Many Women Seem to Enjoy Tearing Down Other Women’s Marriages

Many Women Seem to Enjoy Tearing Down Other Women’s Marriages

Why do many women seem so ready and willing to tell other women what their husbands are doing wrong, thus trying to tear their marriage apart? Why aren’t women more willing to encourage women in their marriages and build them up instead?

On a post a few weeks ago, a woman made the following comment:

“My husband likes to have a quiet dinner where he can discuss his day, etc. in a relaxed atmosphere without interruptions due to people talking over him. I know many wives who just start talking and going on and on as soon as their husbands walk through the door. This is not a peaceful environment.

“So, for our family, and as a sign of my submission to him, we have an unwritten rule that he is the only one allowed to talk at the dinner table, unless he addresses or asks me or one of the kids a direct question. This way he can talk uninterrupted and we can attentively listen. If I do talk too much on occasion, he will tell me gently, ‘That’s it; end it’ and I know that is my cue to be quiet and listen.

“I know this is not a requirement because the Bible only directs women to be silent in churches/gatherings, but it has led to peaceful quiet dinners and it’s what works for our family.”

MANY women commented under her comment telling her that her husband was wrong, she was being abused, and he was being cruel and unreasonable. They seemed determined to destroy her marriage and speak evil about her husband. I didn’t publish any of these comments since our goal, as Christian woman, should be to want to build marriages up, NOT tear them down.

The woman who wrote this comment said nothing about her husband being wrong. She said nothing about being or feeling abused and she said nothing about her husband being cruel. She sounds like a woman who honors and respects her husband. She isn’t trying to change him but trying to please him instead.

Her husband isn’t asking her to sin. He is simply asking for a peaceful and quiet home. He understands that most women’s nature is to talk A LOT and he doesn’t want this. She has submitted to his leadership and sees that it has produced good fruit. God commands women to have meek and quiet spirits for a very good reason!

“Be swift to hear, slow to speak” (James 1:19). This is a good verse for many of us to memorize. It’s important for us to learn to listen, not interrupt others, and most importantly, obey our husbands, even if they want us to be quiet. Instead of trying to tear apart this woman’s marriage, women should have been encouraging and praising her for her example of submission to all of us even when it isn’t easy.

Speak evil of no man, to be no brawlers, but gentle, shewing all meekness unto all men.
Titus 3:2

47 thoughts on “Many Women Seem to Enjoy Tearing Down Other Women’s Marriages

  1. They’re being bitter naysayers who are actually jealous of a strong and devoted marriage where both partners are in their rightful roles and not in competition to be the man!

  2. Wow crazy, I would advise anyone who left a nasty comment to check their heart. There is no abuse here whatsoever. Every family is different and submission looks different in each marriage. There isn’t anything unbiblical here either.

  3. Listening is a lost art! We had a very good pastor who counseled us before we got married. He asked us each what we thought “communication” in marriage meant. Of course, we both said “talking about things”. Since we both said talking, the pastor then asked us who would be listening if we were both talking? (smiles!) While we all got a chuckle out of that, it really was a serious piece of advice. Listening is a big part of communication! If you are lucky enough to have a husband who wants to tell you about his day during dinner, be his best listener and sounding board!

  4. this comes as no surprise. I have faced this in my own life. in my case, my mother tried to tear down my marriage/life. she did this w/my sister and sis ended a 20 yr marriage. needless to say, I have distanced myself in order to be a good wife/mom. I have no idea why a mother would want to tear down her childs marriage. or why it seems many older women will not mind their own business if they have nothing positive to contribute. this happened all while mom claims to be a Christian. this is the result of false teaching in American churches, I believe. thanks for your writings. your site has been most helpful.

    1. Your story and mine are very similar. I believe this is something that needs to be discussed more in these forums: when mothers do not support their daughters’ decision to submit as the Word calls us to do.

        1. I too am grateful for your site Lori. I follow you on Instagram too and love going there daily just to see what wisdom you have to share. I’m in the same camp of those women whose mother claims to be a Christian but lives the opposite of it. She can’t stand my husband and how I submit to God by submitting to him. She tells people he brainwashed me 🙁

      1. I’ll third that, both my earthly mother and MIL stalker slandered called CPS on me do witchcraft and hunt me and my family like animals because we obey Jesus Christ and I left career to help my husband. I find older women whether they say they are Christian or not are often spiteful, controlling and rebellious. Their men have left them unchecked and they do real harm without any reproof. I find it remarkable that they are never rebuked.

        1. I think that very sadly many women in our parents generation were victims of strongly feminist indoctrination in their youth – hence the horrific number of divorces.

          Definitely many of us are far far more conservative on matters of gender and Godly womanhood than our mothers – which is a good thing but can cause a range of issues.

  5. What I tell my daughter:

    “If you want your husband to talk with you:

    1. Let him start a sentence occasionally

    2. When he starts a sentence, let him finish it

    3. Don’t punish him if he fails to say exactly what you want to hear, exactly the way you want him to say it.”

  6. Thank you for not publishing those comments Lori. I very much enjoy the uplifting spirit of most of the commenters you publish here on your blog.

  7. It takes a VERY brave man to tell his wife when she is talking too much. But this, yes even this is an act of LOVE.

    We live in a culture where a group of women can’t have a conversation with one another without interrupting each other (to tell their own experience, opinion, etc). Try to watch The View and you will be dizzy by about 3 minutes in (or less!) But if we listen, we can actually learn something. It took me a long time and some hard “looking inward” to understand how damaging this is to all relationships, but especially those in our home. I grew up in a home where you were never NOT interrupted while speaking. I learned the hard way as a new wife 9 years ago that when a hard working man returns home from a day’s work, he wants to REST. He wants to come to a home to peace, quiet, cleanliness and order. For some men, that means conversation. For others, it means silence. Whatever it means for our husbands, we need to honor it, and encourage a sister who is brave enough to share the way her home operates, even probably knowing that she would receive backlash. Bless you, sister and may the Lord continue to bring peace and joy into your home, as I am certain he has done thus far.

  8. I think she’s brilliant. My husband has lamented many times that it’s hard for him to even have a conversation with me sometimes at the table and throughout the day. Our kids are 7 down to 3 and are still needing help with things. I’ll see how we can implement something similar. I’m sure my husband would be so relieved and more relaxed at home knowing he has our attention and respect!

  9. Ah, the whisperers who love to sow discontent! “He’s being unreasonable. You don’t deserve this. Why do you stand for it? That’s terrible. He needs a wakeup call. He should appreciate you more.” It is a great contrast between the women in my neighborhood–generally kind, lovely ladies–who enjoy putting down their husbands and supporting each other in doing so, and the women in my church who speak well of their husbands or not at all.

  10. My husband is actually a little bit the same with the dinner table. Not as strict, but he does like quiet and for him to be able to speak. I was not as brave as that lady, though, and don’t admit it to many people, because of the prevailing attitude that it is wrong for us to obey our husbands in a matter such as that. I am shocked that even on a blog like this, that the same attitude prevailed.
    There was absolutely nothing in that woman’s comment to suggest any type of abuse whatsoever.
    You are so right Lori, we women need to be encouraging each other in our marriages. Sadly, it’s not men who tear us down in our marriages. It’s our fellow women.

  11. I wholeheartedly agree. It’s whatever works for every individual family. Would love some words of encouragement, though: I often get a lot of criticism when I share with nonbelieving friends about my husband’s “talking ball.” Sort of like what they use in elementary school classrooms. My kids (7, 11, 17) and I are not allowed to speak unless my husband passes us the ball. I know it sounds a bit silly but I trust him to be fair and loving. We don’t do this at night, either, but most of the day. I think we should all be more supportive of each other and our decisions!

    1. How awesome, has your kids adapted well to this? Submission looks different in every family, God bless sister.

    2. Tay M – If I was in your situation, I would simply not share about your family dynamics (talking ball) with unbelievers. In my experience, even believers sometimes think a woman’s submission is abuse and they will sow seeds of discontent and doubt and you may come to resent your husband. Choosing to be quiet is not something the world understands. If you and your husband are both happy with the way you live out your submission, it isn’t anyone else’s business. It certainly doesn’t sound like he’s asking you to sin (or even do anything unreasonable) and I am greatly inspired and encouraged by the bravery you show in sharing how you honour your husband.

      1. Thanks all. I appreciate you taking the time to send me some needed encouragement. Lori, I agree! Kevin, the younger two struggle a bit as they are kids and naturally talkative and though I do not mind our “system” I am worried about them. My oldest is typically quiet regardless so it hasn’t been too much of an adjustment — although she complains a little, and I’m worried that she is a bit too rebellious for her own good (she got a perfect score on the SAT, and though we are very proud, this has gotten to her head and she thinks she is “too smart” to be a housewife… but that is a story for another day). I may just follow your advice, Kak, and keep family business private when it comes to nonbelievers. I wish I could speak more freely but people resent what they do not understand. That is why I find so much solace in this blog.

        1. I’m sure the younger ones will adjust, the oldest is concerning. Respecting authority has to be established. Discipline is very important as well. Since when is being a housewife considered to be for dumb women? Big fear of mine is raising kids in a godly way and they still turn from the faith. God bless sister.

  12. Today’s unregenerate woman is a clamorous glory-hog that cannot imagine enduring a moment of only being seen and not heard. This busy body gads abroad on social media, by phone and in person, minding everything but what God has called her to. She’s quick to speak her mind always, rather than listening to other people’s perspectives and dare I say, perhaps even learning from them.

    However, the thing that stirred up the opprobrium that you so graciously shielded us from is three fold: first, the original commenter acknowledged that her husband has a preference i.e. he would like to enjoy some silence when he gets home from work. Feminists do not allow men to have preferences. Only women can have preferences. If men are allowed preferences, soon they will start preferring debt free virgins who have no tattoos and who knows what else they will prefer next? A clean home, well behaved children, delicious and nutritious meals, a vibrant marriage bed??? God forbid!!! So NO PREFERENCES for men.

    Secondly, the original commenter demonstrated that not only does she take zero issue with her husband’s preference, she endeavours to give him what he wants and all the feminists cry…booooo because their prideful hearts seethe at the thought of a wife looking to please her husband. Why, she’s letting team woman down. What about all the feminists of old who laid down their dignity, their fertility and their eternal life so that wives today can defy their husbands? She’s being ungrateful by obeying God and her husband.

    Thirdly and most egregious is that the husband in question gently prompts his wife to be quiet when she talks more than he deems appropriate. How dare he tell her what to do? Feminists are a law unto themselves and they answer to no one, least of all a husband. That is abusive in their books because women know better than men from a feminist perspective. They prefer a cowering passive husband who prefers nothing, and puts up with their selfishness. They are quick to point out that husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loves the church, but don’t let husbands wash their wives with the water of the Word, that is out of order!!! (See also 1 Peter 3:4-5 Your adornment must not be merely external–braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.)

    Thank you Lori for always encouraging every woman to submit to her OWN husband. Naturally, whereas every wife’s heart attitude ought to be the same i.e. submissive, it’s obvious that the practical outworking of submission for every wife will be as diverse as there are husbands. Just because one woman’s husband requires something different from her compared to another, is not tantamount to abuse. For example I am not on Facebook, Twitter or other forms of social media because my husband is of the view that my day is too busy. My husband also likes to know which blogs and books I read and often recommends books for me to read because he takes responsibility for my spiritual growth and likes to protect me from spiritual falsehoods. I am definitely a much better Christian for being married to my husband because he takes the time to point out areas in my life that need amendment and no I am not abused. Also, my husband grew up in a broken and unhappy home that was largely silent/quarrelsome with a distant unapproachable father so he longed for a cheerful home and a close relationship with his children. He purposed to marry a “happy” girl. I know how much this means to him so I don’t have mood swings, raise my voice at him or give him the silent treatment ever. I quell tantrums in the children and teach them Proverbs 15:1. I speak highly of my husband to our children and everyone else and make provision in the week for family bonding activities. My husband and children are very close which makes him so glad. We pray and sing together in our home and even in times of trial, I do my best to cheer everyone up because my husband prefers a happy atmosphere in the home. He calls me his MVP because I delight in doing what he wants which is my God given calling.

    Let me urge all wives to be lifelong students of their husbands. Get to know what he wants and what his likes and dislikes are and don’t listen to detractors because you will give an account to God for your submission to your own husband.

    1. Mother Dearest,
      Wow, what a great comment. Would you be OK if I reposted your comment on my blog?

      The original post is also great, and Lori shows a great deal of wisdom, in this foolish age.

    2. “Let me urge all wives to be lifelong students of their husbands.”

      An Eve to your Adam. Great post, and great ending. Your husband is blessed on Earth. Your treasure is great in Heaven.

  13. Part of the reason many of us men are skeptical about getting married. We know many gossipy women have far too much influence over the women we would like to marry, and we aren’t keen on marrying her gossipy housewife friends as well.

    Better to remain single, with a God who never changes, and isn’t co scantly introducing discord and strife in the home.

    There are many Godly women, but, they are a rarity in America. The vast majority of American women don’t understand submission to God.

  14. I am much of this same mind, except for me, it’s mornings. My wife wakes up with her mouth in 5th gear, at 5000 RPM. All I’ve asked for is a half-hour to come out of my REM state before starting her verbal assault. You’d think I threatened to beat her with a bat! What’s up with that?

  15. Respecting your husband and other people’s “advice “. – What I see is a problem in this area is also that many women don’t build their marriage with their husband, in conversation, listening, telling each other about your goals, feelings etc., talking about problems and going together through harder times, discussing the solution. Instead, many women go to their moms or friends and discuss their marriage with them not with their husband. And moms or friends give then instruction how she should behave towards her husband. I’m not talking here about godly women who have good, long marriages but about complaining about your husband to some friend and letting them tell you what actions you should do in your relation with your husband.
    Hey, we’ve chosen our husbands, we love them, we want to love them till the end of our lives so the best and the easiest thing is to build the marriage on the terms of the two people, not anyone else (not speaking about sinful ideas here, just about personal preferences in different subjects like quiet dinner from the article). I think it’s important.
    Thank you, Lori, for being here for us! 🙂

  16. Another point is that this wife’s excessive talking as determined by her husband may be a symptom of a deeper imbalance and her husband command is bringing her back into balance. For example, on some occasion my wife will try to control me. not in a domineering way, but where all her statememts to me become commands to do something. Recently I began firmly telling her to “stop controlling me”. She stopped but surprisingly her voice and demeanor softened as well. It became clear that these “episodes” were also periods of anxiety and my words helped her to remember to trust God by resting in her husband’s leadership.

  17. I am the original poster and I had no idea my comment was going to be used for such conversation on Facebook. Without breaching my privacy, I’ll clear up some of the misconceptions and provide a few more details. For one, I am not a “Chatty Cathy “ type. I am not one who typically over talks in any circumstance — at work, among friends etc. I am one of the more quiet ones. My husband just prefers that I remain quiet most of the time. Particularly at the dinner table, but even at other time I yield to him.

    I do work— because as a helpmeet to my husband this is what is required of me. I do so without complaint. I get home before he does and start the dinner and get everything ready before he gets home. But even in working I can be submissive to him— my paycheck is direct deposited into the bank. My husband handles all of the finances — I do not carry a credit card, have access to bank accounts, nor have a debit card. I am given an allowance each week— $10-20 per week that I can spend on myself. It was hard at first , but I have learned to be content and not complain. I know many will hard to find this to be true, but it all is. I do not mention this to most people because they would not understand. In some ways I do feel beat down, and less than, but I’ve come to accept that this is what I am called to do and all I deserve as a sinner (although saved by grace)

    1. You are storing your treasures in heaven, KR. If all men were perfect and good husbands, than God wouldn’t have had to write 1 Peter 3:1-6 and even 1 Peter 2 but there are more difficult husbands to be married to and God’s prescription to women married to men like this is to be in subjection to them without the word and with godly behavior. As you obey your husband, you are obeying the Lord and this is all that matters in the end!

      1. I’m not sure what you mean being married to a difficult man? My husband is a Godly believer, active in our church and a role model.
        Just because I am under his control in most things does not make him a bad husband. He is a hard worker, a good father.

        1. I didn’t say you were married to a difficult man, KR, but many would think that you are married to a more difficult man than others. You wrote this yourself: “In some ways I do feel beat down, and less than…” I assumed this was the due to the way your husband treated you. Difficult doesn’t mean bad and I am glad you clarified for all of us how you feel about him.

    2. My dear sister KR, thank you for sharing this about your life. You are a great encouragement to me and to many more wives I am sure. In a me-centered world, you are a “rara avis”. Please be encouraged and uplifted, knowing that if our husbands were exactly as we would have them all the time, we would have no opportunity to grow in Christlikeness. When the temptation for self pity rises, remember “For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly. For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God.” (1 Peter 2:19, NASB)

      Much love and many blessings.

  18. I have NEVER shared anything about my marriage with “friends” or my mother. Not only have I always felt it inappropriate, but honestly, I’ve never found another female to be trustworthy whenever I’ve “shared” about other things. (Including my mother unfortunately).
    I know that sounds terrible to say about fellow females..but it’s just been my experience.
    But the “world” brainwashes us to think we should be sharing our “feelings”, and going to therapy and on and on ad nauseum. It’s all part of the obsession with “self”

    I keep my mouth shut. My loyalty is to my husband!

    And regarding the topic of this original post, the woman who wrote that post did not in any way seem to be complaining or lamenting. She seemed to be sharing something that “works” in her marriage.

  19. For what it’s worth, some other thoughts on marriage and submission.
    I did not submit to the Lord and become a Christian until 7 years ago. Up until that time I did every single thing you would expect a “hip, worldly, independent woman” would do.

    I “had it all”….and I was MISERABLE!

    I was living a life in complete rebellion of Gods perfect design for women.

    Finally, the pain became so great I fell to my knees in complete submission to our loving Father.
    I repented of my awful awful ways as a “woman of the world”
    During my journey I asked the Lord for another chance, some day, in HIS WILL to be a godly wife! I honestly had not known any thing about what that meant before!
    I studied scripture and learned it was going to require submission to a husband to have a real and true marriage. I studied, I prayed. I committed to doing it Gods way!! (And nothing about my “old self” knew any thing about submission!)
    It’s a long (and beautiful) story, but the Lord blessed me with a godly husband. The Lord is so good and so loving and forgiving…He blessed me with a godly husband. So I do it HIS way…but I had to learn how. At first I had to consciously think about “allowing” every little thing. I “allow” my husband to open doors, help me out of the car, pay for everything, make decisions about where we live, make decisions about everything( which is a relief, btw)
    Etc. etc
    It seemed so awkward at first. I had many many years of conditioning against all that.
    It has been so worth it!
    If we really think about it, most things we women want our way about are of no real significance any way. Our husbands WANT to be husbands!

    God’s ways are perfect!

  20. I didn’t like that lady’s comment because it would make me sad if my husband forbade me to talk. He comes home from work and wants to know about our day and what the kids are up to.
    That doesn’t mean what that man is doing is wrong (though it seems a bit extreme to me) but there’s no need to leave a nasty comment about it, especially since the lady never said she disagreed or didn’t like it.

  21. I think I understand both sides. However, one is clearly flawed, simply from lack of knowledge. What this lady is doing is admirable. Most wives could learn from her example. However for me, if my husband told me to stop talking the way her husband did, I’d feel hurt. It all depends on the overall nature of their relationship. And the tone of voice used on both sides. He could be a very loving husband and father. And very good to his wife. And he could of used his words in a loving tone of voice. We just don’t know. However if he was angry, unloving towards her, mistreated her etc I’d tell her counsel/mentoring is needed. It’s foolish to get angry over a situation you know little or nothing about.

  22. Unless a wife is at risk of abuse, others marriage is none of your business! What works for one doesn’t work for others. Pretty simple, really

  23. And here I was admiring her husband for taking charge! Not in an aggressive way, but “gently”, as the commentor wrote. I think it takes a man strong in the Lord who knows to lead his house, and leads it with gentle authority. This speaks as such truth in my heart and is so attractive to see in a relationship where it’s allowed to take root. And what a wise woman who will allow her man to lead. I’m not perfect at it and am working on it, as I have seen the fruit, myself! Some men were not raised to lead this way but if as a wives we can show them our submission, watch how God provides the rest. 🙂 God’s ways are always best! Thanks again Lori for shining some light!

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