NO, I Do NOT Promote Marital Rape!
MANY have condemned me for the video I made about a wife being upset that her husband was having sex with her in the middle of the night. I counseled her to join in with him and please him in this way. They accused me (and are still accusing me) of promoting marital rape because I gave the woman this advice. Let’s look at what scripture has to say about it.
“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord; For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing” (Ephesians 5:22-24).
“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord” (Colossians 3:18).
“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, OBEDIENT TO THEIR OWN HUSBANDS, that the word of God be not blasphemed” (Titus 2:4, 5).
“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear” (1 Peter 3:1, 2).
“Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement” (1 Peter 3:6).
“She that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:34).
I don’t teach men. I only teach women. Therefore, according to all of these verses, when her husband was having sex with her in the night, she should have willingly submitted to him and pleased him, if she is a godly woman and wants to obey the Lord. What is so hard about this? The feminist mindset is SO strong in our culture that it turns something like this advice into marital rape and abuse. This situation isn’t either.
A man has to ask his wife each time he wants sexual intimacy with her? Where is the romance or spontaneity in this? What about the command to not deprive our spouses? Where does this fit in? We only have to obey that command when we feel like it?
If a husband is physically abusive towards his wife and causing her harm, then she needs to seek protection and help. He needs to be locked up in jail and put far away from her. No wife should ever have to experience physical abuse. A husband who wants sex with his wife in the middle of the night and begins doing this is not physically abusing his wife nor can this be considered marital rape. When we marry, we are consenting with our husband to give sexual intimacy to each other except for times of prayer and fasting as clearly stated in 1 Corinthians 7. Our bodies belong to each other! We are one flesh. It’s a beautiful thing.
This woman wanted my advice so I gave her biblical advice. If I had told her that her husband was committing marital rape against her, what do you think would have happened to her marriage? My job is to build marriages up not help destroy them. Please, women, seek wisdom from above and not from this world. Satan’s goal is to kill, steal, and destroy. Be a wise woman who builds her home and marriage up!
No, I do NOT promote marital rape. I teach women to not deprive their husbands sexually as God commands. And guess what, women, God also tells us, “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence… likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife” (1 Corinthians 7-3-4). Therefore, if you want to make love in the middle of the night with your husband, go for it and it won’t be marital rape, unless we have some double standards going on here. Contrary to the feminist thinking, biblical thinking is that our body is not our own, but belongs to our spouse. And this is God’s perfect will for us and our marriages. Yes, let’s be considerate of each other, but also remember we are children of the King and want to fulfill His Word and ways to reap His many blessings.
Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
1 Corinthians 7:5
44 thoughts on “NO, I Do NOT Promote Marital Rape!”
Amen Lori, when I saw the video I was deeply saddened at how far away from God this world is now. Lets strive to live biblically not worldly! Saying you promote marital rape or abuse is crazy. The enemy will do whatever it takes to tear down strong Godly marriages.
Amen! When you marry someone, sex is part of your special relationship. I don’t mean literally every night if one or the other is sick or something, but to constantly deny your partner that intimacy is wrong. You should be saying yes more than no, and not marry someone if you don’t have the emotional maturity to take such a huge and intimate step with a person. “I do” DOES mean saying yes to ALL aspects if a married life!
It’s deeply insulting to rape victims to equate “My husband woke me up for some loving” with “A man used force, the threat of violence, or drugs to violate me.”
Exactly, Heidi! How can a husband be raping his wife in the middle of the night if she willingly participates and doesn’t deprive him sexually? How can this be compared to evil and angry men who physically abuse their wives?
The verses are clear and simplify the matter. It comes down to being obedient rather than rebellious. Wives should seek to please God and their husbands. We’re much happier when we live sweet and obedient lives! When I’m rebellious I depend on myself, which isn’t reliable or fulfilling. When I’m obedient, I put my trust and life in God’s hands.
I have a friend that absolutely loves being woken up while her husband is *enjoying* her body. In fact, she’s giddy about it. Her feeling is that if he’s still feeling that frisky towards her after kids and 30 yrs. of marriage, she’s the luckiest woman alive!
I completely agree with your position here, Lori, but I think some clarification may be in order. I don’t think it’s “my husband woke me up for some loving”.
The picture I get here (and I totally *get* what the woman is saying) is of the wife awakening to find that things are, well… already well underway.
I don’t think that’s rape at all. I have a serious problem with the very idea of so-called “marital rape”, but in this current culture, a lot of people can (and apparently have) argued that such activity is void of consent. As if taking marriage vows and lying in the bed next to a man every night isn’t consent.
Crazy times we live in.
I agree, Elspeth, and they fail to ever bring up the Bible verse about not depriving each other sexually. No, it’s all about their rights and their body which is not biblical at all.
You have a wise friend, Debby! She understands that when she is pleasing her husband, she is obeying the Lord. She may as well have fun doing it!
Exactly, JC. I want to live my life according to the clear Word of God and put away my selfishness and “it’s all about me” attitude that is so easy to do.
I do have to make the point that I would want to be actively involved rather than woken up to the act, if that makes sense. Being awoken to some light petting rather than, to be blunt, intercourse. It would make me feel as if my husband was more interested in me as immobile rather than a participant.
It may have been “light petting” that woke her up, LeeAnn. She didn’t give me specific details but foreplay is just as much a part of having sex as is intercourse itself.
That’s true, I guess I’m just thinking how startled I’d be about that particular wake up haha.
Women were created to meet the needs of men. Pure and simple. Nothing more, nothing less.
The sooner that is learned, the easier on everyone.
We were absolutely created to be our husband’s help meet but certainly not created to meet the needs of men in general.
What if your partner demands sex that is distasteful to you? I don’t mean normal sex, either. What do you do then?
A help meet IS meeting his needs. What else would the help meet be doing? He has needs. The help meet , meets them.
Yes, I just wanted to clarify that it was her husband’s need that she meets, not men in general.
A wife does not need to participate in anything that is dangerous or harmful such as anal sex or pornography. In fact, a godly woman would not participate in these things since she knows these are evil in the sight of God.
I agree Heidi!
I don’t think it’s possible to insult actual rape victims more than by trying to equate being woken up for sex to the awful, violent violation that genuine rape victims suffer.
Thank you for this post Lori, I agree with every word.
However, I do understand why some people accuse you of promoting marital rape: you have published comments in the past (by several different men) promoting it, and saying there is no such thing. By publishing those comments without disputing them at all, it looks like you agree.
Now that you have clarified your position so clarified your position so clearly, it is easy to see where you stand.
Lori,
You make God proud.
Your willingness and strength have saved countless marriages. Something counseling could never do when it’s outside the word.
Keep up the good fight! Your in good company…the best in fact.
I don’t think there would even be a paid counselling industry, if Christians were all well equipped to offer counsel from God’s word as freely as they received it. However, many folks don’t like God’s guidance, and they will pay to get a second opinion from a deceiver.
In my experience (just over a decade married) and that of others I’ve aware of in Christian marriages my age (I’m originally from the U.S. and still have relatives and friends there), the most likely case is the husband walks around on eggshells due to his wife’s swinging moods. (During the childbearing years, this is somewhat expected, but you hope it subsides as the children grow.)
I used to listen to a show about Christian marriage (Mark Gungor) and what it sounds like is many Christian marriages are a mess where men get told by their overly “religious” wives that they don’t really like having sex (because it’s so dirty and ‘sinful’).
So if the author’s audience is primarily married Christian women, then I hardly think the biggest problem facing them or their marriages is marital rape. The far more likely problem is wifey learning that she needs to deal with her swinging emotions and defer to her husband at times (and, yes, sleep with him somewhat regularly).
Personally I think if that really happened (waking up to husband in the act), perhaps next time wifey should politely ask her husband if he could wake her first. And if it is one of the rare times when she’s just really not in the mood or is sick or had the worst day of her life or her father died or whatever, then just tell him. And 99.9999% of men would say okay and roll over back to sleep.
Man in his natural condition hates God. It only follows then that he will hate anyone who reminds him of that God, and anyone who shines a light on the fact that all humanity will be held to account. That’s why, when Christians are slandered, or our positions are restated in the worst of terms to make us look kooky, that we have every reason to rejoice. You’ll never see this happen to “the reverend” Jim Wallace, who promotes anal sex between two men and the ripping apart of babies and their body parts sold for profit.
Thank you, Danny. I will rejoice!
What a fun to be desired by your husband in the middle of the night. I remember that being very erotic and a great surprise. I believe having an issue with this is a heart and mind that needs to make a shift.
I wonder if “marital rape” was an issue in this (fake) pastor’s marriage imploding:
https://www.christianpost.com/news/after-40-years-megachurch-pastor-slams-christianity-and-quits-deacon-claims-he-had-affair.html
Given the accelerated deterioration of the Western church, particularly where marriage is concerted, I am quite certain that disasters such as this will become very much more common in the near future, even if quite not the norm.
Agree, Elias.
The Christian paid counseling complex is a gigantic hoax, and it is exactly what Christ went into the temple with a bullwhip to cleanse out. Those who profit from the gospel.
Only evangelists, who constantly travel, like Paul and Jesus, the poor and needy, and reasonable (not ostentatious costs i.e. Notre Dame, Mormon Temples, Catholic Churches) building expenses were said to be worthy of receiving money from the Christians giving in the Bible
Great post, Lori.
I know of one 60ish pastor of a very large church, who sinfully resorts to porn, because his wife no longer consents to sex.
I come across many young women, under 40, who constantly want to prophesy, and let a man know what the Lord is telling them. But, when it comes time to following the Bible’s basic and explicit commands, they suddenly become quite outraged, and frequently begin lectures about how a man should ‘love’ women.
The gospel is law and love combining. Too many wish to ignore the former, and focus only on the latter.
I’m reluctant to pursue young women in California under 40, because they are notoriously fickle, and I’ll not be risking my future contentment, wealth, and possibly children for the whims of a rebellious woman. 95%, and that might be conservative, of the young single women under 40 in California believe in birth control, and very few of them understand the roles of the sexes in marriage, as you so magnificently daily point out.
I don’t mind a woman’s past, I’ve got one of my own, but I do mind her present attitude. If her attitude is selfish, not selfless, and she values her pleasure, opinions, and relaxation over God, not a chance of interest in her, regardless of whether she is beautiful or not. After 39 years, and many failures, I’ve finally got to the point that even if a woman looks like Helen of Troy, and is the most beautiful woman on earth, she is not beautiful to me, unless her attitude mirrors that Godly one you state so well, and which is found in the Bible.
When the price of something increases, the demand for it decreases.
If the man gets a lot of pushback about initiating marital relations [i.e. if the “cost” is increased] then the demand will decrease. He may say to himself “my wife fusses at me about waking her, I’ll just go to another room and take care of it myself.”
One of the greatest disservices men’s “ministries” and family-focused organizations have done is to advance the idea that if the man would like to have marital relations, he has to romance his wife by vacuuming the floors, doing the dishes, etc. At some point, especially if the list of requirements keeps growing he may say to himself “not worth it, I’ll do without or find some other outlet.”
Finally, that aphorism “Men are like microwaves, women are like crock pots.” Maybe so, but after 20, 30, 40 years that old microwave doesn’t fire up like it used to. Might be a good thing to warm things up when it’s still in peak form.
I agree Montesqueiu,
Paid “Christian” counselling is rarely Biblical.
I do however see the purpose in creating beautiful churches, and wonderful works of Christian architecture. An apostate church near me just built a new church and sold their old building. While the old building had been a typical old white prairie church with beautiful gothic windows and balcony seating, the new building is a large non-descript metal shed. I think the homes of the people who attend the church are far more beautiful and cost far more per square foot, than “God’s house”. They wouldn’t choose to live in a cheap rectangular metal shed, unless they were forced to by unfortunate circumstances. Our minds are influenced subconsciously by art. Music affects our mood, a drama tells a story, projected images evoke emotions, but they all are transient. You live with the architecture “forever”, it is always influencing the atmosphere and how you are made to feel by it.
Now, I know God doesn’t live in the church building, and our bodies are the temples of the Holy Spirit, and I have a blog post up relative to that, But I think we should keep church buildings admirable also, within reason. I don’t think we should build a cathedral with mortar ground from the bones of those who starved to death, but we also shouldn’t own multiple nice houses and go to church in a warehouse. We can’t all build a Temple as fine as Solomon did, but we should try to make our churches tasteful, and inspiring if possible. I guess the tough part is knowing where to draw the line. No house built with human hands could be worthy of God, yet we can’t make the church property into an idol that steals from the resources for reasonable charity the church should provide. We are not here to end poverty, but we do need to be charitable. Jesus said the poor would always be with us.
In my church the elders of the church and the preachers act as counsellors – completely free of charge (Matt 10:5-8 freely ye received; freely give) and for as long as necessary.
Our preachers have no families of their own, they go out in faith, in pairs, homeless, penniless, and preach the gospel and keep the flock. Counselling the church, as often as needed, visiting etc. is how they spend their days. Naively, I assumed all churches were like this (but I’m slowly learning they’re not).
I don’t even understand why Christian counsellors are necessary. What do they even do?
This seems like a very wise comment. We have to turn out hearts and minds to what pleases God, and God tells us that is pleasing our husbands. Obeying God and believing his ways are perfect has greatly improved my marriage. We should turn our hearts and minds to God in everything.
Hello Lori,
A lot of the comments I’ve been seeing are people saying they would “love” to be woken up in the middle of the night by their husbands and I think that’s fine. Because they are consenting to it.. But I think what people may have missed in your video is the woman saying before the situation that for that ONE particular night that she spoke of, she expressed to her husband that she didn’t feel like having sex and then she woke up to him having sex with her, isn’t it interesting that her first initial reaction was “is this rape?”. It is rape. Rape is not defined in the Bible or in the dictionary as only “strangers” going against someone’s will, it’s anybody going against anybody’s will. In fact in most rape cases it’s usually by someone the victim did know, especially in cases when it involves children. I have no hate towards you, and some messages I do agree with, but I feel this is misinformation and actually can be quite a damaging and dangerous message to women. If the wife hasn’t consented to sex in quite some while, then marriage counselling can come into play, maybe she’s having pain and she’s too embarrassed to talk about it, the husband should try and get to the root of the problem and not just force himself on her. There is a godly way of doing things, but RAPE is not one of them.
God Bless.
So a husband does this ONE time to his wife and you’re willing to call it rape? Well, I’m not. We don’t even know for sure what she meant by “having sex” with her. Foreplay is considered part of sex, too. No, I won’t tear down this marriage because a husband did this to his wife one time. If it was an ongoing thing, I probably would see a problem with it but would ask the wife why she was saying “no” to her husband, especially if she doesn’t have a good reason and says “no” frequently, since we are commanded to not deprive our husbands in this area.
“Marital rape” usually happens when wives are being physically abused by their husbands. It’s not just sex that they are abusing but in other areas, too. In these situations, I would encourage the women to seek help asap. But in the situation I mentioned, I would not. Like I said in the video, she could have said, “Could we do this in the morning?” or join in with him and please him.
He sure will, KB. It’s very, very sad. Those who would tell her that it’s marital rape would be tearing her home down.
That’s right! God tells us that it is better to marry than to burn and most men are burning.
I believe these men and women say there is no such thing as marital rape are saying within a marriage where there is no physical abuse going on, since I think they are intertwined together. A man who is physically abusive with his wife will most likely be sexually abusive, too. These women need to seek help asap.
Amen Lori totally agree! If there is a serious reason why she is denying sex then she can politely turn him down and give a soon “rain check”. But the bigger question is why is she denying him sex……is her body not his body and vice versa like scripture teaches?…..if not for a serious reason like he could be putting her life in danger then she needs to come to the Lord and ask Him to check her heart. Denying sex should be a mutual thing only biblically speaking and for a short time…..i.e. after child birth, serious medical reason. Other than that she is disobeying God and his commands which have huge ramifications in the physical and spiritual realm.
I just don’t see how submission is always expected in this way.
I am a mother of seven and so obviously partake in the joyous act of sex with my husband however there have been and will be times when I physically and Emotionally feel unable.
Days can be long. Homeschooling seven children, meeting all needs of the home and some days not even getting to sit for a moment. Night may fall and I find myself with a headache or body aches from the days demands and I need REST.
It isn’t this way always but I certainly wouldnt call it rare.
At these times I express my lack of desire and need to not be intimate til I recover.
If that night I awoke to sex without my having changed my position verbally I would not consider it rape but I would feel wronged very much so.
How could a loving husband ever put his physical desires above his wife having expressed a need to abstain for the time being to care for herself?
I do see we don’t know the exact details of the woman who reached out to you but if a wife has with good reason has spoken her need to not be Intimate for a time that should be respected and I can’t imagine God to judge her to be in a place of disobedience if her intentions were honest and not to be controlling and withhold just to show she can.
And if the husband then proceeded, knowing she was not able, simply to meet his own lust for her I would just feel very sad for that wife. That doesn’t speak to me as the kind of submission God would call us to as wives.
It’s interesting that no one asked these questions. “Why did she say no to him? Is this a common occurrence? Did she say no just because she didn’t feel like it?” No, they blame the entire incident on the man which is common today. “Was he even having intercourse with her?” We don’t know. Why does everyone speculate the worse case scenario with the man when we don’t have all of the facts? Because, in our culture, women can do no wrong. She didn’t give me these details and when women come to me for counsel, I tend to not think the worse case scenario and I don’t tell the women that their husbands committed marital rape against them when I don’t know. How could this help a marriage?
I agree. I would not call it marital rape either. And I also said we don’t have enough details to give a complete fair answer to her question however without knowing her exact situation I will say I believe is acceptable for a woman who is meeting the needs of her husband regularly (feeding, uplifting, comforting, loving – physically and emotionally etc) to rightly refuse sexual relations if she feels unable. I don’t encourage withholding as an act of control or torture so again not saying this sort of withholding. I personally treasure being the virtuous woman God has called me to be and meeting my husbands needs sexually is a blessing to me as it is him. I just know my husband and I have an amazing mutually satisfying relationship physically and emotionally and he would never think of taking sexual relations into his own hands if I had spoken of my need to rest more. Honestly he would be sad himself because his main desire with our intimacy is pleasing me and I would need to be awake for that 🙂 anyway, I just wanted to share my thoughts and thankyou for posting my comment – I enjoy your site very much so
Well, the issue with the video you made is that you forgot that the meaning of marriage has changed.
Today, all “marriage” means if the wife getting everything she wants, when she want it and the man hoping he gets at least some of what he wants.
Today’s women marry for security; not love.