The Curse of Emotional Needs

The Curse of Emotional Needs

Women believe their husbands should meet their emotional needs, whatever that means. Here’s what Psychology Today said about this: “The idea of ’emotional needs’ is one of the more harmful notions of pop psychology. The term came into popular discourse in the 1980s, as part of what is known as the culture of self-obsession, which has grown steadily, as scores on measures of narcissism indicate.” I am not a fan of psychology, but I agree with this completely.

I tried to find Bible verses on emotional needs, but there weren’t any. Yes, we’re emotional beings, especially us women. This is one of our main struggles, dealing with our emotions in a positive way. It’s good to mourn with those who mourn and grieve with those who grieve, but to focus upon our “emotional needs” can easily delve into self-pity which is satanic. It’s taking our eyes off of Christ and putting them onto ourselves.

When I was a young wife, I used my emotions to manipulate my husband. Many women do this. They will give them the silent treatment in order to get what they want. They will allow their emotions to control their behavior. If they’re feeling good and everything is right with the world, they’re happy. If their husband is doing something they don’t like or they’re simply plain angry with them, their behavior will clearly show this to everyone in their home.

From the article: “The perception of need falsely explains much of our negative experience in intimate relationships. If I feel bad in any way for any reason, it’s because my partner isn’t meeting my needs. It doesn’t matter that I’m tired, not exercising, bored, ineffective at work, or stressed from the commute and the declining stock market, or if I’m mistreating him or her or otherwise violating my values; I’m convinced that I feel bad because she’s not meeting my needs.”

God has some things to say about our thought lives in which our emotions flow. He commands that we take EVERY thought captive to the obedience of Christ. He tells us that we are transformed by renewing our minds with Truth. He wants us to dwell on the good and the lovely. He doesn’t want us self-analyzing our emotions nor allowing our emotions to dictate our behavior. He wants Truth to dictate our behavior.

This obsession with emotions is not healthy. If you feel like crying, then cry but don’t let it linger and cause you to steal your joy. If you’re upset about something your husband is doing, you must decide if you’re being reasonable or simply deciding you want your own way. Share your thoughts with him if you haven’t already and have decided you need to do so, but then give it to the Lord. Don’t become a contentious wife as the Proverbs warns about. Pour love and grace freely upon your husband and others.

All of your anxious, fearful, critical, and negative emotions need to be dealt with in a biblical way. Replace all of these thoughts with Truth, and the promises God gives to you. If you’re anxious and fearful, quickly remind yourself that the joy of the Lord is your strength, and we are not to be anxious about anything but be thankful instead and give all of our requests to the Lord. He is in control. He owns everything. He wants us to trust Him.

With the critical and negative emotions, kick them out immediately and begin to be thankful and dwell on the lovely and the good instead. Thank the Lord for all of the blessings you have in your life. We are commanded to rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS! Then He repeats it, “Again, I say rejoice!” Don’t allow your bad emotions to steal your joy or the joy of others.

Yes, it takes practice, women, but it’s SO worth it. Don’t allow your PMS hormones dictate your behavior either. Don’t allow sickness or disease dictate them. Let truth dictate your behavior!

As many of you know, I was very sick for 30 years. Early on, I decided that just because I was miserable and suffering didn’t mean I was going to make my children’s lives miserable. I learned to suffer in silence and take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. My children witnessed this. They saw that I never blamed God, and I didn’t complain. I never lost my faith. This was a far greater witness to the power of Christ living in me than anything else I could have done while raising them.

You may think this is too hard for you. No, you can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you! The more you do it, the easier it will become. No longer be led by your feelings and emotions. Your family will enjoy your peaceful, joyful, and steady presence in their lives as you learn to dwell on the good and the lovely and be thankful. This will bless your family tremendously!

Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5

***Here’s a video I made on this topic: Husbands are NOT Commanded to Meet Our Emotional Needs

9 thoughts on “The Curse of Emotional Needs

  1. My emotions control me more than control them. It helps me be more nurturing but also makes me a lot for others to handle when I’m down. I can’t figure out a balance. Should I try to shut them all down or should I try to influence the positive ones…

    Anyways, my therapist told me that our emotional needs should be forfilled through Christ and that’s what this post reminded me off. I don’t know how to have my emotional needs filled through Christ.. most of my spiritual journey despite pertaining to Biblical womanhood has been stressful.

    I don’t feel loved or wanted by Jesus. I wish I did but my feelings say otherwise. It hurts and I feel like I am nothing but a screaw up. Who should have never existed. Struggled with depression for years and I’m only 18.

    I wish I felt consistently safe and loved by Jesus but I don’t. Don’t know what to do…Thank you for your post as always.

  2. @Ife,

    The Bible says “Ask and it will be given unto you”.
    Jesus also said “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us”.
    Do you pray to receive a spirit of forgiveness, of respect and submission to your husband? Do you pray for a love for and trust in Jesus?
    In my own life I harbour resentment and anger towards my wife who betrayed me. I went through years of emotional turmoil, including temptation to kill myself.
    One night before my night time prayers I realized that I was unforgiving and that it was destroying my soul. I started asking for a spirit of forgiveness. My sense of rage and vengeance dissipated.

  3. Ifeolufa if it helps I dont always feel it too, but I KNOW it. I know, I believe and I trust that Jesus loves me. Even though I dont always feel it, I choose to trust. When I dont see good things I so badly pray for, I still choose to live by faith, not by sight. Read Bible, trust it is Gods word spoken to you.

  4. Excellent post!
    The other night, my husband said some things that really upset me. I honestly don’t think he realized how much his words bothered me. Nevertheless, I wanted to cry, to give him a piece of my mind…but I just lay in bed and prayed the Lord would give me wisdom, would help my husband…and many other prayers along those lines. I fell asleep and woke up, totally forgetting about the issue until much later in the day; by that point I was better able to handle those concerns and not be so ruled by emotion.

    Biting our tongues while silently praying + a night of sleep can do wonders for certain issues 🙂

    God always gives us a way out of any temptation, even temptation toward the self-pity, contentious attitudes we may have. I’ve screwed this up many times, but God is so faithful to keep growing us through His Spirit and the knowledge of His Word. We MUST know the scriptures and be daily feeding upon them! This post referenced so many truths of God’s Word! That’s how we have to live!

    God through His Word is my source of bread when my soul is starved. I’ve learned I don’t need my husband to fulfill my emotional needs, although it’s a nice bonus when he does in some way. The Bread of Life is our truest and most lasting source. ♥️ Let us draw near to Him!

  5. @Nnaaa and @RiCanuk
    Thank you for your thoughtful comments and I thank Mrs.Lori for the post. I will take your advice and try reading my Bible more and trusting even though my feelings are the way they are. I appreciate the kindness from you all a lot. Thank you ?

  6. Whatever “emotional needs” means, indeed.

    I’ve heard of women divorcing their husbands for the reason that “he wasn’t meeting my emotional needs.” 🙁

  7. Emotional needs are real and human. Women can love Jesus, their husbands and themselves and still have them. The issue isn’t the need or the expression of the need, it’s using those emotional needs to manipulate another.

  8. Dear IfeOluwa, I think we all struggle with our emotions. For Christians, God has given His precious Word so that we can live by His Word and not trust our fleeting and ever-changing emotions. Saturate yourself daily with His Word and see His love for His children and his rich promises to us. Write down every day the blessings you’ve enjoyed or are enjoying. Find Scripture passages that are especially comforting to you and memorize them, calling them to mind frequently. I recently listened to this talk by Paul Washer called “My Soul’s Needs and Biblical Keys for Growth.” You may find this talk helpful as it touches on emotions.

  9. As a woman, I know I can struggle with my emotional nature, but as a born again Christian, I also know that self-control is a fruit of the spirit. As this branch (me) continues to abide in the Vine (Jesus), my fruit of the spirit will only grow. Thank you Lord for loving me❤️

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