Let’s Stop Exalting Singleness
Written by My Husband, Ken, and Me
Many want to build their opinions about marriage on this verse: “For I would that all men were even as I myself” and “I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I” (1 Corinthians 7:7, 8). The Apostle Paul is saying that he wishes all could remain single as he is so they can preach the Gospel, BUT right before this verse, he wrote, “But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.” A few verses after this, however, he wrote, “But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry that to burn.”
We must remember that we should not build a theology based upon a few verses. God created marriage and He said it was good. He created a woman for a man to be his help meet, since it’s not good for the man to be alone. His first command to them was to be fruitful and multiply. One of the main purposes of marriage is to produce godly offspring, as Malachi 2:15 points out so well:
“Did He not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly Offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.”
Can you see how marriage with a husband and wife becoming one with the Spirit inside of them is an example of the Godhead, three in one? Can you see how husband and wife are an example of Christ and His Church? Marriage is a vivid illustration of who God is and what He is doing in birthing a spiritual family who will enjoy eternity with Him forever. If you could sum up almost all of what God is doing with His creation into just a few words you would find that at the heart of it all is family. Look up for yourself how many times in one way or another God says, “and I will be their God and they will be my people” (Jeremiah 7:23; 32:22 &38; Genesis 17:7; Exodus 6:7; Ezekiel 36:28; Isaiah 54:13; 2 Corinthians 6:16; Hebrews 8:8-10; Revelation 21:3).
There is absolutely nothing more important that most of us will be able to do for God in this lifetime than to bear and raise up godly offspring. This is why God commands young widows to marry, bear children, and guide the home (1 Timothy 5:14). He tells young women to love their husbands and children (Titus 2:3-5). Elders and deacons, who are to be our role models in the churches, are to be the husbands of one wife and are to be chosen based on how their children reflect the glory of God which their parents have instilled in them (1 Timothy 3:4, 5). Older widows are to be known for bringing up children (1 Timothy 5:10) and in 1 Timothy 2:15 we are told, “Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.”
The great overwhelming weight of Scripture and practice of the Church shows what God’s will is for most men and women to marry and have children. The command to raise our children in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord should be taken so gravely seriously because we are raising God’s children, not just our own!
This is why I believe that one of the main reasons that God wants women to be keepers at home – raise godly offspring. Some women are given one little talent, another two or three, and some have six to ten little talents running around their home in need of the instruction, discipline, and love they need in order to become godly offspring and a part of the family of God for eternity. God has asked us to be the life-givers and care-takers of His children, not ours. Are you taking seriously the little investments that God has given to you and can you stand before Him some day and give an account for having taken your little babies that nursed on your breasts and gave them all they needed as a foundation to grow up into a full and mature child of God? And great will be the reward of the mothers who have taken seriously this great ministry God has given to them!
Perhaps the greatest ministry of all is now downplayed and set aside by a world bent of self-serving instead of using the talents God has given them. Success, ego, vacations, and 401ks are for too many Christians more important than those little talents God has entrusted to them, mainly because they do not understand the value of their own children. With so many children walking away from the Lord as young adults and having parents squander the talents God has given them, please don’t fall back on the great lie that blames God’s sovereignty. Far too many want to go about violating the very clear precepts of God’s Word then throw up their hands and say, “God’s will be done!” It doesn’t work that way.
We do not understand exactly how God’s sovereignty and man’s responsibility intersect, but when God gives us His will, we are to follow it in order to see His blessings in our lives and the lives of our children. How many times must God tell us that we will give an account of our lives and our works will be judged. Whatever is wood, hay and straw will be burned up, but whatever time, energy and love put into our children, and into all those with whom we come into contact every day as our neighbor, these are the things of gold, silver, and costly stones.
“Every man’s work shall be made manifest: for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man’s work of what sort it is. If any man’s work abide which he hath built thereupon, he shall receive a reward. If any man’s work shall be burned, he shall suffer loss: but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire” (1 Corinthians 3:14-15).
Do you see that these verses are referring to the Christian who was given talents from God and that He expects a return on his investment? It is God’s design for us to marry so we will not burn with passion and to fulfill the intimacy we all long for to be truly one with another who was made to be our perfect complement. That burning desire for sex is what allows mankind to be fruitful and multiply, and for the believer to birth and deliver to the throne of God godly offspring for eternity.
Marriage is God’s design and it is GOOD! Singleness isn’t His design. Yes, it happens even to those who would love to be married because we live in a fallen and imperfect world. There are very few who truly don’t burn, never want to marry, and want to devote their lives to the Lord, so let’s stop exalting singleness as many are doing. Far too many are staying single well into their thirties because they simply do not understand how they fit into God’s plan for creating the family of God. And too many Christian parents are not taking the investments of their children God has given them seriously to deliver to Him someday soon as godly offspring.
Marriage and bearing children take great sacrifice or maybe a better word is investment. Every moment of the day that we invest in our children and even grandchildren, we are multiplying the talents God has given to us and for this, there is a great reward that can only come from a godly marriage and family. Singleness is for a few, but it is marriage and family that accomplishes the plan of God for eternity.
In the fear of the LORD is strong confidence: and his children shall have a place of refuge.
Proverbs 14:26
20 thoughts on “Let’s Stop Exalting Singleness”
Thanks, Lori and Ken, for writing this! The exaltation of “singleness” is a direct result of feminism’s influence on society that has also invaded the churches. Singleness is NOT normal, and the older one gets in that state, the worse it is.
Feminists love singleness because it allows them to be further focused on themselves. It is another rare exception that they try to normalize. Husbands and children are regarded as oppressive and marriage is slavery. Yet, many if not most unmarried people lack a true rest and peace in the absence of a spouse. It is simply something God created most of us to desire and pursue.
I always try to honour married couples and those who are mothers and fathers. The problem is that many want to have their cake and eat it -fornicate when they young, THEN get married or never get married and live in fornication instead- that is the root of the issue.
Excellent point Lori! It smacks of resentment torwards a life of home and family rather than being a “nasty woman”…
I can truly say from witnessing how miserable my Mother is that singleness is nothing to be exalted.Her and my Father divorced when I was a baby. She was married to a second man for less than a year when I was around five years old. My whole life I would hear her say that she didn’t need a husband because they just tie you down and you can’t do what you want when you want. However, now in her sixties she is miserable with loneliness.
I have been married for twenty years and my life is happily full with taking care of my home, husband and children (I homeschool them). From the first day I left home (I’m an only child) my Mother has been miserable with loneliness. She still, after all these years, believes that I should be entertaining her instead of my family. She will get mad when I can’t meet her for lunch and shopping because I’m busy homeschooling my children. Then she will say that she is so glad she is not tied down with a husband and two kids like I am. Having a good marriage is so important for every stage of life. When we are young it is great for multiplying the earth with Godly off spring, when we are old it’s great for companionship.
You’re right about that, Lady Virtue. It was the feminist’s leaders goal to keep women single, not married, and not having children. They called God’s plan for them “bondage” and pursuing their own goals and dreams “freedom” but it hasn’t panned out as promised. Nothing that goes against God’s plan for us will.
Such a sad story, but unfortunately so true for far too many. One wastes their youth chasing the sun only to discover their last years of life are lived in loneliness with regrets, wishing they could have a “do-over.” The only “do-over” we can ever get is when we come to Christ and He makes us brand new. From then on out we must walk in newness of life following His Word and will for our lives. His will is deep and abiding relationships with him first, then our own family, then the family of God. If your Mom had any one of these in her life she would no longer be lonely.
Most don’t see the grave sin and consequences to fornication. They live by the motto, “If it feels good, then it must be good.” We must trust God and His commands. He’s our Creator and is much, much wiser than us.
“The only “do-over” we can ever get is when we come to Christ and He makes us brand new. From then on out we must walk in newness of life following His Word and will for our lives.”
And thankfully, because of our Lord’s grace and mercy, as long as we are breathing, we CAN change our ways to His ways. Unfortunately, up until we do so, we have missed out on many many joys and blessings! What a shame! I missed my opportunity as a younger woman to marry a godly husband and raise my children in the ways of the Lord. So now I pray and advocate for younger women to know and live Gods perfect design for them as wives and mothers. The indoctrination of worldly ways is enormous. And when was the last time any of us heard advocacy for marriage and family from the pulpit in our churches? I cant think of one single occurrence. It’s as though marriage has become a low priority amongst all of the other “lifestyle options” that are out there.
We need to call out this tactic by the enemy for what it is…another plot to destroy family. No matter how “weird” others…even other Christians..think this sounds. There is so much at stake!
Hi there Ken and Lori, I feel so sad for those who desire to marry so badly – however sadly they never meet that one person who wants to marry them.?I think of my Darling Sister-in-law, I can’t imagine no-one wanting to marry her she is so precious; but sadly that has been her lot in life.?I know her heart has been crushed over the years?only now at over 60 she is finally at peace with her life. She has put God as the most important part of her life and God has blessed her with wonderful friends! But still I feel so sad for her, our Johanna sticks close to her and involves her in her life a lot especially since she is now pregnant sending photos of our precious baby Madeline – it has been a joy to watch!❤❤❤
However, it is sad to think she is on her own so far away from us, sadly I know a lot of people both male and female who have had no choice of staying single!?
Love to you both and thank you for sharing!
Jilly???
The joys of singleness, premarital sex, abortion, and family-destroying no-fault divorce were all promoted in the late 1960s by Feminists like Gloria Steinhem and pornographers like Hugh Hefner — some of the most stupid, reckless, and evil people who have ever walked this planet.
Now we see the results: abortion by the billions, young women’s and young men’s lives destroyed by promiscuity and sexual disease, a nation full of divorce-raped children. Misery, misery, misery.
I think the real reason for “celebrating” singleness at all is to hide our shame. No lady actually wants to be single – if she could marry in college or in her 20s she would have jumped at the chance. For some, they may have set their sights too high, rejected nice men because they thought they could do better, others maybe were too timid, or lived in areas without many faithful men. Whatever the reason, it’s far easier to read some book about “celebrating” her singleness and claim she’s “using her gifts” rather than admit no one wanted her – it’s humiliating. She looks around at everyone else, who seem to have found someone so easily, even if they were overweight or had a child out of wedlock, and here she is, so undesirable no one wants her. So rather than just wallow in bitterness and envy, she claims it’s God’s will and she’s celebrating her “season of singleness.”
My church preaches it and actively encourages it.
I can’t imagine how sad and uncomfortable some women must feel if they can’t marry.
@Annie, considering the number of unhappy marriages around me, I would say men being duped by looks and charm has contributed to the singleness of some very lovely single ladies in our community. Why should they feel badly? It is the contentious wife that should feel ashamed.
Many single ministries teach not to make marriage an idol. Some pastors dont want marriages in their congregation this is a fact.
Thank you for this article. This is one of the very few articles that teaches the truth. I was once going to be included as an unwilling single but I found my way through honest Christians. Many are rrally depressed and unhappy. Theres nothing worlse than being asked why you arent married or dont you want any children.
I read a book by Bethany K Scanlon called wheres my mate a christian book that helped
I understand why some Christian women go outside the church to marry as majoritu want to be wives and mothers.
I have been blessed to be a fiance and I thank God every single day at 43 I want to have a family but becuse of erronous vicious lies I may never have had the opportunity to seek God and get married
Thanks again for this article.
We should encourage people to stay “single” rather than fall into sinful relationships and fornication. Singleness and chastity before marriage.
But for women the only options are ultimately a religious life (a religious order, consecrated virginity etc) or for the overwhelming majority marriage and motherhood and that should be the priority not career, study or any other self centred distraction.
If women are godly and God had not provided them with a husband yet, there is NO REASON for them to feel shame. I celebrate singleness because that’s where I am in life and where God had placed me. Why not be joyful in the station in which God has placed me right now? I pray for marriage, but the idea that rejoicing in where God had placed you is really just a cover up for shame and embarrassment is so unloving to the myriads of singles in the church. And if some devote their lives to serve God singlemindedly, is that something to be ashamed of? To spread the Gospel and make God’s name known? There should be no shame in that.
Hi Lori,
I’ve read your blog for a while now, but this is the first time I’ve reached out to you about a post.
I agree wholeheartedly that marriage and family life are not given the respect and honour they should have in western societies today. It breaks my heart to see family breakdown (although in our sinful world separation is sometimes sadly necessary).
However, this post has pained me. I think we need to be careful that we are not encouraging discontent in single people. We are told over and over again in God’s Word that He is our all in all. He supplies our every need, and tells us not to worry. Paul said that he had learned to be content in all things. This is a good thing! I’m not saying that we should exalt singleness above marriage, but neither should we exalt marriage over singleness. Whatever our marital status – we must learn to be content and at peace with where the Lord has placed us. He works all things for our good.
I’m 30 and single. In my mid-twenties I struggled with this. Seeing many of my friends get married and have children was incredibly painful. However, I can now say with my hand on my heart that the Lord has given me so much grace to not only be content, but truly happy in my singleness. Being single has provided me with so many opportunities to serve the Lord and those around me. I can be a help to my sister who is a single mother. I love her children with all my heart, and am so thankful that I am in a position to be a huge part of their lives. I have been able to be involved in children’s ministries at my church. I have been gifted a beautiful, close relationship with my parents, and have been blessed with the most amazing friends and am able to support them through difficult times. If I was married, I would not be able to do many of these things. I do have a career, which I love, and I thank God that He’s given me the ability to support myself financially with a job that I enjoy and that I have the time to foster relationships with my colleagues and share my faith with them.
You may not think that all these things can compare to being a wife and mother, but this is the life that the Lord has given me and I’m so thankful for it. He’s brought me through discontent and sadness and showed me how I can serve BECAUSE of my singleness. Exalting marriage and motherhood over singleness only breeds discontent in single people, many of whom are already struggling with feeling lonely, or inferior, to those who have been blessed with a spouse and children. As Christians, we should be lifting one another up, and encouraging each other to serve and thrive where God has planted us. I think I wouldn’t have struggled for so long if more people had encouraged me like this. Actually, right now, I hope that the Lord keeps me single! Although I realise that I don’t know what He might bring into my life in the future 😉 Please encourage your single readers to thrive in their singleness, and reach out to the Lord for all the grace and strength they need to be content (and thankful!) for the life God has given them 🙂
Thank you for your comment, Sarah. I will link a blog post for the single and barren women. The reason I am promoting marriage and having children is because it is no longer being promoted by hardly anyone anymore as we see marriage and birth rates tank. Most young couples live together before marriage and if they marry, many are not having children. This is NOT God’s will!
It sounds like you are living a life by being “holy in body and spirit” as God commands the unmarried to do and He is using you in mighty ways!
https://thetransformedwife.com/what-about-barren-and-single-women/
There is absolutely no shame in being single. There is so much pressure in the church to marry and this leads to much heartache. How can we encourage earlier marriage while being sensitive to single people? After all, when one marries isn’t something that one can control. I would liked to have married earlier (I married at 28) but it is in God’s timing.