Teaching Your Children to Be Chaste
Teaching your children to be virgins before marriage isn’t enough. There’s no boundaries when teaching this. This is why many young people are confused as to how *far* they can go sexually. Is petting okay? Is French kissing okay? Is some form of nakedness with each other okay? There’s a lot of guilt when boundaries aren’t clearly established.
Older women are taught to teach young women to be chaste. What does chaste mean? I have an entire chapter on this word in my book “Biblical Womanhood A Study Guide” if you want to go into depth on this word and search all of the Bible verses about it.
Chaste according to the 1828 Webster Dictionary means “Pure from all unlawful commerce of sexes. Applied to persons before marriage, it signifies pure from all sexual commerce, undefiled; applied to married persons, true to the marriage bed.” We are told in Hebrews to keep the marriage bed undefiled. What does defiled mean? “Made dirty, or foul; soiled; corrupted; violated.”
You see, there’s a LOT more to simply remaining virgins before the wedding. Many couples have done everything but have intercourse, then claimed they were virgins. Technically, yes, they were, BUT they were far from being chaste which God commands of us. I sure wish I would have been taught this when I was a teenager, since I struggled knowing what the boundaries were, and no adult could clearly tell me. The boundaries were made up in their own minds instead of adhering to the Word of God.
When you understand that you are called to be chaste before marriage, this means a withdrawal from anything sexual or impure including porn and probably even masturbation since how can one masturbate without having thoughts that aren’t pure? It means being held accountable to others while “dating” or courting a man you may be interested in. The best way to do this is to not be alone for long periods of time. This is a recipe for sexual impurity.
The way the Duggars approach this seems reasonable in light of Scripture. They don’t kiss until their wedding day. They have chaperones when they go on dates or anywhere else. When the kids are asked why they have these boundaries, they will freely admit that they want to be chaste until marriage. This is their goal, and they’re willing to have boundaries to protect this God-given goal. Is it difficult for them? Yes! But difficult doesn’t mean bad.
Many will call these goals “legalistic” (adding to God’s Word), but they’re not. They’re simply made in order to obey God’s Word. “It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband” (1 Corinthians 7:1,2).
Some may have the self-control needed in order to be chaste before marriage without boundaries, but I venture to say that most do not and would have appreciated clear boundaries before marriage. Honest men and women will admit that kissing gets their “motors running,” so how long should a couple kiss before marriage? Maybe not at all, or just not too long of kisses. Encourage them to have short engagements (a few months)!
If you’re serious about living obediently to God, then setting up boundaries in your own life will always be a good thing. Some couples once married decide to never be alone with a member of the opposite sex. This is a good boundary. Pray for wisdom in this area. Talk about it with your teenagers. If they don’t have rebellious hearts but desire to please the Lord in everything, they will want boundaries because they know that God’s ways are perfect and for their protection.
To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
Titus 2:5
12 thoughts on “Teaching Your Children to Be Chaste”
Yes, not having or knowing clear boundaries is the root of all sorts of misadventures. It has taken me a long time to figure it out as I didn’t have much guidance and television and teen books confuse the issue even more.
What I’ve come to understand and am passing down to my children is to do nothing with the opposite sex that you wouldn’t see mommy do with a man that isn’t daddy. Any other interaction is intimate and/or sexual in nature and should be reserved for your spouse.
I’m the first to admit that two unmarried people holding hands isn’t the same as two married people carrying on an affair but since we are called to make a distinction between the holy and all else that is a clear difference. I’m grateful you brought this topic up because even the most well meaning Christians falter because there is no boundary and even more importantly transparency.
We will not allow our children alone with the opposite sex. I have no issues with them having private conversations but they will be within view of somebody at all times. When they are adults and if still unmarried that will be up to them to hold to the standard but that is the one we will provide for them.
Whilst I believe that supervised courtship under the protection of the family is the ideal my husband and I met a little later in life when I was ‘living independently’ (not the ideal).
We established our own rules perhaps because age give more awareness of danger !
We avoided being alone together in private situations, were always modest and drew the line at a hug and brief ‘peck’ or kiss on the cheek – no more.
Children school be taught physical modesty and respect for themselves and God’s design for them and their bodies from infancy with an age appropriate understanding of chastity as they grow up. That includes an understanding that self abuse (masturbation) is sinful and leads to further sin, that our bodies should be modestly covered and that intimate physical contact is a blessing in marriage but a sin outside of it.
I was not given boundaries either, and it was never explained to me why “waiting until marriage” was even important. I now understand that sex will always be a moral issue because there is an invisible third party, the child, who is involved. God’s laws have to do with protecting the weakest member of society, the baby, and the safest place for that weakest member is statistically within the household of his committed married mother and father. Thus any sexual behaviors that either weaken the current or bonds of marriage or do not promote natural family creation are regarded as sinful. I am teaching my teenagers this because I think it will help give them a context for “why”. I have given this a lot of thought and while I am teaching them about waiting for sex until marriage, I wouldn’t want my children to avoid kissing someone they are dating. I only say this because I had a boyfriend that I really liked, and after our first kiss I felt really gross and broke up with him the next day. I think it was some sort of mismatched pheromone thing.
According to the gossip mags, Jana Duggar is in a courtship!
I’ve been watching Jana with interest because she followed my life path (not by choice…no one stays single until their 30s by choice…no one.)
Being chaste is pretty easy when you find someone young.
It’s like elementary school when everyone lines up and chooses teams for the lunchtime sport game. If you don’t get chosen first, you may not get chosen and life gets considerably more complicated.
If Jana does get married, I can’t wait to hear the whole story of how they met and connected, and why her future husband was still single as well.
Oh, I have not heard that! I hope it’s true since she is a wonderful, godly woman. She will make an incredible wife and mother.
“Teaching our children to be chaste”
God’s word is always good.
Sadly, MOST women teach their children and other women, the opposite of God’s word. By both word and deed.
I see many women buying the clothes for their young girls and dressing their girls in harlot clothing. Teaching them to be naked and expose their body so they can attract a boy / man at a young age. And mommy, even though she is married, still wears revealing clothes so other men lust for her.
Many women put their daughters on birth control pills when they are teenagers. Because their daughters need to be ready when the boys want sex.
Many women teach their daughters it is okay to have sex outside of marriage even though they are married. Many daughters know their mom is having sex with other men besides her husband.
Over the months on this blog, I have heard “christian” women argue that kissing is not sexual. But yet if a man walked up to that same woman on the street and kissed her, she would file sexual assault against him.
Also I have heard on here “christian” women arguing that a woman’s God given hymen as a symbol of her virginity is not important.
Also on here I have heard “christian” women BRAGGING about their times with all their “bad boys”, the great sex, booze and drugs. Not a trace of repentance in their voice. Yet when called out on it, I’m just being jealous of all the “bad boys” getting sex and I’m not. I’m not jealous, I actually feel pity for the women. And for the record, I COULD be a “bad boy” if I chose to be one. But as a Christian man, being a “bad boy” and a Christian is incompatible. A Christian obeys God’s word. A “bad boy” is only out to have sex with as many women as possible.
On here I have heard “christian” women argue that a man should accept a woman’s word that she is a virgin. Yet it is plain that most women teach their daughters from a young age to lie about her sexual history.
Absolutely amazing, in a sad sense, that so many women can go against God’s word and think it is okay. Do most women think that when they stand in front of Jesus in judgment, that THEY WILL SET JESUS straight on what is acceptable?
Or should these many rebellious women get on their knees or belly and beg Jesus for forgiveness.
Then get on your knees or belly before your husband and beg his forgiveness for your rebellion and adulteries against him.
1 (Thessalonians) 4:3 For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:1 (Thessalonians) 4:4 That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour;1 (Thessalonians) 4:5 Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God:
The answer to “What can we do?” boils down to “Don’t do anything you wouldn’t do in front of your parents.”
I apologize, for this is somewhat off-topic. My 17-year-old daughter recently told me that she’s a homosexual. I don’t know what to do or where I went wrong. She and her siblings were sheltered from secular culture, brought up to be Jesus-loving homemakers, and ALWAYS taught that homosexuality was a wicked lifestyle that went against God and His perfect design. If you have any guidance on this topic, I would greatly appreciate it. God bless.
Keep praying for her and pouring love upon her. She needs to continue to see and feel the love of Christ coming from you.
Two words. Conversation therapy. Make your daughter aware of how sinful this is. She will never, ever be happy if she is “gay”.