Making It Easy For Your Husband to Not Lust
Written by Trey
It is possible for a Christian man to train himself and his eyes to not look at and lust after another woman but I will tell you the best way that a wife can help her husband to win in this never ending battle. By being obedient to scripture, she actually can make it easy for him to not be tempted to look at and lust after other women. If she is disobedient to the scripture, she makes it much more difficult for him to win this battle. Wives, you were created to be a helper suitable for your husband. Here is one of the primary ways that you were created to help him.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 – The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Proverbs 5:18-19 – May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
A wife should absolutely make it one of her highest priorities to keep her husband 100% sexually satisfied at all times. She should do this by visually pleasing him (your husband takes pleasure in seeing you in various states from all the way clothed to completely naked and every way in between), physically satisfying him (sex in all of its lawful forms), and emotionally nourishing him (your arousal, participation and response). All of these are critical. Your husband should sexually want for absolutely NOTHING…. ever, as long as you are not Providentially deterred (injury, sickness, etc.).
By doing this, you will make winning this battle (against lust) for your husband infinitely easier (almost effortless in most cases). Failing to do your “duty,” will make your husband’s life much more difficult (miserable) and he will be unnecessarily forced to (wastefully) expend energy to win the (never ending) battle against lust that he could be (gainfully) spending on other things, like serving the Lord, ministering to others and loving, caring for and nourishing you and your children.
Wives, you hold the keys to so many of the riches and blessings that can come from a Godly marriage if you will just choose to be obedient and do it.
Ken’s additional comments on this subject:
Trey is speaking of an important Biblical truth that has been lost in many Christian marriages. Regular intimacy two to three times a week is God’s prescription to vaccinate a marriage against infidelity and porn. The gift of a sex drive that God has been given to create closeness between husband and wife is often trampled upon by long hours at work, stress, and the challenges of every day life. For this reason, the spouse who wants sex needs to say so, and the other spouse oblige in as timely a manner as possible, just as God has proscribed.
If a spouse is withholding regular sex, they are living in sin and selfishness; barring injury, sickness or extraordinary circumstance. I am not talking about the occasional headache or “not now honey,” but the regular denial of sex that violates one’s wedding vows to love and serve the other. It’s easy to mistake that such sins only affect the bedroom when in reality they affect all of a marriage and family life. It is true that each spouse must own their own sin, and withholding of sex can never be justification for the sins of fornication by the offended spouse.
But when Christian couples are not doing things God’s ways, Satan can take the stronghold and wreak havoc on a marriage and in turn the entire family. How many children are gravely harmed by a mother who refused to love dad the way she promised she would on her wedding day, or dad who felt betrayed seeking sex elsewhere, only to find that the fleeting moments of sex has destroyed his family?
Thank you, Lord, that even in the midst of our disobedience to the Word, you beckon us to quickly return to your will and ways, and from the ashes of our sins you can and will redeem us! Wife or husband, if you are withholding sex, or into porn, don’t walk, but run to the one you have harmed and beg their forgiveness. Find joy in serving your Lord and in turn honoring Him at His Word. He will then honor you, and not turn his back on you in the day of judgment.
Do not be one of those “christians” who go to church every Sunday arms in the air and singing His praises all the while carrying hidden rebellion in your heart. For sin and Christ are not compatible, and God’s blessings are not derived from sin but from living out righteousness from our love for God.
Choose you this day whom ye will serve; but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.
Joshua 24:15
35 thoughts on “Making It Easy For Your Husband to Not Lust”
It’s the goal if this is what you both want, Michelle. The one who wants it more (which is most often the man, but not always) should get it more since we aren’t to deprive each other.
This is so well said. My suggestion for women who particularly struggle to want intimacy with their husbands is to every once in a while be the person who asks to be intimate. You can make it fun by doing things like flirting with him while you are getting ready for bed. Even if you absolutely don’t feel like it, you serve him in this area and you may find you have a new door of being cherished by him open up to you.
Thanks Lori. I suppose we ought to talk about it. I’m fine with whatever my husband wants. Lately he has been so tired that some (not all 🙂 )of my advances go unheeded and he feels bad about it in the morning. I just don’t want to be physically setting him up for temptations because I don’t push to be intimate enough. I honestly didn’t realize there was an average amount of time per week that it should be done.
Average means most men want it this often but some want it more and some want it less! Have you read TheJoyFilledWife’s article about women with a higher sex drive?
http://lorialexander.blogspot.com/2014/08/women-who-have-higher-sex-drives.html
You are so right, Robin! The more sacrificially we live, the more blessings we reap for we are promised that we reap what we sow.
Great article. I think I read it when it came out but not since. After reading it I think stress in my husband’s life has a lot to do with it. I would not say I have a higher drive but that we don’t have the numbers that it seems others do. The article has gotten me to start thinking of some things I can be doing in order to make things nicer for my dear husband as well.
As a man, I will attest to what Ken and Trey stated. I traveled a notand was home every Friday night to Monday morning sometimes a little less due to foreign travel. We could only have sex once a week. Yet we went without sex for several weeks to months due to my wife’s refusal. This made it hard when I was on the road away from the family and my wife. Lust became a hard thing to fight off daily. Without God who knows what I would have done. What is worse every where you look, on the street, in the restaurants, in the hotel, on the TV, in magazines, anywhere, man could be lured away.
Note, lust is not the only thing. There is jealousy. There comes anger and bitterness. There comes resentment. There comes times where you may ask why am I still going home after a tough week only to be rejected by the one person I chose, and they supposedly chose, to be with and to remain faithful to all of my life. Sex is one of the top major reasons to get married. Look at the rest of 1 Cor 7. Pauls states that it is better for a couple or person to marry instead of continuing in strong desire for each other. (Another reason for young marriage. Too many young people with strong desires for each other yet causing more harm by delaying the marriage or denying the marriage.)
My only suggestion is be WILLING TO BE AVAILABLE to your husband. Do not lock him out for any reason. If you have a hand or two you can still please him while you are having issues elsewhere in your body. Same thing with men, if you have issues that do to allow you to perform, find something else to meet your wife’s needs. But for both, do what is needed to get healthy so you can do the full act and both can be pleased. This took my wife some time to accept and be willing to do for me. Now that I am older and off the road she is willing to meet my needs at least once to twice a week. She has learned that when I am getting more upset with her she needs to do something to soothe me.
You do not limit your love for God with just periodic attendance to church do you? You give Him your all. And if the marriage relationship is like Christ and the Church. The wife like the Church is to give her all to her beloved. There are things for men but that is a separate forum.
I noticed that lusting is not only the husband’s problem, but also the wife’s problem too. For women, the lusting starts in the teen years with the help of teen magazines, which taught them to lust after attractive males.
This is very true. But it works both ways – at least for me. Why do people think it is just men who struggle with lust? Women can struggle with it, too.
I will admit, there have been times in my marriage, especially when my husband was addicted to drugs and not treating me very well, when I withheld sex from him not as a ‘punishment’ as such, but more because I had no interest in being intimate with him. Now, we have sex most days, and both of our needs are met. I find when we don’t do this, my eyes often wander, both online (not porn sites, just on websites I happen to be looking at, such as a model in an ad on a news website or something) and when I see an attractive man in the street or wherever we happen to be. Daily intimacy with my husband sorts that out for me.
Marriages need intimacy as often as possible.
I agree with everything said here. But I have a question. I am usually the one who ALWAYS initiates because I know he needs sex and I am supposed to be his helper. We have 3 small children and when they go to bed the last thing I want to do is become physical because I am tired myself. There has been 2 times now that when I did initiate it, my husband asks me if I really want to or do I just want to for him. I can’t lie to him so I tell him I want to for him. He gets hurt by that response and then doesn’t want to because in his mind “I don’t want him” I then get upset because I don’t know how to make myself desire him when I am tried after taking care of our little boys all day. I told him many husbands would like their wife to have sex with them regardless of the reason, they just want them to have sex with them. I honestly don’t know what to do so I haven’t really even initiated it since then. We have sex about 1 time a week and I know it should be more but I fear him asking that question again.
I don’t know what the *correct* Godly response is here, but for me, I probably would have lied and said I really wanted to do it, if I knew that he would be hurt by my telling the truth. I also would probably not initiate it any more, if that was his response because I would rather not initiate sex than risk upsetting him unnecessarily. I wouldn’t turn him down, but I wouldn’t initiate it, either.
When I had 3 children under 4, I was completely exhausted all the time and I don’t remember EVER initiating sex even once for those few years. I hardly ever refused his advances, but I was always too tired to initiate. My husband knew I was exhausted so he often went out of his way to make me desire him with lots of massages and other foreplay that we both enjoyed, so still had lots of intimacy, but without the pressure.
After having babies, it can sometimes take ages for our hormones to get back to normal, and throw exhaustion into the mix, and it can get messy. I’m of the mind that at that stage of life, with little children, it’s perhaps okay to not initiate sex very often, but to be available as much as possible to our husbands and not turn them down without good reason.
Thank you for response! I see what you are saying and I think that would be a good way to go. I don’t ever tell him no but I think I am going to stop initiating it.
Thank you for the encouragement too’?
I can entirely understand your predicament but equally I know that whatever the circumstances my husband would never want me to initiate.
He always expects that I will go along with it – as I pretty much always do. But he would find it really strange and to be honest distasteful if I was to initiate.
Nicole,
When you say “I am usually the one who ALWAYS initiates because I know he needs sex”, it sounds like you are only taking your husbands “physical” needs into consideration. Men also have emotional needs that are tied to sex.
When I wrote “emotionally nourishing him (your arousal, participation and response)”, I should have also included “desiring him” in that list. Emotionally, husbands want to be sexually desired by our wives. If you really want to take care of all of your husbands sexual needs, you will be as concerned about his emotional needs just as much as you are about his physical needs.
How do you desire your husband more? Your brain (mind) is your most powerful sex organ. If you choose to, (yes it is within your power to choose), you can choose to think about your husband lovingly and sexually throughout the day and work yourself into a state of arousal so when you initiate, if he asks the question, you can answer honestly that you do “want” him and the condition of your body will quickly confirm to him the truth in the words you have spoken. This will not only help to fulfill his emotional need but also enhance the physical pleasure, of you both.
You don’t have to do this every week but you might be surprised at the positive effects that even once or twice a month will produce for you both.
Really? This is too much. Those of us who follow Christ know better than to lower our standards and allow lust into the marriage. We are the gatekeepers who help keep our men worthy. How does this help them control their passions?
Sex is part of life, but it need not be made cheap and sleazy. Keep it modest, ladies – inside the bedroom and out.
Susanne,
I can see why some husbands wouldn’t really want their wife to initiate it. My husband usually likes when I do.
Trey,
I do see your point and I see that my husband has emotional needs as well. There have been times that I have thought about him during the day and and it makes me desire him but when night comes, it seems that sleepiness overtakes what I was feeling for him earlier that day. I have explained this too him and we both find that I am more “into” it during the weekend while our boys are down for a nap. I really do want to be a good wife and please him emotionally too! I have been praying that the Lord will help me with this! I know it is selfishness. I am going to try what you have suggested though!
Thank you so much for answering!
Stephanie P,
I wish I understood better what you are trying to say. Too Much? What is too much?
“Lower your standards to allow lust into the marriage”? What does that even mean? A husband lusting for his wife is called “Holy Desire” and is beautiful in God’s sight since God created sex for marriage and gave that desire to the husband to begin with.
“We are the gatekeepers who help keep our men worthy”? Where in the Bible does it instruct you to keep a gate? When is comes to sex and your body there is NO gate to your husband. (1 Corinthians 7:4) What exactly do you think you are keeping your man worthy of? Please show me in Gods word where you have been given this instruction. How has Satan deceived you with such thoughts?
“How does this help them control their passions?” God gave men sexual needs and desires and part of the reason that He gave them wives is to satisfy those needs and desires but wives need to understand them to be able to effectively minister to their husbands and satisfy those needs and desires. When those needs and desires are kept satisfied, passions are easily controlled. This is exactly the way God intended for it to be. It is part of His PERFECT plan and design for marriage. This is the whole point of this post.
Sex is a KEY part of marriage and nothing about sex within marriage is cheap or sleazy. Are you really calling what God created “cheap and sleazy”? If you feel that way then your thinking is wrong and you need to pray that God will open your eyes to His truth on the matter so that you can repent dear sister.
Keep it “modest inside the bedroom”? There is no such thing as immodestly within marriage inside the bedroom. God made the female body for the man to experience and enjoy. 1 Corinthians 7:4 tells you that you do not have authority over your body but your husband does. Every inch of your body is to be experienced and enjoyed by your husband… in sight, smell, taste and touch. Your breasts are to satisfy him always and he is to be ravished always (as in continuously to his hearts desire) by your love. (Proverbs 5:19)
I have a question in light of this discussion – the Scriptures referred to also speak of mutuality in this wife-husband relationship and husbands are exhorted into ‘loving their wives as Christ loved the church.’ Where do you see such an article as sitting with this Scripture and the role of the husband in all this?
I also have a question – my husband often comments on the beauty of other women – this I feel is hurtful because I always make a great effort both to look beautiful for him and to satisfy his needs at any time. I’m completely in love with him and never mention or look at other men, not even on the television. He however thinks it is fine to tell me other women are beautiful even though he knows it hurts me and makes me feel as though I am not enough. How can I pray for him to see what he is doing is damaging our closeness? I feel he is not being sensitive but I don’t think he does it to be cruel. He’s thoughtless. I feel that he has cheapened the word beautiful by using it for every attractive woman he sees. Now when he says it about me I think of all the other women he calls beautiful and I feel as though I am not special or enough.
Don’t allow it to bother you. Simply respond to him when he points out a beautiful woman, “Yes, she is.” Most men notice beautiful women, even women will notice other beautiful women. Noticing other beautiful people is not a sin. Find your security and worth in the Lord! He says you are valued and worthy, then learn contentment for godliness with contentment is great gain. Your husband will find you much more beautiful if you work on this, along with having a meek and quiet spirit. Jealousy makes a woman very unattractive.
I can tell you that sex 2-3 times a week is most definitely not a vaccination against porn. I was a faithful wife and had sex with my husband every 2-3 days without fail (except when menstruating or post-partum, and even then I resumed sex before my body had healed & dealt with the pain so my husband would be satisfied) for nigh on 18 years. He was never satisfied and complained it wasn’t good enough. I was an active participant and we employed a variety of sexual activities. A year ago I find he has been watching porn off and on during our entire marriage. He said he would stop only if I promised to meet all his sexual needs. Now how am I supposed to do that?! If sacrificing myself over and over for him did not fill that empty hole that he’s trying to use porn to fill, nothing I do now will. Only God can fill that deep need. And I’m not bartering with sin. His sin is his and I am not responsible for it, and I owe it nothing. He is unrepentant and does not consider the porn sin. So I have said I will not share our marriage bed with porn. And by so denying him my body I am actually upholding my marriage vows.
Blessed, you are very wise. I love your response. I pray your husband is now repentant and is seeking reconciliation, restoration, and rebuilding trust. If he’s not, I pray you are standing strong and have found a solid group of women who will walk alongside you.
It’s beautiful how the woman created for the man! Women serving, comforting and submitting completely to a man and fulfilling his sexual needs is glorious.
Blessed, your husband will never be satisfied with sex with you if he is watching porn. My marriage is currently mending from my husband’s porn addiction. Porn affects their minds AND their bodies. And you are exactly right- regular sex doesn’t safeguard your marriage from porn. I never deny sex to my husband, yet I found myself in a sexless marriage after 22 years because my husband preferred porn to real sex.
Anyone who thinks that their marriage is safe from porn addiction b/c they are having sex with their husband is fooling themselves.
I am with you- I won’t share my marriage bed with porn.
No, it’s not a guarantee but there’s a LOT better chance of not losing one’s husband to porn if a wife is not depriving him on a continual basis. This is why God’s Word tells us not to deprive our husbands…because of lack of self-control. If God tells us this is a safeguard, then it is in most cases.
This is great, except when your spouse is addicted to porn and doesn’t want anything to do with you physically. It’s heartbreaking and never gets easier. Lived 22 years with someone who hardly touches me or wants sex. I feel very unattractive even though most people think I’m very attractive. God is getting the glory for keeping us together. He gets the victory!!
I really resonate with this and appreciate this! Are there any thoughts on what I can do since my boyfriend and I aren’t married yet? We’ve been together 4 years and talking about getting married but he recently admitted to having lust issues (not with porn but when he sees people in person). I can’t meet his needs physically as we’re not married, but I want to do what I can. I’d say this has been an issue that has delayed us from getting married and has been a wall between us.
Most young men have a problem with lust issues, Kallayah, and this is why the Apostle Paul told us that it is better to marry than to burn! Sure, marriage doesn’t take away a man’s lustful thoughts but it does give him an avenue to be able to fill his sexual needs.
I am an attractive 50 year old woman married to a man for 22 years . His disinterest in sex stems from his self pleasuring. He looks lustfully and acts on
that lust no matter how attractive or eager I am. I have tried to build him up, love and praise him, be his friend and lover. He is happy to be on his own emotionally and sexually. It’s easier not to deal in reality. These articles are helpful for women who need to consider their husband’s needs, but for someone married to a porn addict. It’s not going to change unless his heart is ready.
I regularly read this website and find many helpful insights about marriage dynamics here……. just my two cents worth, married 32 years and love my wife, unfortunately a sexless one for about 3 years, I believe she went through serious change in this area due to menopause. Men should never allow for excuses to defile themselves no matter the issue….. for me , I’ll love her unconditionally forever as I promised . Men should divert their sexual energy into fulfilling endeavors, I did and do and have grown so much as a man…… I do get sad and lonely at times, but I regroup in my mind, capture my thoughts and focus on my project …. we are instructed to do that in scripture…..men you can do this, instead of a affair or porn, build a boat …. or something, use your mind and hands to make you a better man, just a male viewpoint
My husband has been involved in porn and masterbation and Lust for years. He had these problems before we were married. We’ve been to counseling. He’s stayed at a facility in KY for 7 months to get beyond this. He has noticeably grown closer to God. But he still lusts, even in front of me. He has admitted that he has had sex with me and fantacized about other women. I love him and I want to help him overcome this. Should I still submit to his desires for sex even though I know he may just be using my body?
If you’re his wife, he’s not using your body.
So I should continue to have sex with him even though he has admitted to me that he has had sex with me while thinking of other women? If this is Biblical, I can do it. But I admit that would be hard for me to feel like I’m only being used. I don’t understand.
You aren’t responsible for his sin, only yours. God commands that you not deprive your husband so don’t!
It is difficult for me to understand some of the thinking I see and hear.
I LOVE & Lust, but only for my wife! I love this woman and our family and just can not see myself being unfaithful to her. I share these thoughts with her frequently. It’s one thing for me to know them, but I want her to know how much I love her and still desire her after 17 years!