Showing No Grace in Marriage

Showing No Grace in Marriage

It was heartbreaking to see so many Christian women claim that this man who had sex with his wife in the middle of the night without her consent, agreeing with the masses that he had raped her. Where is grace in the marriage? Where is forgiveness, bearing with him, and enduring all things as clearly stated in 1 Corinthians 13? Where is a biblical marriage? This happens one time and most of the women jumped on the worldly train claiming he raped his wife.

Some women did get it, however. They love freely by giving their husbands sexual intimacy and wouldn’t mind if they were woken up in the middle of the night having sex with their husbands. They can’t understand the women who deprive their husbands sexually and claim that this man committed marital rape. These women are living sacrifices as God calls them to be and love being help meets to their husbands in every way. They truly love their husbands!

Some said that what this man did wasn’t marital rape but it was inconsiderate and wrong. Isn’t this the time that we, as God-fearing women, believe in showing grace and mercy for this one discretion? What if he did this several times a year? Then do we call it marital rape and help tear this marriage down? Let me ask you, how many times has God forgiven you? How many times are we told to forgive others? If you don’t know, please begin reading your Bible.

When we believe in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, every single one of our sins was forgiven: all of our past, present, and future sins. We are unworthy of this but Christ did it for us because He loves us. This is His grace and mercy poured down upon us. Even murderers who have repented and believed in Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior are forgiven. The world has no grasp of this type of forgiveness, grace, and mercy, but we who love the Lord Jesus Christ understand it fully since this is what He has done for us.

Are you always considerate with your husband? Have you ever wronged him in any way? Do you deprive your husband sexually thus disobeying God? Can you cast the first stone because you are perfect? Why are so many willing to cast the first stone at this man? We should not be this way, women! This is not biblical in any way. The world wants to use sex as a weapon. We do not. We use it in marriage for our husbands alone. If our husband wakes us up in the middle of the night having sex with us, we willingly comply. We don’t accuse him of marital rape and try to destroy his life over this. Only a rebellious wife would do this to her husband.

Everyone is up in arms about the man’s wrongdoing yet hardly anyone but a few mentioned anything about the wife’s wrongdoing – saying “no” to him for no good reason. She just didn’t feel like it. (He was NOT physically or sexually abusive towards her, and she had never been sexually abused in her past.) Denying her husband sexual intimacy is against God’s instructions to her (1 Corinthians 7:5). I don’t understand a wife who would claim that this happening one time in her marriage could be considered marital rape. Is she loving her husband as God has commanded she love him? God has forgiven her for millions of dollars and she can’t forgive her husband for five dollars? Something is terribly wrong with this marriage.

Finally, what about wives obeying their husbands in everything (Ephesians 5:24) do Christians not understand? A husband wanting to have sex with his wife in the middle of the night is not sin. A godly wife should willingly obey her husband and satisfy him sexually as the Lord commands for her to do. The world cannot understand this because His ways are higher than our ways.

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ,
so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

Ephesians 5:24

43 thoughts on “Showing No Grace in Marriage

  1. What about a man denying his wife of sex or any affection? It started when he went thru a bad depression couple years ago. Now he says he is just physically exhausted every day.

      1. He did view porn for many years. His father introduced him to it when he was 10 yrs old. He said its not an issue for him since becoming a believer. His testosterone was super low and is now on hormone replacement, but still no change.

        1. My husband has very low testosterone as well and has had issues getting it up. Sometimes it takes several things to get it up. We are still working on that. I’m guessing he says it has nothing to do with you, but you could always ask and see. Its possible he is really depressed about something or maybe something else physically is wrong. My husband it also took a mindset change and a heart change. I would pray about it and if he is interested have him check other energy issues. Life Extension online has a chronic fatigue panel that we ran on my husband looking for thyroid, adrenals, and ebstein bar virus. We also did a basic male panel for the testosterone. I hope you get some answers! I KNOW how rough this is for a woman especially if you have any kind of normal to high drive! I spent years crying over this issue! God has been gracious though and my drive has dropped (thank you nursing hormones) and my husband has gotten a grip on his porn and a change of heart in many ways concerning this topic. Things CAN change even if they take time and prayer! Trust the Lord!

          1. Personally, if this has happened to you — and it definitely happened to me — probably the only thing you can do is pray and ask God for the strength you need. Keep your struggles to yourself. Remember that it’s an opportunity for growth. Very few men are going to appreciate being questioned on any topics, especially one that concerns them so personally, and usually bringing up the subject will do more harm than good.

            It is an opportunity — painful, yes — for spiritual growth. Opening up your hands to accept the loneliness will provide the graces to turn it into solitude. Solitude can cause tremendous growth. The more I tried to “find the solution” to the loneliness, the worse it became, the greater the temptations became, the more desperate I became, because I wanted to be loved and cherished and wanted. I thought “if I just do this, everything will change.” And all I did was nearly destroy myself. I wandered into reading material and areas I shouldn’t have. I had to pull myself out of it alone, on my own. Nobody cared.

            Also, accept Christ as your spiritual husband. He is not only a Saviour, but He has called himself a husband to the widow and father to the fatherless. He provides the graces you need for the moment. One thing I had to learn was to stop worrying about tomorrow. I will get the graces for tomorrow tomorrow, not today. “Sufficient for today is the evil thereof,” you know.

            Above all, don’t bother your husband. Men as a rule don’t like to discuss things, and it’s usually best to keep your troubles to yourself. He’s really not interested. If he asks, ask a few questions yourself to see what he really wants to know. One time I mentioned my struggles in a brief way, and he told me I needed to increase my spiritual life. He told me he would send me on a spiritual retreat. I went on the retreat. I was so lonely for him the entire time and all I could think about was his arms. It was devastating to come home and be rebuked when I reached for him. The ache in my soul was unbelievably painful. I went for a walk and poured myself out to God and asked Him to please take it away. He didn’t answer the prayer entirely, but He made it bearable. That’s when I realized that I needed to put away the marriage books, stop reading most of the blogs, and stop trying to get something that I could never have.

            I’ll be praying for you. You can overcome this. You can accept what is your lot and you can become the spiritual spouse of Christ. We have Heaven to look forward to, and nothing on this earth can compare to it.

    1. He may be viewing porn secretly as well. I would lovingly ask him about it. Also could be low hormone levels esp if the low energy is a problem. But most importantly I would pray for him and this! I have been in your shoes and the Lord graciously over time has helped us! My husband had all of the issues I mentioned and he has found healing in many ways and so has our marriage! Don’t give up! Pray and beg the Lord for wisdom and answers!

    2. THANK YOU

      I was scared the one & only time my husband woke me up in the middle of the night with sex. He though it would be romantic, but guys have to realize a lot of women are attacked, we are sleeping wake up, and first instinct is panic. He apologized & from then on always woke me up gently first. Of course he works a very demanding physical job, so a lot of nights he is tired & we rotate our sexually activities to fit our needs. I get tired as well.

      when one spouse if too tired for penetrations sex. opt for hand, oral, etc. theres a lot of options that you can do for each other. men & women should start getting along with each other & serving God instead of tearing each other down. Come on people look at the crazyness in the world that keeps increasing because us Christians & professing to be christians are too busy condeming each other. My mom & Grandma would me horrified that my husband & I have sex with each other with the lights on & to pleasure each other. Let alone that we do hands jobs, oral, talk about what we want to do to each other. They would tell me that we are sinning. My husband is ONLY CONCERNED ABOUT MY PLEASURE. Of course he loves what I can do to him.

      Thanks
      God Bless

  2. In all the comments on this site, unless they were on your Facebook site,( I do not do Facebook) I didn’t read where any of the Christian women said he raped her nor did I see any comment saying that he sinned and she did not sin. I believe most of the Christian women who read your blogs know their Biblical,God mandated oblications, including sex to their husbands. I think the “Christian” women you are referring to and are trying to reach out and mentor to on the sin of denying their husbands are not reading to be convicted of and repent of their sin. They want to cause you trouble.

      1. As stated in my comment I do not do Facebook, so no I did not see the comments there seeing that I don’t even have a Facebook account. Never have never will.

        1. Well, Anonymous 1, you can’t say, “I didn’t see any of those comments” and then say “I don’t do Facebook” like it is an excuse for not knowing what was going on.

          A lot of Christian women need to hear the truth more than once to understand how to exhibit grace and love towards their husbands.

          When you say they aren’t “ready” to hear this message, then I don’t think you understand human nature.

          No one is “ready” to be reprimanded, to be exhorted to do what is hard to do. That is why they need to hear it over and over again.

          This is a good post for a follow-up by Lori.

          1. I know what’s going on don’t have to have Facebook to know. Lori is getting negative comments from Christian women who pick and choose what they want to obey in God’s word. Many so called Christian women will never follow the total word of God, there will always be feminist women who call themselves Christians that will come with backlash to Lori’s teaching.I did not say they were not ready to hear they don’t want to hear.

  3. Yeah it really is crazy the negative responses. Her body is his body and vice versa. Plus many if not all forget the whole submit/obey your husband in EVERYTHING. If he isn’t asking you to sin, a wife shouldn’t be denying or disobeying her husband. She is in subjection to him once she says I do at the alter. I expect the world to be against this but some professing christians too? Maybe they need to dive deeper in their bibles.

  4. Sad you jump to the conclusion someone you supposedly trust above all else is a rapist just becuase he initiated intimacy! Then again, men are the enemy in the eyes of the radical feminist. If you have an issue talk it over with your husband instead of acting like a stranger came into your bed!

    1. I agree! Our husbands are the men we love, who love us in return. We would give our lives for them, and them for us. What an insult to think he could ever be guilty of such a disgusting crime of rape, especially when all he’s done is taken what is his, during the night. And what an insult to victims of actual rape, who were subjected to such a hideous, violent violation which will impact their lives forever. The two events can not even begin to be compared!

  5. The Western attitude of women is going to be their demise. My American husband of Scottish decent is so turned off by today’s feminists that he says if I die early he’s going to Africa to find his next wife (I don’t think he’s joking either) although he regularly tells me how thankful he is that I’m his wife. We will definitely be warning our son to stay far away from the Western mindset and advise his friends to as well.

  6. But the natural man (or woman) receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned. 1 Corinthians 2:14

    People claim to be Christian, but they’re not. Only a born again person can understand why a husband and wife must give sex to each other. The world hates God; it hates truth. Jesus said if you hear truth, you hear me. This post exposes fake Christians; it rattles their hyper grace, rock n roll, emerging church nonsense, and they can’t take it.

    They realize serving God is gonna cost something and they have a tantrum about it, because they are the second and third type of seeds Jesus spoke of in the parable.

    This blog awakens many to the fact that they are not of the Spirit, but of the world. 99% of so called Christians are zombies, articles like this wake them, but sadly almost all will just hate the light.

    Keep going Lori,

    Amen sister!

    1. They don’t understand how duped they’ve been by feminism. I like what Trey wrote on yesterday’s post:

      “What it boils down to is that women don’t want to submit to their husbands. They want to control their own lives, do what THEY want to do and not have to do anything they don’t want to do. Thus, being able to deny their husbands sex is foundational to the feminist movement.”

  7. A part of the tragedy in all of this is that if her husband had desired to abuse her it’s very unlikely he would have to wait until she was asleep to do so. To believe this was rape you’d have to believe that the husband is such a weak man that the he could not overpower an unwilling woman and is forced to skulk around at the dead of night and take her when she was unconscious. Its absurd on its face and makes more sense to see the situation as a man who desired to be intimate with the woman he loved and failed to discipline his actions until a more appropriate time. If you think he behaved foolishly fine but it sets the bar for rape so low you’ll make a rapist out of everyman that stole a kiss or any other innocuous romantic action.

  8. Lori, I’m genuinely curious here about what you would believe of my situation. I married but I don’t regularly have sex with my husband. Not to deprive anyone of physical intimacy, but because penetrative sex is very painful for me. I have endometriosis, so physical intimacy of that nature is excruciating. While I’m currently seeking treatment, as it stands we don’t have sex beyond oral because the pain is unbearable. Does this count as depriving him?

  9. At this point in time feminism is so ingrained into society that anyone or anything that goes against that gets labeled misogynistic when it reality it’s feminism that misogynistic. The reality is that he was the provider and did his duty as a husband but she didn’t do her duty as a wife but because feminism teaches women that they matter more than men and to steal men’s power, he is apparently wrong.

  10. I find it rather dumbfounding that anyone who claims to be a believer in Christ would question the husband’s motivation or whether or not grace should be extended. Grace should Always be extended. And we should believe the best about others. However that does not mean we should take sin lightly or dismiss it. And it does not mean we shouldn’t have healthy boundaries. But I don’t think the husband’s actions were sinful. If anything, he was sending a message to his wife as to how desperately he needed Her to fulfil that deepest need right in that moment. If anything, he was blessing his wife and even if she had refused him earlier, she would of been wise to tell him she didn’t realise how desperately he needed it and thanked him for loving her in that way, then heartily joined in. Some men become so desperate and lack the self control they wander. Just to have that need released. The fact that he acknowledges she was the woman who could best help him is a massive blessing. And we should be praising him for it. What a blessed woman she is!😍

  11. Hi Lori,
    My thought has always been (and my husband agrees) that both men and women have to fight the desires of the flesh (e.g. sex, excessive food, alcohol, entertainment, consumerism) and strive for asceticism:

    Romans 8:5-8 “Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.”
    We both try to make sure that our sexual life also reflects these principles of self-control. My husband usually stops and prays whenever he feels like his flesh is trying to control his actions. What are your thoughts on that? Could it be that men who desire sex with their wives too often are violating these principles? This is something that has always been confusing to me.

    1. How do we know this man desires sex “too often”? Nothing has ever been known about how often he wants sex. All I do know is that our job, as wives, is not to deprive them. God tells us that it is better to marry than to burn. He is the One who gave men their strong sex drive. In marriage, sex is good and right.

    2. I don’t know that is right to consider sex (within the context of marriage) as a desire (or deed) of the flesh?

      Sex was created by God for marriage. Within the bounds of marriage it is good and right and pure and holy.

      Galatians 5:19 says “Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: (sexual) immorality, impurity, sensuality,”

      Paul tells us here that sexual IMMORALITY is a deed of the flesh, but holy sex within marriage in certainly not immoral.

      1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife. Do not deprive one another, except by mutual consent and for a time, so you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again, so that Satan will not tempt you through your lack of self-control.”

      Paul tells us that husbands and wives should be having sex and having it often and that if (by mutual agreement) it’s decided to give it a break (for prayer) that it should only be for a short time and then you need to get back at it so that you will not have to deal with immoral sexual temptations.

      In practical terms, sex should be had as often as it takes to keep the higher drive spouse satisfied so they avoid having to deal with sexual temptation. Early in marriage that might be twice a day (three times a day on the weekends) and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. As age sets in, the frequency will diminish but whatever it takes to avoid temptation is whatever it takes and there should be no shame in it whatsoever. The Bible does not give any limitations to how often the married should be having sex but Proverbs says a man should be satisfied “at all times” and “always”.

      Proverbs 5:19 says “As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love.”

  12. Hey Lori,

    I just wanted to say that I have been reading your blog since I was a newly wed 6 years ago. I have read your blog many times late at night with a heavy heart due to marriage issues, heart issues, sin issues etc… I have dwelled on your comments about the wasted years many times. The Lord has put my husband and I through many trials with our living situations, children and death in the family. Stress and trials have been great in our short marriage, but I’m SO grateful and thankful for your blog and youtube videos. I have come back again and again and again to read and reread articles. I wish I wasn’t so stubborn and learned more quickly, but eventually the words of truth have worn my hard heart down and the Lord has been gracious. I just wanted to thank you for being a beacon in this dark world of sin! Its such a blessing to jump on your blog and read something encouraging all the time! Sometimes I go a while without reading and then read many posts at one time. I always find at least one if not all the speak truth to my selfish heart and desires. May the Lord bless you for what you do and give you many years to come to continue sharing His truth with others!

  13. The wife needs to forgive her husband and just gently let him know that she prefers sex when they both are awake. the man isn’t a rapist because he did not coerce her or physically force her. Also why did the wife not say “no, let’s do it later” if she was unhappy with him making love t her in her sleep? sounds like the wife needs to learn to honestly express her desires and preferences and set boundaries (husband should feel able to do the same) Both of them need to learn that both their needs (his for sex, hers for sleep) are important and work out how to satisfy both

    1. Girl4Jesus,

      Given the Bibles instruction in Ephesians 5:22-24
      “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”

      Is is really appropriate for a wife to “set boundaries” for her husband?

      Is it appropriate for the church to set boundaries for Christ?

      1. Good point Trey. I think she was just saying its nice to talk about it and to let him know what she prefers. A good husband will take her request into consideration. He is suppose to be loving towards her. But yeah biblically speaking she is not living in subjection by setting “boundaries”.

  14. I just found this site today,after another site mentioned the blog in a negative context. I find myself reading through the other blog to guage where ‘Christian’ society is going, although I initially thought it was a biblically focused site. Unfortunately, it seems that the clear teaching of scripture is becoming more and more uncommon.

    The idea that this husband raped his wife is ludicrous to me. I have been in the same place and my wife loved knowing that she is so intensely desired. She also has found herself sleeping more deeply afterwards and waking up with a great outlook on the day.

    I believe society, and Satan, is seeking to destroy marriages, especially Christian marriages. Men and women are told to put their own needs over the needs of their spouse and children. This is not right. The reality is that rape is not possible, unless there is an abusive relationship, as we both gave each other permission to fully enjoy each other when we said our vows. My body is not my own, she has claim to it. She committed herself to me for life, therefore she has ‘purchased’ all the rights that go with such a commitment. Likewise, I have done the same. Having a like minded wife is a precious thing. As we strive to serve God together, there is peace in our home.

    1. I try to stay as biblically accurate as possible, Chris, even when it’s highly unpopular to do so. I agree completely with you. If I had told this woman that her husband had raped her, her marriage would be on the path of destruction.

      1. That is very much appreciated. I noticed that you have taken a stand on clear principles of scripture, even though some are not popular with many “Christians” today. I don’t debate (respectfully at most times) areas of scripture that are not clear cut in their interpretation, but there is much that is crystal clear. My wife and I have both found it rather disheartening how many claim to follow Christ yet want to pick and choose what they follow.

    2. “I have been in the same place and my wife loved knowing that she is so intensely desired. She also has found herself sleeping more deeply afterwards and waking up with a great outlook on the day.”

      I can attest that over the years my husband stopped having relations with me, I sleep on average maybe five hours a night. Never more than that. I usually wake up still tired as well. By noon or so, I’m drooping and need coffee. Only on rare occasions — maybe twice a month — I will sleep eight hours straight, but it’s usually after a couple of nights of barely sleeping at all and walking through the daytime hours like a zombie. I take something over the counter every so often, but you have to be careful with that stuff. Chamomile tea helps, but it’s not very strong.

      So, YES — if you want decent health, then QUIT DENYING YOUR HUSBAND!!!!!! You’ll live longer! You’ll sleep better!! It is already well documented that lack of sleep leads to all sorts of health problems. Don’t be a statistic.

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