Should Your Happiness Be His Priority?

Should Your Happiness Be His Priority?

Steve Harvey shared a clip about a woman asking Steve about her boyfriend having a beard. One of first things out of her mouth was, “I think my happiness should be his priority.” I believe that many women go into marriage with this same mindset. I sure did! I thought my husband’s priority should be to make me happy and when I quickly found out that this was not true, I was angry and continually frustrated with him.

This is not a recipe for a good marriage, women. It is not your husband’s responsibility to make you happy. No one can make you happy because happiness is a choice regardless of one’s circumstances. This attitude of it being the husband’s priority to make his wife happy comes out of the “Happy Wife, Happy Life” mantra that is widely believed these days. Again, it’s not a husband’s responsibility to keep his wife happy. This puts way too big of a burden on the men.

Joy comes from within. Every day, you have the opportunity to choose to accept your life and its circumstances and rejoice in spite of them or be critical and complaining. You can choose to be thankful and dwell on the good in your life or you can choose to be unthankful and dwell on the negative. You can choose to dwell on the good in your husband or you can dwell on the negative. These are all your choice.

What would it take for your husband to make you happy any ways? If he were perfect and did everything perfect? This isn’t ever going to happen because your husband isn’t perfect and neither are you. Can you imagine having the load on your shoulders of it being your responsibility to keep your husband happy? Men have tried to do this with their wives and most of them have failed miserably. Please, don’t put this heavy burden upon his shoulders. Don’t make your family believe that they will only have a “happy life” if their dad makes their mom happy. Choose joy today!

Many will ask, “But how do we do this?” By continually renewing your minds with God’s Truth and taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. By kicking out negative and critical thoughts when they enter your mind and replacing them with Truth. By not allowing your emotions and feelings to control your life but allowing the Holy Spirit to control you instead.

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
Romans 12:2

25 thoughts on “Should Your Happiness Be His Priority?

  1. I absolutely hate the mentality women have towards marriage, they’re so selfish. It’s not your husbands’ job to make you happy, you get happiness from raising the children and knowing that your housework makes your husbands’ life easier. If you’re not happy and pleasant for him than you’re just making his life difficult and if you’re not making your husbands’ life easier than you need to ask him how you can be more helpful. It’s so funny to me that women nowadays act like men, dress like men, take jobs from men, and scream and shout that they can do anything a man can and then wonder why no good man can stand to spend time with them.

  2. Under the “No Fault” divorce nowadays.
    The women are filing 80% of the time for the divorce.
    Is it because of the husband committing adultery? – nope
    Is it because the husband is being violent towards the wife? – nope

    It is because the wife says the husband is not making her happy…….

    How can a wife change her outlook in marriage to please God?

  3. Hi Lori,

    A fun litmus test my mother shared when I was first dating my husband was: Does he make you happy without doing anything?

    Basically, do I enjoy his company without any gifts, perks of his job, extra fun dates, favors, etc? Does his natural personality make me happy to be around him all on his own, no matter what we are doing or he is talking about?

    That way, anything extra is just that — extra! Not a source of happiness your husband has to chase.

    I went into marriage knowing that my man, regardless of whether he was going out of his way to compliment me or make my life easier made me happy just being himself!

    I know you don’t really believe in considering personality or “compatibility,” but I still think this is good advice for women who do have an interest in this type of friendship & connection (assuming all his other Christian qualifications for being ready for marriage check out!).

      1. Me too…in our house we say “happy spouse, happy house”. When we each choose happiness our household reaps the benefits

  4. Hi Lori.
    Excellent post. Marie, loved your comment also.

    The error that has crept into marriage has also crept into the church. Which makes sense considering that Ephesians 5 tells us that marriage is is a great mystery of Christ and the church. In the church today we act like the selfish wife who expects husband to focus on her happiness and grant her whims. As Christ is the head of the church so is the husband the head of the wife. A wife is to serve her husband and the church is to serve her Lord. I believe strongly that the Lord will begin to judge His church and speak through His servants to correct this error. For He seeks a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing (Eph 5:27).

  5. Dear Lori,
    Fabulous post as always. I was wondering if you would be able to give me some child rearing advice. I have a 14 year old daughter who acts like a child and refuses to grow up. She throws tantrums. She refuses to do anything herself. And she still plays with her stuffed animals. I have tried spanking, reading from the Bible, praying, taking away her things. Nothing helps and I’m at my wits end. How can I make my daughter into a young lady? Thanks in advance. Love your parenting advice.

    Pam

    1. Hi Pam,

      Rebelliousness in children need to begin when they are young and should be finished by the age of four or so. You can’t discipline a 14 year old in the same way you discipline a two year old. With a 14 year old, it is a matter of the heart. She now has a rebellious heart. Pray consistently for her. Model Christ-like behavior towards her. Love her even when she is unlovable. Set boundaries and enforce them. Take away privileges and be consistent. You only have a few more years to work with her. Speak truth to her in love often. God’s Word is the only thing that can break her hardened heart at this age.

      1. You may need to find out if there is something going on you don’t know about. Bullying or molestation at some point.

        1. I agree with M. I can tell you from personal experience that I was molested at a young age and did not tell my mom until almost 4 years ago. I will be 40 this year. Make yourself available to your daughter. Communicate with her daily about little things. Then build on that.

    2. Hi Pam,
      I would get her tested for food allergies and sensitivities. I am a child care worker, and I have seen the elimination of food allergens work wonders in the behavior of certain children. Eliminate sugar and inflammatory foods also. You might also consider getting her tested for autism, especially if behaviors like this have been lifelong or there were developmental/social difficulties earlier in her life. I am not trying to be insulting in any way; I am just trying to give some advice from what I have seen in my work. Yes, bad behavior should never be excusable in a child. Prayer is a must. However, it is best to rule out things like this as well. I also second Lori’s and M’s great advice. I hope this helps! Blessings.

      1. For Pam, I think all this advice from these ladies is excellent. I would add to it, do you think she is scared to grow up? Is there an older sister whom she can’t measure up to? Is there a reason she wants to stay a little girl?

        I’m a reader, so for me, I would read to her, and her to me, all 8 Anne of Green Gables books, because they all touch on growing up in so many different ways.

        But if that seems too much, I’d read together Jane of Lantern Hill. These books naturally lend themselves to discussions on growing up, and they are beautifully written.

  6. Thank you, Lori. This is something I mistakenly thought should be my husband’s priority in life as well. After nearly 40 years of being married, I am thankful for the Lord’s work of grace in our relationship. Unrealistic expectations of having others continually produce happiness in us can lead to a lot of frustration and heartache. It’s not possible. Our joy comes from the Lord. I would love young married couples to learn this lesson early on in their relationship and extend grace in the process. Great post!

  7. Hi Lori,
    I was curious to know your take on depression and anxiety disorders and antidepressants. I’m not sure if you have already written an article on this topic, but I would be interested in hearing your interpretation about it.
    Thanks!

  8. I’ve learned that the best gift I can give to my husband, children, and even my parents, is to choose to be happy.

  9. I recently saw a post by a woman on a popular online forum. The title was “Unhappy”, and she basically said she was unhappy in her marriage, her husband would be on his phone/XBox when he was home, he would sometimes lash out at her in anger or call her names, he controlled the finances, etc. Also, she was a stay-at-home mom of two and pregnant.

    The majority of the responses to her were to “Leave him, he’s abusive,” and “Get out now!”

    I posted that happiness was a choice and that she should stick it out, try to look past his behavior, be gracious, etc. (I guess he worked in a jail, a very high-stress job, constantly surrounded by evil!) I couldn’t believe the comments and anger I received, saying I was disgusting for suggesting that happiness was was a choice, saying that I was gross for suggesting that she should stay with an “abusive” husband (the original post never said anything about any physical violence, by the way).

    I wrote one reply to a comment saying that because my husband has lashed out at me in anger sometimes, that I chose to stay and tolerate abuse in MY relationship (since when is lashing out a someone in anger and apologizing later considered abuse???).

    My husband is in law enforcement and he has told me many times that many (and possibly the majority of) domestic violence calls he gets have a female primary aggressor. I have been shocked by some of the stories of these angry, bitter women who think it’s acceptable to beat up on their man because he wasn’t doing what they wanted him to, and then they’re shocked when they get arrested!

    It makes me sad that even suggesting people work on a relationship or take responsibility for their own joy and happiness in that relationship is so maligned nowadays. Lori, I think I got my taste of what you must deal with on a regular basis with these angry women! Thank you for ignoring it and continuing to teach and be a Titus 2 woman for those of us thirsty for wisdom!

    1. You were brave for speaking truth, Leah. It’s not easy in this culture which wants to shut down any and all free speech that doesn’t align with worldly, feel good speech.

  10. This: “By not allowing your emotions and feelings to control your life but allowing the Holy Spirit to control you instead.”

  11. I am a man. My lady and I have been married for five years. My lady’s happiness is a priority for me, but her happiness is not my responsibility. Her happiness is a priority for me and there are things I can do to make it harder or easier for her to choose happiness, but her happiness is still her choice and her responsibility. I choose to make it easier for her to choose happiness. Maintaining this mindset seems to foster love feelings in me for my lady and she calls me “generous.” By the same token, my lady does special things for me to make it easier for me to choose happiness, as well, but my happiness is, ultimately, my choice, my responsibility.

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