Virginity Stolen Through Sexual Abuse

Virginity Stolen Through Sexual Abuse

There are women whose virginity was stolen from them through sexual abuse and no fault of their own. Some were offended by my viral post encouraging young women to be virgins until marriage. How are they to erase the pain and guilt they feel from this happening to them? Are they “no good” since they can’t be virgins on their honeymoon by no choice of their own? I want to make it clear that my post was directed to those women who actually have a choice in keeping or losing their virginity before marriage NOT to those who had theirs stolen. So please understand the huge difference, but here’s what I say to those women who didn’t get to choose to be virgins on their wedding night.

My encouragement to them would be to learn who they are in Christ. They are new creatures in Him; the old is gone (2 Corinthians 5:17) and God restores the years the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25). They need to find their worth and value in Him since His love is unconditional and everlasting (Romans 8:31-39). Bitterness will destroy them (Hebrews 12:15) so they need to rid themselves of it. Those who violated them were walking in the flesh and being led by the prince of the power of the air, Satan. It is a spiritual battle being waged in the heavenlies (Ephesians 6:12) but greater is He who is in them than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4). They will be transformed by continually renewing their minds with truth (Romans 12:2). It doesn’t mean they won’t bear the scars of their abuse but they can find healing through Christ.

I asked the wise women in the chat room for their advice for these women and here are some of their responses. Some comments are from those who have experienced sexual abuse in their childhood.

Stacey: “I don’t know – I wish when I was really hurting after the abuse someone told me that childhood rape was not me giving away my virginity; that it was stolen and God knows the difference between childhood rape and willing sex. I wasn’t told this and another abusive woman in my life called me a slut at five years old. So I thought I was!

“Until I learned the difference which, unfortunately, wasn’t until a few years ago, I thought I was just too dirty and sexually deviant because I lured a family member at such a young age. To the women actively struggling with this, being raped and molested is not a choice but instead is a sin committed against you. While we are responsible for healing, the sex crime is not their fault and does not need atoning.

“Now it doesn’t bother me but a while ago those posts would have devastated me because Satan used that teaching to scare me from God. Sexual abuse of children is such a deep, awful evil that infects the poor child’s body, mind, and soul. Satan sure devastates children with it; we have to be vigilant in helping victims. At least, I wish people were vigilant in noticing me and helping me. Praise God, I found wonderful people who He brought in my life. I hope that helps! Sorry some are hurting by your post. Unfortunately, Satan wants that, I think. Praying he loses ground and these women find peace and the innocence God wants for them.”

Cassie: “As a person who has been abused at ten and raped at fourteen and eighteen, I took no offense to your post. Part of it is their victim mentality. [Those who were sexually abused were victims at the time but they don’t have to stay victims with a victim mentality their entire lives. This only hurts them.] Once you lose your victim mentality and that everyone should feel sorry for you and walk on eggshells about what they say, there is nothing to find offense against. I honestly do not think there is anything you can say to comfort those who want to remain a victim against this offense. But they do need to understand that you teach to those who give it away or have the opportunity to give it away and that you are called to speak that truth to help those make better choices.

“They also need to learn to find healing from Jesus Christ and Him alone and allow Him to lift them up and beyond the devastating effects of those abuses. Once they learn to leave the guilt where it belongs and that is with the offender and not them, they will begin to find more peace.”

Lindsay: “It is precisely because virginity is valuable that what was done to them is such a terrible wrong. Of course, it is not their fault if someone abused or raped them. It’s not a sin on their part. But it was a terrible sin what was done to them, not only because they were violated, but because it robbed them of their innocence that should have been theirs on their wedding night. Rape and abuse leave scars that can be hard to overcome.

“The ideal is virginity and innocence on the wedding night so that husband and wife can learn together without fear or past memory getting in the way, but they were robbed of that through the sins of others. They can certainly go on to have a wonderful married sex life anyway, but the scars are going to be there, and that is a tragedy. It doesn’t negate the experiences of these women to point out that virginity is a precious thing to be saved for marriage. It affirms that great wrong was done to them. It should also be pointed out that no one said that the only valuable thing about a woman is her virginity. What was said is that virginity should be saved for marriage.”

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

6 thoughts on “Virginity Stolen Through Sexual Abuse

  1. I agree, you can be a spiritual virgin, I would think, as you are still pure at heart. You never wanted or lusted after another man, he forced himself on you and robbed your most precious gift, one you should have chosen to give to a worthy husband. So so tragic 🙁 That is why rape of women is also vile. Not only for feminist jargon about bodily autonomy, but for the deep significance of what was stolen : your greatest gift as a woman, to bestow upon someone worthy you’ll spend the rest of your life with. Today though, in hook up culture, the concept of rape, like sex, is cheapened beyond measure, into “he said she said” after a regretted hook up the morning after! Not a man forcing down a virtuous lady against the fiber of her being! Rape is not merely about forcing someone to have sex against their will, it’s about robbing a woman of her greatest gift to give to a man. That should not be cheapened by false allegations that disrespect and gravely insult REAL victims, nor hook up culture that cheapens what sex should mean for a woman! It is not your fault if your virtue was stolen from you, as long as you remain pure at heart.

  2. Great comment, Lady of Reason! I have never heard of a single Christian man who would have any problem marrying a young lady who was abused, as he knows that she was an unwilling party to the sins done against her. If God does not see her giving away her virginity, she still has it to give away.

    The fact is that the gift of virginity has been cheapened by our society so much that even most Christian young people are going along with the flow of society and robbing themselves and their future spouse of the knowledge that I have kept this precious gift just for you. There are seen and unseen consequences to giving away one’s virginity in their teens that God wants to protect the person against, but more so, God wants the marriage bed to be set apart for just two for life.

    My heart aches for the abused and we cannot have it both ways. We cannot have society laughing at those who are trying to protect their kids from the partying/sex scene as being “unrealistic” and over-bearing, yet then turn around and wonder at all the disappointments and sins that result at the high school parties and college campuses. If society really cares about the the abused, they would get Hollywood to stop indoctrinating our children that sex is easy and cheap, as the cost of sex outside of marriage is very costly. Especially the abuse it brings with it.

    1. I am surprised that people got so offended at Lori’s article about virginity. I did not take it to mean that way as an abused but virginity was not taken person.

      It is just common sense to assume that she mm want those who had a choice.

      I think some people just want to play victim all the time because that’s what society wants you to do.

      I remember the furore with Duggar girls. The girls made it obvious that they forgave Josh and had moved on as demonstrated by the fact that they still talk to him, have married and bore children. The girls demonstrated their Christian faith. But no people accused them of betraying other ‘victims’ and suffering from Stockholm syndrome.

      The world always want people to be angry and bitter all the time. Trust me, if those girls had not gone on to lead normal lives, they would have been as happy as Larry. The girls realise that like myself rather than dwell on past hurts and be miserable and throw pity parties, this will mean the devil winning. Congratulations, he has turned them into an angry person. This is not what God wants and it was only when I turned to him, I was free.

  3. The loss of a woman’s virginity before marriage is always a tragedy. It is a tragedy if it is through misguided and sinful choice. So much more tragic is the loss of innocence through abuse or virginity through rape.

    As Christian women (and men) we should cherish and celebrate purity and look forward to giving ourselves only in marriage. But we should also recognise that a victim of rape or abuse is just that an innocent victim. We should always punish the criminal (very hard) not the victim

  4. I was raped as a kid by my dad and I ended up having premarital willing sex later because I thought it was too late for me. At fifteen I still bought myself a “true love waits” ring because I wanted so badly to be pure like other young girls but I never really believed it and ended up giving in to boyfriends anyway. I will say to anyone interested that I wish I had still believed in the promise that true love waits….I was wounded from the rapings but the willing premarital sex is what I regret even more. I don’t know who will read my comment but if you were raped, try and have faith that you can still make the choice to be a “virgin” and it is still worth waiting for the right man and marriage.

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