Teaching Women to Not Deprive their Husbands Sexually Leads to Marital Rape?

Teaching Women to Not Deprive their Husbands Sexually Leads to Marital Rape?

One way to get women’s ire up easily these days is to teach them to not deprive their husband’s sexually because, in their minds, this leads to marital rape. In the same way that teaching women to be submissive to their own husbands leads to physical abuse. Women, Satan’s goal is to kill, steal, and destroy. He loves to twist God’s Word into something vile and ugly. Do these teachings lead to men raping and abusing their wives? NO!

Men who rape their wives and are physically abusive to them are mean, angry, or evil men. Their wives’ godly and submissive behavior does not cause them to be abused. The men are solely responsible for their abuse and these women need to seek help as soon as possible. However, many women today want to use the abuse label to stop me from teaching God’s beautiful ways to women, but I will not. I will not fear the angry women’s backlash towards me to stop teaching women what God requires of them in marriage.

We are too quick to label behavior abusive, too. Yes, I understand that there are women who are being abused but they are not whom I am teaching. As I stated, they need to seek help. I am teaching all of the rest of the women who aren’t being physically abused. Some may be in difficult marriages but their husbands aren’t truly abusing them. The problem is that abuse is used way too often.

Many of the women I mentored told me they were being abused but once I began mentoring them, I could see that they really were not. Their husbands were just not treating them the way they wanted to be treated. This is why godly, older women are so valuable. They can help women see if what they are experiencing is abuse or not. Physical abuse is easily identifiable but other forms are not so easy and some women make some behavior of their husbands out to be abuse when it is not.

We live in a fallen world. Bad things will happen but as God’s remnant, we can still do all we can to have good marriages. Even God acknowledges that some marriages will be difficult. Read 1 Peter 2 and 3. What is God’s prescription for women who are married to disobedient husbands? He wants them to live in subjection to them with godly behavior. Women should never submit to abuse or evil of any type but in all other areas, they live in submission to their husbands. In this way, they may win them without the word (1 Peter 3:1).

A woman who is not depriving her husband sexually will more than likely have a husband who is pleased with her. Before marriage, many women freely give sex to their boyfriends but not so much after marriage. Yes, there are children and homes to care for but there’s a good reason that God is clear that we are not to deprive our husbands. He knows our husbands are fallible and easily tempted. This is a reason for marriage – so we won’t “burn,” and we don’t deprive our husbands because of their lack of self-control, as God tells us.

We submit to our husbands because there can only be one leader in the home and God has ordained it to be the husband. God’s ways are good, and acceptable, and perfect (Romans 12:2). We must do all we can to obey Him. He’s our Creator and knows what’s best for us. He commands that we live in submission to our husbands and not deprive them sexually. I will not give all of the exceptions; for this takes a godly, wise woman to know what they are. Study your Bible and become wise. There are many foolish women these days who are tearing their homes down with their own hands. Don’t you be one of them.

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
1 Corinthians 7:5

32 thoughts on “Teaching Women to Not Deprive their Husbands Sexually Leads to Marital Rape?

  1. It’s always eye-opening to see what conclusions people draw from doing things Biblically. I have been married over 20 years and have never denied my husband sexually. I also submit to him. He has never, not once abused me physically or emotionally. Not only that but he treats me very well. Many times we chat for hours. He often asks me for advice. If we have the time or money he ensures I get what I want. He’s a fantastic husband. I feel very blessed to have him and regularly thank him for choosing me.

    I feel these people that come to conclusions that the wives are abused if they are kind and loving towards their husbands can use a course on logic.

  2. I will try to write and express this as well as you do, Lori, though I’m not nearly as good a writer! I think of providing intimacy in the same way as I do providing meals. When I plan, shop, prepare and serve meals to my husband and family, it isn’t because I feel hungry. They need the nourishment. They need the assurance that the meals are going to be there on a regular and predictable basis. I don’t worry about whether I’m hungry, although I usually am by the time meals are served. Even when I’m not, I join my family and have a few bites and realize that yes, I do need this meal. It’s the same thing with intimacy; prepare yourself, ladies! Think about it throughout the day and prepare to offer yourself to your husband for both of your benefit. While he may be seeking the physical release, you will benefit from the closeness. You are nourishing and strengthening your marriage with this regular, predictable activity, just like the meals you serve. Even if you think you don’t feel like it, enter into the process (like taking a few bites of food when you think you aren’t hungry!) and you might find you really are in the mood. Don’t deprive your marriage of the nourishment that it needs!

    1. Emily Joy,
      Well said. I have learned to plan for meeting my husbands needs. Part of the planning is determining ahead of time to have a mind set to put down my selfishness when dear hubby is in the mood and I am not. Usually it is not long and I am enjoying his advances. One thing women need to consider when they are bemoaning a husbands advances is that there are women out there that would give anything to have a husband who is seeking intimacy. A husband being attracted to his wife is a compliment to her.

  3. Amen…….still can’t believe all the backlash you got on that video….well I guess I can we live in a world where more and more people are not fearing God and just doing whatever they please sadly. Lets stop the nonsense and live by the word of God. Keep up the good work Lori. We live to glorify God not man.

  4. I live with what many people consider to be an “easy-going” man but I freely give and try to initiate sex A LOT. I have found in my 20 + years of marriage that it makes a huge difference:). When I am not in the mood, I tell myself that he wants this 10x more than I do…

    I listen to a young wife just recently tell me how she had the kids spend the night with her parents so she could get some things done around the house. I knew in the back of my mind what her husband was expecting from an evening of no kids thus I knew before the end of the story how it would go when she foolishly chose to get stuff done on her house instead of giving her husband some much-needed attention… plucking, plucking.

    “Created to be His Helpmeet” changed my marriage but you have been a huge blessing also. Thank you for never wavering.

    Much love and prayers, Lori

  5. This is sadly the often used argument of using one sin to justify another.

    We are for example told that the crime and sin of rape justifies the crime and sin of murdering a child in the womb.

    Marital rape and physical and emotional abuse are sins (and in extreme cases crimes). But the fact that they are perpetrated by a tiny minority of husbands does not justify the sinful behaviour of every married woman who refuses to submit to the Godly authority of her husband or who habitually denies her husband intimacy.

  6. I don’t believe in this recent invention called marital rape. If your husband has to force you to honor your own vow, you’re the irresponsible one with the lack of self-control abusing your role, whom Satan has tempted to defraud your own God appointed head.

    1. Elias,

      Do you think a man holding down his wife causing his wife to tear stitches or bleed is not marital rape? Do you think that forcing a woman into sex acts like anal sex is marital rape? Do you think that a man drugging or filming his wife is marital rape? Do you think a man coming home drunk and debasing his wife with violent sex acts is rape? The law does think so, and I have to agree.

      Marital rape is very real.

      1. This is the definition of a cruel and evil man, Kate. These type of men physically abuse their wives and many times, sex is a part of that abuse. I doubt that marital rape ever occurs alone.

        1. I agree, Lori. Still, it does exist, which was my point. I do not agree with Elias that women who are “forced” to honor the marital vow are the ones without self control. Men can exercise self control in these instances, and women should leave / alert authorities if they do not.

          I also believe that in non-abusive sexual encounters, both parties can exercise self control by giving unto each other a pleasurable and bonding experience (not just one-sided). That was the advice given to me and my husband when we were married, and it works. Elias, no woman who is cherished by her husband and helped to arousal before the sex act needs to be forced!

          1. Apparently, in your world, women don’t sin. If you read the book of Hosea, you’ll see that the prophet loves his wife like God loves, and yet she cheats on him to the point where she sells herself into harlotry. Hosea has her illegitimate children plead with their mother to quit being a whore, but even that doesn’t work. Hosea ends up having to buy his wife back and demands that she be faithful. You could rightfully be put to death for adultery in that culture.

            Kate, you’ve obviously never been married to somebody with an intimacy disorder, if you think somebody won’t return evil for good.

            If getting sex from a wife was as easy as just being loving and giving some foreplay, there would be almost no marriages with sexual denial going on. The problem is that many wives are very evil, and they despise their good husbands, and they reject their best efforts, and you are apparently unable to see what is occurring in our culture, where men as a whole are being denigrated as “toxic” and “unloving” by spiteful and irreverent women.

      2. Kate,
        While what you describe is unloving, And I personally find anal sex to be dishonoring to both people, I think rape is still the wrong word to be used for a husband “taking” or “having” his wife, in an act of normal married sex. You consented before God and a crowd of witnesses to be his, “to have and to hold”. Lori is correct in her reply to you. But, it seems Christian women are always ranting about worst case scenarios while they mostly use their bleating to justify defrauding good Christian men who are faithful and loving and longsuffering despite their wives’ spoiled selfishness. Sexual denial of your spouse is a sin.(1 Corinthians 7:2-5) If you’ve already got Feminist laws against a husband ever being able to take his wife, why still the defensive need to rail about hypothetical men who would be serving long prison sentences if they were more than just imaginary. For every command of God, you women have a boogeyman you trot out to discourage women from just doing right by their husbands. You will never become righteous via excuses and blame shifting. And Christians should be turning people to righteousness, not enabling victim mentality.

        1. According to Jennifer Gentile Long, the chief executive officer of AEquitas: The Prosecutors’ Resource on Violence Against Women, a global project she co-founded in April 2009, sexual assault includes:
          1. Penetration crimes
          Of a body part by another body part (i.e., penile penetration of mouth, anus, vagina)
          Of a body part by an object
          2. Contact with genitalia, breast, buttocks, or other intimate body parts
          3. Exposure of genitalia, breast, buttocks or other intimate body parts
          As you can see marital rape laws have essentially criminalized any act of intimacy in marriage. Any time either spouse does any of the above and the other isn’t “in the mood”, they’ve just sexually assaulted their partner. With laws like these, is it any wonder men no longer want to get married and are going their own way?

          1. So all those times I changed my clothes in front of my wife, were really sexual assaults? LOL I keep myself strong and fit like a Chippendale’s dancer. I should be billing her for all the tips she has stiffed me. She should have had to pay for that view!
            I guess I could always countersue for having to look at her. /s

          2. Patrick – Please tell me you are not serious.
            For a sexual assault to have been committed, there has to a clear lack of consent. What is so difficult about that to understand?
            In a normal, non-abusive, non-violent marriage, consent is given as part of getting married. Marriage IS consent. Touching your wife when she is “not in the mood” is not assault.
            So no, marriage laws have not criminalised intimacy within marriage at all.
            Marital rape occurs when there is a very clear lack of consent, and intimidation, force, and violence or threats of violence. Don’t force your wife using intimidation, violence, or threats of harm into doing acts she finds repulsive, and you’ll be fine. Seriously, it’s not rocket science. Marital rape laws are in place to protect women who are victims of domestic violence, and are living with cruel, horrible men. It is one more way to try to keep women safe.

        2. And Christians should be turning people to righteousness, not enabling victim mentality.

          The overwhelming prevalence of worldly attitudes among self-described “Christians,” (of both sexes, to be fair; plenty of pastors enable and encourage this attitude from the pulpit), of which the attitude described in OP is a prime example, should give us pause to consider just how small the remnant really is.
          Dwelling on it leads one to the brink of despair. .

      3. Kate,

        I am going to request that you stop right there and trot that fringe element right back to where it belongs: in the immaterial minority. I think a clear reading of Lori’s post clearly shows that she’s addressing the ordinary everyday marriage and not the kind in need of legal and possibly psychiatric intervention.

        What you are doing by pulling out those worst case scenarios is trying to create heat rather than light. It’s a typical and frustrating feminist tactic to take the focus away from the millions of sinful wives in need of admonition, and instead putting it on the very few very rare extreme cases; all in an effort to thwart the biblical call to obedience to God’s word.

        Lastly, words have meaning. Rape has a meaning. The wedding ceremony renders the use of the word Rape, moot. Consent is given during the ceremony. That’s why we see fornicators nowadays constantly reminded to obtain consent for each and every physical contact they engage in. If a fornicator holds hands without express consent, any “buyer’s remorse” later felt can be chalked up to….rape.

        Now granted abuse of various kinds happens in a marriage but strictly speaking, marital rape is an oxymoron coined by feminists to strike terror in the hearts of men and embolden wayward women in their brazen disobedience. A quick skimming of scripture should drive out that confusion.

  7. What an awesome website and reference for today’s young women.
    I think it could feel rape- like to expect sex on demand within-egalitarian cohabitation where two autonomous individuals work and share the bills together. This is the unifying good they organize around. So therefore, sex on demand is not part of what they have organized their relationship around.
    In the same way, obedience has no place or purpose in egalitarian relationships. In fact, it would be nothing short of BDSM.
    For example, a man who demanded a women obey him in an adulterous or premarital liaison would be acting like a tyrant. The same reality would ring true in same sex liaisons. The common denominator is they are all egalitarian relationships. So obedience and authority has no place in egalitarian cohabitation with or without a piece of paper.
    This fits and belongs in the conjugal marriage of matrimony. T

  8. I am not sure why the examples are always about wives not wanting sex.
    Food, clothing, shelter and sex is a wife’s right. They go together in marriage.

  9. Feminists reference the worst heart wrenching cases in order to justify sbortion.
    In the same way, they blend actual abuse with features of matrimony in order to purvey Christian marriage as abusive in itself.
    The Duluth power and control wheels which are feminisms holy grail mixes actual abuse with Christian marriage in order to portray matrimony as abusive

  10. I concur with A Lady of Reason and would add that sexually depriving a spouse would far more likely lead to adultery than forced sexual abuse.

    Every reasonable person assumes and expects consensual sexual activity to take place in marriage. Marital rape is a loaded, pejorative term invented by marriage hating feminists that turns the aforementioned concept on its head. People who think like this have twisted minds and have no business getting married in the first place.

    Thanks for your continued work on this blog, Lori. It’s greatly appreciated.

  11. I would give ANYTHING to be desired by my husband. If your husband wants you, you are blessed. He loves you. Quit complaining and rejoice in it and the love he offers to you. You ought to be ashamed of yourself if you turn him down. Do you want to know what it’s like to not even be wanted?

    My husband does not want me anymore, and it has been five years. Prior to that, it was rare, sometimes only once a year, but usually two to four times in a year in the twelve years before he ceased all relations with me. I didn’t think married men would want to be celibate that long, but apparently I was mistaken.

    I found out gradually that I’m not the only one; there are many wives who apparently are being denied sex. So this is a two-way street. Unfortunately, we aren’t really acknowledged, but we do exist. I have to be hypervigilant and it is a struggle sometimes. I almost feel ashamed at the many temptations I deal with on a weekly basis (not every single day, thankfully). But there’s a reason, I’m sure, and it’s made me more aware of what my teenage son is probably going through. I choose to believe that it is necessary for me to deal with this so I can pray for him appropriately.

    My husband is not a porn addict (as far as I know), but he was very attached to his mother, and I think that might have something to do with it. He always compared me to her, and I never could quite measure up. For many years this caused me no end of misery, but I have now become used to it to the point that I simply have to let it go. I know I’ve done what I can, and I can’t do much more. It is unwise to confront him (I learned that very early on), so for the sake of peace in our family, I learned to live day to day.

    So, ladies, be THANKFUL your husband wants you. I’d be thrilled to be in your shoes. Go and have sex with him, and remember you release endorphins when you do — they take care of the proverbial headache WAY better than Excedrin!

  12. I just realized I posted that big long essay without sharing some kind of helpful, positive news, which was rather rude of me.

    All of the church elders I have consulted on this seem to feel that in light of new evidence husbands and wives may want to have a discussion with each other about this subject. Sometimes a period of abstinence or fasting is called for if the woman does not feel 100% emotionally, physically and spiritually at ease with sex.

    To be correct it would have to be “with consent” from both husband and wife, of course. If the wife felt that it was spiritually important enough for her to risk her physical health (and the implications that may have on her physical ability to perform her spiritual obligations, as many of the physical disorders brought on by long-term emotional trauma are inflammatory and show up with childbearing as hormones change), the husband would have to consent to allow that as her provider.

    As for my personal experience, I am a God-fearing woman who is clinically sterile due to a hormone disorder. I have also developed a crippling physical disability due to long-term trauma that intersected with that disorder, and I am unable to work without shortening my expected life expectancy by thirty or forty years.

    I was mercifully able to sell the farmland I inherited from my father and move to a very small, accessible condominium in the inner city, where I’m close to a hospital and have respectful and diverse neighbours. I left a lot behind in the country.

    My father left me no instructions and was unaware of my condition at the time of his death. He stipulated that I not inherit until a certain age, during which years I worked until I was hospitalized.

    Some neighbours gave a very healthy bid on the entire plot. I hope they are blessed with abundance, as the Lord has seen fit to provide for me through them in abundance also.

    I studied investment banking, invested very carefully, and was able to purchase a home outright and invest enough to live frugally off of the interest without touching the principle, unless the Lord sees that there is something more important than the health of my finances. Imagine that!

    I live very simply and keep my own home. I have no earthly father that the Lord has provided, so I am devoting myself to (mostly) quiet service.

    This seemed like an interesting place to speak about this subject with others who are not family or elders for the first time.

  13. Men who rape their wives are selfish men. But women who withhold sex are selfish women. No one wants to talk about that.

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