in areas where I unintentionally not allowed Tim to lead. Lori thank you for this post.

    1. I am not sure that book is heavy into submission, unfortunately, Regina. Most popular marriage books don’t speak much about that issue since it’s so offensive to women. “Created to Be His Help Meet” is much better. “On the Other Side of the Garden” is another good one, too.

      1. That is an interesting response, Lori, as I have heard others reject the book. They say the book subjugates wives, but in reality it encourages unity. And submission is not necessarily an overnight response, just as loving my wife as Christ loved the church does not happen overnight, It is a continual process. God is constantly working in me to produce a finished work. I won’t be done until I am in heaven with Christ.

  4. I needed to read this today! My husband isn’t following Christ and some of his decisions upset me so much, I find myself wanting to fight with him or even manipulate circumstances to try and control him and the decisions he makes. I know better, but when life gets stressful my takeover attitude rears its ugly head. Thanks for this post, it was a much needed reminder!

    1. Hello,

      You might benefit from reading up on the life of St. Monica, the mother of St. Augustine of Hippo. She was raised in a Christian family and married off (probably by arrangement) at a young age to Patricius, a pagan man who had his charming ways but was a heavy drinker who turned violent when he drank too much, and who was rather licentious in his ways with women. However, from what I read he never beat Monica because of her longsuffering attitude. (If he had she would likely have had little if any recourse for protecting herself or her children, back in those times.) He was annoyed by her Christian piety but he is said to always have respected her.

      Monica continued to be dutiful and resigned wife and a good neighbor as well as an attentive mother. Her son Aurelius – the future St. Augustine – went wayward in his youth but, in no small part thanks to her persistence and her prayers, finally converted and became one of the greatest Christian theologians of all time. Even Patricius ultimately bowed before his wife’s God, becoming a Christian on his deathbed.

      I’m not saying your story is similar. If you’re in physical danger we do live in times where more protective options are available to you (though it is true that not all of them may be as easy or appealing as we wish). However, the lives of the Saints do offer many cues of inspiration, and for marital and familial struggles it is hard to think of a more inspiring, touching and triumphant true story than that of Monica and her family.

      All the best!

        1. Yes, definitely! But it’s also important to keep in mind that we may not see the results of righteousness right away, or on Earth ever at all. Monica’s husband converted on his deathbed: her faithfulness to Christ inspired his salvation, but she never got to experience the joys of a happy Christian marital partnership. But she was at least compensated here in that she could finish her days confident of the work of the Lord in her life and in her husband’s. Some people may never see any effects of their faith and their works as long as they are alive. The only surefire reward comes after, when God will call us to account on whether we have loved Him with our whole heart and our neighbors as ourselves.

          Christ specifically taught us that marriage was of this world and not the next, and that His kingdom was not of this world. In marriage as in everything else in the Kingdom of Man we may certainly hope that our faithfulness to God and fulfillment of our duties of state will bear at least some fruit. But we are not to think it is our “right.”

          1. My best friend’s father accepted Christ on his death bed. He was married to a woman who loved the Lord so His presence filled the home and her husband finally surrendered her life to his Savior. I try to encourage women who are married to unbelievers to keep their eyes on eternity. Their husband’s eternal soul is what they need to keep in mind as they stay married to them and win them without the word by their godly behavior.

    1. Once again, you are demonstrating that you defy Gods spheres for the genders.

      Proverbs 21:9
      It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

      If all women in America were like Lori, and had her godliness, along with the many other Godly women on here, our nation would be transformed for the better rapidly.

      It is because of the feminist serpents, who constantly fight for their own way, that we have so many issues.

      Of course, men have to obey God, but, that is between the man and God. If a man isn’t obedient to God, then a woman shouldn’t marry him.

  5. This is great advice and greatly needed today. Husbands as heads of their households means they set the policy for the home, even if their wives disagree. In fact, while a woman should generally not violate her conscience where there is no direct Biblical command, her conscience is to submit to her husband’s leadership. If she were to follow her own preferences under the guise of conscience, she would be acting as the head of the home and usurping her husband’s authority. There are direct commands in scripture that no husband has the right to overrule because God is the ultimate authority. But there are also many matters of conscience like vaccines, organic foods, where children go to school, types of discipline, and so on. If the husband agrees with his wife or allows her to make the decision under his leadership, then that’s fine. But if he chooses something she disagrees with, she must submit to her husband. He was given that role of leadership by God for a reason, and she cannot improve upon God’s order for the family.

  6. I needed to hear this today. My husband left me a list of errands to run for him.
    I have so much to do at home to catch up after Thanksgiving. I was not going to do the errands today.
    I am now. My cleaning can wait a day.
    Thank you Lori for your wise words as always.

  7. I think because most men were raised in Daycare, they don’t really know how to be men.

    I had a fight with my husband over how I will not, with very few exceptions, let my kids use an ipad or computer when they are under 10 or 12. I won’t give my kids anything but an emergency phone…EVER. When they are 17/18, they can buy their own phone. Until then, they are sh** out of luck.

    I’m not going to budge. That’s how it’s going to be.

    And I don’t care what the Bible says about listening to your husband…He’s wrong, and he was raised in a certain way precisely because he didn’t have a stay-at-home mom or intact family so he has Absolutely no idea how a good family behaves.

    So…no. End of. No.

    If you married a man who comes from a dysfunctional non-Christian background (and many of us will because there aren’t enough men to go around) you have to stand up for the values and be willing to fight for them.

    At the same time, I think deep down inside, my husband married me because I’m like this.

    My husband’s parents gave their video-addicted grandson of 9 years old an IPhone. I told my husband that if they pull that sh** on my kid, I’m going to take it out back and smash it with a hammer.

      1. Lori,

        Remember we haven’t had kids yet…so a lot of these fights I mention in this comment section are us sitting down at the table working through our different upbringings and deciding upon how we are going to raise the kids.

        I think Disobeying your Husband, and Hashing Things Out Tooth and Nail…are very different.

        I do agree with you…it does cause a lot of trouble.

        I just insulted my husband five seconds ago. But here’s the thing…

        You can’t let some of this stuff continue. It has to be nipped in the bud. I told my husband that his brothers are bad…they can hopefully become good men…but right now…they are both Bad Men.

        I said ‘If you knew a really nice girl who wanted to find a nice guy…would you introduce her to your brothers? Of course not. Because they are bad men.’

        I don’t sound like a nice person. And I’m not. But someone has to tell the straight truth.

        Another thing, I do let my husband have control and I do Keep My Mouth Shut 99% of the time.

        I just need to make sure that some of the things that happened to destroy his family (and mine) don’t continue in the next generation.

        And because my husband was sent off to boarding school…

        Like the video games…he went to boarding school…so he played video games…and then he learned programming from that.

        But see, I said that you don’t have to get a video game addiction for several years for your son to discover programming.

        The father…can sit down…and teach you….

        See…that was a big lightbulb moment for my husband.

        He was at boarding school, his father did not sit down and do anything with him. So the very CONCEPT of Father Teaching Son is missing.

        1. Do you believe God when He says that a disobedient husband can be won without a word by the chaste conversation (behavior) of his wife? It’s true. Save both you and your husband unnecessary drama and trust God. If you *must* cajole or plead for your way, cajole and plead with God, He is the one who can actually change hearts.

          I speak from experience. My husband always knows I’m in his corner and if I think he is going off track I’ll tell him but I let it go with him and take it up with God. Sarah, Abraham’s wife, said, “May God judge between you and me”. She stepped back and let God deal with her husband. (Not an enviable place if you’re in the wrong). In the New Testament she is listed in the Hall of Faith for having no fear and calling her husband lord. Remember we DO have power but that is only through the correct channels, God’s path which is submission. Submission actually changes men’s hearts.

          You can think of it as a an organization chart in a business. If you want to have a good relationship with your boss, you do what they tell you cheerfully without arguing. If you think your boss is wrong you tell them kindly and because you are such a kind, joyful employee who they think of as a friend they may bend to your point of view just to be nice. If they don’t and it is a big enough deal you just go over them and take it to God. You have no authority to demand they do things your way but God can deal with them in any way He sees fitting. That way your marriage and relationship is still happily intact but God’s way is made clear to both of you.

    1. That is tough, because I completely agree with you. I don’t think a kid should have access to the unmonitored internet, or a cell phone, under 18.

      Far too dangerous.

      If you show him the websites, “Fight the New Drug”, and “National Coalition to end Sexual Exploitation”, you may be able to persuade and convince him.

      However, open rebellion to him will only harden him, and profanity rarely convinced anyone of anything. It tends to worsen situations.

      Good luck, you have wonderful goals.

    2. I completely agree with you, and thankfully, my husband does too. Our kids only watch movies together as a family occasionally on the weekends, and they’ve never used a tablet or smartphone.

      But is this the hill for your marriage to die on? Is it better for you to win this argument, or for your children to see unity between Mom and Dad? Marriage is an earthly reflection of the relationship between Trinity. Is it more important for you to model to your children perfect submission, as the Son is in perfect submission to the Father, or imperfect submission based on who’s more “right?” Godly authority was assigned at creation and isn’t based on merit.

      The Holy Spirit is a far better advocate for what are truly right desires for your family than a nagging wife could ever be. When you lay down your stubbornness at the feet of Jesus and pick up the cross of submission daily, God will move mountains for you. I promise. I have witnessed it in my own marriage. So many strongholds were broken when I learned to shut my mouth against my husband and instead open my heart to God.

      Read the passages Lori suggested. Scripture doesn’t lie.

  8. I believe to be truly submissive we must first be truly humble. When we separate ourselves from our pride and arrogance then we can see God’s work in our lives and learn to trust in Him and not in our own abilities. Humility and a meek & quiet heart create a wife who is genuinely submissive and not one who just pretends to be.

  9. This is why I chose a husband that had his views aligned with my views. This makes my marriage all the more harmonious ❤ Ladies, choose WISELY, be picky about what you can live with and what you can’t, and then love your choice!

  10. Now you’ve got me questioning something. You asked if my husband determines modesty standards? First off, not trying to start an argument or anything, I know some people can take offense to anything and I’m not trying to justify my actions or anything either, I just want to let me know that you’ve given me something to think about.

    I’m going to be honest here and tell the truth. A while back, I tried on some jeans that I thought were too tight, but I knew they would get my husband’s attention, so I called him in there and asked if they were too tight, with the plan of getting his attention before I changed. He told me no. I wore a long shirt anyway. I also decided that since his view of too tight and mine were different that I would just not ask him about clothes I thought were too tight. In my mind if I just chose to not ask then I’m not doing anything wrong. I know the way he would want me to dress and while it’s not as modest as I think it should be, he has also been known to tell me to change because something was too revealing. So, today when I read the post, it got me to thinking that maybe I am not submitting to him in this? It made me think that maybe I’m being manipulative by “deciding for myself” what is too tight and not giving him the option of voicing his opinion since

    I’ve already decided something is too tight? In my mind I justify by saying that he’s not a Christian and while he does lead our family, God tells us to be modest and ” God would probably side with me on this”. Oh my typing it out makes me think I’ve been rebelling, so now I’m even more confused. I’ve always used the verse that says God says I am to submit to him in EVERYTHING when I question (and no I wouldn’t submit to anything such as abortion, murder, ect…), but I’ve been telling myself that this situation is different.

    1. Does he care if they aren’t that tight? If not, then don’t wear them so tight. If he isn’t particular about what you wear, as some men aren’t, then dress modestly as you can but still please him.

  11. Wow, there is a lot to unpack in this article. First, my wife does her best to not only allow me to lead our family, but to actively encourage me to do so. It is a struggle at times, as we all have a sin nature to fight against. However, she is what I believe is a great example for others.

    We discuss all major decisions. Yes, as her husband, my wife submits to the leadership God has put upon me. I say it that way because it is not that I get to enjoy the role of a ruler, but as one who is held accountable by the God who created the universe. It is a daunting place to be. I realize that God has given me a wise counselor. I best seriously take her opinions into consideration or I am ignoring the person God has chosen to live life with me.

    Many of these issues are resolved by scripture. Scripture tells us that women should to dress modestly. I don’t get a voice in this. God said it, therefore it is true. Other things are personal convictions. I am blessed with a wife who has very similar convictions, so it is not an issue in our marriage.

    I purposely did not get mired down into the individual convictions, such as whether one celebrates a holiday or wears head coverings. I think those issues are best left to the individual families, with the leadership of the husband. I have my own convictions, but will not deny or disrespect the conviction of others.

  12. When my husband and I first married, I truly was a Jezebel of a woman, even if I didn’t know it. I blamed my emotions and moodiness on my husband’s inability to read my mind. I stayed home most days and wouldn’t clean up until he got home because I wanted him to “help.” Even after he helped, I told him it wasn’t enough. I would second guess his instructions and belittle his decisions.

    Now, I am a head-covering, skirt-wearing, submissive, JOYful wife. Even if I don’t agree with all of his commands, I know it is more important to obey my husband than to have what I believe is perfect theology or correct decisions. I am so grateful God softened my heart and revealed His truth to me, and our family lives in daily thanksgiving of the change the Holy Spirit has brought to the hearts of myself and my husband.

    I don’t think women realize how much power they have over their marriage. A woman’s attitude really is the backbone of the marriage and can either sow the seeds of bitterness or joy. I’ve seen firsthand the fruit of submission and the change it brings.

    We had a bunch of family over for Thanksgiving. One of my younger relatives who has been married for a few years is sowing so many seeds of bitterness in her young marriage. It’s devastating to watch. The entire weekend, we didn’t hear a single positive word out of her mouth towards her husband. Her husband actually asked HER for permission to go places or spend money and groveled for forgiveness anytime he thought he may have accidentally bruised her ego. She is angry and bitter with life and doesn’t understand why.

    One evening, while my husband and I were cleaning up after company, he commented, “I despise weak men” when referring to this relative’s husband. It broke my heart because early in our marriage before God changed my soul, my husband would often comment that he must be really hard to live with and that he felt inadequate as a husband and father. It was my decision to joyfully submit to him that has grown him into a strong man of God and a powerful leader. I tremble when I think of where our marriage would be in 20 or 30 years if I hadn’t changed. I understand there are exceptions, but women have so much power to change the heart of their family with the correct attitude and demeanor. Submission is a gift, not a curse.

    1. What a beautiful testimony, Sarah! Yes, God has given women an awesome responsibility to either tear down their homes with their own hands or to build them up. It’s our choice. May God richly bless your family!

    2. Good for you.

      Continue to spread this testimony to other women, many of whom desperately need to be turned from rebellion against God and man.

  13. I used to fight my husband on many of the issues you mentioned, such as vaccinations and schooling and I was completely oblivious to the damage it was doing to our marriage. I could see my husband sinking deeper and deeper into a depressive-like state and pulling away from me emotionally. He would often say things like “what is the point of me even being here when I don’t have a say in anything”. Honestly, I am so thankful to God for opening my eyes and revealing His truth and His ways to me before any permanent damage was done. It does take a lot of humbling to submit to matters which we feel very passionate about, but I realise it is the right thing to do. Nothing good whatsoever comes out of quarrelling. I am reminded of Jesus’ words in Matthew 16:24, “if anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me”. Submission is denying ourselves; denying our wants and desires and replacing them with our husband’s desires. The world makes us believe that being submissive is suffocating but let me tell you first hand that it is actually so liberating! I have never felt more at peace in my marriage and I take great comfort knowing that my husband always has our family’s best interests at heart – to be honest, he always did – I just used to be too self-absorbed to see it!

      1. I agree with you Mrs. W, when we totally submit to our husbands and obey them in EVERYTHING, it is truly very liberating! When we place all of our trust in the Lord and in our husbands, I feel we are “doubly protected” from the sad paths women today are being led down by feminists and false teachings. When we are humble, peaceful, quiet, feminine and staying at home where we belong, as close to our Godly husbands as we can be, to me, there is no more relaxed and comfortable place i could be!

        1. I believe we were given brains for a reason as well. There are some things I cannot submit to and that’s anything that will put my life or that of my children in danger. My husband wanted me to use birth control pills and I absolutley refuse to use any kind of hormonal birth control because of the risk of breast cancer (my grandmother had it as well as my mother) and for the possibility of aborting any conceived children we have. Ultimately he resorted to using condoms but that is upon him and his soul and salvation and therefore out of my control. I am ultimately responsible for my salvation. It’s frightening to see some men comment of Lori’s Facebook that demand that wives must submit to everything including sin, such as sodomy. I certainly hope they are single and any poor woman that meets them runs the other way!

          1. Hi Magdalene, I don’t recall any man saying that a wife must submit to sodomy. I don’t agree with this at all since the anus is not a sexual organ and anal sex can cause much harm to the woman. I may even agree with you on not taking birth control pills but practicing NFP and the men using condoms instead because I believe the birth control pill can cause abortions and many terrible side effects for women. We don’t agree that women should submit to everything if it is evil or harmful to her. God’s ways are higher than a husband’s ways and He has the final say but in everything else, a wife should willingly submit to her husband.

          2. The pill is the same as vaccines to me, they are not good but not necessarily a sin. Any Godly husband would listen to you and should lean not too do either but I do think the wife should defer to her husband because it isn’t clear sin.

          3. I encourage you to read this fantastic article that I just posted on my Facebook page:

            “The very opportunities birth control affords women have also detrimentally affected women. Birth control and abortion, by increasing illegitimate births, has led to ‘the feminization poverty’; men are no longer forced to marry the women they impregnate, yet women still overwhelmingly bear the cost of pregnancy. Oddly, the financial gains by women are not making them happier, as, ‘Women whose husbands are the breadwinners tend to be happier than other women.’

            “Female sexual risk has been reduced, educational and financial attainment has risen, yet life is now, ‘more challenging on them relationally. . . . the route to marriage—something the vast majority still holds as a goal—is more fraught with years and failed relationships than in the past.’ Basically, ‘Once familiar structures, narratives, and rituals about romance and marriage—how to date, falling in love, whom to marry, why, and when—have largely collapsed.’

            “Birth control, and to a lesser extent, abortion, are bringing about the destruction of our civilization. It is now only a matter of time before Western civilization collapses. According to Unwin, we cross the River Rubicon three generations from when the norms about sexual opportunities are relaxed.
            “We are no different from any other civilization that has come before us and violated this aspect of the natural law. Do not be fooled by modernity and technological advancements that appear to make us better than previous generations. Sooner or later, Western civilization as we know it will join the ill-fated annals of history as just that: history.”


  14. Lovely post! How sad that feminism has taught generations of women that acting loud, obnoxious and trashy is better than feminine submission. I’m not married yet but I do what I can to submit to the men in my life and the ones I meet on daily basis. So many women get offended when a man tells them to smile more but I’m happy to smile back knowing they just want to look at a face that won’t judge them and tell them that their masculinity is toxic.

  15. I’m very blessed to be on the same page with my husband about major decisions. And the one thing I can think of that bugged me that he would decide without me agreeing to it was resolved when God opened my eyes to the situation. No bitterness here! 💕

  16. My husband had lunch with a group of male friends a few days ago. When he came home, he shared with me how unhappy most of these men’s marriages sounded. They all complained of nagging, contentious wives. I was bracing myself for an honest discussion about my own behavior when he thanked me for never nagging him, and for stating my opinions but accepting his final decisions. I made a commitment early on to try to be this way because I grew up with a very contentious mother and I wanted our home to be different. Ladies, don’t make yourselves (and your husband!) unhappy by rebelling against the natural order of the family. Bury God’s work deep in your heart. Memorize scripture and ask God for a new heart on your dark days. It is so, so worth the harmony that will result. I guarantee that I am not anything special; if I can do this, one day at a time, then so can you.

  17. Hi Laurie! This article got me thinking, what about in cases where your husband won’t make a decision? My husband is a very passive man. Years of being raised by a mom who was terrible really impacted his decision making skills. We do our very best to follow biblical guidelines for marriage, but sometimes it just seems so helpless.

    For instance, I asked him recently about modesty standards as I was feeling a bit convicted that the clothing I was wearing were to revealing. I wanted to know his thoughts on the matter. His only response was that he didn’t know, and would leave that up to me. I know a lot of women would probably rejoice to hear their husband say that, but it genuinely hurts me. I came to him because I wanted to know what his beliefs were, and all I got was a basically figure it out on your own.

    I know, it’s a matter of clothing and most guys dont want to talk hemlines, but it’s much more than that in that it happens in very nearly every situation where I go to him for guidance or he is faced with the need to make a decision.

    I’m not certain how to handle this. I know getting angry isn’t the right answer (I know because I have done and felt horrible about it), but I also know that bringing something up like “hey, I am feeling convicted about ___ and am curious what your thoughts are on it? Would you pray with me over this?” … Etc doesnt work either because that just makes him mad at me.

    1. If he doesn’t have modesty standards and doesn’t care, then dress modestly! Begin with small things like if he wants to go out to dinner, ask him where he wants to go and then go there. Ask him what he wants you to fix him for dinner and maybe give him two options. Don’t try to force him to lead. That won’t work. Try to determine what he likes if you can and go with that.

  18. Would love to see a post about disciplining children/dealing with disobedience there.

    Currently dealing with a miss fussy eater, and at my husband’s direction, following a “starve her out” policy! Don’t want to eat my vegetable soup for dinner? Fine, but guess what you’ll be having for breakfast tomorrow. Vegetable soup!!

    My husband is also quicker to look to traditional methods like spanking which I shy away from, but I’d love to hear your views!

      1. Have to follow your husband, you guys have to be once voice. If the kids see that dad says one thing and mom the other it will destroy the family let alone you’d be usurping his authority.

        1. Hi Ellie Lacy,

          I would pray about it and then ask your husband if you may have his ear, at some time where is he is not busy and very relaxed. Mention to him you were talking with some older women who do not have picky eaters and tell him their methods on how they encouraged their children. You can also print out or ask your doctor for recommendations and bring those to your husband. If he rejects successful testimony from other mothers, as well as doctor’s recommendations, unfortunately all you can do is pray. You might also bring your child a bedtime snack of another nutritious food when your husband is busy. Some may see this as being deceptive, but I think giving your child nutrition takes precedence over starving them.

          I also recommend asking your doctor because being a picky eater can be evidence of anxiety, OCD, or having texture aversions, none of which a child can help and may need counseling, instead of starving, to overcome.

          1. Going behind her husband’s back would be usurping his authority and that would be so detrimental to the kids. It shows that there is no authority in the home and could effect their future marriages and how authority is displayed. A kid going hungry for the night won’t kill them now if its been a full day without eating thats a different story but in general follow your husband on this.

          2. Leaving aside the fact that feeding your kid before bedtime behind your husband’s back is undermining his authority, it completely undercuts any pickiness you were trying to help your child overcome. Why would a kid eat a food that isn’t his favorite if he knows mommy will bring him a snack at bedtime?

      2. Oh, if he makes a firm decision on discipline I won’t disobey him. I just mean that I look for alternative punishments, even if I know he would prefer I don’t “spare the rod”. If he explicitly says to discipline them a certain way, I do obey though.

  19. One would hope these issues would be discussed BEFORE marriage. I know things are liable to be missed, and he might change his mind later, but dating/courtship is meant to be a screening process. Ask yourself, ‘am I willing to submit to and obey THIS MAN in EVERYTHING?’ There are things you can’t compromise on, major clear sin being the obvious example. If you cannot come to an agreement about these things while dating, just don’t marry him! Scripture says women are to obey their husbands. What it doesn’t say is that you have to marry the first man you see! USE the knowledge that you will be obeying this man for the rest of your life to inform your decision about whom to marry.

    As a Catholic, I have been taught and strongly believe any form of birth control is gravely sinful. This would have been a non-starter for me had I ever dated a man who disagreed. It’s best to help minimize potential future conflict by choosing the man that you can be confident won’t create a conflict of obedience and morality in the first place. (Obviously not foolproof, but as a general rule, it’s a place to start.)

  20. We are new parents. My husband stated recently that he fully intends on celebrating Halloween and reading Harry Potter to our twins as they grow up. He knows how I feel about both of these – I am adamantly opposed – but he says I’m being silly, overreacting and that both are rites of passage for children. I have been praying fervently on this subject for months. I believe Halloween is Satan’s holiday and no Christian should celebrate it or anything that glorifies evil and the occult. But my husband doesn’t see it this way. He took the twins trick or treating this year while I stayed at home. It breaks my heart that my children will be raised with such paganism!

    1. Don’t fight him on these issues. It’s more important that your children see a kind, loving, and submissive mother to their father than any harm that would come to them from celebrating Halloween and reading Harry Potter books. Nourish them up in God’s Word and pray. Don’t allow this to cause separation between the two of you or lose your joy!

    2. I read and enjoyed the Harry Potter books. Maybe your husband thinks of them as just fairy tales – that’s my perspective on them. No one objects to other fairy tales like Cinderella, they all feature some sort of witch or fairy and talking animals, but children know it’s just pretend. Fairy tales don’t feature any actual pagan rituals, and the point of the story is often some sort of moral lesson. I’ve accidentally read some other books that featured witches too, expecting it to be that sort of obvious fairy tale thing, and they turned out to more like “real” wiccans with their herbs and whatever. The Potter books are definitely fairy tales, with wands and flying around, no actual pagan rites in them.

      1. My children have never been interested in Harry Potter, but we have always celebrated Halloween.
        We stress the idea of “letting our lights shine” like Jack-o-lanterns, and both our home church and church plant in the nearby city bless their communities with Gospel-driven “Trunk-or-Treat” events that our family served and participated in. Each family rotated around a series of specially decorated trunks that shared a story from the Bible before distributing candy to each visiting group. We chose“The Great Commission”, so we decorated our trunk with items our older children have collected on recent missions trips. We were provided a script to share with the participants, and each child and parent heard a chronological timeline of the Bible, including the Gospel!
        Don’t let evil rob your children of wholesome possibilities to spend time together as a family.
        My friend who grew up in a home adamantly opposed to Halloween by sitting in a dark house to avoid trick-or-treaters seems more traumatized by the lockdown scenario her parents insisted on maintaining every Oct. 31st than if they would’ve simply altered traditions to suit their Christian family. We’ve dressed our children in matching themes through the years, with our oldest daughter taking leadership in the costuming ideas, and I assure you fear won’t be the memories my children will remember as adults.
        We also had a “sorting” rule when they were young for candy treats before indulging to add a simple math concept. They’ve advanced past that skill, but still enjoy the practice before trading begins, lol
        The idea of Harvest is also easy to adopt during the season.
        Allie Beth Stuckey has a YouTube video of wonderful ideas to celebrate Halloween with a Christian worldview. She interviews her mother and shares her positive childhood memories regarding Halloween. If we lived in a development or neighborhood that accommodated trick-or-treaters, I would consider utilizing her great ideas for community visitors, but we’ll continue serving at our church’s outreach even when our children have outgrown the trick-or-treating tradition.

  21. Hi Lori,
    What do you recommend when an unbelieving husband also hates my family (parents and siblings) so I am forbidden to invite them or talk about ourselves or give much news to them and makes it difficult to visit them. I can visit once a week on my way to work. He thinks my mother is doing witchcraft on us we have unusually bad luck and my kid is ill so I’m not to tell her how things are going.

    1. If she is into witchcraft, your husband is a wise man to keep you away from her. Letting your see her once a week is plenty! Playing around with Satan is not something you want to fool around with.

  22. This is why I was very picky (as should everu woman be) when choosing my husband. His views had to align with mine in all the areas I deemed important. Once that was established, I looked into how he was as a person? Mature? Or is he still playing video games? Clean and well groomed? Or a slob that required a nanny at all times? Would he put mine and our Children’s wants and needs above his wants and needs or would it be the other way around? Marriage is HARD. Submission is HARD. Don’t make it any harder by choosing a man who you cannot imagine submitting to.

  23. I found this post at just the right moment for some jumbled thoughts going on in my head. I am blessed with a wonderful husband who supports, respects, honors and protects me and our two beautiful little boys with his very life. The very least I can do is what God commands and submit in all areas, even when I may not be in 100% agreement with him. I know every decision he makes is for the best interest of all of us, and there have been MANY time where I disagreed with a decision, then came around months or years later…too many times to count. Whenever it happens, I always joke with him, “Wow how’d you get here so soon before me? Sorry for being so slow To arrive.” He’s so patient with me, and truly a treasure to our home. Before we married, I asked the jeweler to put an engraving on the inside of his wedding ring that says, “Your are my gift” alongside our wedding date. I believe it more today than I did when we married almost 10 years ago.

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