Become Lifelong Students of Your Husbands

Become Lifelong Students of Your Husbands

Once in a while, a wise man or a woman will make an incredible comment on one of my posts which deserve a post of their own and this is one of them. This comment from “Mother Dearest” is from my post Many Women Seem to Enjoy Tearing Down Other Women’s Marriages. Enjoy!

Today’s unregenerate woman is a clamorous glory-hog that cannot imagine enduring a moment of only being seen and not heard. This busy body gads abroad on social media, by phone, and in person, minding everything but what God has called her to do. She’s quick to speak her mind always, rather than listening to other people’s perspectives and dare I say, perhaps even learning from them.

However, the thing that stirred up the opprobrium that you so graciously shielded us from is three-fold: first, the original commenter acknowledged that her husband has a preference, i.e. he would like to enjoy some silence when he gets home from work. Feminists do not allow men to have preferences. Only women can have preferences. If men are allowed preferences, soon they will start preferring debt free virgins who have no tattoos and who knows what else they will prefer next? A clean home, well behaved children, delicious and nutritious meals, and a vibrant marriage bed??? God forbid!!! So NO PREFERENCES for men.

Secondly, the original commenter demonstrated that not only does she take zero issue with her husband’s preference, she endeavors to give him what he wants and all the feminists cry, “Boo!” because their prideful hearts seethe at the thought of a wife looking to please her husband. Why, she’s letting team woman down! What about all the feminists of old who laid down their dignity, their fertility and their eternal life, so that wives today can defy their husbands? She’s being ungrateful by obeying God and her husband.

Thirdly, and most egregious, is that the husband in question gently prompts his wife to be quiet when she talks more than he deems appropriate. How dare he tell her what to do? Feminists are a law unto themselves and they answer to no one, least of all a husband. That is abusive in their books because women know better than men from a feminist perspective. They prefer a cowering passive husband who prefers nothing, and puts up with their selfishness. They are quick to point out that husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loves the church, but don’t let husbands wash their wives with the water of the Word; that is out of order!!! (See also 1 Peter 3:4-5: Your adornment must not be merely external–braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.)

Thank you, Lori, for always encouraging every woman to submit to her OWN husband. Naturally, whereas every wife’s heart attitude ought to be the same i.e. submissive, it’s obvious that the practical outworking of submission for every wife will be as diverse as there are husbands. Just because one woman’s husband requires something different from her compared to another is not tantamount to abuse.

For example, I am not on Facebook, Twitter, or other forms of social media because my husband is of the view that my day is too busy. My husband also likes to know which blogs and books I read and often recommends books for me to read because he takes responsibility for my spiritual growth and likes to protect me from spiritual falsehoods. I am definitely a much better Christian for being married to my husband because he takes the time to point out areas in my life that need amendment and no, I am not abused.

Also, my husband grew up in a broken and unhappy home that was largely silent/quarrelsome with a distant unapproachable father so he longed for a cheerful home and a close relationship with his children. He purposed to marry a “happy” girl. I know how much this means to him so I don’t have mood swings, raise my voice at him, or give him the silent treatment ever. I quell tantrums in the children and teach them Proverbs 15:1. I speak highly of my husband to our children and everyone else and make provision in the week for family bonding activities.

My husband and children are very close which makes him so glad. We pray and sing together in our home and even in times of trial, I do my best to cheer everyone up because my husband prefers a happy atmosphere in the home. He calls me his MVP because I delight in doing what he wants which is my God given calling.

Let me urge all wives to be lifelong students of their husbands. Get to know what he wants and what his likes and dislikes are and don’t listen to detractors because you will give an account to God for your submission to your own husband.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
Proverbs 31:11

41 thoughts on “Become Lifelong Students of Your Husbands

  1. Thank you for sharing Lori! This is such an inspiration to me. God’s ways are truly best. I love reading your blog because I know it will rebuke me where I need to be rebuked but then build me back up with the truth. I’ve been struggling to honor my husband…it’s like I’m putting his weaknesses under a magnifying glass and Satan is fanning the flames. There’s many things about our marriage that I wish were different but I can only change myself. I’m currently writing a list of everything about him that I respect so that I can focus on those things instead of his weaknesses.

  2. I’m from the South and it’s almost as if women are trained to henpeck their husbands. I was taught this by my mother, grandmother, and aunt by example. I don’t know why this happens because it not only makes the men feel depressed it also depresses the women. I try not to do that, however, I don’t know how to get things across without henpecking. For example, my husband will never take out the trash unless I ask him. And I’m an extremely headstrong, dominant personality and he is not really a leader or teacher type. He is more the engineering type. I love my husband and we have a great relationship though I could be ‘nicer’. Any words of wisdom?

  3. Love reading about the spiritual leadership this man is taking in his home! Blessings and thank you for sharing.

  4. For example, my husband will never take out the trash unless I ask him. … Any words of wisdom?

    Yes, take out the trash yourself if you are physically able, or assign a child to do it. Taking out the trash is a domestic chore. “Women’s Work!” Most men grew up that way, or know it instinctively, and might find the task emasculating and even insulting. While they may choose to help their wife when asked, mentally they don’t want to accept they’ve been relegated the lowly role of house janitor instead of being honored in their own home. Why cause this friction in your marriage over such a simple domestic task that you or a child could do as something for your husband, who likely already works his God given role outside the home for the family.

    … he is not really a leader …

    Perhaps, if you would reverence him as leader, and ask him to lead, instead of always asking him to be your janitorial servant, and even explained to him that you were not going to ask him to serve you any longer, but were instead wanting him to lead you, you might be pleasantly surprised that he will step up and do that part off his role also when the roles are more correctly and suitably laid out, and there is not the contention over whose God given role is the leadership role and whose role is the helper. No man want’s to be the captain of a mutinous ship. If you act more excited and grateful to follow his leadership, he may feel more confident to do the role. If he doesn’t have a strong desire to control you, it may only take a little criticism or push back against his leadership to make him give up on being your leader. You may need to reassure him that you will not be doing that, and quit it, if you have been critical of his leadership in the past.

  5. I just take out the trash myself. I expected my husband to when we got married because my father always did. When I asked him why he didn’t take out the trash my husband looked at me like “Are you handicapped?!” So I have taken it out for over 20 years and it isn’t so bad. In fact, right now we don’t have trash service so I have to take it to a dumpster. Sometimes I look forward to taking it out so I can stop at the thrift store etc.

  6. I feel blessed by your articles, definitely; I’ve just come to realize that I desire children more than I desire marriage. I’ve had childlike dreams of marriage for awhile now, but coming to terms with the adult realities marriage comes with has kind of halted my dreams.

    The marriage bed is very important to men, (I now understand from multiple guys on this blog who’ve said how much their defrauding wives hurt them) but how are modest unwed virgins, who are commanded to “flee fornication”, supposed to jump into the marriage bed with glee, all within one 24 hour wedding day? A lifetime of chastity is exchanged for a lifetime of “Yes, sir!” Evil becomes good within literal seconds! How does one even prepare for something like that? (I have other problems with marriage but this is the main one for sure!) I’m not ready to be vulnerable, I’m not ready to give my future husband due benevolence, I’m not ready to be in love.

    Even as a young girl, (about 10) before I was ever a Christian, I wanted to get IVF and become a single mom because I was scared of having a relationship with a guy! Physical and emotional.

    I will say that despite all this, I am building a Hope Chest and you’ve inspired me to do it! (Just in case my dread of marriage is caused by immaturity, as I’m only 19)

    All of this to say, I do thank you for this blog. I’ve been really blessed by your daily articles. Tons of them are saved to my phone so I can speed read them when, and if I ever do get married, lol. Thank you for caring enough about women to tell us the truth.

  7. Oh I totally understand this! I have a fairly dominant personality as well, and there have been times when I have had to take charge. I was raised by a woman who, in later years, would tell my father that she wouldn’t have to nag if he had listened the first time.
    A meme I saw on Facebook the other day said: “If a man says he’ll fix something, he’ll fix it. There’s no need to remind him every few months!”

    In my marriage, I no longer ask my husband to do anything, if I can help it. If I want the trash taken out, I either do it myself or I tell one of the kids to do it. This doesn’t mean my husband does nothing around the house – he’s very domesticated as his mother raised him to be – but it means there is no more bitterness with me feeling annoyed that I have to keep asking him to do stuff, and him getting annoyed at my nagging.
    It’s not something I have been consciously doing for long so I still slip up, but it’s making a huge difference to the peace in our home.

  8. Just a thought from a new wife. You talk about men preferring a debt free , non tattooed virgin. Does this mean that women who do have these are less worthy of love and marriage? It confuses me, as we are not supposed to judge?

  9. Love this article as well! Great words of wisdom and Biblical truth! Thank you for sharing Lori!

  10. Hi Virginia, my situation is similar to yours. Ever since finding Lori’s blog and delving back into God’s Word, I have been working on holding my tongue at the (yes, engineering-type) husband, and just keeping silent (not silent-treatment, just a pleasant absence of hen-pecking!). It’s not always easy for me (I too was brought up watching my mother “nag” and my father getting moody over it – and we’re northerners!), but the more I practiced it, the easier it got, and God rewarded my efforts! For example, I would just do normal chores without commenting or complaining about it, and over time my husband became much more attracted to me. He would not only express appreciation over little things (which he never really did before), but even became more physically intimate over what seemed to me the smallest matters – and I don’t think it had anything to do with me completing the task, as I had done it many times in the past (hello, clean clothes in the drawers, not exactly news!), it’s just that I did it without grumbling! It’s been so encouraging, and totally worth keeping my mouth shut, just to see the difference in my husband’s attitude, which of course affects the vibe of the whole house and family. I was so floored by it, I told my mom all about it and she was so impressed, SHE started trying the same thing after years of hen-pecking through 50 years of marriage! Give it a try and stick with it in prayer, and God will bless your efforts, too! 🙂

  11. Different husbands lead (and delegate) in different ways. Some husbands will just tell their wives what they expect of them, what they desire, what they prefer, what they don’t prefer, etc… For example, that they want their wife to be responsible for taking out the trash. Other husbands will let their wishes, preferences and desires be known through indirect comments and/or through their actions. M’s husband expressed his wishes with a “look”… and M got the message, submitted to her husband and has experienced blessings (from God and her husband) for doing so every day since.

    Virginia, your husband is expressing his desire and delegating that task to you through his actions. If he wanted (and felt that it was his responsibility) to take out the trash, he would be doing it without you asking… over and over and over again like a continual dripping (Proverbs 27:15-16). Because he is not doing it, even after you have indicated to him (how many times?) that you feel that it is… his responsibility, his actions are showing you that he wants it to be… your responsibility. Even though he might not have said those words, his actions are “speaking” loud and clear. Words of wisdom?… submit to your husbands demonstrated wishes and (without a word… or a look… or a huff… or a sigh… preferably when he is not even there to see it…) take the trash out yourself.

    Feminism has taught (rolling pin to the head and no sex in the bed) many husbands to hold their tongues and not say everything that they would like to, but a husband should not always have to speak to lead, delegate or make his preferences known.

    Many women complain that their husbands don’t lead but if a wife makes herself a student of her husband, (mouth closed, eyes and ears open) she will find a lot of unspoken (or mildly spoken) leadership and direction is already there.

  12. We are to make righteous judgement, Maria. Mature Christians are to discern between good and evil. God commands older women to teach younger women to be chaste and discreet. Women are to be shamefaced and not do things to draw others to them by what they wear or do. Therefore, I teach young women the ways of God so they will live to please the Lord and not themselves.

  13. Sex isn’t evil, Mara. This is bad thinking on your part. Sex is wonderful and a gift from God but it’s to be reserved for the marriage bed only. Think of sex as a good thing, created by God for your enjoyment with your future husband. Our actions flow from our thoughts. Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ and you will begin to see things in a new way, a godly way!

  14. Thank you, I am really struggling with how I feel about marriage. I want to love (action), I just don’t want to be in love with anyone.

    The marriage of Isaac and Rebekah best describes the kind of marriage that I would want to have. Where we’re total strangers who marry the day we meet. They are both of God, and while love certainly grows between them, it’s not the reason they are with one another. I like the idea that marriage is for our holiness more than the idea that it’s for our happiness. The idea that we only got married to “not burn” like Paul says, instead of because we were smitten with each other.

    I will try my best to apply your advice, but I am really thankful to be single.

  15. This is so timely, thank you. I spent the evening with family last night and while my children were giggling to hear grandma nag, scold and take away her husband’s plate before he finished eating …. I am quickly seeing all these things as such an insult to her husband of nearly 50 years. I am learning and quickly trying to pedal backwards in my thinking, to be more quiet, submissive and gentle with my husband – what has been taught in regards to marriage by my strong female leaders in my life has been wrong.

  16. What it means is repent and teach you daughters well. That’s all.

    Everyone who hears about my father-in-law…feminists, Christians alike are aghast.

    And they should be aghast…and the man never repented!

    But then the very same feminists get all angry when they are asked to repent…???

    It’s weird.

    It’s like morality for thee, but not for me!

  17. Once you find the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, Mara, you will find the rest of it comes fairly easily. When you wake up next to the man you love, and desire to please him, and he desires to please you, it’s got a pretty awesome way of working itself all out. Exploring each other’s bodies is great! God’s plan is that a husband and wife would find enjoyment in each other’s bodies. It’s not something to be afraid of. This whole “sex is evil” thing is something the church (not my church, but church in general) has got so, so wrong.

    Just incidentally, are you the same Mara I’ve interacted with on here before? I’m hoping not. Because if you are, then we’ve reached a whole new level of hypocrisy and disgust doesn’t even come close to the way I feel right now.

  18. I was fortunate in that I was taught from a very young age not to ask for anything. We knew straight away that to ask for something meant we most certainly would not get it — and were very likely to get a spanking instead. This was harsh, I’ll admit, and it was often very painful, but it taught a valuable lesson.

    From the very beginning of our marriage, I knew to not ask my husband for anything or to do anything. I believe this has been a gift to me. Whether or not it’s a gift to him, I couldn’t say because I don’t know. I learned from a very young age to be self-reliant. Of the two of us, he is definitely more of the talker, and he really doesn’t talk much, except to the kids, he talks frequently.

    My husband is an incredible, fabulous father. I have many blessings because I haven’t met a single man yet who is as good a Dad as he. He has always provided well for us. My forthcoming teaching position is more for my mental health (and to keep on homeschooling after a fashion) rather than out of need, because he provides all we need. Ask for nothing and keep the positive aspects in mind at all times. The chores often provide the physical activity you need as an outlet for anything that frustrates you or makes you unhappy. I’ve grown to absolutely love washing dishes, scrubbing floors, etc. because they provide me with a silent space in which to think through the things that are bothering me at the moment and go through an internal dialogue with myself. They keep me focused.

  19. Mara-it’s been difficult for me as a young wife to flip the switch from a modest & chaste virgin to a married woman with an active sex life. I also didn’t get married until I was 30, and I struggled with awful cystic acne through my teens and 20s-cue the “wasted beauty/fertility” brigade! Funny how after I began working and making money to support myself I was able to purchase organic food, clean skincare, natural makeup, and pricey dermatology treatments for myself that worked to heal my acne and improve the years of scarring on my face. Once my facial appearance improved, I began to get attention from men and navigated dating for the first time in my late 20s. It was a real struggle for me as I’m a natural introvert. I am glad I was older, as I felt more prepared to vet a future husband, plus I was finally more confident in my skin.

    I wish I had been taught that sex WITHIN marriage is good and a blessing. The message that was taught was more along the lines of “Sex is bad, and you’ll be ruined and worthless when you’re no longer a virgin. If you don’t marry young, there is something wrong with you, and your worth as a woman is rooted in your beauty and motherhood.” Perhaps it’s not your thinking, but the teaching you received. May God bless you!

  20. If you wish something to be done, do it yourself! My husband recently dislocated his shoulder, so it’s up to me to mow the grass, move furniture and power wash (we’re remodeling), as well as the usual domestic duties until his injury fully heals. We have a baby and I also work part time. The world doesn’t stop-the grass will continue to grow, the contractor will arrive tomorrow, and these things simply must be done in a timely manner. It’s all in your attitude!

  21. In response to Maia’s question, Lori, does that still mean that men should not marry women who have tattoos, debt, and are not virgins?

  22. Over the years I have learned the ways to make my marriage happier. My husband grew up in a chaotic home with an angry mother who moved the family away from their father after a bitter divorce. The dysfunction and drama continues to this day and my husband has chosen to limit contact with family members because of this. He grew to be a man who doesn’t like to be bossed around and his response to other people’s anger is to react with rage strong enough that the argument immediately ends. I have learned to soften my approach, respond to a sharp word with kindness rather than hostility, and try to provide a warm and cozy home for my family. It may sound like I am being a “doormat” but the reality is that responding with warmth and kindness rather than hostility quickly shuts down my husband’s temper within a few minutes. How can you stay mad at someone when they agree with you or graciously apologize and ask for forgiveness? He also worries about money, so I take care with my spending. I don’t have a credit card, he has access to my bank account so he knows where the money goes, and I mend and make due instead of buying new whenever possible. His frugality over the years is paying off–our home with soon be clear of our mortgage and we should have a comfortable retirement. Wives need to meet their husbands where they are instead of trying to shape them into the husbands they thing they deserve. My choice to do so is paying huge dividends in our marriage as the children leave home and we are growing older. And yes, I take out the trash twice a day because I don’t like a smelly kitchen.

  23. I have never said this but most men prefer debt-free virgins without tattoos. Read the studies! It’s all proven but many men marry women with debt, who aren’t virgins, and have tattoos.

  24. You are a wise woman Kande who has spent years building her house and you (and your family) are reaping the benefits of being obedient to the Lord.

  25. I will say it Chrissy. Men should not marry women who have tattoos, debt, and (especially if they) are not virgins. If they do, they are just begging for a life of misery and pain and (statistics prove it) they will most likely end up divorced and have their homes, their life savings and their children ripped from them in our corrupt “family” court system.

    Jesus forgives… but actions have consequences and contrary to the popular belief of our modern, gynocentric culture, being a woman does not alleviate her from that inconvenient truth.

    If you have a tattoo, keep it covered as best you can, don’t get any more and let any man who is interested in you know that you regret that indiscretion. If it seems that his interest might reach the level of courting, let him know that if he becomes your husband and he wants it gone that you will immediately get it removed. I know one Christian woman who got a small ankle tattoo before she was married (before she was saved I think). Her (very Godly) Christian husband does not mind it but when she goes places that she thinks that it might be a poor witness, she wears a large band-aid over it if she is wearing clothing that might allow it to show.

    If you have debt, clamp down on your spending and start working hard to get rid of the debt. If you need help and encouragement in this area, look up Dave Ramsey. Keep a detailed record of where you started and the progress you are making over time and let any would-be suitor know that you have been convicted of your poor choices and are making every effort to rectify the situation.

    If you are no longer a virgin, then there is no fixing that problem but minimize the damage. STOP having sex with men who are not your husband!!! Even science is proving that EVERY single additional man (over 1) that a woman has sex with, reduces her chance at being able to pair-bond with a man and remain with him for a lifetime.

    God gave women a hymen for a reason; so there could be positive and verifiable proof of her chastity. That right there just SCREAMS of it’s importance to me that God would create a whole special piece of anatomy that only serves that one purpose. My mother told me that when she was a young lady, it was common for parents to take their “to be engaged” daughters to the doctor and get a report confirming their virginity to give to the “husband to be”, so that he could be confident that he was getting “undamaged goods”. Make no mistake ladies, every single act of sex out of wedlock DAMAGES you.

    All that said (I can’t seem to write a short comment for anything), Jesus is full of Grace and Mercy and he often gives us what we do not deserve and saves us from punishment and consequences that we do deserve. Although ignorance is no excuse for breaking the law, I believe it is easier for God to be graceful to the ignorant but the best choice is for women to not get tattoos, stay debt free (ESPECIALLY if it means you can’t go off to college) and remain virgins (unkissed even) until they are married. I am a man and those are CERTAINLY my preferences.

  26. A mom – I am not in any way disparaging your experience or the way you treat your husband as it sounds VERY respectful, but in light of your comment, (and for the advice that I am giving here) I want to clarify my comment.

    I am not saying that a wife should not ask for anything from her husband. To the contrary, Jesus tells us that we “have not because we ask not” and He encourages us to “pray for everything but worry about nothing”.

    Husbands should (are commanded) treat their wives the same. I absolutely want to know what my wife wants and what she thinks… but once I have made my preference or desire know by either my words (direct or indirect) or my actions, in any given situation, she would be wise (and obedient to the Lord) to submit to my wishes.

    I was encouraging women to (be students of and) pay careful attention to their husbands and they might see that there is already more instruction and leadership there than they realize.

  27. Thank you. I appreciate that, and it is good to know that you are interested in what your wife thinks. I think that is the first time I have ever been called respectful.

    We speak very little to one another, other than he speaks to me to tell me what he wants me to do, and I have learned to just listen. I speak only when I’m spoken to, as I have basically given up. There is no point. If I offer a different viewpoint, his counterpoint is, “I disagree”, which I learned early on meant that the subject was now closed.

    He disagreed when I told him earlier this summer I would no longer be homeschooling and had found the position in the school where they will be attending with me. At that point I reminded him about the three emergency room visits and the anti-anxiety medication I was prescribed, and told him things couldn’t continue this way, that I had to take care of my sanity. If he didn’t want it, he would have to make some decisions; in fact, I told him if he felt it was necessary for him to file for divorce in order to “teach me a lesson”, that was certainly his prerogative, although I would be very unhappy about it and would counterfile for legal separation as I would never agree to a divorce. I know it shocked him. He is used to a very silent wife who just did as she was told, and I’ve done that for seventeen years.

    Nothing has changed much except that he’s OK with the school situation now and went with me to the initial staff meeting for the year. I had it on the calendar for an evening after dinner, and he asked if he could come along, and I said sure. During the meeting, he sat on the sidelines while the rest of us were at the conference table, and he said later on something like, “I didn’t know you thought like that/had those ideas/liked such and such.” Well…yeah, I do. If he’d bothered to find out, he would’ve known.

    We went to get coffee afterward and I finally blurted out that when I got my first paycheck I wanted to go to Victoria’s Secret and blow it scandalous lingerie. I’ve wanted to say that for years. I got myself something along those lines at a thrift store once, but he never paid any attention. I never bought anything like that again because it was just too humiliating. But I know I’m getting it because I want it; I have no expectations and I don’t expect him to notice. If he does, that will be an extra. I just need to know and believe that I have something to offer him. I was always admonished that I was a wife first and a mother second. It’s kind of sad he wasn’t told similar. I’m the housekeeper, cook, seamstress, laundress, baker, K-12 educator, doer of chores, but not somebody’s girl. At least I can feel like somebody’s girl, even if he doesn’t see me as such.

    I think I finally feel like I’m waking up after being half-asleep for many years.

  28. Trey – the only problem with relying on an intact hymen to prove virginity is that, in some girls/women, it can be broken through tampon use and sports such as horse riding.

    I absolutely agree that being a virgin on your wedding night is best. But a broken hymen doesn’t necessarily equate to not-a-virgin.

  29. I want to clarify that I said “Evil becomes good”. Meaning fornication becomes due benevolence; what once was sin is now a commandment. I never claimed marital intimacy was evil but I didn’t correct Lori because I am trying to learn to not be argumentative. I know marital intimacy is a blessing, but it doesn’t make it any less nerve-wracking. Thank you ladies for your reply.

    To KAK, yes, I am the same Mara who spoke to you about trusting God with fertility. I wanted to learn about birth control and what the Bible has to say about it before I ever married. I am thankful to the Lord that I found the truth before ever using such poisons.

    On a post not long ago I wrote a public apology to you about how I handled our disagreements disrespectfully. I had just recently learned about it all and was burning up with passion about the subject. To trust God with something as huge as family size had given me a stronger faith and I was super excited to share it with everyone! So when older Christians were saying stuff like I was foolish,
    Catholic, irresponsible, and trusting God doesn’t always work out, (and I’m supposed to be looking up to you guys) I was in complete shock and lashed out in anger. But believe me, my sin bit me in the butt that day Lori posted about Christian women who argue and fuss to prove their point. It took me a while to repent and apologise to God and you. If you’re still harboring disgusted feelings towards me, I’m sorry, but I’m no longer responsible for that.

  30. KAK,
    You’re so encouraging and uplifting in your response. You’re one of the first commenters to agree that the Church in general has twisted the goodness of sex as a gift into something to be seen as perverse. Sex WITHIN marriage isn’t good; its great! Unfortunately, the “within marriage” piece is left out of the conversation far too often.

  31. a mom – It’s clear that I misinterpreted your first comment. I thought you were telling us that you had taken the trauma that you experienced as a child and turned it into a positive thing for your marriage. Your second comment made it clear that is not the case.

    I can see now that your childhood trauma has just been festering for many years and your husband did/does not see it. If he sees it, he does not understand it or know how to deal with it. It’s clear that you and your husband do not communicate and the marriage is suffering because of it. It’s also clear that you do not feel loved and cherished by your husband. This is tragic but all too common in so many marriages. The husband thinks he is loving his wife, and in many cases he actually IS loving his wife but in ways that she does not relate to. He is not “speaking her love language” so therefore she does not “feel” loved. This is tragic and so easily remedied.

    There are no-doubt other dynamics going on and I really wish that I could talk with your husband but short of that, the best I can do is encourage you to continue to (respectfully) share your feelings, needs, and wants with your husband and with the Lord.

    I pray that God will open both of your eyes to His truth and healing will come to you and your marriage. I am sure that others who are reading this are praying for you and your husband also.

  32. Exceptions KAK and I know they exist but the main point I was making is that God created it for a purpose and society used to care.

    I personally don’t think that young girls should be playing vigorous sports where she might be injured. One of the reasons that women throughout much of history (in societies that cared about chastity) rode side-saddle was to protect their hymens. Virgins should use pads.

  33. Mara – thank you for your reply. At the time I wrote that comment I had not seen your apology. I have since gone back to the post you mentioned and found it. Not sure how I missed it the first time. Thank you for the apology, I appreciate it. I wish I had seen it earlier, then I wouldn’t have been so angry when I read your comment above.

    Just to clarify, there is nothing wrong with trusting God with your family size if that is what you believe you are called to do. But there is nothing in the Bible forbidding contraception, and whether or not it is a sin depends on your heart. You may be in a situation like me and countless others where, for health reasons or something else, you know that having more children is not good, and you pray about it and realise there is peace in your heart with preventing more pregnancies. I hope you are never in the situation where you are rocking your crying, hungry babies to sleep without dinner, because there is nothing to feed them, and you can’t sleep with worrying how you will feed them tomorrow. I hope you never have to choose between paying the rent or the power bill, knowing that whatever you choose, isn’t going to be enough.
    Today, I have to choose whether to buy more milk and bread, or to put petrol in the car so I can get to church tomorrow.
    Yes, God does always provide, but it’s in His way, and in His time and not always how we expect or hope. Sometimes it’s in the form of the wife having to work. Sometimes it’s in the form of the ability to prevent future pregnancies. And sometimes it’s in the form of immense kindness from others.

  34. There are many exceptions and some of them are not related to a young lady’s actions. Hymens, like humans, have natural variations. For many women, this may mean that the hymen is not present, is very flexible and will never break, or does not fully cover the opening (which is the case for most women). In fact, a hymen that completely covers the opening presents serious health risks!

    I hope that young men are not taught that a truly chaste young lady can only be trusted to be a virgin if her hymen breaks on their wedding night. It would be terribly devastating for the new wife, already nervous about her first time, to be accused of lying about her virginity when the state of her natural hymen makes it so that it does not break at that time.

  35. Hi Mara,
    Something my Dad taught about the process of dating, engagement, then marriage, is to remember that God tells women to submit to their husbands in everything. As a result of this command, as a lady, you should keep this in mind when a man shows his interest in you – if you aren’t positive that this man will do the best job that he can in the Lord at all times, and you aren’t positive that you would feel comfortable submitting to him (not to say submission is easy and he won’t make mistakes, but it’s almost certain these mistakes will not be detrimental to you or your children’s health, safety & wellbeing) in all circumstances. This has definitely helped me!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *