She Would Give Anything to Be Desired By Her Husband

She Would Give Anything to Be Desired By Her Husband

Most young women seem to give sex freely to their boyfriends or to anyone these days before marriage, but this stops once they get married. The feminist and worldly agenda (sexual revolution) have deceived women into believing they can have sex freely with anyone outside of marriage but then have the option to withhold it once they are married since they will NOT serve their husbands. Whenever I teach women to not deprive their husbands sexually, many women are in an uproar over it but I won’t stop teaching it since it’s biblical and it’s good. Here is a woman who commented on my recent post Teaching Women to Not Deprive Their Husbands Leads to Marital Rape?

I would give ANYTHING to be desired by my husband. If your husband wants you, you are blessed. He loves you. Quit complaining and rejoice in it and the love he offers to you. You ought to be ashamed of yourself if you turn him down. Do you want to know what it’s like to not even be wanted?

My husband does not want me anymore, and it has been five years. Prior to that, it was rare, sometimes only once a year, but usually two to four times in a year in the twelve years before he ceased all relations with me. I didn’t think married men would want to be celibate that long, but apparently I was mistaken.

I found out gradually that I’m not the only one; there are many wives who apparently are being denied sex. So this is a two-way street. Unfortunately, we aren’t really acknowledged, but we do exist. I have to be hyper vigilant and it is a struggle sometimes. I almost feel ashamed at the many temptations I deal with on a weekly basis (not every single day, thankfully). But there’s a reason, I’m sure, and it’s made me more aware of what my teenage son is probably going through. I choose to believe that it is necessary for me to deal with this so I can pray for him appropriately.

My husband is not a porn addict (as far as I know), but he was very attached to his mother, and I think that might have something to do with it. He always compared me to her, and I never could quite measure up. For many years, this caused me no end of misery, but I have now become used to it to the point that I simply have to let it go. I know I’ve done what I can, and I can’t do much more. It is unwise to confront him (I learned that very early on), so for the sake of peace in our family, I learned to live day to day.

So, ladies, be THANKFUL your husband wants you. I’d be thrilled to be in your shoes. Go and have sex with him, and remember you release endorphins when you do — they take care of the proverbial headache WAY better than Excedrin!

Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
Proverbs 5:19

***Here is a post for those of you who have higher sex drives than their husbands. I pray it will encourage those who are in this situation.

30 thoughts on “She Would Give Anything to Be Desired By Her Husband

  1. My 2 sons dad left us when they were 3 and 5 years old. He didn’t want to be tied down and wanted other women etc.

    When the boys grew up and left home I started dating a man who never initiated even a kiss. At first I was kind of ok with this, but after 6 months I kissed HIM. He seemed to like it and we had a little making out, but he never initiated anything. He said he was being respectful of me, which I really appreciated, but I was always confused because any man I had ever known wanted sex all the time!!

    After 2 years of dating, we got married. He was a great friend and companion and I thought sex would develop in the marriage.

    It was the most painful experience EVER! No sex even on the honeymoon! I cried and cried and pleaded and pleaded. No response. This became the cyclical pattern of our marriage.
    Me approaching him, he rejecting me, me heartbroken and distraught. I promised myself over and over I would NEVER attempt to initiate intimacy with him again! Unless you have experienced that kind of rejection you have NO IDEA how badly it hurts and how utterly despondent it makes you feel.

    So wives should think about that in regards to denying husbands!

    The “ironic” thing is, that I became a Christian during the years of that marriage, which lasted 5 years, and then he didn’t want any part of my new Christian life!

    And btw, I never did get to the bottom of why he didn’t want sex

    There was nothing wrong physically, and never found evidence of porn, other women (or men).

    I am remarried now, to a wonderful Christian husband. I will never deny him. I couldn’t bear to cause him that kind of despair!

  2. I believe that sexually immoral people, who so selfishly withhold sex, defrauding their mate whom they vowed their sex to and to whom it is due, will be even less likely to inherit the kingdom of heaven than those who are too generous with it and become whoremongers.

    Ephesians 5:5 For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. 6 Let no man deceive you with vain words: for because of these things cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience.

    And if somehow you once freely gave illicit sex and are now defrauding your rightful mate, you must be smoking crack if you think you’re going to be saved, that Christ would want you as part of His bride, when you treat your own mate so wickedly.

    Matthew 25:40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. 41 Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:

  3. I am sorry for your bad experiences. the man you dated was sending you very strong signals that there was something wrong with him. That said, there is a huge difference between not being interested at all … and allowing months and years to go by … and, occasionally saying “not tonight, dear”. Both sides have that right, imo. It is in cases where there is a great discrepancy between the two people as to what their needs are (example: he wants to once a week and she wants to once a month) .. that does need to be settled out. Compromise is very important.

  4. I was in a similar situation. I’ve been married for almost 30 years. It took me that long to figure out, I had been mothering him. That’s why I reminded him of his mother. I had to learn to really submit. I had to learn that he’s not my son, let go of the apron strings. I figured out it’s not about sex, it’s about everyday life.

  5. Having gone through this same gut wrenching experience as a man, I can tell you that the pain of loneliness and abandonment is probably the single most painful experience that any human being can be subjected to: the feeling of being unwanted and undesired. It is a true torture. I would give up money, cars, houses, possession of any and all kinds just to feel wanted.

    And, along with that is the exclusivity of marriage: That your partner is given first preference above all other things, and all other people, even including your own children. I know that’s a hard saying, but your children are not part of your marriage. They are the product of it, but they do not participate in it.

    Your marriage is founded on the simple, comforting knowledge that you occupy a place in their life that they value, and jealously guard and preserve, at all costs, and before all others, because that is the way Christ regards his church – as his Bride, to be jealously guarded and protected. And he does not mince words, declaring that he is a “jealous God” who will not share his glory (which includes his Church, his Bride) with any other man, using those exact words.

    In researching my condition, I came to the realization that men were not the only ones feeling abandoned and unwanted by the person who pledged them lifelong companionship and exclusive access to their partner’s affections and intimacy. There are dozens of “support group” sites online, and the stories being told there by women, mostly young women, were utterly heartbreaking and crushing.

    Case after case after case of women who simply wanted their husbands to love them and desire them, who were yet being left utterly alone in the relationship, to suffer in silence. They simply want to feel wanted, and some selfish, self-centered husbands cannot even so much as muster the simplest affection for their wife. And being the “weaker vessel”, they are often all the more powerless to help their own estate.

    They reminded me of the pain of Leah, in the Bible. She wasn’t the “pretty wife” that Jacob wanted. He was too busy lusting after some “pretty girl” who was beautiful to the eye, but whose character, reliability and devotion was as deep as the Teflon coating on a ten dollar frying pan.

    But Leah? The bible says that she was rather homely (ugly). But all she wanted was for her husband to love her, which was a particularly noble hope which God very much approves of. But without her husband’s affection and desire, she was lonely.

    And you can see her sorrow as she names each of her children saying, “Surely now my husband will love me. Surely now, my husband will be united with me.” The pain and anguish in her voice as she names her children, while yet hoping for the love of her husband is truly heartbreaking. While Jacob is out lusting after Rachel, Leah is at home being utterly faithful to him, and utterly ignored by him. Suffering in silence. (But God sees! That’s good news as you read later in that story.)

    It drove me to tears to think that there were women out there who wanted nothing more than simply to be wanted, to be desired by their husbands. And the despair and hopelessness expressed in their words was truly soul crushing. All they want is just to feel wanted and desired. How hard should that be? How do you leave a young woman home alone, lonely, perhaps fearful, and having to face all that alone, without any emotional or sexual support?

    “I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.” That is the biblical description of a wife who is loved by her husband and who knows that she is loved by her husband, because he desires her. And she deserves, and has a rightful claim upon him for that love and that desire, because he is obligated by God to give it to her, and he himself promised that he would.

    I hate that this kind of pain exists in the world, and it’s especially bad when it’s completely unnecessary and only caused by men who are selfish and self-centered, and care only about their own wants and desires, regardless of the pain and suffering they inflict on others. Don’t be one of those people, men.

    Both husbands and wives want and need that exclusive intimacy from another human being. Both need that “place of refuge from the storm”. And that is what we signed up for when we said “I do”. God tells us that “It is better not to vow than to vow and not pay. It is better not to vow, and then not fulfill it” (Ecc 5:5). How can we in good conscience do that to another human being, especially when that person has entrusted themselves to our care, and God has given them to our care, and entrusted their life and well-being to us? To me, it’s as bad as abusing animals and children.

    God brought wives into the world after his first observation of man: “It is not good that he be alone.” Our marriages, then, have the first and primary task of eliminating “aloneness”.

    That was the whole reason God made Eve and brought her to Adam. “It is not good for him to be alone”. And there was Eve, standing before him.

    Secondarily, God made Adam’s wife to be “suitable to him”. That is, Eve was like Adam in ways no other creature was or could be. This is a model of the unity in marriage. Alikeness. Similarity in mind and appearance. And this procession proceeds all the way into the new testament where we, the church, are to be made, and are being made “suitable to him” (Jesus), and being “made in his likeness”, and “being conformed to his image” in that marriage. (Rom 8:29)

    So, men, your wife is to you exactly what the Church is to Jesus Christ, and that ought to be a sobering, and motivating, if not outright fearful thing. The trust that God has placed on you is no joking matter. He has literally entrusted the emotional and physical well-being of another human being, one of his own creatures, into your hands. That’s why it’s called “husbandry”, BTW. It literally means having the life of another being entrusted to your care, and put “into your hands”. (And that goes the other way also, wives to their husbands).

    And God has not said, “serve one another if they are good people and treat you well in return”. No. God simply says, “Serve one another with a sacrificial love, just as I have loved you.” (John 15:12) And he said that to a people who were then, and still are now, being unfaithful to him in return. But, just as “he is faithful when we are faithless”, we too are to be like him, in that we are to be – and remain – faithful even if our spouse is unfaithful.

    Remember how that story of Leah ended. She remained ever faithful to her husband, even through the neglect and mistreatment, even through the aloneness, even through Jacob’s unfaithfulness, she remained ever faithful to Jacob. And you see how God rewarded her for that faithfulness as she names her last child saying, “This time, I will praise God!” and she is happy.

    And Rachel? She ends up with Jacob “burning in anger against her”.

    Being available and attentive to your husband or wife’s sexual needs needn’t be a “duty”, although if you have to reduce it to that, then do so. It must needs be done for the well being of the other, and if you have to start it as a “duty”, then do so. That at least gets it done. Over time, “duty” will give way to “familiarity”, and familiarity will give way to “reliability”, and reliability will ultimately lead to willing, even glad faithfulness. So, start it as a “duty” if you must. But START, one way or another. And God will lead the way from there as you trust him in pleasing your wife.

  6. I struggle with this area as well. My husband also recently disclosed his own struggles that contribute to our conflict in this area. I am hurting very deeply at this time. However, we have agreed to not deny one another. I was relieved when we made this agreement and also scared because I have been denied opportunities to meet his needs and I don’t know what it will be like now that he’s agreed to come to me. What I do know is we have had a toxic cycle of my crying and pleading and lack of desire on his part (obviously crying isn’t the most appealing way to get affections and usually backfires).

    Please pray for us and for encouragement for me.

  7. Hello Robert,

    Your post is very encouraging. Many men who post on Lori’s blog do not seem to regard sex as important for women nor do they seem to ever consider that men can make sex pleasurable for a woman. It is good to see there are Christian men left who do think this way. I would hope young men take your council to start ministering to their wife during sex.

  8. How do you deal with an attitude of ugh! Not this again, we only did it last night,two nights ago etc? Or because you lack non sexual touch or acts of love during the day and you end up feeling thats all you are good for or like a piece of meat? Or the idea of foreplay is just gross and you dont want to be touched? Ive struggled with this for years and i seek to please him, but the feelingoften creeps in. ??

  9. After a number of years, I’m convinced it’s technology, especially Smartphones, that are causing this. I do not own a phone, nor do I intend to own one. And computers need to be in a public area of the house. Parents, please do not buy a phone for your teens. They don’t need them anyway, except maybe a bare bones phone that gets only calls and texts when they start working or something like that. It was once the situation that pornography had to be sought after; now it is available to anybody at the stroke of a finger. Even for those not addicted to pornography, the things you can do on a phone are just too easy to draw you away from your spouse.

  10. There is a lie that has gone out into the world, from the very depths of hell. It tells women that to be chaste whilst single is stifling but sex in marriage is boring. It fits in neatly with the larger feminist message that for a woman to be under the authority of her own husband is utter enslavement but for her to be under the authority of several other men: her boss, her clients, her welfare officers, her shrink, her pastor (yes some have unbiblical authority over women) is liberation.

    On TV sex outside marriage is largely depicted as glamorous and fun but sex in marriage is invariably depicted as ranging from dull and sporadic to downright nonexistent. A popular entertainment technique is to juxtapose an old married couple with an unmarried pair of young attractive fornicators. Plenty of ridicule is then heaped on the married couple and especially on their ho-hum marriage bed, to everyone’s applause. Reminds me of “Stolen water is sweet; And bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” Proverbs 9:17 (except that nowadays, premarital sex and extramarital sex are no secret)

    So foolishly, many ladies go out and do the same forgetting that biblically the reverse is true. We ought to abstain from sex outside marriage and enjoy it freely in marriage.

    When I speak to younger wives I am quick to correct them for expressing exasperation about their husbands’ sex drives. This is because an older wiser woman did me the same favour years back. She taught me that my husband’s sexuality is a gift for me from God and that I was to joyfully receive it, enjoy it and cherish it, rather than dreading it or resigning myself to it.

    It’s mind boggling to think that many husbands have never known their wives’ complete, unbridled, uninhibited sexual response and sadly this has been wasted in past fornicating experiences and the wives now selfishly couldn’t be bothered to offer their husbands anything more than duty sex if any.

    Don’t even get me started on the classic “I am exhausted after a full day’s work raising children, breastfeeding at night, keeping house etc.” If those responsibilities were so demanding that it would be senseless to expect mothers to be sexual during that season of life, would it have escaped the Lord’s mind to work in an express exemption for such mothers? God thinks of EVERYTHING. He allowed menstruating women time off in the Old Testament. He also exempted newlywed men from going to war. He allowed women postpartum time off. So having many young children and a home to run on their own, are no reason for abstinence in marriage.

    I remember being on an island to island flight with only one flight attendant. It was a red eye flight and I could see that the attendant was having a rough morning. Her hair was not as neatly coiffed as they usually have it. Her eyes were slightly bloodshot. Her makeup was meh and her suit was creased in parts. I had a little baby on the flight and the attendant was helping me secure our seat belt so I asked her if she was fine. She said it was her day off but her colleague had been taken ill so she had been given an hour’s notice to cover the flight. She was kind and smiling the whole time. She made the requisite announcements cheerily and treated the passengers with congeniality. If this woman could show up at short notice and against all odds make every effort to treat strangers with affability how much more should a wife rise above the usual demands of motherhood and life in general to joyfully anticipate and fully meet her husband’s sexual needs?

    It’s a matter of putting God and His Word first rather than ourselves. When God comes first, we arrange our lives to obey His commands rather than arranging our lives to put ourselves first. If you need a break in the late afternoon before the husband gets home, work it into the household schedule. Down tools, curl up on the sofa and read quietly to the children. Have that evening meal ready and waiting, set that table early. Have a quick shower before he gets home so you feel fresh and not covered in toddler fingerprints. Do what it takes to honour God and your husband after all if you were employed out there, you would do what it takes to get the job done. God is the Boss of bosses and His yoke is not backbreaking. It’s delightful.

  11. One thing i am really wondering about:
    Years ago it was NOT common that men would be with their wives while giving birth in the delivery room. Was that pushed by the feminist agenda? Because when a man says these days they can not see blood or the can be there for a while, but not all the time – it’s like a big shame. I know my husband had problems after seeing me giving birth with sexual intercourse afterwards. Any comments on this?

  12. My husband was present for the birth of our only child. We discussed prior to birth that I’d prefer if he stayed next to me, near the head of the bed and he agreed. I have heard of some men losing desire for their wife after witnessing birth and I didn’t want that to happen to my husband because I care deeply about our intimate life. Truthfully I didn’t want to see any of the birth or it’s aftermath either! We communicated this to the nurse and medical staff and they were very helpful and understanding and maneuvered around our space so nothing would be seen.

  13. Very wise of you both! I never heard about this problem related to the birth experience before. My husband clearly communicated to the medial staff that he didnt want to be present when things got hot in the delivery room. But in all 4 cases the midwifes reacted very annoyed. In one case the midwife didn’t let him go because nobody else was present and she needed help. Let’s just say it had a big impact on him. I was just wondering why the culture changed so much? When my mother gave birth to me and my siblings it was not even an option that my father would be present…

  14. Mother Dearest,
    I agree with Lori, there is a LOT of wisdom in that comment. I would like to highlight (and expound upon) a couple of the points you made.

    “It’s mind boggling to think that many husbands have never known their wives’ complete, unbridled, uninhibited sexual response…”
    “… to joyfully anticipate and fully meet her husband’s sexual needs…”.

    Many women think if they just lay there and let their husbands “do the deed” that they are fulfilling their Christian “duty” as a wife. This may or may not be the case but “duty sex” for a husband, amounts to living on rations of stale moldy bread and lukewarm water.

    Affording the husband the physical release that he needs is just part of the equation. Men have emotional needs also and a mans emotional need is met by experiencing his wife’s “complete, unbridled, uninhibited sexual response” on a regular basis also… and ladies, this might (will most likely) take some purposeful effort on your part to accomplish.

    Some wives might be hot for (and ready to rock) their husbands all of the time but from what I read, I think that it’s safe to say that for most women, this is not the case. For a wife that is interested in completely meeting her husbands need, she can prepare herself ahead of time by “anticipating” their coming together and use her most powerful sex organ… (her brain) to think thoughts that will arouse her ahead of time.

    Then, she must focus on and give herself completely to the event once the festivities have started. She can’t allow her mind to be thinking of other things like what needs to go on the grocery list, or… was that the dryer buzzer that just went off? or the next days schedule or ANYTHING else.

    She needs to mentally prepare ahead of time and get herself as aroused as possible and then focus solely on them coming together with the ultimate result of giving him as much “unbridled and uninhibited sexual response” as possible. This is one of the most profound ways that a wife can show (love is a verb) her husband how much she really loves him.

    If a wife is to “fully meet her husband’s sexual needs” she must give herself to him completely… and this kind of response from her is a necessity. This release on her part is good and healthy for her, a necessity for her husband and something that truly builds intimacy between them.

    Duty sex, which arguably is better than no sex at all, will over time still destroy the relationship and will (in the same way that sexual refusal will) temp a husband to look elsewhere for getting his (God given) sexual needs met.

    A wise woman builds her house… and ladies giving your husband your “complete, unbridled, uninhibited sexual response”… on a regular basis is some ROCK SOLID building materials.

  15. I’m so sorry about your experience. Your midwife seemed out of line with her request for your husband to stay.

    I’m unsure if it’s a culture change but it seems to be. I do know my grandmother delivered her first baby alone and scared at 18 years old (she was married).

  16. I can’t speak for any other man but I watched (had a ring side seat for) both of my children being born and it had no adverse effect on me whatsoever. I don’t know that I would have tolerated anyone telling me that I couldn’t be in there or watched. I helped put them in there and I wanted to see how they came out. 🙂

    The fact that I was raised in the country and had watched horses, cows and other animals give birth might have made a difference but I’m not sure.

  17. Thank you for this. It needs to be said for all the ladies denying their husbands. Enjoy it!
    I am desired and I am so thankful for it. Once in awhile, he’s too tired to do anything but fall asleep and he always apologizes for not being able to “please” me. I can’t imagine how painful it would be if he didn’t want me.

  18. dh and I both struggle w/some health issues and side effects of medications. our intimate life is not quite the same, but we have not given up. we have become even closer in this area as the years have gone by. even when I don’t think I feel like it, I remember to be grateful that he still desires me even w/the changes in my aging body. then I feel even more desire when I think of how he desires me. glad I have listened to older women and always submitted in this area. dh says he has always loved that about me. women are missing out on so much when they try to use sex as a weapon in their marriages. thanks for addressing these delicate issues Lori.

  19. Mr. Zeurunki,
    Thank you for your kindness. Your comment moved me to tears. I also think frequently of the story of Leah….she’s someone I would love to talk to.

  20. My husband had to deliver our 2nd baby, as she came so quickly at home. He had been a dairy farmer for years, so used to calving cows, so it wasn’t a big deal for him.

    Like you Trey, all of the men I know who are fathers were present at the births and would not have had it any other way! They *wanted* to be there when the baby was born!

    But in my grandparents day, fathers weren’t present at the birth at all, so it is a relatively new thing. I know my Nan had her 6 babies without her husband by her side.

    I do know that my husband has an extra-special bond with the daughter that he delivered 🙂

  21. Trey,
    I couldn’t agree more. A woman who chooses to be a lackluster sex partner, is only destroying the marriage she should be building. It makes you wonder, who is she saving her best for, if not her husband? According to the Bible they both should be giving the other their sexual due, and both should be doing for the other as they would have done for them. Unless women only want a half committed husband who puts no effort into anything and is a constant disappointment, they shouldn’t be giving him half committed, no effort, disappointing sex. They should always do for the other as they would want things done for them. If you say, “well he did disappoint me, so I’m going to disappoint him”, then it is quickly a race to the bottom, where everybody loses, most especially the children, learning and becoming, amid that sort of tit-for-tat evil-for-evil dysfunction.

  22. It is a big shame. It’s extremely immature for a grown man to not be present for his child’s birth because he cares more about his libido. There has been a move towards having family present for births because it’s no longer seen as shameful or dirty. Pregnancy and childbirth were stigmatised before as private and inherently sexual. Even for married couples. These archaic attitude where even sanctified sex was viewed as dirty is what led to the sexual revolution and what the feminists fought so hard against. Women, menstruation, pregnancy and child birth were made out to be dirty and in turn the entire female anatomy was. Feminism didn’t arise because women wanted to own their personhood, it’s because they no longer wanted to be vilified and that in itself is a Christian desire. Birthing a child is nothing to be ashamed of and not is it undesirable.

  23. If it were up to my husband, he would have caught our baby and cut the umbilical cord himself! I wasn’t shrouded in some archaic thinking of birth as shameful. It was nearly debilitating anxiety about body image as I had been a slim, fit marathon runner prior to pregnancy and was concerned about my female anatomy drastically changing forever during birth as well as the weight gain, weakness, and incontinence I had never experienced before.

    It’s very difficult to want to please your husband when your abdominal muscles are nowhere to be seen even though you lost all of the baby weight and still participate in distance running and pelvic floor physical therapy. You wonder how your semi professional athlete husband finds you remotely desirable-I guess body shape and beauty doesn’t matter as much when women become mothers, or I hold myself to higher standard than my husband does. It’s all quite confusing, but I love him so although I don’t understand his attraction, we still are intimate frequently.

  24. My wife and I have six children, including a pair of twins (the first). They were born in a hospital because of the higher risk of a twin birth. Through ALL of our children, my wife has delivered them without ANY pain meds. Amazing strength.

    Our third, we had just a home birth with a midwife, which I helped with. Same for our fourth.

    Our fifth, we had a midwife planned, but from the time the water broke, to “her head is here” was all of about 11 minutes. My wife says “blue kohosh” may have had something to do with that one. I delivered this baby myself, and we left the umbilical cord attached until the midwife got there.

    Our last, we delivered all by ourselves, without even a midwife. THIS one was excruciating, and took 15 hours! We did water births for all of them, and our last son’s head was out, and his eyes were open looking at me from under water! Yikes! But so long as the umbilical is attached, they are getting oxygen.

    We’ve really had an adventure with child births.

  25. KSM – Although I was never a marathon runner, I used to be a competitive horse rider, and was very fit and toned. 4 children has changed my body shape hugely, and although I am still fairly slim and fit, my body will never be as toned as what it once was. However, my husband still finds me attractive. He loves my soft curves our babies have put there. He even loves the silvery stretch marks that line my belly and hips – a reminder of the little humans that we made. He loves my body because it’s *my* body – the body of the woman he loves. He didn’t marry me for my body, he married me for the whole package (his words, not mine).

    Let me ask you something. If your athlete husband had an injury rendering him unable to exercise for a long period of time and in the process he gained weight, would your feelings for him change? Would you look at him and be disgusted (or a less-strong word may be better there) or would you look at him and see the man you love?

  26. This is a hard one for many women. Please understand this first. Your feelings are valid and do not make you a bad wife or woman. It may be time, though to consider WHY you have these feelings. Is it just that you don’t like sex or never did? Is it because you aren’t getting something you need emotionally or physically that makes you feel less desired or loved and instead feel used? I’m not saying your husband is using you that way, if he is, the two of you should definitely seek out a good counselor to help manage this imbalance. But if you feel that way, then just being obedient isn’t going to help.
    I understand this because I’ve lived it. I married a man with a very high sex drive. I’m talking 4 times a day was not enough for him kind of drive. And there was no such thing as a quickie. He would wake up and want sex, he would go to work. On days he was home for lunch, he would want sex. And the moment he walked through the door in the evening his hands were up my shirt and down my pants.
    This all seems very romantic when you’re newlyweds or reading a romance but throw a full day of housekeeping, kid keeping, and homeschooling in there, and it’s not something that can be realistically maintained.
    And I understand the feeling of babies climbing all over you all day with zero sense of personal space, trying to keep things clean when you are starting to be sure that the moment you turn around, it will be messy again. You work yourself stupid trying to be that beautiful, biblical example of a woman and just as you plunge your hands into the dishwater, here comes a person you haven’t seen in 9 hours rubbing up against you when the only thing you really want is 20 min ALONE in the shower.
    And when night comes and he’s relaxed through dinner and the evening while you’ve fed, bathed, tucked in, and gotten everyone and the dog an extra drink of water, he’s expecting you to hop on it, and you just pray you he doesn’t notice how much you would rather be doing ANYTHING ELSE.
    I USED to be this person. Bitterness and frustration and this unending cycle of trying to be what was expected of me by God and my husband that just couldn’t be prayed away. No amount of giving it to God changed things. Because God didn’t want me to sit around accepting an unacceptable situation and doing nothing. You are not a slave to your husband. You are a helpmate and he is yours. You need to be able to talk to him about these feelings. You must communicate openly with him about what you are trying to accomplish each day and how it is wearing you down. Tell him you still want him, and that you want to enjoy your moments together, not dread them. (I do caution to do this very carefully because you want to don’t want to hurt him and men are really sensitive.) It is up to him to step up with you and even out the burden. A marriage is a partnership and must have balance. If he goes to work all day and comes home expecting to do nothing after that, then he needs to understand that you have put in a full workday as well and that you don’t get to clock out at 5.
    When your life is more balanced and you and your husband work on the issues with intimacy and daily struggles, whether through just talking about them or seeking out the professional counsel, your ability to please him and him you will increase greatly. Letting the bitterness and “UGH” feeling prevail will only get worse if you don’t do anything about it. You don’t have to accept the situation you’re in. You should be willing to please your husband, but he has to please you in return. If that means you need a long soak in the tub and 45 min of no-contact while he puts kids to bed, but you feel refreshed and happy and desirable at the end, then that’s what needs to happen. Having sex is meant to be a blessing, a gift, and if the gift isn’t into it, he’ll notice (or he should). Acknowledge these feelings and bring them to him calmly, lovingly. Give him the chance to work together with you to make both your lives better, in and out of bed.
    I pray only blessings for you and hope things improve.

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